Original subtitles

Open the register or I start shooting!

Are you peeing your pants?

Yeah, it's my reaction of fear.

When I'm scared, I urinate until my bladder's empty.

That's why I'm no longer allowed at the AMC.

- What? - Well, this is the longest robbery I've ever been on.

How about you guys?

Trying to be a fucking hero, bro?

- We need a hero. - No, no. No. Don't.

To die in battle is all I've ever truly craved.

Tonight, we all die heroes.

Ah, shit.

Hey, Bruno!

Yeah, good to hear from you too, man. Listen--

Yes, I'll say "hi" to Lacy for you.

Um, so, about the sale--

Well, you know, I, I thought I said

I wasn't necessarily sure if I--

I mean, you gotta make it sound like I don't have a choice.

Now, now that sounds like a threat.

- Oh, man. - Dude.

Have to show you this!

Violet ran the numbers.

We made money.

Wow, good! Listen, man.

I don't know if you know this, but I don't think anyone would blame us

if we decided to sell this place.

I can set up some interviews,

see if there's anybody who's interested.

- Maybe somebody with cash! - No.

Maybe there's a world where I did take a meeting with someone

and hypothetically, uh, things started to escalate quickly.

Mm, don't freaking do that. 'Cause we got the big tournament this weekend,

right? It's gonna be great, okay?

And Violet did a great job with the online store.

Yo, gross, dude. Put your boner away.

I don't-- I don't have a freaking boner, Elliot. Okay?

- And I respect Violet's mind. - I know, kind of seems like it's time

- for a boner check. - No, stop.

- Hello! - Elliot, it's not-- Stop. I don't have a boner, Elliot.

- El-- Stop. Stop! I don't have a boner... - Boner alert. Boner alert.

- Uh, boner-- - ...for a boner-- Elliot, stop!

- It's not-- - Gimme that dick, boy!

- Elliot-- - Come here.

Get off of me!

Gimme your boner, Elliot. Fuck--

Hey, Violet.

We were just going over co-bo--

co-owner stuff.

I have three brothers.

Never seen them interested in each other's boners.

Well, it's not just brothers, it's, like, friends too.

- We check everybody's boners-- I, I'd check your boner too... - Dude--

- ...if you want me-- - You really gonna do that?

I-- No, I don't-- I don't want, I don't wanna do that.

Cool. So everyone has questions about the tournament this weekend,

- whenever... this is done. - Yeah.

Great, thanks!

Damn, Elliot.

- Boner check! - N-- Stop!

No! God, no.

You know, you don't need those apps

if you're looking for one-v-one quickie.

Quickie?

Your dick takes longer to get hard

than COD takes to download.

Heads up, the brothers are being real weird today.

Okay, are you good to tell them that they all have to stay late tonight?

- Because you can't cave on this. - Yeah.

Yeah, I won't cave.

Very good. You want a good cop, bad cop?

That's a good idea. But I want bad cop.

Everyone needs to know that I'm a scary boss and I demand respect.

- I just don't think that that's gonna go-- - Circle up!

Oh, okay. And we're doing it.

- Where's Zack? - Zachary shan't be joining us tonight.

- But fear not for Snoutess, King of the Hobgoblins, is here. - What the fuck?

- Yeah, I forgot. He's got his LARPing thing tonight. - Indeed!

Tonight, the King of Pigs shall paint the grass of Woodbridge Park Range

with the blood of its foes!

- Hey, bad cop, you wanna step in here? - Yeah. Uh, Zack.

Hey, man, listen. Gonna need you to stay tonight.

We had a lot more people, uh, join for the weekend tournament,

- it's gonna be kind of big, so-- - Nay-nay. The Empire of Pigs

will crumble without their king.

Zack, I'm gonna...

...gonna need you to please take the mask off.

Oh!

There. But I will be staying in character and taking my early reprieve.

Yeah, I have a conflict too. It's Lance and I's anniversary,

- and I, I told you guys about this. - Hah!

Skip that shit. That guy sucks.

- Lacy. - What? Sorry.

I mean, I call him like I see him,

and every time I see him,

he's drinking a PRIME energy drink

and talking about his fantasy football team.

Jake, I told you guys about this.

