All language subtitles for Mark.Normand.None.Too.Pleased.2026.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

Start clapping right now
for Mark Normand, everybody!

It's still crunchy, isn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mark Normand!

Hey.

Golly, huh?

All right!

Whoo! Hey, we're really doing it.

Here we are. Boulder, baby. Sin City.

Yeah!

What a town. I love it here.
It's like if Texas raped Portland. Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Real mountain men. You guys are tough, but
you're still crunchy. Know what I mean?

Yeah, like, sir, you could probably
beat my ass, but I bet you still recycle.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

You guys party, but you're still green.

You'll do blow,
but it'll be through a paper straw. Yeah?

Woo! All right.

My first time here.
This place is goddamn magical.

I love it here. It's, uh…

Great! It's a special place.

Oh my God!

'Cause I'm usually in Denver, this is much

cleaner, you know?

You go on that 16th Street Mall
down there,

you see some real twitchy weirdos
on that… that train.

It's the only place you can see a heroin
addict next to a Jamba Juice, you know?

Nice town you got here.

You know, I see a lot
of BLM signs and no Black people.

That's exciting. Yeah?

Very cool.

I like your style. Smart.

Oh, yeah.

We'll have fun. I should warn you,
I will say horrific shit,

but it's all jokes, just fun,
don't Will Smith me, all right?

I'm glad Chris Rock didn't make a joke
about Alec Baldwin's wife.

All right.

Okay. Just testing the water,
see what I get away with. Yeah?

You gotta put a pinky in
before the fist. All right.

She knows. All right. Here we go.

It's good to be here in the mountains.
I live in New York City. I live by NYU.

Lot of young, hip college kids.
They're all cool, hip and young.

They're all gay. Yeah?

Feels like every young person is gay now.
It's cool to be gay. It's in style.

Wish that was going on when I was a kid.

Yeah, I got beat up for being gay, and

I'm not even gay.

What the hell, man?

I have gay friends, "Know how hard
it was to come out in high school?"

I'm like, "I got beat up, too.
I didn't get to blow anybody, huh?"

I got bullied a lot growing up.

The big three,
I got called "gay," "Jew," and "retard."

And I'm none of those things, but…

I could pass. You know?

That was bullying when I was a kid.

Now it's shifted. Now bullying is calling
someone racist, homophobic, or misogynist.

I'm none of those, either, but…

I could pass. Yeah?

But I try to support.

Like, I'd like to have sex
with a non-binary person,

just because it sounds like
you had a threesome, huh?

I was like, "How was that date?"

"Oh, it went well."
'Oh, yeah? Did you have sex with her?"

"No, no, them."

"Oh, yeah, they were all over me."

"It was pretty wet and wild."

"Really? Squirter?"

"Well, we'll just say 'fluid.'"

Yeah.

Okay. All right, hey, family.

Um…

You know, people get mad
about trans stuff. That's a touchy one.

People are like, "Ah, trans people exist."

I don't know. I look at trans
the same way I look at crypto.

I don't understand all of it,
but I've lost a lot of money on both.

All right.

Yeah.

And trans women
looking damn good now, huh?

Every time I see one,
it's like a new video game.

Like, whoa, technology's getting good.

Because I got to tell you, in the '90s,
those graphics were rough.

In the '90s, trans women
were like Ms. Pac-Man.

Just Pac-Man, but with a bow in the hair.
That was about it, you know?

Now trans women are like AI.
I'm like, "Damn, look at that."

My friend's like, "It's not
what you think." I'm like, "I don't care."

"I'll hit that joystick."

Yeah.

Feels like transitioning's up.

My childhood friend transitioned
from a dude to a lady.

She was like, "I want us to still be
friends." I don't want anything to change.

And I was like, "Well, you started it."

She was like, "Got a problem with trans
people?" I was like, "It's not that."

"I'm just kind of attracted to you now."

"Weird. We've been friends
for years. We can finally hook up."

She was like,
"I just want to be your friend."

I was like, "You really are a woman."

Mmm.

Well, you know…
But I'm not gay. Do like the ladies.

Big fan of the old labia.

Yeah.

Majora and menorah for the Jews. Yeah.

But no, now I'm married.

My wife, she is not Jewish. We were having
a good roll in the hay the other night.

Slipped out, went in the B-hole for
a second. She was none too pleased.

She was like, "That's it."
I was like, "Damn."

"Why the hell are those two so close?"

That feels wrong.

There's an inch of flesh separating
the two. Those should be further apart.

One should be on the shoulder,
one on the knee, you know?

Let them breathe.

It's like two arch enemies
living right next door to each other.

It's basically Israel
and Palestine right there, you know?

Just one little Gaza Strip
separating it, and, uh…

And the butthole is definitely Palestine,
because I'd love to visit one day,

but you've got to be careful, right?

It can get a little hairy, you know?

And the vagina is clearly Israel, because
I'll go any time, even during bloodshed.

All right. The Holy Land.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Mmm.

My wife's fun. Real tomcat in the sack.
I'm not great in the bedroom.

You remember.

But, you know…

She's a go-getter.
She likes to be insulted in the bedroom.

Which is cool, but nobody told me
that the insults are supposed to be sexy.

So we're going at it.
I'm like, "Ah, you can't cook."

"Yeah, your stories are fucking boring."

She's like, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Just call me a stupid bitch."
I was like, "I got it, sorry, I got it."

"You can't parallel park,
you stupid bitch."

Ladies, you like dirty talk, but you only
seem to like it in the bedroom.

All the stuff I like,
you can say anywhere.

If I pull her hair and call her a slut
at Rite Aid, that's weird, you know?

But if you grab my balls at Kmart
and say I'm the best you had,

"I'm like, clean up on aisle three. Haha!"

That's what's crazy about sex.

When you're horny,
you go temporarily insane.

You're choking, spitting,
you say shit you don't mean, like,

"I'll pay your college debt."

When you orgasm,
it's like you took your meds.

You're like, "Whoa,
who the fuck was that guy?"

Everybody's more chill after an orgasm.

I'm sure Hitler was like,
"Kill all the minorities."

