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Next up on C -SPAN, Secretary of War
Pete Hegseth is about to take questions
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from the press about the current
military operation in Iran.
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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
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The Secretary of War has been preparing
all afternoon, and it looks like he's
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about ready. So please welcome Secretary
Hegseth.
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Cut the track.
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Cut it.
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All right, I finished my egg stand.
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And relax, it was Sprite.
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All right, listen up, dipsticks, okay?
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Because this is actually serious, okay?
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As you may have seen from our epic
pentagram meme drops, we're treating
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like the breathalyzer in my car and
blowing it the hell up.
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The good news is our operation couldn't
be going better, and everyone loves it.
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To quote my personal hero, Papa Roach,
cut Iran in two pieces.
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Make it a Trump resort.
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Now, this situation's complicated, okay?
So let me put it in terms that I can
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understand.
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We're giving Iran a third -degree purple
nurple.
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All right?
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And we torpedoed their ship so bad,
their Navy's going to be singing, Yeah,
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that's right. We could do Jamaican
again. You're welcome.
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Now, a lot of the press have looks on
their faces like, So now I'm going to be
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taking your questions and throwing them
directly into a trash can.
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You, Hanson brother, go.
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Secretary Hague said, you said this war
could... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
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wait. War?
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Okay, whoever called this a war, except
maybe the president a couple times
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accidentally, okay?
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This is a war. Also, why do we have to
put labels on everything, okay?
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What are you, my high school girlfriend,
which I had?
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This isn't a war, okay? It's a
situationship.
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Right? We're just going to hook up.
We're going to see where it goes, okay?
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it feels good, we'll keep going. And if
we get bored, we'll start hooking up
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with Cuba.
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Okay? Does anyone have a not stupid
question?
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Yeah, can you just tell us if there are
going to be boots on the ground?
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Uh, yeah, your mom's next to my bed
after I bang her.
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I just think the American people are
worried this could turn into a total
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quagmire. Uh, yeah, good. Quagmire's
hilarious.
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I mean, he's no suey, but who is?
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Giggity.
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What is happening?
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Okay, I'll tell you what's happening,
okay? We don't know, okay? And that's
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whole point. If we don't know what we're
doing, then Iran definitely doesn't
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know what we're doing.
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We're wild, okay? We're unpredictable.
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We're like Shia LaBeouf and Nolan.
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Okay, shout -out Transformers. Shout
-out Megan Fox back on Insta.
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All right, next question. Gaylord says
what?
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What?
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Brutal.
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Okay, next.
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Yeah, this week the president was asked
if Americans should be worried about
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Iranian attacks here at home, and the
president said, I guess.
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Should people be afraid?
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Oh, probably.
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I mean, probably you are.
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Look, you guys don't understand what
we're doing here, okay? Y 'all playing
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chess. I'm playing Grand Theft Auto,
okay?
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All right, next question. Girl.
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First of all, I have a name.
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Oh, really? Is it Jessica No Wonder I'm
Single?
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Yes.
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Last week, you said that the U .S.
defense agenda was, quote, maxed out.
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lethality, not tepid legality, violent
effect, not politically correct.
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What did you mean by that, and why did
it rhyme?
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Uh, because I'm White Hamilton?
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I'm just like my country. I'm drunk,
angry, and horny, and they made me throw
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away my scotch.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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Yeah, that's a poster.
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All right.
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Now, this is all fun news today.
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Okay? After a year, singular, of hard
work, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has been
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reassigned under the bus.
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So let's bring her out to give her a
proper goodbye.
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Kristi Noem.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,
Secretary Hegseth. I just want to make
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that I didn't get fired. I self
-deported.
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And though I may be leaving this job, I
will not be ending my mission. As I told
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my plastic surgeon, the work is never
done.
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But I gave my all to the DHS, and I have
no regrets.
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Because like they say, you miss 100 % of
the dogs you don't shoot.
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of what we've accomplished. I took this
job with the goal of securing our
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border, deporting thousands of illegals,
and spending $200 million on ads of me
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riding a horse.
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And I think I really nailed it. And by
it, I mean my married coworker in a big,
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beautiful, flying bedroom 30 ,000 feet
over Minneapolis.
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And while I look forward to what comes
next, leaving is bittersweet.
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00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:11,560
But the time has come for me to turn in
my badge, gun, lip, lashes, teeth, and
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00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:17,360
forehead. But I'm so excited about my
new job as Special Envoy to the Shield
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the Americas.
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Something about President Trump. He
created it for me. I just saw my new
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which is at a WeWork space outside of
Denver, and it is spectacular.
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So this may be goodbye.
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But this isn't goodbye forever.
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Yeah, except that it is. Oh, okay. And
live from New York, it's Saturday night!
7999
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