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1
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♪ it seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,547 --> 00:00:07,589
♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪
3
00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:11,301
♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,303 --> 00:00:14,263
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:17,725
♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:21,311
♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:22,813
♪ all the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,857 --> 00:00:24,106
♪ laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:29,361
♪ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy. ♪
10
00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:38,954
Hey, meg, what's with
the cupcakes?
11
00:00:38,998 --> 00:00:40,205
I'm celebrating.
12
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:41,874
Oh, last night I had my period
13
00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:44,001
Or miscarriage. Not sure which.
14
00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:46,462
Either way, happy un-birthday.
15
00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:53,177
Where's my phone?
I got to text patty
16
00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:55,012
And let her know
she can have half of these
17
00:00:55,014 --> 00:00:56,513
For her cat's funeral.
18
00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:00,017
Coltrane's wake is gonna be lit.
19
00:01:00,061 --> 00:01:03,103
Pics to follow.
20
00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:06,523
What the hell? What happened?
21
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,733
[phone chimes]
22
00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:13,072
Hey, meg, no turkey dinner is complete
23
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:16,075
Without a little under-nut squash.
24
00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:18,786
[cackles]
25
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:20,996
What a jerk.
26
00:01:25,211 --> 00:01:27,878
Oh, well. Time to go transport
a texas resident
27
00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:29,713
To her reproductive
health appointment.
28
00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:38,931
Okay, brian,
let's play another round
29
00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:41,100
Of my favorite game:
Read lois' mail
30
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,185
And laugh at her sad life.
31
00:01:43,229 --> 00:01:45,270
Uhp, fall lane bryant catalog.
32
00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,314
Looks like we'll be getting
some cranberry pants
33
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:48,690
In the mail.
34
00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:50,192
"fertility bank of new England."
35
00:01:50,236 --> 00:01:51,985
Oh, this one I've got to see.
36
00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,571
"dear lois pewterschmidt,
thank you again
37
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:58,367
"for your compensated donation
of ten eggs in 1997.
38
00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:01,453
"this letter is to inform you
that the nine remaining eggs
39
00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:03,789
Have been destroyed
for lack of interest."
40
00:02:03,833 --> 00:02:04,998
What? Let me see that.
41
00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:06,458
Oh, this is so perfect.
42
00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:09,253
The old slag literally
sold her body for money.
43
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:10,963
All right, let's not judge her.
44
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,589
She was trying to earn
a little extra money in college
45
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,424
And I wonder what
human eggs taste like.
46
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,552
Wait a second.
47
00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:18,262
The nine remaining eggs?
48
00:02:18,264 --> 00:02:20,347
Lois donated ten eggs.
49
00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,057
If there were nine remaining,
that means
50
00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:23,725
One of them was used?
51
00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:26,061
Hate how much I want to try
human eggs right now.
52
00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:28,856
Brian, listen:
I have a lost half-sibling.
53
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:31,191
He or she is just
out there someplace.
54
00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:33,402
Why, I haven't been this shocked
since chris showed me
55
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:34,486
His jack-in-the-box.
56
00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:37,489
Chris, what did you do
to this box?
57
00:02:37,533 --> 00:02:40,534
It's not called
a "jack elsewhere."
58
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,415
Oh, it's master.
Here, master.
59
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:49,209
Master may change the tv
to a channel that pleases her.
60
00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:51,003
Uh, what's going on?
61
00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:53,005
Master's latest
social media post
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00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:54,590
Has become popular
on the internet,
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00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,717
So now master rules the family.
64
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:57,718
What are you talking about?
65
00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,386
[phone chimes]
66
00:02:59,430 --> 00:03:00,429
Oh, my god!
67
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:05,350
This cupcake video
got 20,000 likes.
68
00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:08,520
Only likes matter.
Likes rule all.
69
00:03:08,564 --> 00:03:11,231
Wow, look at all these comments.
People are saying
70
00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:14,318
I should get chris a
fansonly page. What's fansonly?