"All right, just one."

I'm too insecure for the insult thing.
She compliments me in bed.

It's all bullshit, but I'll take it.

She'll be like, "Oh, you're so huge."

And I never know what to say,
so I'm like, "Yeah, you too."

When I was single, I was open-minded.

Any girl had a fetish,
I would do it. I didn't care.

Girls say, "What's your thing?" I was
like, "You're going to make me feel bad."

They'd be like, "It's a safe space."

I was like, "I got this weird thing
where after I orgasm, I like to leave."

Girls would be like, "What the hell?"
I'm like, "Whoa, kink shame, hello."

My wife's good. I'm trying to keep up
with her. She's got sexy friends.

One friend was like, "For my birthday,
I want to have a threesome with you two."

I was like, "Hey, all right."

They had a thing going on.
They hooked up the whole time.

I sat on the edge of the bed
naked like a weirdo.

She gave her this amazing orgasm.

She was like, "This is the best birthday
gift ever." I was uncomfortable.

I was like, "Uh, that's from both of us."

My friend told me some guys will have
a threesome and high five over the lady.

That's called an Eiffel Tower.

I never did an Eiffel Tower.
My last threesome was bad.

Me and my buddy both crumbled
under pressure. I'll never forget it.

It was more of a Twin Tower.

And it was an inside job involving a Bush.

Oh, yeah.

All right, okay, here we go. Yeah.

Um, yeah.

Yeah, 9/11, all right.

My friend's a good-looking guy.
The ladies love him.

He told me recently
he hooked up with a supermodel.

I was like, "What was that like?"
He was like, "I couldn't perform."

I was like, "What do you mean?"
"I couldn't perform."

"What are you talking about?"
"I couldn't get it up."

That's a weird term, because when
I can't get it up, all I do is perform.

I'm like, "Oh, this never happens."

"Uhhh… My aunt died."

"I'm gay. Aaaah."

I'm all performance.

Some guys are like, "I'm a porn star
in bed." I'm like, "Not me."

"I'm an Oscar winner, yeah."

When guys can't get it up,
we do a lot of performing.

Ladies, you perform
when you can't get off.

The old fake orgasm. That's your big show.
My wife's the worst actor of all time.

She's like, "Oh my God, I'm coming."

I'm like, "We're driving. We're not even…"

My friend's a hunk. He's on OnlyFans.

He's a guy naked on OnlyFans.
He's always complaining.

"Men make no money. Women make millions.
What happened to equality?"

Like, "Nobody's going to pay
to see a guy naked. It's a bummer."

If a guy flashes a woman on the bus,
she's like, "This is terrifying."

Woman flashes me on the bus, I'm like,
"Ha! I would have paid for that."

Women who are into men are like,
"I'd rather see a woman naked than a guy."

That's when I thought,
"Damn, OnlyFans for men?"

That's our WNBA.

Yeah, there's a lot of real talent
out there, and nobody cares, you know?

The only thing women want to see less than
a naked guy is women playing basketball.

Yeah.

You're not watching, ladies.
You know the WNBA's on strike?

I made that up. All right.

I've been to a few games,
just to throw the dildo, but I went. Yeah.

Now I live vicariously
through single friends.

They're on dating apps
having a blast. I'm older.

I was hitting on girls in person
back in the day. Scary.

Guys give you advice then.
Like, "You're going to talk to her?"

"You got to be interested,
but be kind of mean."

I heard that a lot growing up.

I didn't know, so I'd go up to a girl,
I'd go, "Hello, what's your sign, whore?"

You know?

Never worked.

Ladies, you are so much more complex.

I was out with a friend.
She's single, looking to mingle.

She started talking
to the hottest guy ever.

I come back later, I'm like, "Where's
the guy?" "He said something stupid."

"I'm out." That's it, hottest guy ever.

If a guy met the hottest girl and she said
something stupid, we'd think, "I'm in."

Right?

"If she thinks China's a city,
she'll fuck me, all right?"

Yeah.

I was like, "What happened?
He was so handsome."

She was like,
"He was racist. I can't bang a racist."

I was like, "Oh, I would." You know?

I don't agree with it, I know it's wrong,
but I can separate the two.

She was like, "You'd bang a racist?
A woman in the Klan?"

"Well, yeah, she's a freak in the sheets."

You don't hear much about the Klan
anymore. They still doing the meetings?

I bet they're on Zoom now. You know?

Think they Zoom like us? A guy at a desk,
underwear on, just the hood?

Like, "Hey, everybody, how you doing?"

Head guy's in the top square, like,
"White is right, we will not be silenced."

Some guy's like, "Bob, you're on mute."

Me and my hot guy friend go out to dinner.
I go, "Want to get pizza?"

He goes, "I had pizza last night."
I go, "You love pizza."

He goes, "I can't have the same thing
every night. I said, "Don't get married."

Yeah.

That's marriage, eating the same thing
every night the rest of your life.

And you love pizza, but after a while,
you gotta get creative, you know?

Sometimes while you're eating, you're
like, "Maybe I'll pretend it's a calzone."

"Huh?"

"Or maybe I'll have my friend eat it
and I'll film it. Huh?"

And it's no picnic for her either.

She's like, "Thin crust again?
I could use some deep dish."

Yeah.

Ahh.

Anybody here married?

All right, there you go.

Being married's nice.
it's like being in the military.

You wake up every day like,
"Are we fighting?"

"Is it going down?
I don't even know how this war started."

Sometimes I feel like a Vietnam vet.
I'm shell-shocked, I'll snap at my wife.

My friend's like,
"Why are you talking to her like that?"

I'm like,
"You weren't fucking there, man."

Some guys get married three times.

You're like, "Wow, three tours,
you went back? Holy shit."

One guy left his last wife,
she gave him gonorrhea.

I was like,
"Ooh, honorable discharge. Yeah."

Oh, yeah.

A war vet and a divorced guy,
they are both grizzled.

You see a war vet, he's like,
"Ah, I lost my leg in Iran."

You see a divorced guy, he's like,
"Ah, I lost my house to Irene. Yeah."

