All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s17e06 - A Three-Ring Man

Well, well, well.

Ooh!
Oh, no, no.

- Yes!
- Argh!
JOANNE HISSES

Argh!

Erm...

Quite windy today.
Yeah.

Christ.

Whoo! Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby.

OK.

Oh, my God!

VARIOUS CRIES AND YELLS

APPLAUSE

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

Thank you!
Hello, welcome to Taskmaster,

the show where elite comic minds
unravel

like a ball of wool.
We're essentially in the Colosseum,

but with a little less
stabby stabby,

and a disappointing lack of...
HE ROARS

Let the games commence.

Please welcome Joanne McNally...
APPLAUSE

...John Robins...
APPLAUSE

...Nick Mohammed...
APPLAUSE

...Sophie Willan...
APPLAUSE

...and Steve Pemberton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And sitting next to me,
a man who looks like

a poodle who just about escaped
a house fire on his hind legs...

LAUGHTER

...Little Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mm, thank you. Thank you, Greg.

Well, hi, Greg.

How was my weekend?

Well... it was one of
the great weekends.

Yeah.
I caught up with my aunt.

Yeah. Which was amazing,
cos she's a really fast runner,

and I normally lag behind.
We did our relay.

You know we do the relay
in the village,

all the friends and family,
and we did the 4x100.

Yeah. So 100 people doing
four metres each and just...

...and I was parallel
with Aunt Polly, so, erm,

overtook her in the final metre
of the four and,

uh, first time I've managed
to do that.

And we can came eight...

88th we came.

LAUGHTER

Woof, woof, woof, woof.

All right, prize task time.

What have we got for episode six,
Alex? You asked them to bring in

the best thing that
you can get into.

Hmm. There's the usual
five points for

the best thing that you can
get into,

and I thought it worth pointing out
that there's also three points

for the most mid-table thing.

Back to you, Greg.
Appreciate you, brother.

All right, John,
what's the best thing that...

It's quite a tricky one
to phrase, this, isn't it?

...you'd like me to get into?

Greg, you've got to get into memes.

John, I have not.

LAUGHTER

So what I have done
to help you be more active

in the meme scene is I've created
my very own Taskmaster memes.

Take a look at this, Greg.

Maybe I'm more into memes
than I thought.

Do you want to see another meme?
Second meme.

It's a bit of fun.
Greg, you're having fun.

Yeah. I'm an old man
sweating looking at something

I don't want to get into.

Hi, Nick.

What have you brought me
that I might want to get into?

I thought, and particularly
cos you are often very hot,

one of the things
that you could get into

would be the concept of adding a
ice cube to a glass of white wine.

Wow.
Just one single cube.

Here it is. Lovely.

Honestly, tr...
Don't knock it till you've tried it,

because it really works.

I'm not putting ice in my wine, Nick.

Just a single cube?

Not at all, because I'm not a pussy.

You're just not bringing
anything new to me, Nick.

If I want cold wine,
I'm going to put it in my fridge.

Obviously it goes in
the fridge at the start,

but I'm saying that when you pour it
out and it's sort of sat there...

So what you've brought in

is the ability for me to have
a glass of wine, uh...

I didn't... But I didn't.

...at a certain distance
from my fridge.

LAUGHTER

OK, Sophie, take over,
for God's sake.

I can't really,
cos I realised I've forgotten

and brought the wrong present.

Is it worth explaining
at the sixth episode

of this series that
these aren't presents for Greg?

Oh, are they not?
I do judge it, so it's... You do.

It's very wise...
I thought we had to give you a gift.

It's wise if it appeals to me.

I thought, "He's a bit greedy,
in't he?"

LAUGHTER

This is a human hamster ball...
Yeah?

...that you can get into and have a
wheel. Roll around. Roll around.

It is big.
Yeah.

Ooh!

Freedom.

It's the opposite of freedom.

Simple. Why might I like it?
Why might anyone like it?

Well, who doesn't want
to roll around?

Oh, come on, eh?

Would you like to go down a hill
in one of those?

I would absolutely love
to get in that.

OK, we'll push you down a hill.

Joanne, you all right?

Yes, so I, as you know have been,
er,

been quite experiential
with the presents.

And it hasn't worked in my...
They're not presents!

So this time,
I've gone for a sleeping sarcophagi.

So that's me in the thing.

LAUGHTER

You can be Tutankhamun at night,
and you can close your eyes

and you're in
the Valley of the Kings.

