All language subtitles for Heartburn (1986)-subrip

Hi.
Hi.

Hi, can I sit here?
Great.

Where were you?

It's so hot in here.

Please be seated.

Richard, on the other side,
two rows back, next to the hat.

Where?

Don't look in an
obvious way, okay?

Friend of Karen and Tom will now
read from the letter to the Corinthians.

It's Mark Forman.

He writes a column
in Washington.

Oh. Is he single?

He's famous for it.

Very single.

Shh.

"Love is
long-suffering and kind.

"Love does not envy.

"Love does not make
a vain display of itself

"and does not boast,

"does not behave
itself unseemly.

"Bears all things,
believes all things,

"hopes all things,
endures all things."

"Love never fails."

"And now abide
faith, hope, love,"

"these three."

"But the greatest
of these is love."

Two white wines, please.

Thank you.

I'm Mark Forman.

Rachel Samstat.

I saw you on Meet the Press.

I read your article about ice
cream, and I have to tell you,

I disagree with you
about Haagen-Dazs Rum Raisin.

What can I say?

You were so vicious about it.

I'm a vicious person.

That's what I hear.

Next time you have
one of those food contests

down at the magazine, uh,

I'd like to be a judge.

Really would.

I'll come up
from Washington for it.

Meanwhile, um...

How would you like to go
someplace and have a drink?

I have to go tell someone
that I'm leaving.

You're here with a date?

No, my friend.
An editor.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Here.

I'm gonna go have
a drink with him.

Fine.

My wife's name was Kimberley.

One of the very
first Kimberleys.

Mmm-hmm.

My husband had hamsters.

Me, too.

Not as a grown-up you didn't.

He had hamsters named
Arnold and Shirley.

And he was always whipping up little
salads for them in the Slice-O-Matic.

And...

And buying them
extremely small sweaters

at a pet boutique in Rego Park.

Also, there was
a certain amount of...

Talking in squeaky voices.

Both of you?

Well, he was Arnold...

And I was Shirley.

My sister always used to
try to get me to have one.

A nose job.

I love your nose.

Well, it goes with my face.

I always say that,
but it isn't true.

What of her soul?

You say you love her.

You can remember
her love for you.

What happened so far?

She was decapitated in a
dreadful automobile accident,

but fortunately,
that was the exact problem

that her boyfriend was working
on, back at the laboratory.

Oh.
My eyes are deceiving me.

So he carried the head back
in a towel he had in the car.

And she wakes up
on a tray and says,

"Where am I?"

"Oh, no.
Don't tell me."

"I've been in an awful accident"

"and lost
my arms and legs."

And he says,

"Worse than that,
I'm afraid."

Sleep, my darling.

Fine.

Mmm.

This looks great.
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

So you just go in the kitchen
at 4:00 in the morning and...

Uh, sure. And come
back out with this.

I've had successful transplants.

Now I can do it for her.

This is the best spaghetti
carbonara I've ever had.

What?

You're making fun of me.

You probably think
it's very bourgeois

to cook for somebody
on the first date.

You probably think
I do this for everybody.

Rachel, I love this.

When we're married,
I want this once a week.

Oh!

I'm never getting married again.

I don't believe in marriage.

Neither do I.

Does your sister behave
like this at all her weddings?

She's never done this before.

No?
Let me go see.

Thank you.

Get her already.

I will, Daddy.

Rachel, everybody's waiting.

I don't know what to tell them.

I don't know,
Eleanor, I don't know.

Mom and Dad were a disaster.
Charlie and I were a disaster.

Everybody, except for you two.

How long have you and
Harvey been married?

Twelve years. And it's a
wonderful marriage, isn't it?

It's okay.

The secret is wax paper.

Wax paper?

If you butter the wax
paper on both sides,

then add the chicken,

just as you would
in a normal casserole.

Fileted, of course.
Fileted, of course.

And not a trace of skin.

Oh, no, never.
Never.

50% of all marriages
end in divorce.

Not second marriages.

40% of all second marriages

end in divorce.

You can't even
get a decent bagel

in Washington, D.C.

I'll send them to you
Federal Express.

Oh, thank you.

Julie and Arthur Siegel.
We met in Washington.

Mark's oldest friends.

I hope we're not disturbing you.

No. No. Come in.

Rachel,

we don't know you very
well, but we know Mark.

Twenty years.

For 20 years, he's
been terrible to women.

Lying, cheating.

Bringing them to
our house for lunch

and then just leaving
them there, vanishing.

Until you.

You're the only person
he's ever treated decently.

Your mother would
have loved him.

Yeah, but she was crazy.

That's true.

Add four cups of heavy cream.

Mmm-hmm.

And begin boiling...
Cream and shallots.

Cream and shallots.
So simple, so far.

And it is done in
approximately in 20 minutes.

You want me
to marry him, don't you?

I don't want you to do anything.

That is such a lie!

All you therapists
ever want is for us

to get married and have babies.

It's the closest
you ever get to a cure.

I'm just trying to understand

why you don't want to
marry somebody you love.

Because it doesn't work.

Marriage doesn't work.

You know what works?
Divorce.

Divorce is only
a temporary solution.

Let's be sensible.
We're happy now.

If we get married,
we'll ruin everything.

The minute you get married,
you start to drive each other crazy.

It will never happen with us.

Why not?

Because you already
drive me crazy.

I love you.

I have to trust you.

Do you know where
your shoes are?

Hmm?

Do you know?

I do.

I know everything about you.

And that's just the beginning.

Made it, huh?

We are here today
to celebrate the marriage

of Rachel and Mark,

and their commitment
to a life together.

Do you, Mark, have this
woman to be your wife,

to love her, honor her,
cherish her

in joy and in sorrow,

for as long
as you both shall live?

I do.

Do you, Rachel, have this
man to be your husband,

to love him,
honor him, cherish him

in joy and in sorrow,

for as long
as you both shall live?

I do.

I, Mark Louis Forman,

take you, Rachel Louise Samstat,

to be my wife.

To have and to hold,

to love and to cherish,

from this day forward,
until death

part... Would part us.

With this ring, I wed thee.

I, Rachel Louise Samstat,

take you, Mark Louis
Forman, to be my husband.

To love and to cherish,

to have and to hold,

from this day forward,

until death shall part us.

