Original subtitles

Some people would thank the colleague

that drove them to work.

You were in a confined area with Vic? I'm sorry.

My car's still in the shop,

but he made me ride in the back seat.

Mariah rides shotty

-because she doesn't complain. -Mariah

is a blow-up doll.

HOV companion.

GREGG: Shh.

Do you guys hear that?

The distant roar

of a 12-ton 7.6 liter diesel engine?

-I don't hear anything. -Quiet.

There it is. That hiss.

Maybe Mariah blew a patch.

-No, she... No. -GREGG: Compressed air

from a split-panel folding door.

Windows that

don't retract fully.

Paint. Industrial yellow.

You can tell all of that from a sound?

I can tell all of that from a nightmare.

Are we standing?

Hormones.

Acne medication.

(sniffs) Victoria's Secret's "Love Spell."

Happy Teen Outreach Day!

-Oh, my God, slay. -You ate.

I knew it.

High schoolers.

* *

As you all know from my email,

which, by looking at

your faces, you did not read, today is

Teen Outreach Day!

Goals:

Get teens driving and drum up

good press for our branch.

This takes me back to my days as a teacher.

-Aw. -No "aw."

I break out into hives whenever I hear a backpack unzip.

Do you know how bad

a job it must have been for the DMV

to be an upgrade?

Barb, did you bring this pimple parade in here?

I'm gonna be photoshopping all day.

I turned the parking lot into a driving course.

You guys, I'm so excited.

Today's gonna slap.

-(exclaims) -NOA: Hey, what-what are

these cards? "Yeet, bet, no cap?"

Handy teen slang translators.

(groans)

Gregg, don't be mid.

I don't need those RN. I got, like, a dozen baby cousins

who are constantly texting me.

They're, like, obsessed.

It's low-key sad.

Low-key. "Sort of," "secretly." These are great.

Thanks, Barb.

-So dusty. -"Dusty."

Aw... Oh, no, that's not nice.

I want everybody in slay mode.

W's only today, no crap. Cap!

Well, I'm gonna file a complaint with HR

if anyone calls me "bestie."

What if call you "testy?"

(chuckles) Yeah, that's all right.

(grunting)

What are you doing?

Trying to throw out my back so Barb will send me home.

(groans) Gregg, you're being ridic...

Wait... so chopped. Oh, no, that's wrong.

I'm not spending a whole day with a bunch of teenagers.

Come on,

if anyone should be doing

road tests today, it's you.

-(groans) -I bet you were a great teacher.

What did your students used to call you-- Mr. Mosley?

Mr. Gregg? Mr. M?

(gasps) Busted. It's Mr. M.

-And do not call me that. -Why don't you

ever talk about teaching? Did something bad happen?

Did you have an affair with the principal?

Did you go on your Ben Franklin rant?

No, and stop asking.

Only if you agree to take at least

one road test today, Mr. M.

-Fine. I'll do one test. -(gasps)

Did you wear the wrong pants to school

and then everyone made a really mean nickname

and then you had to withdrawal from the school altogether?

Dude, I just saw my son.

I'm sorry, what?

My son.

He must go to East Hollywood Magnet.

Mate, you don't have a son.

That's what I thought until now.

See, there's a sperm bank nearby,

and 17 years ago,

I dropped off a little "donaish."

So-so, you, you donated?

-Mm-hmm. -And they accepted it?

Many times. And then, in comes these kids today

and there's one that looks exactly like me.

(sighs)

There he is.

Him?

I don't think that's your son.

(grunts)

Whoo!

Huh.

Is this the "locaish" for the "examinaish?"

Vic, I think you're right.

Someone used your sperm for "inseminaish."

Oh, my God.

-There's two of you. -Yeah.

CECI: Excuse me, what are you doing?

Uh, I told Sacramento Sally about Teen Outreach Day

and she said if we give her a 20-second clip,

she'll put it on DMV-TV L.A.

DMV-TV is so lame.

Nobody cares about the history of asphalt

or that silly little game show

where you have to name road signs.

Oh, Win, Lose or Yield?

I love that show.

The host is a traffic cone.

Only idiots watch DMV-TV.

I heard that Ray Henderson, director of the California DMV,

watches all the time.

Mm-hmm.

The point is, this is a huge

opportunity for us. I already

shot a bunch of footage.

I just need my lead actor. My star.

Star?

Oh, my God. Barb. Hello?

I have

so much on-camera experience.

(laughs)

I was a baby model.

Do you remember that cereal commercial

but the baby was slightly too hot for a baby?

That was me.