Yeah. It's all gold.
Yeah, I can see it. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Steve, only you can save this round.

I hope I can do something
that you will enjoy as your present.

I have brought you...

LAUGHTER

As the prize, uh,

I have brought you in
today's Guardian newspaper.

Oh.

I thought, like, a hobby, you could
get into doing cryptic crosswords.

This better get good soon, mate.
OK.

Can I say, by the way,

there was a Guardian
in my dressing room today?

Yeah, and mine. And mine.

And there was also one in mine.
Right.

Well, did anyone do
the cryptic crossword?

No.
All right.

I won't open that lefty stuff.

OK, well, what I hope someone
might have been impressed by

is the fact that I wrote
today's cryptic crossword.

Ah, now we're talking.
We can have a look at it.

Oh, well done.
Nice.

APPLAUSE

I've filled in some of
the answers for you.

The other thing you can do
with cryptic crosswords,

you can hide hidden messages
within them

if you get the right combination
of words.

As you can see, if you look at
the G of ghettoes on the left there

and read down the unchecked letters,

you'll see
I've put you in the crossword.

"Greg," nice!
Oh!

And if you also read the rest of
the hidden message...

"Greg, please give Steve...

"..all five points."

APPLAUSE

Steve, the only problem for me now is
how to reward you suitably

and to punish these four.

I am points-hungry tonight, Greg.
My God.

If you want to shift
the four across, the three across,

the two across, I'll take 'em all,
cos that took ages.

Shall I give some points out?
Yes, please.

Um, obviously...

I find it very difficult
to be mean to you, Nick. Aw.

One point.
Thank you.

I'm sorry, John, I just...

I'm not excited by memes,
and I have a reputation.

I'm an ex-teacher who despises
children, so two points to John.

OK. The inflatable ball,
three points,

just because I want to push
Sophie Willan down a hill.

Uh, I'll give the sarcophagus
four points. Thank you.

And it feels like you've been
robbed in many ways

that you don't get more than
five points, but that's,

that's the prize section,
or as I call it...

...Greg's Gift Section.

Five points to Steve.

APPLAUSE

Right, on we go.

OK, and the first task involves
a choose Mr Mohammed basket.

I'm so sorry, no,
I mean a picnic hamper.

GREG GROANS, DELAYED LAUGHTER

Pleasure to see you.

John Robins.
Alex Horne.

Basket. Wheel. Chair.

A lovely label here, it says,
"To John, from Nick."

"To Nick from Sophie."

We're not going on a picnic,
are we?

Couldn't think of anything worse.

"Make a bespoke personal hamper
for Steve Pemberton."

"Make a bespoke personal hamper
for Sophie Willan."

"..for Nick Mohammed."

"..for John Robins."

"..for Joanne McNally.

"You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now."

Sophie, you do have to also
spin this wheel. One big spin.

Something from nature...
Mm-hm.

...for Nick to suit his personality.

Oh! Action.

My theme is picnic.
Lovely.

Oh, yeah, perfect.
It's got to all be red.

I've got to get a hamper full of
red items, I would imagine. Yes.

He's older, isn't he?
Older than...?

Anyone else.

So I just want to remind him
of that. Ah.

Cos soon he will be dead.

I got some hot sauce,
cos she's quite a spicy character.

Sunflower to match his
sunny disposition. Lovely.

Right, there is a new bag
in this, so... Lucky John.

Lucky John, eh?

HE GROANS

There you go.

Dog walking lead.

All the red marbles
out of the big marble thing.

Oh, can I spin again?
I want to mix it up a bit.

Picnic! Well, we've got the hamper,
haven't we? So that's good.

And this for him in the bath,
cos when you're old,

you have to be careful in the bath.

Pudding.
Bungee cord.

Flowers.
Obviously paper plates. Obviously.

A train.
Pineapple for afters.

Juice.

Plain flour?
Plain flour, yes.

What's he going to do with that?
Baking. Baking.

I'm just going to attach
the G clamp.

Little bit of red carpet.

I think this'll do, because this,

it's both a picnic blanket
and a blanket. Right.

This cos I know he likes weird shit,

and these to keep his sugar
levels up.

And I'm going to play
a little joke on her,

so when she opens it,
she gets a nice surprise

and she'll think of me
and she'll thank me.

Love it. Can't believe you got it
all in. I know!

WHISTLE BLOWS
Perfect.

Well, I suppose I should
give you the right

to reply about having
a hamper filled with things

that suggest you're teetering
on the edge of death.

Yeah. And into weird shit.
Sorry, Steve.