With this ring, I thee wed.

As Mark and Rachel
have decided to marry

and have promised to be
loving and faithful to each other,

through all the
circumstances life may bring,

and have exchanged rings
as a token of that pledge,

I declare that
they are husband and wife.

I love you.

Gorgeous little trees...

Oh, this white one?

Yes.
No, no, no!

Which one? The,
um... The other one.

Oh, the sold one.

Now...

Needs a little work, okay?

Yeah.

Oh, well, we got
a good price on it,

because they had
a sort of a fire.

Thank you.

Oh.

Mmm?
Oh.

And, uh...

This...

Is, uh, why we bought the place.

It's the, um... It's
the original fireplace.

What do you think?

Yeah, you have
to use your imagination.

It's going to be beautiful.

Not necessarily
in your lifetime.

Uh!

It's just...

There's no door to the kitchen.

The backdoor.

Ah, the backdoor.

Yes.

It's true.

You can get into the kitchen

through the back door.

This, we know, is a kitchen.

But you can't get inside
the house from in the kitchen!

Now, how the fuck
did this happen?

Mark, for God's sake.

Laszlo, we thought that
you could put a door here.

She's a piece of cake.

He's a piece of cake.

It's...
It's a piece of cake.

You are Hungarian?

No, you are Hungarian.

Yes!
Yes.

Hungarians don't have pronouns.

Apparently they don't
have fucking doors either.

She is very angry at me.

He is very angry at you, yes.

Why aren't you very angry?

It's only a door, honey!

It will be extra, yes?

Why don't we just hire
another contractor?

Forget about the money
and just hire someone else?

That's just what I was thinking.

In China, they have to
eat this shit every day.

Nobody's making you eat it.

They're serving dinner
at this stupid party.

What are you so upset about?

There's just dust
everywhere! Look at it.

There's dust in my pores.

It's not funny.

Yes, it is.

I told you in the first place
that you shouldn't hire him.

I mean, it's not my fault.

Obviously he's never going
to come back and finish.

I've been trying all week
to find someone new.

It's not that easy.
You try it.

Good evening.
Good evening.

I can't read every day.

I'm awfully pleased
to hear you say that.

He's just so modest.

Yes, he is.
Oh, I'm not modest.

I think sometimes people...

And he does not believe they
will get the bill through committee.

M-3.

What's M-3? It sounds like
a missile for crying out loud.

We're trying to determine

what policy we should take

in the situation we're in.

I'm not denying that.
I'm not denying that.

It was such fun, May.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. It was
wonderful. Good night.

Can't believe they just talked
over me as if I wasn't even there.

Blah, blah, blah,
investment tax credits.

Blah, blah, blah, the
oil depletion allowance.

Blah, blah, blah...
Maybe if you read something

other than the style section, you
might find some of it interesting.

I'm gonna call Laszlo
when we get home.

I'm just gonna try him one more.

All you'll get's the machine.

Yes, Laszlo, it's
Rachel. Rachel Samstat.

Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.

Well, I'm fine, thank you.

Don't be so fucking nice.

Where the fuck have you been?

My God!

Well, I'm real...
I'm sorry.

Yes, of course I understand.

Oh, God. Well, I...

I hope you feel better.

Yeah, well, don't... You
know, only if you're up to it.

Don't push things. No.

Whenever you can.

Bye.

What the fuck was that?

He has cancer.

Bullshit!
Mark!

It's bullshit.

People don't lie about
things like that.

Contractors do.
They lie about everything.

What did he say?
I have cancer?

Exactly.
Well, he probably meant

that he has cancer.

Who?

How do I know? Someone,
I don't know. His father.

His father's dead.

We'll go over to his house.

Have a look at him.

If he looks okay, I'll kill him.

He has an unlisted address.

What are you talking about?

Oh, well, it's the latest thing.

What kind of person
has an unlisted address?

I'll tell you
what kind of person.

The kind that doesn't
want to be dead.

The kind that people are
trying to kill all the time.

Why are you angry at me for?

I'm not angry at you!

Well, then, what are you
shouting at me for?

'Cause you're the
only one that's here.

I hate it when you get angry.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm not angry at you.

I love you.

I'm not angry at you.

We can't have a baby in this.

It'll have asthma
before it's a month old.

Well, we'll just have to wait till
we finish the house to have a baby.

If this is your way
of telling me

that we've got less than nine
months to finish this renovation,

it's a really weird
way of doing it.

Well, we...

We're having a baby.
I think.

I think we're having a baby.

We're having a baby.

Yeah.

Ooh, baby!

Aw!

Thank you.

Let's, uh...

Let's sing...

All the songs we
know about babies.

I don't know
any songs about babies.

Yes, sir.

That's my baby My baby.

No, sir No, sir

I don't mean maybe
I don't mean maybe.

Yes, sir Yes, sir.

That's my.

Baby now.

Oh, baby, you...

Nobody but you.

I don't know the rest.

Is you is or is you ain't.

My baby?

I have, uh...
What?

Hmm?

I really can't stay.

But, baby, it's cold outside

I really have to go.

But, baby, it's cold outside.

This evening has been.

So happy.

So...

Look out the window at the storm.

Bill!

My boy Bill

I will see that he's
named after me

I will.

My boy Bill.

Will be tall and
as tough as a tree.

Will Bill.

Like a tree he'll grow.

With his head held high.

And his feet planted
firm on the ground.

And you won't see nobody.

Dare to try.

To toss him or boss him around.

No...

Baggy-eyed, beer-bellied bully.

Will boss him around.

I don't give a damn what he does.

As long as he does what he likes.

He can sit on his tail
And hammer a nail.

With a hammer A
hammer and spikes...

On the river.
Do something on the river.

And we're...

With a hammer
a hammer and spikes.

Wait a minute!

What if "he" is a girl?

She's gotta be sheltered and fed.

And dressed In the best.

That money can buy

I never knew.

How to make money.

But I'll try.

By God, I'll try.

I'll go out.

And make it.

Or steal it.

Or take it.

Or I'll.

Die.

Die.

Get that! A baby!

She's going to have a baby!

A girl baby.

No kissing.
No kissing in group.

What are you going to call it?

Her. It's a her.

I'm sorry.
Her, okay?

What goes with Forman?

Oh, no last names in group.

