All language subtitles for family-guy-22x3en

♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ♪

♪ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry ♪

♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy. ♪

I... I don't get it.

You thought this was gonna be

The flea circus from
coraline, didn't you?

I'm cursed with optimism.

Oh, yous got a good eye.

That there's
a "little ms. Wedgewood" set.

(humming "I'm a little teapot")

♪ this is my handle,
this is my spout ♪

Well, all the parts seem to be
in the right places.

I'll take it.

Holy crap, a vintage
mr. Potato head

From the good old days
when potatoes were men

And had penises.

Peter, they never had penises.

Well, you could put a nose down
there and it kind of worked.

The nostrils were balls, and...

And so forth.

That's the very potato
I used in medical school

To learn anatomy.
I could let it go for 600.

What are we thinking, lois? Yes?

No, we don't have
that kind of money.

Fine, I'll buy it
with my magic beans.

Those are skittles.

There's no room in this world
for dreamers anymore.

Everything okay, dad?

(sighs) just adult stuff, buddy.

Mom wouldn't let me
buy a toy I wanted.

Man (on tv): Do you own a home,
but can't afford

The things you need to make
your life more comfortable?

Yes. Wait, is that...

Hi, I'm tom selleck.

Ask your nurse to turn down your
breathing machine for a minute

So I can tell you
how a reverse mortgage

From "hey, alright.
Reverse mortgages,"

Or "harm," can help you.

This seems like a trick.

I know this seems like a trick,
but it's not a trick.

Oh, that's nice to hear.

But is this his first rodeo?

Look, this isn't my first rodeo.

And I wouldn't be here
if I thought

Reverse mortgages
would hurt anyone.

Well, I certainly believe
magnum p.I.,

But it's easy to say this
stuff fully standing up.

I wonder if he can half-lean
on a fence post and say it?

-(gasps)
-do you really
want your adult kids

Fighting over your money
after you're gone?

Isn't it better
to spend it all now

So they don't have that option?

He's making good points.
I'll just run this by lois.

Men, please don't run
things by your wives.

Just go to "www..." I'm kidding.

Here's a phone number
as big as we can put it.

I'm getting my mr. Potato head.

But that is a lot
of numbers to dial.

Tom: If that's too many
numbers to dial,

Just say, "siri, I'm old."

Siri, I'm old.

Siri: Dialing
reverse mortgage company.

Stewie? What is all this stuff?

It turns out rupert only likes
"peppa pig" branded tea sets,

Which honestly, I get.

So I sold my tea set
at twice what I paid,

Then I bought more
stuff to sell.

Really? Was it worth that much?

Oh, sweetie, people have no
clue what antiques are worth,

So you just act like you know.

I actually got a booth at
the flea market next weekend.

I have to say,
I'm weirdly impressed.

Yes, who would've thought
a strange little guy like me

Could get super into
tiny details of old furniture.

Well, if you need
any help, I'm in.

All right.

-Is that...
-Yes, most antiques

Are just racist old packaging
from iconic companies.

Well, mostly syrup companies.

Wow, that's very racist.

Yep. Whole-blurry-shelf racist.

I'm mr. Kiki, the swim teacher

Who doesn't have a pool
and drives very far

To other people's pools
for lessons.

After this lesson,
I sit at panera bread

Until traffic dies down.

Announcer: Panera bread.

Where swim teachers
from other towns

Wait out traffic.

Oh, my god, is that
the expensive mr. Potato head

From the flea market?

I told you
we couldn't afford that.

Don't worry, I got
a ton of money.

I even bought a jet ski
in lake havasu

In case I ever get out there.

("angel"
by sarah mclachlan playing)

♪ spend all your
time waiting... ♪

Woman:
Every year, over 9,000 people

Buy jet skis and then
leave them at lake havasu.

Last year, over 700
jet skis were rescued

And sent to some of
the trashier wisconsin lakes

Where tiny-teeth families
gave them new lives.

For hundreds of others,
help came too late.

Where did you get
all this money?

It was easy.
I took out a reverse mortgage,

Which is that thing where
your house gives you free money.

Peter, how could you
be so stupid?

Reverse mortgages
are a total scam.

You need to call
the bank right away.

And take that
mr. Potato head back.

I can't. I wrote "best spuds
4 life" all over the box.

I almost love the box
as much as the guy now.

Peter, we could lose our house!

Relax, lois. Tom selleck
made a whole video about that

For the wives, wearing his
signature short shorts.

