All language subtitles for Frasier S04E13 Four for the Seesaw-eng

Well, listeners, flu season
is upon us again.

As is customary,

KACL is offering its employees
and their families free flu shots.

Now, in order to show the importance
of getting a flu shot,

I am going to put aside
my lifelong fear of needles

and be inoculated right here
over the air when we come back.

I've been sitting out here
a half an hour. I got places to go.

Well, Dr Claman is on his way, Dad.

Frasier, are you really
afraid of needles?

Not really. I just say that
to encourage people that are.

Well, they can use the help.

You know, those needles they use
are about this long,

- and if it hits a nerve when it's going--
- Stop it, Roz.

Shots are perfectly harmless.
You got nothing to worry about.

Oh, sure, you hear
the occasional story

about someone getting
an air bubble in their vein

or the needle getting stuck in a bone
and the tip breaking off,

but that's the exception.

Oh, that's it. We're out of here.

But what about my flu shot?
I always get a flu shot.

You're not getting one today. You told
me you'd drop me off at McGinty's.

Now, I told Duke I'd meet him
at 5:00 sharp,

and he pouts if I'm not there on time.

Sits there with his bottom lip
stuck out

and eats all the Brazil nuts out of the
bowl because he knows I like them.

So come on, let's go.

It's nice to know men in bars still settle
their disputes the old-fashioned way.

- Dr Crane.
- Oh, Dr Claman.

Sorry I'm late.
My last patient was a bleeder.

Oh.

- Fifteen seconds.
- Where are my manners?

Perhaps-- Perhaps you should
get inoculated first.

I already had my shot,

but I could sure use a check-up.

- You're on.
- Oh, right.

All right, folks. Uh, we're back, um.

Joining us for this last minute
of our show is Dr Morris Claman,

who is going to give me my,
my flu shot.

But you know, what's the rush?

Perhaps we'd be interested
in finding out

what strains of flu
you've isolated this year.

Primarily Singapore,
Rangoon and Malayan.

Would you roll up your sleeve?

And how do you suppose
they travelled here?

No idea. Roll up your sleeve.

Could it have been
a careless tourist?

A, a baggage handler? A tainted wok?

Dr Crane, we're almost out of time.

You do wanna get that shot,
don't you?

Yes, yes.

All right. First, I'm just gonna swab
the area with a little alcohol,

and then I'm gonna
give you the shot.

There, that's done.

Really?

Well, that didn't hurt at all.

This is the newly immunised
Dr Frasier Crane signing off.

No, no, that was just the alcohol.
This is the needle.

[SCREAMS]

[CHATTER]

NILES: Ah!

Well, you're late.
All the tables are taken.

No, there's one right there.
Dibs on that table.

Roz, Niles was here first.

No, but I'm meeting someone.
Please, guys?

Oh, who is it? Another one of your
till-dawn-do-us-part relationships?

No, twerp. This is a guy
who I think really has a chance.

I can sense a lot of chemistry
between us.

- Morris!
- Hi.

Dear God! When did you two
even get out of my sight?

You blacked out for 30 seconds
after he gave you the shot.

Well, no one is budging.
We could be here forever.

Well, Niles, I suppose
we could share a table.

There's a couple of seats
available there.

Oh, good Lord. We can't sit
with strange women.

Why not?
We married strange women.

It's-- I know.

- Really, I'm not in the mood.
- You know, just try to relax.

Do you good to do something
spontaneous for a change.

Yeah, I just-- I just--
I wouldn't know what to say.

- And besides, I'm a married man.
- Oh, Niles, please.

When will you get rid
of that tired old excuse,

your off-again, off-again
relationship with Maris? Come on.

Hello, ladies. Excuse me.

Would you mind terribly if we joined
you until another table opens up?

Oh, please do.

Oh, thank you so much.
That's very kind.

I'm Frasier, and this gentleman dusting
for fingerprints is my brother, Niles.

I'm Laura, and this is Beth.

- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.

Laura. Niles. Beth. Niles.

What do you two ladies do?

Oh, you don't wanna hear about it.

- Well...
- Why don't we?

Oh, it's just boring.
To the guys, anyway.

Their eyes just glaze over
when the subject comes up.

Oh, come on, come on.

