Original subtitles

POP

Well, well, well.

Ooh! Oh, no, no.

Yes! Ah!

SHE HISSES, BELL RINGS

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Ah!

Um...

Quite windy today. Yeah.

Christ.

Ooh! Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby.

OK.

Oh, my God!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ooh!

SHE BABBLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, hello, welcome. Welcome to Taskmaster.

A show that if my social media communications are anything

to go by, attracts sociopathic nerds who mistakenly believe they have

the right to reply. LAUGHING

As do the following five task titans.

Please welcome Joanne McNally... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..John Robins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Nick Mohammed... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sophie Willan... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Steve Pemberton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who on a night out recently confided in me

about his theory that strength of regional accent is

directly related to lack of intelligence.

LAUGHING

Don't shoot the messenger... LAUGHING

..shoot little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's an opinion, it's just an opinion.

Hello, Greg. Hello, there.

So I wanna...I wanna talk about something quite,

uh, grown-up. A bit...a bit of adult stuff.

So sorry but what...what's that under there? Hmm.

Greg, what's that under there?

Where? W...no, what's that under there?

Under where? Ah! Underwear. She said underwear.

She...she said underwear. Huh? Yeah? APPLAUSE

I like that.

Shall we have the prize task?

We shall see a prize task,

and things are gonna get hot in here,

because we're gonna get to see their most extraordinary pictures.

Five points for the picture Greg thinks is the most extraordinary,

and one lucky winner will take home five extraordinary pictures.

Hello, Sophie. Oh, hello.

What extra-ordinary picture have you brought me?

I've set up a little studio in me dressing room. And I made you this.

LAUGHING Aww, that's great.It's good!

It's the dancing vole!

From episode one.

I think that's great. Really?

Well, let me give you a different take on it, Nick.

Why is it extraordinary? I mean it's extraordinary

to discover that you've got some level of ability at art.

What, really? You think so? Have I?

Well, I mean... You know. Yeah. GC...GCSE.

I think why it's extraordinary is look at the fur at

the ends that's fli...flinging off. That was purposeful.

Could it be a vole that's very recently died?

LAUGHING

I thought it was running into a fire.

LAUGHING

It's neither bad nor extraordinary.

Well done, Sophie. Thank you. Thanks.

Nick, what have you brought in?

Well, ah... So this is a picture that I have taken.

And it's a picture of a sign outside of

a church quite near where I live.

And I just find it extraordinary that "teas" is...is so big.

LAUGHING

So it's like, why are they scream...

"TEAS!!" Like, why are they screaming "teas"?

There's a slight raise of voice on "till" and "Sunday",

as well, isn't there? Yeah. Yeah.

St Anne's Church, home-made cream TEAS, 3pm TILL 5pm SUNDAY. SUNDAY.

LAUGHING

Scared the shit out of me, that. Sorry.

LAUGHING It is extraordinary.

Thanks, Greg.

John. Hi, Greg.

Can you beat a shouty sign?

We all work in entertainment in various forms.

And people watching us might think that's a very

glamorous industry. Hmm.

However, my picture was, uh, taken of a comedian called Paul McCaffrey

and captures the true bleakness of being

a travelling comedian better than any image

in the history of civilisation. LAUGHING

Jesus Christ, that's a build-up.

LAUGHING

Oh, my God. I have been in that chair.

LAUGHING

I love that he's being papped in a restaurant.

He's being recognised from a TV show

and the guy taking the picture is sort of unaware of

the moment of complete sort of...

It's a mixture of self-hatred. Yeah.

It's...it's...

..it's bafflement at how life turned out this way.

Just... Do you know what, when I first saw it,

I didn't even realise that someone had taken that picture

and posted it. I thought it was someone Paul knew. No.

But no, it's a member of the public. LAUGHING

Wow, that's gonna take some beating. Joanne.

You said an extraordinary picture

and I was like, "Mine's more experiential."

Mine's a thought, a movement, an experience.

Ready? Yeah. Ready. Ready for the experience.

I'm gonna turn away and then I'm gonna experience it.

No, you have to look at it to experience it.

LAUGHING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

There, look. Oh, Che, yeah.

LAUGHTER

That's Che Guevara.

I-I know who it is.

On a balloon. Yeah.

I thought it was important to just raise awareness.

Of Che Guevara? Of Che Guevara?

Of Che on a balloon. Yeah.