Hello, wives. I'm...

Sold.

Now the bank is saying
we could lose the house.

I can't believe I got
duped by tom selleck.

West:
Tom selleck?

Well, there's a name
I haven't heard in years.

Mayor wild west,
you know tom selleck?

Oh, I used to. Many moons ago.

How many?

-Many.
-Wow.

If you fellas would allow me
to jaw at you a minute,

I'll spin you a yarn.

Back when we grew
younger men's mustaches,

Me and tom carved
ourselves out a niche

As a hippie country duo
called "cold hard 'stache."

♪ see a penny, pick it up ♪

♪ all the day
you'll have to look ♪

♪ for its rightful owner ♪

♪ that's an honorable day ♪

♪ looking for
its rightful owner. ♪

(audience cheers)

Yeah, we were the talk
of one corner of town.

But as is often
the case in these tales,

Drugs entered the picture,

And when that trouble arrived,

Well, let's just say ol' tom

Offered it a place to set down.

You're playing with fire,
kemosabe.

(both grunting)

The next day he wrote a song
called "walk this way

(even if the crosswalk
says stop)."

And that's when I knew,

The one-a-day demon had got him.

In the end, one-a-day
was merely a suggestion.

Nearest I can reckon,
he was up to nine or ten a week.

Anyhow, hearing he's peddling
reverse mortgages now

Sounds about right.

Do you know what
a reverse mortgage is?

Nearest I can figure,
it's a loan

That enables the borrower

To access the unencumbered
value of their property.

That sounds kind of slick.

Well, the rub is
if you can't pay it back,

They can snatch your abode.

That strikes me as predatory.

Why would tom do this?

He should know better.

You see, having a mustache
is a sacred oath.

I have a mustache.

I'm proud of you.

He can't do this to people.

I am gonna track him down
and get the money back.

Mr. Mayor,
you're coming with me.

Oh, I'm afraid those
days are behind me.

But I wish you the best of luck.

That's fine, I'll go it alone,

Just like meghan markle
and prince harry.

Sir, your millions from netflix

For no one knows what.

Put it with the rest of them.

(phone dings)

Babe, time to do our daily

$250,000 sponsored
instagram post

For del taco.

Oh, I shouldn't have
left the made-up nonsense.

Well, I'm off to new york city

To find tom selleck
and get our money back.

How do you even know
he's in new york?

'cause he's on
cbs's loudest show,

Blue bloods,
and they film there.

No, peter, you're
not going anywhere.

Even for you,
this is an absurd plan.

Ain't nothin' absurd about this.

-Ma'am.
-Sold.

Mr. Mayor. You came.

That's right.
The only thing that can stop

A bad guy with a mustache
is a good guy with a mustache.

So hop on up,
we're taking a trip.

(neighs)

I can't believe we're
going to new york city.

I've always wanted
to see the twin towers.

(whispers)

(gasps) when?

Look, it's billy joel.

Uhp, no, it's just a drywall guy
dressed up for church.

So, is that whole retail
establishment just m&ms?

Yes, and bad jackets.

Like, so bad that sinbad
wouldn't even wear them.

Not sure I quite
understand new york city.

Oh, well, this
is just tv new york.

You can tell 'cause all the cab
drivers are impossibly white.

I call this place
"the big city,"

So you know
I've been here a while.

Mr. Mayor, allow me
to show you my new york.

Your new york is an espn zone?

I-I don't know,
I like all the screens.

Peter, look at this.

Black hair dye.

We follow this trail,
we find selleck,

Or possibly papa john
or rudy giuliani,

But that's a risk
we're gonna have to take.

Brian, time to
teach you my techniques.

Watch and learn.

You have a good eye.

I just sold a piece
by the same artist for 40.

-(whispers): Lie.
-That's a little
out of my budget.

Well, I'd like 30,
but I'd take 25.

(sucks teeth) lowest I could
let it go for is 20.

Would you take 11?

Well the frame alone
is worth 30.

Highest I can do is 12.

Okay, but you got to pay me

Before my wife gets back
from the bathroom.

She's gonna kill me
over this price.

That's the dance. Give it a try.

Hi, there, uh,
how much for this vase?

Five.

What the hell was that?

That's not the dance, man.

You got to put your hands up
higher, move around a bit.

My dance is the tango.

You got to find yours. Go ahead.

-Stewie, I'm not doing thi...
-Find your dance!