We're thinking of Ann.

Ann? Just Ann?

What's wrong with Ann?

I like Ann.

Where did you get the ring?

What? This? Oh.

Mark gave me this
when I got pregnant.

Oh, my God!

I thought you said you
weren't going to have a baby.

Yeah, I changed my mind.

Vera's happy,

even if you're not, Diana.

I'm happy.

Really, I am.

I am!

- Veronica Lake.
- Hmm...

Janet Leigh.

Oh, Arthur, don't you
think Janet Leigh's a little...

Don't pay any
attention to them, Julie.

Honey, you didn't
start yet, did you?

No, I waited for you.

All right? All right?

This is for the hall.
Yeah.

And this is for the nursery.

- What do you think?
- Oh, I love this.

What do you call this color?

Taupe.

You think we'll get tired of it?

Taupe? Never.

Taupe.

What can I tell you? I've
always been terrible with colors.

It comes from having grown up
with the single row box of crayons

instead of the big box.

If I had had the big box, I
would now know taupe and cerise

and ecru.
Aw, I love it.

Instead, all I know
is burnt sienna.

I think there's
a column in this.

Oh, God!
God damn it. Forman?

Every time I say something,
it ends up in your column.

You can have it if
you want it. It's mine.

I said it. I'm the one who gets to say
you can have it, if you want it, not you.

Well, do you
want it or not? Yes.

What are you gonna do with it?
Write it up in some law review?

He doesn't have to
do anything with it.

- Hi.
- Hi, Betty.

Hey, hey.

Hi.
Hey!

Where did you find arugula
in Washington, Betty?

Hi, Mark. How are you? I
only drove 15 miles for it.

Hey! How are you doing?
Oh, God. Wonderful.

I'll tell you who.

Rita Hayworth.

Peerless Rita.
Oh.

Ava Gardner.

Anne Blyth.

Anne Blyth?

What can I tell ya? I've always
had a thing for Anne Blyth.

We give up.

Senator Toffler
and Vickie Huddleston.

No kidding!
What?

Really?
How do you know that?

Parked in the Hamburger
Hamlet parking lot.

In Georgetown?

Bethesda.

No shit.

I knew something was wrong.

I knew it. Because about a month
ago, I was sitting next to him at dinner,

and he asked me what I thought
the resale value of his house was.

Mark.

I said, "Oh, please,
Mr. Senator",

"I am a television journalist,"

"I am not a
real estate broker."

Mark, I think
something's happening.

Rachel!
You okay?

Time to go to the hospital.

You all right?
Yeah.

Can I give you a ride?

The bag's in the car.

Put the lamb on for 20 minutes.

What?
Baste it once. Turn it over.

You okay? Cook it
for 20 more minutes.

Just keep breathing.
You can do it.

I don't want to do it. Honey, can't
we get somebody else to do it?

You're doing fine.

Give me a break.

The baby's in some distress.

It's possible there's a
problem with the umbilical cord.

But I'm keeping an eye on it.

In distress?

If it looks serious,
we can do a cesarean.

We can have the baby
out in two minutes.

Hold on.

Is the baby going to die?

Let's do it.

Get anesthesia and pediatrics.
We're gonna do a crash section.

- Mark?
- Yeah, I'm here.

Take it easy, Nurse.

We're almost there.

Count backwards
from 100, Rachel.

I'm here, babe.

One hundred.

Ninety-nine.

Ninety-eight.

Ninety...

Seven...

No pictures, okay?

Is that our baby?

Let me see.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, Petunia.

I sing to you.

I sing to you.

And the baby Petunia, too.

I sing to you.

Oh...

About your sweetness.

And your beet-red face.

And your little no-teethness.

Your little hands.

She's cranky.

Without no gloves.

I sing to you.

Of all our love.

Oh!

Whee!

Oh, God.

I love our life.

I love how it just
goes along, you know?

Pork chops again, and...

Do we owe the Richardsons?

And...
Where are my socks?

And where are my socks, right?

Where are my socks?

They're in your sock drawer.

I've got four socks in my sock
drawer, and none of them match.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

You know what, little baby?

Hello.

Hello, baby.

Funny Daddy.

Well...

Ah.

Well, I mean...
Yeah.

Whoops!

I must have two of those.

Mmm-hmm.

I just... I never expected
to love it so much.

Nobody tells you.
Nobody...

Prepares you for what happens.

You get born, too.
A whole...

Part of you that you...

That you didn't know
you had. I mean...

Suddenly you have all
this love to give and...

It's almost as if you expand.

You should be
writing about this.

Oh, God, Richard.

You don't have to
write about everything.

No, let me look.
Do yourself a favor.

Just keep a tape recorder around

and talk into it every
so often. Oh, sure.

Right.

This is Rachel Samstat,
food writer.

And I'm here mixing Gerber's
rice cereal and applesauce.

Better do it pretty soon,

because after this one's born, you
won't have time to write a postcard.

"Presently, Kep opened
the door of the shed

"and let out Jemima Puddle-Duck.

"Unfortunately,
the puppies rushed in"

"and gobbled up all the eggs"

"before he could stop them."

"Jemima Puddle-Duck was
escorted home in tears"

"on account
of those eggs."

Good morning!
Morning.

Good morning, Juanita.

What a day!

"She laid some more in June,"

"She was permitted
to keep them herself."

"But only four of them hatched."

"Jemima Puddle-Duck said
that it was because of her nerves."

"But she had always
been a bad sitter."

What a story.

I've, uh...

I've got a lunch up on the Hill.

And then I'm
going to go shopping.

What for?
Socks.

Hello.
This is Rachel Samstat.

Well...

Obviously, it's me.

I mean, who else could it
be? It's my tape recorder.

And, uh...
It's May 16th,

and I'm here in the
kitchen with Annie.

Could you say something to
the folks back home, Annie?

Da!
What?

Da!

Da? A word?

Oh, my God!

I've got it on tape!
Oh, you baby! Mwah.

Julie's idea of romance, okay?

I'll tell you.
You ready?

She's got this flannel nightgown

that's got this stuff
across the top.

- What's it's called?
- Rickrack, Arthur.

It's called rickrack.
Rickrack, exactly. Right.

And these bedroom slippers...

- With bunnies on them.
- Right.

