All language subtitles for The Tall Guy 1989-σθβριπ

Good evening and welcome...

To tonight's performance of
The Rubber Face Revue,

London's most successful
comedy cabaret.

Here, in the famous
Lyric Theatre,

Former home of such stars
as Sir Laurence Olivier.

Ugh. I wish Larry were still here.

Tonight is, in fact,

An exceptionally
special evening for us...

As it is the sixth anniversary
performance of the show.

He could do my role.

And
then I could take a night off.

Please
do take your seats, ladies and gentlemen,

And get ready
for Mr. Crazy himself.

Although, come to
think of it, by my age, Laurence Olivier...

Had already won an Oscar
for playing Hamlet.

So I'm not entirely sure he would have
felt completely at ease in this production.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Ron Anderson!

And, uh,
let's be honest, most of the attention...

Is focused on, uh, Ron.

Well, he's the star.
He's the star.

A nice, modest individual.

And me, I'm the tall guy.

So, sometimes I sit
while he's being funny.

And sometimes I stand
while he's being funny.

Or lay down.

You know, I think
people find it curious when I take a bow.

They don't seem to remember
there was anybody else in the show.

There I am,
long legs, tiny paycheck.

- How many?
- About 30.

Let's do it.

I do, of course, enjoy some...

Of the glitter and glamor
of stardom.

I mean, I get to park my vehicle
right outside the theatre.

But, all in all, it's,
uh-- it's not what I hoped for...

When I first arrived seeking
fame and fortune in London's theatre land.

Still, you know actors.
We live in hope.

Like maybe some big director's gonna
come to the show tomorrow and say,

"Hey, that guy in the skirt?
That's our Macbeth."

So, every night
it's out of Piccadilly...

- Past the queen's house,
- Wilma!

Through one of Jack the Ripper's
favorite tunnels...

Sorry, Fred.

To the street where I live...

In, uh, in desirable
Camden Town.

- Good evening, Mr. Morrow.
- Good evening, Dexter.

What a life. Blind and allergic
to his guide dog.

Home, sweet home.

Yeah, this is the-- This is the house here
that I share with a woman named Carmen.

She's not my girlfriend;
she's my landlady,

And she's educated and charming
and she's a nymphomaniac,

But that means there's always a lot
of interesting people, uh, dropping by.

Evening.

How do you do?

Yeah, hello, Dexter. This is Pierce.

I wanted to ask
you a big favor. Could you--

Hello, Dex? This is Pierce again.

Thought I'd just check. I think
there might be something wrong with your--

Dex, Pierce again.

Your machine
is definitely faulty. Please ring me back.

I need you desperately. My new
number is 7-3-5-3--

Any water in here?

Uh, try the tap.

Thanks.

Lotsa nuts in every chunky, chewy bite.

Oh, my God.

Buy
new Lotsa Nuts. They'll drive you nutty!

Darling!

- Hey.
- How is my favorite man?

Oh, well,
not great. Uh--

The television's been taken
over by Ron Anderson,

The answering machine's
finally winning...

It's war of attrition
against my social life,

And the fridge is
so full of living things...

It looks like
The Muppet Show.

- You poor, sweet thing.
- Also, uh,

There seems to be
a naked plumber, uh,

Testing out
our toilet facilities.

No, no,
that's George.

I think he's rather sweet.

- Must get some margarine.
- Yeah, oh, I'd be careful.

I'm tellin' you, there's a piece of cheese
in there that's actually growin' ears.

Oh.

- George, this is Dexter.
- Hi.

Hi.

Oh. Sorry.

Uh, hay fever season again.

Dexter's allergic to everything
to do with summer.

Except the Beach Boys.

Oh.

- Should you have some injections?
- Oh, I should,

But, uh, I can't stand 'em.

If it was a choice between
rabies and having an injection,

I think I'd give rabies a try.

It's all in the mind, anyway.

What you need, sweet one,
is a lovely girlfriend.

You used to know lots of gorgeous girls.
Why don't we have one of them 'round?

'Cause I never liked any of 'em.

Happy?

It's called
"Birth of the Earth Mother."

Pump me.
Pump me, Mr. Petrol!

Well, this is-- this is my room.

It's kind of a total mess.

Sort of like my life.

Ehh.

Yehh. Yehh!

Ah-ch-- Ahh--

Ooh.

- - 'Twas the night
before Christmas...

And all through the house...

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even a mouse.

Sorry.

Don't worry, Dexter.
Everyone has off nights.

Once I dropped
a very big stage weight.

Crushed two actors.
Could happen to anybody.