You're suggesting that
Steve needs an assisted bath.

I mean, he's a man in his 50s.

I don't know why I thought you were
older than you are.

I don't know why.
Oh, God.

AUDIENCE MEMBER EXCLAIMS
Sorry!

For what it's worth,
I was very happy with what you put.

Including litter pickers cos
old people like picking up litter.

LAUGHTER

Well, look I'm excited,
let's crack on.

OK, so we're going to come back
to that one later on,

so for now, here is another
introduction video.

There he is.

Hi, Steve.
Hi.

Hello.
Hello.

One, two, three, four...

...five, six, seven, eight?

Lovely. Right. Oh, God. Yeah.

One, two, three, four...

Paper.
OK.

Sorry, that's a rock, actually.

...five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four...

...once I saw a fish alive.

One, two, three, four...

...I declare a thumb war.
Ah.

Oh, God. Oh, why? That's...
Ah! That makes sense.

"Have the most exciting thumb war
with Alex."

You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.

Mm.

Tequila?

One, two, three, four.
I declare a thumb war.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Who do you appreciate?

Can we get some tequila?

Do you want me to get the tequila?
Yeah. Ah.

And shots. Come on, a bit of craic.

You haven't had a drop
since I met you.

How many of you knew
what a thumb war was?

Did you? Cos I... I thought,
from the VT, it looked like John was

the only one who'd heard of
a thumb war.

I just forgot the intro.
Yes, well, your mind was full

of how quickly
you can get hammered.

Yeah.

Straight to a national stereotype.
"Let's get hammered."

There's no smoke without fire.
What can I say?

Yeah. Did you come out dressed as
a leprechaun as well?

Too far.
Oh, too...

Let's watch some people
doing a thumb war,

and presumably
Joanne getting hammered.

Well, first up it's Thumb-phie
Willan and Knuckle Mohammed.

Here we go.

I've lost you a bit. Oh, you've lost
me a bit? Hang on. I'm here.

STEADY BEAT PLAYS

One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.

Oh, that was too easy, actually...

No, get off. It's stuck.

Yeah.
I'm done.

NICK PLAYS NOTES

Declare a thumb war.

Oh, didn't go far, did it?

Cheers, Alex.
Well played.

APPLAUSE

I really liked it, Nick.
Oh, really? Uh, and...

You know, I've made it very clear
during this series I don't like

a pun, but I didn't mind
Thumbley Stadium. Yeah.

Nick is really good at thumb wars.
Yeah.

And by stark contrast...

I thought we were creating high-end
art here.

Right, with the guy with
the pigeon on his head?

I was disappointed with the thumb
war cos you're very quick.

I mean the thumb war itself was,
uh, shit. But...

I've got tiny hands, though,
I mean, I've got the hands of

sort of somewhere between an old man
and a baby. Yeah.

They're very small and weird.

Well done with Thumbley Stadium,
Nick.

LAUGHTER

Thanks, Greg. Well done. Thank you.
It's good, says a lot that

so far, Thumbley Stadium is my
favourite part of this task.

Time for an advert break now,

and if you don't want to watch them,
try my method.

I force someone from
the company who make the product

to watch them for me.

Well, they've got us scanning
our own shopping, haven't they?

See how you like it, you
profit-motivated barrel of rats.

See you in a minute.

APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back
to part two of Taskmaster.

We're in the midst
of some pretty exciting thumb wars.

Oh, yeah, well,
the funny thing is,

this task, it just
came to me one day,

and I wasn't really sure about it,

but now I feel so fortunate
that it turned out this way

and gave the comedians a chance
to really shine, and that, Greg...

...was a thumble brag,

Now for the attempts...
AUDIENCE GROANS

...of John and Joanne.

Hello. Hello, Alex. Hello, John.

Basically, there's three condiments.

There's mustard, custard,
and peri peri sauce. Mm-hm.

You've got a spit bucket here.
A shot of rum here.

The game is - you keep one thumb
clean for the whole game,

and if you sully that thumb,
you're out. Ah.

So you dip all nine other fingers
into the condiment,

suck it off.

All nine into the next condiment...
..suck it off.

Then the last clean thumb -
you dip it in the mustard, custard,

and stick it to
the other person's head. OK.

"Win the thumb war.

"You may not cross the lines
of fire.

"Last thumb standing wins.

"From this moment onwards,
you may only communicate using

"Queen song titles."

Don't Stop Me Now.

Fee-fi-fo-thumb... Go!

