All language subtitles for family-guy-22x8en

♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ♪

♪ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry ♪

♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪

Hey, meg, what's up?

A cool kid said, "what's up?"

It was just a dream.

goldy, no!

Fifth one this week.

My god! Mr. Clompers.

Stay with me, mr. Clompers.

Stay with me,
you son of a bitch.

There's only one way
to turn this day around.

Crouch behind a dumpster
in the back of quiznos

And wait for the half-eaten subs
to be thrown out.

Yep, looks like things are
finally starting to turn around

For the meg-a-rino.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm not a dumpster.
Put me down.

Aah!

- Man, this job sucks.
- I don't know.

Ladies running with trash bags
and no bras on

Is pretty cool sometimes.

wait.

Right on cue.

And now the mind creates
scenarios and so forth.

Hey, what are you doing home
from work?

Some sicko called in
a bomb scare.

Then they confiscated
everyone's phones

And I was told to
take the day off.

Peter, did you call in
the bomb scare?

God, you sound just like them.

For the last time, maybe.

Well, since you're home,
you can watch

My daytime shows with me.

hello.

There's a bomb in the tv.

Leave the remote
and exit the room.

Nice try, but we're watching
the view.

Welcome to the view.

Today we're talking
about mansplaining.

Meghan mccain, you go first.

I thought meghan mccain quit.

Yes, she did.
They replaced her

With a dozen feral cats
in a quinceañera dress,

And no one can tell
the difference.

The cats have
an important dead dad,

So we got to hear 'em out.

it's the kelly clarkson show.

She's got a show now?

Yes, and she's actually
very funny,

If you're a woman who claps
when the plane lands.

Give me that thing. Aren't there
any daytime tv shows

Hosted by men?

Peter, are you kidding me?

Conversations between men
are boring.

I've heard what you
and the guys talk about.

Me and the guys would be great

At hosting one of these shows.

We talk about interesting stuff
all the time.

Just this past weekend,
we were talking about

How a lot of people don't know
which one is chip

And which one is dale.

Well, it's actually very simple.

Chip's nose is black,
and dale's nose is red.

And if you need help
remembering,

You say "chocolate chip."

The chipmunks were easier
because they had

Big letters on their shirts.

- But that's Tuesday's show.
- Please.

All men run out of things
to say to each other

- After 20 minutes.
- Yeah?

Well, if guys are so bad
at talking,

How come regis philbin
is still yapping?

so joy hands me a box,
and I open it,

And it's the same darn sweater
from last christmas!

Can you believe that? Coming up,

Angel's david boreanaz.

Look at kathie lee.
She's fanning herself.

Whoa, meg, what happened to you?

Yo, I straight-up thought
that was post malone

For a hot second.

I just had the worst day
of my life.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm
gonna bake cookies from scratch

And eat them until I puke.

Meg, I think what you're
going through are

Typical teenage emotions.

Trust me, everything will change
when you go to college.

Speaking of,
guess who got a letter

From the university
of rhode island today.

Wait, what?

And it came in a big envelope.

You know what that means.

Finally some good news.

"from the office of admissions

At the university
of rhode island."

So official.

"hey, sorry, we ran out of
small envelopes.

You didn't get in."

Meg, I'm so sorry.

I just have to accept it,
I'll never be happy.

A talk show for men?
That's a great idea.

Yeah. Imagine getting paid
to talk about stuff

We already talk about
around this table.

Hey, that could be the title.
Bar table talk.

Guys, check it out.

Tom tucker's wasted
at the bar again.

Put on channel six.

I-I want to see what doppler
those dinks are working with.

A 3000?! Ha!

What, are they telling us
the weather in 2004?

Hey, fellas, I'll be right back.

Boy, it's fun to fantasize
about having a talk show.

But, sadly, that's all
it's gonna be,

'cause ain't nobody
putting four guys

- With zero experience on tv.
- Yeah, you're right.

Start thinking of warm
to hot topics, fellas.

What are you talking about?

I just spoke to tom tucker.

