Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Ah, homecoming games are so exciting.

It's like Friday Night Lights and I'm Connie Britton.

Wrong, and nope.

God, I wish I was the coach in the locker room

giving an inspiring speech to the players.

Gonna tell you the one thing

every football player needs to know--

"When you kill yourself, don't touch the brain

'cause they got to take it out and look at it."

[all] Yeah!

Oh, no, it's Gayle-- the PTA president

whose passive-aggression can drain your life force.

Hi, Lois Griffin.

So, you did know there was a game?

Oh, hi, Gayle. Yeah, I knew.

I'll take those cupcakes you made.

[gasps] Oh, you don't seem to have any to donate.

No, I didn't have the time.

You have three kids, I totally get it.

I have four, and I work.

Sometimes it's hard to read a short email.

-Spam folder? -Oh, spam folder, yes.

I don't have that problem

because most of us got rid of AOL years ago.

If you'll excuse me,

I have to go find my husband, who makes $220,000 a year.

[groaning echoes]

[video game cheering]

Welcome to the Adam West High School homecoming game.

If anyone is here to shoot the place up,

please do it after the halftime show.

The girls have worked very hard.

But first, join me as we say goodbye

to Adam West High's longest serving teacher, Mr. Trampledon.

He's retiring after 50 years, and is known these days

as the last teacher in school to employ a paddle

and/or closed fist on misbehaving students.

He was formally asked to stop doing that last week

and... decided just to retire.

And he'd better step lively or--

-[grunts] -[team whooping]

And... tonight's game is dedicated

to the memory of Mr. Trampledon.

And now, give it up for our Homecoming King and Queen.

They're off to never leave town

and slowly decay before our eyes.

Next up,

crowning our Homecoming Dunce, Chris Griffin!

[announcer] This is Chris Griffin's fourth win

for Adam West High Homecoming Dunce,

even though he's only a sophomore.

[sighs] Four years in a row is nothing to be proud of.

Dynasty.

[TV announcer] We now return to Hulu's

Pam and Tommy. Lee Jones.

Baby, are you gonna steer the boat with your penis?

Why would I engage in such foolishness?

How you feeling after yesterday, Chris?

Terrible. Every year I'm the Homecoming Dunce,

and every year the bullying gets worse.

Hello, everyone. I have some news.

I got an email from the school saying

they're looking for a substitute teacher

to replace Mr. Trampledon, and... I applied.

And they accepted.

-What? -Seriously?

I don't know if that's "mute the TV" news.

Mom, you can't!

Don't you need a master's degree to teach?

A master's degree is needed, and I told them I had one.

You lied?

I manifested success.

I'm a woman in her 40s, so I manifest.

Lying is just me taking action steps over the truth.

The corpse of the truth.

You can't just say you're a teacher.

Oh, no? Every other man these days throws on a dress

and suddenly he's a woman, so...

Okay, I met with community leaders,

and I'm going to learn and listen.

Anyway, I'm a teacher now.

You saw how unpopular I am at school.

Having my mother as a teacher will make things worse.

I thought about that, Chris,

which is why I applied under the name Lois Pewterschmidt.

But you've taught at Adam West before.

People won't fall for it.

Oh, maybe I'll wear a blonde wig?

[gasps] Might even add a sexy beauty mark

so I look like Marilyn Monroe.

Or Cindy Crawford? Or Eva Mendes?

Or Gabriel Macht? The guy from Suits?

That won't work. I don't want this.

-I'm going to Bonnie's room! -You mean your room?

No, Bonnie's room.

[applause on TV]

Yeah, first Wednesday of every month,

Bonnie visits her mom in the home.

Oh.

You know, when she and I do this,

the first person to solve the final puzzle on Wheel

doesn't have to pay for the pizza.

Yeah, well, uh, Bonnie's not here.

Glad to have you aboard, Miss Pewterschmidt.

Let's show you around. There's our BLM banner.

That should probably come down,

I think we're all done with that.

And our trophy case.

We don't have many, so I've filled it out

with other items of achievement.

-Oh, is that you and--? -Counting Crows, yes.

If you have an Amex Platinum, you can use points

and get backstage at select concerts.