We're not your average bozos
off the street.

Why don't you try us.

We design kitchens.

On the contrary, I am always ready
to debate the merits

of downdraught cooktops
and ceramic-tile backsplashes.

Whoa. Whose little boy
are you? Ha!

As in just the mention

of a double-bowl stainless-steel sink
with integral drainboards

makes me hum
like a subzero freezer.

You know, I think the key
to a good kitchen is comfort.

Well, that's a whole current trend,
a living-room feel in the kitchen.

Except, of course, with our father,

who favours a kitchen feel
in the living room.

That's funny.

You're very witty.

Thank you.

- Look, Niles, a table's opened up.
- No, don't. Stay.

Yeah, this is fun.

Well, yes, it is fun, isn't it, Niles?

Well, I told you it would be.

Why don't I go get us some coffees.

Uh, you know. I, uh. I uh...

I'll help.

I knew you'd panic.

Well, I'm sorry. This is still
a little new for me.

And besides, those two are
coming on to us.

- You know, they are very attractive.
- I know.

Maybe we should ask them out.

On a date? We just met.

Good point, Niles. Perhaps we should
go out with them a few more times

before we ask them on a date.

I just mean it seems a little rash.

Well, that's exactly
why we should do it.

We're being spontaneous today.
It will do us good.

I am enjoying this, and...

All right, I'll do it. Oh, but wait!

We're making an assumption here.

We could both be interested
in the same woman.

Good Lord, I hadn't thought of that.

All right, I'll declare...

...I'm interested in Beth.

Good, good.
We really dodged a bullet there.

- Oh, which one's Beth?
- Oh, it's this one here.

- Great!
- Okay.

- And here we are.
- Yeah.

Oh, Frasier, what a great apartment.

Well, it's just a little something
I threw together.

You know, an objet here,
an antique there.

And there's the chair.

Wow, he wasn't kidding.

- Oh, hi!
- Dad.

Dad, meet Beth Armstrong
and Laura Paris.

- Martin Crane.
- How are you?

Please have a seat. Sit down. Yeah.

So you've been out
on a double date, huh?

Well, sort of.

We met this afternoon,
and the next thing we knew,

your sons were taking us out to dinner
and then to the Seattle Rep.

- What'd you see?
- The Man Who Came to Dinner.

It's about a bad-tempered invalid
that moves into these people's house

and just drives them crazy.

- Comedy?
- I used to think so.

Well, Mr Smart-Aleck,

as a matter of fact,
I was just about to do a favour for you.

Sherry and I can't make it
to the mountains this weekend,

and the cabin's already paid for.
I thought maybe you'd like to use it.

Oh, thank you, Dad.

But Laura and I have plans
to go to the symphony.

How about you, Niles?

Beth and I are attending
an art opening.

Well, if you hear of anybody...

Nice meeting you, ladies.

I'm really glad
the boys brought you over.

And it's been a long time
since I said that and meant it.

Well, Dad wasn't really thrilled
with the women we married.

Yes. Fortunately, my taste
has improved a lot since then.

I think your taste is fabulous.

I'm referring to the brandy, of course.

Velvety texture, great body.

I'm not.

Well, in honour of what happened
today, a toast.

To winging it.

What greater thrill is there
than going down an unknown path,

not quite sure where it will lead.

Just enjoying the way
that path wends and

- NILES: and, and, uh...
- Uh-huh.

And what it looks like and,
and where it goes off to, uh...

Perhaps you should have left
a trail of bread crumbs

before you started down that toast.

You know, Frasier, I hate to see you
miss a weekend in the country

just to take me to the symphony.
We can go next week.

Wait a minute. I have a thought.

Spirit of spontaneity
has carried us this far.

Why don't we postpone our plans

and all go to the cabin together
this weekend.

- I'd love that.
- Sounds like fun.

Well, then, it's settled.

Saturday morning we ride
the high country.

Say, you two have been here
five minutes,

you haven't seen
Frasier's kitchen yet.

- There's really nothing special--
- Let's let the professionals judge.

- I am kind of curious to take a peek.
- Well, peek away. Peek away.

Yes, someday, when you speak of his
faux-granite countertops, and you will,

be kind.

You are so funny.

- What's going on?
- Well, things are going rather fast.