So, she puts on the
nightgown and slippers,

and she gets into bed
on Monday night

with the magazines and a
bowl of lima beans, right?

Hi, darling. Hi.

And now, Arthur's
idea of romance

is Venice, gondolas...

Gondolas. Oh, yes. Of course.

I love my flannel nightgown.

Oh, I'm so happy.

I didn't know West
Virginia was so beautiful.

I think we should take
this place every summer.

Definitely.

Mark goes into town,
to the dentist,

and conducts his search
for the perfect pair of socks.

Then he comes home and he says,
"What have you two been doing?"

I say, "Not much.
Today we found a frog."

Here's a riddle for you.

There's 200 million
people in America.

100 million of them are men.

They lose four socks
a year, conservatively.

I lose 10 myself.

That's 400 million
missing socks.

Missing forever.
Where are they?

Nobody ever sees them again.

You think you'd run into one
of them every once in a while.

They're in heaven.

You die, you go to heaven, and they give
you a big box with all your missing socks

and mufflers in it. And you get
to spend eternity sorting it out.

And why is there only one shoe left
in the road? Where's the other shoe?

Why is the cold water
in the bathroom

always colder than the
cold water in the kitchen?

Mark!
For God's sake!

What?

It's not even lunch, and you
ripped the leg off the chicken?

Are you planning
on photographing it?

Oh, you don't even
like dark meat.

Well, I won't
have any lunch, okay?

Just subtract it
from my share, okay?

You know, this is not
your mother's house,

where you do something like
that, everybody thinks it's cute.

If it's not my mother's house, then why
are you talking to me like I'm your kid?

Come on, guys.

Bellinis.

Whoops. Sorry.

Just like in Venice.

Thank you.

Toast?

To marriage.

Friendship.

Okay, is everybody
ready? Mmm-hmm. Ready.

Arthur, you go first.

Jewish.

You put Jewish first?

Julie, try to control
yourself. It's my list.

Jewish.

Married.
Thank you.

Lawyer. Father.

Hungry.

Thank God.

Okay, okay.
This is me.

Um...

Unemployed.

Mother.

Good-natured.

Shiksa. Sister.

What about married?
That's the shiksa part.

Arthur, it's her list.

Yugoslav. Capitalist.

Tan. Tall.

188 pounds.

Dmitri, it's not
supposed to be like

a driver's license.

It's who you are.

I'm pussy-whipped.

That's such a lie!

It is! Stop.

All right.

Television interviewer.

Blonde.
Living with Dmitri.

Right.
Yeah.

For now.

Friend.

Texan!

Pregnant.
No...

Fancy that.
Wife.

Mother.

Writer. Happy.

Thelma!

- Betty, hello.
- Hi.

Oh, please don't get up.

Didn't we see each other
at Swedish Embassy?

Yes, I think you're right.

Have a wonderful dinner.
Thanks.

- Good night.
- Nice to see you.

Good night.
Bye.

Thelma Rice is having an affair.

- With whom?
- No!

I don't know.

You don't know? With
someone. This is what I know.

Well, it shouldn't be that
difficult to figure out who.

It has to be someone
taller than she is

which rules out
practically everybody.

Maybe it's one of the
Washington Bullets.

How do you know this?

She's talking about buying a
condominium and staying in Washington

if Jonathan is
sent to Bangladesh.

Now, obviously, she's
having an affair with someone.

Maybe it's Senator Campbell. He's
been talking about condominiums, too.

Senators always talk
about condominiums.

Who else could it be?

You know, I don't know
how anybody gets anything

going in this town.

Nobody even flirts here.

Jonathan is not being
sent to Bangladesh.

Why not?

Because we still
care about Bangladesh.

Mark, your turn.

Col...

Columnist. In love.

Married. Father.

Shortstop.

Oh! Choked on that
first one, didn't you?

Hi.

Hi. Thank you.

Welcome.

Thelma Rice had her legs waxed.

For the first time.

Need I say more?

He's in love with someone else.

Er, hold still.

He comes over last night
and he drops it on me.

He's in love with someone else,
but he still wants to be friends.

This just happened?

Last night?
Hold still.

So, I says to him, "I don't
wanna be friends with you."

And he says, "Why not?"
and I says,

"Ray, because you're a
real shithead. That's why."

Yeah.
Don't do too much...

No. I'll do one side. If you don't
like it, we'll take it down, okay?

You know what he says
to me after that?

He says, "You mean you're not
even gonna cut my hair anymore?"

He falls in love
with someone else

while he's going with me
and he actually thinks

I'm gonna go on
cutting his hair.

I can't believe
I didn't figure it out.

He kept dropping one clue
after another right into my lap.

He has to go jogging.

He has to go and
do these errands

that takes three
or four times longer

than it would take a genuinely
subnormal person to do it.

Last week he calls me up
at 10:00 in the evening,

and he says, "I'm just
calling to say good night."

"I'm going to bed early,"

"I'm going to turn
off the phone."

"I just wanted you to know in case
you called and there was no answer."

And do you know
what I said to him?

"Good night, honey."

Anyone can see it,
and I'm saying,

"Good night, honey, sleep tight."

"Don't let
the bedbugs bite."

You didn't.
"Don't let the bedbugs bite"?

I did.

Did you know about this?

No. Of course not,
Mary Beth.

Yeah. Well, you and I are
the only two people in America

who did not know about it.

His friends knew, his
mother knew, the doorman...

Mary Beth, I...

- That's not too much?
- Is it?

I have to go.
I realized something.

I just remembered
something that I...

I think I left something.

Well, when are you
gonna be back?

I have to see if I'm right.

As soon as I know
if I'm right, I'll be...

I'll be back.
I'll be definitely back...

Well, how long is it
gonna take you?

I don't know.

Juanita, would you just
give Annie her supper?

I have to go
through some things.

At least until Mark gets home.

He be home soon, I'm sure.

He say he go out to buy socks.

Oh, my...

Hi.

I know I'm late. I'll be
ready in 10 minutes.

Woo-woo-woo-woo!

Well, look who's here.
Daddy said, "Woo-woo-woo-woo!"

How.
Hey.

For me, huh?
For me?

I can't wear this. I have
to wear something else.

Having a shower, darling?

We'll be late.

I... I know about
you and Thelma Rice.

I know everything.
It's all here.