Okay, you're hired.

Aah! Really?

But it's only one line.

One line?

But tons of action.

How do you feel about doing your own stunts?

Are you comfortable with a small, minor explosion

behind your head? (imitates explosions)

My whole vibe is small explosions.

Okay, AJ, a few rules before we begin.

No phones, no dabbing,

no live-streaming your "driver era."

"Oh, but my followers need content."

This isn't content. Am I clear?

Whatever.

Great. I love your enthusiasm.

I'm gonna play some driving music.

Do you have any preferences?

I don't care what we listen to.

What?

A teen without ridiculously strong opinions on music?

Oh, I get it. You just read

Sartre in your English class and now you're trying on apathy.

Bro, I barely read my texts.

Okay.

Well, skip the music

and just start the test whenever you're ready.

-(sighs) -(engine starts)

Okay, stop right there.

You forgot to do the pre-drive safety check.

That's an automatic fail.

This is where you're supposed to beg me

to give you another chance because you're supposed

to pick up your crew from the Taco Bell.

A-a crew? No thanks.

Ah, yeah. You're a loner.

Zoom school got you scarred

and now you're hiding behind Fortnite.

Not into video games.

Not into video games, not into music.

You don't care if you fail.

Do you care about anything?

Nah.

"Nah?"

Nobody "nah's" me.

I invented "nah."

COLETTE: Oh, Greggles,

how was the road test?

Did you get the closure you needed

about your teaching past

when your most promising student let you down by...

You know what, it's not my place.

(gasps) Trading his textbooks for the heroin spoon?

Not ready to share. Got it.

-That test was bizarre. -Mm?

I've come across all kind of kids.

Jerks, slackers, druggies,

class clowns, teacher's pets.

Oh, no, no. We're called "try-hards."

There was something about this kid.

-He didn't care about anything. -Yeah,

but that's every teenager.

No, but this kid is different.

I failed him,

he didn't

flinch. He just stared off into space.

Pure apathy.

I've never met anyone like that before.

Um, have you met you?

I know what this is. I think...

I think you see yourself in him.

Yeah, sure, if AJ was my age,

I would love to grab a beer

and dead-eye a wall until the bar closed.

-That is so sweet. -I didn't stop caring

until I was much older.

Sixteen is way too young to be that disillusioned.

-Caught it. -What?

The sparkle in your eye.

You're just

itching to get back in the game, to shape

and inspire a young mind.

Please. I'm done with that life.

And also, I'll never see that kid again.

Totally.

I see those wheels turning. You better park it.

Totally.

AUTOMATED VOICE: D-40 at...

NIC: Would you take a look in this?

Look right there. Right in there, I think I s...

-Oh! (laughs) -(exclaims)

Splash! Literally.

Kid's a genius.

I'm gonna take him

on a driving test, see if I can find out if he's mine.

NOA: Yeah, well, he looks like you, he dresses

like you, and he's a bully who doesn't read the room.

Yeah, but still...

I got a feeling.

BARB: Last night,

I binged Scorsese's MasterClass on filmmaking.

-It's all about framing. -CECI: Okay, Barb,

come on. Can we just shoot this thing? I think we're good.

Let's not let good be the enemy of perfect, okay?

Good is the enemy of perfect.

That's why everyone who's a seven hates me.

All right, kids, once you see

the camera push in, I want you all

to gather behind Ceci. It's gonna be a oner

like the Copacabana entrance in Goodfellas.

Pretties in the front, braces in the back.

Let's go.

And no touching the talent.

And action.

Hello.

-Before we start... -Mm-hmm?

full "disclosh." I got E.D.

Energy drink.

Same, dawg. Same.

Love me some E.D.

-Whoo! Yeah! -All right.

So, Nictor, uh--

You can just, uh, call me Nic.

Oh, I'm Vic.

Short for Vicolas.

Ah.

So, uh, uh, before we get going,

just a few standard Qs.

What's up with your mom?

My moms?

Did you... did you just say "moms," plural?

Yeah.

I got two of 'em.

And before you ask,

-they're both hot. -Oh...

Wait, are these questions, like, uh, part of the test?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Family history

-affects driving, -Right.

and so I'm gonna-I'm gonna get it all down here.

Two smokeshow mommies.

Hey, I got a question.

Yeah?

Favorite movie on three. One, two, three.

BOTH: Trick question, not a movie. Entourage

season three?

BOTH: Whoa!

Dude, you passed.

Flying colors.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

Yeah, dawg!

(grunts)

I haven't even started driving yet, though.

