Original subtitles

Sara, it's a lighter. You can't kill yourself with a lighter.

Listen. I don't despise you, or find you to be loathsome specimens.

This isn't personal to me in any way.

But I've heard everything you say from a hundred other couples.

So please allow me to repeat: Compatible personalities do not exist.

When living together for an extended period, -

- you end up repressing the other person's personality.

Do yourself a favour:

Get divorced. End this misery. It'll be a mercy killing.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, Lars.

- You can't just leave! - This session is over.

Malin can set up a new appointment. Don't set fire to your hair.

Every morning he wished the door to be a window on the 12th floor.

Damn it!

- Brother. - Sister.

- What are you up to? - Spending time with someone I despise, -

- yet prefer to anyone else I've met.

You're by yourself, in other words.

- What can I do for you? - You have a date tomorrow.

- Sadly, yes. - It's not "sadly", it's good.

Besides, you need a girlfriend.

Why is this blind date different from the other 18 you've set me up for?

Dag, "blind date" doesn't mean getting blind drunk before the date.

Actually, it does. And the alternative is feeling too awkward to even show up.

- So what's her name? - I have to check my numbers...

I've left a trail of destruction working through your phone numbers.

My cats are like my kids. They're so independent and devoted.

Just like children, but with adult brains.

- Is there anything wrong? - No, no.

Carbonara, Dag? Really?

Do you have any idea how many calories there are...

I think all of Margareth Olin's movies are brilliant.

Brilliant. Take "My Body", for instance.

The way she takes a large canvas to make such a small image, -

- representing a very large body.

Dag? Dag?

They all said you were really nice.

Please understand I don't want any of this Adam and Eve stuff.

If there is no one else in the garden, just don't eat the apple.

You're just too sensitive, Dag.

I've got to go.

- Listen, I love you. - Then you're the only one. Bye.

Bye.

I've always viewed my body as a means of transporting my brain.

I've long realised I'll never be a rock star, or a great author, -

- but I have no problem with that.

Salieri once said of his relationship to Mozart that God -

- had punished him with ability to recognise, but not create greatness.

But I delight in that.

I want to hear every great song and read every great novel, and I love every second of it.

I want to devour the very best, but I don't need to share it with anyone.

It's not that I hate myself, I just really want to be alone.

Fucking hell!

- Benedikt. - Dag.

All good?

All good?

I just need to sleep here for a few hours. Can I?

- Why? - I did it.

What did you?

Hi, Benedikt Skovrand. I'm looking for Mia Ballac, who arrived an hour ago.

- Just relax. You made it. - Okay.

She's only about 4 cms. Nothing will happen for a few hours.

- Where is she? - Room 6. Just go in.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hey, you.

He's very energetic.

- A mini-Benedikt. - Please don't name him that.

I'm sure we'll agree on something.

Mia...

You're doing great.

Mia, I...

There is never a good time to say this...

I think we've...

- That we've grown apart, Mia. - Huh?

I'm just trying to do the right thing by telling you.

I just think we want different things.

For instance, you want to have kids.

I'm really sorry, Mia.

I'm...

I'm not sure...

I'm sorry... I'll just leave the flowers here.

Sorry. Call me when you get out, and we can take it from there.

You fucking idiot.

You've always told me to finish with her.

I said that two years ago! When you started humping anything that moved.

How stupid can you possibly get?

I didn't want to give her unrealistic expectations.

You've sorted that, all right.

I need some sleep. I can't go home in case my in-laws show up.

- You have to speak to her. - Dag. She's from a family -

- of Serbian butchers. There's no way I'm going home now.

It's so weird. I mean, you look normal.

I'm home!

He's in the shower. Welcome home. And thanks for this.

Eva! Hi!

Where have you been? What have you been up to?

Travelling. I've been everywhere. Like a gypsy.

- For 10 years! - Yes. I brought you this.

Jesus. Did we look like this ten years ago?

Is all of this yours?

Yes, I guess so.

- What do you do these days? - I'm a mum and work in the pet shop.

- Still? - Yes, the same one...

We live our lives as if every day was the middle one.

Hi, Theo. Could you not use a bigger towel? We've got guests!