Yeah, thanks, Charlie. Thanks.

- You've come about the hay fever?
- That's right.

I wanna really, uh,
crack it this year.

Excellent.

Do you mind if Dr. Karabekian
sits in with us?

Mm-mmmm!

- No, not at all.
- Excellent.

Mm-mmmm!

Now, let's see. Mr. King is allergic to
pretty well everything.

Dust, dust mites, most grasses,

Cats, dogs, feathers.

- What do you suggest?
- Oh, some sort of - psycho-nasal therapy?

I think we'll stick
to the straight and narrow.

If you'll give this
to the nurse,

We'll start
the injections tomorrow.

Ah, yes. Um, Doctor.

I was wondering if there was
any alternative to the shots.

I mean, really.
I-I just ha-hate the things.

May I ask why?

Well, 'cause they hurt.

"They hurt."

Yeah, they do. Ow. Oh.

Very well, I'll give you
tablets instead.

Perhaps sometime Mr. King
would like to come in...

And discuss the psychological reasons
why he hates the shots.

No, really,
it's just 'cause they hurt.

Uh, the thought of somebody sticking
something into me drives me crazy.

The sooner we talk
about this phobia, the better.

It's not a phobia. It's just
that I hate the damn things.

That's the definition
of a phobia.

Do you have a girlfriend, Mr. King?

No, as a matter of fact, I do not.

- Ohh.
- Ohh.

Excuse me. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

There's nothing suspicious
about it.

I happen to hate injections
in the same way that some people hate, uh,

Airplanes or spiders or
having electrodes attached to the scrotum.

- - Tragic.
- Ugh.

I think the sooner
you come back, the better.

Thanks.

But no thanks.

Look, we're a
train. Choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo-choo.

Choo-choo-choo,
choo-choo-choo-choo.

Choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo-choo,
choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo.

Could you, um,
hold this for a minute?

Oh, no worry, Nurse. The patient is taking
pills instead of injections.

- Who's next?
- I think I saw Mrs. Cartwright waiting.

Oh, God. Yes, poor thing.

- Thanks.
- You're very welcome.

She's a lovely girl.
I'm gonna marry her, actually.

You can get your pills
at the dispensary.

Choo-choo-choo,
choo-choo-choo-choo.

Whoo-whoo!

Ah, Mrs. Cartwright. Do take a seat.

Tell me, has any
of the hair started growing back yet?

On second thought,
Doctor, hey.

I mean, a few little pricks
never hurt anybody.

- Carmen?
- I'm in the bedroom!

- Something incredible's happened.
- What's that?

- I've fallen in love.
- Who with?

She's a nurse.

- Well, it's a good start.
- But... what am I gonna do?

I mean, the last time I really went for
anybody, I was wearing flared trousers.

You must behave
like a real bastard.

Men fall into two categories:
Spineless wimps or bastards.

The bastards
always get the girls.

How do bastards behave these days?
Really badly.

Take her out to dinner,
pork her to within an inch of her life,

Then never ring her again.

You think that's
the correct procedure?

Hell, yes,
if you want true love.

Look, can we get on?

Oh.

- How do I look Mr. "M"?
- Excellent.

Never seen you look better.

Never seen him at all.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Come on, you mean bastard.
Come on.

- It's hay fever, isn't it?
- That's right.

Good.

Could you roll up
your sleeve, please?

It's going to hurt... now!

There we are.
Come back in a week.

- - Bye. Bye.

Did you score? Not as such.

Uh, I suddenly felt
overawed by her uniform.

Under the circumstances, asking her
if it would be okay...

If I bonked her within an inch
of her life seemed an "oddish" thing to do.

Yes. Pity 'bout that.

Uniforms always
make me crazy.

- Don't they, Inspector?
- Certainly do, ma'am.

Still,
wild, passionate sex next week, hmm?

Yes, yes. No, I reckon
next week for sure.

Listen. I've sized up the strength
of the enemy forces.

Next week, I go for first strike, all-out victory.

Sleeve.

Bye.

- Bye.
- What do I do?

Tell her you're a big
West End star. Chat her up.

The lights, the celebs,
the smell of the greasy paint.

Hey, hey.
That's a thought.

If you do not get
this woman,

You are a mouse, not a man!

Say, are you a fan
of Ron Anderson's?

Who?

- Squeak.
- Scalpel. Clamp.

- My God!
- What is it, sir?

Why, this is
extraordinary. Look.

We have a rib cage,

Kidney, spleen...

But absolutely no spine.

You mean the patient's... spineless?

That's right.
Utterly and totally spineless.