I'm in the doghouse now with the wife.

She caught me looking at my For You page
on Instagram, a little magnifying glass.

For me, it's just a bunch of hot ladies
twerking and Norm Macdonald clips.

She was like,
"What the hell's going on here?"

I was like, "Well, you know… algorithm."

Ha.

She goes, "That's not what real women
look like." I'm like, "I know."

"That's why I'm looking."

She goes, "Want to have sex
with these women?" "I'm just looking."

"Let's see your page."
We open up her page, just cats. Like…

"You want to fuck these cats
or what, huh?"

"Yeah."

"You got more explaining to do than me."

"Hey, look at that,
we both like hairless."

Yeah.

I tell you, that algorithm,
it's evil to women.

Really mean. My wife mentioned once
she wanted to get a boob lift.

Now she gets an onslaught of ads
for breast implants, plastic surgery.

Makes her feel bad.

The iPhone is so smart,
it can listen and send you a targeted ad.

But it's not smart enough
to not be insensitive.

Also, not smart enough to know when
she's in the shower, I take her phone, go,

"Fake tits, fake tits, fake tits,
fake tits, fake tits, fake tits."

But…

I'm just messing around,
my wife's great, you know.

She's a good egg, I'm a lucky guy.
But she is a venter, she likes to vent.

She works from home,
I'll be watching TV, she's like,

"I hate my boss,
my job sucks, my clients are idiots."

I'm like, 'Hey, maybe you should quit."

She's like, "Don't try
to fix the problem, just listen."

I know that's a relationship trope.

But I don't know if she realizes, in my
mind, I'm like, "If I fix this problem,

I won't have to hear
about it anymore. Huh?"

Yeah, I'm not trying to mansplain,
I'm trying to woman silence, right?

Yeah. I thought
fixing problems is a good thing.

What if the fire department was like
that? "Holy hell, my house is on fire."

"I hear you."

I get it, ladies, you want to be heard,
I totally understand.

But I was like, "If I ever come to you
with a problem, try to fix it."

She was like, "What problems do you have?"

I'm like, "I got this thing where I watch
TV, somebody comes in and starts yelling."

"So, you know…"

"If we get to the bottom of that,
that'd be fantastic. Yeah."

But we're doing good, we just had a baby,
so that's something. Yeah.

All right, that's all right.

Come on.
Very nice, thank you, I appreciate it.

It's not mine. But, uh…

We had it at a Jewish hospital in Midtown
Manhattan. This place was Jewish.

They had a Sabbath elevator.
Never seen an ethnic elevator before.

We tried to take the Black elevator,
but the shaft was too big and it was late.

You know?

Then the Italian elevator hit my wife, so…

We went Amish, we took the stairs.

Babies are hard, they just cry.
You don't know what the problem is.

You have to guess. "What's going on?
Hungry, diaper, Israel?"

"What do we have?"

We're getting no sleep. We hired
a nice Jamaican lady to come in at night.

She's been cool, super helpful.
I think she's rubbing off on the kid.

Now he smokes weed
and he's homophobic. Yeah.

Yeah.

Get yourself a Jamaican lady at the house.
She will keep you in check.

She says stuff you can't say. My wife's
like, "I have postpartum depression."

She's like,
"That is white lady bullshit." Oh, wow.

How about that?

She's like, "Why are you awkward?"
I'm like, "I had a weird childhood."

She's like, "You're just a bitch." Okay.

Thank you, Jamaican.

But the baby's cute and fat
and gay and I like him,

but, uh…

I'm not gonna become one
of those baby guys. You know?

"Everybody, look at a picture of my kid.
How about that?"

Like, "Eh, show me a picture
of your wife. Yeah, yeah."

Babies are the only relative you're
allowed to show off how cute they are.

You can't be like, "My sister's 17.
Check it out, huh?"

"Look at that.
Yeah, I caught her at bath time. Ahhh."

You ladies are unbelievable.
That female body is incredible.

When you're pregnant,
you're treated like a celebrity.

People are like, "You're gorgeous.
Take my seat. Upgrade on this flight?"

You have the kid, you walk
on the plane with it, everybody's like,

"Look at this fucking bitch
right here, huh?"

"Thanks a lot, you dirty whore.
You ruined everything, huh?"

Everybody likes a kid
when he's in that soundproof booth.

But once he's out, he's like
a Puerto Rican on a bus with a boom box.

Oh, yeah.

When he's in the stomach,
you're like, "I feel it kicking."

When he's out, you're like,
"I'm probably gonna kick it."

It is kind of crazy that I'm allowed
to have a kid. Me, I'm an idiot.

Me, I steal from airports.
I take drugs from fans.

My screen name
is Queefmeister 3000, you know?

If I tried to adopt a kid, they'd look
at my chart and go, "No way."

But if you get drunk,
forget to pull out, everybody's like,

"You're going to be a great father."

All right. Same guy. Right?

You gotta make big decisions with a kid.

My friend goes,
"Gonna send your kid to church?"

I'm like, "Probably not." He's like,
"Good, some priest will diddle him."

I know that's a big cliché, but I gotta
be honest. I've been watching the news.

I think more female teachers
in Florida fuck kids than priests now.

You seeing this? Every time I turn on
the news, there's some skank in Tampa

banging an eighth-grader, right?

With the priest, you know what to do.
You're like, "Look at this piece of shit."

Then you see the girl on the news, and
you're like, "Well, I'd fuck her." Huh?

So it's wrong,
just not as wrong, you know?

Also, I noticed on the news,

they never show the kid.

Anyone else dying to see that kid?

I gotta tell you, if that was me,
I'd be like, "Put me up there."

"This is my moment.
Don't show her, show me. I'm a hero."

If my kid does that,
I'll be bragging about it.

Like, "Oh, your son made the honor roll?
Wait till you see my bumper sticker, huh?"

"Oh, she gave him an A?
Well, he gave her the D."

America's still new to female pedophilia.
We're not sure how to act yet.

Male pedophiles, we got it down.
Burn in hell, son of a bitch.