71
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:17,863
It's a fetish website
where amateurs post racy videos
72
00:03:17,907 --> 00:03:19,740
That subscribers pay to see.
73
00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:22,284
Wait, people would pay money
74
00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:24,745
To watch a husky teen
sit on food?
75
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:27,414
Oh, yeah. Very much so.
76
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:34,630
Um, would you be interested?
77
00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:35,631
I could set everything up
78
00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:37,007
And handle
the administrative side.
79
00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:40,219
You could just sit on stuff.
We'd split the profits.
80
00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,887
You think
you're the first person
81
00:03:41,931 --> 00:03:43,889
To pitch me
a crush fetish website?
82
00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:46,391
Go get a business plan,
some seed capital
83
00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:48,185
And an s-corp registered
in the state of delaware
84
00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:50,938
And then maybe we'll talk.
85
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:54,024
♪ not everything has to be ♪
86
00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:56,276
♪ a montage ♪
87
00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:59,655
♪ meg filling out a bunch of forms ♪
88
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:02,658
♪ is not very interesting ♪
89
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,576
♪ but the guy who drew this ♪
90
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,787
♪ worked very hard ♪
91
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,247
♪ so we don't have the heart ♪
92
00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:09,915
♪ to cut it now ♪
93
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,292
♪ especially since that guy ♪
94
00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:15,128
♪ recently lost custody ♪
95
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:18,924
♪ of his children. ♪
96
00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:21,260
-I'm in.
-[gasps]
97
00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:27,391
Rupert, I can't stop
thinking about the fact
98
00:04:27,393 --> 00:04:29,434
That I've got a sibling
out there someplace.
99
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:31,395
So, today I will
hack into the world's
100
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,397
Most sophisticated
surveillance networks,
101
00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:35,482
Scan for pewterschmidt
dna markers
102
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,818
From lois' donated egg,
locate my comrade,
103
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,696
-And together,
we shall be unstopa--
-[facetime ringing]
104
00:04:41,824 --> 00:04:45,075
Stewie! Tell mommy that daddy fell!
105
00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:47,327
[audio cutting out]
106
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,706
Aha. We have a match.
107
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:53,917
In cambridge, massachusetts.
108
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:56,295
Of course.
Someone sharing my dna
109
00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:59,381
May well be a scholar
at harvard or mit.
110
00:04:59,425 --> 00:05:00,674
Or tufts.
111
00:05:00,718 --> 00:05:04,845
Oh, come on, the sat
is not biased against bears.
112
00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,847
Jewish bears?
You're jewish?
113
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:08,432
No, it's fine, it's just...
114
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It's just the kind of thing
you tell someone.
115
00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:12,561
♪
116
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,487
Supposedly,
one of these eggheads
117
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:25,407
Is my brother or sister, rupert.
But which one?
118
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:27,326
And how will we
find each other?
119
00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:29,619
Perhaps we share mannerisms.
120
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,164
Hey, "damn you all." yeah?
121
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:35,000
"curse you, vile woman."
am I right?
122
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,961
"victory shall be mine"?
You know? Anything?
123
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,629
That was big in the '90s.
124
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,381
[sighs]
I don't understand.
125
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:44,343
My genius harvard sibling
should be right here.
126
00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:46,511
[laughing]
127
00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:48,930
[boston accent] eat my wizz,
you harvard fruit bags.
128
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,432
[zips]
129
00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:54,686
Oh, my god, that must be him.
130
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:55,854
And, hey, don't do that.
131
00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:57,356
Harvard is a respected
institution
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00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,524
That only produces
our nation's finest.
133
00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:03,236
♪ the boys are back in town, the boys are back in town ♪
134
00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:09,076
♪ I said the boys are back in town. ♪
135
00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:10,535
Our apologies to the unabomber.
136
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:12,079
It was a cheap shot
to include him.
137
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,754
[boston accent] so you and me
got some of the same dna
138
00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:22,297
On account of your mom
sold off
139
00:06:22,341 --> 00:06:23,340
Her inside parts?
140
00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:25,926
-Dude, that's bizarre.