I know. I know.

I know!

Carmen!

Carmen, what am I gonna do?

I've been going to the hospital for seven
weeks now. I don't even know her name.

- You'll have to have more shots.
No!

Yes. Say you're
going on holiday.

Some of these African places
need hundreds of injections.

- That's right, isn't it, Bernard?
- Yes, particularly Morocco.

- He's shy.
- The time for hesitation's through.

I-- Screw Africa too.

I walk in there, say,
"Baby, I dig you the most."

Right. Screw Africa.

- Morocco?
- That's right.

Why do you
want to go there?

Why?

Oh, jeez,
lots of reasons. Uh--

Oh, I think Joe Orton used to
go there to pick up little boys.

'Course, that's not why
I'm going there. I hate little boys.

Well, not hate them. I mean,
I just don't feel very strongly about them.

Uh, I believe the climate
is excellent.

Very good linen goods. They have a festival,
I think, around this time of the year.

-Uh, it's the colorful costumes, that kind of thing.
-When are you off?

Oh, it's not for quite a while.

As long as it takes for us to
get this series of shots done.

Oh, it's not really a series.
I can give you all five today.

Five? Today?
Uh, not come back?

Mm-hmm. It would
be six, but polio's just a sugar lump now.

And then there's gamma globulin,
tetanus, cholera, typhoid, and TB,

And at the moment
we're recommending yellow fever as well.

Oh, that would be six, then.

Now, which arm don't you need?

- I'm gonna lose an arm?
- No, which arm do you use least?

Oh, I use them both.
I mean, uh--

You know, even when I'm walking.
See? Look, look, look.

No, no, no. No! Uh--

The thing is--
The thing is, uh--

All these weeks
I've been coming here, I've--

I've been wanting
to ask you something.

What I really
want to know is...

- What's your name?
Kate.

- Lemmon. It's a horrid name.
- No, not at all.

Uh-- It could have been worse. You could have
been called Hitler or Tampon or something.

- Kate, we need you. A cardiac.
- At once. I'll be back.

Tampon. Oh, no!

God, take my testicles
and fry them up with bacon!

Oh--

Mr. King! Hello!

Nurse Lemmon's been detained
for a little while, I'm afraid.

So, I'm going to stand
in for her, if that's all right with you.

- Are you sure you're qualified?
- Oh, yes, oh, yes.

I'm really getting
the hang of all this now.

Uh, here we are. There.

Mm-mmmm! Now, then.

Ah! Ooh.

Oops. Sorry.

All right.

Right.

- They call this a "wide bore" needle.
- "Wide bore"?

Oh, yes, big needle. It's
got to go right through into the muscle.

- First of all is a little prick.
- Ahh!

And then it
builds up, you see,

Into a sort of massive golf ball
of serum under the flesh.

It's very effective.

¡Աաաա-ապW -
- Yeah. Ow!

I'm being very careful
with it, because one slip,

An air bubble and, voila,
instant death.

- Voila. Ow!
- - Right. Don't worry.

- Almost the worst over with.
- "Almost the worst"?

Nurses call this one
Big Ben, apparently.

Now, then. Oh, I must get it
on the right part of your arm, mustn't I.

- There we are. Ooh. There we go.
- Ow! Ow.

- Mm-mmmm! Ha-ha-ha.
- Ow. Ow!

- There we go.
- Ow! Ow!

Ah!

They say the real experts
do it without even looking.

Don't you-- Oh!

Yip!

And finally, the sugar cube. Open.

Oh, Mr. King, um, if you do
suffer an extreme reaction,

Uh, oh, frothing fit or
a massive neural shutdown, uh, don't worry.

- I'm sure someone will bring you in.
- That's very comforting.

- That's all part of the service. Good-bye, Mr. King.
- Yes.

- Good-bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

Life in the Vatican
is fun, fun, fun

When you're
a dancing nun, nun, nun♪♪

Come in.

Listen, Dexter, is there
something troubling you,

Something you want to talk to
someone about?

Well, yeah, actually.
As a matter of fact, there is.

Then for fuck's sake, talk to
someone about it, will you?

And sort it out
before I sack you...

And hire a lobotomized monkey
to play your role, okay?

Thank you, my friend.

The moment you called
I thought, "This is it.

"This is it. I haven't known
what my life is about.

"I have nervous
breakdown after nervous breakdown.

"Now, suddenly, everything is
going to fall into place...

With the man on the end
of this telephone."

Yeah, well--
Yeah, I-I just thought I'd give you a call.

If I tell you something
confidential, will you keep it a secret?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

I'm not wearing
any underwear.

