All language subtitles for familyguy23x19en

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things
that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Well, it's October.

Time to spend $35

on something that
costs about 19 cents the rest of the year.

You made me come here.
You don't get to complain.

Okay, fine.
Let's find a pumpkin.

Ugh. This one's
too soft and soggy.

My finger
poked right through it.

Yeah. Let me just take this
out of your way, Mom.

You and I are gonna have
a wonderful holiday together.

♪ He did the monster mash... ♪

How many times do we
have to hear Monster Mash?

I guess there aren't
any other Halloween songs.

Sure there are. Ghostbusters?

No, that's not
a Halloween song.

- Um, Zombie?
- No.

-Spooky? Witchy Woman?
- No.

-Somebody's Watching Me?
- No. Not even close.

-Don't Fear the Reaper.
- No.

-Highway to Hell.
- Eh. Wrong.

-Black Magic Woman?
- Nope.

Okay, I got it. Thriller.

Well, scary.
But for the wrong reason.

Can you imagine the things
that pet monkey must have witnessed?

Neverland?

More like always-land.

Can I get a refill
and a diaper change over here?

Come on.

Hi, Lois. Still getting
all your decorations up?

Yep.

And it would probably
take less time

if anyone from the house
would come out and help me.

Well, maybe
a little less girl talk,

and you'd be done by now.

Halloween got you down, Lois?

Honestly, I am sick of it.

Used to be just for kids.

Dress up, get some candy.

But now,
grownups have hijacked it.

It's like a stupid
week-long convention

where even adults
wear costumes.

And who decided every year
we all have to turn our yards

into some crazy elaborate set
from a horror movie?

Look, everyone's doing it,
even Quagmire.

Wow, that's
quite a display, Glenn.

It's eerie.
They almost look human.

Yeah, that's the idea.

Guys, I need help deciding
on my Halloween costumes.

So just sit here
and I'm gonna model them for you.

Not this song again.

♪ The monster mash ♪

♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪

Hmm, let me guess.
Fabio at his prom holding a stick?

No, I'm sexually-charged
lesbian conductor Lydia Tar.

Yeah. I'm not sure
people will get that.

Okay. How about this?

Now I'm sexually-charged
bisexual conductor Leonard Maestro.

His name's
not Leonard Maestro.

Whatever. All the kids
this year want to be horny conductors.

What else you got?

I'm sorry, but I simply
cannot listen to this song

- any longer.
- Me neither.

How can there not be
any other Halloween songs?

Brian, that's it.

We should write
a new Halloween song.

We could be rich!

Halloween song, huh?

Well, I suppose I could toss a few
bon mots into the witch's cauldron.

- Forget it.
- No, no, no. It's a good idea.

Sorry about
the bon mots stuff. Let's do it.

All right. Well, I did have
one thought. Check it out.

♪ Halloween, Halloween Happy Halloween ♪

Whoa! Kind of catchy, right?

Well, yeah. It's Jingle Bells.

Ish.

Well, there's
your winner, Chris.

Amazing.
The fat thighs, misshapen breasts.

And you even put olive oil
under the arms for the pit stains.

Wait, who are you
supposed to be?

- I'm Grimsburg.
- Who?

- Uh-oh.
- Which means I'm Meg.

Uh-oh.

We now return
to Abbott and Costello Elementary.

Okay. So as the new
vice principal,

it's important that you learn
all the names of our faculty.

That's what
I want to find out.

Well, it's very simple.
We have Mr. Present,

Mr. Absent, Mr. Here,
Mr. Yep, and Ms. Yo.

Okay.
And all of 'em are here?

Well, no,
only one of them is Here.

- You don't see all of 'em?
- Of course I do.

But you just said
only one of them is here!

- What about this guy?
- No, he's not Here.

He's Absent.

Let's just take
attendance, okay?

- Mr. Absent.
- Here.

- Mr. Here.
- Present.

- Mr. Yep.
- Yo.

- Miss Yo.
- Yep.

Mr. Present. Mr. Present?

Ah. So, Present is absent.

- Wait, present is absent?
- That's right.

I thought you said
he was absent.

- He is.
- But he's present.

No, he's not Present.
Present is absent.

Wait. So who's present
and who's absent?

He's Absent
and Present is absent.

So he is present?

- No, he's absent.
- So he's Here,

but Present is absent
and Absent is present?

Now that's the first thing
you've said right.

I don't even know
what I said!

Oh, there you are.
What are you wearing?

Well, my other costumes
didn't work.

So now I'm dead Travis Kelce.

See, depending
on how it all plays out,

I'm either sadly haunted by
the loss of Taylor, or in eternal bliss,

because I died
in that sweet, sweet saddle.