Shit.

You didn't even have the
decency to hide the evidence.

You just threw it in a drawer.

Hotels, motels.

Oh, shit.

You couldn't even pay cash,
like a normal philander.

You charged everything!

I mean, look at this!

Flowers! Look at all these
flowers that you bought her!

And you occasionally brought
me home a bunch of wilted zinnias.

How can you do this?

If I'm such a bitch,
then tell me!

Don't do this.
We have a baby, Mark!

We have another baby coming.

Don't you even care about them?

Of course I care.

Do you love her?

I... I can't do this.

I can't do this right now.

Please, don't let
this be happening.

Please, just... Don't
let this be happening.

Why can't we go back
to the way it was?

I promise I'll be the way I was.

I promise.

I just don't want to do it.

Come on.

I'm not going to
pack this, sweetheart.

Dad?

Dad!

Dad?

Oh!

Where is he?

Oh! Where's Grampy?

Where's my father, do you know?

I just clean, honey.

Della, do you ever, um...

Uh, uh...
I mean...

Would... Would you...

I have a lot of errands to do
in... In the next couple of days.

I was just wondering if...

If, uh, you would...

I have to, um...

My husband, you know...

The one I married
at the wedding,

I left him.

Here.

He's been, uh... He's been
seeing someone very tall.

Someone that I know.

Not very well. But, I mean, I've
never had lunch with her or anything.

But when I asked him
about it, he said, "Yes."

He didn't
exactly say, "Yes."

But that was the idea...

I'll stay with the baby.

Thank you.

Wave bye-bye to Mommy.

Bye-bye.
Mommy!

Wave bye-bye.

If anybody calls...

If... If my husband calls,
just tell him I'm out.

Bye-bye.

Mommy!

Rachel?

Rachel!

Hi!

Judith! How are you?
What are you doing in town?

Oh! God. Aren't you
about to have a baby?

Judith...

My mother died.

Oh, Rachel.

Are you all right?

Yes.

I thought she died
a few years ago.

Almost, but then,
you know, she didn't.

Rachel.

I went through this.

I have to tell you.

You may not realize this
now, but, your mother dying...

I'm not saying it's a blessing,

but on some level, it frees you.

It's not the worst
thing that can happen.

I know, Judith.

Are you free?

So I left him.

No! Just like that?

I mean, a person does
something like that,

you can't stay with him.
Can you?

No, no. Well, I don't
know. I mean, people do.

It's just that...

I mean, are you sure you don't
wanna give him a little time?

Absolutely not. I'm here
because I'm through with him,

and, uh, I'd would like
to come back to work.

You're it.

I'm back. I'm gonna be living
here again and I need my job.

Anytime.
You know that.

I would've said something
to you when you left.

But, you know, if it... You
know, "It don't work out",

"you can always have
your job back,"

is not what you say to someone
who's getting married. So...

Thanks, Richard.
Sure.

You never really liked him.

Did you?

Uh, I'll tell you what. I'm
not gonna get into that trap,

because you'll just go back to
him and you'll hold it against me.

I'm never going back
with him. Never.

Do you wanna have
dinner tonight?

Oh. I couldn't.
Mark might...

I'm... I'm sure
that he will turn up.

And I'll have to see him
and finalize the separation.

Make him face the
fact that it's over.

But, if he doesn't turn up...

Oh, he'll turn up.
He'll turn up.

He's, uh... It's very
difficult for him, you know.

He's really not
accepting it at all.

I just have to settle it
once and for all.

I mean, I have to see him.

Really, I have to go.
What time is it now?

Oh, my God. I'm late.
I have to go.

Hi, Della? It's Rachel.

Were there any calls?
From my husband?

Well, if my husband calls me,

tell him that I'm just, uh...

No, no, no.
Don't tell him that.

Just tell him that
I'll be home soon.

Yeah. Don't be too specific
about it. Just say soon.

What?

Yes.

Put her on.

Hi, honey.

It's Mommy.

Yes, I'll be home in 15 minutes.

Well, ask Della to show you
where that is on the clock.

Tick tock.

Tick.

Mommy has to hang up now,
or I won't be home in 15 minutes.

Annie, hang the
phone up, sweetie.

Hang the phone up
so Daddy can call.

Annie?

Annie?

Oh!

I'm sorry.
You all right?

Taxi!

Taxi!

Hi!

Hi.

Nobody called.
Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Hi!

Tell Mommy about the banana.

Okay.

Oh!

How nice!
And for me.

Here! Thank you
very much. Thank you.

Ooh!

Beautiful!

Let's see who this is from.

I hope, I hope, I hope...

"Dear Rachel, so sorry
about your mother."

"Just wanted to... To know I'm
thinking of you. Love, Judith."

Shit. Now I have
to call her.

Good evening.

In our last episode,

Rachel discovered that
her husband Mark

is in love with another woman.

The tall, infamous Thelma.

And she has left him.

Taken their tiny,

tiny child

and gone to her father's
apartment in New York.

There,

pregnant,

penniless, and alone,

she has been waiting,
hoping against hope,

as the hours tick by
without a phone call.

Finally, realizing that if there
is no phone call the first day,

there probably won't be one,

or, perhaps, there will be one,

but a day later,

Rachel closes her weary eyes

and sobs herself to sleep.

Rach?

Mark?

Hmm. No.

Oh, Daddy.

Mmm-hmm.

Where have you been?

Atlantic City. With
a lady. A looker.

Gambling.

Her money.
I lost.

What are you doing here?

Hmm?

Mark has

fallen in love with Thelma Rice.

Thelma Rice.
I know her?

No.

Oh, shh...

Shh. Oh.

No, no, no.

No.

Honey, when Joey Lazarus
fell in love with Zizi Jevay,

he went to his wife, and he said.

"Natalie, I'm in love
with Zizi Jevay."

"I care for you.
We have six kids."

"Hope you won't give me
any trouble about seeing them."

"'Cause I can't
beat this thing."

And his wife said to him,

"Joey, I'm happy for you
and your love for Zizi Jevay.

"Hope you'll be very
happy with her. I'm leaving."

"I won't give you any
trouble about the kids."

"I've raised them for 14 years."

"You and Zizi"

"can have them."

Well...

What are you saying? That I
should give Mark the children?