Uh--

- Are you sure that's wise?
- Screw wisdom!

- Who wants to be wise?
- Well, the Dalai Lama, -

To name, uh, but one.

Will you excuse me for
one second? I have to go to the bathroom.

Okay.

Idiot! Why? Why?

What?

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Hey, let's, uh, hit the road.
- It's what I like about you.

- So impetuous.
-Oh-ho.

Here we go. Come on.

- It's inside out.
- Ah! Right.

- There we go. Yes, sir.
- Sir.

Nice to go to sunny Morocco.

Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

- You going to Morocco?
- Ah, yeah, th-that's right, I am.

Isn't
that where men go to pick up young boys?

That's right.
It's a top spot for sodomy.

I'm sorry. The two of you
haven't been introduced.

- This is Miss-- Mrs.-- - Kate.

- Yes, Kate Tampon.
Lemmon.

- Kate Lemmon. This is Tamara.
Magovich.

For the moment, at least.

- Oh, you two--
- - Well, you know?

- Great.
- Great.

Great. Come on, lover boy.
Let's go singing in the rain.

Bye.

Of course I had other men.
Of course I had.

Hundreds of them.
I wouldn't be human if I hadn't.

But you know,

Even in their arms,

Even with their...
enormous manhoods,

Pushing me-- pushing
me towards unbearable ecstasy,

I've often thought,

"Dexter King.

"Dex, my petrol man,

He's the one for me."

Have you ever thought
about me like that?

Will you excuse me
one minute?

Ah! Excuse me. Have you seen
a nurse just come in?

No.

Excuse me. You haven't
seen that nurse with an orange raincoat.

Orange lipstick,
orange earrings, orangish hair?

- You mean me? - It'll have to be quick.
- Yes.

Some poor old man's expecting
my hand up his bottom,

And I hate to disappoint
the old folk.

Would you like to come out
to dinner with me?

-Why?
-Why?

Yes, why?

Well, I, uh,

Was thinking
of taking up nursing.

- You want to become a nurse?
Yeah, that's right.

I, uh, wanna be a nurse.

My whole family--
It's a family tradition.

My grandfather, uh-- I thought maybe we could
have more time to discuss it over dinner.

No, thanks. I really get enough of nursing around
here without discussing it in my spare time.

Excuse me.

Uh-- Yeah.

- Will this hurt?
- No.

Ahem. I mean, you know, if you'd asked
me out because you thought I was pretty...

Or nice or anything like that,
it probably would have been a good idea,

But since it's
just professional inquiry...

- It's probably best kept short.
Right.

I do think you're pretty,

And nice as well.

See you here
at 6:00 tomorrow, then.

- I don't get free till 10:30.
- Okay.

I'll see you
here at 10:35, then.

- Ooh. What about your fiancee?
- I hate her.

- Okay. And what do you do that keeps you up so late?
- I'm an actor. -

But not a very good one, eh?

Morocco?

Ha.

Oh, I love this stuff.
So mild.

No matter how many
times you use it, your hair's still dirty.

If you ever do anything funny
in my show again,

You elongated droplet of dung,
you're out, you hear me?

F-U-C-K-E-D.

- Out.
- It's the Ron Anderson you don't hear about.

You got a big one of these.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi.

- - Sorry I'm late.
- No, it's all right. Just got here this second.

Oh, good, good.
Heavily] [Breathing

Well-- So what
do you want to do?

Uh, Camden has everything from, uh,
traditional English...

To very good new Greek-Indian
restaurant called Zorba the Buddhist.

Truth is, I'd really
like to go home.

It's been a very hard night, and I'm just
suddenly terribly tired.

Oh.

Okay, well,
not even a drink?

I can offer you anything from
Malibu to something drinkable.

No, thanks. I think
I'll just fall asleep.

I'm sorry if it sounds
like a feeble excuse.

No, that's-- that's fine.
I've heard worse.

Look, I'd love
to sleep with you tonight,

But unfortunately
my flat mate's really depressed,

And if I don't go back,
she'll commit suicide.

Also, I'm allergic to beards.

- Maybe some other time.
- Yeah.

Gonna walk me home, or shall I
just get murdered on my own?

Oh, no, no, no.
My pleasure.

Do you know lots of
people called Tampon?

What? Oh!

No. Although, I did once know
somebody called Matureinbed.

- Really?
- Yeah, Siresh Matureinbed. He was Indian.

Uh, whenever anybody
would meet him in school,

They'd say,
"Are you Matureinbed?"

And, of course, you know,
he'd have to say,

"Yes, I am."