Relax, mum.

Eva?

- You clicked your tongue! - Did I?

- You did! - I'm all flustered. I meant it well.

- He's my son. - It's a compliment. He's well built.

- Nice. - If that's what you think, I'd rather you lied.

I can't. I can't lie anymore.

- You're kidding, right? - No, one morning I'd used my share.

So what happens if you lie?

I throw up.

Am I still this good looking?

Of course.

Good luck.

Nice carnations.

Hi.

- It could have gone better? - Sure could.

My mother-in-law is unusually unforgiving even for a Serb.

The bedding is still in the hallway.

Morten has just given up.

He does nothing at home.

He does what I ask him to do. If I ask:

"Could you please take out the rubbish right in front oft you, as you're going out anyway."

Or: "Please rinse your plate."

He does it then, and expects me to praise him.

It's like having a teenage son.

I've become your mother, Morten.

And it sucks.

You're probably thinking: "It takes two to tango." And that I'm responsible too.

One evening last week, I cooked dinner, and we drank wine, -

- and I thought we might actually have sex. We haven't had sex in ages.

I go to bed all excited and wait for him to join me. And nothing happens.

So I walk through the house to find him, and end up in the garage.

And that's where he is. Jerking off.

Good Very good.

A great start.

And Morten, what do you feel is the problem?

Having to listen to this every day.

Have you considered leaving each other?

Living alone is actually great once you get used to it.

Notice how inferior you make each other.

There's nothing here that could make someone else happy.

People ask: "What is hell?" This is hell. Your relationship is chronically fatigued.

You work all day, and when you get home to rest, you get even more drained.

Get your own place. Then you can rinse your dishes, -

- and you can jerk off in your garage to your heart's content.

Thoughts?

It's better to wake up alone and know you're alone, -

- than waking up next to someone and still be lonely.

- How were the new lights? - They were a bit much.

Maybe you could switch to 25 watts.

- Home to an evening of solitude? - No another date, unfortunately.

I know you're doing it for your sister, but how do you cope?

- You being socially timid and all that. - No. Pascal said:

"Despite the ability to lock all our misery in the eye, as it suppresses us and strangles us, -

- we still have within us an eternal instinct that uplifts us."

- And you have that? - Me? No.

I use Valium. Bye.

Don't mind me. I'm going out again shortly.

Where are you? Are you hiding?

Let's check here. No... There you are!

Yes, were you lonely? "I figured you may be hungry."

Uncle Dag is always a bit peckish.

"But just one Valium if you plan to be in the office for 9. am."

The "date-shirt". We all know how this will end.

How many has she set you up with? 15?

- Huh? - 19.

That's right; you've become a dad!

Me?

Congratulations. How does it feel?

Well, it may not be mine. We'll have to determine that first.

- Hi. Eva. - Hi. Dag.

I know. Marianne showed me your picture.

You were holding a large cod, but I recognised you without it.

She likes to make out I'm a man of the wilderness.

That's the only fish I've caught since school camp.

And it was only to get out of a wedding anniversary.

- So I've heard. - That I molest fish?

- That I roll naked in their entrails? - That you prefer your own company.

It says in the good book: "Loneliness is the largest community of all."

The Bible also says that the meek shall be rewarded in Heaven.

Maybe it's not the best guidebook to life.

- Meaning? - That the most irresponsible thing you can do, -

- is to live as if this isn't our only life.

I'd rather be pleasantly surprised if I'm wrong. That's my thinking, anyway.

Let's just skip food and get something to drink instead.

- I have some red wine. - That's great.

Where did Marianne find you?

We've met before.

Marianne and I were best friends when we were younger.

Ok, but where have you been since then?

Everywhere. Mainly Goa, these last few years.

- Goa? No lie? - No, you would notice if it was.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Benedikt! We're burning your stuff. This is for dumping my sister!

"Bergersen." One more floor to go.

- Are you alive? - Yes.

- But not for long. - Good.

- What happens now? - I go to bed and you go to bed.

And that's that.

This went really well, I think.

Good night.

I'll sleep with you. I mean it...

Seriously...

Are you...