Original subtitles

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My God! Isn’t it awesome, having an iPad?

Where’s your iPad? Right, you’re not cool enough.

You see my iPad?

Funny, you don’t seem to have one. I thought your family was rich!

You dumbasses play four square, ’cause you don’t have iPads!

What should I do on my iPad next? I’ll email some of my friends.

Wait, maybe I’ll download some more cool apps.

This is so awesome!

Tom Saltzman says you don’t really have an iPad.

What?

Tom Saltzman says you glued a piece of glass to an iPad cover,

and you’re faking it.

Tom Saltzman’s dad is an alcoholic who drinks and drives!

Let me see your iPad.

Seriously! Tom’s dad is a drunk driver.

He ran over Joey Potts’ dog,

because Joey can’t take care of his animals,

which is why he gets beat by his mom!

– Let us see your iPad. – No, because it just ran out of power!

– So, plug it in. – I left my charger at home!

Fine! I’m gonna charge my iPad and bring it tomorrow,

and you guys are gonna feel really stupid!

Good going! You’ve completely screwed me over!

What happened?

You said I had to wait till my birthday to get an iPad.

So, the one I rubbed in everyone’s faces today isn’t real,

and tomorrow, everyone’s gonna call me a liar.

Would you mind loaning me some of your lipstick?

Because I wanna at least look pretty the next time you decide to fuck me!

You see? I can take my homework on my iPad,

and swipe it over to my iPhone.

Apple stuff’s pretty neat, all right.

I just don’t want any big company tracking where I am at all times.

That’s just a rumor. They don’t really track you.

Here he is!

We’re from Apple. We’re all ready for you.

– Ready for what? – To fulfill the agreement.

– Can we get a weight? – 83 pounds.

What agreement?

83 pounds, good. Let’s get the blood work.

– You can’t do that! – You agreed we could.

– What are you talking about? – When you updated iTunes,

a window asked if you agreed to our conditions, you clicked “Agree.”

Let’s get him to the water tank.

The water tank? I’m not going with you!

You’ve agreed to all of this!

You guys! You gotta help me.

These business casual g-men are trying to kidnap me!

It’s crazy!

They’re saying it’s because I agreed to the latest conditions on iTunes.

What did the conditions for the last update say?

I don’t know. I didn’t read them!

You didn’t read them?

Who the hell reads that entire thing every time it pops up?

– I do. – Me too.

You’re telling me that every time you download an update for iTunes,

you read the entire terms and conditions?

– Of course. – How do you agree to something

if you don’t read it?

I turned off my Apple stuff.

They can’t locate you if you don’t have your stuff on, right?

There he is!

– Dad, I need a lawyer! – What are you doing here?

If you agree to something you didn’t mean to, what do you do?

It’s the agreeing party’s responsibility to know what they are signing.

It’s eight pages long, and they send me a new one every three weeks…

Calm down. You’re safe with daddy.

Here he is.

– Come on, you. – What is going on?

Your son has made a binding agreement with Apple.

An agreement to do what?

Apple’s inner workings are top secret. You know how it is.

I don’t know how it is. I use a PC!

You what?

– Come on, let’s go. – Let him go!

– Dad! You tasered my dad! – You said we could.

WiFi + 3G, 64-gig. This one!

Sweetie, $900?

I can’t wait to see Kyle’s stupid face

when he sees mine has more memory than his!

We can’t afford that one.

You don’t expect me to get the WiFi only 16-gig version?

We need to get you a different brand. They’re a little cheaper.

Everyone knows that everything but Apple is stupid!

Here, look at this one. Toshiba Handibook.

Toshiba Handibook?

This says it does everything the iPad does at half the price.

Do not screw me over again!

If I take that, everyone will think I’m a poverty stricken asshole!

Stop acting like a spoiled brat.

You can have the Toshiba Handibook, or you can have nothing at all.

I’ve got a better idea.

Why don’t you go across the street and buy some condoms?

Because we should at least be safe if you’re gonna fuck me!

You might as well buy cigarettes too,

because I like to have a smoke after I get fucked.

You wanna fuck me, just say so!

Go ahead, here!

Go ahead, fuck me, right here in the Best Buy!

You wanna fuck your son, go on! Fuck me!

Stop crying.

I told you if you kept acting up, you weren’t getting anything.

But I told you I was sorry.

You made me look like a child molester in front of all those people!

I wasn’t trying to get you in trouble.

Then why did you go outside to a police officer

and say, “Help, help, my mom is trying to fuck me”?

Wait, I get it now.

The f-word is a no-no word, and I shouldn’t say it around people.

I’m sorry.

If you’re really sorry, you’ll understand

why you aren’t getting anything.