But, see, it did turn out
all right in the end,

'Cause, apparently, uh,
he was a really great lay.

I love this hill.

Oh, oh, is this
where you live?

Mm. Don't be deceived
by the grim exterior.

It's a good deal grimmer inside.

Uh, no, no, no.
It's, uh-- It looks nice.

It looks nice.

Look, there is just one thing...

I'd like to make clear to avoid
any embarrassment later.

I'm sure you know, just because
you take a girl out to dinner,

It doesn't mean she's got to
go to bed with you.

No, no.

Absolutely. I'm not--
Oh, my God.

Absolutely not.

- No.
- Ye-- Well, the thing is,

I'm not the sort of girl
who believes in that.

I think it's much better to go
to bed with a person on the first date...

To get it
out of the way.

There's no point in our having ten expensive
dinners if I already know I like you.

Oh.

So, um, I'm off all day
tomorrow. So why don't you come 'round?

Oh, that--
that would be great.

And when I say "great,"
you know, I--

- I mean, great.
- Good.

Night-night.

Like your jacket.

- Hi. Come in.
- Oh.

Oh. Green and orange
are my favorite colors.

-Orange, particularly.
- Yes.

Sorry about last night.
I was very tired.

I'm less tired now.

- I'm not tired either.
- - Great.

Two people, alone,

In the middle
of the afternoon,

And not tired.

Ideal
circumstances for Scrabble.

- Hmm. - -

Oh.

Orange, particularly.

Ugh, sorry.

- What's going on down there?
- It's the feathers. -

Feathers?
I haven't got any feathers.

No, it's the feathers
in the duvet.

I'm allergic to feathers.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

God! God!
You ridiculous person!

Ow! Ohh!

[Kate Moaning, Shrieking,

Ohhh.

That was...

- Wild.
- Oh.

Oh, you wild thing.

And thank God,

Because to top all the fun,
I think you've missed your show.

- Fancy a fuck, big boy?
- No, thanks. Just had one.

Get off. Get off!

How dare you improvise, you
diminutive Mediterranean moron!

And as for you,
daddy longlegs,

I've been waiting
for this moment...

Ever since I first made
the mistake of hiring you.

You're both fired.
I give you a week's notice.

- A week?
- - All right, a day, then. Tonight's your last night.

- You can't do that. I demand to talk to the producer.
- I am the producer.

In that case, you can do that, but I'm not
gonna give you the satisfaction of sacking me.

- I resign.
- Good. In that case, you get no severance pay,

And I sue your arse
for breach of contract.

In that case, I don't resign,
you total and utter bastard!

I hope all your children
have very small dicks.

And that includes
the girls!

Well, as you probably all know, this is
Dexter's last night.

I've got to get away
at the end of the show,

So I thought we'd have
the party in the interval.

Dexter's been with the show
from the very beginning,

And I know that some of you--
some of us--

Are going to miss him.

We wish him the best of luck in
everything he chooses to do in the future.

And the same goes
for, uh--

- Charlie.
- Charlie,

Who's been with the show
for, uh--

- Five years.
- Five-- Five years.

- Anne, have you got the champagne?
- Yes.

- To Dexter's future.
- To Dexter's future.

Mm.

- What happened?
- I got sacked.

Sacked? Oh, dear.

That's terrible.

God, and all for just
a one-night stand.

- A one-night stand?
- Well, one afternoon.

Oh, God. You are gonna be
so easy to tease.

I never
thought I'd miss you

Half as much as I do

And I never thought
I'd feel this way

The way I feel - Hey, Mr. "M."

- - About you
- Good morning, Dexter.

Kate.

- Oh, hi. As soon as I wake up -

Every night
Every day

I know that it's you I need
to take the blues away

It must be love
love, love

It must be love
love, love

Nothing more
Nothing less

Love is the best

What are these?

My pajamas.

You wear them again,
I'll leave you instantly.

Oh, wait, no, no.
These are great.

They're not great. Look.

- They're so baggy, you can fit two people in them.
- Bullshit. They're great.

See?

As soon as I wake up
Every night, every day.

I know that it's you I need
to take the blues away

It must be love
love, love

It must be love love, love

It must be love love, love ♪♪

It must be love love, love

It must be love love, love

I've got to go to work.

Oh. Wait a minute.
I'll keep you company.

- Okay.
- How long have I got?

About 12 seconds.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Guess it's important
not to be late.

No. We don't both
want to lose our jobs.

Right. Still, there's more
to life than being hit...

In the face with an
iron bar six times a week, plus matinees.

