Original subtitles

Me handsome? I'm not.

But in men, beauty doesn't matter. It's all about blood.

Also with your looks if you go around saying you're Italian,

it's like saying you're Spanish. Some countries are so lucky.

Spain too? - I've never been there. Have you met any Spanish women. - No.

Then if I may say so, you never met a real woman.

I don't doubt... - The ones I've seen, the Andalusians, those with the combs...

You see, their faces... nothing. Forget the faces, trash! - Nothing.

But from here... to down there...

Well, I have no words.

Oh God, a little low in the hips... - Low in the hips?

Well, it's the breed. - Yeah, the breed.

But look what I'm going to tell you tonight:

Women with low hips... do not displease me.

Nor me.

THE SEDUCER

Do you like the domestic type? - Domestic type, Ragionier'?

You don't know women. The domestic type is gnarled!

The hips are ruined after two months. See ya, domestic type, bye!

Then why did you say a frigid woman must be grabbed by the breasts?

Stop! I never said that. A frigid woman, eh, well, this happened to me...

A frigid woman mustn't be taken by the breasts but in the most sensitive part.

This is what I did in an empty shack.

I understood... Look, I took her here. This little area is most sensitive.

I surrounded her from the back and...

You do it like the French style!

French style? Damn the French style!

Ah, Paris! What time is it? Ragionier', let me go to Paris!

I can't, Ranieri, you know... - Put me on the list then!

I wish! - Others can but not me? - Good night, good night!

And be on time in the morning. Thanks for the company!

Always at my boss's orders, Ragionier'!

I got 3 addresses for Paris! - If we could only go together! - 3!

Think about it! - Good night! - Night, Ragionier'.

Giulio, my wife? - Doing the accounts.

My mother-in-law? - In the bed. - Good!

Evening, Doctor. - Hi, Mario. - Hi! - My Cicetta!

My Cicetta, who stays up so late with all her little sums...

Here, you try one of my little sums. - No, don't make me do the little sums!

One gets home tired, smelling sauce all the way to the bedroom. Do sums!

With all this money? What do you want to do with all that? Find happiness?

Happiness? - I paid your car payment.

Mine? Ours. - Ours? But I never go out.

Well, I'll pay you back. In installments. How tired I am tonight!

Bye. I'll wait for you upstairs, eh? - Say goodnight to mama, eh? - Yeah.

Night, Doctor. Night, Ma'am. - Good night!

Mama? You awake?

Mama?

There, say goodnight to mama.

They put the picture with the clock here.

If this house were mine, all white would do it! Blanca! White!

If this were my house, I'd make it all white. White! White!

If I were the boss here!

I'll take it off. This'll have me up all night.

I'll take it of and throw it in here. There, the picture with the clock.

If I were the boss here!

Who is it?

Who is it? Come in!

But what is this bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu? As if you couldn't answer or were dead!

My little lord, I'm coming in. - Have a little delicacy! Come in.

And the honey? - We're out.

What's with this light? Night's over for sure.

I'd like it always to be night, see what kind of guy I am... The time? - 9:30.

Why do you always wake me at 9:30? You'll make me late. The black one.

Grey tie against black... How old does it make me look?

Your age. - 33.

I wear it well, eh?

Ciccio! - Yes? - Bring the car out. - Yes, Dottor'.

What? Fish? Already Friday? - Eh. - Madonna, how time files!

Hi! What's the news? - A strike tomorrow.

A strike? Let's be honest: No one wants to work anymore. Hi, Ma.

Some work and some watch... and police.

Mama! - Cicetta! - The wine!

How do I look? - Ask me how I look sometimes, dear.

She doesn't say hi. What's with her? - What do you think?

Ah, yes. Today is Friday, only one.

Am I getting fat, Ceci'? - Oh, no, Alberto.

Tomorrow give me five, that'll work.

Ma'am! Do you have change for 10,000? - No, we don't!

Girl, you always need change! - Have any? - No. - Thanks!

Your blue suit? - I'm off to Don Umberto. Does it look bad?

No. - Bye, Cice', think of me. - Bye.

Good day, Ma'am. Need any mineral water? No, thanks. - Any tinned food?

Are we going with the Alfa? Will you bring out the car?

Virginia! Virginia! - Huh? What? - Come, I've some change.

Now you do? - I've change. - Mr. Ernesto, got change? - Virginia!

Let's check in the garage.

But... - When I see you I feel like getting engaged!

Let me go. You're never serious.

Virgin', stop gossiping! - Here's the car. - Thanks.

Cute, eh? - Is she your girl?

I'm married. Will you bring the car back tonight, Dotto'?

But what do you want? - The clutch is on. - Yeah, yeah...

Send me the bill. - To the restaurant?

Morning. - Morgen.

Don Umberto! - Our insurance agent! I bet you're here for the best wishes.

Happy Easter from me and my wife! - Thank you.

I was just thinking yesterday, "I wonder if that scamp'll remember?"

Did you doubt it? - How you look like you poor father.

Well, how's the office? - Monsignor, you know how much I like it.

Would you make me look bad? - No, Sir,

not just 'cause you put me forth, I really do like it but they humiliate me. - How?

Planning a trip to Paris without me.

You'll go next year. There were few seats and it went by seniority.

Yes, but it's not fair.

If you could make a little call, I'd love so much to go to Paris!

Alright, don't worry.

By the way, would you do me a favor? - Name it!

Father Kreutzer! Can you interest anybody in an American car? - Many people, why?

Habemus qui vos adiuvabit. - A pleasure, Father.

I don't know German. I speak to them in Latin.

They're returning home and want to leave the car.

Sell the car? How much? - luvenis summae fiduciae.

What brand is it? - Do your best though. - The brand?

Qualis signis constructionis? - Qualis signis constructionis?

Ah, Cadillac! - You'll take care of it? - You can explain to the office...

No, work is work. - The best time for this is in the morning.

They'll come to the exit. You just don't want to work!

Excuse me! Don't crowd me, OK?

Hi, Dottore. - Hi, Romeo, anybody looking for me? - The Ragioniere.

Has he been here long? - 3 hours. - Dammit! - Good day.

Excuse me. Will the wait be much longer?

Why? Did a hailstone fall on your head? - No, I fell.

Well, I deal in hail. Just ask the usher. Is there an usher here?

...the most effective insurance. - May I? Hello, looking for me? - Now?

I'm a bit late. Ragioniere, I might be going to Paris. - Really?

I spoke to a person who might substitute with one with seniority. - Who?

Spadolini, the usher, a man who might catch a paralysis! - Poor Spadolini!

Sir, you're wanted. - Bye, Spadolini! - Did he hear? - No, he's deaf. Can't hear.

Hi! You going to Paris too?

Oh! It hailed in Vermicelli! - Then our work begins.

Then why do I do all the work? It begins for you too, no?

No work for us! "Light damage to crops..." Stuff for the agency. - Alberto! Look here.

No, please, you'll break them! - The girl opposite, you see? - Really?

Let go! Two vs. one! I'll give them back! - It's a keepsake from my father-in-law.

If you break them who'll deal with my wife, Alberto?

Be quiet! Hush! And stay quiet. Else I'll bite your hand.

Such a comfort! - Of course! Now we can't work!

Quiet. Let me see. Hold me.

They're moving!

They're moving! They're moving! There! They moved, boys. Moved.

Ippolito, tell Ricardo that the car's here.

Fathers? Then let's agree: I'll say that the car is mine, eh?

They like to take advantage, I know them. If you speak German... Fine, 600,000. Yes.

Ricardo! - Hi, Albert'! - Here's the car I called you about. It looks really nice.

It's a trash can. - How much can you do? - Well, 500, 520. - No, they want 600.

And 50 for me for Paris. - 600 for them, 50 for you and for me some fresh air?

And that commendatore full of dough? - Yeah, looking at an Aurelio. We'll see.

Renate, call the commendatore. - Sir! There's something interesting to see.

Let's see. - Yes, let's see.

I finally found the car for you. Look how wonderful!

It's a rare and unique opportunity! - Really.

20,000 km... - Only 20,000, good suspension and it's barely refurbished.

What year? - Very recent. I think it's still under warrantee.

There's music too. You hear that? - A boy's choir.

And these guys? - Um, they're my cousins, Commendatore.

Well, how much is it? - How much? - He's the owner, I don't know...

I'm the owner. It's a million. You're crazy! Jacqueline!

Get a load of this! A million for this car!

What do you take me for? - Why? Is it too much?