That doesn’t really have any logical sense,

because I’m already being punished by not getting the iPad.

Please, can we go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?

Then could we at least pull up here and get some dinner?

I like to be wined and dined after I’ve been fucked!

What are you gonna do to us?

What is this? What’s going on?

You agreed to the iTunes terms and conditions too?

What?

I just clicked “Agree.” I didn’t read it.

I was in a hurry…

I didn’t know what I was agreeing to.

I can’t even read Engrish!

Shut up in there! You all agreed to stay quiet.

Let me out!

This is a mistake. I agreed by accident!

You can’t agree by accident. There’s a fail-safe built in.

Even if you click on “Agree,” another little window pops up

that says “Are you sure,” and you have to click again.

What are you going to do to us?

Everything that you agreed to in the iTunes conditions.

We didn’t read them!

Right!

Who just agrees to something they don’t read?

And now, the president of Apple: Steve Jobs.

Hello, everyone.

I’m here to announce a new product that will once again revolutionize

the way we use our phones and tablet devices.

Let’s hear it for our volunteers!

These three people have agreed

to be brought here, handcuffed to these beds,

and become the prototype of our first truly interfaced device.

What?

They have actually agreed to be surgically altered.

Their lips will be removed,

and they will be sown together, mouth to anus.

What?

You agreed to this. Mouth to anus.

So that the feces from the gastral tract from one

will enter the mouth of the little boy.

And he agreed this was okay.

Enter the mouth of the little boy,

leading through his anus to the mouth of the female,

who completely agreed, they all agreed,

which will then go to a tablet device

making a product that is part human and part centipede

and part web browser and part emailing device!

I give you… the HumanCentiPad.

I should have never updated iTunes!

“You agree that Apple may charge your credit card or PayPal account

“for any products purchased in iTunes.”

Can somebody please explain to me what is going on?

We’re trying to find out what Kyle agreed to.

There can’t be anything

that allows a company to do what they’re talking about.

Here it is.

“By clicking ‘Agree,’ you are also acknowledging

“that Apple may sew your mouth to the butthole of another user.”

“Apple and its subsidiaries may also, if necessary,

“sew yet another person’s mouth onto your butthole,

“making you a being that shares one gastral tract.”

I’m gonna click on… “Decline.”

That does it! I’m going to the police.

– For what? – To find out where Apple

is keeping my son!

When the police want to know where somebody is, they ask Apple.

The only way to fix all this is by going to the highest authority on the planet.

You guys, we’ll have to ask help from…

the Geniuses.

The Geniuses.

All right, good.

Looks good. Great work.

Really nice.

I remember when the first version of the iPad came out.

People couldn’t believe how easy it was

to take their videos, music and photos and all their shit,

and share it with other people,

who could do the same with all their shit.

The only thing the iPad couldn’t do was walk or read.

Until now.

What’s that you’re saying?

You want out? Are you saying you want out?

Fine, you don’t wanna be part of this, then sign right here.

You didn’t read it!

This says we don’t have to let you out and we can do whatever we want.

Dammit, why won’t it read?

It’s probably low on power. We should feed it.

All right, here you go.

I will not eat,

if they are forced to eat my poo!

Perhaps I didn’t mention,

it’s a bean and cheese burrito from Paco’s.

Sorry, Kyle.

I tried to resist, but burrito is too delicious.

We have to unveil this thing tomorrow. It better be reading by then.

Feel sick.

Today on Dr. Phil,

the tragic story of a little boy

whose mother constantly tries to fuck him.

I want you to meet Eric Cartman,

who is a very special boy with a very hard life.

You say that your mom fucks you?

She fucks me so hard.

Does this happen often? Does she fuck you a lot?

Filipino hookers don’t get fucked the way I do.

I know this is difficult for you to talk about,

but where was the last time your mother fucked you?

At Best Buy.

Your mother fucked you at Best Buy?

And people saw her doing this?

And they didn’t do anything?

Stop it!

There she is!

You come home right now!

Why do you think it’s okay to fuck your son?

I don’t!

She does it all the time!

She fucked me on Christmas. She fucked me on my birthday.

The least you could do is kiss me first.

I like to be kissed before I get fucked!

You fuck your son, and you won’t even give him a kiss?

If I was gonna fuck my son, I’d kiss him first.

We have a very special gift we wanna give you.

An iPad?

Gerald Broflovski.

The Geniuses will see us now.

When you speak to the Geniuses, keep your questions to the point.

The Geniuses do not like those who waste their time.

My name is Leslie. I’ll be your Genius.

Genius Leslie, we have a problem, and we seek your wisdom.

What problems are you experiencing?