Absolutely.
Mind the tree.

What tree? Oh! Ah!

What are you
doing in a job like that?

It's the
only thing I could get.

Life isn't that easy for tall
American actors in London.

The year I got Ron's show,
the only other thing I'd had...

Was playing Abraham Lincoln
in a series of advertisements for muffins.

My career wasn't
like a torpedo.

- Well, Ron noticed - you were brilliant.
- No, he knew I was cheap.

The show was supposed to
last for six weeks. It's run for six years.

In the end, I was still earning less per week
than the Coke machine in the dressing room.

Hang on. One sec.

Listen, you gonna be able
to get another job?

Oh, yeah. Listen, I hope so.
I've got a very powerful agent.

Good. Going out
with an actor's bad enough.

If I'm gonna be saddled
with an out-of-work actor,

shoot me now.

- Absolutely not. I shall take action this very afternoon.
- Good.

The thing is, my darling boy, it's such a
long time since you've been out on the market.

Well, maybe that
makes me a novelty?

I don't know about that.

Seventy-three percent
of actors are unemployed.

- And yet Roger Moore's still in work.
- Yes.

It's a dark
and mysterious world.

I suppose I could get you
an audition with Berkoff.

He's doing a new play.
England, my England.

That's good.
Yeah, let's go for that.

Fuck off!

Fuck off, yourself, and the same goes
for your friend!

Fuck off!

You fuck off.

He said he thought
you lacked anger.

Well, I don't know.
I was pretty pissed off by the end.

Yes, I think
he's probably insane.

There are a couple of parts
coming up at Granada.

Not big, but at least
it's television.

Sounds fine to me.

I wind down
the window and--

Excuse me, is this
the right road for Cirencester?

- Aye, it be.
- Thanks.

Good, Dennis.
Excellent.

Could you try it
with a little more mystery?

Well,
the only other thing at the moment...

Is a new musical
the R.S.C. are doing.

- Tsk. Well, what's it about?
- The Elephant Man.

A, uh, musical of the,
uh, Elephant Man. What's it called?

Elephant! I think.

With an exclamation mark,
presumably.

Pity the poor bastard
who has to play the elephant.

Remember, dearest, everyone thought
Jesus Christ Superstar was a stupid idea.

Jesus Christ Superstar
was a stupid idea.

- True.
- But,

Uh, I gotta get something,

Or else my girlfriend, the
nurse, may begin to sleep with other men.

Let's take
these arms again. They're not quite right.

Let's go from here. One, two.

Turn, three,
four and five.

London
City of sin

London, the town
we grew up in

Just one great
big loony bin London

Oh, dear. Some of you are singing a
bit flat. Can you all just give me a "G"?

La

La

La

La

La

La

La

- Mr. King.
- Oh, yes. Uh, listen.

I'm really sorry. I guess
I'm a little out of practice.

- No. No.
- Pathetic, actually. Sorry, really.

Just grotesquely awful.
My voice. Maybe I'm catching a little cold.

- - Not at all. Not at all. Ah

- That's usually right
in my-- - - In fact, Dexter,

We'd just like a word
with you about something.

Perhaps we could step in here.
Little more private.

- The thing is, Dexter,
- Yeah.

We've been watching you
very carefully.

And, well, we think--

- Do you want to say it, Marc Antonio?
- Oh, no. Go ahead.

You say it. Right.

- We think-- - - Excuse me.

We think
we'd like to--

Can't we at least have
privacy for one moment?

Sorry, Gavin.

- What I'm trying to say is,
- Yeah?

We'd like to audition you
for a very large part, indeed.

- In this musical?
- You see, the thing is, we feel...

You have exactly
the quality of awkwardness...

And vulnerability
that we're looking for.

Yes, you're a victim.
That's what we need.

You're someone
life has crushed...

And ground
into a pulp.

- Jeez. Yeah, I'm-- I still don't follow you.
- Of course,

It would require
a massive amount of makeup.

Ah.

I'm Jane Hayworth,
and I'm in charge of costume.

I'm Max Fairford, and I'm playing the
circus barker.

I'm Dexter King.
I'm playing the Elephant Man.

I'm Timothy Hall,
and I'm going bald,

Which is probably why
I'm playing Dr. Treves.

I'm Cheryl Hines,
and I'm playing Lady Crownbrook.

And you all presumably know me.

I'm Gavin,
and I'm your director.

To work, to work.

I feel the spirit
of the Elephant Man roaming among us.

Take a deep breath♪

Prepare
for the worst

The ugliest man♪

In the universe♪♪♪♪

All right.