A few months ago
I did him a big favor,

And he said if there's anything
he could ever do for me,

Just ask, so I just asked.

And he said yes.

Gentlemen, say hello
to the hosts of your new

Channel five daytime talk show.

My god, that's amazing.

This is awesome. Wait, joe,

What was the favor
you did for tom tucker?

I mustache-sat for him
over the holidays.

We said rise of gru
and then bed.

That was the deal we made.

I'm sorry you're having
a hard time.

I'm having a hard time, too.

Hey, what the heck
are you guys doing?

Those are my cookies.

Meg, these are literally
the best cookies

I've ever had in my life.

Yeah, they're incredible.

Did you switch up the recipe?

No, I don't think so.

So good, meg. I'd have another,

But I got to see dean later.
Dean's my trainer.

Guy kicks my freakin' ass.

You must have done
something different.

These are fantastic.

I think my tears
falling into the batter

Must have made these cookies
taste different.

Not different, delicious.

Last week, dean was saying I'm
the most ripped guy he trains.

Off the record, of course.

Meg, I think this could be
the start of a business.

People would pay a premium
for cookies this good.

Really?

A business is a lot of work.

Unless maybe...
You guys want to help out?

- I'd be happy to.
- I'll do it.

So Monday, Wednesday and fridays
are dean days.

Other than that, I'm down.
I'm in ketosis, by the way.

This is exciting, you guys.

We just have to find a way
to get the word out

About these cookies.

I don't think we'll have
to worry about that.

I just got an email back
from the one show

That'll put our product in front
of the entire country.

Long hallway shark tank.

♪ ♪

first up, meg griffin and family

With a new twist
on a popular snack.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hello, sharks. I'm here to-

We have so many
new cookie orders.

Which means we've got
a lot of baking to do.

Let's get going.

Sorry, if I'm in a busy kitchen,

I'm gonna have to scream
at someone gordon ramsay style.

A raw egg?
You're gonna kill someone!

20 years of being
in the business,

And you're the biggest buffoon
I've ever met.

Now let's step outside,
where I'll speak to you

In an entirely different tone.

What's going on with you?
Tell me.

I don't, I don't know.

You're overwhelmed
trying to live up

To your father's expectations,
aren't you?

Yeah, I guess.

Listen, your father nikos
was a proud greek man

Who came to this country
with nothing but

A baklava and a dream.

But he's gone now,
and you have to accept that.

Now, those people in there
need a leader, not a friend.

Understood?

Yes. Thank you, chef ramsay.

I have tremendous respect
for you

And what you do
for people's businesses.

Good. Now, just don't yelp

Any places from the show

Or eat at any of my restaurants
in las vegas.

From peter.

"turn on channel five
right now."

welcome to the first episode
of bar table talk.

Finally, a show for men
by men. Football.

you've got to be kidding me.

Now check out
our theme song called

"guys just want to have fun,"

Which is just each of us
yelling "guys"

Over the parts
where they sing "girls"

In "girls just want
to have fun."

♪ when the working day is done ♪

- ♪ ♪
- guys.

♪ they want to have fun ♪

- ♪ ♪
- guys.

- ♪ just want to have... ♪
- guys.

♪ they want, want to have fun ♪

- ♪ girls... ♪
- guys!

damn it, joe.

this is why I wanted to use

"the boys are back in town."

But no!

Welcome back. Now it's time for

The clenched-buttocks
urinal-fart of the day,

Sent in by gene kozlowski
at imperial tool and dye

In kenosha, wisconsin.

Let her rip, gene.

You just know
that one had the power

Of a state fair sausage
behind it.

Impressive stuff.

Coming up, all the people
from your wife's work

She claims are horrible
who, surprise, aren't.

Disgusting.

I can't believe
that's my husband.

Although I shouldn't be
surprised

After what happened
on our wedding night.

peter, are you ready?

Sorry, I already masturbated.

There was a seashell
on top of the toilet

That looked like a boob.

Okay, lunch is over.

We got more cookie orders
to take care of.

All right, let's get
our sister crying.

