Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

♪

Wow, dinner smells great, Lois. What'd you make?

Nothing. I just defrosted one of the casseroles

Bonnie left on our porch after my foot got infected.

Most of our meals are donated stews born of trauma.

Well, I had a scary day.

During my science lab, a whole beaker of chemicals

almost blew up right in my face.

Oh, my God!

Look at this peanut. It's got three peanuts in it.

Peter, stop bringing snack foods to dinner.

How was everyone else's day?

My day was awful!

I had to give an oral book report

in front of my English class,

but it was right when I... was at full mast.

Okay, next up is Chris Griffin.

Uh...

[grunting]

-[groaning] -[laughter]

My report is on Tom Sawyer.

"A modern-day warrior,

"mean, mean stride,

"today's Tom Sawyer,

mean, mean pride."

That is a song by Rush.

I don't know, man, I googled it, and that's what came up.

Well, as much as I'd love to sit and hear more

about my son's public wood show,

me and the guys have a tee time.

A tee time? But it's dark out.

Miniature golf, Lois.

And it's gonna be a blast.

Even more fun than a Blow Pop.

I never should've married it.

Once they say "I do," they don't.

♪

Ah, man, nothing better

than hanging out with my pals on a Tuesday night.

Hey, why... how come we always do stuff together on Tuesdays?

It's when America unloads all its week-old tacos.

Sure, Congress can push through "Taco Tuesday,"

but we can't seem to get decent Medicare reform.

Those two things are unrelated, Joe.

Says the shill for Big Taco.

[children giggling]

Should've played through that birthday party.

They're playing way too slow.

Could we please have some quiet on the greens?

♪

[sniffing]

Whoa, Chris, what's going on? Where are you going?

I can't take the humiliation.

I think my only option is to move away forever.

What? Wh-- Is this about what happened with your book report?

The teasing was awful, Brian.

Even Principal Shepherd got in on it.

[Shepherd over P.A.] Chris Griffin,

please report to woodshop.

-[laughter] -Stop it.

I'll stop when they stop laughing.

My approval rating is through the roof.

Just like Chris Griffin's rod.

[whooping]

On a more somber note, that kid with the helmet die.

Chris, you can't just run away from your problems.

Well, I can't just move on and pretend nothing happened.

This isn't a school shooting.

[sighs] Okay, I see you're upset.

And I wouldn't suggest this if it weren't so serious, but...

Look, Stewie and I built a time machine.

You did? How?

Well, you know, I was always really good at Legos,

and I-I think it just kind of snowballed from there.

You know, if I have any advice, it's keep building, Chris.

Keep building.

Anyway, maybe you and I travel back in time to this morning

and give you a do-over on your book report.

That would be amazing.

Did Rupert come this way?

Son of bitch killed his wife and he's blaming

an eight-armed man.

Brian's gonna let me use his time machine

-to re-do my book report. -Oh, is that right?

And how exactly is Brian going to do that, hmm?

-With his time machine? -Hey, I handed you a wrench.

Yeah, the wrong wrench. Just stay away from it.

♪

Hey, guys, you know what might be fun?

We should all pool our money

and buy some scratchers together.

-I love that idea. -Yeah, it'd be a great way

to cap off our Tuesday Guys' Night.

Oh, speaking of that, we've got a special on tacos today.

Let's keep your politics out of this, pal.

Ah, you guys go ahead. I'd rather spend my money

on this tightly-curled horoscope scroll.

Suit yourself.

Here we go, winning combo.

Kim Kardashian...

Khloé Kardashian...

Scott Disick.

I'll try my favorite, Dignity Dollars.

Martin Luther King...

Malcolm X...

Aww. Jussie Smollett.

Let me show you how it's done. Give me one of the Bald Bucks.

Piven...

Travolta...

Cage.

-I'm a winner! -Awesome.

We won $123.

Split three ways, that's 41 bucks apiece.

That's fine. I'm happy with my horoscope scroll.

"Be sure to gamble today with your handicapped,

horny and Black friend."

[scoffs] That-that could mean anything.

"Also, close your search tabs

before your big work presentation tomorrow."

[scoffs] Bunch of mumbo jumbo.

As you can see, third-quarter sales-- uh...

Oop, uh, sorry about that.

Yeah, let me just, uh...

Okay, I-I don't know how that, uh...