A bolero man.

Little dirty,
but nobody's gonna bleed.

You feel that? That's the bluff.

I thought it was "the dance."

Right, but at some point,

The dance becomes the bluff.

Are you just making
all this up as you go?

That's the dance, bri.

All right, brian,
follow my lead.

"van blunder" time.

Ooh, how much for this?

You're gonna hate me.

So, everything you see here

Is for sale, except that.

I don't even know
how it got out here,

It's supposed to be in the van.

Well, I really like it.

Brian, what did you do?

Oh, boy. That was
a blunder on my part.

That's a... That's a...
That's a pretty big blunder.

But look how much she loves it.

Do you love it?

I do. I can give you $10.

Well, I do want it to go
to someone who loves it.

I'll tell you what,
give me 11, and it's a deal.

What a blunder.

This is awkward, but
y'alls horning in on my turf.

See, "grandma's little loft"
is the king of knick-knacks.

Now yous selling 'em.

Ha. That's a laugh.

We'd never sell knick-knacks.

We're tchotchke guys.

If yous calling that
vintage chatillon dial-face

Hanging merchant's
scale a tchotchke,

Y'alls sicker than I thought.

Says the guy who has
his what's-its

Mixed in with his who's-its.

That's potpourri.

Yous out of your league.
That's what's happening here.

You hearing footsteps, gramps?

Hows about a little contest?

Whoever sells the most
by end of day tomorrow

Is the flea market champ.

The loser gets out
of the game. For good.

Fine, you're on.

And by the way,
there was a dead cricket

In the teapot you sold me.

-Oh, no.
-I know.

The hair dye trail
ends right here.

(doorbell rings)

Wait, only one guy
would accept delivery

Of so many hawaiian shirts.

(snoring)

(mustache barking)

What is it, boy?

Man, I love being paid
for reverse mortgages

In hawaiian shirts.

So, it looks like
there's a few more

Disgruntled customers
down there.

Well, that's a 'stache
from the past.

This can't be good. Get in.

Hey, nypd?

Yeah, it's chief whatever-
my-character's-name-is

From blue bloods.

There's a couple of trespassers

Outside my house.

(police siren wails)

You guys are under arrest.

-Is this 'cause I rubbed
on a lady in the subway?
-No.

-'cause I rubbed on
a lady on the bus?
-No.

Do you do a lot of
rubbing on people?

Hey, eight million people,
we all got to fit somewhere.

(sighs)

I'm sorry for dragging
you into this, mr. Mayor.

Lois was right,
this was a stupid plan.

Don't beat yourself up, hoss.

When your cause is just,

Any action you take
is honorable.

Besides, fate has a funny way
of takin' care of folks.

(snores)

I'd be much obliged if you'd
go ahead and open up for me.

How did you do that?

Well, this ain't
the first schlage

To which I've pitched woo.

Oh, brian, look,

It's this antique's last day

Selling antiques.

You alls can eat my dust.

(coughing)

Oh, we got quite
a showdown here today

At flea market regionals, jim.

"grandma's little loft"
has the experience,

But don't count out "the brian,
the bitch, and the wardrobe."

And the question we've been
hearing the most today:

Why does a flea market
have announcers?

Well, sometimes major
network announcers

Have one too many
at a golf tournament

And hit a guy in their car

And then have to
work their way back.

Hi, do you have any vintage
southwestern lifestyle stuff?

Bro, it's 7:30 a.M.

That stuff is long gone by 5:15.

I's about to open
a storage container

Fresh from tempe. Come on by.

-What?
-How is that possible?

Announcer:
And in crunch time,

The game just slows down

For a veteran booth
like "grandma's little loft."

Announcer 2: A large,
native american-looking teen

Has grumpily plopped down
on a camp chair

With an ipad at bruce's booth.

This guy's on another level.

-There's no way
we can catch him.
-(rattling)

Announcer:
This could be
the nail in the coffin

As other booths have
started shaking

Their mis-prescribed
opiates in salute.

Announcer 2: They call that
the "battle rattle,"

And it's the ultimate
flea market show of respect.

This one's all but over.

Welcome back to
flea market regionals,

Brought to you by warm coke.

Warm coke:
Sometimes they're just warm.

Announcer 2:
"grandma's little loft"

Is putting the finishing
touches on a dominant win.

Hey, we got lots of great

One-of-a-kind
stuff here. Please.

