All language subtitles for family-guy-22x9en

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Dear Santa, I hope this letter
finds you and the missus well.

Saw some recent pics, and can I just say,

you are working those red pants, king.

You see, Rupert, you don't just
jump right into the request.

It takes a deft hand and tact.

I demand the blouse Timothee Chalamet
is wearing in this photo.

I don't know where it's from,
but you're Santa,

I trust you'll figure it out.

I would start at Balenciaga,

but I'm not telling you
how to do your job.

- Hi, Stewie.
- Hey, Can you knock?

This isn't stall three
at the LaGuardia men's room.

What are you doing?

I'm writing a letter to Santa.
You know, writing?

What you pretend to do at Starbucks.

Well, I don't know if you should expect
too much for Christmas,

considering you're definitely
on the naughty list.

Oh, Brian the old Stewie
was on the naughty list.

I haven't tried to kill Lois
for I don't know how long.

Letting your mother live, that's nice.

Stewie, you do a lot of things
that aren't nice

besides trying to kill your mom.

Oh, yeah? Name one.

You lured Chris to a remote cabin

and tried to drown him,
because he used to sleep with Rupert.

Crime of passion.
No jury would convict.

You cut the course at that 5k.

You can go through a gas station
if it's on a corner.

You didn't see Wakanda Forever

in the theater on opening weekend.

I was still afraid of Covid.

Not too afraid for JLo's Marry Me.

Brian, I was the only one in that theater.

Well, I don't know.

Did you get a "save the date"
for December 25 yet?

No.

Maybe it went to my spam folder?

No, these are like Adam Schiff emails.

They go right to your inbox.

I'm sorry, Stewie, but it's looking like
you're on the naughty list.

This is bad.

I need to turn this around
before Christmas.

I think it's a little late
in the game for that.

Lots of people do things
last minute at Christmas, Brian.

Jesus is gonna love my gift.

- Mine, too.
- Uh, yeah. Yeah, me too.

Hey, guys, I'm just going to,
like, pull in here for a minute,

just... just to see
if they have a bathroom and whatnot.

Good morning, employees.

I have an exciting announcement.

For our workplace holiday festivities,

the brewery will partake
in an office-wide white elephant.

- Where's Angela?
- Dead.

For those unfamiliar with the rules
of a white elephant gift exchange,

I've asked gangly Judiah, Jeff Goldblum,
to explain it to you.

Yes, yes, yes.

Welcome. Greetings and salutations.

Yes, yes, yes.

White elephant.

Oh!

'Tis the season.

Ho ho ho!

Merry, merry, Mary Steenburgen
the Bergen Mary.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, ivories, tickle, tickle.

Guchie Goo.

Mr. Steinway, please meet Mr. Gershwin.

♪ I've got rhythm ♪

♪ I've got music ♪

There's ten more hours of that

available on the company's website.

Is this a mandatory participation
sort of thing?

Statistically, white elephants
are the best time to poop,

because the bathroom's empty due
to everyone being at the white elephant.

Yes, everyone must participate.

And candidly, your evaluation for the year

largely hinges on it.

Lastly, I'd like to remind you all

that sex toys are not an appropriate gift.

No matter how many times I say it,

each year, there's always one.

Forget sex toys.

Need I remind you, that's how Keith
from accounting got his guitar.

My life's been a living hell ever since.

Somebody say Keith?

Oh, and look here,
brought my buddy with me,

and I think he has something to say.

Here comes the back story.

You know, last year I looked into
a telescope in the Southwest,

changed my life forever.

This song is called
"Are they out there?"

And it's an original.

Obviously.

I got your text. What's so urgent?

Did your Google alert
for "David Beckham divorce" go off?

No, but it will. Tom and Gisele's breakup

really sent a shockwave
through that tier of hotness.

Help me carry my weapons to the trash.

This is the end of evil Stewie, Bri.

I'm breaking good.

Stewie, I think you might be overreacting
to this naughty and nice stuff.

No, no, Brian.
You pointed it out and you were right.

I'm in your debt.

Are these guns from Rick and Morty?

Yeah, they had kind of
a fire sale over there.

God, this one's full of your diapers.