One of them, anyway.
In a couple months,

give him the other.
Are you crazy?

They're my children!

A suggestion!
I know. I'm sorry...

I just can't do that, Daddy.

Maybe if I had six children...

Men!

I hate them!

Always hated 'em.

You wonder why I hang
around with women.

Because it's men
who do things like this.

Oh, Daddy.

Oh, now, now, now, now, now.

Ah, you're a wonderful
person. He's a shit.

And I love you. And I'd do anything I
can for you. You know that, don't you?

I know that.

Now I have some news.

Gene Kelly called
about my new project.

Oh, that's wonderful, Daddy.

Says he hasn't
directed in years,

but he might come back for this.

Oh, it's real exciting.

Exciting? The life of
Balanchine, are you kidding?

Kelly would be crazy to
turn down something like this.

It's a great part for me.

And maybe you can write it.

Oh, Dad.

I miss Mom.

I miss her, too.

Although, let's face it, she wasn't
much good at a time like this.

Yeah, I know. Although,
let's face it, neither am I.

Oh, Daddy, what
am I going to do?

There's nothing you can do.

You want monogamy, marry a swan.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.
You get some sleep.

I'm going to that little lady

whose money I lost
in Atlantic City.

You sure she still
wants to see you?

I'm in a buyer's market.

Daddy?

Mama!

Oh, beautiful.

Della?

Della?

I'm going downtown to a
sort of a doctor's appointment!

I hope you're gonna
see a shrink, honey.

And I will be back between
3:00 and 3:30, all right?

Okay.

Bye, honey.

Bye!

Sorry.

Hold it.

Thank you so much.

Excuse me. Would
you like to sit down?

Thank you.

Hey I have something
I need to talk about today.

I can't decide whether
to go to Club Med.

Diana, I need to talk, too.

When I'm done.

Rachel has something
very serious to talk about.

This is serious.

Nobody ever thinks
my problems are serious.

Go ahead.

Mark is...

Mark is in love
with someone else.

Oh, no.

Oh, but...

Why does everything
happen to Rachel?

Nothing ever happens to me.

Stick it up your ass, Diana.

Who brought the chopped liver?

I did.

Did you make it?

I bought it. Is that
all right with you?

I was going to say
it was delicious.

Now, I don't feel
like telling you.

Nothing is ever
enough for you. Is it?

Every week you
complain about the food.

When's the last time
you brought food?

Okay, everybody.

On... On the table.

Money, jewelry.

Anything you got that I want.

You hold anything back,
and I'll kill the lady just like this!

I always hated that picture.

Oh, Sidney. This is
not the time to speak.

Come on, everything in this bag.

Bag. All right.

Oh, your turn, lady.
Come on, the ring.

Get that ring off.

- All right. All right.
- Okay, okay.

Come on!

My finger's swollen because
I'm pregnant. I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'll get it. Don't pull.
Don't panic.

Pull it!
I'm pulling it!

Wait, wait. Here, here. This
does it. This does it every time.

Come on. Come on.

Hand me the bag.
Give me the bag.

All right, everybody.

On the floor!
Face down!

On your stomachs!

Please don't shoot me,
but I can't lie on my stomach.

Do the best you can,

and nobody move
for five minutes.

I'm really sorry
about your ring, lady.

It's all right.

Don't worry about it.

Thank you,
Mr. Brownell.

Miss Samstat?

This robbery was not your fault.

This robbery was my fault.

I know.

I'm Detective O'Brien.

Hello.

I want you to come back.

Is that a new blazer?

You belong at home.

I love you.

I'm not coming home

if you're gonna see her anymore.

I not gonna see her anymore.

Ever.

Not even accidentally.

Rachel, I said I'm not
gonna see her anymore,

and I'm not gonna
see her anymore.

I know this is
difficult for you,

but it's difficult for me, too.

All right.

I'll come home.

Good.

Now you can put
the ring back on.

Rachel, for God's sake,
put the ring back on.

I gave it away.

You what?

I gave it away.

You gave the ring away?

Not of my own free will.

Someone took it away from you?

Yes.

Do you want me to
guess who it was?

My group was robbed.

By an outsider, or
someone in the group?

By an outsider.

And it isn't funny.

He held a gun to my head.

Well, maybe I can get
a column out of it.

It happened to me!
It's mine!

On top on which,
it was really awful.

He twisted my arm.

Aw. Show Daddy
where, huh?

Oh, shut up.
Aw!

Well, if we get going,
we can still catch the 7:00.

Oh.

That's... Yours.

That's a pop.

Pop, indeed.

That's a wonderful story.

I did not take it as personal...

No, I do think adultery...

Are you saying adultery
shouldn't be a cause for a divorce?

I'm saying that in
most states, David,

it is not a cause anymore
for divorce. Adultery...

How to tell if your
husband's cheating.

What's the first clue?

It may be a slip of paper
you found in his wallet.

You know, I used
to really hate myself

for being suspicious of
you and having no proof.

But, thank you.

Thank you very much
for giving me proof.

Alone, in the still unfinished
house in Washington,

Rachel has turned on
the television set.

And as she switches channels,

everything she sees seems to be

an echo of her own dilemma.

Are you behaving yourself?

Yeah...

Yeah. Juanita,
can you please...

I'm on the phone here.

Yes, I baked bread,
and I hung curtains, and...

What do they look like?

Fine. They look fine.

If you're drunk,
and one leg is 6 inches

shorter than the other,
they look even.

What else?

Uh...

I made chicken
stuffed with lemon,

and Mark said,
"This is delicious."

I made, uh, linguini
with clam sauce.

Mark said, "It's the
best I've ever eaten."

Oh, and I made pork chops
with mustard and cream.

Mark said,

"I never want my pork chops
cooked any other way."

I'm being very good.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

I hate this.

I know, sweetie.

I wish he were dead.

I know. When Arthur was
having his little affair,

every time he got on a plane,

I would imagine the plane crash.

The funeral.

What I would wear
at the funeral.

Flirting at the funeral.

How soon I could start
dating after the funeral.

I know.

We... We go into
the warehouse,

this huge warehouse,

as big as a football field,

and hundreds of neat,
brown, packing cases

and gigantic crates, all
nailed perfectly together.

And in the middle of
all this is this huge mess

of exploded excelsior
and broken crockery.