Let me tell you... - Yours?

Yes, Ma'am, it's mine.

Can't you lower a bit? - Lower it? Give it a whirl.

Is it a guzzler? - No, it’s teetotaler. - Teetotaler!

Be nice. - Madame, for you 800 cent.

Can't you go even lower?

Madame, any lower and I'll hit the ground. - 500?

Nein, nein, Ma'am, 600,000.

They're offering 600. - And you, chéri, isn't 600 possible? - And 50.

OK, as my wife says, 600,000.

Fine, 600. Vous avez vu, Madame? Italians, gentlemen. - Thank you.

Commendatore, the spare is busted. - What?

Young man! Young man, what is this nonsense? - What?

The spare is busted! - Ah, we'll repair it.

Let's give it a test ride. - Yes. Give it a ride.

You'll see what a car! The suspension, above all.

Tu viens? - Non, je reste. - Get in.

Excuse me, I'll stay to tell the fathers the car has been sold.

Why won't you come? - You could've asked before.

Please, the same song! - You know I care about these things.

Come on, let's go.

Madame... - Pardon?

Bored? - What?

Ehm, vous annoié? Bored? - Little bit.

Sir! Sir! - Don't worry! Calm down! Jawolhl! Jawolhl!

May I offer you, Madame, something to drink?

There's a small bar outside here, not far away. Shall we go? - Allons.

Cheers! Santé!

Mais vous... do you always drink champagne in the morning? - Yes.

To the car. - A vous!

A moi? Why am I more important than the car? - Why not? - Cheers! - Cheers!

Prosit! Prosit! - Who are those two priests?

Prosit! Prosit! - Friends of yours?

No, Madame. Business.

They are my cousins. Tax business, division of assets.

Ah, you pay a lot of taxes?

I saw right away you're a true gentleman. - Madame...

You are very rich? - Family riches.

I'm the sole heir, Ma'am. - Ah. Not married?

No, Madame. - An old bachelor!

You're really French, Madame? - Oui.

Ah, I'm going to Paris, Ma'am. - Oh yeah? - Oui.

I'm not from Paris, Alsace. My family is from Alsace, you know it?

Ah! Alsace and Lorraine!

Qu'est-Ce Que c'est, Madame? - Maman. Sa dernière photo.

Mama? Maman, incroyable! - Maman, oui!

C'est jeune. - C'est vrai. - More like a sister than a mom.

Bless you! A mother is everything in life.

Mother, poor thing, lives in Alsace. I worry about her.

Very far, Alsace, I haven't seen her for 8 months.

The car! The car! - Voilà, Mon Mari! On y Va? - Madame!

Garçon. Combien? - 4,800.

My God! Wait a sec. Madame! My name is Alberto.

Au revoir. - Au revoir.

Hey! What are you doing? - Don't touch me!

Who were you with? - With someone nicer than you.

I'll come too. - No, my lawyer is staying. Ask him for the money.

Money? - Let's go. Give him some exchange notes.

Which notes? - The promissory notes. - Prom... OK, Commendatore.

Au revoir.

...then Trinca in a burst of jealousy,

pulled out his pistol and slaughtered his small family.

Did you hear that, Mama? Such stuff! - I can see the wife, but the kids!

What's that? What happened?

What? Is there a party? - Champagne!

Champagne? What's the occasion? - What is he doing? Champagne?

So what? A drop after dinner. - 3,000 lire a bottle, certainly!

Enough! What's this? A revolution over a glass of champagne?

Revolution! Drink Frascati! - They don't understand. Savages.

Mom, drop it. It's already open, OK?

I feel like a stranger here. - Don't exaggerate!

Professor, want some? It's the real deal. - Thanks.

I wanted to make a toast. - To whom? - To my trip. To Paris!

Let's do it then! - Shall we?

To you, Professor! - To you! - Cheers! Your health. - Your health.

It's good, eh! - You see you like it.

You never listen to me.

But my beautiful Cicetta, why should we deprive ourselves of these pleasures?

Am I wrong, Mama? - Professor!

Yes, Ma'am? - Is Paris lovely? You who have been there...

A dream, dear lady, it hurts to think about it.

And what are the French women like?

Unmatched. The French woman... - Unparalleled. Without equal!

And how would you know? Do you know any?

I've studied. I study, read, educate myself.

Why else would I go to Paris? - Yeah. - To see, to get to know the people.

Montmartre, Victor Hugo, Richelieu... - Professor!

How many adventures in Paris? - No, Ma'am, I confess: none.

No? Oh, come one! - How could that be, Professor?

French women are like any other: middle class. It's all publicity, tourism, right?

Poor Alberto! I'd love to see you in Paris!

Then why do the artists say, "I'm going to Paris!"

Evening, Professor!

Ma'am, don't forget to mark it down. I'll settle the account on Saturday.

Yes, good night! - Don't worry, Professor, we will. - Alberto, the ring.

The ring? What ring? - The ring. Don't you understand Italian anymore?

Yes, the ring... where is it? - You're asking me? - It slipped off!

Evening, Ma'am. Want to hear something? - Evening. Nobody's here. Why bother?

I'm telling you... - The ring, Alberto.

It's here, ain't it? - Where did you take it off?

Today, in the office... You see, I wasn't thinking!

We were arm wresting, it was bothering me and I took it off.

Zac! I beat them all! This is so strong, Cice', my forearm!

So, I'm leaving? - Wait, don't go yet.

Sing us a song, go on. Cice', have another drink.

Alberto, get up.

Ippolito, wait there with the spare. - The whole day'll be wasted.

You're getting paid for this. - It's the second time... - It's OK.

Did the French lady get my note? - The commendatore got it.

It was for lady. - He's inside there. He wants to speak to you. - He does?

Excuse me, Commendatore... Commendatore?

Weak bags, a weave of 18 threads max. - The specifications require 24.

They could be reduced. - Still 4 grams are missing.

'Cause they're dry, but they could get wet.

You'll make the weight... - Excuse me.

What do you want from my wife? - It's about the spare.

That's fine, thank you. - The commission is waiting. - Come on.

I need a receipt. - We can partner up and...

Sir... - Look, I don't have time! - I'll come back. - Fine, do that. - Yes.

Fine. I'll come back.

Always running about with that spare! 3 times I was there: First with the husband,

then she wasn't there. Back and forth, back and forth! You think I like this?

But you're always out of the office. I don't care but the boss... - OK, drop it!

I was following a lead. All must be set aside.

I spoke on your behalf too. - You did?

Of course I did! These French ladies have many friends, girlfriends...

Why? Maybe get up a dinner?

You think I want to hog them all up? Of course I do. Only I...

Don't make me say me more. You know my life.

I got no place. We need a place. If I had that, we'd have dinners in spades!

My house.

What? - At my house.

What? Don't you live with your sister? - Yes, but she's gone for a few days.

Then we're all set! We got it! - We do!

Get it ready. If I can pull it off, we've got it!

Ragioniere, don't make me go to work tomorrow. - No, no!

I must go to her. Arrange everything. Her place. Get it?

Allô? - Bonjour, Madame!

Who is this? - The champagne. - Who?

The owner of the American car. - Hello.

How are you? - I've come about the spare, Madame.

The spare tire? - Yes. - My husband's not here.

I know but you must sign the receipt. Can you come down?

Hello? Hello? Figures, we're in Italy. The phones never work!

I can't hear. Hello? I can't hear. È cassé l'appareil.

Hello? Clerk, this phone... - Hello?

One moment. Can you come up?

Moi? Je dois salire?

Go up to you, Madame? - Oui, parce que je suis en déshabillé. Get it?

Deshabillé? That means you're not dressed. Tout de suite, Madame!

I must go up. - Go up then. No. 19, first floor.

19? - Yes, Sir. - First floor? -Yes, Sir.

Be careful, young man! - I did it on purpose.

Si ça pouvait réussir...

Is this 19?

Pardon?

Pardon? - Entrez. - Pardon, Madame. - Entrez!

Je suis entré but I didn't see anybody.

Bonjour, Madame. - Bonjour.

Will you close the door? - Close it? -Yes. - Oui, Madame.

Let me close it.

Forgive me for receiving you in such a state.

Remember me, Madame? Alberto. - Et moi Jacqueline.

I'm very happy you've come.

Lovely! Looks like out of movie.

The other day you were so nice. - Qu'est-ce que vous dites?

You regret it? - Regret it? Why?

And why "so nice", Madame?

Your car cost a lot more. - Bagatelles, Madame.