Those aren't mine.
Look at the size of them.

If they're not yours, then whose are they?

It would behoove you, gentlemen,

never to mention this again.

We now return to
Dancing with the Stars,

where stars is in heavy air quotes.

Dancing the foxtrot with her partner,
Maksim Chmerkovskiy,

it's Octo-Mom's seventh child,
whose name is not important.

Okay, who wants to help me
decorate the tree?

We've got loads of time for that.

No, we don't. It's already
an unspecified date in December.

Unspecified date in December?

That means the white elephant's tomorrow.

All right, Peter, calm down.

You're not the first guy to save
Christmas shopping for the last minute.

Wow.

Uh... What is it?

Oh, oh, it's myrrh.

It's a gum resin extracted from
a number of small, thorny trees.

Oh, dude, I'm obsessed with gum resin.

Nice.

Okay. I guess this is my birthday
and Christmas present.

There's got to be something in here
I can wrap and give away.

Kodak disk camera?
Dead Dad's shoes?

Tiny cardboard box? That's perfect.

There's something inside. Even better.

This could work.
But what if Rebecca from sales gets it?

It needs to be special
without seeming like I tried too hard.

And it needs to say,
"maybe there's something more to this"

without being psychotic.

Maybe I'll get her a noose
with a card that says,

"Don't make me hang out alone."

Nah, I'll do the brooch.

Save the noose for Valentine's.

Welcome to the office holiday party.

Aka, the time of year,

where you're required
to use your lunch break

to socialize with people
you see every day.

Stella, you drew first
for the white elephant.

So, you're up.

Brad Garrett book.

The foreward's by Doris Roberts,
God rest her soul.

And we're off. My turn.

What a stunning brooch. I love it.

Griffin. It's your turn.

All right, Peter. No matter
what the next item is,

you gotta get Lois's brooch back.
No matter what.

Oh, cool.
It's a Jeff Goldblum Cameo.

Yoink! I'll be taking that.

It's your friend, Goldblum, here.

The bloom on the rose, a kiss from a rose.

Seal from Batman, 1990s, yes, yes.

Here, wishing you a happy hump day.

Yes. Happy.

Happy?

Yes. Yes.

I'll be spending my hump day
having thinner legs than my wife.

He just kept going till his phone died.

Good morning, family.

Ho, ho, how's everybody doing?

Chris, have you lost weight?

I've put on five pounds since yesterday.

You wear it well.

Brian, loving the antlers
you put on your Prius.

Lot of personality.

And Meg, wow, you look...

like one of your three rashes
is clearing up nicely.

Stewie, this is so transparent.

Transparent or not, I'm going to get off

the old naughty list
one good deed at a time.

Just this morning,
I gave a huge tip at Starbucks.

Wow, a thousand dollars. Thanks.

So how's it going to change your life?

Oh, it's not. I'm the CEO of Starbucks
doing an Undercover Boss.

This is going straight to union busting.

Oh. Well, then, fine.

I'm going to start going to Coffee Bean.

- No, you're not.
- I'm not.

Get used to it, Bri.

The new nice Stewie is here to stay.

You hear that, Santa?

Oop! I'm late for my shift

volunteering at the animal shelter

for pets Ellen DeGeneres gave away.

Peter, I still haven't found

my special Christmas tree brooch.

Have you checked
the bottom of the ocean

like that old lady who threw it around
on the Titanic?

It's the brooch I've had since childhood.

Not ringing any bells.

And her name was Rose.

Oh, my God, that was Rose.

That was the same as the lady.

I got to rewatch that.

When I was little, I had a serious case
of pneumonia that almost killed me.

But on December 24th,
as I lay sick in bed,

my mother pinned a Christmas tree brooch
on my nightgown

and I felt my lungs strengthen
with each breath I took.

That brooch gave me life.

It's the most special possession I own,

and I wanted to wear it tonight

to your boss's holiday party.

Can't you just get a new one
at HomeGoods

or one or the other
Cheap Lady Chaos stores?

Hi. I'm looking for a chandelier

and some bean soup mix.

Every aisle. That's every aisle.

I'm so glad you're here,
because you want to be,

and not because I'm your boss.

