Original subtitles

"Like a mighty army"...

..."Moved the Church of God."

"Brothers, we are treading"...

"...Where the saints have trod."

"We are not divided"...

..."All one body we."

"One in hope and doctrine"...

..."One in charity."

"Onward Christian Soldiers"...

..."Marching as to war."

"With the cross of Jesus"...

..."Going on before."

One basket...

...had very good figs.

But the other basket...

...had very naughty figs.

Then, said the Lord unto me...

..."What seest thou, Jeremiah?"

And I said: "Figs."

My friends...

...for my sermon today, I have chosen the subject of sex.

The other day, a friend said to me...

..."Geoff, old chum"...

..."Is there too much sex around these days?"

"Especially on the television?"

Well, my answer...

...is "Yes."

Oh, I would be the first to agree that sex...

...in its proper context is a beautiful and ennobling thing.

But, in its proper context.

And that does not mean...

...when it is thrust at us for commercial gain.

Thrust at us, in ever-increasing quantities...

...by the muck-mongers of the mass media.

The time has come for us...

...to call a halt to this moral erosion.

To join a crusade for better, cleaner television.

That crusade...

...is the England Clean, England Strong Society.

Hmmph.

"Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one, Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one. Cool as mountain dew."

"Smooth and swift and super-emollient. Instant, special new!"

"Plastic free gifts have to be given"...

..."Free!"

"Satisfaction certificated"...

..."Polyvinyl chromium-plated."

"Every home should have one"...

..."In a monster size."

"Sun-ripe, sunkissed, sun-blessed and bottled"...

..."Super grand surprise."

"Brown and bronzed and bleached with a guarantee."

"Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one."

"Fresher, cleaner, lighter, bigger, better, brighter"...

"Sparkling white, and whiter"...

..."Full of every vitamin"...

..."That you will ever hope to see."

"Every home should have one, Just like mother made"...

..."Silky, sexy, super-deodorous, Tested by the trade."

"Go to work on this and you'll walk on air."

"Spread so smooth and easy to wear and wash"...

..."It's something that you can share in."

"Every home should have one, Gives a well-sprung rest."

"High-grade, high-speed, high-definition, Bigger, better, best!"

"Unrepeatable offer of country fare!"

"Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one."

"Fresher, cleaner, lighter, bigger, better, brighter"...

..."Sparkling white, and whiter! "Full of every vitamin"...

..."That you will ever hope to see!"

Ooh!

Oh...!

Oh!

I'm Whizzy, the Alka Vita Kid!

Feeling unwell? Stomach upsets getting you down?

You tell, em, kid.

"I clean your liver through and through."

"That's the job I do for you."

"See it sparkle, see it fizz!"

"Alka Vita is a whizz."

"For sparkling teeth and tingly gums"...

..."Use Chlorodent!"

"And remember, Chlorodent gives you that HALO OF HYGIENE!"

You said you were going to finish that Saturday night.

Had to watch TV.

"Had to"? A man came in and forced you at the point of a gun?

You and Dad were out, so Hildegarde said---

Hildegard's altogether too easy-going with you.

Dad seeing them again?

That'll be the Jolly Dandruff Giant.

I don't like the Jolly Dandruff Giant. He's a silly old ponce.

What did you say?

Morning, Rich.

Morning, Dad.

Just tell your father what you just said.

I said I think the Jolly Dandruff Giant is a silly old ponce.

- That's interesting, isn't it? - Mmm.

We've got a very good identification with the, er...

- ...fourteen to fifteen age group--- - No, the word he used.

- Do you approve? - Hmm? Um...

...no! Certainly not.

Richard - never let me hear you use that word again.

Policemen say it.

You've never heard a policeman say that!

I did, on a TV play on Saturday night.

Then when the girl came in, they sai---

No one wants to hear. Get on with your cornflakes.

I'll have a chat with Hildegarde.

Hildegarde.

Hildegarde!

HILDEGARDE!

My baby?!

Richard? I don't believe it!

From the fathers I expect this sort of thing.

But from the sons, it's too much.

Goodbye, Mrs Brown!

You're late.

Because it's McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge, dear.

Is that why it's so smooth and creamy?

Yes, dear.

McLaughlin's is made from the pick of the oats.

Come on - eat up!

He LOVES his frozen McLaughlin's, bless him.

Take a tip from wee Angus.

McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge builds bonnie bairns!

"Yes, bonnie boys and bonnie girls"...

..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."

You want a considered opinion?

YUCH!

"Y-U-C-H"?

Precisely.

And underlined!

What went wrong, Nat?

Oh, it's, uh... er, excuse me.

Frank, a merchandising error---

Teddy - what did I do wrong?

You forgot to research the socio-economic profile.

- Socio-economic? - --their board, and their head office.

You see...

...er, Teddy forgot to research the socio-economic profile.

Teddy?

My graphics man - wonderful young fellow...

- ...oh, he is so--- - Pure Victorian sentimentality.

But Frank, the "love equals frozen porridge" angle!

We won the prize for that one, Frank.

The brand-identification factor is up to seventy-three.

I'll go along with that, Frank.

- Hang on! - Nat...

...you have fallen down, on a big one.

McLaughlin's not just one account.

He's a commercial empire.

Um... ooh.

Well, I keep telling that to Teddy.

He can tell you. Teddy, will you tell 'em, please?

Motivational research gave us a...

...survey in depth, Frank.

Mother love is IN.

I go along with that thinking, too, Frank.

He goes along with that thinking, too, Frank.

A McLaughlin campaign has to be important.

Impact, Charles.

- Now, you... play with that sales report. - Teddy, for Pete's sake...

...say something. I am pleading with you to say something.

- Morning, Jenny. - Morning, Mr Brown.

Inject a dignity factor.

- Yes, we can give it more dignity. - Mmm.

Erm, uh, giveaway campaign.

Free plastic, uh... what are those funny things Scotties are always wearing?

Oh, they're what we call "sporrans".

Aye, free plastic sporrans!

We lose McLaughlin, we lose more than agency revenue.

Don't you know his latest factory was opened by royalty?

- "Royalty equals mother love." - Terribly sorry.

There's a chance...

...the McLaughlin conglomerate... McLoughlin foundation.

Sporrans?

What's your view?

- I--- - I agree entirely.

- It stinks. - Uh...?

The campaign as at present conceptualised... stinks.

And he, he is the only one with the...

...with the insight...

...the, the insight, and the guts, to...

...to--- Hmm. Who is he?

Well, he's one of my boys. He's on my team, Frank.

His name is Teddy Brown.

He's a product of the old Nat Kaplan Nursery...

...and I am grooming him personally, Frank.