♪ I was all right ♪

♪ for a while ♪

♪ I could smile for a while ♪

♪ but I saw you last night ♪

♪ you held my hand so tight ♪

♪ as you stopped to say hello ♪

♪ you wished me well ♪

♪ you couldn't tell ♪

♪ that I'd been crying ♪

♪ over you ♪

♪ crying over you ♪

♪ when you said "so long." ♪

and that's why the eagles are

The best yard work band
of all time.

I'm sorry, are we in a world

Where the steve miller band
was never born?

This show gets dumber
by the second.

just come in!

Who even cares anymore?
Hi, daddy.

What are you doing here?

I stopped by to...
No way. I love this show.

Is meg around?

- She's in the kitchen.
- Excellent.

Well, aren't you gonna ask
how I'm doing?

Lois, I can see
one, two, three ant traps.

I know how you're doing.
Four.

Hey, carter.

What are you doing here,
grandpa?

Word has gotten around
about your cookies,

And I have a business
opportunity for you.

I'm throwing a party
for my billionaire friends

On Friday, and I'd like you
to cater it.

My god! We'd love to.

Meg, maybe let a graduate

Of the howard schultz
masterclass handle this.

I'm prepared to offer you
10,000-

- We'll do it.
- Pennies.

10,000 pennies, or $100.

Dude, you blew it.

Just kidding, I'm super rich.
I'll pay you 50 grand.

Holy crap, $50,000!

I'll need 500 bags of cookies.
All right, see you Friday.

I really don't want to have
to talk to your mother again.

Guess I'll just airpods it out.

bye, daddy.

I said bye, daddy.

You guys, I just want
to thank you

For helping make my cookies
such a success.

It really means a lot to me.

And for the first time
in my life,

I'm finally feeling
proud of myself

And hopeful about my future.

I think... I think
I'm actually happy.

That's great to hear, meg.

We're proud of you, too.

Now we got cookies to make.
Give us those tears.

I know.
Meg, when you were a baby,

You were left at a fire station.

And those firemen left you
at another fire station.

The only reason you had a date
for homecoming

Was because the guy got
community service hours for it.

No. I can't cry.

A-and when I hear about
my crappy old life,

I just feel proud and happy
about where I am now.

No tears means
no cookies.

Which also means
no cookie business.

Hi, I'm jamie lee curtis,
and I heard someone here

Was having a problem
with feminine dryness.

I-I think I'm all set.

Have you tried
sliquid feminine wash,

The natural solution
to feminine dryness?

No, no.

I-I-I think we have
different problems, dawg.

Well, I'd hear her out.

Sliquid's the one feminine wash
that goes on dry

And doesn't drip.

Chris, are you selling
intimacy products

With jamie lee curtis?

Well, stewie, I'd say
sliquid sells itself.

It goes on dry?

Meg, I don't want to alarm you,

But if you can't cry,
we won't get the $50,000

From carter for catering
his party.

I know, I'm sorry.

It's just that, since the cookie
business became successful,

I'm not sad anymore.

Well, there goes my dream
of becoming

The next otis spunkmeyer.

Your dream is to be
otis spunkmeyer?

I love a company that works
a dirty word for a bodily fluid

Into their name.

Chris, that is absolutely
disgusting.

Hey, the way I see it,
in this life,

Ya gotta laugh.

God, he said "ya gotta laugh"
so many times,

It started to feel
like a threat.

Why did we come to this again?

Remember that kid I hit
with my mail truck?

- That was the kid?
- That was the kid.

Ladies, I'm at the end
of my rope with this damn show.

Peter's become impossible
to live with.

Yeah, cleveland thinks
he's fancy, too.

You know, he's demanding
pert plus now

Instead of regular old pert.

Joe's also gotten
a big head lately.

When he eats graham crackers
now, he totally ignores

The suggested perforations.

He's like a mad king.

We've got to shut
this show down.

I don't know.

Lois, have you heard
what peter said

On yesterday's show?

and so I say, men,

We deserve a second drawer.

It should be four to two,
not five to one.