Please, grab a drink
and enjoy yourselves.

Do you want to say hi
to any of your work friends?

I had the severance procedure done,

so I wouldn't recognize
any of these losers off the clock.

What? What is it?

Uh... I heard the CEO
of Bed Bath and Beyond

signed Preston's shower door.

Susan E. Gove?
Are you [bleep] me?

Mrs. Lloyd, you're looking lovely tonight.

What a beautiful brooch.

You think I could see it for a moment

and walk out of the room with it?

My Preston gave this to me
as an early Christmas present.

I do a really funny granny character.

Can I borrow your sweater for it?

No, thank you. I don't like comedy.

Griffin, I see you've met Widow Lloyd.

Oh, I'm so sorry your dad died.

He didn't. Her first name is Widow.

Mother, may I have this dance?

Damn it! How the hell am I
gonna get that thing back?

Don't worry.
You'll get it. You always do.

Aw. Thanks, moose.

Say, is that pill you found outside
doing anything yet?

Not yet, moose.

Not yet.

Hey, Stewie. You busy?

Well, it is our anniversary.

But of course,
I've always got time for a friend.

Thanks. I just smoked a joint,

and I'd like to run
a few philosophical notions by you.

Why,
nothing would make me happier.

Good, good.
Did you know stars are in the past?

We're starting with stars?

Look around,
the world's so damn Orwellian.

You're not going anywhere.

My point is,
I think sound could be faster than light.

Hello! Now turn on the light.

Oh, crap. My Postmate called me six times.
I gotta go.

Hi, is this Ilyam?
You know what? I'll come out.

What tan $6000 car are you driving?

Okay. If I follow him long enough,

there's bound to be an opportunity
to swipe Lois's brooch back.

Do you have eyes on the target? Over.

Whoever this is,
you've stolen my walkie talkie.

I'll never get past the guards.

God, the Fox News
must be so loud in there.

Transgender immigrants
are dropping sexy M&Ms

from Chinese balloons.

This is worth
being disowned by my family.

So in conclusion, Santa,

I think you can see
my remorse is genuine,

and I believe I'm ready
to re-enter society

and find my earned place
back on the nice list.

Sincerely, Stewie Griffin.
Dictated, not read.

Read that back to me.

Mom, I found something weird
in the driveway

next to one of Dad's giant diapers.

It would behoove you...

My vaporizer.
Meg, give that to me.

Get off me, Stewie!

Meg, that's not a toy.

Oh, no, Meg! No!

I hope Santa doesn't hear about this.

Excuse me, sir.

Busy, busy, busy.

I'll come back.

This is really great, man.

Just so stiff carrying
this full sack around.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Toys are getting heavy.

- What's your name again?
- Derek.

Okay. I just want to know
who not to ask for next time.

That's Meg, all right.

I can still smell
the bowling alley calzone.

Brian, if Santa discovers this,

there's no way I'll make the nice list.

Who cares about that? Meg's dead.

Yeah, yeah.

When do you think the cutoff is for
this year's list?

Like, he's got to be
on the road already, right?

- Stewie!
- I know this is bad.

I'll figure something out.

Okay, and I'll stand here to make sure

Lois doesn't vacuum up this pile of dust.

I think we're okay there, Bri.

Anybody got any Christmas Eve plans?

I'm gonna just hang around
bar parking lots,

looking for crying women
like most Christmas Eves.

As a mailman in the holiday season,

I have to uncomfortably linger for tips.

Bonnie's in Cabo with her hot nephew

I can't figure out how she's related to.

Bears no resemblance.

She won't tell me his last name,

and I don't think he owns a shirt.

What about you, Peter?

Got any fun Christmas Eve plans?

Well, actually, fellas,
I could really use your help.

I need to break into the room of a woman.

- Giggity.
- In a nursing home.

Potentially giggity.

To steal a piece of jewelry.

Not giggity, but by the rule
of three giggities, I'm in.

Oh, Meg, thank God Stewie figured out

how to put you back together.

Ta da! Pretty convincing, right?

Stewie, God, what are you doing?

I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

Passing myself off as my older sister,

since I've vaporized her
into a pile of dust.