- Nat, you're hurting me. - Oh.

Then, Brown...

...an honest appraisal of the campaign.

Give it to me straight. Where do you think we went wrong?

Tell him. Tell him where we went wrong, huh?

Well, um...

...fundamentally...

- ...we were--- - Yes, yes?

The mistake we made was, you see...

- ...er, selling porridge--- - A-ha! Ah? Ha, ha, right!

Right? Oh, he hit the nail right on the head! Oh, gee...

...this good old genius, old Teddy, bay-bee! I know what's on your mind!

- You do? - Oh, ho! The classical error...

...we disobeyed Principle Number One.

You don't sell the steak; you sell the sizzle.

Now it's getting exciting. How it's beginning to feel good!

That one creative leap.

All right, Brown.

Set up your team.

You don't take the ball from the man on top of it.

The new McLaughlin campaign...

...from now on: it's your baby.

- It's not funny, it's disgusting. - It's just a hobby.

Collecting girls' knickers?

All the chaps in our form are.

You see nothing wrong in collecting strange knickers...

...and pressing them in your stamp album?

- Well, it was on television. - What was?

The play about this old man.

- He went round clothes lines, stealing knickers. - I don't want to hear!

Goodness knows what your father will think.

- Ready? - No. I came up with the...

- ...art department--- - Stop being a child!

I'm not being a child. Look, I've never...

...handled a whole campaign on my own before, that's all.

That's ridiculous. Believe me. Trust me.

- Nat, I--- - That really hurts a man.

- Are you ready to order, gentlemen? - Look, I'll handle this, Teddy.

I'll, er, I'll have my usual, Mario.

My name is Arthur, sir. I don't know what your usual is.

Oh. Well, then...

...I'll have a little caviare, I think, and, uh...

...and we'll follow that with some oysters, I think.

Some oysters? Yes, sir. Half a dozen? A dozen?

Er, nine.

Nine?

A dozen is so pushy.

Nine.

- Each? - No, no. No, erm, uh...

...I'll just have a... small macaroni cheese, I think.

- Macaroni? - Ta. Grazi.

I come here a lot. The grooviest people in the whole world...

...showbusiness, writers, photographers...

...it's not easy to become a member, let me tell you.

Hello, baby!

Oh, hi.

Saw the show. Loved it.

Loved it!

- Know her? - Know her?

- Ah, come here, come here. - What? What? What?

What did he mean, "Loved the show"?

What show?

Like a rattlesnake.

- Shew! - But, Teddy, Teddy, believe me...

...one of the nicest, most genuine people in showbusiness.

- Nat, about this McLaughlin's campaign--- - Hi, Susie!

Oh... hi! Excuse me, darling, it's work.

Nat, darling, you're very, very naughty.

You never called me back about that dog-food commercial.

Ah, I'm sorry, honey, but you know how it is.

Nepotism in the office. They decided to use a dog.

- Mmm-hmm. - Keep in touch, huh?

- Okay. Bye. - Mmm-hmm.

A moth to my flame, poor thing.

Ha! Power!

Nat...

...d'you really---

Aren't you married? I mean, don't you feel guilty?

Yes.

But, y'see... I have this wonderful understanding with my wife.

She doesn't know.

- Nat, look, about this porridge--- - She's still in the States, see.

I'm fixing up a house so she can come over.

But you know how long these things can take.

- If you play your cards right. - Yeah.

Er, Nat, about the porridge.

Ah... sex is a strange and wonderful thing.

Yeah... so's porridge.

Look, Nat---

Wait a minute.

- Did you say "porridge"? - What?

- Sex and porridge. - What?!

- Sex and Porridge! - What are you talking about, Nat?

Imagine...

...selling porridge... with a sex image!

Oh, Teddy, this is new.

And this is our first plus - and it's good.

Oh, is it good!

And all the time I thought you were a little weirdo!

Hey, Nat, do you really think it'll work?

Work? Listen, kid...

...this campaign has to be ready in two weeks, yeah?

All right. You've got just fourteen days, hear me?

Fourteen days to do nothing...

...think nothing, but sex, yeah?

Sex.

Sex.

Sex.

Sex.

Sir?

Make mine oysters.

"Think dirty."

"Think dirty."

"Ah-ah."

"Think dirty."

"Dirty."

"Think dirty."

"Think dirty."

"Think dirty."

- I'm home, Liz. - LOOK!

Hey, great, but I've got some work to do first---

- They're Hidegarde's! - What...?

She left this morning.

- We, we can post them on to her...? - She left...

...because your son, Richard, took these from her.

- While she was wearing them? - No!

He was keeping them in his stamp album!

Where?

Between Morocco and Mozambique.

Richard. Um...

...Mummy said that, er... you got the idea from, er...

...watching TV.

Yeah. It was a play called, er... "The Fetish".

Er, do, do you know what a fetish is, Richard?

Greville says it's a kind of hobby.

He--- y-yes, yes, yes, I suppose it's a...

...kind of hobby. I mean, look, you see...

...collecting knickers is an unhealthy hobby, because...

...it's involved with sex.

You know what sex is, don't you, Richard?

Oh, sure. What's "involved" mean?

Well, Richard, you see...

...y'see, a woman's body...

...sh-should be respected.

We respect Clarke's sister's body.

All the chaps in the Club do.

She can touch her ears with her toes.

She's double-jointed.

Y-yes, yes, yes...

...but, now, you see, that's not the kind of...

...respect I had in mind.

No. Er, still, I don't want to confuse you.

That's enough for today, but, um...

...if there's anything you're still not clear on...

...I mean, please feel free to, uh---

- I don't think so. - Good.

Oh, yes.

What?

What is a ponce?

Ah.

Ahh.

I...

...I think I can hear your mother calling, Richard, I---

- She probably wants to get you at it. - She what...?

There's a whole crowd coming tonight.

'Ere, you tryin' to slag my bloody bird?

Get bloody knotted!

But this is madness. I mean, all these people - I mean...

...talk about fetching a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Yes, well, I've been proved right.

We've seen it in our own home, with our own child.

Well, I, I, I talked to Richard.

I talked to him. There's nothing wrong in what he did.

I did far worse things at his age.

I was filthy!

He's still being corrupted.

It is our duty to help prevent that corruption from proliferating.

Look, Liz, I've got work to do.

Do you realise I've been put in sole charge of---

Ooh!

C'mon, then, darlin'.

- Oh, stop it, Ern. - Why?

- Well, not 'ere. - Why not?

- Well, people might see. - People?

the people!

I'd just like to get that boy into my Scout troop.

Most of the gang have a bang Saturday.

I mean, what else is there to bloody do?

It's not for stirring your tea with!

