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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,464 [dramatic music playing] 2 00:00:07,465 --> 00:00:08,549 [Tom] Pilot sex shit? 3 00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:09,508 What the fuck? 4 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,302 - [alarm beeping] - [airplane rattling] 5 00:00:11,886 --> 00:00:13,512 Anyway, we need you to land the plane. 6 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,055 - What? - You said you speak Spanish. 7 00:00:15,056 --> 00:00:16,933 - But-- - So does the air traffic controller. 8 00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:18,852 Put on the headphones. Sit down. 9 00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:20,602 [quietly] Put the headphones. 10 00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:22,813 - Okay. Okay. - That one. 11 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:24,315 [attendant] Good luck, man. 12 00:00:25,942 --> 00:00:27,777 - [baby crying] - [exhales sharply] 13 00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:30,988 [dispatcher in Spanish] 1723. Do you copy? 14 00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:34,241 {\an8}Uh, yes. This is 1723. 15 00:00:34,242 --> 00:00:35,743 [sighs] My God. 16 00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:37,244 [Tom] I'm not a pilot! 17 00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:39,329 I don't have a fucking clue how to be a pilot. 18 00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,749 Don't worry, everything will be fine. 19 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,167 {\an8}My name is José, 20 00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:45,210 {\an8}I understand that the pilots are incapacitated. 21 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:46,337 Uh... 22 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:48,714 Yes. 23 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:51,175 Don't worry. I will guide you. 24 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,969 Okay, let's breathe. [inhales deeply] 25 00:00:53,970 --> 00:00:55,763 [inhales deeply] 26 00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:58,098 {\an8}[exhales deeply] Let's see, what's your name? 27 00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:01,018 - My name is Tom. - Okay, Tom. Nice to meet you. 28 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,313 I want you to pull the lever that says Throttle two. 29 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,148 Yeah. 30 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,233 Okay. 31 00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:09,443 [José] And grab the yoke. 32 00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:11,820 Now you're going to move that yoke gently, 33 00:01:11,821 --> 00:01:14,199 so I can see how the plane is moving. 34 00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:17,493 [Tom] Yes, José. 35 00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:19,536 It's moving the plane a little. 36 00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:20,913 [José] Wow, Tom. 37 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:25,084 I know you've never flown a plane before, but you're doing it very well. 38 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,376 We're going to be fine. 39 00:01:26,377 --> 00:01:27,669 [Tom] I'm very scared. 40 00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:29,213 It's just that... 41 00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:33,717 It's just that I feel like I'm going to have terrible diarrhea any moment here. 42 00:01:33,718 --> 00:01:35,385 [both laugh] 43 00:01:35,386 --> 00:01:38,222 Many people get airplane diarrhea, don't worry. 44 00:01:38,223 --> 00:01:39,389 Yes, that's true. 45 00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:41,517 - Wow, and what do you do, Tom? - [chuckles] 46 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:44,603 The funny thing is that I'm a comedian. 47 00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:47,022 Wow, Tom the comedian, nice to meet you. 48 00:01:47,023 --> 00:01:49,484 And what is your last name? Maybe I know you. 49 00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:53,362 My last name is Segura. 50 00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:54,863 [uneasy music plays] 51 00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:56,241 Tom Segura? 52 00:01:56,866 --> 00:01:58,075 Yes. 53 00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,868 Oh, yes. 54 00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,370 I have heard of you. 55 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:02,579 [Tom] Yes? 56 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,832 [in English] Your comedy is not very nice, cabrón. 57 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,250 Oh, you speak English? 58 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:07,668 You know, Tom Segura, 59 00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:10,045 I have a brother who has Down syndrome. 60 00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:13,465 And you like to say that people are retarded, correct? 61 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,968 Look, man, I'm sorry if I ever said something 62 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,470 - that was... offensive like that. - [airplane rattling] 63 00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:23,433 Like, I use it to describe, like, a friend doing something silly, you know. 64 00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:25,435 - Like my brother. - No, of course not. 65 00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:30,942 What I'm saying is, like, sometimes, you know, your friend does something dumb. 66 00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:32,526 You know what I mean? 67 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,528 Pulls his dick out at a wedding reception. 68 00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:35,821 You're like... You know? 69 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,448 No. No, I do not know, actually. 