-Mm, quite.
141
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,636
Yeah, my mom didn't like
how I came out,
142
00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:28,887
So she left me
in an orphanage,
143
00:06:28,931 --> 00:06:30,680
But nobody was adopting me,
so screw that.
144
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,516
Got out of there,
moved under the fenway stands.
145
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,684
I survive on racist
bleacher farts.
146
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,186
That's great.
Now, I don't suppose you have
147
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:38,105
A hidden cache
of advanced weaponry
148
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,731
And plans for global conquest?
149
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,024
Nah, but you know
what I do got?
150
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,485
A list of five movies
that I cry at the end of.
151
00:06:43,529 --> 00:06:44,986
Number one, braveheart.
152
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,114
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, that one gets me.
153
00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:48,323
That gets me.
154
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,075
Uh, number two, scarface, I cry.
155
00:06:50,119 --> 00:06:52,285
Guy builds up the whole empire
and just dies, right?
156
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,204
Uh, number three, dodgeball.
157
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:56,081
Everybody looks past those guys.
Nobody believed in 'em.
158
00:06:56,125 --> 00:06:57,374
Couldn't catch for nothing.
159
00:06:57,501 --> 00:07:00,127
I tell you, justin long--
he couldn't catch a cold
160
00:07:00,129 --> 00:07:02,504
And still they win the thing,
you know? Here I go.
161
00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:11,138
Camera's rolling.
You can go when you're ready.
162
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:13,557
Welcome, fansonly subscribers.
163
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,810
My dad fell in the shower,
so we kinda need the money.
164
00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:17,936
[grunts]
165
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:19,938
Ah. Thank you.
166
00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:21,982
Wow. That was great.
167
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,317
-How was that for you?
-It was amazing.
168
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:27,362
We just created art
in front of our fans.
169
00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:29,739
I wonder if this is how
french pointillist painter
170
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,533
Georges seurat felt.
171
00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:34,369
[all] oh...
172
00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:36,413
Yeah!
173
00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:39,583
Oh...
174
00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:40,917
Yeah!
175
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,586
No way. Orange.
176
00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:43,837
Orange, you guys.
177
00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:46,465
Oh...
178
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:48,508
Yeah!
179
00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:49,885
Seurat! Seurat! Seurat!
180
00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:52,053
What did I miss?
Were the dots tiny?
181
00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:54,264
Oh, my god, so tiny.
182
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,727
All right, here's my house.
See?
183
00:07:58,770 --> 00:07:59,936
Anyway, it's been nice
to meet you,
184
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,104
But I'm very busy today.
185
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,772
No way. How come your house
ain't attached
186
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,357
To two other houses
on either side?
187
00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:05,817
There can be just one house?
188
00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:06,943
Um, I guess.
189
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,236
And where's your american flag
190
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,696
But with blue stripes for cops?
191
00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:10,822
I don't know, man, but listen,
192
00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:12,365
You can stay for just
a few minutes.
193
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:13,992
No way, you got crazy straws?
194
00:08:14,036 --> 00:08:15,452
No, no, no,
those are the fat man's.
195
00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:18,246
He likes to pretend his juice
is on a roller coaster.
196
00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:20,040
I don't care, I'm using one.
197
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:21,958
All right, capri suns,
198
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,669
Who's ready to ride
thunder mountain?
199
00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:27,506
Stewie, what the hell
are you doing?
200
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:29,925
You know the crazy straws
are only for daddy.
201
00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,968
-Up yours, old man.
-That's it.
202
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,720
I'd give you the belt,
but I wore
203
00:08:33,764 --> 00:08:35,347
A 1990s braided belt today,
204
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,933
And I like how it makes me
look like blossom's dad.
205
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,351
Yeah?
How about I give you the belt?
206
00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:41,394
-Aah! Stop it!
You're hurting me.
-Yeah, take that.
207
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,438
I'll drink out of any straw
I want, you piece of crap.
208
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,148
-You hear me?
-I need that belt.
209
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,526
I'm taking my linkedin photo
later.