And if I, if you give me the five points

I will donate my fee to the Cuban revolution.

LAUGHTER

They do have a GoFundMe, I've just found out,

the Cuban revolution. I...

LAUGHTER

What is the political statement you were making?

I'm making the statement that balloons are...

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Inflation. Balloons are pricey,

that's it, inflation!

Inflation. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Actually, you didn't say it had to be extraordinarily good,

you just said extraordinary.

Mine's extraordinarily shite.

Ah. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Hello, Steve. Hello. You all right?

What I've brought in is a photograph of two friends.

Here it is. Ah.

LAUGHTER

SOPHIE: That's terrifying.

STEVE: The gentleman on the right, uh, who,

whose name is, uh, Glug Gravies.

Um, he was a,

a geography teacher who took early retirement.

And then his friend, Alan Hornes, runs a pub quiz.

It is sinister, isn't it?

I mean we're not...

..we're not great-looking guys with our own faces,

but Jesus Christ. LAUGHTER

You must have thought about it, though.

You... I must have thought about swapping our faces?

Hmm. No. On a long flight all I think about is your torso

and one of my eyes, one of yours,

your legs, my arms

and just see what, you know, see how that works.

LAUGHTER

It's funny, innit, it's a relatively short thing he said to me

and yet I still tuned out halfway through.

LAUGHTER

Sometimes, I just mark on instinct. Hmm. OK.

I, I didn't find Che Guevara's balloon going down

even remotely extraordinary, I'm giving it one point.

I don't like looking at our faces,

even if they're chopped off

and put on the other face, I'm giving that two points.

I think you're perfectly good at art.

All right, thank you, I'll take that.

I'll give you three points.

Shouty teas, four points.

The Paul McCaffrey scream of despair, five points.

OK, well done, John Robins, five points.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's get on with the task proper, shall we?

OK then, Greg.

And get a load of this one, if you can bear it.

DOORBELL RINGS

Alex. Nick Mohammed.

Hi, yes.

Present. Thank you.

Oh, what are you wearing?

My special belt.

Hello. I was hiding.

You were hiding? You look like a sort of action hero.

Or as close to an action hero as you're ever gonna look.

Sophie. Yes. Are you all right?

Just taking precautions.

Right. Oh, God, OK.

Hello.

You wearing a girdle?

Be the most impressive load bearer.

Be the most impressive load bearer. Hmm.

In 15 minutes' time, you must stand on the doormat,

wave with one hand above your head

and give a nice big thumbs up with the other,

whilst bearing the most impressive load.

Right.

Your load must not be touching anything other than you.

Your time starts when Alex interrupts you.

It's called a support belt.

Your time starts when Alex int...

I'm wearing a girdle, Steve.

You're wearing a girdle.

Your time starts when Alex inter.. Good luck with the task!

I've started the clock. Oh, yeah.

Your time starts...

..when Alex...

..interrupts you. You.

I-I missed my opportunity. I'm gonna try again.

You have to say something.

I'll have to interrupt you physically.

Does that count? Fair enough, mate. I'm wearing a weightlifter's belt!

A good sign of Alex being an absolute narcissist, I think,

the attention he wanted for wearing that weightlifter's belt.

There's no reason for him to wear it.

He's just going, "Everyone look at me."

Everyone goes, "Oh, he's such a nice guy."

He's not, the guy's a prick.

LAUGHTER Um, OK.

it's all about load bearing, right?

Yeah. We start with a bit of Jo and a bit of So.

OK, well, I suppose I'll take that.

Yeah, yeah.

It's...what's this for, to balance it out?

It's for strong men.

Oh, so can I stick stuff in there?

Do whatever you want, Joanne.

Hmm, what's impressive as a load?

What's an impressive load?

Like, could I wear that around my neck?

No.

Brought the bucket of balls.

I mean, look, to be honest, a lot of this is just looking in that shed

and sort of having a panic attack, isn't it, really?

LAUGHTER Well, well, well. Look at this.

I think it's all about utilising different structures, isn't it,

within your own body.

Are you in pain?

Not at all.

I never felt better.

So I've maximised the load by using the pegging system.

Yeah. But that's a load in itself

and then I've loaded the loader

and then there's some steering wheels

and hula hoops around the neck for balance.

Oh, and a plunger in there somewhere, yeah, look at that.

Lovely.

This is good cos then what I can do

is put the balls on the skirt.