You passed something far more important, son.

I mean little Vic...

Nic.

(chuckles)

Oh, Mr. M, AJ wants to talk to you.

Uh, you pulled me off the bus

and said I forgot to sign something.

Oh, well, doesn't matter how we got here.

The point is you're here now,

and you thought you'd never

see him again, but here he is.

A-a soft mind,

ripe for molding.

-What's happening? -I'm sorry,

my colleague is addicted to helping people,

especially those who don't ask for it.

I think you like helping people, too.

It's just that you need a little nudge.

(bus departing)

Oh, welp,

there goes my bus.

Yeah, look at that, Colette.

AJ missed his ride.

I can take the public bus.

Oh, no. Colette can take you home.

She got you into this mess.

I'd love to, but if you remember,

my car's in the shop.

Okay, fine, I'll drive you home.

I'm coming with. I'm not gonna miss Mr. M in action.

Wonderful. There's nothing I love more

than having an audience during gridlock.

Two moms, no dad. Enter Papa Vic.

Papa Vic?

-Yeah. -That's quite...

Awesome, I know.

So, I just need his phone number

so I can contact his moms.

Can you hack into the database and snag

-that for me? -Dude, I... I don't think

you want to ambush them like that.

They got the product,

why wouldn't they want to meet the factory?

Can-can you just, like, call the sperm bank?

That's a great idea.

Okay. -Gosh, I used to

go there several times a week.

-I don't want to hear any more. -Yeah.

They let me pick out my own magazines.

-Yeah, that's why. Please don't. -I had some faves.

BARB: And... action.

East Hollywood DMV held its first ever

Teen Outreach Day, where we supported local teens

on their journey to becoming licensed drivers.

Okay, great warmup.

Let's do it again, real deal.

Real deal? Barb, that was the real deal.

You weren't recording?

And action!

East Hollywood DMV held its

-first... -Cut.

I'm not hearing "Hollywood."

-(clears throat) -Action.

East Hollywood DMV held its first ev...

-Oh, cut. -Mm.

Sorry, that's on me.

Technical problem. Finger in the frame.

Action.

East Hollywood DMV

-held its first ever T... -Cut.

-Throw it away more. -What does that even mean, Barb?

What does that even mean, "throw it away more?"

And smash to talent getting difficult.

Difficult? Me? You think I'm being difficult?

Barb, I've been standing here for hours,

waiting to say this dumb little line.

-Are you kidding me? -I have a vision!

Oh, well, you know what? Good luck with your vision,

because I quit!

Well, good luck to you!

'Cause you'll never work at the DMV again!

For in-house promotional videos, I mean.

Your regular job is totally safe.

So, AJ, are you going to retest?

Nah.

COLETTE: Why not? Relying on others

for rides is very annoying. Just this morning,

my driver tried to fart the National Anthem.

He made it to "rocket's red glare."

M-My parents made me get my permit.

And then school forced me to come

as part of this stupid day.

I never cared about it.

You never cared, huh? Hmm.

(engine starts)

Well, if

Mr. M won't step in,

can I ask, is there trouble at home?

Have you been getting enough sleep, AJ?

I-I love that you think some rando driving examiner's

gonna be the one to get through to me.

Actually, Mr. M here used to be a teacher.

Sorry, rando driving examiner

and a failed teacher. No offense.

Offense taken.

Colette, buckle up.

Gregg, what is happening?

(exclaims)

GREGG: It's time for a lesson.

* *

(Gregg chuckles)

Since you don't care about music,

I'm gonna play something that I like.

("Burning Down the House" by Talking Heads plays)

-* Watch out... * -GREGG: When I was your age,

driving represented freedom.

* Cool babies... *

Get in my car, get the wind in my face,

kicking out some kick-ass tunes. (chuckles)

I could go anywhere.

Felt like I was alive.

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.

You are too young to be so jaded.

You got to earn that. You have to care now

so you can really not care later.

Not loving this message or the driving.

GREGG: Trust me, you need

to build a deep, bitter well

of small defeats.

Like walking into the store and seeing someone

grab the last bag of potato chips.

Should not have let AJ sit up front.

Or finally finding a pair of sneakers that you really love,

but the 11 is too big

and the ten and a half is too small.

And then there's the big ones.

Taxes, marriage,

realizing that your dream job

is a nightmare,

and that cilantro is in everything.

But you know what,

you can't cheat it, kid.

You got to get your license.

You got to get out there, experience the world so you can

find out firsthand

just how disappointing life can be.

Because the worst thing that you can do

at your age is

sit back

and drift.