Let's face it - we're all the same.

We're all randy bastards.

Did you get that one, Maud?

- Yes, which column? - "Bastard", dear.

That's fifteen "bloodys" and five "bastards".

I only counted four.

There were five - don't you remember, at the beginning?

That was "bedstead".

Oh. Thank you, Daddy.

I wondered what a "brass bastard" was.

Well, I suppose that's some kind of symbolism.

"Think dirty, ah-ah"...

I think he loves me.

Well, he fancies me, anyway.

Still, I suppose we will get married one day.

Only we can't at the moment.

We're saving up for the abortion.

Stuff marriage for a lark.

Everyone goes on about love, the vicar and Dad, an' that.

I don't know anythin' about love.

But I know what I like.

He likes McLaughlin's porridge!

Remember, McLaughlin's porridge...

...and you, too, can be a randy bastard.

Statistics show nine out of ten randy bastards prefer McLaughlin's.

I think that speaks for itself.

Very nasty.

- The director's sight must--- - Disgusting.

And I only hope the Queen wasn't watching.

Oh, I shouldn't think so, darling. There's showjumping on the other channel.

I didn't think it was very... healthy.

- Did you, Teddy? - No, no.

Never is. Not on a rubbish dump.

- I mean, it's cold enough to freeze--- - Erm, there's plenty of tea for anyone...

- ...who fancies it. - Thank you, Liz.

Now, Mr Brown, I don't think you've really met everybody.

- Er, Arthur and Hetty. - Hullo, Arthur...

- ...Hetty. - Leonard, his daughter, Maud.

Hello, Leonard and his daughter Maud.

Er, Colonel Belper.

- Our, er, militant. - How d'you do.

- Hello, militant. - And, er...

...I hope you'll call me Geoff...

...old chum.

Hello, Geoff... old chum.

Look, I think we've got to move immediately on this one.

Degrading and un-English. Right?

- Rather. - Ah, super.

Erm, I think that's the feeling of the meeting. And I think we should also...

...bear down on the sex-before-marriage emphasis.

Agreed, Liz?

Oh, well, yes, I don't think that should be... encouraged.

Right. Then, "Degrading and un-English sex before marriage" it is.

- Will you call Trufitt? - Mmm-hmm.

- May I? - Oh.

Be my guest.

- Who are you calling, the Vatican? - Our MP.

Good chap. Right behind us.

Our vice-president. Maud...

- ...the usual letter to the BBC Board of Governors. - Certainly, Colonel.

And the Archbishop; and The Times.

That's your department, Arthur and Hetty.

You see? It's a question of organisation.

Making the voice of decency and normality heard.

Mellish here.

England Clean, England Strong.

Yes. Now, look, it's about that effort on the television tonight.

Yes, the moral fibre of our island race... yes, yes, I know the form, yes.

Oh, don't worry. I shall come down heavily on pre-marital intercourse.

Oh, goodnight.

Now...

...where were we, Elvira?

My name's Janine, Mr Trufitt, sir.

Well, don't let split hairs.

He fancies you, you know?

- Who? - Geoff.

That long, thin streak of holy water.

Oh, Teddy, he's a priest.

So was Rasputin.

Just because he's masculine and...

...the athletic type, and those nice, white teeth.

What did you say?

Never mind. I'll, er... tick it off on Maud's list.

Tick 'em both off, they come in pairs.

You didn't like any of them, did you?

Well, they're not exactly the "fun people". I mean...

- ...if you really want to know what I think, Liz--- - It doesn't matter what we think of them...

...personally. It's what they're trying to do that's important.

Important?

Are those the... sacred writings?

It's the Society's petition. I've promised to get fifty signatures for it.

"We, the undersigned, are increasingly disturbed by the amount of programmes on television"...

..."whose tendencies are licentious, salacious"...

..."blasphemous, lascivious and purient."

Prurient.

So it is.

"Prurient". What's it mean?

I dunno. You're the one that's collecting fifty signatures against it.

- Do we even know fifty people? - You don't have to.

I'm going to canvas from door to door.

Ooh-hoo. Door to door.

Liz, Liz.

'Ow about a slice of the ol' prurient then, eh, darlin'?

Eh? 'Ow about it, now, darlin'? 'Ow about a slice of the---

- Teddy! - Fancy a bit of the prurient?

No, not... not---

Not tonight.

Tired?

No, it's not that, it's---

If we're going to do this thing properly, darling...

...I think... well...

...I think it's got to be reflected from within ourselves...

...as well.

- I mean--- - Look, love, it---

It's pre-marital they're talking about.

Pre-marital. I mean, post-marital is all right. Fine. Lovely.

Even the Queen does that!

"Think dirty."

"Think dirty."

Ooh!

"Think dirty."

"Think dirty."

"In the mountains of Macedonia"...

..."where porridge is the staple diet of the picturesque"...

..."nomad tribes, it's not unusual for virility"...

..."to continue to a ripe old age."

"What Macedonia can do"...

..."McLaughlin's has done better."

"Yes, bonnie girls and bonnie boys"...

..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."

All right, Frank, hit me.

What I read in that - and correct me if I'm off-beam...

...the general motivational concept that I detected there...

...deduced - intuited, perhaps - was...

...and don't hesitate to shoot me down if I'm wrong...

...sex?

Teddy... Teddy, what can you do with a guy like this, huh?

I dunno. You work.

You research. You conceptualise.

And, pow! He walks in...

...and lands smack dab in the middle of the target.

Was it, was it really so obvious, Frank?

- I mean, would the great mass of ordinary people...? - No, no.

No, I don't think THEY would.

I just happen to have this---

So you like it, huh?

Well, in principle.

Sex as a function for rationalising the...

...frozen porridge-buying mechanism, yes.

That has got a visionary quality.

- Thank you. - But, specifically, not enough yoomph.

- Not enough...? - Yoomph.

- Y-double-O-M-P-H. - Yes, yes.

And I use the word in its testicular sense.

Ah.

What we need is that - but more.

You understand? An equivalent...

...but superior.

Are you getting all this, Teddy? It's invaluable.

Yeah, look, Mr Chandler, I think maybe you've got the wrong guy for the job.

Nat! You assured me.

"Wrong guy for the job"!?

He's kidding you, he's putting you---

Aren't they all the same, Frank?

I mean, these really ballsy ones, huh?

I mean, your true studs.

The strange diffidence. I'm tellin' ya, this kid reminds me so much of me...

...it's... and may I say it, Frank...

...of you.

And she just walked out on you?

Mrs Brown, I'm sorry, you'll have to elaborate. I don't like mysteries.

It's not a mystery, it was just...

...a misunderstanding.