Shall I just pour them in? Yeah.

I'm ready.

Right.

It's quite wet. Yeah, it, it is quite wet,

I wasn't expecting that, were you?

No.

Release.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

WHISTLE BLOWS, DISH CLATTERS

Did anyone...? No-one saw that, did they?

APPLAUSE

Well, interesting.

I-I thought both ladies did what we call on this show

a shed panic.

LAUGHTER

Joanne. Yeah. Did you think it was impressive?

I mean, yeah. Ah.

I clipped all the cutlery

individually onto that pegging thing.

I mean that's the one thing

I would say you did, you did quite well.

Yeah. Aside from that, what I wrote down is, you,

"You look like an old lady who's had a fall into a room of her own tat."

LAUGHTER

This is Sophie and Joanne bearing their impressive loads.

LAUGHTER

If I didn't know what this task was,

I wouldn't say that woman's got an impressive load.

Yeah. I look deranged, I...

Oh, oh.

You, I mean you look like you've done a lot of shouting in a high street.

LAUGHTER

You, Sophie looks like she's turned up to

a beach party that everyone has desperately tried

to stop her finding out about.

LAUGHTER

I mean, it's hard to know which one of these two

you want to turn up l-less.

Both, both of them are saying, "I didn't get any of the WhatsApps."

Have you got some statistics for me? Yes, we did weigh

the amount of load they,

they were bearing. Uh,

Sophie, 13.2kg

versus 5.4 for Joanne,

half of which was the traffic cone. LAUGHTER

Right, who are we gonna see next?

It's time to get a load of Nick and Steve.

Bear an impressive load.

Bear.

Bear.

Bear. Bear.

Got a rare tiger, don't know why.

But it's quite impressive, also it's got a sort of natural...

How heavy is the caravan?

I'm only kidding.

Um, is there some dress-up clothes?

If you go into the secret room.

The secret room. Yeah, it's in the caravan. Ah.

Right, if there's a way of sort of doing kind of.

Have you done this sort of thing before?

No. Right.

Have you found the secret room? Um...

This? Yeah. Oh, my God!

You're kidding! Oh, my God, this is amazing.

NICK GRUNTS Come on, Linda.

Nick. Oh, yeah.

Um, right.

What I'm gonna do is create somebody who's riding the tiger

and the tiger and the person are on my back.

We can do this.

We can do this.

Another six inches, Steve.

It's easy for you to say.

How to do it and still maintain some dignity,

that is the question.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

OK.

Oh, oh, oh.

There you are.

It's quite windy, Steve. Yeah.

How long have I got, Alex?

You've got two minutes, Nick.

We are attempting something that's not been attempted before on UK TV.

APPLAUSE

Oh, you've kept your dignity. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, Steve, what a...what a showman.

You know what, when I found out there was a secret dressing-up room,

I was that little five-year-old boy again.

And to see you acting like a five-year-old boy was very creepy.

LAUGHTER

One of my favourite moments from the series so far is

the question and answer,

"Have you ever done this before?" "No."

The way you picked that chair up I thought oh,

well he's obviously done street performance or something.

The confidence with which you...

Uh, yeah, I can pick up a chair.

LAUGHTER

You didn't have to wave

and do the thumbs up for any certain length of time but...

Oh, you just had to be able to do it. Very, very briefly, you did it.

Oh, the load was on his chin. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Right, I'm suspending all joy for a few minutes.

Why? For these adverts.

APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody.

Welcome back to the second part of today's Taskmaster hour.

Yes, and as Darwin said, a man who dares to waste one hour of time

has not discovered the value of life. Whoopsie.

LAUGHTER Our contestants are trying to become

the most impressive load bearers.

We only have one man left to see and his John is Robins.

Oh, I don't mind that.

Have we got any model Gregs around

because it would be quite impressive to have Greg on the old shoulders?

Yeah, I can get you some Gregs.

Yeah, can you get me some Gregs, please.

I've got some little Gregs

and I've got one more big Greg coming.

So, what I'm thinking is...

..well, it's a classic case of a gutter of Gregs.

LAUGHTER

John. Yes, uh, Alex.

Got a Greg for you. Oh, this is good stuff.

A Greg for your gutter.

This is great.

Greg. This is Greg, sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to present

the most impressive load ever carried by man or woman,

feast your eyes on the one and only

gutter of Gregs!

Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there is nothing we cannot do with a gutter of Gregs.

WHISTLE BLOWS That's your time up, John.

Thank you, Alex.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. APPLAUSE

You think that appealing to my ego

is gonna get you points on this show, do you?

Yeah. Very wise.

LAUGHTER

Well, you just have to work out how impressed you are.

So, first of all - Sophie and Joanne, who looked like this.

Yeah. LAUGHTER

And then the three gentlemen, uh, did these things.

SOPHIE: Oh, that's, yeah. We have Nick.

Come on, that looks good.

NICK: Why have they blurred the cow's face out?

LAUGHTER We have Steve.

That doesn't look as good as I remember, Steve.

And then we have John's.

It's a bit much, though, isn't it?

It is.

I'm sorry, Joanne, yours is the least impressive final load.

One to Joanne. Five.

Two points for Sophie.

Three for Steve, the narrative was impressive. OK.

I'm showing humility by giving four points to John,

and I'm sorry - the final image that I found the most impressive

was old snooker cue umbrella chin, and I stand by it.

Five points to Nick Mohammed. Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can you tell me the scores?

Uh, yes, Sophie and Steve both on five,

John and Nick both on nine!

CHEERING And Joanne is there on two.

What is next, young fellow, m'lad?

Ooh, well, let's just sit back

and have a right laugh watching the Fresh Prince of Mid-Air.

What on Earth is going on in here, then?

Oh!

Oh, that's clever, in't it.

Ooh, yeah.

Wow.

It took me a while to get it just right.

Yeah.

Magic.

Lovely, love it.

Hi, Nick.

Hi, Alex.

Could you turn the hairdryer off? It's a bit noisy.

Yeah, sure. Oh.

That was very good. Yeah?

Oh, I saw that. Pardon?

Cheeky. What do you mean?

The string and the... there was a lot going on there.

Oh, I did it too early.

SHE LAUGHS

Take the most dramatic photo of yourself in mid-air.

You have 15 minutes and may take five photos.

In mid-air? I've never been a good jumper.

Your time starts now.

Well, this is gonna be a health and safety ball ache, isn't it?

The most dramatic photo of yourself.

Do you know what I'd love, is to get, you know,

the hair bands that they wear, the really bad knives to your head?

Do you have to be actually in mid-air

or could you be pretending to levitate?

We've got a hairdryer. We have got a hairdryer.

Ooh. No. Yes, OK.

I've been doing a selfie on the top of a very tall building.

I've fallen and I'm plunging as I'm talking the selfie.

I'll have a wander. Yeah, see what strikes you.

I'll have a wander and a think.

Photo of yourself in the air.

Right I'm gonna have a wander round. Yeah.

Yeah, that hasn't been very helpful, wandering around, really.

APPLAUSE

You got a history of jumping, Sophie?

No, I'm not a great jumper. I'm more of a slut dropper.

I'm very floor-based with my movement, yeah.

OK. Joanne?

I do all my own stunts. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Always have, always will. I enjoy the adrenaline.

Highest you've ever jumped? You know I'm not great on measurements, now.

I'd say like a metre.

Shall we all have a little jump?

Yeah, why not.

Shall we all have a little jump?

Nick, you may as well sit down. No, I'm quite good.

LAUGHTER Genuinely quite good.

Three, two, one, jump.

It was Nick. It was Nick.

It was Nick. Good. Yeah.

I apologise. Can we see them in mid-air?

Well, we're going to see them montaging first of all,

and then we'll see the photos, so enjoy this, Greg.

Right, well, we need to light a fire. We can light a fire.

Good, let's light a fire.

Right, now Alex, I might need a bit of help.

OK. Do you want me to come with you?

Yeah, please, yes.

Now, I've been experimenting with how to get some G-force into my face.

'Course you have.

I thought this would be quite a nice... Huh?

Do you feel.... Yeah. ..G-force on my face?

Horrible. Ah, yeah.

Wow.

It's my big day. How's the day gone?

It started out OK. Things took a turn. Yeah.

One, two, three. Go.

LAUGHTER

Hang on, hang on.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Right.

I've got my parachute.

Your what?

My parachute.

Ready?

Good luck. Thank you.

Oh, no, I'm gonna need...

You're gonna need to take me from higher up, Alex.

Oh.

Go!

You've gotta give me some G-force.

Go.

You ready? Here we go. On your marks. Yeah. Go.