Once more, and remember,
the man is hideous!

Roll up, roll up
as quick as you can

He looks like an elephant
and talks like a man

Roll up, roll up
The tent is busting

Here he comes
Mr. Disgusting

Wrong door, Dexter!

9:30 tomorrow, everyone.

We start with the ballads,
"Ain't Gonna Follow the Herd,"

And "He's Got The Kind
of Face You Don't Forget."

And don't forget
your tap shoes, everyone!

I, uh, saw you
in Ron Anderson's show.

I thought you were lovely.

It can't be easy
being a straight man.

All I had to do was, uh, say my
line, really, and get punched in the face.

You shouldn't put yourself down.

No, no, no.
It was really that easy.

The part could have been
very fully realized by an umbrella stand.

Well, I also think you're
going to be wonderful in this.

Thanks.

It's my first
time as an elephant.

You're very funny, aren't you?

I like funny people.
Are you married?

No. My girlfriend's
a nurse.

Oh, I see.

Well, see you tomorrow, Dexter.

Yes.

Bin, bin

- Good night.
- Good night.

- London, city
of sin - How was it?

Oh, it was good.
It was good.

It's not Mozart.

- Any hits, do you think?
- Oh, well. -

Oh, there's that ballad
called "Packing My Trunk,"

- Ooh.
- which I think - could be very big.

- Mm. - - Very big.

- You look tired. How was your day?
- Oh, great. -

Emergencies are always
pretty grisly.

A woman I was with gave birth
to a baby in a lift.

Oh. Well,
that was okay, huh?

Well, I would have been,
but her husband slipped on the afterbirth,

- Broke his collarbone.
- Holy cats!

Egads, me lads
It's a real pea-souper

Two... three... four.

Who
knows what secrets this darkness hides

Who knows what horror
may lurk inside

Tell me about
the first-night party.

Are there going to be
lots of famous people there,

And am I going
to feel stupid?

Well, no, no, and...

No.

It's going to be
really. a nightmare,

Hundreds of people
crammed in that backstage.

It's going to be like happy hour
in The Black Hole of Calcutta.

- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.

Who's going to be there?

Oh, well, you know,
everybody--

Gavin, the director,
the producer, everybody from the cast,

Timothy, Cheryl--

Cyprus Charlie, who I've managed to
get in the company as my personal dresser.

Oh.

If we're profoundly unlucky,
even Ron will be there.

Good.

Oh, good. I promise not to
go as far as to flirt with him.

Don't you dare.

As soon as he fancies somebody, he
starts coming on with stories...

About his great pals,
Charles and Di.

It's totally revolting.

He uses the queen and her kin
as a sexual lubricant.

Well, listen.
I've got to do something,

Because everybody's going
to be telling you how wonderful you are.

I can just see it: "The
most moving elephant I've ever seen."

I don't think
so. I don't think so.

Somewhere

Up in heaven

There's an angel

With big ears♪♪

An angel

With big ears

A-A-A-And... curtain!

Well.

What can I say?

The entrances
are pathetically sloppy.

The first half
is mind-bendingly slow.

Nobody seems to have
the faintest clue what their lines are.

But it's
a bloody masterpiece!

And... to reward you all
for being so totally wonderful--

Ole!

- Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

See you tomorrow.

Excuse me.

You realize I'm falling
in love with you,

Mr. Dexter King.

Yeah.

It's probably not
a good idea.

Love knows
not good or bad,

But runs wherever
the wild hart leads.

Not a good idea because
you've got a girlfriend?

Yeah.

Well...
I've got a husband.

Is he, um--

Is he--

Is he nice?

He's lovely.

Much nicer than you.

Much.

Much nicer.

Oops.

What time is it?

I'm pooped.

That's fine. That's fine.
I'm pretty pooped myself.

Well, here we are on
the stage of the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane,

Where tomorrow sees
the long-awaited opening of Elephant,

The first-ever musical
to dare to come face-to-face...

With the subject
of elephantiasis.

"Are you enjoying
your new room, John?"

Yes, thank you, Doctor.
It's quite beautiful.

"Excellent.
Oh, hello, matron."

"Hello, Doctor."
"Everything all right, matron?"

"Yes, thank you, Doctor."
"How are you, John?"

- Excellent, matron.
- Good. Again.

- Good morning, Mrs. Hines. Hope you break a leg tonight.
- Thank you, David.

Good morning, Mr. Hall.
Hope you break a leg tonight.

Thank you, David.

Morning, Mr. King. Hope you--

- Good luck tonight.
- Thank you, David.

Come in.

- Ma'am. - - Thank you, Dave.

