Original subtitles

♪ I might have to get paid for this Kinda feel like I was made for this

♪ Kitty feel like I was made for it

♪ I might have to say grace to this

♪ Think I'm 'bout to be late for this

♪ She knows I can't wait for this

♪ Take the pic, but don't filter this

♪ I might have to say grace to this

♪ I might have to get high for this

♪ Might have to swing by for this

♪ She gonna have me on my righteous

♪ Cut the dairy out the diet tips... ♪

MAN SPEAKS JAPANESE ON COMPUTER

HE RESPONDS IN JAPANESE

MAN SPEAKS JAPANESE ON COMPUTER

Uh, yeah.

HE CONVERSES IN JAPANESE

♪ Realer than a momentary intercourse

♪ I was hoping it was you

♪ You might tell me that it's mine

♪ I was hoping there was something deeper

♪ That would keep me digging over time

♪ Bitch, I just hit the scene

♪ All white on my body I'm super clean

♪ Sugar, Daddy

♪ Out here with the sheen... ♪

Fem-a-licious!

Are you running for the Dom?

Look, I know you must hate me, but I just need you to understand...

Fem-Fems...

Femme le bush!

Hate you?

You're not mad? No, of course not.

Look at you. You're playing with the big boys now.

St Gilbert's most coveted position.

It's David versus Goliath.

Potter versus Voldemort.

Frodo versus Sauron.

You do realise that the small guys won in each of those scenarios?

I am looking forward to going head-to-head at the hustings.

But I'll warn you,

I play dirty.

Dirty, how?

You'll see.

PHONE CHIMES

Fuck!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Felix? Yo, what are you doing here?

This ARP isn't going to complete itself.

Look, I already apologised to you about the whole dinner thing

with the parents, but just don't be wasting my time.

Exams start soon.

Spit in my drink, call me two-two slurs, I don't care.

But just don't play with my work. I'm serious.

Hey, I'm being... I'm being serious, OK?

I need this grade as much as you do.

That's not what you said the last time we spoke.

Do you want my help or not?

I just want the connect from the British Library.

Well, I can do you one better.

First-hand sources and documents, courtesy of...

...my godfather.

Shit, this must have taken you forever.

Yeah.

I don't even think we've got time to complete this.

With this source material, plus if we're both pitching in...

PHONE CHIMES

All right.

No fucking about. We've got to get this done by today.

Preferably by 6.00. Great, yeah.

I'm going to go shower. Cool.

Meet at the library? Yeah.

Cool.

♪ Mmm, mmm, sweet like honey

♪ I know what that gimme Gimme!

♪ You want me in your tummy? ♪

No, no, no.

Ah!

Mm-mm-mmm.

MUSIC STOPS

You thirsty.

What if the Dominus Calami was more than just a popularity contest?

The Dominus Calami is basically just a popularity contest,

so you'd be pretty cray-cray to not vote for me-me. Ha!

Chunk of Cheddar for a vote for Cheddar. Thank you very much.

Oh! Get out my face! Ouch!

Femi for Dom.

Say cheese for Cheddar! Femi for Dom.

Get Cheddar started.

Make St Gilbert's great again.

Cheddar for life.

Oh, God, yeah, you look like death.

What was I thinking? I can't win this.

The Dom's a popularity contest.

I hardly think my brother's top of the food chain.

But he's bribing people for the vote.

What, with fun-sized dairy snacks?

Look, I think you've got every chance of winning.

Hi, ladies.

THEY SNIGGER Don't need that!

Oh, the Dom is the only vaguely political thing

I can put on my application to your dad.

PHONE CHIMES

OK, well, I...

What is it? What's wrong?

My family's going to find out that I've lied.

I've already told them I've got the internship.

I'm sure they'll understand. You don't know my family.

Popularity is fickle, Femi. It's...

I know, but it means everything in this place.

If you have the gift of the gab, you have the masses.

Femi?

Femi, where are you going?

Ah, Jesus.

Omar! Hey, hey, hey.

Mmm, musky, au naturel. I like it.

Yeah, I've not had a chance to shower.

It's taken me countless hours, but I finished my final piece.

Oh, my God, no way!