You offend me! For one of your smiles, what are 200,000 lire? Rien.

As the French would say...

Vous avez l'esprit français. You're so ironic.

I, on the other hand, am sentimental.

This music is nice, isn't it?

I'm crazy for music, Madame.

Really? Just like me!

My vocation wasn't business. - No? What was it? - Conductor.

Ah, you're an artist, then!

I can play the guitar very well if you know how to sing. - Not me.

All Italians know how to sing. Sing me a song.

I can try, but... je ne sais pas.

Courage! Go on! - Chanson... chanson.

Paris est belle, Je ne sais pas...

I don't remember it.

Et quand je la rencontrais, il me parlait de...

I don't remember it. So long ago...

How I envy you. You are a complete man:

you can sing, you're young, you're rich...

...handsome... - Handsome, Madame Jacqueline?

You go too fast.

Has this Ranieri brought the info from the police? Else, I'm done. - No. - God.

Why should you care? That's his business. - The Ragioniere said I must do his work.

I get it. - Where does he go instead of the office?

Why should you care? - Eh, I know too well!

Why so melancholy? - Oh, mélancolique...

I'm always alone in this white apartment.

And moi then? - Oh, vous savez, when I met you.

I thought destiny had sent you. Do you believe in destiny? - Yes.

Because you're a good man. I thought: sky blue eyes, rich, but a good man.

I've suffered so much in life.

I want to ask you something that I never asked anyone.

Nobody? - No.

I'm too proud. - Proud? Have courage.

You must say, "Do it". - Eh, do it!

I'm afraid of you. - Afraid?

Pas peur, embarrassment. Oh, how do I say it Italian? - Embarrassment.

Ecoute, you stay here and I'll go and write you a note.

A note? - Yes!

I need 50,000 lire

Monsieur Alberto!

Nothing, nothing! The truth is we're getting old.

Old, old, old!

Lucky are they who live on a mountain, at the top. Even with the monks!

Like I'd live with monks!

Next... what's next, Ragioniere?

50,000 lire. Everything else, nothing! Cheri, the chanson, destin... what is it?

Nothing! 50,000 lire, that's all!

I do not pay for women. Either they come because they like me or forget it!

It's a matter of principle. Check this out.

Want to see it? Look, I marked it with three little stars, see?

And I cross it out, rub it out! Idiot! You're an idiot!

The stars? They're a secret cypher, my rating, see:

discreet, very nice... If my wife found this notebook,

she wouldn't understand a thing, wouldn't understand the stars.

You're by yourself, eat with me at the restaurant tonight. - Listen...

I could get the 50,000 lire. - Why didn't you tell me right away?

If the girl is so beautiful, the luxuries pay for themselves. You introduce me...

Ragioniere, you have no scruples. You know I'm in love.

You have it here? - Yes. - Give it to me. I'll pay you back some each month.

This way I'll erase the bad impression. I'll call, "Madame, l'argent!" - And me?

You're a pal and I thank you in Madame's name. - No, I meant my house is free.

We'll plan that for another night. - But my sister'll be back tomorrow.

Back tomorrow?

Then we'll invite her to your place. - Yes. - And for you? - There's the notebook.

The notebook! So many in here.

OK, if they're written in here then they're great girls of the first order!

Let's see... We'll set up a dinner for 4. OK?

Five tokens! - A dinner?

An orgy! - An orgy? You got it, Ragioniere!

Will you find a girl for me? - Yes, we will even if she has no stars!

Then 8,200. - Yes, but is this enough?

Yeah... - How many are there? - Two pairs.

Are they American? - No. - Then you're fine!

Yes? - I know: I've been a bartender on a ship.

The men shouldn't drink much and the women no mixed drinks or they get sick.

He's right. - Yes, but let's think of dessert.

Sir, easy. I say it for your own good.

Just a few cakes... 2 of these, 4 of those and all of those over there.

Eh, no, Ragioniere, those are the cream ones.

Cream has acid and if the ladies get acidy... bye-bye evening!

May I? Is there a light? - Yes, it's here.

Sir, then I'll leave the gate open?

Yes, very good. Around 10, two young ladies'll arrive. You can close it then.

Here. - Thank you. - I count on you. - Good night. - Night.

Night.

Hey, there's a letter. - Huh?

"Wear your slippers, turn off the gas..." - Ah, it's Annuziata. - Who's that?

My sister. - Kid stuff! - Through there.

Like barracks, eh? Old houses! You were born here? - Yes.

What are you doing? Skiing? Skating? - Not to get it dirty. My sister...

One can go around like a paralytic!

There are some cigarettes here if they want any... - They will.

Here's the dining room, we'll set up a buffet.

Right, the dining-buffet room. Perfect, yes indeed.

It has atmosphere. At-mos-phere!

What's in there? - That reminds me, there's something I want to show you.

Really? Let's see.

And here? - See the divan! - Perfect! Another divan!

This'll be mine. Let's try it...

Drànghete! Drànghete! Fluffy! - Press the knob.

The knob? - On the cushion.

The knob? Good, control yourself, Ragioniere. Save the dancing for later.

Ah! D'Annuzio's Twilight! Perfect!

Press it again. - Again? - Yes.

What's that? Ah, the gramophone!

No, no, don't! It works by itself. It's tied to the knob.

Press it again. - Suggestive.

Eh? - Perfect!

This'll be necessary to have a good time, certainly.

Let's see, it's 9:45. The girls will be here at 10.

First, we must use some tact.

An open door shows a lot of trust. This way they're at ease.

They arrive, we greet them: "Bonsoir! Evening! How are you?".

We open the first bottle, something light.

Bam! First knob: atmosphere! Second knob: music, dance, that's it!

The second bottle: something strong, a cognac.

The second dance: to test the soil!

Another door? Who's in here? - My sister's room.

Nice! Adjoining rooms! - No, it's the young lady's!

But she's not here. - No doing. - No?

A shame, they need to be separated. One must go from there,

then dance, touch, a little leg, a little cheek, ah, a little bite!

Leave! - Where to? - Outside, you close the door.

I with mine, wah pah pow, football! You outside with yours, I here with mine!

OK? - You're set with the French lady but how about me with the girl you called?

Ragioniere, a girl who visits at 10 two young men is prepared, no?

Yeah, I'm a bit excited. - Then let's have a drink.

To you! - To you!

At this point... - What? - Can you call me by my name?

On first name terms? - Cheers, Abele! - To amitié! - Amitié!

And what'll we do with this stuff? - Come, unwrap it! It needs to be seen, no?

You old rascal, you like orgies!

Madame Jacqueline! Bonsoir! You've came? Thank you.

I had your telephone call without barely understanding it.

What was so important you had to tell me? - I'll explain the mistake. This way.

Is this house yours? - No, it's mon ami. Monsieur Abele, Madame Jacqueline.

Enchanté. - Monsieur.

Excusez-moi... - Pardon, voulez enlever le manteau, Jacqueline? Pardon.

Le manteau, Abele. - Oui. - Pardon...

Jacqueline... - Pardon. - Thank you.

Jacqueline! - What do you mean?

It's about the 50,000 lire. Excuse my going away.

I heard a noise, I thought it was your husband and...

Vous avez compris, oui? - Thank you.

Vous voulez entrer? Je vous en prie.

She's here! Such a woman!

Smell this perfume!

What class! - Now you see her dressed but...

Ah, because... - Now, in a few moments...

Let me go. - Where? - In there.

Me too. - No, stay. Wait for your lady. I'll go alone.

OK, I'll get ready in the meantime. - Get ready, get ready, Abele!

Cice'! Uh…chérie!

Mon amour! - Music, liquor... I get it. I'm not stupid!

Who said you're stupid? It's a snack.

I knew right away when I saw your friend.

He's a good person, like a father to me.

Oh, he has no father's face! He's has a face of a cochon!

Gimme at least a kiss! - No!

No. If I give you a kiss, you've paid for my love 50,000 lire.

Well, is that too little? Gimme a kiss... - No!

I asked you for 50,000 lire, not to pay with my love!

You think I'm an easy woman!

A horrible character!

Why the money then? - It's for my poor mother who needs it.

Who is your mother? The one in the photo from Alsace? - Oh, she's dying from hunger!

She needs money, understand? Right away!

Must I give it? - Yes, toi! Because you're rich

and I'm poor and the rich must help the poor!

Who told you that?

And besides... I did give it. - Oh, yes, you've paid!

Do with me what you will! Go on!