Yeah, not bad.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can you justify to me that you were in mid-air, Nick?

You know when you put just a few things in a washing machine

and it's going round quite slow. They sort of... there is a moment

where they sort of suspend, as it's kind of...

Yes, of course they are technically in mid-air,

so that's what you were hoping for. The way I interpreted it... Yes.

..was I was watching a father of three rammed into some tyres

being pushed into some baked bean cans. I was very tyre-d.

OK, here is Nick dramatically in mid-air.

LAUGHTER

I mean you arguably could, couldn't be less mid-air.

Whose can we see next? Jilted Joanne.

I think you might be back in the game.

Taskmaster's proving to me that I have the creativity of

a wheelie bin.

So, this is a jilted bride on her wedding day.

She's just found out her husband's riding the nanny.

Did you say why she's wearing an eye-patch?

She's just had laser, she's just had laser eye.

ALEX: And that's for the wedding?

On the way to the wedding.

God, she's had a bad day, hasn't he? Exactly.

It's a hell of an image.

If you want to see the rest of their mid-air pictures, you're gonna have

to come back promptly, and if you're off for a poo,

do factor-in the wipe, you never

factor-in wipe time. Go on, off you pop.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back to another

life-affirming episode of Taskmaster.

We're part way seeing some dramatic mid-air pictures, aren't we, Alex?

Oh, we sure are, and Nick rolled around in some tyres.

The next picture is the one taken by Sophie in mid-air.

I mean, I cannot wait.

APPLAUSE

Was it another shed panic, did you run into...? No, no,

I planned this. I've been wanting to get him in that pigeon head from

the moment I saw him.

People do, people do. Yeah.

And how nice for once that it's

the pigeons themselves that are covered in shit.

All right, who's next?

Do you want to see Robins in flight?

Please.

Bloody hell. NICK: That's great.

That's good.

ALEX: He's been shot out of the cannon.

He's going towards the little bucket of fire.

No eye-patch, though.

LAUGHTER

Did you get in a cannon?

Yes.

You really want this, don't you?

Well, I mean, look at the air.

Look at the air I've got, I'm pleased with that.

You've got nice air. You've got a bucket of fire.

You've got a pretend cannon

and you've got that prick. There's a lot there.

Who's next? The final one -

have a look at Steve Pemberton in mid-air.

STEVE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Oh, it's a failed parachute.

It's a failed parachute.

I like the cut rope, that's drama. Yes.

This captures the moment of realisation

that he's going to splat.

SOPHIE: Oh.

STEVE: And you see the, the G-force?

I hoped that they would've painted out the elastic band, which...

You would hope they would've made it look like

you were in mid-air as well.

LAUGHTER

I'll put all five up for you, Greg,

and then you can work out which is the most dramatic mid-air picture.

Oh, Christ. There they are. OK, well, let's...

..let's deal with Nick first of all.

Right, of course, of course.

LAUGHING: OK.

It looks like a completely different task.

Well, I'm gonna give you one point for that. Thank you.

You're welcome. Thank you.

And then there's got to be a jump up.

I'm gonna give John,

Joanne and Steve four points.

But I'm gonna give that insane

pigeon madness five.

I don't know why, I just think it's the most dramatic

because possibly,

because I'm worried about her state of mind.

But that's, that's the way I'm scoring it. Four, four, four, five.

APPLAUSE

Let's try and squeeze another one in, shall we?

Ooh, er, vicar, isn't it?

One more, then, and it's a tie.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, Joanne. Hi, Alex.

Wanna have a little lie down?

Ooh.

Hello.

Hello. Oh, hello. Make yourself comfortable.

I shall.

Oh, lovely.

Just nice to have a lay down, isn't it?

Ah, OK.

I'm quite TIE-red.

There goes the task, shall I get it now?

Can you reach? Yeah.

Ah,

and I've got a tie as a bonus.

Ah, this is nice.

JOANNE: Tie yourself to the bed.

Most tied-up person wins.

You must be horizontal whilst in the lab.

If you pull down

the terrible tie, you are disqualified.

Oh, how do I know which is the terrible tie?

Oh, you'll know.

Your time starts now.

Is, is...

..is going up like that horizontal?

Going up like what? Like that.

Ooh, no, that's not horizontal. Is that horizontal?

No!

So this is horizontal. That's horizontal.

So I need something to help me access.

Just out of reach, Alex.