OK. Hmm...

Oh, qui... Oh, no.

Sick. Oh, really?

Action This Day.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Ooh!
Fat Bottomed Girl.

The Miracle.

Urgh!

What the fuck is that? I forgot to
keep that clean! Me too. Ah!

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

That's how you do it, baby.

Argh!

We Are The Champions!

APPLAUSE

What percentage
of every day are you thinking about

the band Queen, John?

When you're wearing
a Freddie Mercury jacket,

uh, it's on your mind.
It's on your mind.

I didn't know that many
Queen songs. No.

I looked up some afterwards.

We could've had Flick Of
The Wrist from...

A Night At The Opera.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Uh, uh, no, no, no.

Uh-oh! Sheer Heart Attack.
It is Sheer Heart Attack.

Someone's been kicked out of
the Queen fan club!

I'm actually in the Queen fan club.

Joanne, the thing that I found
intriguing about your game is

I felt it was a game
you've played many times before.

And Joanne had a catchphrase

that was sandwiched between
every rule.

Suck it off.

It was called
Custard And Mustard, Oh, My.

What were the rules?
I mean, I got into it... Yeah.

...but I didn't know why.
I just wanted shots,

speed, custard, and then it was
like, uh...

That would be such a great T-shirt.

It would be an amazing logo
on a T-shirt,

perhaps with one addition.

Shots, speed...
Custard.

Suck it off.

And for our final war
of the opposables,

it's Steve Pemberthumb.

Oh, that's good!

Charge!

We have come to claim our
territory. This is righty territory.

No, it's not!

It most certainly is.

One, two, three, four...

..I declare a thumb war.

CHARGE!

Argh!

NO!

What are we doing, leftie?
Why are we fighting this war?

You said it was your territory.

We both belong together.
Here, come, let me help you.

Can you come up? Thumbs up.
Thumbs up!

I've lost a lot of good men
in this war, you know.

Pinky, Ring, Middle, Index,
all gone.

What say we go and watch
the footy, eh?

I love the footy. Let's go.
Let's go, then. Come on.

APPLAUSE

We wanted to go for
an anti-war message... Yes.

...and I think that came across
really powerfully.

Too many people have perished
in thumb wars, Steve.

I thought it was, uh,
well-conceived...

...moving... Yeah, very moving.
...and, at times, exciting.

Right, then,
five contrasting thumb wars, Greg.

We've got to take into
consideration the quality of

the thumb war.

Why am I looking at you, Sophie?
It's weird, innit?

I think it's cos you...

...you're going to...
give me the bottom.

My instinct is
to give you one point.

What do you think?
I think it's reasonable. Yeah.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

I loved the production values,

and felt the same sort
of excitement level

for Nick and John, if I'm honest,

so I'm going to give Nick
and John three points each.

I'm going to give Joanne four,
but, my God,

how can I deny...
..the beautiful tribute

that was the Battle Of The Thumb?
Five points.

There you go. So Steve's done it
again. Well done, Steve. Five points.

I'd like to see
the scores, please, Alex.

Of course you would.
Well, our habitual bottom guys -

Nick and Sophie - are still there
with four points each.

Joanne's got eight. Steve's
in the lead with ten this time.

All right, then.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's have another.

This one has that familiar mix
of darts and drinks

and awkward positions.

Hello, team. Hello, Alex.
Hiya.

One on the doormat,
one in the doorway, please.

One on the doormat,
one in the doorway?

OK, I'll go doorway.

I'll go doormat.

Uh-oh. Hi.

Shall I go mat,
do you want to go in the dome?

You go in the dome there.

I was on the college darts team,
I'll just tell you that.

Were you?
Yeah.

OK, go on, you go in there.
You go there. Oh, I see. Right.

You've made your beds. Yeah.
Oh, all right, here we go. Oh, no.

Do you want to read it?
Whose is that? That's not...

That's part of the task.

Right. Part of the task. I thought
someone had just left it. Right.

OK, so it says, "Make the most moves
on the movement circles.

"Your team-mate must flip a bottle

"then throw a dart at each dartboard
to create a move."

"If they get a bull's-eye,
you have free choice.

"Also, if they successfully land
the bottle flip,

"your team-mate may place a dart
anywhere in the dartboard."

"Also, if they successfully land
the bottle flip,

"your team-mate may place
a dart anywhere in the dartboard."

And is it a bull's-eye on either of
the dartboards?