Female pedophiles, we're like, "Where
was that when I was a kid," you know?

We're looking at schools, which is tough
for me, I'm not allowed near them.

But, um…

I'm not going to lie to you folks.
I'm worried about the boy.

Teenage boys are all screwed up now.
I was watching 60 Minutes.

They had a thing about how teenage
boys are watching so much porn,

they don't have sex anymore.

Same episode, it said
teenage boys watch shootin' movies,

it makes them want to shoot.

Well, which one is it?

How come sex movies make you not want sex,

but shootin' movies
make you want to shoot?

I think because it's easier to get a gun
in America than it is to get laid.

Ladies… Ladies, you have a much harder
background check than a gun store.

No guy's ever gone to buy a gun,
dude behind the counter is like,

"Ah, I can't do it man, you're 5'4"."

"We got standards here at this Walmart."

It is crazy we don't ask one question
about women in the background check.

We should add that. Guys are like, "I'd
like one gun." "Fill out this paperwork."

I need the number of two ex-girlfriends.

Guy's like, "Uh, never had a girlfriend."
"No gun for you."

Haha.

Friend of mine, she asked me,
"Why do men like guns so much?"

I was like, "I think because
it gives you a little power."

Because ladies, when it comes to sex,
you have all the power.

You can take a girl out,
dinner, drink, she's like,

"This is fun,
but it's not going to happen."

You bring a gun, you're like,
"I think it's going to happen."

I think that's why guys like guns.

Now that I have a kid, friends with kids
tell me horror stories about theirs.

One friend has a teenage daughter,
she's like, "She's going through phases."

"First she went through
a promiscuous pothead phase,

now she's going through a Muslim phase."

"I don't know what to do."

I was like,
"Hey, slut to Muslim, that's not bad."

Now she's on her knees five times
a day for a different reason. Hm?

And she can write a book
From Blowjobs to Hijabs, huh?

She's like, "I guess,
but think she'll stop smoking weed?"

I was like, "Well, she is a Muslim woman,
she could still get stoned."

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, Muslim joke.

All right.

Well, you laughed at the Jew shit,
just trying to keep it even. Yeah.

My friend is Muslim, I ran that by him.

He was like, "I like the joke, but feel
you cherry-picked from the stereotypes,

not going off the full Muslim menu."

I'm like, "Yeah, I guess you're right,
I did kind of go 'Allah' carte."

Yeah.

A baby, they're nice, fun,
but they'll wear on a marriage.

Got to keep it fresh, you got to keep
it fun. I took the wife to Mexico City.

That's a cool place.

Although you can't drink the water there,
so I got the… diarrhea.

Yeah.

I was at a bar,
Bart's going to hand me a cocktail,

I drank it, and he goes, "Uh-oh, ice
cubes. Watch out, that'll take you out."

He goes, "I'm thinking about moving
to America, got tips?"

I was like, "Yeah, watch out for ICE."

So, you know, we kept in touch,
he's in a cage now,

but, uh, sweet kid.

Told that joke in Canada,
some guy goes, "I'm Mexican."

I was like,
"Whoa, you made it to level two."

"Well done, señor."

Mexico is old school.

We went to a restaurant, guy gave us
the bill, my wife grabbed it,

the guy goes, "No, this is Mexico,
the man must pay, we are traditional."

"We are old fashioned." My wife
was like, "I like that," I was like,

"Whoa, you can't have
an opinion, ah, yeah."

The flight to Mexico sucked.

Flight was delayed, you missed your
connection, second flight got canceled.

What's going on with flights? I get angry.
I wanna yell at the guy at the help desk.

But it's not his fault.

The airport needs to hire a guy
whose job is just to get yelled at.

Get one of those S&M guys,
who likes being humiliated, you know.

You go to the desk, "You son of a bitch,"
he's like, "Let me get the Delta gimp."

He yanks a leash, guy comes out
full leather, chain, zippers, like,

"You cock-sucking, motherfucking
asshole, worthless piece of shit."

He's like, "This is the best job
I ever had, ah, yeah."

"Ah, yeah. Keep going. Ahhh."

"I got TSA pre-come. Ah, yeah."

Worst flight out there, Australia.

Did that one a month ago, 23 hours.
But it's worth it, that's a cool place.

They had one shooting there,
got rid of all their guns?

Fucking quitters.

You know Americans, we like guns.
We even celebrate here with guns.

Crazy. You'll see a parade,
guys shooting at the sky.

Saw a guy on the news got shot, survived,
so they gave him a 21-gun salute. Huh.

A little on the nose.

We don't do that with other deaths.
"Bob died of obesity."

"Well, we gotta have a buffet."

"You know?"

"Yeah, you heard Jeff died of chlamydia."

"I'll be at that funeral."

Other cultures are fascinating.
I went to New Zealand.

Their stereotype is they have sex
with animals. I said, "That's crazy."

I asked the crowd. One guy goes,
"I've had sex with sheep before."

I said, "What does that feel like?"

He goes, "Kind of like a deer."

"Ah."

"Wow, a deer, huh?
That clears that up. Thank you."

What a psycho. My friend's a vegan.
He's always giving me shit.

"What you do to animals is disgusting."
I'm like, "You gotta go to New Zealand."

Once you have sex with an animal,
you can't go back to women.

Can't be like, "We should go out."
Like, "Let's go to the zoo."

He's like, "Uh, my exes are there.
It's a whole thing, you know?"

Hey, I like animals. I've never had sex
with one, but I'm a fan, much like Asians.

And, um…

I'm a cat guy.
I got a big cat at the house.

Friends make fun of me.
I like having a cat.

I used to live with a heroin addict.
Cat and a heroin addict, same roommate.

Yeah, they both have crazy mood swings,
pass out anywhere.

Catch them staring at you at four in the
morning, gotta spray them with a bottle.

Cats do not give a fuck.

I read an article about a guy
who tried to blow his brains out,

and his dog knocked the pistol
out of his hand.

I was like, "Wow, I think my cat
would load the fucking gun."

Cats are pricks.
Dogs are at least helpful.