Wait, so the peaches are, like...? Dead. Gone.

Oh, thank God. I'm so happy for you. Is this it? Can I see it?

Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

It's all about the anticipation, the drama, the reveal.

Like, I've never been so consumed by a project.

Like, this piece is a representation of me or, like, who I am

and that... that... that isn't arrogant of me, right?

An artist without an ego is like a bird without wings.

Who said that? Me.

I did. Just now. Mm, yeah. Just now, yeah.

But I'm just, I'm so proud of you. Seriously.

Well, don't get too excited.

I was told I need to get permission from Carol

if I want to switch it out. OK, well, make sure you do.

The streets are saying that the top reps

from all the art schools are coming to our final exhibition.

It's all falling into place.

Oh, my God. We should do, like, a joint art show over the summer.

Imagine, two queer black artists baring their soul

for unapologetic art.

HER VOICE FADES

PHONE RINGS

Toby, we need to talk.

Uh, not now, Miss K. Urgent revision.

Hey, it's Abby. Please leave a message.

It's important. VOICEMAIL BEEPS

Yo, Abby, it's me again.

Listen, there's really low availability

on these economy flights, and can't lie,

I can't afford these business class flights.

So, uh, call me back. Toby. What? You're looking fine.

Fine, boy.

What? No pimple. ♪ And I like your dimple simple... ♪

Has anyone told you you're looking fine today? A few people.

OK, listen... Move, man, I'm booking flights.

You going somewhere nice?

Femi, what do you want? OK, so, uh, it turns out

being the Dominus Calami means I have to get people to like me.

I was thinking, like, "Oh, who's the most likeable person I..."

OK, let me stop you right there. No.

Just a few hours of your time!

Brudda, I ain't got no few hours.

I've got revision to do. Mm.

I'm working the graveyard shift tonight with this Japanese job,

and Abby's hiding from me and that.

Move out my way! Look...

Air miles.

What do you mean "air miles"?

Well, if you're going to be travelling all over Europe,

it's going to be pretty expensive.

OK. So, get to the point.

What are you talking about, air miles? All right.

London to Lagos, a family of four, twice a year.

My dad has thousands. So what are you offering?

If I'm the Dom, I'm pretty sure my proud dad will slip me a few,

which means I can slip a few to you.

Two hours. I'll help you.

Ha! Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah! Oh, my days! Oh, what you doing?

What are you doing? Put me down! FEMI LAUGHS

Put me down!

Absolutely not! But, Mistress...

This is not the sort of art I want associated with St Gilbert's.

OK. Maybe it needs a little bit of explaining...

Top art schools are coming to this exhibition,

and it's a big deal for students.

It is not all about you.

Yes, Mistress.

What are those? Um, C-supplements.

They're caffeine tablets.

And, no, there aren't enough to share.

Why would I want to put that shit in my body?

How many of these have you had?

How much have you written?

Uh, 761 words.

Really? Mm-hm.

Damn.

Oh. HIS STOMACH GURGLES

You hungry?

It's all good. I've got some stuff here.

Want some?

Thanks.

I really am sorry, you know, for being at your yard,

intruding like that.

You don't need to keep bringing it up.

I know, but that's the reason you're doing this project, no?

Cos Hong Kong isn't an option?

I don't know why you'd want to live with your dad anyway.

He seems like a dickhead.

I'm not apologising for calling him a dickhead. You know I'm right.

Dads are shit.

HE CHUCKLES

It's a fact of life.

You know, I actually thought he'd come home to see me,

but it was just about the divorce.

Left before the ink on Mum's signature was even dry.

So, it's either Cambridge or staying at home with her.

Can't you get a place?

I'm sure some that divorce money is yours.

Yeah, my mum's using it on school equipment.

Anything to prove she's good at the job.

God knows what I'll have left in my trust fund.

What a tragedy. Yeah, I know.

Why don't we just get back to work?

After all, you're doing really well.

Yeah?

Yeah.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Each candidate has their own thing.

Mabel has cupcakes.

Cheddar's got cheese.

Like, obviously, they've been working on their campaign for weeks,

and I'm just a little bit behind.

So, everything rests on my hustings speech, which I've been working on.