Just going out this evening
was a big step,

but something that involves
packing a suitcase,

- and given my situation, I can't--
- Niles.

When are you gonna stop
letting Maris be an anchor?

That's the most tortured metaphor
you've come up with.

- Maris, an anchor?
- Oh, please, Niles.

Well, the woman is light weight,
for God's sake.

Oh, just stop it.
You're changing the subject.

This afternoon,
for the first time in your life,

a perfectly lovely woman
whom you don't even know

has agreed to go away with you
on a weekend.

Isn't that exactly the kind of scenario
you've always dreamed of?

Yes.

And if you pass it up,
won't you regret it?

Yes.

Well, then, for once
in your timid, risk-free life,

don't you think it's time
you grabbed for that brass ring?

It's a great kitchen, Frasier.

You guys feel like firing up
the cappuccino maker?

Yes!

Of course, if I have that much caffeine
at this hour, it'll probably be-- Yes!

FRASIER: Ah, there we are.

After you, ladies.

Oh, this place is perfect.

And don't you just love this air?
Oh, I am going to sleep like a baby.

Me too.

Jeez, I hope you two don't mind
roughing it.

There's no radio or television.

Well, I guess we'll just have to make
our own entertainment.

We should be able to manage that.
Come on, let's go look around outside.

We'll start the fire,
and we'll be right out.

- Yes.
- BETH: Okay.

Well, Niles, I think things are going
rather well, don't you?

Yes, they are, and thank you
for twisting my arm.

Feel like a new man, do you?

I feel like a new woman,

and thank God
I remembered to pack one.

You know, I just wish I were sure that
Beth and I were on the same page.

I've forgotten how to
read all the signals.

Niles, you don't need a decoder ring
to understand the phrase

- "make our own entertainment."
- I know.

Then again, there was that other
statement about sleeping like a baby.

Exactly. They could be
thinking platonic.

The two of them in one room
sleeping like babies.

The two of us in another
crying like babies.

Well, we're all adults.

I suppose we could just
ask them what they have in mind.

That'd be the worst thing we could do.
What if they're not interested?

Then we'd all be embarrassed.
It would ruin the entire weekend.

I know. Their luggage will tell us.

We'll put my bag in with your date's
and your bag in with my date's.

They'll see the mistake.

- Right.
- How they correct it will tell

with whom they were planning to
spend the night, each other or us.

And either way, it'll all look like
a misunderstanding.

You've done this before!

Only on my honeymoon.
Now, hurry.

Niles, this is idiotic.
We're both trained psychiatrists.

Yes, and finally it's paying off.

- Oh, Frasier, this place is heaven.
- FRASIER: Yes.

Why don't we open up a bottle of wine
and watch the sunset?

You know, the sun won't be setting
for a little while yet.

Just think how much more we'll enjoy it
if we got all our unpacking done first.

Oh, that can wait.

By the way, Beth and I were talking,

and I don't know what you guys
had in mind for tonight,

and sorry if this sounds
kind of forward,

but we would like to avoid an awkward,
uncomfortable situation

by getting this out in the open
right now.

When we go out to dinner tonight,
it's on us.

Oh.

- Well, that's, that's awfully nice of you.
- Very. Yes.

Um, speaking of awkwardness...
Um, uh, you know--

Look at that sunset.

- Are you as crazed by this as I am?
- It's driving me out of my mind.

All right then. We're gonna settle this
once and for all.

Now, just follow my lead.

Yes, that is lovely, isn't it?

It's magnificent.

AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
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Not feeling so hot, huh?

What'd the doctor say?

He says I've got--

Oh, what was that medical term
he used?

Oh, I remember. Flu.

God, I'm really sorry I didn't let you
get that flu shot.

Is there anything at all
that I can do for you?

Well, when I was a little girl
and got sick,

Grammy Moon used to read me
to sleep.

- It was a great comfort.
- Oh.

- Is this what you're reading?
- Mm-hmm.

The Rose and The Rapier?

Well, if you're not in the mood...

[BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY]

[COUGHS]

-...you don't have to.
- No, no, I'll do it.

- The bookmark's where I left off.
- All right.

Okay. "With a gasp of dismay,
she ran to him,

her amethyst eyes wide with alarm.