Why are you wearing a dress?
Meg never wore a dress.

I haven't changed yet.

And it's a kaftan, you philistine.

You're just in time.
I'm auditioning new Megs.

These are all guys.

Yeah. So?

Oh, my stars.

Well, that's too bad.
Kevin Smith came close.

If we ever get Meg back,
she should wear hockey jerseys.

Okay. First, we gotta get past
the security guards.

I'll distract them with seduction.

Then we gotta get past
the front desk ladies,

I'll distract them with seduction.

Then we gotta get past the orderlies.

I'll also distract them with seduction.

I think you're overestimating
your seduction skills.

Jackie, this intoxicatingly
seductive gentleman

and his three friends are here to see you.

I stand corrected.

- May I help you?
- Yes.

- We're here to spray the urine aroma.
- Oh, okay.

You know, I thought
I was smelling other things than urine.

Sounds like we're here
just in the nick of time.

I assure you, when we're done,
it'll all be urine.

This really was not as hard
as you made it out to be.

Okay, let's just get out of here

and not put on her glaucoma sunglasses

to look like terminators.

The burning's gone.

Is this what eyes
are supposed to feel like?

Peter, take those off.

Oh, my God.

You got all black, tiny little
Barney Rubble eyes.

Peter, when's the last time
you got your eyes checked?

I thought if you shampoo them
every night,

you didn't have to get them checked.

Dear Santa, just to remind you,

I've been a perfect angel this year

and deserve lots and lots of presents.

No. You know what?
I've vaporized my sister.

I mean, her finger was on the trigger,

but let's not get in the weeds about it.

I know you'd expect the old me
to joke about

how gross and annoying she is.

And how this could be seen
as a good deed.

But the honest truth is,
I looked at her stocking,

the music swelled,
and now I miss her terribly.

As I look over my list
of presents I want,

I realize I don't need any of them.

I'd trade them all to have my sister back.

Santa, please.

My only wish is for Meg
to be returned safely.

I don't need anything else this year.

That's not naughty.
That's adorable.

Meg, you're back.

Yeah. I don't know
what happened last night,

but I had a pretty crazy dream.

And I woke up hogtied
under the Christmas tree.

Ugh! I should probably lay off the nogg
next year, huh?

You must have a lot of questions.

Meh. As long as I get
a bowling alley calzone,

I'm straight.

I don't believe it.

It's a Christmas miracle.

It's also the first night of Hanukkah.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Are her... Her legs on backwards?

Yeah. Close enough. Rush job.
Busy night for Santa.

Move! Move! Move!

Yay! A stick.

I think that's for Brian.

Oh.

Lois, I got you something special.

I know you've been missing this.

My Christmas brooch.

Where did you find this?

I could lie,
but I'm gonna tell you the truth.

- Under the couch pillow.
- Peter.

I gave it away
at a white elephant at work

and my boss gave it to his elderly mother,

and I snuck into a nursing home
with the guys

to steal it back.

So your Christmas gift to your wife

is something that she already owned.

I also got you a mouse pad that says

"World's Greatest Mom."

Peter, I have a laptop.

That's fine,
because I didn't really get it.

Oh, Peter.

The important thing is,

we've run out of time
for me to be annoyed.

Morning-breath kiss in front of the kids?

Merry Christmas.

And no one use
the credit card until June.

You know, Peter, it seems like

everyone got
what they wanted for Christmas

except for Mrs. Lloyd.

Merry Christmas, Peter's boss's mom.

Well, I gotta say, it feels pretty good

doing something nice
for a sweet old woman on Christmas.

It's like that thing about
when a bell rings

and an angel gets its wings.

What? What's that?

From It's a Wonderful Life.

Oh, yeah, no, I've never seen that.

You've never seen
It's a Wonderful Life?

It starts with a big, loud bell,

and I got scared and turned it off.

Peter, it's a classic.

It's about a mortgage lender...

Always a sympathetic character.

...who's an angry drunk

and winds up threatening to commit suicide

after he DUIs into a tree.

Actually, that sounds hilarious.

Let's watch it tonight.

Oh, it's a date, Mr. Griffin.