Well, I'm sure the kids will know what
that means while you hand out candy.

Hand out candy?

Mom, I'll be out
trick-or-treating.

Chris, you are too old
to go trick-or-treating.

You're in high school
for God's sake.

But, Mom, Halloween is
the most magical night of the year.

And you'll still be
part of the magic by taking on the dreary

and thankless responsibilities
that grownups do every year.

Peter, back me up on this.

Do what your mother says,
Chris, or trust me,

next thing you know, she'll be counting
your beers at a wedding.

Peter, I am done talking about what
happened at my cousin Pammy's wedding.

I didn't say I was gonna
bang that bridesmaid.

I just said that I would.

There's a difference, Lois.

There's a--
There's a difference.

Mom, this stinks.

I've been looking forward
to trick-or-treating all year.

Well, I'm sorry, Chris,
but that's life.

Things don't always work out
the way you hoped they would.

Amazon, you will transport
gifts and treasures all around the world.

Waterford, you will be packed
with elegant crystal pieces.

Cologuard, an aging boomer
will crap in you,

then mail you off
to see if he has a rotten ass.

Psst, Chris.

Dad, what's going on?

Shh. You and I
are going trick-or-treating.

But Mom said--

I'm not afraid
of your mom, Chris.

That's why we're out here
in the dark driveway whispering.

Yay! I'm gonna
hang out with Dad.

This is my year
of saying yes, Chris.

Side note,
do you see me as a Jeep guy?

Well, that depends.

What music streaming service
will you be listening to while driving?

None. I will be dangerously
thumbing through a sleeve

full of Jack Johnson CDs
while I drive.

Dad...

buy the Jeep.

Chris, I already did.

Jeep. Tariffs
have forced us back into the conversation.

Dad, I can't believe
I'm in a bar.

Are you sure
we shouldn't tell Mom?

Now, there's a lot of things your mother
doesn't need to know about, Chris.

Us trick-or-treating,

that restraining order
from Sydney Sweeney,

my addiction to Afrin.

Wow, this is all so new to me.

It's a big night, son.

Lying to the most important
woman in your life

to serve your own
selfish needs?

You're becoming a man,
just like your dad.

Oh, cool. You guys
are doing Sister Act.

No, we're doing The Town.

We just couldn't find
any toy guns or old lady masks.

- Ooh!
- I love Sister Act.

- We're The Town.
- Maybe we should pivot.

- No pivots!
- Peter, Sister Act made $231 million

against a $30 million budget,

and those are 1992 dollars.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Fine. We'll do Sister Act.
But I'm Whoopi.

Oh, that's some bull crud.

Hey, Dad, what if Mom sees us
out trick-or-treating tonight?

Oh, we're not
trick-or-treating in Quahog, Chris.

She'll never know.

And we got
our story straight, right?

We all told our wives
we're going to the game.

- Yep. The game.
- Going to the game.

Yep. And I told everyone
who needed to know.

Alexa, I'm going to the game
with the guys later.

I heard you're going
to be gay with the guys later.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

Now playing
It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls.

♪ It's raining men!
Hallelujah! ♪

Okay.

All right, Brian,
we're a team

and this is our sanctuary.

Wide open.
Let's make some magic.

- No bad ideas in here.
- Cool.

So I thought we could start with words
that rhyme with Halloween.

Mmm. No.
Bad idea. Very bad.

Oof. But let's keep at it.

And as we do, Brian,
I just want to say

that Andrew Ridgeley
was a very important part of Wham!.

So before you start beating up
on yourself, remember that.

Okay. Well, how do you know
you're not Andrew Ridgeley?

That unimportant
blow-dried Klingon?

Not a chance.

Now, I was thinking,
how about a Halloween rap song?

Uh, yeah,
I guess kids still like rap.

Oh, indeed.

Now, the first rule of writing
a rap song is to say who you are

and then
what you are here to do.

♪ My name is Stewie And I'm here to say ♪

♪ Everybody have
a happy Halloween day ♪

Huh?

Uh, well, honestly, I don't think anyone
really says "Halloween Day."

Well, they might,
after they hear it in our new song.

Oh, and Brian,
fans are already speculating

as to whether or not
you and I are a couple.

So I suggest
we do a press release

to get out ahead
of all the rumors.

Stewie, we don't
have any fans.

We haven't
even written a song yet.

And yet the rumors persist.

Well, I suppose it's our own fault
for not getting separate rooms

at the Golden Door Spa,
although, for obvious reasons,

I do consider that
our anniversary.

Okay, whatever.
What if we did, like,

We Didn't Start the Fire,
but just naming Halloween candies?