Mrs Levin, I was recommended to you by the mother of one of my son's school friends.

Mrs Rubens.

Oh, Mrs Rubens!

Such a nice woman. A lady.

And her husband a dentist. What a clever man.

I wouldn't put my teeth in anybody else's hands.

So... particulars, please.

- Well, the sort of girl I'm looking fo--- - If you don't mind...

...not about her - you.

I have to be very careful the sort of homes my Au pair girls go into.

What part, for instance, are you living?

Florian Avenue.

I know it.

Quite pleasant. Not marvellous, but if you're happy---

For myself, I prefer Loxley Way.

- Bedrooms? - Of course.

- How many? - Four.

Plus the girl's?

Including the girl's.

And her quarters are comfortable?

Oh, well, it's not exactly "quarters". A quarter.

A bedroom.

And, and we've only got one child, Richard. He's eleven, but...

- ...really no trouble. - Only one child?

Tell me, more you don't want or you can't manage?

We manage very nicely.

I have to ask - you must understand.

I do only a very superior type of girl from here.

It's a responsibility, the right homes for them.

Mrs Brown...

...if I was to tell you, you wouldn't believe.

If you knew the type of situation an Au pair girl can get herself into---

GO AWAY! GET AWAY!

NO!

Leave me alone!

Leave me! GET AWAY!

"Think dirty."

Not yet, Otto.

I'll tell you when, my beauty.

Back. Back.

To your quarters.

He's a brutish animal, my dear...

...but loyal. Come.

Come...

...you can make an old vampire very happy, my dear.

NO!

Ah! You find me repulsive, do you?

I've something here which'll soon make you change your mind.

One taste of this and you'll be panting for me touch.

McLaughlin's... the monster-sized family breakfast.

Mmmmm.

Bloody good!

Think that's all we need.

Hang on!

What d'you think you're doing?

I was just enjoying that.

Enjoying?

Don't be childish, Teddy!

Wh-what you mean, "childish"? He was just about---

It was just getting to the most exciting part.

Why can't the Committee go and watch it at your house?

I haven't got a set. Wouldn't have one of the damn things in the house.

None of us has. Quite apart from the moral dangers, we do feel that it, er...

...kills the art of conversation.

- Well, isn't that bloody marvellous, eh? - Teddy!

No, no. that's all right. Do converse, by all means.

I'll withdraw. Don't worry.

Excuse me, old chum.

Oh...!

Right, then. Maud - the usual letter to the Archbishop.

And this time, one to the Chief Rabbi, too.

Might as well conscript the Yids.

It shall be done, Colonel.

Arthur, Hetty - Director General of the BBC...

...Postmaster General, House of Lords.

- Mellish? - I'm onto it, old chum.

What's the emphasis, then?

- Sadism? - Outright sadistic ripping off of clothes...

...and exposing of flesh of a tied-up girl...

...struggling...

...quivering...

...helpless.

Oh, hello.

It's Mellish here.

Salacious what?

Oh.

Well, yes, yes - of course it's serious, yes.

No, no, no, don't worry.

I know the drill.

Oh, goodnight, goodnight.

Sorry about that, Elvira.

But my name's Rosie, Mr Trufitt.

Oh, shut up.

- You behaved disgustingly tonight. - Mmm-hmm.

- It was quite unforgiveable. - Good.

Everybody was extrememly embarrassed and upset.

The evening hasn't been a dead loss.

If films like that get an X-certificate at the cinema, how can they...

...possibly be shown on television, where there are children---

For God's sake, Liz.

They're just fairy tales. That's all horror films are.

Children love 'em.

I mean, it's like trying to censor Goldilocks.

Well...

...as it happens...

...Leonard and Maud did publish a book.

They called it "Revised Children's Stories".

- Taking the doubtful elements out. - Out of Goldilocks!?

I don't believe it!

- I love it! - It's all very well to sneer.

But when you think about Goldilocks...

...bed business... small girl...

- Small girl. - ...even the very word.

- "Bear". - "Bear"?

Bed. Small girl. Animals.

Small girl?

Bed?

Goldilocks.

Goldilocks!

"Goldilocks..."

"Goldilocks."

That's it! That's it! That's it! Ha, ha, ha! Goldilocks does it!

Oh, she doesn't.

Who's been eating my porridge?

Who's been sitting in my chair?

Who's been sleeping in my bed?

It's GOLDILOCKS!

That's it, Bernard, thank you.

Well, now...

...that's the synopsis Literary Department did for us on the basic Goldilocks plot.

I think it's lovely.

Um... sure.

Uh, however, Teddy here has had two psychiatrists and...

...four sexual researchers do a complete analysis on it.

According to them, Frank, the story's fundamentally... filthy.

Oh, no!

- I never realised. - Well, why do you think that fairytale's...

...been around so long, Frank? Goldilocks is a hit.

If you grub around in its erotic undertones.

I mean, those bears are as kinky as hell.

- Oh, they're not! - How about this for over-reaction.

Need any more convincing?

- I think we're on course! - You bet we are.

And every word of my research confirms it. Teddy typed it up.

Make something of Goldilocks, you're onto a sexual gold mine.

Brown.

All systems go.

Laughlin's Porridge one, take eighteen.

Action!

Who's been eating my porridge?

I 'ave, Goldilocks, an' it's great!

Cut it!

Well, what's the matter with that one?

Fought it seemed quite natural.

- Kill the red light. - What?

Get another two.

Get another two.

Who's been eating my porridge?

I have, Goldilocks, and it's great.

Cut!

What was wrong with that, sweet? Was I too butch?

- Two bells a moment, please. - Teddy...

...get another two.

Who's been eating my... porridge?

I have, Goldilocks.

And it's great. "Yes, bonnie girls and bonnie boys"...

..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."

Well, Mr McLaughlin?

Uh, if I may---

Let the wee fella tell me.

Sure. Well...

...you see, it's, ah...

...Make Porridge Sexy.

That, that's all.

That's all.

"Sexy".

Mah porridge!

Aye.

Sexy?!

These?

They're about as sexy as the Loch Ness Monster.

Wee man...

...I want a Goldilocks who's REAL sexy.

I want a lass that'll scorch the sporran off a dead Highlander.

Well, we could run a competition.

- Competition? - A competiton, yes.

- Yes, a nationwide competition! - Ah, ha, ha! Entry fee...

- ...one McLaughlin's box top. - Twa.

- Twa? - What?!

- Two. - I--- Oh, twa.

- Yes. - Are YOU the McLaughlin's Goldilocks girl?

We'll comb the whole of England. - Ah, ha, ha, ha!

- Yeah! - What is he thinking?