210
00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,569
[whimpering]
211
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:52,697
Hmm. Turns out this thug
212
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,282
May actually be useful to me.
213
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:55,534
Well, isn't that a surprise?
214
00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:58,286
Like the japanese attack
on david harbour.
215
00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,248
Hi, kenji mifune, tokyo daily.
216
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:04,584
Why do you always look like
you just woke up in a dumpster?
217
00:09:08,966 --> 00:09:10,840
All right, rupert,
time to make use
218
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,842
Of that crude boston
body double.
219
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:13,927
Here we go.
220
00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:15,595
Lois, I'd like to request
221
00:09:15,639 --> 00:09:16,930
A later bedtime, please.
222
00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:18,557
I'm a big boy now, and I think
223
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:19,933
I can make it to 6:45.
224
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,810
Go away, stewie,
mommy's looking at
225
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,687
Real estate listings
and dreaming of
226
00:09:23,689 --> 00:09:25,105
Any life other than this.
227
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:28,358
I see. All right, then.
228
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:35,574
-[furniture crashing,
glass breaking]
-[lois crying out]
229
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:39,703
Your new bedtime
is whenever you [bleep] want.
230
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:43,331
Splendid! I also have
a school-related task for you.
231
00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:48,712
Um, class, I-I know
teacher jeremy said
232
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,923
Everyone would get a turn
as classroom star of the week,
233
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,634
But new plan.
Uh, stewie will now be
234
00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:56,219
Star of the week every week.
235
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:59,306
Also, instead of circle time,
we're just gonna watch tv dramas
236
00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:01,057
Where dennis leary
plays a fireman.
237
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,518
That's a pretty smart cookie,
that teacher jeremy.
238
00:10:03,562 --> 00:10:06,146
But right now we're gonna
do show and tell.
239
00:10:06,189 --> 00:10:07,314
Who wants to go fir--
240
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:09,274
Stewie. Uh, let's do stewie.
241
00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:11,568
Oh, god, I don't got
nothing prepared.
242
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,278
Let me see what I got
in my pockets here.
243
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,323
Um, here's a cumberland farms
reward card.
244
00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:18,199
Shotgun shell
full of shark teeth.
245
00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:20,285
Donnie wahlberg's
actual cigar cutter,
246
00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:22,746
Key card for my ex-girlfriend's
parking garage.
247
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,080
Zippo lighter I got in cancun.
248
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:25,206
I friggin' love cancun.
249
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,583
I don't know why
you'd go anywhere else.
250
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:29,961
Uh, flat, dry condom
in case charlene's ovulating.
251
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,546
Uh, clipping
of a newspaper story
252
00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:33,381
Where I'm quoted
about a house fire.
253
00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:35,333
And a bloody shoe
from the marathon bombing
254
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:37,052
I keep in a caldor's bag
in my closet.
255
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,595
Any questions?
256
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,860
That's smushboy15.
He's gross.
257
00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:56,196
He'll sit on anything.
He's a sit slut.
258
00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:57,989
He's also really good
at hearing the whispers
259
00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,574
Of nearby diners.
260
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,986
Excuse me, smushboy.
261
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,955
I-I'm wondering
if you could come over
262
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,499
And sit on my wife's avocado?
263
00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,876
Come on, man,
I'm out with my family.
264
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,252
You hollywood celebrities!
265
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:14,631
Sheesh!
Don't meet your heroes, huh?
266
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,348
[inhales, exhales deeply]
267
00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:27,185
Okay, everyone, this is another
smushboy livestream.
268
00:11:27,229 --> 00:11:29,646
Let's try to play nice
this time, okay?
269
00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:31,856
[man] hey, uh, squash that brownie with your knee.
270
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:33,525
I don't do knee stuff.
271
00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:36,236
I told you guys that
from the beginning. Geez.
272
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:37,696
What the hell, chris?
273
00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,823
You've had a crummy attitude
from the moment
274
00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,074
You walked in here this morning.
275
00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:43,076
Well, duh.