How the fuck do I take them down?

I sometimes wonder whether you knew that the,

what the show was that you were signing up to.

They said the less you watched it, the better. That's what they said.

They say that to everyone.

You do fairly regularly seem incredulous

about being asked to do things.

Let's just have a look at it.

OK, well, we're gonna start with J&J -

no, not the American multi-national pharmaceutical and medical technologies corporation -

it's Joanne and John.

Can I levit...? I can't... I'd have to levitate myself up.

Uh, if you could levitate horizontally, that'd be perfect.

This is a bad idea. That's not a good idea.

Don't hit yourself in the face with a buckle.

What do you need?

I need the ties. Yeah.

I obviously c... Oh, no, thank you.

Ah, for God's sake.

Ah, thank God.

Here we go.

Doesn't look terrible to me.

This is real '80s dad vibes, isn't it?

Is that tied to the bed?

Yeah. Oh, no.

Some of the ties seem to have prayers on them, Alex.

Is it a prayer?

Why do you think it's a prayer, John?

What else are you going on write on a tie?

Oh, it's Welsh.

HE READS WELSH

This is something from like a really low-end brothel, isn't it?

Hate the low-end ones.

At what point are you gonna start tying yourself together?

Maybe I'll make a start.

It's kind of like a survival course but I,

I'd actually rather drink a jar of piss than do this.

Right, I'll put that down. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Ah, this is good.

I don't know why I stayed the wrong way round for so long!

LAUGHTER

Right, you have still got one minute.

Is that the terrible tie?

SHE ATTEMPTS TO READ WELSH

You've got 20 seconds.

This better not be some snuff movie, now.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Two on the head and one on the wrist, is it?

OK, I'm just gonna just check on the,

on the ties.

You're so mean! Yes, it's tied.

The rest are good, Joanne.

Thanks, John, you seem pretty tied up.

HE LAUGHS This is actually quite tight.

I'll be in my dressing room if anyone needs me.

Right.

I'm so sorry that I can't give extra points for the,

for your exit.

Cos it was really impressive.

They didn't stop me, no-one said they'd untie me.

At one point, you announced that the experience,

uh, was like a low-end brothel.

Yeah. And, uh, at the time you were

a woman tied to a camp bed with one tie.

A lazy brothel of middle-aged men, yeah.

Uh, but she did well. She got a lot of ties on.

Yeah, she tied herself up with 15 ties.

Uh, John was two on the hands, one on the wrist,

and then ten ties all tied together

to make one long tie rope, which went round his middle and his chest.

Good. Who's next?

OK, now it's for a tie between Bolton and Leeds.

Oh. It's Sophie and Nick.

I'm just gonna strategise here first.

OK, how long are you gonna strategise for?

Um, just...

..just a second.

I thi...I'm, I'm done.

Whilst in the lab, you must be horizontal.

So does that mean that my sort of back

has to be parallel to the floor?

Exactly that. But I could be on all fours, couldn't I?

So that's allowed, isn't it?

That's horizontal.

There's something I've missed, isn't there?

Because this is what you kind of...

..you know, it's usually how it works, isn't it?

There's something I've missed in the room.

It didn't say I need to use a tie to tie myself to the bed.

That was the trick, whilst in this room.

I've got it, I know what I'm doing.

Make sure you're horizontal.

I'm, I am. Quite a,

quite a fall there, so be careful. Ooh, yeah.

Horizontal, but then as soon as I've left,

I can actually be any...

How long have I got, Greg?

Pardon? Uh, Alex.

No-one's ever called me Greg before.

Ever, in the whole show?

Ever, in the whole show, I've been waiting. Thank you.

Right.

Hello.

Ah, right.

Oh.

Uh, sugar. Um...

I've got a lot of rope and no way of doing it.

Feel like there's something I've not got right here.

Tie yourself to the bed.

You've gotta be horizontal whilst in the lab.

Whilst in the lab?

I can't get out, out now.

You've got three and a half minutes.

And I don't,

but I don't know what this is gaining me.

Um...

I don't think I've done this one right.

LAUGHTER

One minute left.

Yeah.

Thread it through. Thread it through.

Are you threading it through?

Yeah. Through the bed and over me,

so there's no way I'm not roped in here.

Works quite well, actually.

One minute left. Right. Oh, God, quick.

Yeah.

SHE SIGHS, WHISTLE BLOWS

No. Um...