You have an Amex Platinum?

Nah, I was tenth caller on the radio.

No yearly fees on a fast dialing finger.

Life hack!

Students, here's your new substitute teacher,

Miss Pewterschmidt.

Hello, people.

What a nice group of young, fresh, unknown faces.

Whoa! Check it out. A blonde.

Ha, that means she starts at a B-minus.

Look at that body.

Today I'm learning numbers-- 36-24-36.

Oh! I want to know when this went

from history class to "wood" shop.

[purrs] Oh, doing too much physical stuff.

Oh, my God. They're all leering at my mom.

This is more embarrassing than when Dad

ruined my birthday party.

Dad, is it almost time for the piñata?

Dad?

Dad?

Chris! I think I screwed up

the party job assignments.

Ow! Damn it.

I'm not full of candy, I'm a guy!

-[cheering] -Ooh, I am full of candy.

Wait a minute, if I'm full of candy,

where are my insides?

I did it. I'm alive!

Now to move in with my sister, Hilaria Baldwin.

♪ ♪

[phone buzzes]

Oh, no! Cinematic text messages give everything away.

[Trey] So, Griffin, what's your problem?

-What did you say? -What?

-I said, "What did you say?" -What?

This might go easier if you just let me sit

at the cool kids' table.

[indistinct chatter]

Wow, I can't believe I'm at the cool kids' table.

Hi, I'm Cody.

Uh, here's some bread to start you off,

and I'll be back in a moment to take your orders.

Wow! Are those parmesan crisps?

You can have the pumpernickel stick.

Oh, that's the only thing I don't want.

So, why were you weird with Miss Pewterschmidt?

We're teens. We're horny for everything.

If something's not totally repulsive, it's hot.

Don't you think she's hot?

Yeah, I guess she's a total hottie.

What would you do with her?

Like, if you went home with her tonight.

We'd eat dinner, talk a bit.

And then go upstairs and straight to bed.

There you go. Now you're talking.

Guys, a table just opened up on the terrace.

-Oh, perfect. -Oh, no, we'll get that.

[quiet chatter]

[sighs] I didn't even need the sweater.

So Miss P., huh?

I tell ya, I'd jump up her poodle skirt

and say I'm the dog catcher.

[school bell rings]

Man, it's like nobody can see or hear me.

Things have been weird ever since me and Frenchy were

drag racing for pink slips and--

[magic chiming]

Wait a minute. Am I dead?

-Yes, you are. -You can see me?

I can see all the dead. It is my gift... and my curse.

Hey, Meg, the, uh, ghost toilet is clogged again.

Requires a human fist.

[sighs]

Quick, Chris, get in.

[gasps] You see what I see?

Griffin's getting in the car with Miss Pewterschmidt!

Aw, he works fast, dude.

Quick, Chris, get down.

Whoa! Griffin's a selfless lover.

It's so great he's having sex.

[rock music playing]

♪ Guy friends gettin' horny ♪

♪ About their guy friends having sex. ♪

[announcer] There's nothing wrong with it.

I'm beginning to think this whole teaching thing

is a lot easier than they let on.

Kids, when you're bagging groceries,

do you ever wonder who invented the shopping bag?

-[student] Margaret Knight? -It was Margaret--

You saw it on the board!

Griffin, we saw you driving away

with Miss Pewterschmidt yesterday.

Did you score? If you closed the deal with a teacher,

you'll be a legend forever.

Well, let's just say, she and I slept.

Together. Under the same roof.

-All right! -Of course, we had dinner first.

There you go.

And then I ate her Outback Steakhouse salad,

-which she didn't want. -As someone who only listens

to the first half of sentences, nice.

-She single? -No, she's married.

Her husband was there all night.

I think they live together more as brother and sister

than husband and wife.

Oh, happens to a lot of couples, I hear.

There's a bit more going on.

I don't think there's a lot of dew left on his lily, right?

You know what, Griffin?

We're gonna carry you out on our shoulders because of sex.

All right, just be careful.

-[cheering] -Easy. I'm husky.

Falling six feet for me is like nine feet for others.

I don't feel supported!

Well, Chris Griffin.

Uh, hello, Miss Pewterschmidt.