- United Kingdom. - The United Kingdom. Let me tell you what...

...in America, in America, it has to be oatmeal.

It'll never sell if it's not oatmeal in America.

- Please remember that. It's very important--- - You.

The wee one. Here.

- Go. - Ooh.

And mind, she's to be a bobby dazzler.

Tall.

Long legs.

Long, long legs.

Great, drowning eyes, a shine on her hair.

And bosoms...

...bosoms that our wee friend here could get buried in.

Inga Giltenburg of Stockholm.

From Mrs Levin.

"Giltenburg"?

"Giltenburg"...?

Mount Giltenburg.

Brown...

...I said it would be madness...

...to try to mount the Giltenburg by the north route.

Keep climbing, McLaughlin. But whatever you do...

...don't look down.

I can't hang on, Brown.

I'm slipping. Help!

Heeelp!!

Poor devil. Somehow, though, I think he'd like to have gone that way.

C'mon, man, climb!

CLIMB!

- Why did we do it, Brown? Why? - Why?

Why?!

- Why? - Aye, why?

Because... it was there!

Come in.

Come in.

I hope she'll work out.

Course she will. Why shouldn't she?

Well, she's not exactly... demure.

Hey, Dad - seen the new Au pair?

She's fantastic! What a dolly bird.

Richard, eat.

- Just wait till the Club hears about this! - Eat!

- It's porridge. - Yeah.

It's just porridge.

"Just porridge"...?

"Where is she?"

Yes, where is she?

Where's the lucky girl who's going to be McLaughlin's Miss Goldilocks?

Miss Goldilocks could be your wife...

...your sister, your daughter, your sweetheart...

...or even the girl next door.

As long as she's beautiful. Simply send us a photograph...

...along with two box tops from a packet of McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge...

...and help her win fame, fortune, the prizes of a lifetime.

Remember, McLaughlin's is searching for... Miss Goldilocks!

Ta, love.

Hey, look, you didn't mind me coming up here...

- ...to watch that...? - No, not at all.

Ta. Only I've got...

...Mellish's rat pack downstairs again in my living room.

Watching BBC Two.

Oh, God. They're still at it.

Sex in Samoa.

Well, Maud, what's the score?

Er, seventeen breasts.

- Seventeen? - Pairs, I mean.

- Eleven thighs. - Yes, yes.

Fourteen lower abdomens.

Six miscellaneous, and I couldn't keep track of the navels.

- I think there were about thirty. - Thirty-seven, to be exact.

It--- er, at a rough guess.

- Mellish? - Mmm.

Before I telephone I think there's something else we ought to discuss.

Our two delegates for the annual conference...

- ...this year. - Oh!

- Hear, hear! - Jolly good idea.

Would you like a Swedish chocolate?

Uh... n-n-no, no, thanks.

Delicioius.

- You do not like that one? - Oh, er---

No, no! No, it's lov--- lovely. It, it, it's a very good likeness.

I, I, I imagine.

- Ha, ha, I imagine it's a good likeness, ha, ha! - Is it because I am untired?

Uh, er... "un-attired".

Hmm. Only, erm, we don't go in much for that in England, you see.

Over here, erm, nudity...

...stands for, um...

...sex.

You mean here in England you stand for sex?

Yee--- nnuh--- well...

...ah-haah... n-not always.

The pleasures of disporting among the Swedish flora and fauna...

...have been extolled by every great Scandinavian poet...

...novelist, composer, and furniture designer.

Such household names as...

...Bjorn Bjornemann, Gunnar Nyhammer, Bengt Jensen and Ole Klink...

...and Karl Rutscheggrige-Gronedeljaegerenalospienbrockbandehorle the Younger.

All have sung praises to our verdant outdoors.

In this Sweden...

...untouched by war for centuries...

...we are rightly proud of our social services...

...our sexual freedom, our open sandwiches, and our suicide rate...

...which is the highest in the world.

Ooooh!

Well, that settles it, then.

And very satisfactorily, may I add.

Are you sure there'll be no objections from old chum?

Oh, I don't see why.

Harrogate? What do you mean, Harrogate?

What does anybody mean? A small Yorkshire inland resort.

Famed for its mineral waters...

- ...two hundred miles from London. - Don't be cute, Liz.

Don't be cute.

I'm not having you traipsing two hundred miles on your own with that...

...sex-mad monk! - Geoffrey is neither sex-mad...

...nor a monk. It is only a three-day conference.

Richard'll be away sailing, and Inga can look after you...

...SO WHY ON EARTH SHOULDN'T I GO?!

Because... because...

...I think you're getting in too deep with that society.

They're all raving mad if you ask me.

Ah, THEY'RE raving mad!

- RAVING MAD! - I think Arthur and Hetty...

...are about the most contented and affectionate pair I've ever met...

...and if only more married couples were like that---

They're BROTHER AND SISTER.

She's MISS Soames.

Look at your petition, go on.

- Oh. - Oh.

Oh, Liz---

Oh, look.

Do you have to go, Liz?

I mean, it's been weeks since we...

...since you and I, er---

Look, do you realise all we do when we go to bed, is go to sleep?

I, I don't want to sleep with my wife. I want to sleeeep with her.

- Teddy, it's not because I--- - Oh, I know, I know.

Sorry, love. I'm sorry. It's not been easy for me, either.

At the office.

Having trouble with Golidlocks.

Goldilocks?

Who's she?

Oh, it's some idea I got from that nutty children's book...

...that Leonard and Maud wrote.

- I mean, it's a sitting duck, I couldn't--- - You mean you--- Oh!

- Of all the... - Of all the what?

- ...rotten things! - What?

- Now what will Geoffrey think? - I don't care.

- And what will Leonard and Maud think? - I don't give a monkey's.

- I don't give a monkey's! - OH, EYEBALLS!

- OH, NUN'S KNICKERS! - Oh, that's nice. That's personal.

- And the greengrocer's delivering this afternoon. - Yes, I know.

- You've already told me. - And don't let Inga let the boiler go out.

- I won't let Inga let the boiler go out. - And if anything...

...comes up, you can get me at--- What's the name of the hotel, Geoffrey?

I've, er, booked us in at the Temperance.

- The Temperance. - Yes, I heard.

Without surprise.

We'll be up that M1 in well under two hours.

She cruises at eighty, and loves it!

[Does she?

- So not to worry, old chum. - Thanks...

...old chum.

Just keep your grimy hands on the wheel...

...old chum.

Bye, darling. There's some cold chicken in the fridge.

Bye!

Yeah... I know just how it feels.

Hmmph.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just, er... finding it a bit difficult to concentrate on, er...

...porridge.

I thought you perhaps might like some.