♪ Snickers, Milky Way,
Almond Joy and Toffifay ♪

Ooh, good start. But, oh...

How are we going to rhyme
"trouble in the Suez"?

Bubblicious Blue Pez?

You know what?
We are elevating that to a maybe.

You having fun
trick-or-treating, Chris?

Yeah, and I love the way
homeowners resent me

as soon as they see
how old I am.

You know, it's really great being able
to spend this time with you, son,

'cause one day we're
all gonna have sex robots

built to our own specifications
and never leave our rooms.

Really? And how far off
would this be?

Not far off at all, Chris.

We already have
the technology.

Now we just need the will
and the gradual lowering of human morals.

In fact, this could be
the last Halloween ever.

So, is this the last time
I'm ever gonna see you?

No. I mean, we can
hang out when the robots are in the shop

getting their tune-ups,
and they will need tune-ups.

Those things
are gonna get wrecked.

But won't we have
backup sex robots?

Oh, yeah,
I suppose you're right.

Yeah. I guess this is
goodbye, son.

BBC America presents

a damp English detective
series like none before.

Drizzleton.

Boy, it's really
almost coming down today.

In a town ravaged
by murder and drizzle.

Her socks are only half soggy.

The killer can't be far.

Starring an actor
who was a Dr. Who, maybe.

I want them boots bagged
and sent back to the lab in London

where we have proper rain.

Begging your pardon,
Inspector.

The last thing we need
is a heavy-dropper like you

- meddling in this investigation.
- Drizzleton, don't.

Wait, I'm Drizzleton?
I thought it was the town.

Drizzleton,
a mystery that can't be mist.

- Trick or treat.
- Oh.

Another Squid Game costume.

I guess nobody cares
what their kids are watching anymore.

Lois, how's your candy
holding up?

Well, better than me.
I don't have any help over there tonight.

Chris was upset
that he couldn't go trick-or-treating,

so Peter took him to the game.

Huh? That's funny. Joe told me
he was going to the game.

Cleveland told me
the same thing.

So wait, wait, wait, wait.
They were all together?

What big game
is being played tonight?

I don't know.
I thought The Game was a movie.

I thought it was a rapper.

Wait a minute.
So they all went to "a game."

But none of us
really knows what it is?

I can't believe Peter.

He's a bigger liar
than American Idol.

Congratulations.
You've won American Idol.

You're going to be
a huge star.

Just like Laine Hardy,
Maddie Poppe, Trent Harmon,

Just Sam, Noah Thompson,
Caleb Johnson, Candice Glover,

and Nick Fradiani.

Are those real names?

I don't know.

Ah, there he is.

Or, as I would say
in autotune...

♪ There he is ♪

Stewie, how much
have you spent on this venture?

You can't put a price
on perfection, Bri.

But if you could,
it would be $9,418.

But don't worry,
I've got it under control.

Okay. So who's that?

Oh, that's Satsuki.
I need her to be here,

but I assure you it will not
impact our process in any way.

Huh. So anyway, I had an idea
to do some lyrics about candy corn.

Yeah, it's gonna be
a no on that one.

Who is this again?

Brian, you should worry a little less
about her and more about your input.

I mean, I have put a lot
into this studio.

I even bought cases
of La Croix for us to take one sip out of

and then leave
around the room.

- Um, is that one mine?
- I don't know.

Well, I'll just open
another one.

Try to work out
a baseline, Bri.

Me and Satsuki are gonna get
our pubic hairs tangled for a photo shoot.

Stewie, I'm not entirely sure
I know what's going on here anymore.

Yeah, because
I'm doing all the work!

You know,
I don't need this, Brian.

I could go right back
to the Brill Building

and keep writing jingles
for Palmolive and Ralston Purina

commuting in from New Rochelle
and pulling down 20 Gs a year.

Okay, you know what? I'm done.

I really thought you and I
could have some fun doing this, Stewie.

But now the whole thing
has just turned into a nightmare.

Wait, say that again.

What? Nightmare?

Yes, that gives me
a great idea for our song.

All right. I think we've
earned today's heroin.

Wait, what?

Brian, I want you
to make love to us.

Geez, this guy's blinding me
with his high beams.

Don't flash
your lights, Peter.

Sometimes those guys
are gang members

who kill the first guy
to flash back.

That's just
an urban myth, Cleveland.

Idiot's probably on his phone.

Oh, God, Dad, this is bad.

I can't get any signal.
We need to call for help.

Well, maybe those guys
with the chainsaws have a better phone.

Uh, hi, fellas.

Kind of late
to be doing yard work, isn't it?

You are going to die.

- Did you prime it?
- It doesn't need to be primed.

Yeah, you should prime it
and open the choke.