My son was kidnapped by Apple,

and they’re holding him against his will!

I’m sorry you’re having trouble with that.

Could I have his Apple ID?

Sixtyniningchipmunks@me.com.

What the heck is this for?

I see.

I might need to bring another Genius in on this.

This guy’s son was abducted by us.

Should I run a stock check, or just give him store credit?

I don’t want store credit. I want my son back!

This says he agreed to be taken

and made part of any experiments Apple wants to perform.

But it’s all a mistake. He actually didn’t read the agreement.

He didn’t read it?

We know. It’s preposterous.

So, just give them store credit?

So sorry, Kyle, but I am starving.

Which would you rather I eat?

Should I eat a cuttlefish and asparagus,

or the vanilla paste?

Cuttlefish and asparagus?

Very well, I will eat the cuttlefish.

Come on, guys, go!

We’re here to help you.

Thank you!

Come on, hurry! We have an ambulance outside.

Try to stay calm. We’ll get you separated right away.

Please hurry.

That cuttlefish and asparagus is not sitting well.

We got it.

Can you take this apart?

To perform surgery, I need permission.

Sign this release, so we can operate.

Dammit! It didn’t read it!

End the simulation!

What is wrong with you?

Why can’t you get the HumanCentiPad to read?

Sorry, we really thought we’d get it to read, this time.

Cuttlefish is about to come out of my asshole!

Here it comes. It’s going to be a lot.

Hold on, Kyle.

I believe in you!

And you should be able to do a customer check.

That should do it.

Sorry Apple kidnapped your friend.

– But we have it all cleared up. – You do?

We got you a replacement friend. You should be all good to go.

Hi, guys!

We don’t want a replacement friend!

We’re gonna have to bring more Geniuses in on this.

We should have a Quickening with all the Geniuses.

I’ll summon the counsel.

If you guys just wait here a sec. We’re gonna have a Quickening.

See what we can do for you.

Do you know if your friend has a Verizon or AT&T mobile number

associated with his .me account?

Verizon.

It’s a big exciting day for Mac Apple users,

the unveiling of the first HumanCentiPad.

As part of a clear PR stunt,

Apple has joined up with Best Buy and Dr. Phil

to donate the first CentiPad

to a needy boy who was raped by his mother.

In all my years, I’ve never heard a more tragic story

than that of Eric Cartman.

And I want to thank the Apple company

for helping us make today a very special day for him.

And as president of Best Buy,

I want to assure you that a child will never get fucked

in one of our stores again.

When Dr. Phil contacted us at Apple with Eric’s story,

we knew we had to get on board.

And so,

here is your very own HumanCentiPad!

Cool!

No way!

It does email and web browsing and it shits in Kyle’s mouth?

This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!

But, can it read?

Don’t worry.

It took a while, but I’m pretty sure it has finally learned to read.

Hasn’t it?

What the hell are they doing now?

They’re performing the Toran Ra. It’s future stuff.

That’s it!

I’ve had about enough with iCrap and me clouds

and a counsel of Geniuses with all their future…

It’s OK, the Toran Ra has revealed the answer.

We can retroactively make your son’s agreement invalid.

Finally! How do we do that?

It’s very easy. You’ll simply need to join Apple.

I don’t want to join Apple, I like my PC.

But if you join, we can make his account into a family account,

then you have to iApprove all his agreements.

It’s not that dig a deal.

Will you stop resisting and join the rest of us in the future?

All right, fine! I’ll sign up with Apple.

Do you agree to let Apple track your location at all times?

I agree.

Do you agree to give Apple access to your personal information,

including your favorite movies, songs and books?

I agree.

Do you agree to care about your membership,

and prove that you care buy purchasing AppleCare?

Dude, HumanCentiPad is awesome!

We have a problem.

We have to take it apart? The boy’s agreement isn’t valid?

Sorry, we have to recall this.

What? That’s mine!

I don’t care what the Geniuses say. I’m trying to create the future, here!

We are all trying to create the future.

I’m part of the future now too.

I have sat with the counsel of Geniuses,

performed the Toran Ra, and I’ve even been to me.

You’ve done so much for the world.

You have helped connect everyone to each other.

Clearly this is the future.

But can’t we just slow down and enjoy the present,

a little longer?

You know something?

I agree.

Come on, we’ll get you separated, little boy.

You won’t be eating Japanese food for a while, huh?

What is this, some kind of sick prank?

I get the greatest thing ever to have it taken away?

Why did you do this to me, God?

Next time you get my hopes up, take me to a grease monkey, please.

I like to get lubed up before I get fucked!

Some lube would be nice. Or at least a courtesy lick.

How about a little courtesy lick, next time you decide to fuck me?