Yeah, so a bull's-eye on that one
would give free choice of part of

the body. Yeah. Bull's-eye on that
one, free choice of colour.

OK, that makes sense.

"Longest movement sequence
successfully made wins."

So Sophie's on bottle flip.

Right. John's on darts.
Joanne's on movement.

Do I need to know anything,
Steve, in terms of like,

uh, like, dodgy knees or anything
that you, uh...?

Just dodgy body. Dodgy bum, dodgy...
Yeah.

OK, everyone understand? No.
Yeah. Let's go. Yeah.

Oh, hang on, the darts captain
has taken his jacket off.

Can I...? Are we filming?

We're filming.

Sex sells, John.

APPLAUSE

On the college darts team, were we?

I was captain of the...

Jesus Christ, the heat is on.

Especially a man who's stripped down
to a vest.

LAUGHTER

Steve, are you getting sick of
the age-related slams yet?

Your team-mate asking if you had
any ailments.

I think Nick was looking out
for me.

It was just common courtesy,
that was, really.

Oh, OK, you'd have asked anyone
that.

I would've asked absolutely
anyone that.

Yeah. Not just Grandpa.

Let's crack on.

Right, it's the team of two up
first, as Nick steps up to the oche

to influence Steve's dodgy body.
Here we go.

Here we go, and... Right.
Pathetic. Unsuccessful.

So, uh, I'll try and throw
a bull's-eye.

OK, no, it's bum, so that's good.
Right, bum, good start.

Um, uh... Ooh, right on the line.

Brown bum or pink bum?

No, that is bum in the pink.
Bum in the pink.

There you go.
So that's one move completed.

I think I'm doing it too high
in the air.

Right, left foot...

...yellow.
Left foot, yellow.

Basically on it.
Great. Fine. Here we go.

Two moves completed.
Oh, every time.

Ooh, we have a left hand.

Left hand.
Left hand. White'd be good.

There you go. It is white.
Left hand, white. Ah!

Three movements.
OK. Right elbow.

Right elbow's in play. OK.

Oh, it's white.
White.

There is a white back there.

Yeah, there you go!
Five movements complete.

Right elbow in the end.
Oh, right elbow.

Right.
So that's already in play.

Oh, I see. What would you prefer?
To keep it where it is?

Oh, yeah. Quite comfortable here.

It's black and that's
in the middle.

STEVE SNIGGERS
Right.

That hand must stay on there.

Yeah, I know!

How can I get that to there?
I think we'll count any...

If any of your bum is on pink,
that'll be fine.

Is that...? Yeah, that counts.
Here we go again.

That is dreadful. Oh, my God, Steve.

Right, it's over.

APPLAUSE

Nick, it feels rude of me
to say that I just had

a gut instinct you'd be no good
at darts. Oh!

I still think, though,
we had got it the right way round.

I think in hindsight,
if we'd have done it the...

You think the RIGHT way round?
Yeah.

Of course. How were you going to get
from brown to pink to yellow?

You'd have to sort of...
In my cape.

Oh, of course.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, you'd have bounced around nicely,
wouldn't you? Yeah, I would've.

But it was nice for Steve to be able
to have a nap, so... Yeah.

Cos I'm quite flexible,
and because I'm quite small as well

I don't know if that's...
Maybe that's not helpful.

I don't think that's an advantage.
No, it's not an advantage. Ever.

You're not small!

Sorry.
I didn't even hear what you said.

Oh, good! It's a compliment.

OK, break time.

A lot of students get in touch
with me and they say,

"What do you and Alex get up to
during the breaks?"

Well, I'll tell you,
my young friends.

He buffs my gusset.

See you soon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! And a warm welcome back

to the third part
of this Taskmaster festival.

Hey, guys, it's great to see
so many familiar faces out there.

Before the break, we saw
the teams taking part

in a task which feels like
a game that already exists,

but it definitely doesn't.

It's the team of three's turn now,
with Joanne in the dome,

John at the oche,
and BAFTA award-winning comedian

and writer Sophie Willan
standing at the side

tossing a bottle about a bit.
Here we go.

I'm actually quite nimble.
This is good. OK, yeah.

And how are you at
bottle flipping, Sophie?

Well, we'll find out.
OK, well, you may flip.

Right.

Off you go, John.
Ready? Yeah.

Oh, nice.
Left hand.

Brown.

Smashed it.

Well...

Yeah, that's not a successful
bottle flip.

Close.
Left elbow.

Uh-oh.
OK, so we need pink or brown.

Oh, well done. Pink.
Left elbow, pink. Yeah.