I'm so proud of you.

I know you didn't want me to be your teacher,

but it's such a thrill to see you making new friends.

See you later, Chris Griffin.

Hey, stud. The cheerleading squad decorated your locker.

We do that for all the boys who "score."

Wow. You guys decorated my locker?

Well, the male cheerleaders did.

We decorated it in what is known as the Hollywood Regency Style.

A delightful blend of Art Deco themes and silhouettes.

Did you notice the pop of color? The pop of color was my idea.

Hey, I heard a weird rumor about you.

Oh, that I took a trip to Jamaica

and my room was robbed of everything

except my camera and toothbrush?

And then I carried on using my toothbrush,

as one does on vacation, but when I got home,

I developed my film and there was a picture

of a Jamaican man using my Oral-B as his anal-B?

Yeah, it sort of happened, but I was the Jamaican man.

No, people are saying you're sleeping

with "Miss Pewterschmidt," who is Mom.

You do know she's Mom, right?

I know she's Mom.

And I may have said some things

that made people think we're having sex.

But the guys in class now think I'm cool.

Chris, Mom could get arrested.

Mom knew when she took this job

there was a chance we'd wind up pretend-banging.

I'm not going back to being unpopular.

Well, Chris, tell me just one thing about Mom...

is she bigger than me?

[announcer] This program is now "TV-MA"

because of what Meg just said.

Got to say, I'm pretty beat.

[groans] Sleeping with Miss Pewterschmidt,

but we're not sleeping, you know?

Hard to sleep when you're doing stuff.

Yeah. But what did you do, exactly?

Well, she has this whole "mom" thing going on.

Last night, she scolded me

for tracking mud in the living room.

Obviously trying to get me out of my shoes.

Ooh, what a turn-on.

That's not sex.

Tell us exactly what sex you and she did.

[gulps] Come on, Chris.

You've seen thousands of hours of porn.

You can do this.

Well, Miss Pewterschmidt was a braless real estate agent

who was showing me a large, mostly empty home

in Van Nuys, California,

and she'd do anything to make the sale.

I showed her a thick wad of ones and we were off to the races

on a brown leather couch next to an empty CD tower.

That's just porn.

Yeah, you're just making this whole thing up.

No, we really had sex.

I mean, the house purchase fell through, though,

because of some issues with the appraisal,

but that's not uncommon in this market.

We want a picture.

A naked picture of Miss P. or you're a liar.

A naked picture? Okay.

But I have to warn you,

sometimes she looks exactly like Halle Berry

bent over the sofa in Monster's Ball.

Get us a naked picture of her.

And until then, go sit with the angry hearing aid kids.

♪ ♪

Oh, look who it is. Mr. Popular.

Oh, look who it is. Mr. Popular.

Oh, hear who it is. Mr. Popular.

Okay, Chris, you can do this.

Plenty of people have taken nude pictures of their mom.

Possibly Liz Hurley's weirdly pretty son

with whom she seems entirely too close.

♪ ♪

I can't. I can't.

It's my mom. I'm not a dirtbag.

Psst. Chris.

That it has even gone this far means you are a dirtbag.

Own it.

I don't know, Mr. Quagmire.

"In order to find real happiness,

"you must learn to love yourself

for the totality of who you are."

Portia de Rossi.

[phone beeps]

[camera clicks]

Where's the picture, Griffin?

Awesome. Send it to us.

Promise you won't share it?

Of course not. We're best pals.

Well, we have made a lot of memories together.

♪ So take the photographs and still frames in your mind ♪

♪ Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time ♪

♪ Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial ♪

♪ For what it's worth, it was worth all the while ♪

♪ It's something unpredictable ♪

♪ But in the end is right ♪

♪ I hope you had the time of your life. ♪

Okay, I was thinking of the wrong stuff,

but I guess I can trust these guys.

[phones chiming]

[phones chiming rapidly]

[phone chimes]

"Miss Pewterschmidt is sleeping with a student.

Here's the proof." That's her.

And it looks like someone in her home is using

"Kerasilk Shampoo for color-treated hair."

I wonder who?

I'll never tell.

Kerasilk Color Shampoo.