U-- uh, yeah, you did say that. And it's fine,

I... definitely want you to go celebrate with your boyfriend.

Bullshit! You said we were gonna be beasting all night.

You can't let this bitch call last game.

- Bro! - If anybody gets to quit the game early, it's me.

I've been putting up the numbers, I've been fucking working overtime.

- Staying late to play free games is not overtime. - Yo, eat a dick, narc.

Nobody cares about your mouth queefs.

Bad cop,

- I'm gonna need you to shut their shit down. - Okay,

you know what, everybody shut up!

If you guys don't listen what my brother and I say,

when we say it, I will be... very, very disappointed.

- That was fucking hilarious. - I told you

this whole "bad cop thing" wasn't gonna work out.

Well, I don't see any good copping happening right now, Elliot.

Because there's nothing good here!

All they do is fucking complain and make shit harder for us.

Your mom likes it harder.

And they don't respect us.

They think they deserve a fucking pizza party

after making a couple of dollars one day!

Pizza party would actually be great.

Lacy, you don't work here.

I would like a pizza party.

- What the fuck? - Fuck, yes! A pizza party!

Let's get your mom, AKA a deep dish meat lovers.

No, no, no! No pizza party!

What? Stop gaslighting us!

You know what? These are officially unfair working conditions.

Lacy, you do not work here!

I identify as an employee.

Are we not to celebrate a trusted gift already promised?

Let me make this clear. If we spend the few dollars we made on pizza,

then we have no dollars! Does that make sense?

I mean, what's the point of making money if you can't have a pizza party.

Jake, I don't know why you're arguing with me.

You can have pizza. You are the boss.

They can't have pizza!

Perhaps a parlay is in order, fellows.

- Bro, are your parents fucking related? - Yes.

Enough with the saying shit like that. You two, come back to reality.

Dude, they're just having fun, you should try it.

No! No fun!

Everybody stays late! Nobody leaves early!

Unless you'd like to leave now for good!

- That was really good bad copping, Elliot. - Shut the fuck up.

No one move. Well, I'm-- it's a quick bone--

Quick owner meeting, okay? Elliot!

Mutiny time. We've been top of the leaderboard every day...

...and now they wanna hack our servers to make us stay late and starve?

- We're not gonna starve. - Mute it or boot it, bitch.

We all know Jake will call in whatever kill streak you ask for.

We are the bosses, Jake.

Right now, they have no boundaries. They expect us to cave

every time they wanna fuck their boyfriends or dress like a pig in the park.

- I didn't get the night off either! - Oh, and you seem so torn up

about not seeing your boyfriend. You're full of shit.

It's okay if you made him up, Violet. We all do that.

I'm gonna go work so I can try to get off at a decent time.

Have a nice mutiny.

Have fun being a team killer.

Otherwise, we're gonna have to sell this place, which is still on the table

if it is an option that you would like to explore.

- I-- - No, it's not an option I wanna explore, okay?

Look, you're right, okay? I-- I can do it.

I say we let the FBI do our dirty work.

I can plant some nasty shit on their computer.

What? Where you gonna get it? The dark web?

- No, my computer. - Oh.

G-- just listen to my call outs, all right?

- Objective A is the pizza party. - Mm-hmm.

And once we get that, we move to objective B,

which is getting us all raises.

And then objective C is getting them

to allow us to have sex in the store again.

- Never gonna happen. - Oh, I think he meant me.

What the fuck? On me!

You sure you can do this?

Yes.

I'm going with Elliot. These tournaments are too important.

- We're all staying late tonight. - Well, good luck with that

'cause we're on strike until our demands are met.

What demands?

- Pizza party! - Store sex!

- I mean, pizza party. - No pizza parties, okay?

We came here to work. That's what we're gonna do.

If you don't wanna work, you can leave now.

I marked him. Go for Jake.

Sorry, Aaron. Um, I really need this job.

My mom just cut off my allowance, and well, that pig mask cost me $600.

I know a sinking ship when I see one. Peace.

Fuck this! You rage quitters!

- And you two. - What? We have small dicks?

Yes! You do!

And you suck. Fuck this, I'm taking a mental health day.

What? C-- can he do that?

Um, yes, he can. He hasn't used up any of those yet.

- I'm gonna take a mental health day-- - Nope.