'You fool,' she hissed,
'suppose someone saw you?

The duke's men are everywhere."'

This isn't so bad.

Told you.

"'You fool,' she whispered again,
'you sweet, brave, wonderful fool.

I should have died had you not found
my bed chamber."'

Oh, jeez.

"Then she was in his arms,
and all her qualms forgotten as she...

...tore his tunic asunder and...

...thrust her eager lips against
the sinews of his naked chest.

- The next morning--"
- You left out a section.

Okay, okay.

"As his brazen fingers peeled the
silken fabric from her heaving...

...bosom...

...he beheld her quivering
alabaster mounds.

At that moment, she felt the proof
of his rampant passion

against her milky thighs.

His almost godlike beauty...

...was marred only...

...by the fact that he was..."

Cross-eyed, 3 feet tall
and had breath like owl droppings.

Is there anything more relaxing

than just lazing by a fire
with a glass of wine?

Nothing I know of.

You two must be relaxed,
sitting there so calmly

when there's still
all that unpacking to do.

Niles, we didn't bring that much.

Yeah, we didn't think we'd need
too many clothes this weekend.

Well, I hate to break things up,
but I'm getting a little sleepy,

- so I'm gonna get ready for bed.
- Yeah, it is getting kind of late.

- You finished with that?
- Oh, yes, yes.

Niles.

I can't take this anymore.

These women are as inscrutable
as sphinxes.

Yes. Since we got here,
all they've done

is sent us the most veiled,
cloaked, cryptic messages.

Can't they just give us
one clear signal?

Well, I'm off to bed.
Niles, are you coming?

- Curse these infernal riddles.
- Niles!

So she really said
what I thought she said?

Yes! Go!

Suitcase. Suitcase.

And there you are.

- Sleep well.
- Oh, you too.

- Niles, what are you doing?
- Oh, uh, never mind.

Yes, is Mrs Crane there?
Yes, I'll hold.

What is that, some sort of weird,
kinky foreplay?

- I'm starting to feel guilty about this.
- Now?

I'm sorry, I just need to clarify
the ground rules

of Maris and my separation.

Oh, fine, fine,

I think you may look back
on this one day as your darkest hour,

but you do what you want to.

Yes, Maris. Uh, It occurred to me,
uh, you know,

we, we, uh, never laid out the rules
about our dating other people

- and what we could and couldn't--
- Niles, what are you doing?

Coming.

I-- Well, no, here, here's the thing.

I, I know that we're allowed
to see other people.

Uh, my question is, how much of them
are we allowed to see?

Oh, be right with you.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, really?
Oh, well, that's wonderful.

That's, that's, that's all l
needed to know. Thank you.

- Yes?
- You were wrong.

Maris says she doesn't mind
at all. Ah!

Well, then, off you go.

Let the revels begin.

What? What?

Why doesn't Maris mind at all?

LAURA: What's going on?

Nothing. Just a second.
It's Niles. I'll be a moment.

Why do you care?

Well, because she could've
taken a lover herself,

and this is her way
of alleviating her guilt.

Okay, Niles, what do you wanna do?
You wanna stew over that all night?

- Let her have all the fun?
- Well, no. No, of course not.

Well, then, off you go.

FRASIER: Hi.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

- BETH: Niles?
- Uh, momentito.

Hello. Yes, Maris.

Well, I see, but--

All right.

Yes?

- LAURA: Frasier?
- I'll just be a second.

She's changed her mind. She doesn't
want me to go through with it.

Do you realize
what's happening here?

Yes. Your ex-wife is ruining
my sex life! Give me that!

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Could I...? Uh, I...

What are you doing?

What--? What are you doing?

What if she changed her mind again?
How am I to know?

I am going to say this
just one last time.

This weekend is not about thinking.
It's about doing.

Doing something that the Crane boys
haven't done for a very, very long time.

For once in our miserable,
sex-starved lives,

can't we do something pleasurable
without thinking it to death?

Don't think about today.
Don't think about what's right.

Don't even think of them
as Laura and Beth.

For tonight, they are just two live,
breathing, available female bodies

who want us!

Think again.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Do you remember which snow bank
you threw my phone into?

Oh, I think I could hit it again.

Frasier. Frasier. Frasier!

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