70 00:02:38,449 --> 00:02:42,578 [Tom] José, can we please put my dumb career choices aside 71 00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:46,832 and just help with this real life-threatening issue, José? 72 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:49,668 [smacks lips] Oh, you want help? Sure. Here we go. 73 00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:52,754 Oh, my God, dude, please. This is going down so fast. 74 00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:56,174 I'm sorry that I've said stupid offensive things that are reckless. 75 00:02:56,175 --> 00:02:58,927 I say things on stage sometimes to get a laugh. 76 00:02:58,928 --> 00:03:00,846 That's not who I am as a person. 77 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,932 Okay, so what you say at work you don't really mean. 78 00:03:03,933 --> 00:03:05,684 Exactly, José. Yes. 79 00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,477 Oh, okay, I understand now. 80 00:03:07,478 --> 00:03:10,105 You see that red button that's next to the altitude? 81 00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:12,441 [alarms blaring] 82 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,319 - Yeah. - Push it. 83 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,196 - [new alarm blaring] - [Tom] Oh! 84 00:03:18,197 --> 00:03:19,281 Am I supposed to push it 85 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,033 - or are you making a point? - I don't know. 86 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,535 I'm at work right now. What did you say about people at work? 87 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,162 Are you fucking kidding me? 88 00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,288 - [plane rumbles] - [gasps] 89 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:28,624 - [all screaming] - [dramatic music playing] 90 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:31,668 [Tom yells] José! 91 00:03:31,669 --> 00:03:33,337 [in Spanish] I'm sorry, José. Please! 92 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:35,130 [in English] Words matter, cabrón. 93 00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:36,340 Okay, goodbye. 94 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:37,634 [music stops] 95 00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:40,052 [slurps] 96 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,596 [in Spanish] What time does lunch start you say? 97 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:43,972 Soon enough, right? Hmm. 98 00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:46,308 - José, please! - [alarms continue blaring] 99 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,145 [in English] José! José, please! What do I do? 100 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,647 Oh, shit! Tom, are you still there? 101 00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:53,357 Oh, my God. 102 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,442 {\an8}[sighs] Thank God. I wanted to say, bro, 103 00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:56,735 {\an8}- I love your podcast. - What? 104 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,404 {\an8}Okay, ciao. Blessings. 105 00:04:00,114 --> 00:04:02,449 {\an8}[in Spanish] Oh, my God! What have I done? 106 00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,243 {\an8}- Tom! - [in English] Yes, I'm here. 107 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,870 {\an8}The one with your wife, not the other one. 108 00:04:06,871 --> 00:04:08,497 {\an8}The other one is hard to listen to. 109 00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:10,874 - [airplane engine roaring] - [Tom screaming] 110 00:04:10,875 --> 00:04:12,751 [in Spanish] Please, help me! 111 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:14,504 [screams] José! 112 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,047 [in English] Oh, fuck! 113 00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:20,468 This is Diego, a pilot from Argentina. He was sitting in economy. 114 00:04:21,886 --> 00:04:24,681 [Tom] Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you're a fucking pilot! 115 00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:26,556 [in Spanish] Hello. 116 00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:28,767 [Tom] Oh... Oh... 117 00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:29,811 Oh! 118 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:31,353 Oh... 119 00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:35,191 - [alarms stop] - [in English] Oh... Oh, my God. 120 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:40,947 [Diego in Spanish] 1723. We are level and heading in the normal direction. 121 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:43,824 [Tom sighs] 122 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,909 [in English] You really became a pilot today, huh? 123 00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:47,287 That guy was such a dick. 124 00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:51,457 [Diego] So we have, uh, about three hours left on the flight. 125 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,501 We can make the most of it. 126 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:57,212 Whoa! Dude, what are you doing? 127 00:04:57,213 --> 00:04:58,798 - What? - What are you doing? 128 00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:01,008 Let's get to the fucking, huh? 129 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,760 Bro, what? 130 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:05,887 I'm going back to my seat, man. 131 00:05:05,888 --> 00:05:07,889 - [Diego] You sure? - Yeah. 132 00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:10,350 Pilots are fucking kinky fucks, man. 133 00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,394 - You're really gonna leave? Okay. - Yeah. 134 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:13,895 [in Spanish] You're already here. 135 00:05:13,896 --> 00:05:14,856 [in English] No. 136 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,400 [tense music playing] 137 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,111 [indistinct chatter] 138 00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:32,205 [chuckles] All right, let's do it. 139 00:05:32,206 --> 00:05:33,415 [Diego] Okay. 140 00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:35,625 - Teach me how to fly, man. - [zipper unzips] 141 00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:37,545 [ominous sting plays] 142 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:40,214 {\an8}[eerie music playing] 143 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,225 {\an8}Communication is fascinating. 