The moment I walk in
276
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:45,412
You start running
new pie designs at me.
277
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:47,163
What do we do with
pie designs, meg?
278
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,207
Huh? What do we do?
279
00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,584
-Email them to tristan.
-Email them to tristan.
280
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:54,129
Look, I don't like
being a broken record here,
281
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:56,047
But why do we have
those Monday meetings
282
00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:58,591
If nobody's gonna
follow the process?
283
00:11:58,593 --> 00:12:02,637
Anyone? Briana? Heath? Hello?
284
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,097
You know what, guys,
if you can't start
285
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:07,183
Sorting these things out,
I don't see how we can even
286
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,018
Do summer fridays anymore.
287
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,604
Oh, now you're
paying attention.
288
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:14,107
Chris, you can't
talk to people like that.
289
00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:15,775
Oh, fine.
Then maybe I'll talk like this.
290
00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:18,278
Everyone, I quit!
291
00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:20,155
Come along, multiple exotic pets
292
00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:22,532
Symbolizing
my spiritual corruption.
293
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,877
Good night, stewie,
at 11:45 p.M.,
294
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,546
Which is a bedtime
that works for you.
295
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:39,716
I love you, sweetie. Mwah.
296
00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,888
Hey, that was kind of nice
what just happened right there.
297
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:47,265
-What do you mean?
-Well, you got a kiss
from your mom,
298
00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:48,808
And not just 'cause
you blew into that tube
299
00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:50,101
That lets her start the car.
300
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:51,728
You know, I always
wanted to get adopted
301
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:52,937
And have parents of my own.
302
00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:54,898
Heck, my old orphanage
even has its annual
303
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,274
Adoption fair next week, but
304
00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:57,859
Forget it, nobody wants to adopt
305
00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:59,110
A messed-up kid like me.
306
00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:00,570
Hey, hey, hey.
307
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:03,406
Can we not do shoes
on my white area rug?
308
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:08,077
And also, hey, hey, hey.
You want to get adopted?
309
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,163
I will help you get adopted.
310
00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:11,831
-What?
-Starting tomorrow,
311
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,876
I will teach you how to be
a normal, adoptable child.
312
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,753
Aw, dude, that's awesome.
313
00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:17,796
All right, good night, kiddo.
314
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,163
I'm gonna go hide out
in the dry tub
315
00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:20,465
And watch your sister
take a wizz.
316
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:29,140
Dad, thanks again
for filling in
317
00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,351
After chris got
all big-headed and quit.
318
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,686
I'm excited to start shooting
these videos with you.
319
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,230
Yeah, um, about the videos--
320
00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:36,981
I couldn't help but notice
321
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,567
You've got me squatting
on generic jell-o,
322
00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,819
Not the name brand.
323
00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:42,153
Does it make a difference?
324
00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,697
[laughs]
doe-does it make a difference?
325
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,324
You're-you're adorable.
326
00:13:46,368 --> 00:13:49,118
And why am I snorting
regular cocaine
327
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,913
When I specifically requested
bacon-wrapped cocaine?
328
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:54,123
There's no such thing
as bacon-wrapped cocaine.
329
00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,501
Yeah, tell that
to chris farley's autopsy photo.
330
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:58,711
Also, your nose
is bleeding heavily.
331
00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:02,298
Yeah, that's allergies. I'm
allergic to bacon and cocaine.
332
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,968
I tell you, this is the most
unprofessional film set
333
00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:07,720
Since they cast
timothée chalamet in dune.
334
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:10,640
My father came, not for spice,
335
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:12,725
Not for riches--
336
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,686
-Whoa-- wh-whoa!
-Cut.
337
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,437
-Wind guy.
-I told you guys
338
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,565
He shouldn't
be in windy movies.
339
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,567
Freakin' told you guys.
340
00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:25,238
All right,
we've got just one week
341
00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:28,491
To turn you into a normal,
regular kid who can be adopted.
342
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:31,119
Parents love reading a-b-c books
with their little ones,
343
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:33,162
So let's practice that,
shall we?