Er, very kind of you.

- How many? - Two.

Er--- no, I mean, I don't--- I mean...

...hah! I d--- I don't take any, thank you very much.

- Am I disturbing you? - Huh?! Oh, no, no-err...!

Oh, no, of course you're not...

...disturbing me.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Inga?

Erm... what are you doing tonight?

- Very nice. - What?

- It's very nice. - Yeah.

Great place.

Very groovy people. You get a lot of showbusiness people here.

You know, writers, photographers, actors.

Saw the show, baby. Loved it!

LOVED it!

Arthur?

Er, we'll have our usual.

- What? - My name is Mario, sir.

Arthur is my brother.

And I don't know what your usual is.

My usual's away in Harrogate.

Well, we'll have oysters.

Two dozen.

Each.

Teddy...?

- Yeah? - Are you sure Mrs Brown will not mind?

Geoffrey...?

- Mmm? - Could you go a bit slower?

I get... car-sick.

Geoffrey...

...I want to go home.

Home?

- We're nearly there. - I want to go home!

Now, I just might... mmm... yes, all right.

He-he-hey!

Teddy!

- Nat! - Teddy!

- Nat. - Hey, Teh-Dee!

Ha, hah!

- Hello, Teddy! - Nat!

Ahh, hah!

- How ya doin', kid? - Great. Lovely to see you.

Now, look, erm, Nat, do you know Inga?

Inga - Nat Kaplan.

- Nat Kaplan, Inga. - Delighted to meet you, Mr Kaplan.

Ah, course you are, honey. Everybody is.

Oh, uh... heel.

- She is a... wonderful person. - Yeah.

I'm sure she is. Now, well, look, Nat...

...GREAT seeing you. Y'know...

...GREAT! But, er, Inga and I...

- ...we're just going. - SURE you're just going.

We're ALL going!

Everywhere!

The Poco Poco Club.

The Afro Dizziac.

Lulu Lorraine's.

Where to now?

One-fifteen Florian Avenue.

Hey!

- I know that. - You ought to, it's your house.

What?

Has anybody seen a bottle-opener?

Has anybody seen a bottle-opener?

I'm looking for a bottle-opener. Have you seen a bottle-opener around?

No, man.

'Scuse me. Er, can I borrow your beer?

Say, kids, I have this dirty joke I wanna tell...

...so, uh, which one of you is the fella?

Honey, have you heard the one about the rabbi and the priest...

...and the male nurse, who were stranded on this tropical isle?

Isn't it dangerous?

Not when you know how.

Say "when".

When.

Have you heard the one...

...about the rabbi and the priest and the tropic isle...

...who are all stranded on this male nurse?

Ice, anybody?

Come here, shorty. There's a priest and a rabbi...

...and a male nurse, and they're trapped on this tropic island---

C'mon, you dummy!

There ya go! He-he-hey!

- Would you like a lift? - No, thank you, Vicar.

I'm in a hurry.

There you go, girl.

Say...

...have you ever heard the one about the rabbi...

...and the priest...

...and the male nurse, who are stranded on this tropic island.

Hmm?

Did you?

Oh...!

Damn!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Teddy.

Teddy.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, what are you doing?

I can't breathe down here!

- I--- erm... - Agh, you--- What are you doing?!

So? Perfect nobody is.

She was IN BED with my husband!

Look, for thirty shillings a week and all found...

...you can't expect Mary Poppins.

Someone should report her to the authorities as an UNdesirable alien.

"Alien" maybe, but "undesirable" it doesn't sound like.

My husband was too drunk to know what was happening.

- He's not used to drinking. - I don't like the sound of...

...what he IS used to.

Mrs Levin. If I have decided to accept my husband's explanation...

...the one thing I do NOT need is anyone undermining it.

He personally sent her packing.

So all I want from you is a replacement.

Oh?

Of course you do.

And what's more, a replacement that won't turn out to be a repetition of---

Oh, Mrs Brown.

I've got for you here a girl that's like the answer to a prayer.

Whose prayer?

That you don't have to worry. When I tell you...

...that in her last situation she broke the husband's arm in four places.

That sounds perfect.

Mum! They've landed!

Mrs Brown?

Lotte Von Gelbstein.

Oh. Hello.

Er, come in.

Er, you must forgive Richard. He thinks you're from Mars.

No. Hamburg.

Oh, I see - is a joke.

Would you like some tea?

No, coffee, please.

- Do you mind instant? No. I like instant.

06:00 every morning, I rise.

And work will begin at 06:30.

I will not disturb you...

...but will carry out my duties until midday.

Hello, dependants...

- However--- - ...I'm home. I---

Good evening.

- Herr Brown? Lotte Von Gelbstein. - Yes.

That's nice.

I am outlining my work system.

Er, Lotte's our new Au pair.

Oh... good.

- Please sit. - Thank you.

- Dad, at school today--- - I am outlining my work system.

From midday every afternoon I sleep for four hours.

That sleep I MUST have.

It is a rule.

- Is understood? - Sieg Heil.

Then everything is tickety-boo.

Tickety-boo.

I will wash my hands.

Ah, yes, Richard, will you show Herr---

Miss, um... the young... lady... to the ablutions.

Yes, Dad. It's this way.

So, er... that's what happened to Martin Bormann.

I wouldn't advise trying anything with her.

Wi--- wi--- with...? You... you must be joking!

Oh, look, Liz, look, look, I explained.

I apologised. You said you understood.

I did.

- Wh-- wh--- what's that, then? - What's what?

What--- what's---

- You said it was forgiven and forgotten! - Why are you shouting?

Because when you forgive and forget...

...you won't let anyone forget you've forgiven and forgotten!

Oh, Liz, look, give it a rest.

Dad, where did Inga go to?

Back to Stockholm.

I bought her ticket myself.

Satisfied?

What shall I wear this evening?

Come in, Number Seven: Miss Romaine Dupree.

Thank you, Romaine.

Well, Romaine - nearly Miss Tulip last year, is that right?

- Yes. - Ah. Tell me, what are your hobbies?

- Hi, Teddy. - Hello, Nat.

And how is the lovely Mrs Brown?

Ae we still in the doghouse?

The, er, competition's going well, Nat.

Oh, fine.

Great girls, all hand-picked...

...with these very hands.

You help your mother in the home. Well, that's really commendable...

...isn't it, folks? Give her a big hand.

And tell me, what's your ambition?

I'd like to be an all-round entertainer.

Well, good luck and thank you, Miss Romaine Dupree.

And you'll remember that one of the girls appearing this evening...

...will become Miss Goldilocks.

Her prizes will include one year's supply of McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge...

...a mini-moke...