They're in the police force, military.
I've never seen a service cat.

On a plane, it's an anxiety dog,
cute little terrier.

See a cat on a plane,
you're like, "That's a terrorist."

Everybody loves dogs.
Dogs are man's best friend.

Until you have drugs at the airport,
then they'll ruin your life.

Not a cat. They don't snitch.

Cats are like a shitty stepdad. They go
out all night, only come back to eat,

every now and then
you wake up and they're in your bed.

Just me? Okay.

But you gotta travel. you gotta get out.

Go overseas, you realize
how genuine people can be.

We're getting phony in America.
Know what's a big trend here?

People use mental disorders
as an excuse to be a dick.

They'll be like, "Ooh, I didn't listen
to a word you said, I have ADD."

"Sorry I didn't answer the phone,
I'm neurodivergent."

"Sorry I can't help you,
I struggle with depression."

People only claim their mental
disorder when it makes them a victim.

No one's claiming the other ones.
No one's like, "I stole your girlfriend."

"Ah, I'm a narcissist."

"Yeah, I did kill your dog.
Sociopath. Right?"

"Sorry about your grandmother's funeral,
that was on me. Necrophiliac."

And I know that's a little offensive,
but I'm autistic.

All right.

Mmm.

Mm.

Yeah!

It's nice we can all come out and have
a yuck, because AI is coming, folks.

This is all gonna go away.

They say it's gonna
take all our jobs. That's scary.

I went to ChatGPT, "Tell me an offensive
joke." It said, "We cannot do that."

I said, "All right, I'm still working."

People are nervous.

People are like, "When robots get
human emotions, they'll take over."

When robots get human emotions,
they'll be insecure and depressed too,

and we can zing them, right?

Some robot steps to you,
"I'm here to dominate the human race."

"I saw your robot wife
with a Black & Decker."

"What the fuck?"

"Ahhhhh."

"She said a two-inch screw was enough."

"Ahhh."

Yeah, now we're back on top, you know?

My friend is optimistic.

He's like, "When sex robots get human
thoughts, whoo, that's gonna be hot."

"Are you kidding?
When sex robots get human thoughts,

they're not gonna
fuck you anymore, right?"

That was the appeal of the robot.

If that thing gets too smart,
you'll take it out of a closet, it'll go,

"I have a headache."

"Shouldn't have left me
in the closet, I'm gay now."

There's always that one sex robot guy.
Know that guy?

"How come she gets a vibrator,
that's cool,

I got a sex robot, I'm a weirdo?"

Decent argument,
but I think it's different for a woman.

You find a woman's vibrator,
you're like, "This chick fucks."

You find a guy's sex robot, you're like,
"This guy does not fuck. Right?"

You're trying to buy
a full-size fake lady.

The vibrator's a tool, fits in a drawer.
Yours has eyebrows, you know?

I love a vibrator. You can bring
a vibrator into the bedroom.

It'll help you. Like a sexual intern.

You bring a sex robot in the bedroom,
she's like, "What is this?"

I'm like, "This is a sexual immigrant.
He'll replace you if you don't step up."

I'm a dad now. If I found my daughter's
vibrator, it'd be mildly embarrassing.

If I found my son's sex robot, I'd be
like, "Ah, please be a dead hooker."

Huh.

At least he had to talk to her.

A lot of big technological
advancements lately.

Ozempic? Where'd that come from?

I would've loved that as a kid.
I was fat as hell.

We had something different.
It was called shame.

Yeah.

Remember that? It worked for hundreds
of years, and then we got body positivity.

Uh!

Last ten years, all I heard was

"Big is beautiful,
love the skin you're in, body positivity."

Somebody went, "We got a drug
that makes you thin without working out."

Everybody went,
"Put that directly in my asshole."

What happened to body positive? You made
me call you pretty, you fat fucks.

You don't even believe it.
You're full of shit!

That's like going, "Black Lives Matter."
"That Black dude's choking."

"He needs mouth to mouth."
"What am I, fucking gay?"

"You said they matter."

Everybody's a liar, like Lizzo.

She was the fat champion.
Now she's getting all skinny.

I liked fat Lizzo.

I stood behind her,
he just couldn't see me.

Uh, uh… I was back there.

A new thing I didn't see coming is cash
is going away. No one takes cash anymore.

Cash used to be king. Now it's like weird.

I went to a dispensary.
The guy goes, "Whoop, we don't take cash."

I was like, "Dude, you're a drug dealer."

"You're supposed to be
one of the cash people."

Now I have weed on my bank statement?
My mom's like, "Purple nurple?"

"What the hell's that?" Huh?

My friend goes,
"Cash is over. You gotta get gold."

Well, if no one's taking cash,
who the hell's gonna take gold?

How's that gonna work at a strip club?
She's pretty hot. Bong.

Imagine how sad a strip club is
without cash?

No more making it rain,
no more 20 in the G-string.

A lady waddling up to you like, "Hit the
QR code on the clam. There you go, yeah."

"Yep, that's me. I'm Cinnamon. Thank you."

I like cash.
It's tangible, it's satisfying.

I used to work as a waiter. You'd walk
out with a wad of cash. Felt great.

Then my job after that was
direct deposit. Eh. Direct deposit.

It's like a female orgasm.
It's nice, but there's no proof.

Know what direct deposit feels like?

Like when you take a dump in an automatic
toilet, you get up and it's gone,

you're like, "But I kinda wanted to…

see how much it was."

"There goes the photo."

I got caught going to a strip club
recently by my wife. Yeah.

I don't know how she caught me. I only
talked about it on four podcasts. Uh…

I'm not a strip club guy.
It was a bachelor party, I had to go.

She was upset. She was like,
"You like looking at tits and ass?"

I was like,
"No, it's just fun giving a woman money

and have her appreciate it, but you know…"

Hell yeah.
Some beautiful women there though.

Black women, that's my weakness.
That's my number one.

I was staring at this beautiful
Black dancer. She caught me looking.

She goes, "20 bucks,
you can touch whatever you want."

I go, "I'm not falling for that."
"20 bucks. Touch anything."