Ah, now we're starting to go nuts. How when one makes plan...

But your husband this money... - Oh, il n'est pas mon mari!

He's not my husband!

He won't give me a cent for maman.

He doesn't even want maman to come to Italy to live with me!

You understand? He's never seen her but he hates her!

Never seen her and hates her? Why he's a jerk!

And maman is marvelous. A great lady.

Jacqueline! You can have her come here with the argent I gave you!

No, you loaned it to me. - I lent it to you. Fine.

With the argent that I loaned you, pay for her trip.

This way the commendatore will have a nice surprise! - Yeah? And him?

And if he gives you flack, tell him,

"It's either maman or bye-bye! Either she comes or I stay in France with her!"

Got it? - You think so? - Oui!

You're so smart! - No, in love, Jacqueline!

If you were free, I'd make a family with you and maman!

If I were the commendatore, not just 1 maman, but 10, 20, 30, 100 maman! All!

All of them, I say, all... - Oh, I'd like a family too with such affection! Who's that?

What did she say? What? - She says you're a cochon!

Cochon? - OK?

What do you mean? - Hey, are you drunk already?

Cochon! I'm here and yet here you come.

I'm here with mine, you with yours out there, no?

And where is mine? - Where?

Is it my fault she didn't come? I called her.

Let me come in a bit... - You can't.

I can't? - She's madly in love. - Venez!

Come here, gentlemen, and keep me company.

Jacqueline, a knight: 500 lire. You 2500...

I must go! It's 12, the commendatore is waiting. - Tu ne peux pas rester?

No. It's impossible.

Je prends le manteau. Hey! Wake up! And don't just lie there, get up!

Hey! Monsieur!

Oh! Again?

Jacqueline, Le manteau. - Merci.

Madame, bonsoir. Attendez...

When can we be a little alone? - Oh, Alberto, guess what?

You and me, a week together, because the commendatore is leaving.

Leaving? - Yes.

And a week together? - Oui.

I can't - Why? - I gotta go to Paris. I told you earlier.

To do what? - Business, paperwork to dispatch...

Paris isn't lovely at this time. Don't go. - Jacqueline! Wait!

What fate! We must meet again.

What do I care about France! I want to be with you!

You want to be with in Rome to see the Colliseum and everything?

Yes, the Colliseum, but at night. - Really? - Really.

Au revoir! Au revoir! No, no, no...

See you soon!

See you soon, Jacqueline!

Abele! A week alone with Jacqueline, oh!

Continue, I'm going to...

And I had to go to Paris? Sometimes Destiny...

It's much to think about you see.

Seven days!

Oh God! Oh God, what a headache!

What a headache, my Cicetta! A circle of pain that hammers me all over!

Oh God! - With that look! Where have you been?

Looking for a sedative all night. What time is it?

1:30. - 1:30? You see?

Looking and looking for a sedative... - You know I know you.

I fell.

One day, you'll fall for sure.

No, in this compartment we're good.

Lobianco! - Not here! - I'll make you have Easter here, eh!

Dini! - Here!

Racca! - Present! - Oh, we're all good here.

Look at Ranieri! - Giovannella, hurry! You miss the train!

What? Are you crying? - Well, I'm very affected by departures.

You coming too, Dottore? - Yes, why the surprise?

But you're moved by so little? It's not the first time you've traveled.

I know, Cice, but being away from you... - Bye! I'm leaving!

Listen. Write to me. - I will, Cice'.

Every day? - Yes, of course.

A telegram on arrival and a post card every day. Right, Ragioniere? - Yes.

Bye, Cice'. Bye. - Be good, eh? For me please!

Yes, Cice'. - Bye. - Bye.

Have a nice trip, eh! - Bye.

Why don't you come too, Cice'? Come with me. Don't leave me alone!

I said it, "Come with me!"

Have a good trip! Bye!

Civitavecchia! One changes for love! - Abele, now I'm calm, you got it all, eh?

A telegram on arrival, and a post card:

"Cicetta mine, I think of you so much." And a gift! A French cadeau.

Dottore! - What?

Sorry you can't come! - I am too, sweetheart!

Hey, off with those hands!

Goodbye! - OK, Abele? The Eiffel Tower, eh. -Yes, bye!

Thank you, all! - Bye!

Concierge!

Sleeping, eh? - Well? - The lady in no. 19 expects me.

Here, take my suitcase.

Chérie! Chérie!

Excuse me. - Bonsoir.

No, I was looking for Jacqueline's room. - Oui!

Je suis la maman. - Maman?

Maman! Je suis Alberto!

Oui, et où est votre fille? - Il y a pas. She's not in.

Not in? Et quand elle retourne? - Ehm... dans 6 days.

You've ruined me.

Vous m'avez roviné!

With whom has your daughter gone? - Avec the commendatore.

The Commendatore? - The commendatore me saw.

He saw you? - Taken Jacqueline.

Taken Jacqueline? - Gone away! - Gone away?

Right away. - So the commendatore saw you and took Jacqueline away?

I give up all and she goes off with him.

Je suis toute seule. - But she told me to wait for her!

I was already en voyage pour Paris if she hadn't told me not to!

Compris your daughter?

Great. What do I for 6 days in Rome?

I can't even go home. - I don't understand.

I am alone. Je suis seul!

Oh! Alors vous venez avec moi!

To show San Pietro, Piazza Navona, Parthenon, Piazza Venezia, Fontana de...

Trevi. - De Trevi, Villa Borghese, the zoological gardens!

Understand?

Ah! Maman!

What do I do now?

The gentleman is leaving. - Yes.

Listen, is there a room here?

We have very nice rooms. - Very nice?

5,000 a day. -Gimme that suitcase!

Sir! - What?

I recommend my cousin's hotel, "The Golden Fleece."

Modest, but dignified. - Modest? Why say that? Really!

Uhm, listen, anyway... where is this Golden Fleece?

Alberto! - Ah! Don Umberto!

But weren't you in Paris? - I didn't get on the list.

Strange, they promised me. - Yet, at the last moment, they didn't. - Curious...

You're off to a blessing? - What do you think? - Yes, I know.

Remember when I was an altar boy?

Much change you pocketed, right?

You noticed? - As if I didn't know you.

Are you celebrating Easter?

Yes. - You know I can read your eyes like an open book?

Come here, tell me the truth: you are worried right now.

Why?

A friend of mine. - And what has he done?

He told his wife he went to Milan but he went secretly to Rome. Poor guy.

Secretly? Then he's up to no good! - No.

Then why doesn't he go back to his wife? - Because...

Because he sent postcards from Milan and can't go back home. What should he do?

Listen, Alberto, tell your friend in Milan not to send postcards to your wife

and you go home! OK? Goodbye!

Don Umberto! - What?

The friend of mine wasn't me at all. - Ah, no?

Then tell your friend to call Milan and go back home. OK? Agreed?

Good judgment, OK?

You and your friend!

And Happy Easter!

Also to you, Don Umberto. - Yeah, fine.

Hi, Dante. Best wishes! Happy Easter!

Already back, Dotto'? - A surprise for my wife.

In Paris it rains, the French after... better not to speak.

Dotto', don't ruin me. Don't ruin me. I admit I was wrong.

What happened? - The car. - The car? - Yes, the car.

Mine? - I rented it out. - Rented it out?

Yes, Dotto'. But you still had 3 days in Paris!

This time, I'll ruin you. Shut you down.

Rent my car! To whom? - An American woman.

She broke down, was stuck in Rome. - An American? So you break me down?

Call the American at Fregene!

Fregene? - Yes. - Fregene too!

Dante! What's the number? - How is my wife?

Dotto', please don't ruin me. The car'll be here tomorrow morning.

Can't you even make a phone call? - What's the number?

An American woman at Fregene. What a mess!

The American is on the phone, Dotto'. - Eh? American?

Shall I talk to her or you?

Dotto', shall I talk to her or you?

I speak of course, the car's mine! - Hello!

Help? Just a moment! - Give it here!

Hello! Hello! I am... Ah, you speak Italian?

She says she speaks Italian.

Hello! Miss! I'm the car's owner.

This is rather nice: I come back from Paris and don't find my auto...

What is that? What?

Alone at your villa?

Well then, I can't allow a lady to go to any trouble.

I'll go to you, Ma'am. I'll come tomorrow to pick up my car.

No, no, it's no bother at all. I just have to go to...

To Fregene, you say? Fregene, really? By all means!

I work in insurance and I had a little task to do in Fre...