...a kilt in the tartan of her choice...

...a thousand pounds in cash...

...and the dream holiday of a lifetime for two...

...at Tossa Del Mar in Rabjohn's Holiday Huts.

My word. Who's gonna be the lucky girl?

Will it be one of the lovelies you've met already?

Or the next contestant, whose photo was sent in...

...by one of you Frozen Porridge lovers of Britain?

Come in, Number Eight: an ex-Au pair girl from London...

...Miss Inga Giltenburg!

- Please let me in? - Go away.

It, it's inconvenient.

Please let me in.

No.

Well, can't you just open the door for a second?

All right.

But only a few inches.

Nat.

Liz's thrown me out. I've got nowhere to sleep.

Aw, that's tough.

But remember Teddy, there's millions of homeless people in this world...

...and my heart bleeds for them, but right now...

...I don't want any of them in here.

Who's at the door, Nat?

Oh, it's you, Teddy!

All right, so come in.

So, er, what's the, er...?

- Oh, she's er--- - I won! I won it!

I'm Miss Goldilocks, I won the competition!

That, that, that's all I need, Nat. I mean, that puts the tin hat on it, now.

Don't look at me, you're the one who sent the picture in.

I didn't send any picture in, Nat.

I wouldn't do a thing like that.

You did do send in her picture, I saw it among the bunch...

...and I figured you wanted to give the kid a break.

And now... I'm giving her another break.

Beats a year's supply of porridge, huh, baby?

Right, you ought to be comfortable enough here, Teddy, so---

Thanks, Nat.

We'll be in there if you need anything.

Oh, Teddy, do me a favour? Don't need anything.

Tell me more about this Goldilocks business.

It was so rotten.

Even when I'd told him how shabby it was, he...

...he's been busy with this for weeks.

Oh.

I have packed them all. All his possessions.

We can throw them out in the morning.

- Oh, no. - For what you need him?

We women must be strong!

I can do the man's work in the house.

Chop wood, drive the car.

For money, I can go back to my old job.

- Your old...? - In Hamburg...

...I used to wrestle in mud.

Oh.

Well, there's not much call for that around here.

- No, honestly, I don't think--- - Together we can make...

...a new life.

Liz.

Liz, this work of his is the most diabolical... I mean, I hadn't realised the enormity of it!

Well, it's something to do with porridge.

The sooner the Society has sight of this, the better.

Oh, no, wait a minute, they're Teddy's - they're private.

- We can't just--- - The moment comes...

...the moment comes for all of us when we have to...

...choose our...

...our priorities.

Er, can't we just ask him first?

Please?

I mean, just put it to him.

There's no answer.

Well, he said he was going to be there.

Hello? Who?

Yes, but he's asleep.

This is Inga.

Inga Giltenburg.

Hello? Hello?

I was once stuck in a lift.

- Daddy, you never told me. - What a well-appointed situation.

Expensive but tasteful.

You made the right choice, Liz.

I'm proud of you.

We have an appointment with Wallace Trufitt, MP.

Who shall I say, sir?

Belper - England Clean, England Strong crusade.

Ahhh!

The time has come, Trufitt, for action.

As our MP, I want you to ask a question in the House.

Certainly.

About anything in particular?

This has come into our possession.

It belonged to Mrs Brown's husband.

It is a document which describes the practice of sexual titillation...

...in advertising.

It's all here; facts, figures---

- Photos...? - No photos.

It's a complete analysis of the...

...subliminal sexual techniques used to sell McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge.

- May I use the little girls' room? - Please do. It's through that door.

And to the left.

Not that one!

Oh... more evidence...

- ...much more evidence. - Let me help you.

Yes, well... I expect you're all wondering...

...how such DISGUSTING things as these could possibly have come into my possession.

Well, er, as a matter of fact, I, er---

Now, where were we?

We were talking about cleaning up advertising.

We want an inquiry.

We want these advertisements banned...

...that porridge thrown off the market!

There's such a funny mirror in the bathroom.

You can see right through it...

- ...into the bedroom! - Yes, yes, you can.

This used to be a nursing home, you know?

Well, now, if that dossier contains the information that you say it does...

...well, it is dynamite.

In fact, it is better than dynamite.

It's news!

Front page of every newspaper in the country. Complete national coverage.

Mr McLaughlin...

...I feel I owe you an apology.

For what?

Our wee miracle-worker.

Ah, come on, Teddy.

Getting the product unpaid publicity...

...on the front page of every newspaper in the country would've been enough.

- But this, kid - they wanna have it banned! - That's an advertising first!

Beautiful.

Beauty - the only word for it.

Don't you know what happens to a book they wanna have banned?

A film? It's blockbuster time, baby!

- The sales go up like rockets! - By this time next week...

...Quaker Oats will be turning that factory into a bowling alley.

The pupil has become the master.

It wasn't me - it was the England Clean, England Strong Society.

Teddy... you didn't know?

Didn't know... what?

Where that society gets its funds?

It's endowed by the McLaughlin Foundation.

Mah Foundation contributes to every socially uplifting organisation.

Hello? Oh, yes, he is. Frank.

- BBC. - BBC!

- They're potty. - "Hello, Mr Chandler?"

"My name's Tolworth."

I'm sort of, erm, producer on the "Confrontation" programme.

Ah, you don't know me but I expect you've heard of...

- ...Joanna Snow. - Yes, of course I know Joanna Snow.

It's a bleedin' nuthouse.

Well, Joanna would love you to appear on her programme this evening.

- Tonight? - "Mmm, yes."

"I think what she had in mind, really, was"...

...your group in sort of open confrontation, really, with a...

...group from the England Clean, England Strong Society.

We'll be there. Can't wait!

The delegation will consist of you...

...you, myself and, of course, the first begetter of it all---

MAD! MAD! The whole lot of you! You ought to be in an asylum!

Where is she?

- Where's Liz? - Go away. You are not wanted here.

We haff vays of making you talk!

- Where is she? - Sh-she left.

- For the Underground. - Which one?

I have friends in ze underground.

Which one?

Liz!

LIZ!!!

- I've gotta talk to you, love. - I'm going to my solicitor.

Solicitor?

- To see about a divorce. - Oh, Liz.

- I've taken advice. - Who from? That sour kraut?

- Miss "Tomorrow the World"? - Geoffrey.

Oh, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey says there comes a moment in everyone's life, when---

- There certainly does! - Ooow!

Come on, Liz.

Just come on.

Get in there! Don't argue with me.

Don't argue!

It won't do any good. I've made up my mind.

You have?! You mean, that lousy Geoffrey has.

I'll fix that bloody vicar!

- You were the one that started it all! - It wasn't...