You used up all yours last weekend.

What, dude? I was literally in the mental hospital.

You used your days! Right, Jake?

Sorry, Zack. Tough love.

- Does anyone know how to open the register? - You gotta karate chop it.

You want me to karate chop the register to open it?

Yeah, karate chop it. Just chop it right in the sweet spot.

Slap that hoe like she owe you money.

Okay. Lacy,

what did we say about talking like that?

That I'm letting down females everywhere, I'm really sorry.

Hey.

Nobody uses cash anymore.

Right. Right, right. Let's just make this happen by 3:00 p.m. Okay.

Oh, my God. Hey, babe.

I'm trying to get this deal pushed through.

I'm about to get Caleb Williams for a second-string tight end.

Are you kidding me? Oh, my G--

You didn't go through that phase in college?

Huh?

Nothing.

Bye!

Fucking sucks.

Um, uh, we actually have to set up

for this big tournament we're doing this weekend, so--

Yeah, sorry about that.

Your plans sounded really nice, though.

Yeah, Violet was gonna cook for us.

Oh, she's great at it too, you know?

Except I sit there like a dog and beg

while she's cooking naked!

Feed me the scraps!

Okay. Uh, D-- uh, I don't think he needs to hear all of the details.

Um, well, hey, don't worry about it. Like, me and the boys,

we'll just go rip Skee-Ball at Dave and Buster's, you know.

Oh, and they asked me earlier, but I said I couldn't, right?

Girlfriend stuff to do, so.

But if you're busy now, then we can both win, so--

Yeah, feeling like a winner right now.

I'll bring you home some buffalo mac and cheese too.

- You can feed it to me. Earmuffs. - Mm.

Uh, we can still have our anniversary sex later, right?

- Yep. - Oh, hell yeah!

I'm obsessed with this girl! I want everybody to know that!

All right, good luck with all the work stuff.

So, you like to cook?

Dude, uh--

Onions? Ugh.

Gosh! Cool.

Still bummed you're missing your nerd orgy tonight?

Yes. Wait, how did you know about the post-war Festival of Flesh?

You think I haven't dabbled in little dick from the dork side?

These things only happen, like, three times a year, and... it's important to me.

It's the only time you ever get your little pigtail wet!

All I can say is it's good to be the king.

But also, in the real world,

everyone ignores me or offers their unfavorable opinion of my physical appearance.

I stopped listening.

Did our little chat help you at all?

- No. - I'm so glad.

Nobody fucking move!

No!

Hands in the fucking air!

Put the money in that bag.

W-- uh, we, we, we, we don't have anything. We, we, we had a soft opening

- and, and no-- n-- no one uses cash. - Shut up!

Bro, let this happen. Robbery is covered under insurance.

- We could make a lot of money. - What?

I said shut the fuck up!

Open the register or I start shooting.

Okay, okay, I'm just-- I'm gonna go for the register.

You have to karate chop!

Karate chop? You're trying to be a hero, bro?

Nope. Okay, uh, hold on.

- Open that shit. Now! - Dude.

Wish I could, man.

The fuck is this shit?

You're being robbed! Get down on the ground.

I only get on the ground for a tactical slide or when I'm on Zack's mom.

Mother would never allow it!

Aaron, he's got a gun.

Yeah, Aaron, do you wanna get shot?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up.

Do what he says. Don't be a hero.

Oh, my God! Did everyone forget to put their tampons in today?

Do you wanna fuck around?

I'll fuck around and find out.

You have a USP. That is the micro penis of pistols.

Takes, like, 15 shots to down someone with that piece of shit.

And your dumbass didn't even add attachments.

Who is this guy? Oh! Oh, shit!

Hostage attack!

Please... [mumbling] Jesus--

Uh-- get off of me!

Looks like I'm the high-value target now, motherfucker.

- Dude, give it back. - You should've put a suppressor on this.

Or at least gone dual pistols akimbo style.

This gun you picked, it has the worst hip fire accuracy.

Ever heard of a Desert Eagle?

- Fucking noob! - Yeah, Aaron.

G-- get outta here before we call the cops, man.

U-- but take some things on your way out.

- Shut up, limp dick! - What are you doing?

I'm surprised you even spoke without asking your baby brother if you're allowed to.