It keeps color-treated hair vibrant,

and that keeps me out of the salon.

Principal Shepherd sounded mad

when he called me in this morning.

Well, his ex-wife's now garnishing his sandwiches,

and I don't mean adding parsley.

-[bell dings] -You can go in now.

[sighs] He must have found out about the master's degree.

Okay, I'll go in and I'll just be honest.

Miss Pewterschmidt,

I have a very grave matter to discuss with you.

And I know what it is. I'm guilty.

Well, I appreciate the honesty.

I mean, I did the same thing at my son's preschool

-and no one cared. -Wha--?

I just want to touch kids, and I have.

All of them. Even the girls.

One boy was unhappy with his D

and I promised to help him get it up.

Then it was, "Cram, cram, cram."

I'm close to breaking my pencil in outrage.

One boy's a little slow, but I whisper in his ear,

"You can do it,"

and the smile on his face when he finishes.

Miss Pewterschmidt, you cannot sleep with students!

What? No, never!

I thought you were talking about me lying

about having a master's degree.

Oh, no, no, no.

Take a look at my master's on the wall there.

"The Harvard Yale Principal School

of the Republic of Cuervo."

We all lie.

Who's gonna pay for a master's

to teach at the high school level?

But still, how did a student get this nude photo of you?

Oh, my! Okay, I don't hate that angle.

But I-- I think I know who took this.

I'll take care of it.

And-and can you send me the photo, please?

[phone chimes]

Can you delete it from your phone?

Of course. Click.

-All you did was say, "Click." -It's an old phone.

Hear you're doing it with a teacher, huh?

I'm proud of you.

They say her husband's got no more dew on the lily.

Christopher Cross Griffin! How could you?

Oh. Hi, Mom.

Peter, your son told everyone

that he and I were sleeping together,

and then, then he sent a nude photo of me

to his friends and now it's all over school.

The soap acts like a bikini, hiding everything.

There's a subreddit for that. Let me see if it's there yet.

I'm sorry. I didn't think it would get around.

[computer starts]

Chris, if people think I'm sleeping with a student,

I could go to jail.

Now, you are gonna march into school tomorrow

and tell everyone the truth.

I just wanted to be in with the cool kids no matter what.

I saw popularity and I went for it.

Oh, honey, you wanted something and you lied.

You were manifesting.

I wouldn't use that awful term, but yes.

You made it. "Soapkinis." Lot of upvotes.

You know, Chris, I bet your new friends

will admire your honesty.

You're brutally naive.

You're also on the subreddits "Over40GoneWild,"

"Mombod," and you're even the alluring photo

that gets me to click on a link about celebrity bankruptcies.

[gasps] Joey Lawrence sold his condo at a loss?

Come on, let's go out and get some ice cream, my little man.

"Floyd Mayweather Jr. KO'd by the IRS"?

I don't know, Mom. People may talk.

Not ready to laugh at this, Chris.

Sheena Easton lives in reduced circumstances

in Henderson, Nevada? No!

Good morning, everyone.

I've done something terrible,

although not as terrible as the cafeteria meatloaf.

Thought I'd open with a little humor.

Ha! Popular kids are always funny.

Chris, get to the point.

Well, I told many of you that I was sleeping

with Miss Pewterschmidt.

I shared a shower photo of her.

If you haven't seen it yet,

it's on the subreddit "Soapkinis."

You're the man, Chris!

No, I'm a liar. None of that happened.

Mo-- I mean, Miss Pewterschmidt, is an excellent teacher

who would never do such a thing.

I hope everyone can forgive me

and see that I just wanted a few friends.

-[coughs] Loser. -[coughs] Liar.

[coughs] Real cough, long COVID.

♪ ♪

Now, hold on, hold on. Let me tell you all the truth.

Chris Griffin was the biggest thing I ever had.

[all gasp]

Oh, I thought I was gonna break in two.

He was 22 inches and 11 pounds.

But I knew he was gonna change my life for the better.

[cheering]

[Chris] Mom got six years for sex with a minor.

Asher died in an e-bike accident.

And as for me,

I married Liz Hurley's strangely attractive son.

My name is Chris Griffin Hurley.

I took his name.