Yes? I'll be there in the morning

Ah! A whiskey? Thank you!

Thanks! Thank you! To say it in... She hung up. But look...

Alone at the villa.

Thank God you have to deal with a gentleman! - Thank you!

Which is the American's car? - Over there. - This one.

It's English. - No, it's a Topolino.

What a sweet voice she had. - Her name is Spencer. - Spencer?

Yes. It has a broken circuit.

What's this? A hat? Did she forget it? - No, she left it.

We wanted to give it to her. - You did? Why? - Well, just because...

Chinese or Japanese. She must be one of a kind.

Your kind, Dotto'. - Spencer?

I'll bring it back to her.

Ah, Dante! Is there another exit from here?

Yes, at the end of the courtyard. But Dotto', aren't you going home?

What? Without a car? And if she asks me where it is, what do I say? A girl has it?

"Who's that girl?" I'm just going to see who she is.

Ah! Dante, I'm in Paris, eh? - Yes, yes...

Don't worry, Dotto'.

Spencer! Yes!

Hey, caretaker, does Miss Spencer live here?

No. Mrs. Spencer you mean. - Oh God, is that her husband?

I'm the car's owner. - What do you want?

I've come to get it because... - The lady has gone shopping. - She did?

I can come back. - Yes, but she'll be here soon.

Thank you, I wouldn't want to... - You won't have to wait long. Please sit.

Well, if you insist, I could wait... - Allow me to introduce myself,

Colonel Duzzipalù! - Reserve Deputy Lieutenant Ranieri!

There they are! - Who? - We're invaded by crickets! - Crickets?

They eat the flowers. - I thought... Aren't you the lady's husband?

Not me. Her husband is right now probably working in... Tokyo.

Tokyo? Japan? - Yes, Japan.

Is he Japanese? An aviator? - No, American. He's a top pilot.

Military aviation? - What do you mean?

Military? I meant civilian. - Civilian. He now does the Eastern route:

Tokyo, Karachi, Singapore, Hong Kong...

Rome? - No! - Rome never?

Now and then. Comes unexpectedly and leaves quickly.

And has he been away a long time? - Yes.

So you piratically live alone with the lady.

A guest for 2 years. - Yes? And the husband flies!

Ever since I was pensioned. - Ah! And the lady houses you?

A paying guest! - Ah, it must be nice to be a guest here! Healthy living, sport!

Is this stuff yours, Colonel? - No, it's the husband's.

He likes boxing. - Boxing?

I bet you're the owner of the car!

Good day! - Good day!

Forgive me for what happened. - Oh, please!

Certainly, it was a surprise when I returned from Paris.

Adorable, these two tykes! Whose are they? - They're mine.

Your children?

Yes, I've been married 8 years to an American.

Ah, just think! And you already have these 2 tykes? - Yes.

Nice. And what's their names? - Elizabetlh and Morris, say hello.

Oh, there you are in flip flops!

Sweet! And so polite!

So healthy. I bet they're just like their father: big, strong!

Take the eggs and wash your hands. - Very good! Take them! Obey Mama!

Don't make her mad! Go! If I may have 5 minutes... - Colonel, do you know...

Colonel Duzzipalù. - Doctor Ranieri. - A pleasure. - Charmed.

This is the man whose handsome car I stole.

More like a lucky thing... - By the way, I owe you a whiskey!

Would you like an aperitif, Colonel? - At your order!

Whisky? - No, Ma'am, thank you. It's as if I already accepted it. Thanks.

But last night I said... I always pay my debts.

No, Ma'am, what debts? I don't consider a pleasure a debt.

But at least a little water? - Eh...Nothing, Ma'am.

Nothing? - No... - Really? - Nothing at all!

Would you like another orange soda? - Yes, with all my heart.

I like them. Also, an apple.

Apples are good, I like apples.

"Pippo, give me the apple!" They say that when eating an apple.

You came here to investigate? - Yes, to investigate yes.

And what investigation, may I ask?

Wasn't there a mill burned in Fregene? - Yes.

It was here? - Yes.

The one by the sea? Was that it? - Yes.

I'm here for that.

Ah, the one that burned down due to a short circuit.

Yes, a short circuit. Short circ... short circuit!

Was it on purpose? - What do you exactly mean by that?

That it was done by the mill owner to cash in on the insurance claim.

Well, Colonel, we can't say that yet.

I'm here to investigate, to find out, to get to know...

So you're a kind of detective? Or am I wrong?

Yes, in the insurance business I'm a detective.

Nice! Are you staying long at Fregene?

Yes... I could stay here long.

What do you say? Shall I stay? - You're asking me?

Have you already found a room? - No, not yet.

You see you won't find any. They're all full, it's Easter.

Well, I'm staying. I'm staying all the same.

Even if it means sleeping in a boat, my duty forces me to stay.

I've an idea. - Maybe it's the same one I have.

Get up. Get up! I'm telling him to get up. - Me? - Get up.

I'm going to show you your room. OK? - My room?

Mine? Don't tell me I'm your guest, Ma'am? - Please, the colonel's guest!

I've 2 rooms rented by the lady. I'll give one to you.

Come, I'll show you. - Like a fairytale!

Excuse me, Ma'am. Colonel! Which is my room?

The lady lives up above.

On the ground floor under that arch is where I stay.

Yes, a cellar. - Semi.

You sleep here. - And the lady above. - Like I said. - Adjoining stairs?

No, luckily with the children around... everyone is on their own.

Everyone on his own.

What is it? - My usual ailments.

Madam, I'm done! I'm all set! - You saw it? Good!

I like it a lot! - As for food, have you thought what to do in the meantime?

With the lady, no? - No, we can't take too much advantage.

We were invited today on account of Easter.

Then it's the restaurants! - But why throw away money

when I have everything here: stove, pots, pans!

You'll eat with me. - Why put yourself out?

It won't be a bother at all: 1,000! - 1,000?

For food and lodging. - You said guest...

Then I'll sleep there and you here, eh? - Very well.

No, wait Colonel, you'll block my way.

Why? Just pretend like I don't exist. - What? - I don't exist!

But you do. And I if I want to go out? - Where would you go at night?

What? Where would I go at night?

Quiet or you'll wake the children.

Sorry. I sing like this so to not think. Sometimes, you see, one...

Ah, how do I understand. Sometimes it's better not to think.

Why?

You have everything in life: You're American,

a beautiful house, two children...

Luckily! If I didn't have them... - Why?

What could you want? - Eh, maybe the most important thing.

Do you believe in love at first sight? - Look, I want to go to bed!

Go then. - You first. Else you'll wake me when you pass.

The colonel is right. Nighty-night, boys!

Good evening, Ma'am. - Nighty-night, Ma'am!

But... Colonel, how is this to be?

I was talking to the lady and you butted in.

Don't do that. I need my freedom. What's with this nonsense?

I must go to bed early! My health won't allow...

What? Are you sick? What do you have? - A hernia. - Hernia?

These military men annoy me!

Colonel, go to a doctor tomorrow in Rome. You don't look well.

Don't exaggerate! - But how we do know what you have 'til we make sure?

Ah, no! - No? You have a hernia!

You need to be careful, take care. What are you doing? Coughing?

Is it dangerous? - You're asking me? Ask the doctor. What did he say?

I didn't consult him. I'm scared I'll be sent to the hospital.

What? An old soldier like you afraid of a hospital! - I confess it's true.

Well, no need for a hospital. - What... what do you want to do?

We'll send you to a clinic. - A clinic? But I was going...

Where? You're going to bed!

I wanted some water. - Come on!

I'll do it, don't worry.

We are tormented by crickets!

We're tormented by crickets, Ma'am, do you know?

Uncle Alberto! - What is it?

Where did the Colonel go? - Where did the Colonel go?

You've asked me 30 times already, dear. To make a visit.

Why?

Hey, can you get me some cigarettes? - But I... - Go ahead.

Allow me, Ma'am? - What do you want to do?

I'll do it. I like it. - Please.

Really, you never know...

A few days ago, we didn't know each other and such is the destiny of men...

Now here we are in this paradise just like...

Yes, let's say it: just like husband and wife.

What did you say? - Nothing.

Just the weakness of an old bachelor, Ma'am.

Show your hands! Go on! Show your hands!

Go! Wash those hands!

Excuse me, Ma'am.

Where is your husband now, Ma'am? - Flying, I think, over Japan.

Show your hands! Show your hands! Go! Wash those hands!

Then we are alone tonight, Ma'am. - Alone with the colonel.