144 00:05:51,809 --> 00:05:53,643 {\an8}It's not just language or speaking. 145 00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:55,145 {\an8}It's about conveying how you feel, 146 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:57,731 {\an8}what you're thinking, the joy you're experiencing. 147 00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,025 {\an8}[man grunts] 148 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,069 {\an8}[choking] 149 00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,696 And who are some of our best communicators? 150 00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:06,323 - [dolphins squealing] - Dolphins. 151 00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:07,992 - [remote clicking] - '90s Oprah. 152 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:09,619 Politicians. 153 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:12,454 - [Hitler speaking indistinctly] - Look at this guy. 154 00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,082 He's got 'em all fired up. 155 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:18,668 So, I hope you enjoy these stories about communication. 156 00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:20,088 But if you don't... 157 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,465 [clicks tongue] How do I say this? 158 00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:26,344 Yeah, that works. 159 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,764 Whoa. Do I speak sign language? 160 00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,224 I totally understood that. 161 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,642 [dramatic sting plays] 162 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:36,645 So this is Burbank, California. 163 00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:37,646 [chuckles] 164 00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:39,064 Uh-huh, pretty neat, huh? 165 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,024 It's real neat. 166 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:43,068 Definitely a far cry from Boise, that's for sure. 167 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,028 You know who, I read, comes here? 168 00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:46,655 Jay Leno. 169 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,782 What do you think about that, huh? 170 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:51,368 He parks his hot rod right out there. 171 00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:53,745 And he comes here. That is really cool. 172 00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:56,414 You're right, Dad. That is really cool. 173 00:06:56,415 --> 00:06:58,459 [chuckles] Yeah, it's really cool. 174 00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:00,043 I'm sorry. 175 00:07:00,044 --> 00:07:02,838 I never do this, but I just had to come up and say 176 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,216 that fucking you last week was so fun. 177 00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:07,051 [man] I'm sorry, what? 178 00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:09,845 So fun. [chuckles] 179 00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:10,930 Enjoy your meal. 180 00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,266 I have no idea who that was. 181 00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:15,976 Yes, you do. 182 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:16,893 I knew it. 183 00:07:16,894 --> 00:07:19,396 - What? Da-- I'm not gay, Dad. - [sighs] 184 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,106 This is gonna kill your mother. 185 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,067 Come on. I dated Jill for two years. 186 00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:26,654 Welcome to Darwin's. I'm Donovan and I'll be taking care of... 187 00:07:27,488 --> 00:07:28,614 Oh, shit! 188 00:07:29,365 --> 00:07:31,491 I turned this boy's pussy inside out last night. 189 00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:33,201 What are you talking about? 190 00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:35,912 - [low eerie music playing] - All gas, no brakes. Raw. 191 00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:38,540 Honey, look. There's that slut we made prolapse. 192 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,293 - He was gagging on my balls. - [coughs] 193 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,086 [laughs] It was pathetic. 194 00:07:43,087 --> 00:07:46,381 - [cameras clicking] - Yo, bro, I finger fucked you too. 195 00:07:46,382 --> 00:07:48,800 Why is everyone saying they fucked me? 196 00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:50,427 Because we did. 197 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:51,511 In that game. 198 00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:52,971 [hesitates] 199 00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,473 [cameras clicking] 200 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,559 - [people murmuring] - [man] Is that me? 201 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,020 - [people laughing] - It's actually a cool story. 202 00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,563 There's a passion project. 203 00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:04,691 This IT guy developed a game in his basement. 