"All right." I gave her 20 bucks.
I touched her hair. They kicked me out.

I know. What the hell?

It wasn't even hers.

She was pissed. She took a swing at me.

I bobbed, she weaved. But you know.

Ah-ha.

I know racial stuff is touchy. I get it.
I don't know if you guys saw this.

I got dragged online recently
for cultural appropriation, on accident.

I went to a Mexican restaurant
for my birthday.

My friend told the waiter it was my
birthday. The waiter put a sombrero on me.

Took a photo.
I posted it. I got 9,000 comments.

"Cultural appropriation,
colonizer, racist."

I was like,
"That Mexican bastard tricked me, huh?"

He put the thing on me.

I don't want to offend anybody,
but isn't it strange?

You can't wear a sombrero, but you can
learn Spanish, eat Mexican food,

have sex with Mexican women,
have a Mexican child,

but the hat, that's no bueno.

How do you know what's okay and what
isn't? Just trying to figure it out.

Like, if a little white girl
wears a kimono,

she's a cunt.

According to the internet.

But she can learn Japanese, eat sushi,
play Pokémon, fly into Pearl Harbor,

all fine.

But the kimono is a ki-nono.

People go, "You just can't wear stuff
that belongs to other groups."

You can. What about drag queens? They're
not women. We're all on board with that.

Yeah, that's cool.

Right? I don't know.
What about a lady with a strap on?

I've got a dick. I'm not like,
"Hey, that's our thing." You know?

I'm not an idiot. I'm not going
to wear blackface or a turban.

I'm just trying to figure it out, like…

I was using chopsticks the other day.
My wife goes, "That's appropriation."

I was like, "Where were you?" She goes,
I did yoga. I'm like, "That's Indian."

"And you work in IT."

So what are we doing here?

We realized you can do the thing.

Just can't put up a photo.
That's where they get you.

I think that makes sense
because I'm circumcised,

but I'm not Jewish, but they got mad
when I posted that picture.

I thought it was all about the groups
coming together and mixing and blending.

I thought that was a good thing.
I saw a Muslim woman at a restaurant.

Chewing out the waitress.
"I want to speak to your manager."

My friend goes, "Watch out for her.
She's a real Karen."

"Well, she's Muslim.
She's more of a Quran." Yeah, yeah.

We've made a lot of progress racially.

We're not perfect,
but we've made progress.

I don't know why
we hate admitting that. It's a good thing.

Know how you can tell
we made progress? Yelp.

That's a good gauge for a society.

This is a real Yelp review I saw recently.
"Mmm, Shake Shack."

"That name's a little offensive
to people with Parkinson's."

Wow, really?

We are out of problems, huh?

That's where we're at?
That's a good sign, though.

Could you imagine Yelp in the '50s?
People had real problems then.

Every review would just be a bunch
of Black people like, "We didn't get in."

"Looked good through the window.
We'll try again in 14 years."

"America, one star." You know?

You know who I want to hear
from is that first Black family

that got let into the white restaurant.

They finally sit down at the counter,
like, "God damn, this food is bland."

"Holy shit."

"Good Lord."

"MLK died for this?
Coleslaw with raisins? Come on!"

Another sign of progress? Freak shows.

Those went away.
We got rid of them. Insensitive.

That was nice of us.
I went to one as a kid.

Crazy. Guy had a top hat and a hunchback.
He was like, "Step right up."

"We've got the most fucked up,
disgusting creatures in all the land."

"Over here, we've got the 200-pound boy."

"And the tattooed man, head to toe,
and the bearded lady, oooh."

Wait a minute. A fat kid,
a tatted up guy, and a trans woman?

I can see all that
on a JetBlue flight, right?

Those aren't freaks anymore.
That's the exit row.

That's progress.

Makes you wonder,
what would a freak show now be?

A modern day freak show,
shit you never see in society.

Like, "Step right up.
We've got the homeless Jew."

"Whoa."

"Never seen that before."

"And over here, the Mexican who can dunk."

"What?"

"And the rarest of all, the funny lady."

"Yeah."

I'm just kidding.

Just joking. Some of my favorite
comedians are lesbians.

All we talk about now
is how divided we are.

We are, but we used to be worse.
We've got to remember.

Like, my grandmother is Sicilian,
right off the boat, thick accent.

When I was a kid,
she was like, "When I was a girl,

I couldn't go to that party, restaurant,
college. They didn't allow Sicilians."

You're thinking, "Sicilian? So specific."
That's how it used to be.

In old America, Irish showed up on boats.

Everybody was like,
"Look at these blue-eyed, red-haired,

potato-eating, drunk pieces of shit."

Eventually, Italians showed up, everybody
was like, "Look at these swarthy,

meatball-greasy, wap, dago,
Guinea motherfuckers."

Eventually, Black people showed up
and everybody was like,

"We've got to stick together."

"This is different."

Then, then, then, 9/11 happened.

We're all like, "Get over here, brother.
We hate them now, you know?"

A country needs a common enemy.

A common enemy
always brings a country together.

That's why we need aliens
to land on Earth.

Once Martians land on Earth,
we can come together

as a human race
and make them work at Amazon.

Huh?

Yeah, put down the leaf blower, Jose.
Glurk Glurk's the real alien.

You're one of us, baby.

Then you'll have some queef going,
"You can't say alien."

"You've got to say
unearthed person, yeah."

"Got two aliens in every movie.
Two aliens, one cup."

Yup, yup, yup.

Know where we get screwed up as a society?

We think differences
are why we don't get along.

Black versus white,
men versus women, straight versus gay.

It's not the differences. The groups that
hate each other the most look the same.

North Korea, South Korea.

I mean, that's just
one big Squid Game to me.

I can't tell that apart.
They look identical.

Jew, Palestine, just a bunch of falafel
slinging eyebrows out there, you know?

They look very similar.

Bloods and Crips have to wear
different colored clothing,

just be like, "Oh shit,
I almost shot you, man. Goddamn, yeah."

Groups that hate each other
the most look exactly the same.

Ireland, they've been fighting
for centuries.