Why are you pointing that at us, you idiot?

You shut up too.

My brother brought me

a video game store! My life sucks!

Oh, we're having magic tournaments now...

and we're canceling pizza parties!

I'll point the gun at whoever I want,

'cause guess what, motherfucker, I'm the captain now.

Wow. Even in situations like this,

you can't stop being delusional!

You just pissed off the wrong 20th Prestige, asshole.

- What are you doing? - What are you--

That's what you get for crying like a baby bitch.

- Baby bitch. - Uh, gimme the fucking cash

and I'll get the fuck outta here!

Yeah, give him the fucking cash!

- And gimme that RC-XD. - What?

We're capturing your flag co-op style!

Now gimme that fucking RC-XD.

Open the fucking register so I can get away from you psychos!

- Okay. - Do it!

It's really hard to get on alone.

Can you just pull the skin down?

Do you really need to be the Pig King right now?

Don't draw the fire away from us.

Oh, my poor baby, Mommy's got you good.

Oh, thank you, Mommy.

Okay, okay, um...

- Karate chop. - Hurry.

- Do it! - Wow. That works.

I, I, I, I told you we-- we don't have anything!

T-- then just gimme the, the VBOX right there

- on the wall. All of them over here now. - Okay, yes.

- Yes. Yep-- - All the cards right here. Give them to me.

Nobody is getting shit until I get that RC-XD!

- Ah, yes, battle ready. - This thing has boobs.

No, those are mine.

There. Now, can you come back to our side?

First off, once the match has started, you can't switch sides.

Second, you took too long. Lag. I decided I want more.

- This isn't about you. - Bitch, are you getting your loot or not?

Cover my six and shut the fuck up.

What is this, your first fucking robbery?

- No! - It's not mine either. And I want a raise.

Hell, no. Not gonna happen.

You freaks have issues.

Bitch, back me up, he's one shot.

Fine. Give him a raise.

- Give him a raise of 20%! - Fine.

No, 10%.

- 17%. - 10%.

- Elliot. - Fifteen.

No, 10%.

Is that piss?

Yes.

You took that finishing move like a fucking champ.

Uh, thank you, dude.

Okay, is this robbery over now?

No! Not until you agree

to throw us a fucking pizza party.

I stand with Aaron.

- Pizza or death. - I did not wanna be

a part of this, but I do think we deserve a pizza party at this point.

- Fine! - Zack can go to his nerd orgy!

Wait, it was an orgy?

- And Violet could go to her anniversary. - Jake, what the fuck?

You know what? Actually, he is already at Dave and Buster's

with the boys doing Skee-Ball, so--

On your anniversary? That guy sucks.

Boom. What did I say? Even he thinks he's a loser. They can smell their own.

I get it! Lance is a moron, but the sex was really good.

Okay, can we get back to the robbery, please?

I already captured the hard point. Headshot.

I felt the weight of your gun.

It's not loaded, noob.

You strike the king.

You better kill the king!

- Charge! - Oh, okay!

Grow up so fast.

No, really, officers, thank you so much!

We really appreciate all your help.

I sure hope we can recover all of those expensive,

expensive games.

Be sure to file that insurance claim ASAP.

No, really, guys, have a good night.

This is way better than Dave and Buster's.

- Hey, what happened to Nerd Fest? - Ah, it's fine.

It happens, like, three times a year.

Objective secured.

You still eat your pizza like that?

- Save the best for last. - Yeah, you do.

Listen, man, this place isn't making enough to make sense.

I know.

I think it can.

- I just need your help. - I'm trying, man.

Go talk to her.

Think I should?

Yeah. Oh, but before you do,

- boner check! - Stop it.

Fucking dick!

- Hey, yo! - Bro, you were a pro in there.

Anytime! Get on the fucking ground!

- Here's your RC-XD as payment. - Oh, yes!

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you very much.

Hey, I'm gonna head home and, uh, hop online for some TDM.

- You wanna join? - Oh, no, I gotta fucking eat pizza with these losers.

- Oh, okay. - But I'll see you later, bro.

- Oh, all right. - Thanks again.

Yeah. Have a slice for me.

- Boo. - Oh, my God. What the--

Gimme the fucking car.

Here, here, here, here, here.

Thank you!