...me, it was you with all that hoo-hah with Richard's knickers.

This goes deeper than Richard's knickers.

It's you - you're sex-mad!

ME?! I haven't had sex for months!

What d'you think they're advertising?

Dunno. Must be new stuff they're putting in the toothpaste.

Greetings.

And, tonight, Confrontation will be discussing...

...racial discrimination among unmarried mothers.

Thursday's outbreak of violence at the National Bowls Championship.

But first, today's headlines.

The dispute on sex in television commercials...

...and the remarkable charges brought by the England Clean, England Strong Society.

Stand by, Two.

And now, to open the batting...

- ...Reverend Mellish. - On you , Two.

Look, let's not make a big thing of this.

All we're suggesting - all we're hinting...

...is that there's already too much filthy, sex-obsessed sewage muck on TV.

And why should it be thrust at us in the commercials as well?

Oh, come, now - that's simply discrimination.

Balderdash! It's time that sex was put back where it belongs...

...in the bedrooms of prostitutes and decently married couples.

TEDDY, STILL ON LOUDSPEAKER: All I want is my normal quota!

I mean, is that too much to ask, just my normal quota of sex?

I mean, that's all any man wants.

Just a normal sex life.

Speak for yourself, darlin'.

Well, would you think it right to represent...

...actual intercourse in a commercial?

Yes, would you?

I think there should be no copulation without representation.

I go along with that.

It's not me, it's your lot.

You're pre-occupied with sex!

Every night, sitting around the telly...

...totting up the tits and bums.

I am entirely against censorship.

I uphold the right of the artist...

...to express freely whatever he wants to, providing...

...he does not put it in a television show or a film or a play, or anywhere...

...where the public can see it.

And as for that Au pair girl...

...don't think I don't know what went on with you and her in that flat.

Call that a normal quota?

Follow that toothpaste tube!

Right in one's living room...

...men and women in bed, shoulders being stroked...

...noses burrowing into each other's necks...

...sometimes you can't work out where the man ends and the woman begins!

It's not exactly incandescent, is it?

Do you find it incandescent?

Aahh!

Sorry sir. No admittance to Studio unless you're taking part in a production.

Uh... well, I am taking part in the production.

What as?

None of us wants to inhibit freedom of expression.

It's just a question of priorities.

OH! Oh, leave me alone, you--- Take the van!

Here...?

You a bishop?

Well, who do you think I am with this, then? Bloody Bo Peep?

- 'Ere - hold on! - Course I'm a bishop, you twit!

Ooaaarh!

Bless you, my son.

And what is the most important thing today?

Well, to my mind, it's the home.

The sacred and inviolable institution of marriage.

You lying bastard!

You two-face berk!

All you wanna do is get your sweaty hands on my wife!

You don't give a monkey's about breaking up people's homes.

With my rod and staff I shall comfort you, mate!

Oww!

No!

This seems a LITTLE lively. Stay on the bishop, Four.

You git!

Anyone know which bishop it is?

Er, can we super an attachment showing his... diocese?

Kill him, Geoff!!

Oh, nice.

Oh, you stinker!

You bitch! You bitch!

Silly old clot!

Nat! For God's sake, do something.

- For heaven's sake, look--- - Get off!!

Aaagh---

And turning to you, Mr Kaplan, what are your views on violence?

Listen, I'm an American. I don't belong in this war.

Change lens, Three.

MELLISH!

D'you know, this is beginning to take on the quality of real television debate.

I'm coming for you, Mellish!

I'll have you!

You slimy Ba---

All right, Vicar?

- Look, don't--- Look, please...! - Now turn the other cheek, mate.

AGH! Ooh!

Teddy!

- Teddy! - Er, pardon me.

- I'm looking for my husband.

- Do you know Nat Kaplan? - Why, most certainly.

Teddy!

Hello...

...Nat.

What is this?

Come back down here, ye bobby dazzler, and I'll whisper.

Teddy, you'll kill yourself!

Teddy!

- Elvira? - Wallace.

Jack, as a matter of fact.

Where d'you think you're goin', an' what're we gonna call this?

Teddy!

Oh, Teddy!

Right.

Right! Trapped!

Trapped!

TRAPPED!

HA, HA, HA! Ha... ah...

...er---

Mellish?

Mellish?

Mellish?

Mellish?

Mellish!

I know you're in here somewhere.

AH!

Ahh-haa-haah...!

Mellish!

Mellish?

Mellish...?

Mellish...?

Oh!

UGH!

Yeaahh!

Oooh!

Ah, hah, hah, hah!

Hmm?

Ha-haaahh!

YEEAAAAARH!

Agh!

Oop!

Yeuuuurrgh-ooow!

Missed!

Never touched me!

Mellish!

Yeuuh...!

Mellish!

You conduct went far beyond the bounds of civilised behaviour.

Your Worship, this is not, whatever might at first appear...

...your ordinary run-of-the-mill brawl between a clergyman...

...and an advertising practitioner, disguised as an archbishop...

...in a television studio.

No. My client claims that the plaintiff...

...was responsible for his wife starting divorce proceedings.

No! He wasn't responsible.

Well, it wasn't me, darling.

Kindly address your remarks to the court.

It wasn't me, darling.

Then who was responsible?

That Swedish slag!

Mmm. I have, er... evidence of...

...Scottish porridge, but, erm... Swedish slag...?

HER!

She is responsible. She spent the night with him in Kaplan's flat.

But nothing happened with Mr Brown that night - I swear it didn't.

It was Mr Kaplan I was in bed with.

See, in England, "in bed with" means, um, it means, um---

It don't mean "gardening", buster!

No, I still don't seem to have any documents on slag.

If nothing happened, how come you were in the Miss Goldilocks competition...

...when my husband said he'd bought your plane ticket to Stockholm?

Sir! Sir!

Please, sir - can I say something?

The child of the union, sir.

Oh. Oh, yes - by all means.

Please, sir - I entered Inga.

You entered Inga?!

- How old is this child? - Your Worship...

...I think I can explain.

On second thoughts, I...

...don't think I can explain.

For the competition. I felt I owed her something...

- ...because of her knickers. - Knickers?

I seem to have a peculiarly inadequate briefing on this particular, erm...

...um, Mr Slocombe - do knickers constitute an exhibit?

Not to my knowledge, Your Worship.

Of course... I could ask the young person to favour Your Worship with a, er...

- ...glimpse of the, er--- - Oh, no, no, Mr Slocombe.

The more I hear of this case...

...the more certain I become that restraint is necessary on all sides.

Rarely - to the best of my belief - have I been subjected to such a catalogue of...

...violence and licentiousness.

For the Crown---