The only unbroken
plate that arrived.

And we had
a fight over who bought it.

And we won.

And you promised
that you'd let us borrow it

every once in a while,
and have you?

Take it home with
you tonight. I insist!

That was really fun, wasn't it?

Thank you, Juanita.

Thank you to you.
Good night. Good night.

We see you Monday.

Have a nice weekend.
You, too.

Can I get you anything?

No.

Yeah. That really
was fun, Rachel.

It was just like old times.

You reminded me of how
much fun we used to have.

How much fun
we could still have.

Honey, I love you so much.

I don't know what got into me.

I know... I know how
hard this must be for you.

I know how awful and cold,
and distant, and preoccupied

and self-involved I must
seem, but, please forgive me.

Can you forgive me for instance?

For fucking instance!

Listen to me.

You have to give this time.

You have to have patience.

You can't take its
temperature every five minutes

to see if the fever's gone down.

It's the only way we can do it.

It's the only way we'll
ever get through it.

Hey.

Petunia.
Hey, come on.

Oh, Mark!
Come on.

Hey.

Hi!
Hello. How are you?

Good. Can I have a pound of
your ground beef, please? Rachel?

Rachel, I was just
going to call you.

And can you put in some veal
and some pork with it, please?

I found out who Thelma
Rice is having the affair with.

And can I have a pound of
your sausage, too, please?

Who?

You're not going to like it.

Who is it?
Arthur.

Arthur Siegel?

They were seen having drinks at
the Washington Hilton the other day.

Now, nobody has drinks
at the Washington Hilton

unless something
secret's going on.

Arthur is not having an
affair with Thelma Rice.

How do you know this?

I just know.

Tell me. Okay, but
you gotta promise me

you won't tell anyone.
I promise.

I saw Thelma
at the gynecologist's.

She has a horrible infection.

You don't want to know about it.

What? Oh, God.

She made me promise
not to tell anybody.

She almost didn't have to,

because it was so
disgusting, I almost couldn't.

Mommy!

I'm only telling you
because I want you to know

it's not true about
her and Arthur.

Well, then why was she
having a drink with him?

She probably wanted
some legal advice.

You know, because she got
the infection in a restaurant.

A Vietnamese restaurant.

Not the one on K Street?

Somewhere in Virginia,
and she wants to sue them.

She get it from the toilet seat,

or from something
she ate or what?

From the toilet seat, I guess.

Although I'm not sure.

Maybe from the spring rolls.

Oh, God.
Poor Thelma.

I feel so sorry for her.

Don't feel too sorry for her.

It's curable.

Eventually.

Yeah, I think I should
have a party for her.

What?
For Thelma.

And the three of us should
have lunch Wednesday to plan it.

Wednesday, I have to be
in New York at the magazine.

Okay, Thelma and I
will have lunch Wednesday.

We'll plan the party.

It'll take Thelma's mind
off her infection.

You could start
thinking about the menu.

It will take your mind
off your pregnancy.

My mind isn't on my pregnancy.

Well, start thinking
about the menu. I'll get it.

Thanks very much.
Have a nice day.

Oh, you know I will.

That's it, then.

We can have this when? Monday.

I don't see how you feel
that way about raisins.

Rice pudding is
a very personal thing.

Well, let's go with
the illustration.

How are you gonna be able to
handle all this from Washington?

I don't have to be here everyday

to run a rice pudding
competition.

I'm fine. Really.

You look terrible.

Well, I always look terrible
when I'm this pregnant.

No, you don't.

Can I touch it?

Yes.

Hmm. It feels like a
basketball, doesn't it?

Did you feel that?
God!

Jesus!

What did that?
What's it feel like?

It's sort of like I'm a drum

and I'm being played
from the inside.

It doesn't hurt or anything.

Fare, please.

Thank you.

"Dear Miss Samstat,

"I am sending this
to Washington,

"as I understand
from your therapist"

"that you are
living there again."

"We caught the perpetrator
and he confessed."

"So it will not be necessary
for you to appear in court."

"Sincerely yours,
Andrew O'Brien."

Diamond's loose.

Thelma came over here yesterday.

She's very angry at you,
and so am I.

She had lunch with Betty.

And Betty told her
you said she had herpes.

I never said herpes.

Yeah!

Come here, you little mouse pie.

Yes.

You must've said
something to her.

I said she had an infection.

Mommy brought you a lolly.

An orange lollipop.

I'm sorry.
Really, I am.

Well, Thelma's furious at you.

Thelma's furious at me?
That's really great.

Listen, you bastard.

You tell Thelma she comes
over here one more time,

I'll tell Betty
she has the clap.

Bullshit. I'll get it into
a gossip column, too.

"What hopelessly tall Washington
hostess has a social disease?"

"And we don't mean
her usual climbing."

Oh!

Mrs. Forman,
Annie's lunch is ready.

Oh, Juanita.
Want bottle now.

A milk bottle now?
Yeah.

Want to play spider?
Yeah.

Itsy-bitsy spider
Went up the water spout.

Down the rain.

And washed the spider out.

Up came the sun.

And dried up all the rain.

What's that?

Mommy's glasses.

Thank you, sweetie pea.

Let's go eat lunch.

Okay.

Itsy-bitsy spider.

There you go.

Get you in.

Hot?

No, it's not hot.

Oh, Mrs. Forman.

I feel so bad for you.

She come here yesterday.

I know that lady.

She's no good.
I know.

I know.

I work for her 10 years ago.

What's wrong with her?

She's very messy.

Juanita, would you please ask
Mark to come down for a second?

It's important.

Yes, Mrs. Forman.

You love it?

Yes?

Kitty cat.
Yeah?

Want a kitty cat.
Yeah.

What the hell is it now?

My water broke.

Dr. Appel is waiting for
us on the second floor.

Yeah.

Hold still now.

Can you feel this, Rachel?

No.

I'm cutting now.

Tell me about
when Annie was born.

Start when the doctor says
there's something wrong.

The doctor took me aside
in the labor room

and said there was
something wrong.

They were losing the heartbeat.

Maybe the umbilical cord
was around her neck.

Then we went over to you,

and he told you that
the baby was in distress.

And you said...

"Is our baby
going to die?"

And he said,

"We're going to do
an emergency cesarean."