Ladies, it's time to put an end
to their little show.

Now, remember, when they
start talking about

How awful women are,
we storm the stage,

Call them out on it.

And then we'll go viral
and the show will be canceled.

Welcome to bar table talk.

Fellas, what's on your mind
today?

Is it me, or does it seem
like no one knows how

To coil a garden hose anymore?

Remember sports guys you liked?

- Yeah.
- Totally. - I like those guys.

You know what,
let's take a break.

We'll be right back.

- My god, it's happening.
- What's happening?

What are we doing?

I started this 'cause there were
no daytime talk shows with men,

And lois said that's because men
eventually run out of things

To say to each other.

Well, looks like she was right.

I don't want to be right.

Lois? What are you all
doing here?

We came down
to get this show canceled.

Between the embarrassing content

And you becoming so full
of yourself at home,

Well, I thought it was
the only option.

But when I heard you admit
you were wrong,

I remembered why I married you
in the first place.

Because I proposed in an
offensive chinese accent,

And you just wanted to
get out of the restaurant?

No, peter, because beneath
all your craziness,

I know there's just a sweet,
confused child.

- Can I get a lizard?
- No, peter.

But you said!

Fine, you can get a lizard.

I love you, mom lois.

I love you, too, peter.

Can you watch my lizard?
I'm bored of it.

You really think
seeing a therapist

Is the best way
to get me to cry?

Absolutely. And this guy is
the best in town.

See you next week, john.

Looking forward to it.

Man, there's nothing to do
for that guy,

But he's got insurance.

Okay, who's meg griffin?

So, I'm dr. Matthews,
but you can call me brad.

My delta chi brothers
used to call me crusher,

So that's fair game, too.

This guy rocks.

Before we start,
it's important to know

I only accept crypto.

So bitcoin, dogecoin
or ethereum.

Actually, wait.
Not ethereum.

Wait, wait, no.
I-I don't, I don't anymore.

Wait, yes, yes, I do,
but you have to send it,

Like, right now.

- Did you send it?
- I did.

No! Why did you do that?!

Ooh, "forget real estate.
Invest in money

You can't even see," they said.

Okay, I guess let's talk
about you.

Well, earlier this week, I cried
into some cookie dough,

And my tears actually made
the cookies taste incredible.

So we started a successful
cookie business using my tears.

But now I'm too happy
to cry anymore.

But no tears means no money.

Meg, have you considered
the reason you're happy

Isn't because of the business?

That maybe it's because
you finally got to spend

Quality time bonding with
the family members you love?

Snap. My man crusher
dropping knowledge bombs.

Guys, is the money really worth
the sister you love

Feeling badly about herself?

- No.
- It's not.

The new thom browne line
is out next week,

So maybe?

I can't believe
you'd choose my happiness

Over all that money, you guys.

That really means a lot.

We just want you
to be happy, meg.

Chris is right. We love you.

I love you guys.

Hey, where's that diploma from?

That's not a diploma.

That's a certificate for
finishing the big bertha

At leo's bar and grill
in cincinnati.

Got a t-shirt, too,
but it's at the dry cleaners.

Dry cleaning a t-shirt

Bragging about a regional
food challenge?

That's the dream.

Honey, it's me. They fell
for the whole crusher routine.

And their little
cookie business?

Let's just say I...
Took care of it.

What happened last night?

Nothing. Just...
Just hit a home run

In my softball game.

No, I mean,
I mean the building.

Huge gas leak.

Won the game.
Everybody's dead.

Sorry I got carried away with
my daytime talk show, lois.

Peter, I'm just glad
you're home

And still wearing television
makeup for some reason.

I don't know what you're
talking about.

Hey, sorry your cookie business
didn't work out, meg.

Yeah, I guess it would have
been pretty sweet

To have a successful
cookie business, but it's fine.

You know, meg, the way I see it,

Life's too darn short.

Boy, that was brutal.

Yeah, what a big waste of time.

I know, it's like life really is
too darn short.

Maybe it was good.

Screw it, I'm getting a shirt.