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, so close.

So you're still tied to the bed?

Very much, I mean, it's a very efficient tie.

Yeah, too efficient, really.

Ah.

There we go.

Bye then, Nick.

See you later, Alex.

I'll get the door, don't worry.

Yeah.

No, I am stuck now, I think.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My favourite moment of both of those

is just hearing Nick's little voice say,

"I don't think I've done this one well."

You can't actually see my face at that point,

but I was crying.

I was actually crying.

Talk me through the strategy. It was quite good, I thought.

I don't think I had one, really.

You went and got a rope. I did. Just crawled about

and got a rope and tied myself up.

Well, don't talk yourself down, you saw what Nick was doing.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nick, what was going through your mind when you were

crawling around on the floor with a camp bed strapped to your back?

I felt like a wood louse that had inverted itself

and just couldn't get back. Once I,

once I flipped, I just couldn't, there was nothing I could do. No!

Yeah. But what I'm interested in is why did you flip?

Yeah, well, it's a good question. Yeah, yeah.

That's another part done,

join us for part four,

when one lucky winner has to look happy onstage with

a deflated Che Guevara balloon.

This is primetime, baby.

They can't take the BAFTA off us now!

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's the last part of the show

and there is a tricky tie task which needs completing.

That's right, Greg, they're trying

to tie themselves up as best as possible, while lying horizontally.

But if during the process they pull down

the terrible tie, it's all over.

Finally, a man perhaps best known

for his role as Mattis in Free Jimmy,

the 2006 animation which also starred Woody Harrelson,

it's Steve Pemberton.

Oh, now you're talking.

I want to higher the bed.

So if I come off here.

I thought there'd be a way to screw, ah, bollocks.

Is this the horrible one?

Ah, it's something in Welsh.

Come on!

This is like sort of hook-a-duck but with ties

and lying down.

I want different body parts involved.

Oh, thank you, God.

The tie gods are shining down on me.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Oh!

Ah.

I can't keep up with the number of ties

the tie gods are giving me.

It's a whole TIE-rade!

Oh.

20 seconds.

OK, I think I'm done. I'll enjoy it now.

Five seconds left. OK.

WHISTLE BLOWS If you could leave the lab now,

that'd be great. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE ALEX: We left him there.

He was so violent with the mechanism,

he whacked it and he put it off at an angle, so they couldn't,

they had nowhere to go but fall on top of Steve.

And he tied 28 ties. AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Attached himself to the bed.

Each of his fingers was tied up. GREG WHISTLES

Individual fingers, mouth, head, pelvis.

Not through the pelvic bone but... No. No.

I mean, do you wanna win or not?

Um, let's talk about this,

uh, Welsh tie business. They weren't prayers.

No, they were my family mottos.

There's the green one - that's the one that Joanne got

and obviously that says, uh,

"Know what you want and have the confidence to go after it."

That's what I wore on my stag night.

Nice.

Joanne and John both got the yellow one down.

"Don't watch the clock - do what it does. Keep going."

I wore that on my wedding day.

Uh, purple, Steve got the purple one.

Which says, "Whoever is happy will make others happy too."

And then the red tie of course, uh,

my dad's tie which says, "This is the terrible tie."

And that was brought down by Mr Steve Pemberton.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

Of all the ties to rain down on me.

Poor Steve is out.

I liked Sophie's attempt

and I thought the rope was impressive, so I'm going to reward it.

Woo. Most tied-up person wins.

She was the most tied-up person.

Yes. And then we'll do it according to the amount of ties.

That were used. OK, well it's two points to Nick,

three to John, four to Joanne,

five points to Sophie Willan!

Can we have a look at the scores?

Yes, Sophie's got a chance of winning,

she's on 15, John is on the top with 16 points.

Wow, still ahead.

APPLAUSE

She's in with a shot.

All right, well, here we are.

Make your way to the stage,

final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

What's cooking, good-looking?

Who's reading the task out?

Uh, I think Steve Pemberton's going to read this one out.

Is he? Oh, yes.

Park a vehicle in the parking bay.

Your vehicle must be rolled whilst standing on the spot,

and the worst parker each round, is eliminated.

It's a parking challenge.

We have four parking bays there.

So in round one, you've gotta try to park one of these vehicles

in parking space number one.

So you can now write down what order

you want to park your vehicles.

As always happens in this show, Greg,

the person in the lead goes first.