Yeah. I...I just feel like it's missing that vim, that, uh...

...that X factor, that...

...Toby-ism. Mm. Right.

Well, I am one of one and can't be replicated. Mm-hm.

But...

...we'll try. Let's see what you've got.

So, I figured everybody loves somebody that's funny.

So, uh, I'm going to start with a joke.

Knock, knock.

Bro, that's when you're supposed to say, "Who's there?"

OK. What else have you got?

Well, after everybody laughs and it breaks the ice,

I go on to say,

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Femi Adebayo.

"I'm here for your vote to elect me as your Dominus Calami."

Bro, I'm bored. Bro, because you're not listening.

I'm not listening because I'm bored.

It's about presentation.

For starters, you're there mumbling into your chest.

Because, bro, you're making me anxious.

OK, so what's a room full of rowdy students going to make you feel?

Bro, this doesn't come easy to me like it does for you.

Pick up your top lip.

You're the actor.

OK?

You might not be confident, but you can, you know, I don't know,

act like you're confident.

How? Stand up.

Chin up.

Chest out.

Deep breath.

Sell it to me.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Femi Adebayo.

Adebayo!

And I'm here to tell you why

I should be elected as your Dominus Calami.

Better. Less of the gun fingers, but good.

OK. Again. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

♪ Promises, promises, promises

♪ Said you'd do it later but later never came

♪ I've abolished astonishment

♪ Don't be surprised when you hear my name

♪ In a room that you hobbled in

♪ I'm made of diamonds, you're made of cobblestone

♪ I'm in alignment, you're in a trouble zone... ♪

OK. Not too bad. OK!

OK. OK!

How's yours getting on? Yeah. Pretty good.

OK. Can I hear it?

Y-Yeah, sure.

Um, OK.

Colonialism inflicted deep and lasting harm on colonised

nations, disrupting societies,

economies, and cultures. Mm-hm.

European powers exploited indigenous resources,

enriching themselves while impoverishing local populations.

Sounds familiar. Yeah. Cos I got it from one of these.

Which one?

I don't know.

You haven't cited it?

I thought you only cited quotes.

OK. But it's word for word. So, it is a quote.

Bloody hell, it's what I would have said anyway.

OK, so how much of this is actually yours?

Um...

Not on this page.

KEYS CLACK Not on this page.

This stuff is my own.

Uh, this is mostly AI, so...

AI? Bro!

Yeah. You can't be using AI - they will find out.

How do you not know this?

Ah!

Have I completely fucked it? No. No, no, no.

Not at all. It just... I'm not an idiot - I know you're lying.

I'm not lying. It just needs some massaging.

You know what? Send it over to me, um,

and... I'll have a play around with it.

OK.

SHE BREATHES RAGGEDLY

Sorry, sorry.

Oi! What are you doing?

Wait, whoa! Let's not go round the houses, Mr Graham,

you're always holding.

I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

Oh, "I don't know what you're talking about, sir."

Honestly, sir, I don't know how that got there.

Right, open your bag. No, not that bag...

Hey, hey!

Just what the doctor ordered.

THEY CHUCKLE

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Femi Adebayo.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yeah.

Uh, what you doing? Uh... nothing. Good.

We have to go and support Femi, because every vote counts.

So, let's go. W-What, now?

Talking about now? Yes, now.

Brudda, I can't lie though, spray some Lynx or something cos it's

smelling a little funky in here. Yeah, no, I've just been working

and I just didn't have time to shower.

Yo, Leah. Come here.

What? Toby said we have to help Femi out.

Yeah, and it's happening right now, so...

Yeah, I can't, cos I'm busy.

A-Are you OK?

No, because the dead weight that is Felix has somehow

become even deader. So, just ditch him.

I can't, we're being marked on working together.

Plus... I kind of feel bad for him.

Be like kicking a puppy.

A spoilt, entitled, problematic puppy.

I don't know, I just think he needs to feel like

he's not fucking useless right now.

OK, so let me just get this straight so we both can understand.

So, you're going to do the lion's share of the work on a project

talking about the ills of colonialism

so that you can help your privileged white boy buddy.

Why do you have to say it like that?

Listen, I've got tons of shit to do,

and I even said I was going to meet Benjamin.