Announcer:
And, of course, the old guy
who last-minute decides

He wants to keep his stuff has
never really been a factor.

Announcer 2:
For him, it's more
about telling people

Where he got the stuff.

(sighs) well,
we gave it a good shot,

But we're not gonna catch bruce.

I guess we should go
tell him he won.

Announcer:
Hold the phone.
Looks like we got a guy

Bringing his home trash
to the flea market garbage can.

Announcer 2:
And this is where
the lone garbage can

Being right by
"grandma's little loft"

Could come into play.

Announcer:
Sure looks like a bag

Of mostly full diapers
and half-eaten burritos.

Announcer 2:
And that's just
a bee's dream bag.

Hey, we just wanted
to say, you wo...

-(loud buzzing)
-(people screaming)

Announcer:
And once that money
belt is zipped...

It's official. "the brian,
the bitch, and the wardrobe"

Win flea market regionals.
What a comeback.

Boy, you said it.
I told espn I'd quit

After a "magic: The gathering"
tournament,

But this time, I'm serious.

Well, yous won fair and square.

Y'alls the best
flea market weirdos.

(bees buzzing)

I sure am gonna miss this place.

Sorry about the bees.

Part of the game.
Hey, before I go...

Would y'all be willing to
sell your whole inventory

For nine dollars?

-Would you do 11?
-No.

You got yourself a deal.
I never want to come back here.

Everyone, you're all within
500 feet of a school.

(shouting)

Chris:
Over 200 arrests
were made that day.

It's still known
in flea market lore

As "extinction Sunday."

I'm chris griffin,
and my brother and my dog

Left me in a very hot car.

Hi, shannon, the line producer,

Said I could have another
plate of lasagna.

That's not shannon's call.

You were right.

Becoming extras on his show

Was the only way
to get close to tom.

Once the cameras start rolling,
we'll make our move.

Blue bloods, episode a million,

Season blabbity-blah.
Hollywood, go.

These guys are pros.

Director:
Action.

Chief whatever-your-character's-
name-is from blue bloods,

Do you recognize this man?

I do. He owns
the bodega on 56...

Blue bloods.

-Director: Cut.
-Who is this guy?

My name is peter griffin,

And I'm here 'cause
you screwed me over

With your trick
reverse mortgage.

It's not a trick.

Overruled.

What are you... You're an actor.

Time to acknowledge
the corn, tom.

Wild west? I had you arrested.

When you got hooked on multis

And started singing
mean-spirited songs,

I figured you were young,
it was a phase.

But now you went and got mixed
up with reverse mortgages,

And that, partner,
violates the mustache code.

Yeah. And besides,
you're magnum p.I.

You're like my tv boss.

Regular guys like me trust you.

I didn't make you do anything.

Only one thing left to try.

♪ see a penny, pick it up ♪

♪ all the day
you'll have to look ♪

♪ for its rightful owner ♪

♪ that's an honorable day ♪

♪ looking for
its rightful owner ♪

I-I'm not gonna sing.

-Your honor?
-I'll allow it.

♪ a penny saved is
a penny earned ♪

♪ but if it ain't yours,
I've learned ♪

♪ to find its rightful owner. ♪

(applause)

This court finds that the world
could use more songs like that.

Peter, I think you and I
might just have to

Agree to disagree
when it comes to

The financial propriety
of reverse mortgages.

That said, I certainly
never meant

To cause you any distress.

And wild, back in the day,

I turned my back on you,

And I turned my back
on my mustache.

Think you can forgive me?

Eh, nothin' a firm,
two-handed handshake

With eye contact can't solve.

And peter, I don't want there

To be any hard feelings,

So I'm gonna write you a check

For a little bit of
the lot of money I've made

Selling legitimate
reverse mortgages

To people who,
to the best of my knowledge,

Understand fully what
they're entering into.

How are you 78?

This ought to take care of it.

And hey, just to
make sure we're good,

How'd you like
a line on the show?

Blue bloods.

It might not be just
saying the show.

I understand.
Tom, would it be possible

For me to get another
plate of lasagna?

That's not my call, peter.
That's shannon's call.

It's not shannon's call.

Follow that car.

First time in the big city?

Blue bloods.

That last line was improvised.

Oh, look out, ryan stiles, huh?

Oh, you know, I'm just glad

We don't have to worry about
losing our house anymore.

Me, too. I guess I learned

Celebrities always
do the right thing

Once you publicly
guilt them into it.

♪ ♪