344
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:36,583
A, asswipe.
345
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,960
Okay, close, close.
How about this one?
346
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:40,753
B, bastard.
347
00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:42,213
We are oh-for-two.
348
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:43,506
Yeah, I'm gonna skip c.
349
00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:45,383
Feel like I know what
you're gonna say for that.
350
00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:48,845
D, f. And I know
you're gonna go for that f.
351
00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,054
Not the usual f.
352
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:52,181
Yeah, I'm not sure
this is gonna work.
353
00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:57,395
You're, like,
two hours late, dad.
354
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,188
I'm sorry meg,
but as an artist,
355
00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,940
I simply cannot create
356
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,191
Until you are finished
dry cleaning
357
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:05,069
-All of my Halloween costumes.
-I tried,
358
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:06,821
But they couldn't
get the stain out of your
359
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:08,239
Emperor palpatine robe.
360
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:11,618
Take it someplace else.
Take it everyplace else.
361
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:12,869
Ugh.
362
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,871
♪
363
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:18,041
♪ we keep doing montages ♪
364
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:21,711
♪ about the wrong things ♪
365
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:24,464
♪ here's another one we should have cut ♪
366
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:27,467
♪ but the guy who draws these up ♪
367
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:31,387
♪ and lost custody of his kids ♪
368
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,890
♪ he got a dui ♪
369
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:37,518
♪ since the last montage. ♪
370
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:41,356
[chris sighs]
371
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:47,153
Chris, what are you doing?
[sniffs]
372
00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:49,155
Why does it smell
so bad in here?
373
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:52,116
Uh, well, my exotic pets
374
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,910
Somehow all killed each other.
375
00:15:55,205 --> 00:15:59,082
Still not quite sure
what the sequence was there.
376
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,793
Anyway, meg, I just want to say
I'm really happy
377
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:05,421
For you and dad that you're
doing that website together.
378
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,465
Uh, thanks, chris.
379
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,092
No, thank you.
380
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,844
I just wish I didn't
screw everything up, you know?
381
00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:13,680
Treated you like a carrot muffin
382
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:15,306
I butt-smothered for money.
383
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:17,976
But you're not a carrot muffin,
you're my sister.
384
00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:19,268
And I forgot that.
385
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:22,105
It's okay, chris,
I forgive you.
386
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,774
Hey, call out
any boston market sides.
387
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:27,694
It's Friday, and we're gorgin'.
388
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,323
♪
389
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:38,663
Told you, stewie, nobody
wants to adopt this loser.
390
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:43,459
Okay, look sharp.
391
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,128
These people
may be your last chance.
392
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:48,172
Just do everything
the way we rehearsed it.
393
00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:50,466
Hey, little man, how are you?
394
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,094
I am fine
and in good physical health.
395
00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,347
Aw. What kind of toys
do you like, sweetie?
396
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:59,017
Um, you know, a doll,
because that's okay
397
00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:00,143
For a boy, I'm told.
398
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,853
But, you know,
any-any toy's fine.
399
00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:03,438
An outside ball
for throwing inside.
400
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,856
I mean, you know,
whatever you got.
401
00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:07,191
So sweet. Hey,
402
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,818
What do you want to be
when you grow up?
403
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,028
When I grow up, I want to be
404
00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:12,488
A body-cam-off police officer.
405
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,116
I-I mean, just a regular
police officer.
406
00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:23,783
How would you
like us to adopt you
407
00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:25,334
So that you can
come live with us
408
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:28,254
And be a jets fan,
not a pats fan,
409
00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:30,590
Because we are a jets family.
410
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,718
[exclaiming]
411
00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:37,096
[bleep] jets are a straight
[bleep] [bleep] franchise, bro.
412
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,223
The last jet that actually
mattered in nyc
413
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:40,767
Is the one that
hit the south tower.
414
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,310
Whoa, whoa.
415
00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:45,229
Okay, so that wasn't a match.
416
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:52,153
I'm sorry. I really thought
I could help you find
417
00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,696
A family of your own.