Right.
So we ideally want bum, white.

Bum, white.

Bum.

That is... Oh, that is bum white!
Oh!

That is, well done.

It'd be lovely if it lands
on that table.

It's left hand, white.

This is actually the hardest bit.
Yeah.

Left elbow, pink. Ass, black.
Left hand, yellow.

YES! Oh!
What have we got now?

Sophie can choose what Joanne does.

Right hand, brown, Sophie.

Right hand, brown, please.
OK.

That's the bull's-eye.

It's bull's-eye.
What do you want to move?

My right knee, please. Right knee.
Black, please. Black.

It's black.

That's bull's-eye.

That's the bull's-eye.
You've got a bull's-eye.

That's bull's-eye.

It's bull's-eye again.

Bull's-eye.
Bull's-eye.

How long left?

I think infinity.

It's most moves.

I'm going to try for the right foot.

And is.
Right foot.

So right foot,
we want brown or pink.

Brown. So your right foot... Yeah.
OK.

Uh, we need a knee on black please,
unfortunately, in there.

Oh, no. Oh, shit.

Bit of a problem here.
That might not be possible.

That is the end
of your first movement.

Now if you all switch round
one place.

What, that's the first part?

No, I'm only joking.

APPLAUSE

The bottle was a bit of a set-up
really, wasn't it?

It's just to make you look like
a prick. Yeah.

Yeah, he knows what he's doing.
If you can't throw a bottle.

Yeah, but it's very hard.

You did pick your positions.

I was forced into mine
by the darts champion.

That is true. I mean, fair play,
he's good at darts.

Yeah. He's good at darts.
Genuinely impressive, wasn't it?

Yeah. I'm not sure we got
to test how nimble you were.

Um, in fairness...

So how many moves? Like,
I was in that dome for a good...

Hour.
...hour.

So how many different moves
did they manage to do?

A total of 43.

Wow!
APPLAUSE

So five points to the team of three.

And what shall I give
these poor fuckers?

The old man and the little boy.

Five?

It's a thought.

Two points - let's call it charity.
Five and two.

Well, there we go. Two points, and
five points to the team of three.

APPLAUSE

Right, can we get going
with another task, please?

Ooh! Yes, of course, and, hey,

remember what happened earlier on
in the show?

Hello, Alex.
Hello, John.

Right, here we are.
"To Nick. From Sophie."

Is this the hamper?

I put one together for John,
I think.

Aw! "To Steve. From Joanne."
Is this a gift?

Do you remember making one of them?

I don't.
Nah.

Oh, right, it's from Nick.
That's handy.

Is it...? Was it..? Is it colour...?

Is it colour-coded for a reason?

Red. He thinks I'm angry?

Or sexual.

Oh, wow. Shall I?

"Create a picture of the person
that gave you this hamper..."

"..using the contents
of this hamper."

"Best hamper picture wins.
You have 15 minutes."

"Create a picture of the person..."
So, like...

Yeah, this is your canvas.

Ah, OK. OK. OK.

"You have 15 minutes.
Your time starts now." Fab.

I've already got a human head,

which is a great start
for any likeness.

Got two trifles, a baguette.

A lovely little
red bit of carpet.

Uh, I met Steve years ago,
and I was with my grandad,

and they actually have
the same face.

They've got the same nose.
It goes up.

I would say he's quite romantic.

Is that because there are
some roses in the hamper?

Yeah.
Yeah.

OK, she has an hourglass figure.

Ah!

I think that's sort of going to
be our background. Lovely.

Well, we're going to start
with his tuxedo.

A lovely round face.

We could always have this
to prop up the head,

because, you know,
behind every head, there is a skull.

Oh, no, do you know what?
That's his tongue cos he's

a smart guy.

I'd say he could cut you.

With his tongue?
Yeah.

A ski slope nose, you see?

Oh, no.

That's the shape of her.

Oh, you DO know what
she looks like.

I need to make sure
the face is there.

Very important, yeah.

She has lovely blonde hair,

and luckily we have something
roughly the right shade.

I'm going to make his testicles
the roses.

Like, I think he's respectful
in the sack.

That's what they indicate.

And I think it's going to have
to be beans for the face.

Oh, look, it's even sticking
to the thing

because of the banana slime.

Just like her actual hair.

Just like...
STEVE LAUGHS

And obviously Sophie's famously got
those bright orange eyes.

Oh, the cushion?
That's again for under here.