Look, I'm sure he'll understand. Just get...

No, but I was planning to get dicked down and just...

I beg your pardon? Yo, why so...?

The hustings is just an excuse to get wasted.

Wish Femi the best from me.

I've got shit to do. But Leah, look...

No buts apart from you two's getting out of the library.

That's rude. Come... Thank you, goodbye.

Let's just go. OK, visual's sorted.

What's next? Do you know what? I think you're good from here.

I've got everything.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um... I thought you said there was a bunch of stuff to do?

On my part.

You can just leave me with it, I promise.

OK. Cool.

Great.

Well, I'll see you... later.

SHE EXHALES

Yo, you good?

Right. Settle down, settle down. APPLAUSE AND SCATTERED CHEERING

Settle down. Up you come.

CHEERING

Now, I know it's tradition to get a little rowdy, but choosing the

Dominus Calami, well, it's an opportunity

to take a break from the, uh, stresses of revision.

However... Yes!

LAUGHTER See me afterwards, Quentin.

However, becoming the Dominus Calami is a great St Gilbert's tradition.

In fact, it's an incredible honour.

You not only get to do the speech at the graduation ceremony, but you get

to represent the school at future events as official ambassador.

Miss McDonald.

CHEERING

Down, boys.

And thank you, Jonathan.

Welcome to the hustings for the 106th selection

of the Dominus Calami!

Whoo! CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Whoo! The first to receive...

Tits!

I've already got some, but thanks, Quentin.

The first to receive two thirds of the vote wins.

But first, a few words from our candidates!

Whoo! CHEERING

My best friend Leah and my girlfriend Devonye

for checking my privilege.

You took a flawed acorn and turned her into a fully fledged ally tree.

Boring! Boring! GRUMBLING

I'm really excited to bring the entire year group into

the future with diversity and... THEY PLAY

Are you playing me off?

Well, I did just say a few words.

LAUGHTER

Urgh.

Not to mention, I know how to throw a ruddy good party.

To vote for any of my competitors -

cheese boy, Flemmy, or the ginger -

would be a vote for mediocracy.

But I'll let you decide.

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Chaplin-Jones - you have my vote.

Up next we have Semi-Femi...

Oh, sorry. LAUGHTER

Femi Adebayo.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Femi Adebayo

and I'm here to tell you exactly why I should be your Dominus Calami.

Some of you may see this

as a position... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

SCATTERED THROAT CLEARING

Uh, as a-a position, a popularity contest...

THROAT CLEARING BECOMES LOUDER

But what if you selected someone

who could help you lay the foundations...

CACOPHONY OF THROAT CLEARING

Uh, foundations of a legacy

that will be remembered forever...

THEY PLAY

Wow, that was uninspiring.

LAUGHTER

Up next, we have Charles Tramley!

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Let's get a round of applause for our very own Semi-Femi, yeah?

APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS Yeah, yeah.

I mean, uh, bit of a shaky speech there.

He gives the impression of someone who'd be better as a sub

rather than a Dom.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I'm joking. I am joking.

I mean, nice effort.

I mean, that's Femi all over, isn't it, really? Resilient, resourceful.

I know that better than anyone.

I mean, like the time he forgot to pack boxers

so he just wore dirty ones inside out for a week.

GASPS AND GROANS Yeah. No, I know.

Gross. I think it got so bad that he even asked me

if he could borrow mine...

...which is not unusual for Femi.

Before you know it, he's walking like you,

he's talking like you and he's dressing like you.

If you don't have a personality, you just take someone else's.

Isn't that right, Semi-Femi?

LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED WHOOPS

APPLAUSE

What else?

Oh, yes.

Vote for me.

So, I think we've got all the information we need.

And now it's time to vote!

LIVELY CHATTER

Please vote.

Yo, Omar, where you going?

Brudda, where are you going?

Hey, Omar, where are you going? Yo, listen, I know it's embarrassing.

Fuck, it's embarrassing by association.

But, brudda, we can't just bail on Femi now.

Look, it's me and Jonny. He wanted to talk to me,

I don't want to talk to him right now. All right, cool.

At least hand in your vote. Bro, I-I got to go.