Yes.

Wonderful.

Are you ready,
Mr. Hall?

Perfectly.

Beginners in position.

The curtain is about to rise.
Thank you.

- Thanks, Mike.
- You're welcome, darling.

- Oh!
- Appendectomy. Ooh!

Go, smoke one.

- This is Frank.
- Hello. - Hello.

Very sexy.
Very stupid.

Go, smoke two.

Oh, my God.
This is it!

Go, Dexter, go! - -

Requiem

Cut smoke. Thank you.

What a dreadful fog

Egads, me lads
It's a real pea-souper

Who
knows what secrets this darkness hides

Who knows what horror
may lurk inside

Roll
up, roll up It's compulsive

Roll up, roll up

Roll up, roll up
He's repulsive

Roll up, roll up

I hear he's strange
as Halley's Comet

I hear he makes you
want to vomit

Roll up, roll up It's compulsive

Roll up, roll up

If you think
I'm strange♪

A lady with a beard.

Take a look over there

He's really weird

Roll up, roll up
as quick as you can

He looks like an elephant
and talks like a man

Roll up, roll up
The tent is busting

Here he comes
Mr. Disgusting

Take a deep breath
Prepare for the worst

The ugliest man
in the universe

I don't know how
to reach hi-i-i-im

He's so distant
Like a priest or a monk

And just when I think
he's staying

I find out

He's packing his trunk

He is a real man♪♪

Not an elephant,

Can he make it

No, he can't

Up soars his soul

Free in this world
of tears

Somewhere up in heaven

There's an angel
with big ears

An angel
with big ears

Cheers.

Oh, thank you very much.

Hey, Charlie. Nice tux.

- Oh, thank you, Dex.
- Yeah, yeah.

I spotted a woman.

She's like a hungry leopard
in full blossom.

Do you think
I stand a chance?

I mean, after all,
I'm only land--

Yeah, possibly. Possibly.

Darling, this is Mary Simmons.
Dexter's agent.

- - Very touching.
- And?

- Kate. Kate.
- This is my wife, Cheryl.

Hello. I thought you were
really good. Well done.

How's
my favorite girl? Darling!

- Bonne chance. Bonne chance.
- Oh!

Oh, you okay?

- To a wonderful job.
- - Oh, thank you.

Hi. Thank you.

Sorry I'm late. I had some
rather special guests at my show tonight.

It's difficult to tell
Prince Charles to fuck off...

Because you got a party to go to.

Hello, Dexter.
The word on the street...

Is that your makeup
is just excellent.

Well, what next?

- Shakespeare.
- Oh, yes.

Back to the bosom
of the bard.

Yes. It's a musical based on
Richard III called Dirty Dick.

Any hits?

Well, there's one called
"I've Got A Hunch I'm Gonna Be King."

It's sounding
pretty good.

I mean,
it's so damn confusing.

One day you're
bowing, calling him "Your Highness,"

And the next,
you're blind drunk...

And trying to stick
a toasted crumpet down his trousers.

- I don't know.
- Mm.

- I've got a hunch I'm gonna be king
- Poop-pee-doop♪

I'm Dirty Dick and killing's my thing♪♪♪♪ - Gadzooks!

- Excuse me. You were... brilliant.
- Oh.

You were just... brilliant.

Thank you very much.

Lovely.

Thank God that's over.

You were very good.

Oh.

I don't know. I think
people could have been...

A little more original
with the presents.

Six Babars, three Dumbos
and two Celestes.

But wait. I'll show you
something. Look at this.

You wanna see odd-- a pig.

What-- What is the pig person
thinking about?

Well, maybe they'd run out of elephants.

There you go.
Maybe so.

Whatcha doin'?

I'm packing a case.

Why you doing that?

Because I'm leaving here,
and I'm not coming back.

What? What? What?

Because you've been
having an affair with that lady, Cheryl.

If you try and deny it,
it will be very grim. It's true, isn't it?

It's not an affair.

- Ah.
- Who told you?

Um, well, she did, really,

Tonight while we
were at the party,

'Cause you went up to her
and you handed her a drink.

- And, um, she didn't say "thank you" or she didn't even smile. HTTP error: 502 - Error 502 : <!DOCTYPE html> <html lang=en> <meta charset=utf-8> <meta name=viewport content="initial-scale=1, minimum-scale=1, width=device-width"> <title>Error 502 : <!DOCTYPE html> <html lang=en> <meta charset=utf-8> <meta name=viewport content="initial-scale=1, minimum-scale=1, width=device-width"> <title>Error 502 !!