Then we took you
into the delivery room.

You were very brave.

I was terrified.

Then I went out
in the waiting room,

and there was a man
sitting across from me,

eating a sausage pizza.

In a few minutes,

the doctor came and took
me in the delivery room.

There was Annie.

Making funny noises.

Like a little tiny dove.

And they put her in my arms...

And you woke up and said,

"Is that our baby?"

That was a great day.

The baby's fine.

Hi.

Oh, more flowers.

Yeah.

Wait till you see the cards.

I made you my rice pudding

with an enormous
number of raisins.

Oh, I love rice pudding.

I know.

Oh, hello.

Oh!

Juanita.

Thanks for coming.

I brought some paella.

Hmm? Look.

More rice.
More rice.

Oh, Mrs. Forman.

The baby's so beautiful.

Isn't she?
I know, she's...

Did you see the baby?

Oh, yes.

She's beautiful.

She looks just like Rachel.

- Do you think so?
- I don't see it.

What's that?

Rice pudding.

She loves rice pudding.

I know.

So are you still being good?

Yes. Really.

I do not ask, "How
are you? How are we?"

"Do you still
love her?"

"Do you still
love me?"

"Is it over?" "Is it
ever going to be over?"

"What did you give
her for her birthday?"

Oh, was it Thelma's birthday?

Yeah.

Ah, happy birthday.

So, you're going over to
Betty's on Saturday night?

Yeah. What are
you bringing?

Coleslaw.
How about you?

Making key lime pie.

Throw them in the back.

Go ahead.

I just have to tighten
the setting a little.

I'll just take me a couple of
minutes if you want to wait.

That's great.

- Here's a candy, kid.
- Mommy.

I always loved this ring.

I know.

So, how did you like
the necklace?

The necklace?

I must be thinking
of another customer.

No, you're not.

I thought Mark had
bought a birthday present

when I was in the hospital.

He shouldn't have done that.

Ah, I shouldn't have
said anything.

Oh, no, it's okay, Leo.

At least, I now know
what to be prepared for.

Nothing worse than opening
a box with a necklace in it

when you're not in the
mood for a necklace.

When have you ever not been
in the mood for a necklace?

I can think of circumstances
where I might not be.

Really.

All done.

How much?
No charge.

How much would you
give me for the ring?

You don't really
want to sell it.

I really wanna sell it.

Do you really want to buy it?

I always told you I'd
buy this ring from you.

Well, I love the ring, Leo,

but it just doesn't go
with my life now.

I mean, it never would have
been stolen in the first place

if I hadn't been wearing
it on the subway.

If you have a ring that you
can't wear on the subway,

you pretty much have to take
cabs all the time, and then...

Before you know it, you know,
we're broker than we already are.

Mark is such a romantic.

He must have spent every penny
of the savings on that necklace.

For the down payment.

For the down payment.

It's a beautiful necklace.

How much for the ring?

I asked her
for a list of her friends,

and she gave me 50 names. Oh.

I wasn't planning on something
that big, but what could I do?

You're having a dinner
party for Thelma.

And Jonathan, next Saturday
night. You're all invited.

We're all on the list?

Of course. Thelma knows
you're my best friends.

You know what's
going on with Thelma?

Medical problems,
legal problems.

All these rumors their
marriage is falling apart.

You have to kind of stand
by people at a time like this.

I don't want them
to become pariahs.

The minute anyone hears stuff
like your marriage is in trouble,

you might just as well
have leprosy.

Who doesn't want
their green stuff?

Oh, here.
Sorry, baby.

What?

Now, David and Harriet Kaiser...

I don't even know them.

Don't have to know them. Split.

No. I just saw
them together.

Why do people always say that?

You tell them
someone just split,

and they say, "We
just saw them together."

You tell them someone just died,

and they say, "We
just saw him alive."

I hate Harriet Kaiser.

She wasn't so bad.

Never said anything.

Have I ever met her?

I did think she was a dyke.

Oh, Dmitri!
How could...

Why didn't you tell me?

I told you. And you
said, "Don't be ridiculous."

Damn it.

Why are you mad at Dmitri? Yeah.

Because she is a dyke.

Oh, yeah.
You see?

She left him for his secretary.

Holy shit.

He lost a wife and a
secretary at the same time?

Well, I can't get over it.

I can't stop thinking about it.

How could you be
with someone that long?

How long they've been together?

At least as long as
Rachel and Mark, right?

How could you be
with someone that long,

live with them, love them

enough to want to marry
them, and not know?

Oh, he must
have known. I knew!

Well, he says he
didn't know. Come on.

Well, how could he not?

How could he be with
someone that long

and not know
something like that?

Maybe it wasn't true,
when he first met her.

Of course it was true.

Oh, you don't just start sleeping
with women, bang like that.

Oh, sure you do.

It's like being allergic
to strawberries, right?

You eat strawberries
all your life,

and then one day, bang!
And you get hives.

No, I don't believe... I do not
believe people change that much.

Don't tell me they do, Rachel.

Don't give me that New
York psychological bullshit

about how people are
capable of change. They are not.

Which brings me back
to my question.

How is it possible
to live with someone

and not know something
so fundamental?

Ah.
It's possible.

It is possible to...

It is possible...

Well, to love someone so
much, or to think that you

want to love them so much

that you just don't
even see anything.

You know,
you decide to love him.

And you decide to trust him.

And you're in the marriage,
and you're in the...

You're in the day-to-dayness
of the marriage and...

You sort of notice that things
are not the way they were.

But it's, um...

It's, uh...

Uh, a distant bell.

And then when things do
turn out to have been wrong,

it's not that
you knew all along,

it was just that you were

somewhere else.

I mean, you'd have
to be living in a dream.

Yes. Yes.

And then the dream dies.

And the dream breaks into
a million tiny little pieces.

Which leaves you with a choice.

You can either stick with
it, which is unbearable,

or you can just go off
and dream another dream.

Can I have the car keys, please?

By the way, I won't be able to

come to the party for Thelma.

Itsy-bitsy spider.

Went up the water spout.

Down came the rain.

And washed the spider out.

And up came the sun.

And dried up all the rain.

And the itsy-bitsy spider.

Went up the spout again.

Again?
Yeah.

The itsy-bitsy spider.

Went up the water spout.

Down came the rain...