Sorry. Just cast your vote, bro!

Omar, cast your vote, man!

You're a snake! Snake, ain't he?

Mr Staithes.

Yeah, Miss.

Oh, this doesn't look like revision.

It's biology. Cos I'm studying the... the cortisol levels under...

...under high-pressure situations.

So, this is actually, yeah, it's good for that.

Right, well, I was going to pop this in your pigeonhole.

Thank you.

Uh, sorry, Miss? Sorry, excuse me.

Are you sure this is...? You might have handed me the wrong paper here.

No, that's correct.

I've never got a B in my life.

This was a mock exam.

Imagine if it had been the real thing.

I've been warning about this for weeks

and I've got nothing but arrogance and cocksure answers,

distracted by this and that. Sorry, that's not, that's not true.

I've been... I've been focused, Miss. I've been focused.

PHONE BUZZES I have been focused. I just...

Toby...

...have you changed your mind about Cambridge?

No. Why you asking that?

Cos unless you pick it up,

you're not going to get the grades you need to get in.

I suggest you actually go and revise.

Let this be a wake-up call.

Oh... my God.

Sorry. I was trying to be...

...cool and romantic and shit.

Everything I do seems to come across as creepy.

Why are you here?

You said six o'clock. I cancelled.

Shit, I...meant to cancel.

I'm sorry. Um, I promise the last thing I wanted to do was spend

all night in a library, but I have no choice.

I don't think I've ever seen you without a book in your hand.

Listen, I'm sorry that I fucked up your evening,

but I actually got work to put in.

Good grades don't just fall from the sky, you know?

Yeah, I know. I don't think you do, because if you did you'd understand

the amount of pressure that I'm under here.

Or, if you weren't so self-absorbed and listened,

you'd know I was up at 5am today just

so I can get the night off to see you.

I need three As to get to Bristol Uni,

but that doesn't give me an excuse to be shitty...

SHE SCOFFS ...and judge everyone around me

if they're not up to my standards. You can leave now.

Yeah, I'm gone. Cool.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

LAUGHTER

Are you from Severstone? Get him.

ONE BELLOWS

Whoa!

All right, clear. Thanks. Bro, what are you doing here?

Don't let their floppy heads fool you, you know.

They can mess you up. I was visiting Leah.

Well... until she kicked me out.

Why did she kick you out? I should go. You sure?

But you probably want to wait until the coast is clear, you know,

just in case.

Um, do you want a drink? I brought them for Leah.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Why not?

The votes have been verified.

Ooh!

And I can confirm the candidate in last place is...

Sorry.

...Miss Chaplin-Jones.

GASPS AND CHATTER

Are you fucking serious?

Don't shoot the messenger, babe.

You will rue this day! Move.

Useless, useless, and you know what, Annabel? You were adopted.

UPROAR Move! Move!

This is an unprecedented vote.

No candidate has yet reached the required threshold to win.

As a result, after a brief intermission,

we will hear from our candidates one last time, and then vote again.

Oh, fuck my life.

Yes! Yes!

Femi! Dom-Dom. Well done, you made it through.

Good effort. It looks like your smear campaign didn't work.

Oh, that was nothing. That was just the mere tip.

The next round, we're going in the entire...

...shaft and balls.

Mm!

Shaft and balls. Yeah.

Man like Toby! Yo, bro, what you telling me?

I thought you man were starting to forget me.

Busy, bro. Busy.

How's it all going, though?

Well, I did a mock exam.

I got a B. HE CHUCKLES

Oh, so you think that's funny?

No, no, no. I'm just... I'm surprised.

I don't associate you with Bs, innit?

It's more of Femi's ting.

I was choosing not to go to Cambridge this year.

Me. I had that choice.

So I could go travelling with Abby or whatever.

And now it's looking like I ain't even got the option.

Well, it's a mock. Like, you can bounce back.

J, even if I can scrape it back I've already told Abby

I'm paying for the flights and all of that shit.

But, bro, she is currently ghosting me right now,

so I don't even know what's going on.

Fuck me, man.

What if I've done all this just so I can lose Cambridge AND Abby?

Come on, man. It's Cambridge.

Big, big Cambridge, bro.