On this occasion it's John. So, John, you have selected the car.

Yeah. You must stay on the gold circle.

You're aiming for parking bay number one.

John, park that car.

AUDIENCE: Ooh. APPLAUSE

Not a bad start.

He's popped into two. LAUGHTER

Right, it's Sophie next.

Bring your little version of yourself with you.

That's lovely. LAUGHTER

No. No, it's gone too far, fuck!

APPLAUSE Not too bad, it's not a disaster.

It, it is a bit, let's be honest.

It's not great.

Nick, you're up next. I'm third.

And you've selected the buggy.

Yes. You've just, you can just slot your little legs.

My own or...? Well, either's fine.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Very clever.

He's definitely made it through to round two, I can tell you that.

Yeah, well done.

OK, Joanne McNally, you're up next. OK.

You have chosen the horse. Yeah.

Oh, ooh. Go on!

It's safe, she is safely through. Well done.

APPLAUSE

Right, finally it's Steve Pemberton.

What have you selected first of all?

I've selected the trolley.

OK.

Yeah. Ooh.

Is it enough? Let's have a look.

Arguably, Sophie's only chance at winning an episode...

..has just been dashed against the rocks.

Fine.

Unfortunately, Sophie, you've been eliminated in round one.

Have I? And I must...

..I must take small Sophie away from you.

No. Yeah. LAUGHTER

Oh. Sit on the bench of shame.

Sit on the what? The bench of shame.

Right, round two. It is sad. John, you're up first.

You've picked the trolley, so if you wanna mount the trolley.

This is aiming for number two, of course.

Gosh, yeah. Oh.

It's hard to get the balance right with that trolley.

Yeah.

Parking bay two.

Nick also with the trolley.

Oh, God. Confident.

Bold. My, God. Oh!

APPLAUSE

That was electric.

Joanne, you've selected the car.

And do you remember what happened the first time the car was used?

It went too far.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna win, Alex.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE MEMBER SCREAMS

Ah.

I fucked up. AUDIENCE: Aw.

JOHN: I've gotta say, despite being in the drop zone,

I didn't wanna see that.

Steve, you're up. What have you chosen?

I've chosen the buggy.

You step on that board I'm gonna come up there like a windmill.

Oh, that's lovely. This is looking good.

Yeah, that is lovely.

Woo! APPLAUSE

And that is how you park a child.

Joanne's out. Tragic.

OK, it's the penultimate round.

John Robins, again, up first. Picked the horse.

So, John, you're aiming for parking bay number three, of course.

OK.

Oh, my God.

It's very level, it's very level.

OK it's, uh, Nick Mohammed, what are you going with?

I'm going with horse as well.

Oh, really, well you've seen how to do it.

Good luck, Nick.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

I think I'm out.

Well, there's still Steve, he just needs to not do that.

The slightest shove will do it, Steve. What have you picked?

I've got horse as well. John, any advice on the horse?

Just whack it right off the end.

Whack it.

Ooh. Really good.

Oh, good stuff. You've made it through to round three, well done.

APPLAUSE

Greg, I'm afraid we have to say goodbye to Nick Mohammed.

APPLAUSE

OK, so it's Pemberton versus Robins,

and it's been a theme of the series so far.

In the final round, you both push at the same time.

Oh, a twist!

Yes. Oh, my God.

This to the glue factory now?

Get in your vehicles, guys.

Clear the Knappett.

Oh, that's lovely to see.

APPLAUSE

So you must roll on the whistle.

I am genuinely excited.

Three, two, one.

WHISTLE BLOWS Ooh.

Oh, my God.

Pemberton!

Pemberton takes it!

That is classic Pemberton. LAUGHTER

Well done, we'll add that to your final scores,

come down and join me, well done.

APPLAUSE

Tell you what, Pemberton can park.

It's not me, it's the little guy.

I have totted-up the scores now, Greg,

and those five points for Pemberton...

..have very little bearing on the final scores because

the third episode in a row has been won

by Mr John Robins!

Oh, gosh.

APPLAUSE

John Robins wins!

Please pick up your extraordinary pictures!

So, what have we learnt from today's show?

Well, we all know that life has its ups and its downs.

Everybody has their struggles,

but whatever you've been through,

whatever you're going through, do remember...

..things could always be worse.

LAUGHTER

That's us halfway through the series

and this is your champion of the night, Mr John Robins!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bed Media