He's the kind of guy who'd offer
a cushion if you needed

to be on your knees around him.
He's a romantic.

I mean, it's not actually turning
out to be that bad, I have to say.

It's not actually going too badly.
Right.

It's not bad.

I don't think that's bad.

No, you've said that 12 times now.

Cos I know John has
a certain "je ne sais quoi."

Exactly what these crisps are.

I feel like Neil Buchanan, actually.

Cos she's obviously not blue.
Oh, she smells, doesn't she?

She DOES smell, doesn't she?

She's trying desperately
to cover that bald spot up.

I do the centre of the eye.

Any legs for John, or not really?

I haven't seen him walking around
much, to be honest.

A lot going on.

Yeah, I think that's lovely.

He shouldn't have a hat on,
should he?

I don't think.

No.
Thanks, Sophie.

Yeah. Really good.
Fabulous, thank you.

APPLAUSE

Yet again... I know.
...Grandad is slammed.

Unbelievable, isn't it?
It's incredible, innit? Yeah.

And is there any truth that he
looked like... He met my grandad!

I did meet Sophie's grandad at a do.

I do actually have the photo. Yeah.
Well, then let us be the judge.

Aw!

You're right! They have sort of
got a similar face.

He was sloshed that night, actually.
Nearly got kicked out. Did he?

Well, he insulted Melvyn Bragg
from across the room. Did he?

LAUGHTER
He just screamed at him,

"I've got your book, I fell asleep,
it was shite."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It was awful!

Right, time for the last ad break.

And remember, one of today's prizes
is an ice cube.

We'll see you in a minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster!

It's the final part of the show,
and our contestants have had to

make portraits of each other
using the contents of a hamper.

Yes, but have the hampers
hampered them?

Well, let's start with
Steve's portrait of Joanne.

I love it!
Yeah, I'm pleased with that.

Highlights look good.
You're blow-drying your hair.

Oh, yeah.
Is she? How's she...? Oh, she is!

Yeah, she's blow-drying her hair.

Yes. There's a lot of detail in it.
I love it!

What's going on with her top lip?
Is it me?

Yeah, she's looking in the mirror,
she's, like, giving it all...

..."Suck it off."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I would say one detail
you can't see there is that,

underneath the face, there is a
skull. Yeah.

Which is quite a detail.

That is nice, isn't it?

Memento mori. "Remember...

GRADUAL LAUGHTER

"..we are all going to die."

Yeah, and I'm not reminded enough
of my own mortality, Steve,

you're right. Well, I fucking
have been tonight. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Who's next? We've seen
Steve's picture of Joanne,

now it's Joanne's picture of John.

I like it cos it looks like
a memorial to me.

I think it looks someone who's
dropped a hamper.

Well, it's, uh,...

My understanding was it was
the essence of John,

and I knew John to be a very
sweet, romantic man,

so that's kind of what I went with,
and also...

That's not what I heard
in your earlier description.

APPLAUSE

It's a real man puts down a cushion,
Greg, I can tell you.

And roses for hands.
Roses for hands! Yes.

And testicles.
LAUGHTER

Good. Well, who's next?

OK, so now it's John's turn.
Let's see his picture of Nick.

Oh!

Well, I wanted to represent
the magic in Nick's career,

so he is bursting out of a bin.

LAUGHTER

So I used the flour
to create the tuxedo,

and his face is made of beans.

LAUGHTER

I love the way you've caught
the thick chinstrap that Nick wears.

Good. Who's next?

OK, well, obviously it's now
Nick's picture of Sophie.

LAUGHTER

I genuinely don't think
that's too bad.

He's captured an energy of sorts.

Yeah. Baffled.

Yeah. Yeah.

If you imagine that face turning
round to you and going, "Huh?"

LAUGHTER

OK. OK.

One more. This is how Sophie Willan
sees Steve Pemberton.

LAUGHTER

Yours is really good, Sophie.
That's really good.

APPLAUSE

I look like a Mr Man.
LAUGHTER

I just saw it and went, "Yes."

OK, well, here are all five
of the portraits.

Well, honestly, I don't think
Joanne's necessarily captured

the man.
There was some detail in there,

I'm going to give it two points,
not one. Oh.

Ah, thank you.
I'm giving John three points.

Then I think I'm going to give Nick

and Steve four points,

because I just think that Sophie...

Yes!

I think Sophie has captured the man, somehow.

So that's five points
to Sophie Willan!

What are the scores? The scores...

Well, it's very satisfying,
it goes 16, 15, 14, 13,

10 for Nick.