204 00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:07,694 He went on to make, like, a billion dollars off it. 205 00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:08,696 It's inspiring. 206 00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:11,198 Cyrus? 207 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,659 [tense music playing] 208 00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:18,955 Hey, make that face you do, that... 209 00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:20,123 [squealing] 210 00:08:20,124 --> 00:08:21,416 [pleasant music playing] 211 00:08:21,417 --> 00:08:23,335 [automated voice] Welcome to the property. 212 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,377 [birds chirping] 213 00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:27,172 - Welcome to the property. - [water trickling nearby] 214 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:30,092 [doorbell dings and chimes] 215 00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:33,429 [door hisses open] 216 00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:36,265 Cyrus? 217 00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:40,520 Evan? Is that you? 218 00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:43,688 I barely recognize you, man. 219 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:45,607 You barely recognize me? 220 00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:47,527 I know. It's pretty cool, right? 221 00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:51,364 It's crazy what 800 million in videogame sales can buy. 222 00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:53,783 This is fucking horsehair. 223 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:56,785 [sputters] Yeah. I think we need to talk. 224 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:57,954 Come on in, bud. 225 00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:03,792 [door whirring, thuds] 226 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,670 [low operatic music playing] 227 00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:10,006 Did you make a video game where aliens fuck me? 228 00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:14,302 I made a very successful video game called Aliens Fuck Humans. 229 00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:16,681 I'm not sure what that has to do with you. 230 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,474 What the fuck are you talking about? 231 00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:22,478 Look. This is clearly me. 232 00:09:24,855 --> 00:09:25,731 No. 233 00:09:26,315 --> 00:09:27,275 Okay. Well... 234 00:09:28,317 --> 00:09:30,151 {\an8}then what is this? 235 00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:32,279 {\an8}An AFH-KOHLUR collab. 236 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:36,116 {\an8}Dude, the human in the game looks exactly like me. 237 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,910 I don't see the resemblance. 238 00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:42,080 - Take the fucking game down. - [magazine thuds] 239 00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:43,165 Hey. Whoa, whoa. 240 00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:45,166 Are you mad? 241 00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,419 You want to play games with me? I'll show you. 242 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,379 - Oh, hey! Hey, man! - I'll fucking show you. 243 00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,964 - Stop! Evan! - Take the game down! 244 00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:52,048 That's $11 million-- 245 00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:55,093 - Take the fucking game down! - Stop! Stop! Stop! 246 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,303 Fuck! 247 00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:57,221 Yes. 248 00:09:58,097 --> 00:09:59,222 God damn. 249 00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:02,601 The human in the game is modeled after you. 250 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,936 Yeah. No shit. 251 00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:06,980 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 252 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,940 Why would you put me in this game? 253 00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:09,858 I don't know. 254 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:13,571 I guess you just kind of have a "fuck that guy" kind of face, you know? 255 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:16,824 I didn't know the game was gonna blow up the way it did. 256 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,576 And looking back... 257 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,329 I definitely should not have used you in it. 258 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,623 So you'll take the game down? 259 00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,041 No, it's impossible. 260 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,168 There's hard copies everywhere. 261 00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:30,963 But I have been developing a new game. 262 00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:32,964 Aliens Fuck Humans IV. 263 00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:36,718 And in this new game, you do not get fucked by aliens. 264 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,387 You're actually the hero. 265 00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:40,138 [seethes] 266 00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:42,682 I'll cut you in on a piece of the action. 267 00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,352 Fifty-fifty split. 268 00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:47,438 You'll be rich as shit. 269 00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:53,903 And I'm not gonna be getting fucked by aliens in the new game? 270 00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:56,155 No. 271 00:10:58,282 --> 00:10:59,199 Let me show you. 272 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,909 [operatic music stops] 273 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:03,662 AFH IV is the future of VR gaming. 