Ah, just give me one second here.

A-As I was saying, third-quarter...

I apologize for the slight, uh...

A mini-mart scroll warned of this. I'll clean out my desk.

♪

[door creaks]

I don't know, Brian.

Stewie said to stay away from the time machine.

Don't worry about Stewie.

Okay, just put in today's date, set the time and go.

-[alarm sounds] -[computer] DNA mismatch.

Enter secondary voice password

within 20 seconds to prevent self-destruct.

Crap. Secondary password?

Self-destruct?

Wait, wait, wait. I got this.

Zac Efron.

Um, Susan Lucci.

Uh, uh, uh, Dora. Diego. Gold's Gym.

-Mykonos. -Oh, I-I know, I know.

Fabulous. Fab. Totally fab.

Uh, uh, go, bitch.

Whatever, bitch. Love you, bitch.

Um, yes, queen.

Yas, queen.

Y-Yas, queen.

[alarm stops]

♪

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Did you see that?

♪

Check it out, Chris.

Welcome to 16 hours ago.

So, how does it feel to be living in the past?

Wow. Look how small that tree is.

And how old all those cars look.

Oh, yeah, there's gonna be a lot

of very small differences like that.

Hold on, I-I thought we were gonna time travel to my school,

not to our house.

Oh, yeah, I just plugged in

what was on the tag on my collar.

That's the only address I know.

Wait a minute, this could be amazing.

We got a few hours before your book report.

And with a day's advantage, we can use that time

to bet on sports, already knowing the outcome.

Oh, my gosh, you're right.

Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Ah, here we go. WNBA.

There's a Mystics-Sparks game today.

Remember who won that?

I don't even know what city they're from.

Which one has Caitlin Clark?

I-I don't know.

Both of them? Neither?

Man, she's the best, maybe.

♪

Hey, Cleveland. You look different.

Yeah, with my scratcher winnings,

I was able to buy $41 of Ozempic.

Donna thinks I'm starting to look like skinny Jonah Hill.

And just like Jonah Hill, I can't wait

to be an aggressively unstable relationship partner.

I see. Must be nice to have money to burn.

I wouldn't know.

Say, guys, I forget,

how many people does it take to make a thing go right?

♪ It takes two to make a thing go right. ♪

I think you knew the answer.

Thanks to those lucky scratchers,

I just bought Now That's What I Call Music! volume 12.

Game, cassette, match.

Hey, check it out, guys,

I turned those winning scratchers into a new belt.

TJ Maxx was having a sale on everything

-that's strewn on the floor. -Great.

Seems like everybody's really enjoying their big winnings.

Uh-uh.

You can't wear that shirt because of my therapy.

I got her right under my pudgy, nonthreatening thumb.

♪

Okay, it's almost time for your English class.

We just have to head off your past self

so you can give the book report instead.

Sounds good. Whoa, I guess

if I have anything to say to Derek, I should say it now.

I have nothing to say to Derek.

Oh, here I come.

Chris, uh, you can't go in there.

[chuckles] Brian, what are you doing here?

[gasps] Are you me?

Look, there's not much time. We're from the future.

Well, your future, our present.

Let me stop you right there.

I am 100% fine with whatever this is.

I just go where I'm told.

Okay, Chris, get in there and make this

the flaccid-est report of your life.

-I won't let you down. -[bell rings]

[teacher] Just in time, Chris. You're up.

[Chris] Not today I'm not.

Hello, peers. This is my report on the book Tom Sawyer.

The cover shows a kid painting a fence.

And inside it is paper, which is made from trees.

-The end. -[teacher] Chris, I may have to fail you.

[Chris] Well, that's all good, 'cause the only chub in town

is the insurance company. Kobe!

♪

Quagmire, I see you're wearing a brown belt today.

Did you buy another one?

Nope, same belt. Reversible.

That just blew my damn mind.

Belts are reversible, men are becoming women,

I'm kind of getting into it, what's this world coming to?

Evening, gentlemen. Thought I'd offer

some celebratory popcorn shrimp for the big scratcher winners.

Wow, no way!

That's the appetizer in commercials

most likely to fly through the air.

Any food that's airborne on television is very special.

[crunching]

Peter, come on, have some.

I understood the shrimp to be exclusively for winners.

Damn it! It's not fair.

I got to find a way to have what they have.