Russia, Ukraine, bunch of angry vodka
monkeys out there, you know?

Uh, India, Pakistan.

I mean, that's just
a big diarrhea factory, I assume.

Right? All the groups that hate each other
the most look exactly the same.

Women?

Mm.

Yeah.

It's good to have friends of other
ethnicities, races. You learn a lot.

You can have real conversations.
My Black friend blows my mind.

He told me
that white people have no culture.

I was like, "What?"
Couldn't believe it. "We got stuff."

We've got NASCAR, and Bass Pro Shop.

And kissing dogs on the mouth, and, uh…

Uh, we got New Balance,
Monster Energy drinks,

kale, speaking to the manager,

school shootings, trailer park,

hacky sack, banjo,

line dancing, bland food, aging terribly…

Uh…Don't stop

Believin'

That's white culture. All right.

Fascinated when a Black guy
says white people have no culture

because Black people are the best
at pointing out white culture.

Ever watch Shark Week with a Black friend,

there's some scuba guy
with 10 sharks around him?

Your Black friend's like,
"That's some white people shit." Right?

That's just another term for white
culture. Yeah, whitey's got stuff.

When I was a baby, my dad taught me
how to swim by throwing me in a pool.

Do that to a Black kid.
That's a fucking homicide.

That's honky shit right there.

You know what else is white culture?
Homoerotic behavior.

I grew up with 8 white dudes
flicking me in the nuts,

titty twister me, credit card swipe me.
Try to teabag a Black guy.

He will shoot you in the face, all right?

That is Cracker Barrel right there, boy.

My friend, he wouldn't let up.

He's like, "I'm just saying,
you guys don't contribute to society."

I was like, "What about the inventions?
Car, radio, TV, photograph, flight."

He was like,
"Whoa. You didn't invent that stuff."

"Old white guys invented that.
You can't take credit for that."

"Fair enough." Then he doubled down.

He's like, "We would've invented
that stuff if you didn't enslave us."

I was like,
"Well, I don't want to take credit…

for a bunch of stuff
some old white guys did, huh?

He was like, "That was slick. The way
you weasel out and didn't take any blame."

"That was good." I was like,
"Yeah, that was white people shit."

But stereotypes are so dumb.

You got to make fun of them.
Black people love chicken. I love chicken.

Irish people are drunks. I'm a drunk.

Islamists bomb.

I'm… Ah, shit. But, yeah…

Um…

We have any Irish here?

Oh, hey.

Irish, you guys are fun. You guys get made
fun of a lot and you never get offended.

Rolls right off your back. Think about it.
We have a drink called the Irish Car Bomb.

This is the thing
that's killed thousands of Irish people

and we just order at a bar.
No other group could handle that.

You could never be like,
"Uh, let me get a Holocaust on the rocks."

"Know what? Scratch that. Give me a Sandy
Hook, make it a shooter. Thank you."

The Irish can take it.

They say the Irish
are the n-words of Europe.

If you rearrange the letters
in ginger, I'm just saying.

But yeah, I like to drink.

I've cut back quite a bit. I used
to have a real problem in my 20s. Oof.

We used to get drunk, play these crazy
games. You guys ever play, uh… driving?

You kill somebody, you lose, you know?

You youngsters, you got Uber now.

In my day, way to white-knuckle that puppy
all the way home. Remember?

One eye open, you're like, ba-boom.
"Hope that was a mailbox. Oh, baby."

"Why would they put a mailbox
in a playground?"

Uber gets no credit. They're heroes.
They've saved so many drunk lives.

Ambulance gets credit

but they showed up after the accident.
Uber prevented the accident, right?

Ambulance is the abortion,
Uber is the condom. Yes.

Uber has saved my life 10,000 times,
and how do I thank them?

Five stars, no tip.

Texting and driving, that's the big worry.
I'm guilty of that. Gotta cut that out.

I was driving the other day,
texting my friend, I was like, "Oh, man,

I'm so fucking hammered."

Ever do that? Ever on the highway
for 20 minutes texting,

you look up, you're like, "Whoa,
that was actually really dangerous."

Yeah.

"I'm like four lanes over, I'm in
a different town, I'm lucky to be alive."

"All right, I gotta stop texting
and finish this beer."

"What the hell am I doing, huh?"

Yeah. Oh, all right. Yeah.

Mm.

I got pulled over once
for texting and driving. Embarrassing.

Cop was like, "Know how dangerous
that is? Looking at a screen?"

I look at his car,
he's got a goddamn laptop on the dash.

"You got a lot of nerve, copper."

"I got a tiny screen going directions."

"You're watching
Rodney King reruns over here, huh?"

God.

We worked it out, he let me go.
Turns out we were both watching porn.

So, all good.

I had a weird childhood.
I grew up in New Orleans.

You know, getting a DUI there
is like our bar mitzvah.

Yeah. Yeah, wild time.

Uh, growing up
in New Orleans is not great.

Visiting, fun.

Growing up in New Orleans
is like having a dad who sells drugs.

Your friend's like, "This is awesome." I'm
like, "I could use a hug and a vegetable."

"All right?"

"You don't have to live here
all the time. You know? Yeah."

Now I'm trying to grow up. You know?

Bought a little house
in Brooklyn with the wife.

Uh, trying to be a grown up,
so I hired a stylish gay guy

to decorate the house.

My wife and this guy fight
like cats and dogs, butting heads.

He's looking at me like, "What's all this
about?" I realized, "Oh, you're gay."

"You've never argued with a woman."

You don't know what you're in for.
You brought a knife to a mass shooting.

She's good, too, bringing up old texts,
bringing up stuff from months ago.

I'm like, "You're at a spelling bee
and she's Indian. You're cooked."

"All right?"

It's weird watching your wife
fight with another guy.

It's usually me. I watch him make these
mistakes. I feel like a boxing corner man.

I'm like, "Ooh, don't say, 'Calm down.'"

"Oh. What an amateur."

Well, gay guys are the best, huh?
Fun, non-violent.

You never meet violent gay guys.
There's no gay gangs.

That would just be a musical. Right?