274 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,706 It's the first of its kind to use real time neural imaging 275 00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:10,669 of the user's brain to create the most realistic experiences possible. 276 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:13,088 - [keyboard clacking] - What does that even mean? 277 00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:17,468 Well, it means you're now the co-owner of this kickass breakthrough tech, 278 00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:19,677 partner. 279 00:11:19,678 --> 00:11:21,597 - Try it out. - [whirring] 280 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:29,437 - [heavy metal music playing] - [narrator] Aliens Fuck Humans IV. 281 00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:31,398 Evan's Revenge. 282 00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:33,566 [heavy metal music continues muffled] 283 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:36,487 [indistinct shouting and screaming over headset] 284 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,366 [heavy metal music plays, stops] 285 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,452 [low ethereal music playing] 286 00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:45,913 Holy shit. 287 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:49,082 This feels so real. 288 00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,584 It's pretty cool, right? 289 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,420 Is this my childhood home? 290 00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:55,131 [Cyrus, echoing] It is. 291 00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:57,633 [softly] Wow. 292 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:03,681 Hello, son. 293 00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:06,058 Dad? 294 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,187 - Happy birthday, buddy. - [low eerie music playing] 295 00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:12,731 Would you like some cake? 296 00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:16,527 Why does the cake say "Happy Birthday Cheryl" on it? 297 00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:18,945 Oh, my God. 298 00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:20,447 [keyboard clacking] 299 00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:22,073 [whooshes] 300 00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:23,032 [groans] 301 00:12:23,033 --> 00:12:25,410 Dude, this thing just got real tight. 302 00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,705 That's weird. [chuckles] 303 00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,834 {\an8}Word on the street is you like cake. 304 00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:33,877 [groans in disgust] 305 00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:35,378 [ominous music playing] 306 00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:36,547 Oh! 307 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:40,342 [grunts] 308 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,510 [grunting] 309 00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:45,305 - [Cyrus, echoing] Go on. Have a slice. - The fuck is happening? 310 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,306 [Cyrus] That's it. 311 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,475 Fuck, I can't control my legs, man. 312 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:52,520 You'll control your legs when you finish the cake. 313 00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:53,897 [grunts] 314 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:54,982 [gasps] 315 00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,817 Is this all because I wouldn't give you 316 00:12:57,818 --> 00:13:00,320 a piece of cake at Cheryl's birthday party? 317 00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,238 I don't know. Is it? 318 00:13:02,239 --> 00:13:04,200 - [tense music playing] - [keyboard clacking] 319 00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:08,161 [gasping] Cyrus! Cyrus, please! 320 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,622 [Dad] Do you know what flavor this cake is, son? 321 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,248 - Cyrus... - It's papa flavor. 322 00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:13,750 Cyrus, don't do this. 323 00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:15,168 Eat all the cake up. 324 00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:16,462 {\an8}Yum, yum, yum. 325 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:18,671 {\an8}You can eat it out of my ass. 326 00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:20,508 {\an8}[sobbing] Cyrus, please. 327 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:22,967 Don't do it. 328 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:24,762 Lick it all up. 329 00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:26,889 Cyrus, don't! 330 00:13:27,806 --> 00:13:29,641 [sobbing] No! 331 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,603 - Would you like more kiwis, Mr. Cyrus? - [Evan crying] 332 00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,021 No, I'm fine. Thank you, Magdalena. 333 00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:36,481 Oh, Dad! 334 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,399 Did you want a juice? 335 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,943 - [Evan] Oh! - Papaya? 336 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:40,944 [Cyrus] Mmm... 337 00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,820 - [Evan] Cyrus! - Actually, papaya sounds nice. 338 00:13:42,821 --> 00:13:44,781 - Thank you. - [Evan] Oh, no! 339 00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:47,116 - Cyrus, please! Oh! - [keyboard clacking] 340 00:13:47,117 --> 00:13:48,826 No, Dad! 341 00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:50,703 - No! - This shit is amazing. 