Okay, suction cups. Pulley system.

Carabiners. Rope. Ski mask.

And one last thing: a bat.

I-I don't understand the crossword ones.

♪

Well, Chris, probably time to head home.

And congrats again on a successful,

non-turgid book report.

Please stop saying gross smart words.

Uh, hey... is, uh,

is there maybe something you guys want to tell me?

Yeah. Did you know there was a WNBA game yesterday

between the Mystics and the Sparks?

Yes, of course.

The Mystics crushed the Sparks by 26 points.

[both] Aw...

Yeah, huge upset. Vegas had it all wrong.

[both] Aw!

Listen, I know you're probably mad

we took the time machine without asking,

but, trust me, there's nothing to worry about.

You sure about that?

[both screaming]

Uh, sorry, little guy.

Mom thinks it'll help the swelling from the burns

if I put some of your diaper cream on my face.

[West] Looks like Brian and Chris kicked up

a little more than dust on their mosey back in time.

Now, please consider these fine commercial products.

Whip sound effect.

Yeah, he probably wasn't supposed to read

-that last part. -[rope snaps]

Yeah. There, you see? There it is.

♪

Holy crap! What happened?

We-we didn't even see Meg in the past.

Well, Brian...

I would surmise that in the original timeline,

the laughter at Chris emanating from his classroom

created a distraction...

So by turning her head slightly to investigate,

Meg kept her face from being directly over the explosion.

But in a timeline where Chris was unaroused...

...the distracting laughter was absent.

Come on! Not one bag of pot in any of these things?

So with no noise coming from Chris's classroo,

Meg never turned her head away,

ensuring that her face would absorb

the full brunt of the explosion.

It's a weird word. "Brunt." Such a dumb language.

I feel horrible. We got to fix this.

That's exactly what we're going to do.

Oh, this is bad. Did-did anything else change?

One thing. Lois bought popsicles for Meg

since that's all she can eat now.

Mmm, so good. What's yours?

-Apple. -Aw, there's apple?

I thought that was lime.

But we should...

we should go fix the Meg-burned-face thing,

though, right?

Yeah, yeah. All right.

Oh, hey, you guys.

I also got ice cream sandwiches for Meg.

It's a time machine. We can leave whenever we want.

I mean, we make the schedule.

Yeah. Like, literally.

♪

Jon Hamm.

Arnold Palmer.

The third one's just a mirror.

Oh, wait a minute.

Scratcher!

Peter? It's the middle of the night.

What the hell are you doing?

-Uh... having an affair? -What? With who?

You-you don't know her. Her-her name is...

...Sandy Shoes.

Peter, are you just looking at stuff in the car

and making up lies?

Lois, that is completely speedometer.

[sighs] Look, I don't know what any of this is,

but just don't turn on the bathroom light

when you come to bed.

Okay, tha-thank you.

Th-Thanks for no more questions, love you.

[siren wails]

Mr. Griffin, you're under arrest for--

I know, I know. How'd you find me?

The store security camera caught you checking your height

against the doorjamb sticker.

I'm afraid I'm shrinking.

We're gonna measure again at the jail, though, right?

♪

All right, we're back at the day of Chris's book report.

To save Meg's face, we just have to do two things.

First, we lock up the Chris

who successfully gave his report without incident.

-Flaccid Chris. -Yes. Ew, ew, gross, but yes.

And then we restore the laughter that will distract Meg

by releasing the original Chris from the custodial closet--

Turgid Chris.

You think you're clever, but you're not clever.

Look, there's Flaccid me.

Happy? Now your crudeness is a whole thing.

Okay, gonna stop you right there, bud.

Stewie? Aw, crap, this can't be good.

Hey, Chris, we're gonna need you to--

Uh-oh.

-Stewie, we've got a problem. -What? What's wrong?

It seems that, given even a few minutes alone

in a locked closet, Chris, uh... took matters into his own hands.

-What? -Yeah, he's in there sleeping

and muttering about Lola Bunny from Space Jam.

-Who's that? -A smoking hot rabbit.

Okay, I didn't get it when you said it, but now I get it.

-So, what do we do now? -Don't worry. I've got this.

Chris, your book report is back on.

But... this time you've got to do it at full mast.

Yeah, um, one small issue with that:

during the time you two were yakking

about how the me in the closet just masturbated...