Mail! - Eh! Let's hope he doesn't come ba...

Ma'am, there's also a telegram - Thanks.

Nothing for me, postman? - No. - From Paris?

Nothing. - My office is silent but no worries!

Oh, no! This can't go on like this! - What is it?

My husband isn't coming for Easter. He's going to America to see his mom!

He's going to his mother with no thought of us! - And what about Mama Spencer?

Even you are against mother-in-laws! This is selfishness! Excuse me, Ma'am,

suppose we do this:

give the horns, so that poor old lady'll die without seeing her son, her baby.

Would that be fair? - But I haven't seen him for 4 months. I'm alone.

Well, I wouldn't say... - Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

What are these children yelling? - Daddy! Daddy!

No, dears, that's not him! For them every passing plane is Dad's.

Little fools! It's not daddy! It's not daddy!

And that's all we'd need now if it were!

The young nurse of your doctor friend is extraordinary.

Do you know her? - No.

I confess she dazzled me. I would've stayed in the hospital for her.

But your doctor friend did not want to operate.

If it was a single place, yes. But being in the right and the left,

he advised the truss. - Good.

Cigarette? - I don't smoke. My stomach.

I'm not allowed that either. - Listen, Colonel,

I wanted to ask you, Mrs. Lina... - Yes?

Just out of curiosity, she must be in...

in a rather strange situation. - In what sense?

That husband of hers, a house full of men...

What men? - Well, you, me... Wouldn't her husband be jealous?

Him? Don't make me laugh! He's American!

Rather, the fool neglects her. - Ah, he neglects her?

And you, be honest... - I've a certain sympathy

of a spiritual nature. But as to anything physical...

Of course, physical... - You noticed she's a woman of class!

You think she'd betray her husband? - I've never tried it.

I wouldn't want to lose her respect and especially my lodgings.

But the lady might? - Don't make me say anything.

I've been here for a while, I consider myself part of the family and she'd know...

You can tell me. Come on, we're men! And I'm only here for a while, Colonel.

The children. - Children?

The lady loves them very much. They impose a seriousness, understand?

Colonel, I don't like these kids. - Snakes!

Something cynical about them! - Bright, foxy eyes!

Children today. One'll laugh when they grow up!

And the mother is naive.

I'm old, I've experience and I understand women.

She is the kind of woman who'll fall into the hands of the first man

with a wide chest who'll carry her here, on the rocks, under the moon

and bravely throw her down! Ah, we're romantics, my dear Ranieri!

Giulia? - Yes, Ma'am?

Giulia! Is there anybody in the garden? - I don't think so.

There's nobody in the garden? - I think so.

Could it be a man? - Good guess!

Ranieri, what are you doing? Are you nuts? - Ah, Lina!

It's a beautiful night! - What do you think you're in? August?

Have you ever bathed on the rocks, under the moon?

It washes everything, you know. Washes away every concern.

Shall we? You need to be a little brave in life.

No, forget it. I've other things on my mind.

I'll do it!

Will you watch?

Mama Mia, what a huge headache I've got! Thanks, Sirs.

Thank you, it was kind of you to rescue me. I slipped who know the rocks so well.

You live here? - It's not my house.

My Cicetta, how my head hurts! I've gotten a cold too, you see.

I feel sick.

This guy was drowning. - What happened? What did he do?

He was bathing and started to feel ill.

I've got a cold. - Let's put him here.

I should have gone to Paris!

Mr. Ranieri! Where are you going? - Back to Rome.

You leave without saying goodbye? - I've had a great disappointment.

Last night you didn't come to see how I was.

I did! You were sleeping. - Why didn't you wake me?

Oh, you were sleeping like a baby.

A baby? If you only knew the nightmares I had!

I saw my whole life in a dream.

What a wasted life!

Without any meaning. Do you believe life has meaning?

Don't know. I'd say yes. - Mine certainly doesn't.

An orphan since childhood, a bachelor...

I've never known the joys of family life. Never!

I could get engaged. But with whom?

Alone.

Confined to a hotel room, eating sauces in diners among people you don't know.

As Carducci said, "Suppress your regrets in work!".

Ah, yes, the office has given me satisfaction.

They say I'm stern.

I have no joys.

It's sad, you see.

That a man like me: young, healthy, exuberant

ends up thinking of suicide! - Sir! What are you saying?

Don't say that, it upsets me. I'm alone too!

But you have your husband. - Yes, like one who doesn't exist.

And words like yours, do you know how many times I've said the same?

How strange! The first happy moments of my life

I've spent here in this house, this peace, next to you. Eh?

By now, I've resigned myself. - You shouldn't resign yourself.

We shouldn't resign ourselves, we must fight, Ma'am! I'll be back.

Thank you. I'll always be happy to see you.

I'll bless the work that'll bring me back to Fregene. Thank you!

Ah, Ma'am! I allowed myself one romantic gesture.

I found this hat in the car. May I keep it as a memento?

My husband gave it to me but I'll give it to you. - But it's yours. May I? - Yes.

See you soon. Goodbye. - See you soon.

I'll return. Bye. - Goodbye!

Most respected Dottore! - Hi!

Welcome back. - Passport, bill, luggage, hurry I'm going! - Right away.

Boy, room no 15, the Dottore's luggage!

Hurry, I'm leaving. Check when the midnight Paris train

from yesterday gets to Civitavecchia. - OK.

It's a bit complicated. Are the ladies leaving too?

Who? - Your fiancée and mother.

Fiancée? And with a mother? - The French ladies.

French? Are they here? - Yes. - Where? - Lodging under your name.

Where? - At the bar. Shall I get them? - Like I know them!

I'm outta here! Will you carry my luggage? Will...

Bonjour! - If they ask for you, what shall I say?

That I came, left and said hi!

Lemme see, gimme the bill. Go on. - 8500. - 8500...

Alberto! - Here, 8500...

Then the room is free? - Alberto! - Pardon? Pardon!

Chéri, finally! - Chéri? Now you call me that?

At the American Palace you went away and left me seul!

And now, I'm leaving, OK? - But, Alberto, don't you know?

A terrible thing: the commendatore... The commendatore? - Tragedy! - Tragedy?

Oh, look at my little dog! Quelle scène terrible! - Une scène terrible, eh?

When the commendatore saw maman, he was furious! -Yeah? What did he do?

He broke my guitar and stormed out. - And bought you a new one! Bye! - Listen!

You wanted maman to come to Italy!

I was always fighting the commendatore.

It's all over with him! - So what?

What is this monkey? - Me and maman with no one else! Only you!

Damn, I must leave for Civitavecchia, I must leave!

Is there a train? I gotta go! - You can't leave me! Don't go!

Who's leaving? I'm staying! I came on purpose to go...

You wouldn't understand! - You'll leave me now that I'm sick? I have a fever!

Me and maman haven't eaten since last night!

We had thought about dying! Dying in the Tiber!

Oh! Let's not start with the Tiber! I don't want any scandal! Got it?

What do you want? - Oh, Alberto...

Fine. The ladies will stay.

I'll pay. A room without a bathroom. - Oh, thank you, Alberto!

Ah, tu es gentil! - Et pour manger?

The French ladies are at a hotel at my beck and call.

Whenever I want to, I call up, "Allô, chérie! Je viens chez toi!" Bam!

See? You stay in Rome and bam: 2 adventures.

I go to Paris... - And nothing! - What did you expect by yourself?

Abe'! I have three women:

a wife, a lover and one with a spiritual bond.

The three moments of love!

Hey, excuse me! A wife...

When do we arrive in Rome? - We're almost there.

Rome? -Yes. - Almost in Rome? -Yes!

How would I look to my wife? - The usual.

Usual? She'll know I haven't been to Paris. How do I look, Abe'?

Norma! Je retourne de Paris!

Alberto! Hi!

Hello! - What are you doing?

May I come in? - Come in.

What were you saying? - Nothing.

Do you know what I thought? - Yes? - Especially on the first night?

What homesickness! You know I wanted to return?

You lost a little weight, eh? - Yeah? With all I had to do in Paris:

up, down, forward, back, under, above, speak! Speak!

In French! The people there were at Paris: English, Americans,

New Zealanders, the French! So many French in Paris!

Yes. Has it done you good to be so far from home? - Why?

I don't know, you've improved. You seem to be... almost like a man.

When one is alone, you make do. - Dry yourself.

By the way, is there still divorce in France?

Divor...? Is there? Yes. Why?

Why?

If there was divorce in Italy, what would you do?