342 00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:52,497 [gagging] 343 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:55,375 [Evan sobbing] Cyrus, no! 344 00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,836 [wailing] 345 00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,674 {\an8}[man whimpering] 346 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,592 - [somber music plays] - [siren wails] 347 00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,511 [indistinct police radio chatter] 348 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,263 [people chattering] 349 00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,098 [detective] Keep the news stations at bay. 350 00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,643 They'll be showing up in about 15 minutes, Carmen. 351 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,398 Hi, Tom. 352 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:20,359 I'm Detective Jacobs. 353 00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:23,152 Now, I know you've been through a lot, 354 00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:25,572 but when you're ready, I'm here to listen. 355 00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:26,990 Okay? 356 00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,033 Okay. 357 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,160 [softly] Okay. 358 00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,330 I can take you through what happened. 359 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:34,748 Um... 360 00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:38,251 I was waiting in line to buy a coffee. 361 00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:39,377 Like I do every day. 362 00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:41,630 - [pleasant song playing] - Hi. Can I help you? 363 00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:44,883 Hi. Can I have a large iced coffee? 364 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,760 - Sure. That'll be $3.45. - With-- 365 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,220 Sorry. 366 00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:52,474 I just have a few, uh, modifications. 367 00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:54,142 Okay. 368 00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:56,895 Large iced coffee, extra ice, please. 369 00:14:56,896 --> 00:15:01,525 And just a small splash of whole milk, please. 370 00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:03,776 Still $3.45. 371 00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:04,862 Thank you. 372 00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:10,367 - Do you need to, uh... - What? 373 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,243 Type it in? 374 00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:14,412 No, I... I got it. We have a system. 375 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,663 No, I know you got it. 376 00:15:15,664 --> 00:15:19,000 I wasn't trying to suggest that you couldn't remember that. 377 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,668 I just meant... 378 00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:23,129 Sometimes when it's not typed in, 379 00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:24,964 - it's not... They don't see it. - Okay. 380 00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:29,010 Iced coffee, extra ice, splash of whole milk. 381 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:30,846 - That is it. - $3.45. 382 00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,056 Thank you. 383 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,266 Would you like to tip? 384 00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:37,144 - Sure - How much? 385 00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:39,313 A dollar? 386 00:15:40,397 --> 00:15:41,482 [beeping] 387 00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:44,484 Five seems right. 388 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:45,653 [receipt tears] 389 00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:47,404 Next. 390 00:15:49,406 --> 00:15:51,533 Tom. Iced coffee for Tom... 391 00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:53,911 with modifications. 392 00:15:54,578 --> 00:15:56,121 Jesus Christ. 393 00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:01,250 Sir. Excuse me. 394 00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:02,962 Could we talk about this? 395 00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:05,172 Could I meet you down here? 396 00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:07,882 Excuse me. Hi. 397 00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:09,634 Will you please stand still? 398 00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:11,803 Uh, can you remake this? 399 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,097 I'm a little busy, man. 400 00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:16,474 No, I know. I'm not trying to be rude, I promise. 401 00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,851 I just, uh... I can't drink this much milk. 402 00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:20,687 You know, I-- I paid for it. 403 00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,522 So could you just remake this 404 00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:25,401 with less milk... please? 405 00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:27,443 - Less milk? - Please. 406 00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:30,364 - Yeah, man. I got you. - Thanks. 407 00:16:33,617 --> 00:16:35,452 [continues pouring] 408 00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:42,918 Now it's got less milk. 409 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:47,089 [tense music crescendos] 410 00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:49,257 [music stops] 411 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:50,717 I'm a professional barista. 