So...

can you, like, take me home now?

Sure.

(groans) What do you want?

I got you something.

Look, I wanted to apologize for using you as a prop

in my pursuit of DMV glory.

Honestly, it's okay.

I'm too iconic for

closed-circuit television anyway.

I just don't get why you went all crazy

and made everything so complicated.

Because I thought if we got a good spot on DMV-TV,

it would give us a leg up and

I could help save us from getting shut down.

Barb, you save us every day

by being such a great manager. I mean,

think about how many teens got their licenses today.

Just promise to never yell "action" at me again.

I mean never.

-I will not. -And this is my mug.

You literally took it off my desk.

Where I'm from, we never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Yeah, you never look a horse in the mouth.

They bite. That's why my cousin has that weird hand.

Well, Nictor is not my son.

Guess you wanted to be a dad, huh?

I wanted someone to want my sperm.

Hey, I'm sure

-somebody wanted it. -No.

The bank said not a single vial has ever been bought.

How is that even possible?

My donor profile

-is so sick. -Mm.

Oh.

Okay. Wow. "Hobbies include

"lifting and feeding my pet snake,

who gets me." (clears throat)

He does.

(sighs) I'm sorry, man.

It's not my fault people are idiots.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what?

I-I think I see

what the problem is here. Like, your profile--

it's just a little outdated.

Like, it hasn't changed in years, right? But you have.

Yeah, you're right. I have grown.

-Mm. -Mainly in

my trapezius and upper glutes.

Right. So, maybe if we spiff this up,

it could get some more traction, yeah?

Uh, okay.

Obsessed with me much?

(laughs) Great. Um, where do we start?

Uh, how about physical description?

Where it says eye color, you wrote...

Bronze.

But, um, your eyes--

they're-they're brown, mate.

So, why don't we just say brown?

Dark gold.

I'm just gonna write "brown."

*

GREGG: Whatever it is, just get it out.

I just want to apologize for that whole mess

with AJ, and dragging you into it.

And for throwing up in your car.

You're paying for the detailing.

Absolutely.

I never should have tried to bring back Mr. M.

But you did say it was your dream job.

And you stopped because...

-Oh, I never told you why? -No, you didn't.

And I never will.

That's... mean.

-That is mean. -I will tell you this.

It was really fun to get back into the teaching saddle.

Especially the part where I got to tear up the parking lot.

After the DMV

screwed me over with this chair,

it felt good to get back at them a little.

But you gave such an amazing speech

and AJ just didn't care.

Well, that's teaching.

There are no clear victories.

You never know when or if

Something's gonna get through to 'em.

Such a hard job.

Guess that's what makes teachers heroes.

Heroes?

No, we do it for the long summer breaks.

CECI: Hello! You two.

Our DMV-TV spot is about to play right now. Come on.

Oh, great.

NARRATOR: In a world where teens are forgotten...

-TEEN: I want freedom! -TEEN 2: Get out of my room!

TEEN 3: Nobody gets me!

I just want to drive.

NARRATOR: ...there's one place that puts teens first,

and into the driver's seat.

-It's the... -ALL: DMV!

NARRATOR: From the mind of Barbara Jason Berry,

and introducing Cecilia María Lucía Rodríguez

as Ceci.

East Hollywood DMV held its first ever Teen Outreach Day

where we supported local teens

on their journey to becoming licensed drivers.

(rock music playing)

You brought my vision to life.

How on earth did you do that overnight?

Mm. Remember that little man that's obsessed with me?

He, like, owns a studio or something.

(cheering)

Thank you, Ceci.

Okay, Barb.

AJ: Excuse me.

Where do I go for a retest?

("Burning Down the House" by Talking Heads playing)

You did it, Mr. M.

* Ah, watch out. *

There he is.

Dude, after you redid my profile,

somebody bought a batch of my teeny, tiny tadpoles.

-Really? -Yeah.

-That's great. -Yeah.

The receptionist I was vibing with

called me, all hush-hush.

I think she saw my hot new profile

and wanted an excuse to talk to me.

A little "invitaish."

Oh. Congratulations, man.

Hey, you believed in me, man.

So, um, when that kid is born,

I want you to be the godfather.

I don't think that's how it works,

but thank you, I'm flattered.

You the GF.

(Noa chuckles)

Hi. Hello. Um,

I-I recently, uh, purchased a vial of your sper...

Uh, the stuff you sell.

Yes, I-I was just wondering, I don't actually

have to come pick it up, do I?

Okay.

Yeah, I'll-I'll be there by 7:00.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org