If there was divorce in Italy? - Yes.

I'd get a divorce! - And then?

And then? I'd get married. - With whom?

With whom? With you!

Really? Thank goodness!

And then I'd divorce you again. And then remarry you. With you, you, always you!

Do you know that I like that idea? Always starting over again!

Miss, may I accompany you?

"No! Let go! No! Yes! My mama!" The honeymoon trip.

Bologna!

Remember when we first met in the restaurant?

"Excuse me, Miss? Are you the cashier? No, I'm the owner!"

"Mrs or Miss? Miss?" "Yes."

"An orphan? No" "No."

"Miss, I wanted to eat at that table."

"I thought I had money but..."

"What? No money?" "No."

"I'm a veteran, Miss. Decorated and without a penny."

"Mama, the gentleman has no money!" "I'm a veteran, Ma'am."

Cice', it's beautiful to be engaged.

Remember when we used to dance at that place... what was it called?

The Medusa. - Medusa! You remember it?

I see rainbows! You like it, Cice'?

And me: "Do you love me?" "Yes, I love you."

"But do you really love me?" "Of course I do." "How much?"

"If you don't love me, I'll kill you! You understand? Kill you!"

Let go of me! - You're crying?

Why cry? What did I do?

Cice'! - You haven't said such things to me like that in 10 years!

And didn't I just say them? Cice'!

Ah, Cice'! My Cicetta! My Cicetta!

Norma! Norma, come down! - She can't! Cicettina mine!

Alberto, come on! - Cicetta mine! Cicetta mine!

Cice'! I'm just joking around!

Just joking! Joking...

I'm joking.

Jokes, jokes...

Dottore, good day! - Good day!

That small bill... - Put it aside.

It's been 2 weeks. - 2 weeks? How time flies!

My dear Onofrio, we're now 2 weeks older!

How old are you? - 40. - 40?

The bill is 18,600. - The bill is...

Eh! We'll have to talk about that my dear Onofrio! 18,600...

2,900? What's that for? - Cigarettes for Madame.

The old lady smokes? - Americans, some lungs!

Oh, my jealous little dog! Come here!

Miss, 780. - Mr. Alberto will pay it soon. OK?

Les allumettes! - Oui, maman!

Petit! Petit! Sur le plateau, Maman!

Like I told her earlier, your daughter doesn't need me anymore.

Look, that makes 6 visits, plus 6 injections for a total of 20,000 lire.

OK? - Docteur, je ne comprends pas I'italien.

Demandez Monsieur Alberto! - Pardon? - No understand!

Good day, my love! - Bonjour!

With that nice hat I love! - Comment ça va, Chérie?

No, my throat still hurts. - How is our patient?

A breakdown is a breakdown. She's still weak.

She needs to eat well, not that stuff in the cans!

She needs steak, pasta, chicken, white fish, some good wine, a dessert...

Very nice! Can she get up, Doctor?

A few hours at a restaurant. - Restaurant? On va au restaurant?

Maman! The only word you know is restaurant!

Doctor... about you know what? - Ah, for a little while, better not.

Not at all? - No. - No. - No.

Still? - Still.

Only nutrition. - Super nutrition! - Super...

20,000. 20,000! - 20,000?

10... and 20,000. - Good day! Bonjour, Madame!

Goodbye! - Good day! - See you once again! - Once again!

Sur le pont d'Avignon loin y danse, loin y danse...

Sur le pont d'Avignon loin y danse, tout en rond...

Tell me, what are we doing? Throwing money out the window?

I'll bring it and just throw it out! Or shall we give it to Garibaldi? - Who?

That guy with the beard! He can't be a real doctor with that beard!

He's so handsome with the beard, so romantic!

Romantic? He just took 20,000 lire! - But I'm sick!

Maman! Too much smoking going on! Always with a pipe in your mouth! 2,900!

And don't hang out the wash! Don't you see what you're turning this room into?

A gypsy camp! Gypsies! - And no l'argent for a washwoman!

L'argent! L'argent! I don't find l'argent under a brick!

I slave for it! Where are you going with that hat?

Non si va al restaurant? - Non! Non!

Here there are cans of salmon, of peas, cacciocavalli, all top quality!

What more do you want? No restaurant!

I'm the boss here! I'm the commendateur!

Silence! Enough! - Who's that? - Another commendateur.

Get the restaurant out of your head! Vous avez compris?

Garçon! Et maintenant, ma chérie, qu'est-ce que tu prends? Poisson?

Bring me fish. The best! Et Du vin rouge!

Alberto. - Cice'! Did you read this?

Old Alpine guide found frozen in Cervino!

Professor! - Huh? - Did you hear me? - Well?

I ask what necessity they have, moral and social, these...

Alberto, leave the poor old man alone.

How about them though? - Who? - Them!

Good evening, Ma'am! - Evening! - Bonsoir à vous!

Well? They come regularly. - Too much so.

Well? Are they complaining? - I'm the one complaining.

All week, night and day, and they never pay.

You wrote it down? - Eh, yeah. - Put it on their bill.

Alberto, do you know them? - Know them? Me?

My insurance company is going to pay them a fortune.

They are full of money, bursting, Cice'! - Perhaps.

Rich!

Alberto, will you come here for a moment? - I must go there? What's up Cice'?

Am I not right? Correct me if I'm wrong,

why should they send a poor old man on the mountains to freeze to death?

Come here a moment. - I'm coming, Cice'. Explain it to me, Professor. Explain it.

Are you sure he's going to divorce his wife and marry you?

He told me so. But it's a delicate business.

His wife threatened to kill herself. - Ah, nice.

Alberto, I'm throwing those 2 out. - What do you mean?

Remember how I threw out that one from Agrigento? - Don't start again.

Don't dig up the past again, OK? Those are French ladies. French!

They are related to the Director. I volunteered myself. Me!

"Don't have money to exchange?"

"Come and eat at my restaurant and the company'll pay me back."

If you make me look bad, they'll throw me out!

I don't want to know who they are or where they're from but who's paying!

I'd like to know that too. And I'd like to be friends with who pays.

Big time stuff, in insurance...

Ma'am! She says the fish is not fresh.

Who? - The French lady.

Ah, the French lady? Come with me!

I will now speak to the French lady.

Ci'! - Yes, Dotto'? - Come here!

2 hard boiled eggs, a banana and a bag 'cause I'm leaving! - OK.

Ah, Maman! Qu'est-ce que tu veux?

Non, il n'est pas frais. - The fish is very fresh from this morning.

Excuse us, maman has a very delicate stomach, very nervous.

Il n'est pas frais. - Oh yeah? Take it away.

Hem, tout va bien? Tout bien?

Alberto, this situation isn't possible anymore. You haven't come for 2 days.

I know but I've been looking for work for you and maman. - Yes? Did you find any?

No. C'est difficil. Very difficult for foreigners.

Will you see me tonight? - Tonight, I can't.

Why not? - Because I'm leaving. Demain, I'll see you demain.

Fais attention, Alberto. - See you tomorrow. Tomorrow!

If you go to the office demain, say hi to your uncle, the director.

J'espère que ceci sera mieux, Madame.

Ah, you speak French quite well! - Un peu. Je l'ai étudié à l'école.

Et après ça je suis allée à Paris avec mon mari.

Boss! It's ready. - Ready? Au revoir! Au revoir!

Ciccio, my bag! - Alberto! - Huh?

Where are you going? - Fregene for the fire. - You're not done eating.

I just remembered there are people waiting for me.

Cice', big time stuff that shake the government! - Yeah, the government.

Wow! - What? - The French lady paid you a compliment.

So? - Well, I have a sensitive soul.

To hear that a relative of the director recognizes the merit of my wife

is something that'll make me feel good all day long.

Bye, Cice! - Bye. Don't get damp.

Ma'am, the bill, please. - Coming.

"Today, December 24, all quiet on the front."

"The 32nd battalion has been deployed at 12 altitude."

"At altitude 17, since yesterday the artillery has stopped."

"One hears the continuous rumble of cannons in the far distance."

"The rumble of cannons in the far distance."

The colonel is sick, Ma'am. - The colonel feels...

He had an attack. - Everytime it's a new excuse.

He's sick, another attack! - Really? A serious attack?

Very serious! I'm the one who attacks whenever I see you! - Mr. Alberto!

I attack you, Ma'am. It was inevitable! - Oh, God, Mom!

Mom? You're calling mom now?

Who has taught you this blow? - My husband. - Your husband?