418
00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:55,198
What's going on over there?
419
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:58,242
Holy crap, it's mark wahlberg's
seven freckle-chested sisters
420
00:17:58,286 --> 00:17:59,327
From the fighter.
421
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:02,413
I'm sorry, ladies,
you have to leave.
422
00:18:02,457 --> 00:18:03,998
What? For why?
423
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:06,584
We caught you
sneaking outside beers
424
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:07,960
Into the adoption fair.
425
00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:10,254
If you're going to be
at the adoption fair
426
00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:13,049
You have to buy
adoption fair beers.
427
00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:15,134
Fine, we'll drink
in the parking lot.
428
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,011
Whatever kid doesn't get picked,
429
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:18,888
Just leave him outside.
430
00:18:18,890 --> 00:18:21,099
Hey, April, check out that one.
431
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:23,017
Whoa, now that's a good-looking
432
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:25,812
Government subsidy right there.
433
00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:29,315
-Um, hi there.
-Hey, bud.
434
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:32,985
I see you got the same
aaron hernandez tattoo I got.
435
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:35,154
Want to come live with us?
We live near an overpass
436
00:18:35,198 --> 00:18:37,740
And we got lots and lots
of d batteries to throw.
437
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,746
Go on, get out of here.
438
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,918
Have a great life
with your seven moms.
439
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,628
Well, one of 'em will be my mom.
440
00:18:50,672 --> 00:18:52,380
Six of 'em
will be my girlfriend.
441
00:18:52,423 --> 00:18:55,091
[short chuckle]
the dude's a legend.
442
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:04,767
Hey, baby. I want to party
with that ice cream cone.
443
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,061
Five bucks and I'll sit on it.
444
00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:10,231
Hey. Hey.
445
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:14,902
Twenty bucks if you'll mash
a chipwich with your knee.
446
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,571
[sighs]
447
00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,281
Let's see the chipwich.
448
00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:20,950
No! He doesn't do knee stuff.
449
00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:23,202
What is wrong with you sickos?
450
00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:24,954
What happened to you, man?
451
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:26,873
This is all I'm good for, meg.
452
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,167
It's... It's all
people see me as.
453
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,085
That's not true, chris.
454
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:32,753
You have so much to offer,
455
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:35,423
And I've got something
for you.
456
00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:36,757
Buttercream?
457
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:39,427
You bet your ass, buttercream.
458
00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:41,762
Wait.
459
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:44,015
This one we do together.
460
00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:47,768
[laughing]
461
00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:49,937
["love life us up where we
belong" by joe cocker
& jennifer warnes playing]
462
00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:54,192
♪ love lift us up where we belong ♪
463
00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:58,029
♪ where the eagles cry. ♪
464
00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:06,913
So, chris,
after your recent adventure
465
00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:09,498
Behind the scenes
of the adult video world,
466
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,210
You're probably not even
able to enjoy pornography any--
467
00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,086
Wrong!
468
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,881
Uh, okay.
Well, I got to go to
469
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,132
The county registrar's office.
470
00:20:18,176 --> 00:20:20,259
Need to re-register
our business as inactive
471
00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:22,220
And change our filing status.
472
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:23,221
♪
473
00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:26,098
♪ undoing a corporation ♪
474
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:29,852
♪ is surprisingly complicated ♪
475
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,146
♪ but it still doesn't make ♪
476
00:20:32,190 --> 00:20:35,775
♪ for a good montage. ♪
477
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:38,319
Hey, gavin.
Yeah, it's dad.
478
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:41,447
Well, the court say I get
two guaranteed calls a week,
479
00:20:41,491 --> 00:20:44,116
So I'm calling.
[chuckles]
480
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:47,370
Can you please tell your mother
to get off the extension?
481
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:50,414
No, in-person visits
have to be supervised,
482
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,833
But the calls do not
have to be supervised,
483
00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:55,378
So she can
get off the phone now.
484
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:59,006
Daddy knows what mommy's
breathing sounds like, bud.
485
00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:01,217
Get off the phone, janet!
36160
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