LAUGHTER

And it's Steve at the top
at the moment.

It looks like this. Let's have
a look. SOPHIE: Come on!

APPLAUSE

Well done!

Well, it's that time again.
Please make your way

to the stage for the final task
of the show!

APPLAUSE

Hello, you lovely boy.
Oh, thanks, Greg.

It's a team task.
I know.

One member from each team must
stand on the gold circles beneath.

Team of two, who's going to stand
on the golden circle?

Me. Team of three, who's going to
stand on the golden circle?

I am.
Ah, Joanne.

Please, Joanne and Nick, make your
way down to the golden circles.

Not that way! Oh. No, that way...

You, that way, yes, but not...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who will be reading
the team task out?

I would like Sophie
to read the task.

"Completely cover your team-mate
in rubber rings.

"Catchers must face the Taskmaster
at all times

"with their hands above their head.

"Throwers must stay behind
the white line.

"First team to completely cover
their team-mate

"in rubber rings wins."

He'll be gone in three rings.

LAUGHTER

Not with my hands in the air,
surely!

I mean, Nick's a three-ring man.
He's a three-ring man!

Greg, I'm going to come down into
the trough to retrieve the rings

and fling them back, and then I'll
blow the whistle and we'll start,

but the hands must be above
the head. Good.

And we can't go past
this white line?

You can't go past. If anyone
catches you going over this line,

your team will be disqualified.
Right.

Greg, when's the game over?

The game is only over if I shout,
"I cannot see Nick,"

or, "I cannot see Joanne."

OK. Flingers, get ready.
OK, good luck, hands up.

Head back, head back.
Hands up. Let's go.

WHISTLE BLOWS
- And we're off.
- Oh!

You can move, Joanne,
once they're on.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Don't cross that line, Sophie.
I'm not!

Yes!
We have one over here.

Good.

Argh! Oh, hands up,
hands up at all times.

Oh, they're catching up.

Lean back.

AUDIENCE GROANS

CHEERS
Oh, it's close, it's close!

Oh, God!

I can just see a little bit
of Nick!

Yes!

I cannot see Nick!
I cannot see Nick!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was electric.
Right, let's free them,

and let's add that to the final
scores. Come and join me.

APPLAUSE

Well. It was so close. So close!

Fine margins,
it's all about fine margins.

It's all about fine margins.

You want to see some fine margins?
JOANNE GASPS, AUDIENCE GROANS

If you're going to show me margins,
you make them fine.

Have a look at this fine margin.

Oh!

Well, I think what I can see there...
Oh, that's Steve.

...is a foot that's
a little bit over the line.

Please, please. I mean,
I'm not sure it's conclusive.

But I can show you this one. Yeah.

Well, that would be another
foot over the line, would it?

That was about 20 seconds later,
or I could show you this one.

Oh, a third? Oh, my...

Steve!

I'm sorry.
No, don't worry.

You don't have to disqualify us.

You think I don't have to follow
the rules of the competition, Steve?

Yeah, I do.
I think it's your rules, your game.

Well, as much as it breaks my heart,
rules are rules.

I'm afraid Nick and Steve
are disqualified.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Listen, don't start @-ing me.

We said what the rule was -

if you cross the line,
you're disqualified

so I'm afraid it's five points
to the team of three.

Wow, and poor old Nick...

I know. I mean, I was at
the bottom anyway, but still.

LAUGHTER

And not just the episode,
the series.

The series as well, yeah.
You're on 72 points. Yeah.

The next one's on 83.
That's Sophie. 98 to Steve,

Joanne's on 105, John's on 113.

Joanne's doing really well.

Yeah, you shouldn't seem surprised
at one person.

LAUGHTER

No, I'm not... Not surprised,

like, genuinely proud.
I think it's brilliant.

So tell me some scores.

That's put the cat amongst
the pigeons, so to speak.

Again. Yes, Nick is rooted
on ten points.

You can't get much lower than that.

LAUGHTER

But with double that score,
it's her first victory.

20 points goes to Joanne McNally.
Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ah!

Joanne McNally is the winner
of episode six!

Please go and get your things
you can get into.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So what have we learnt
from today's show?

We've learnt it's exciting being
part of a big show like this,

just as it's exciting being part of
a new phenomena, OK?

Because, let's face it, it's not
going to be long

until the number one Christmas game
is going to be

Mustard, Custard, Oh, My.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But, of course, it's all about
the winner of episode six.

It's Joanne McNally!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media