I, too, masturbated.

-What?! -Oh, for God's sake.

Damn it! We're running out of time to save Meg.

Chris, we've got less than one minute to get you aroused.

Um... okay.

Close your eyes. You're a 19th-century heiress,

alone in her vast estate

and awaiting a visit from the handsome vicar,

as her dear aunt has recently passed from consumption...

Yeah, that-that's nothing.

[sighs] Well, I'm not proud

of what I'm about to say here, but...

go to YouTube and type in,

"Brazilian Women's Olympic Volleyball Team Practice."

They're all speaking Spanish. Is that part of it for you?

-Portuguese, but yes. -You guys, you guys, stop.

I'll just type in

"Lauren Boebert mutual groping vaping

in public Beetlejuice."

Oh, you kind of sexy liar.

I'm ready.

He's a good kid. I'm proud of him.

[students laughing]

What's everyone laughing about?

Which one is Derek's locker?

He can't find his anti-seizure medicine.

♪

Hey, just so you know, I can eat 50 eggs.

You already told me that four times.

Okay, well, 50 sometimes sounds like 15,

so I just wanted to make sure you were properly impressed.

Huh. What are you guys doing here?

Ain't you all too good for me now?

Peter, we never felt that way.

Yeah, we were the ones who wanted you

to buy scratchers with us in the first place.

That's why we've come to bail you out.

Bail me out? Seriously?

Uh, look, I'm sorry I overreacted, you guys.

I think I was just frustrated

about never actually winning anything.

Peter, of course you're a winner.

You've got a beautiful wife, a family who loves you,

and-and a bathroom window

that's not as frosted as you think.

And you're white. That's a big one.

Oh, yeah.

My insulated experience of the world

always makes me forget that.

We pooled our last 15 dollars

of scratcher winnings to pay your fine.

-50 dollars? -No, 15.

Oh.

See? This, that-that's,

this is the thing that I was saying.

Man, you guys are the best.

I hope you can forgive me for acting so crazy.

Of course we do, Peter.

Wait a second. You got me out of jail

for only 15 dollars after I committed a robbery?

Well, I, uh, pulled a few strings.

Kind of an easy sell to the Chief because you're white.

See? There's that, there's that thing that I was saying.

♪

Are we for sure in the clear? How's Meg?

Mom, have you seen Meg?

Yeah, she went to the store.

Well, I'm sure she's fine.

To pick up some ointment.

-Uh-oh. -For her vagina.

[cheering]

Oh, bit of a journey, but we got there.

Listen, Stewie, we never should've used

your time machine without telling you.

Chris and I owe you an apology.

It's fine, Brian.

At least your heart was in the right place.

Yeah, well, that's the thing. I'm... I'm not sure it was.

You see, Chris, I never should've suggested

a do-over on your book report.

What? Why not?

Well, I realize now that all the awkward,

embarrassing, difficult experiences in life are exactly

what shape people into interesting adults.

You need these cringey moments.

Because I know you have a very interesting future ahead of you.

-Thanks, Brian. -You know what?

Maybe let's put a pin in the hug

until that book report pistol's back in its holster.

Eh, that could just be time-travel-related.

-From the reentry. -R-Really?

Yeah, you know how you can get rando boners on airplanes?

-It's like that. -Oh, that's right.

The first person it ever happened to

was Charles Lindbergh.

[announcer] Here's Lucky Lindbergh landig

in the City of Lights.

And like all great pilots,

he's emerged from the cockpit

with a Betty Boop beach towel around his waist.

I am perfectly limp,

and what the Nazis do is an internal matter.

♪

What's going on, guys?

It's me, Corey, with After the "Guy."

We've only got a minute to break down

all the best guy moments from this week.

And, as always, we're brought to you by too many sponsors.

Peter, what did you think of the episode?

Well, Corey, I'd say most of it was freaking sweet,

just like squeezable Smucker's jelly,

now with a spillproof top.

And even if there was a plot hole or two,

they're no match for Flex Tape.

Flex Tape: stick it in a drawer, forget you have it,

then buy it again three years later.

Okay, question for Stewie. "Who can understand the baby?"

Okay, as I've explained for the last six of these, Corey--

He-he had to leave. He's boxing Jake Paul tonight.

[West] Closing credits under theme song.

Is there a way to highlight just the words he has to say?

♪