- Uh, the choke's open.
- Okay, then close the choke.

Is the chain brake activated?

It's got to be activated
or it won't start.

It's a safety thing.

Yeah, there you go.
Now we're gonna die.

Guys, someone needs
to puncture my poop bag.

It's full.
It's only slowing me down.

Keep going. I see a cottage.

Oh, no, we gotta
go back to the car.

What? What for?

Our bags. They might have
candy at that house.

Okay, fine. We'll just do pockets.

Dad, I'm scared.
This is terrible.

I know, Chris, and it's certainly not
the way I thought I was gonna die.

Here you are, sir.

And remember, if you eat
the entire 96-ounce steak, it's free.

Well, I'm starting to regret
that second French onion soup.

But let's do this.

Good evening, ma'am.

Trick or treat
and we're about to be murdered.

Could we please
use your phone?

Ugh. Oh, yeah.
She wants me to do the Truffle Shuffle.

I swear to God,
Everywhere I go, this happens.

Oh, she's offering us
some hot chocolate.

You know, that'll really hit the spot
on a cool autumn evening.

Yeah, I don't know.
This is weird.

What we really need
is a phone--

Ooh, mini marshmallows.

Ah, that was delicious.

And as long as I don't start
seeing two of you

slightly out of focus,
we should be okay.

How did you like it,
blurry Chris one and two?

Wait, what's going on?

Oh. Oh, God, did I snore?

You are going to die.

Okay, fine.
But just one thing.

If you cut off my skin
to make a suit,

please don't use it
for gay purposes

or hold it up
like Jared's pants from a Subway ad.

Kind of a weird request.

Well, it's happened
once before,

but I brought this
on all of us.

I lied to my wife

and even worse,
I taught my son to do the same.

I lied to my wife too.

So did I. Oh, I feel so bad.

I lied to my Alexa.

And for what? Candy.

What the hell
is wrong with me?

I was stupid and wrong.
And I'm so sorry.

You're sorry?

Well...

That's all I wanted to hear.

- Lois?
- Mom?

Oh, Donna, you're just in time
to come with me to the game.

- Shut your mouth, Cleveland.
- It's shut.

Lois, you scared
the crap out of me.

How did you find us?

It was easy. We just used
the Find My Phone app on your phones.

Ah, very clever. Smart women.

I'm not sure any of you had
the right to threaten to kill me.

Lois, you were right.
Halloween is just for kids.

I will never sneak out
to celebrate it again.

Are you kidding me?

This is the most fun
I've had in years.

Halloween is great.

Isn't that right, ladies?

Well, Lois, maybe I'm not
the worst husband in the world after all.

Oh, Peter, I promise I will never
again lose my Halloween spirit.

Come on, everyone.

♪ Should old acquaintance
be forgot and never... ♪

It's not a Halloween song.

I know. Too bad there really isn't
a good Halloween song we could all sing.

Oh, yes, there is.
Hit it, Brian.

It's Halloween, as we prepare
a nightmare that's beyond compare.

As freaks and goblins
creepily advance...

There's really
only one sure way

to keep those ghosts
and ghouls at bay.

♪ It's Stewie's spooky
Quahog nightmare dance ♪

♪ Stick out your arms
like Frankenstein ♪

♪ And swing your booty
just like mine ♪

♪ Or like Shakira
in her sexy pants ♪

♪ Let your head bob
up and down ♪

♪ Like that weird kid
from Charlie Brown ♪

♪ And twist your body
like you're in a trance ♪

♪ And when those spirits
start to rise ♪

♪ You'll quickly cut them
down to size ♪

♪ With Stewie's spooky
Quahog nightmare dance ♪

♪ Lois is a rotting corpse ♪

♪ Fresh from
the bowels of hell ♪

♪ Peter is a toxic zombie
with a noxious smell ♪

♪ Chris has mutant creatures ♪

♪ Bursting from
each arm and leg ♪

♪ And Meg... ♪

♪ Well, oh, my God
we've done it now ♪

♪ Meg really is
a witch somehow ♪

♪ Her face is scowling
just like Steven Van Zandt's ♪

♪ She's really
on a tear up there ♪

♪ But we're all fine
and safe down here ♪

♪ With Stewie's spooky
Kind of crazy, kind of kooky ♪

♪ Stewie's spooky
Quahog nightmare dance ♪

I hear they're a couple. Saw some
pretty racy pictures in Us magazine.

I don't care
about anything you say.

What a great Halloween, Mom.

Let me help you
take down the decorations.

Oh, thanks, Chris.

Yeah, I really hate to do it,

but the whole street
is already decorating for Christmas.

Hi, neighbors.
Season's greetings.

Ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho ho.

Ho ho!