The only violent gay guy I can think of
is Jeffrey Dahmer.

That was a hell of a Netflix show, huh?

They bring his dad
into the police station like,

"We have crazy news.
Your son is a homosexual,

he's a serial killer,
and he's a cannibal!"

It was set in the '80s, so the dad
was like, "Oh, he's gay. Jesus Christ."

"Whoo-wee!"

"I don't know where I went wrong."

The cop was like, "No, he's eating men."

He's like, "Yeah, I got it."

Yeah, I have to watch all that true crime
stuff because my wife is, you know,

a white woman, and, um…

I don't know how ladies watch this.
I'll be watching a boxing match.

My wife's like, "So violent. Change
the channel." Put it on Dateline.

A woman was beaten to death with a tire
iron. I'm like, "Mine had a referee."

All right?

I go, "What do you like about this?
Murder? Violence?" "I like the scandal."

"I like the gossip part."
I was like, "That makes sense."

Ladies, when you're young,
you start small.

You're like, "Billy kissed Susie
under the bleachers. Crazy."

Then after a while, you're like, "I need
incest and a hitchhiker." You know?

Same with men with porn.

When I was 15, I was like,
"My God, boobs, that's crazy."

Then after a while, you're like, "I need
incest and a hitchhiker."

We're not going to get political.
Everything's so tribal now. It's brutal.

Taylor Swift, she endorsed Kamala Harris.
People started burning her records.

Like, huh, nobody burned R. Kelly's.

I feel like what he did
was a little worse.

She's just voting for a lady.
He's got ladies tied up in a dungeon.

I'm like, "I'm a hypocrite. I didn't
burn mine either. I peed on mine, yeah."

Felt appropriate.

Whole country's divided.

Go to Texas, they got
different rules down there.

'Cause down in Texas, it's like,
they're the land of the free, right?

But you can't watch porn
on your phone. Huh.

Jerking off to Ted Cruz over here.
Like, what the hell?

I was like, "I can't look at porn,

can't buy weed,
and can't get abortion. What can I do?"

My friend's like, "You can buy a gun."
"I'll need one to blow my brains out."

Um…

All right. Oh, hey, there you go.

And I know abortion's a real room divider,
and a baby divider,

but, um…

People say "Abortion is murder."
I'm like, "Well, murderers get a trial."

"Getting an abortion, you plead your
case. Might have a great reason."

Girl's in the courtroom, like, "Your
honor, I had to do it. I fucked a DJ."

"Self-defense at this point, you know?"

Judge is like,
"I didn't know that. Scratch it."

Yeah.

Mm.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh. These are wacky times, you know?

I've been a Democrat my whole life, but,
uh, Democrats used to be a lot cooler.

We were listening to rock and roll, doing
drugs. We used to laugh at the right.

Like, "Look at these stiffs going
to church and burning rap records."

Then, a little time went by, and

liberals got pretty queefy. Yeah?
They were the free speech people.

Now they're like, "Don't joke about this,
don't say that," and you're like, "Man."

Look at the right, they're like,
"We're saying 'retard' here."

"Just to let you know."
"Hm, that looks pretty good."

"Huh, how about that? Huh?"

What happened to the left? The left feels
like a girl you met in college.

She was wild, would do Molly and blow
you at a concert. Everything was great.

Then you got married.

It got a little stale.
Got tense. Can't bring up anything.

Have to agree on everything
or you have to sleep on the couch.

The right's like a girl
with a thong and a tongue ring.

You're like, "I'm not going to marry her,
but it'd be fun to dabble."

"You know?"

You stay with the wife,
she's a good person.

You love her, but you just want to go,
"Hey, you've changed, bitch."

Yeah.

I don't know. Everybody's just,
we just have good box, bad box.

No one has any nuance.
Nuance is out. Nuance is the new N word.

That's it. It's over.

People wanna know, "What side are you on?"
"I don't know. You both seem annoying."

Right?

Scary. Isn't that why
we have two political parties?

You know, we got five HBOs.

Two political parties.

It feels like the government,
they're like your parents.

They're not trying to help us,
trying to get back at each other.

Your mom's a liberal,
your dad's a Republican.

You're like, "Dad, Mom,
she's trying to give me free money."

Your dad's like, "She also tried
to abort you." Like, "Jesus Christ. Okay."

"Whoo!"

"Fine. I'll live with you."

Yeah. RFK, he's trying
to take away my fucking Pop-Tarts.

You know?

Uh… No, it's… We… We could slim down
a little bit. We're eating horrible food.

But he's the real… He's the voice
of a generation.

Yeah.

He was a liberal his whole life,
then Trump got shot and he got on board.

I guess RFK figured, "Now that
he's been shot, he feels like family."

Okay. Um…

All right. Hey, comedy.

Uh…

Well, you know, I'm gonna go pick up, uh…
I picked up Kamala's book today.

Read the whole thing.
It's really long and it had no point.

But, yeah. Uh…

Okay. But I think gay guys
are gonna save this country.

Every town I go to,
there's always a local guy who goes,

"Five years ago, you couldn't set foot
in this area. Shootings, gangs, violence."

I go, "What happened?" No matter where
I'm at, they say the same thing.

"The gays came in."

I think gay guys are fixing neighborhoods
and no one's talking about it.

We should be airdropping gays
into like Detroit, downtown LA,

Newark, Memphis, South Bronx.

See those giant rainbow
parachutes open up like,

"Hey!"

"We're getting a dog park!"

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah, Chicago's got some problems.
Get the gays in there.

Queer Eye for the South Side. Huh?

What about the Middle East? They could
use pizzazz. Let's put some gays in the…

Scratch that.

Yeah, gay guys are impressive.
They're like bees.

Just put them somewhere,
they start working.

Gay guys even talk like bees.
"You better work, honey." "Yes, queen."

All right?

Government's in shambles.
Let's get gays in the government.

I hear, "We need a female president,
a president of color."

Let's try a gay president.
Forget MAGA. Let's go FAGA.

Thanks a lot! I'm Kevin Hart!
You guys are great!

Comedy!