Teach these things to a lady!

Don't you consider my children? - No!

At least consider my husband! - And who considers me? Who?

Don't you know I've broken with my family? How can I show myself to daddy?

I left my rich French fiancée who I loved more than my eyes!

Please... - Let's not put ideas in our heads.

Go away! My husband can arrive any minute!

Please do me the favor of getting divorced! - No!

He promised me not to fly anymore! - Not to fly? - Not to fly!

Don't you realize I'm waiting for him?

Who gives a crap! Eh, excuse me...

A horn. An American horn?

Is it Bob's car? - Yes.

Oh God, it's Bob.

It's Bob. - What can we do now?

Oh God, what was I saying? Ah, Bob's here.

You must decide: him or me. Either way, I'm outta here.

Which way, please? - That way's better. - Thanks. I'll come back and marry you.

Calm down! I'll see who it is. - I'm super calm.

Not there! The maid - The maid?

Mr. Alberto, in pajamas? But you'll compromise me! I've been burned before.

I'll scream and scream. - Shut up, I've good intentions. I'll marry you.

I've a position! - Oh God, I'm so compromised!

Shut up! What arms you have! - I've a brother in the hospital. Let go!

I see a man down there, who's that? - A palm tree, Sir. - A palm tree?

Can you go down from here? - Yes and up. - Yes?

I'll go down. Is it high? - About 2 meters. - 2 meters?

Yes. - 2 meters? - Yes.

2 meters, you say? - Yes. - Really?

Hey! I can't feel it! 2 meters? - Yes!

It is. - Really? I'll try it. - Mr. Alberto?

2 meters? More like 2,000!

Adventures, risks! I lacked those experiences.

I married very young, - Why did you get married then? - Why does that matter?

Am I the the only one to have 3 women at once? What about the Mormons?

And the Arabs too. - And the sultans, the patriarchs,

don't they have women too? Know what I realized I am?

A pig? - A polygamist!

Man is polygamous. Every man has the right to several women.

It's a law of nature. I didn't make it!

And it's good, you know, it's fantastic!

Ah, how fulfilled you feel! Like dynamite!

And you really need 3 women? - Who me?

Yeah. - Yes, I've 3 women and you don't. Is it my fault you don't?

See, you look like an Easter egg! - Hands off. Get your hands off me!

Wow!

You serious? - And don't call me Abe'!

Dotto'! - Remember I'm your boss!

But what's wrong? - And give me back my 50000 lire!

You'll have it. - I'm sick of your women!

And be on time in the office tomorrow or you're fired!

Wow!

Crazy people!

Evening, Alberto!

Albe', good evening! - Yeah, good evening!

My co-workers are all consumed by envy! All of them! Want to hear the latest?

My boss wants to double-cross me! He's afraid I'll get his job!

Oh, yes. - What does that gewgaw want?

What gewgaw?

Who is that guy? - Him? Who knows?

He said he was the French ladies' guest.

It's not impossible that he's the lawyer.

I think it's the lawyer.

Ah! It's the lawyer!

Dear lawyer, how are you? - My dear Dotto', I find her well, healthy.

Oui, il est charmant.

Commendato', what title do you go by here?

Sorry, I don't get you. - I said, what title?

Ah! As a guest of the ladies. But don't misunderstand me:

Between me and her everything is over. We're just good friends now.

Yes, it's true, Alberto.

You like the Chinese hat? It's a gift from Alberto.

My compliments! Very good taste! - But who said you can wear that hat?

We're together because tonight we're going to the dog races.

The dog races? - To try our luck. It was his idea.

The commendatore is bankrupt. No more money, no more d'argent, dear!

Dear Alberto, I find myself in a real jam.

Dishonored notes, seizures...

My sister wrote me from the hospital she broke her arm. Read it! - Yes, yes. - Read!

Today me, tomorrow you. Unfortunately today is my turn.

Look, you won't believe me. But if you can get from my pockets 1 lira,

you know what 1 lira is? - Yeah. - Even just 1 lira, I don't have it.

Asparagus, Jacqueline? - Oui.

Vous aussi, maman? Asparagus? - Yeah, she'll want some.

Boy, asparagus!

But you know, deep down I'm at ease.

The business with the sacks went badly. So much the better! A mistake

which I'll never repeat. Maybe another one, but not that!

I'm at ease. I'm eating... - No. You're not eating.

Yes. I am eating. Boy, the pepper!

If you don't pay the bill, I'll call my wife, OK?

Such harsh words.

And I'll answer with something even harsher.

It wouldn't be nice for you to call your wife. - What? Is that a threat?

I don't threaten. I eat.

We don't joke around with hunger, my lad. N'est-ce pas, Chérie?

You haven't understood much of what we've said. - Alright.

But c'est la vie! La vie! - Alright...

Well? - It's all good. The office will pay.

The office? - And keep tab! Giulio, the soup!

Proffesor! Will you pay your bill or not?

You disappoint me! I was about to tell you my book came out in Barcelona.

Then go eat at Barcelona! Enough, OK? Enough!

These debtors! My wife is generous but I say enough! All of you! OK?

Move it with that soup, eh?

Excuse me, is Dr Ranieri here? - Yes, at the table. - Thanks. - Welcome.

What do I care if... - Alberto!

Are you surprised to see me here? - What a nice surprise! So nice!

I was looking for you everywhere. I wanted to look for you at your office,

but I didn't remember the name of your company. I've such a bad memory.

Alberto? - What?

We're in trouble. - Really? Well, let's go, the food is so bad here.

Do you know my husband saw you the other night?

Yeah? He saw? - He wants a divorce!

Divorce? - Thank God, you're here!

You must help me, Alberto dear. You must talk to him.

But what I can say? I don't know English.

Between us there was nothing and you know it.

A gentleman can't allow a misunderstanding of this nature.

I don't want to lose my husband.

I love him.

I know I can count on you, right?

Oh, holy Madonna!

Mammina, wasn't there a door here? - Yes, but it was you who walled it up.

It was me... walled it up... the door...

Mama Mia! Mama, help me!

Help me, mama!

Who is that beautiful lady at the table?

I don't know. Who?

She wasn't talking to me! She said, "Is Pietro here?

I said, "Who's Pietro? I don't know him." She told me a story about this Pietro.

But if she were waiting for you! - Don't you see that she's gone?

Why do you always make me police you?

What's been going on here for the last few days?

What's going on? - What, Cice'?

Who is the French tramp with that hat?

I know that you've been making a fool of yourself since 10 days ago!

Fool? - Yes, an imbecile with your looks, smiles, words!

I said nothing but I saw all. All! But enough's enough!

The director's relatives, the insurance, the lawyer: I don't give a damn!

I'll kick them all out! - All? Cice'!

All of them! Do it! - Let me go!

Do it! We don't want anybody in our home!

I'm telling you that hat is mine. - What do you want from me?

Alberto! - What, Cice'? I'm in here with Mama.

Excuse me, what's your name? - Those are my initials.

Are we thieves? - Alberto, who's hat is this?

Then you know her! - No! - Who's this lady?

How stupid! I forgot we were at school together!

What is he saying? What school? - Ah, well, no big mystery.

At school all we students went around with whistles.

Where did you buy the hat, Alberto? - He took it from my house!

Alberto, come here! - What are we doing now? A play?

He's married? Il est marié? - Shut up or I'll slap you!

ll est marié. - Alberto, don't leave me here in this situation!

What do you want from me? I hafta go! - Alberto, come here! - No!

No, I won't open! You put me in this situation!

What do they want from me?

Alberto, what did you do? What happened?

Hold it! Hold it! They're killing me!

It's a scandal! - Open up! - Who's in there?

Madonna Mia! Madonna Mia! Cicetta won't forgive me this time!

I'm leaving! To Venezuela, to my brother-in-law!

Alberto, knock it off! - You'll never see me again!

I'm still holding it, Dotto'? - Eh?

What are they saying?

I don't understand.

Not understand? My wife? What is she saying?

Your wife? -Yes! - She says you're a criminal.

I'm going to Venezuela! I'll kill myself! And I'll never come back!

Ah, poor Albertino, who wanted to go to Venezuela.

Who knows? Maybe he would've left if I hadn't forgiven him.

Oh, we understand each other well. I've forgiven him

but I don't leave him alone anymore. I watch him.

Alberto! Are we starting again?

Are we starting again?

Deep down he's a good boy.

He just needs to get out of his head the idea of being a SEDUCER.

English subtitles by sineintegral@kg