412 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,468 I know what a fucking splash is. 413 00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:54,262 ["Sedona" by Houndmouth playing] 414 00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:55,805 [woman] Holy shit! 415 00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,765 - Oh, my God. - [people clamoring] 416 00:16:57,766 --> 00:17:00,227 [song continues] ♪ Now the devil's in a rush ♪ 417 00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:04,314 - [grunting] - [objects clattering] 418 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:08,402 [yells] 419 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,697 - [yelling] - [objects clattering] 420 00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:15,951 [both grunting] 421 00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:18,953 - [bone cracks] - [screams] Oh, fuck! 422 00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,497 - [Tom grunts] - [groans] 423 00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:22,833 [breathing heavily] 424 00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:25,836 - [grunts] - [groans] 425 00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:28,087 [woman groans] 426 00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:29,048 [grunts] 427 00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:32,426 [thuds] 428 00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,387 [yelling] 429 00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:37,764 [music fades] 430 00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:39,307 [Jacobs] I'm sorry, Tom. 431 00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:42,853 Are you saying you're the one who committed these gruesome acts of violence? 432 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:44,313 Yeah. 433 00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,358 And then you... 434 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:51,444 Put the guy's hand in a blender. 435 00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:53,571 - [blender whirring] - [screaming] 436 00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:55,281 [screaming] 437 00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:56,574 You don't listen! 438 00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:59,827 [pleasant music playing indistinctly over speaker] 439 00:17:59,828 --> 00:18:01,496 [laughing] 440 00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:02,748 [screaming] 441 00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:05,334 [yelling] 442 00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:08,462 [Tom yelling] 443 00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,631 [both grunting] 444 00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:14,175 [straining] 445 00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:16,220 Open up. Open your mouth. 446 00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,638 - Open your mouth. - [gagging] 447 00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:20,890 - [pleasant song continues] - You got a system, huh? 448 00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,391 You got a system that works? 449 00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:23,601 Does that work? 450 00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:24,685 Open your mouth! 451 00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:26,437 [straining] 452 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,482 [yelling] 453 00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,985 [panting] 454 00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:36,865 [pleasant song continues] 455 00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:40,953 [retching] 456 00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,831 All right, that's it. You're under arrest. 457 00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:46,333 No, no. Sorry. [chuckles] 458 00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:48,627 Actually... 459 00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:51,463 I still have the receipt. 460 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,803 Oh, yeah. Yep. It says "splash of milk" right there. 461 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,555 - Sorry about that, sir. - Yeah. 462 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,765 [both] You missed the first part of the story. 463 00:19:02,766 --> 00:19:03,850 Jinx. 464 00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:04,977 You owe me a Coke. 465 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:06,937 How about a coffee? 466 00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:10,064 [all laughing] 467 00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:11,190 That's a good one. 468 00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:13,152 Oh! I'm exhausted. 469 00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:15,153 You killed three people. 470 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,405 [chuckling] I know. I've never done that. 471 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:18,948 [both laughing] 472 00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:20,909 I don't know how you guys do it. [chuckles] 473 00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:22,870 Take it easy. 474 00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:24,912 ["Sedona" by Houndmouth playing] 475 00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:27,206 ♪ Hey, little Hollywood ♪ 476 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:30,168 ♪ You're gone but you're not forgot ♪ 477 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:34,255 ♪ You got the cash But your credit's no good ♪ 478 00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,341 ♪ You flipped the script And you shot the plot ♪ 479 00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:39,260 ♪ And I remember, I remember ♪ 480 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:43,598 ♪ When the neon Used to burn so bright and pink ♪ 481 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:45,434 ♪ So bright and pink! ♪ 482 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:51,565 ♪ A Saturday night kind of pink ♪ 31678