If she don't understand then I don't know, man. She will, though.

You reckon? Yeah.

And look, man, it's a big leap, but you have to face it.

Even me coming here,

bro, I'm still feeling out of place and out of sorts.

But I'm glad I did it.

Bro, if I didn't, I'd be kicking myself for life, that's for sure.

Yo, people are moving, innit, so, let me, let me bell you back, yeah?

All right. All right. Be safe. In a bit.

So, this is it.

No! Nah, you said you wouldn't laugh.

I-I'm not laughing. It's shock, bro.

Shock? Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a good way.

All right. Different emotions and sides in all of us fighting

and harmonising simultaneously.

Thanks.

I'm sure the coast is clear.

You can go now. I'm in no rush, bro.

You know, it would've been cheaper to buy her one big bottle.

I mean, my sister works in promotion.

She said she had a shitload left over.

Treating Leah to leftover promotional bottles of Prosecco.

Hmm. And they say romance is dead.

So, what's going on with you and Leah?

We're just different people, different priorities,

if that makes sense.

Yeah, makes a lot of sense.

There's this guy I'm seeing, and he's great.

Really lovely in fact, and... And...?

He's got me jumping behind pillars.

What? In a good way?

I keep hiding from him.

I think I like him because he's safe.

And I thought that's good for me because, you know,

safe is my happy place. I love safe.

What makes you think you're safe?

I'm not exactly chaotic, am I?

Your art is.

I'm not fooled by the buttoned-up look.

OMAR GROANS I think you're attracted

to messiness.

Yeah, no, that's enough Prosecco for you.

Wait, nah... I think it's you.

Oh? I don't think you should be hiding it under a blanket,

or jumping behind pillars to avoid what you really want.

Mmm... Mmm? Mmm. Mmm, mmm!

Thank you, man. Of course.

You're wise. I watch a lot of Married at First Sight

with my grandma.

You're on that? Yeah, bro.

I don't get how anybody watches that.

What? Everyone watches that.

See you later, man.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Oh, hi.

Leah.

Not even an apology?

Apology for...?

For standing me up the other night.

I'm sorry, Xiang. I thought it was just a whole study thing.

But it was for a good reason. I promise.

Well, I thought it was a good reason,

but then it turns out that he is a dickhead.

You... You met up with someone else?

Xiang, am I missing something? Really, Leah?

SHE SIGHS

That is just blatant nepotism.

Your sense of entitlement is astounding.

Just because your dad was a Dom

doesn't make you the best person for the job.

And anyway, it's about time this role went to a woman.

WHOOPING

Sorry. Sorry. Are you even from here?

Xenophobic. Oh, that's not even a word.

Yes, it is. And you're an idiot.

Thank you very much. Objection and overruled, but sustained. Tramley.

Like, like, it doesn't even make any sense.

Like, because the Dom has like, like, like n-never...

..been a woman, so that would make it fair.

Oh, bless you. Pathetic.

And this one - look at him - as the Dom? Ugh.

Stiff, wooden, lifeless.

And those were just his King Lear reviews.

Is that all you've got? Insults?

Shut up, mate. Haven't you got a bed to piss in?

Which is a true story, by the way.

CHATTER Yeah. Thank you very much.

Order, order! Adebayo.

Yeah, I wore the same pants for a week.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

Yeah, I got pissed and pissed my bed and hid my sheets.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

Let's see - what else do you know about me?

Sometimes I suck my thumb when I'm sleeping.

I piss sitting down.

You'll probably tell them that...

...I'm a virgin.

CHEERING

So, beyond the put-downs, you've got nothing.

HE CHUCKLES

Just like you will have nothing to offer being the Dom

because it doesn't mean anything to you.

Just like, I'm guessing, it doesn't mean anything to most of you.

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Well, it means something to me.

I want to do our year justice.

I want our future years to look back at our year as the best year -

full of absolute legends!

CHEERING

So, instead of voting for Mr I Don't Really Give A Shit,

vote for someone who does.

CHEERING

Femi! Femi! Femi!

APPLAUSE

Any final words?

Vote for me and I'll get all of you twats into Glastonbury!

Yes! That's right!

Tent orgies.

Unlimited wet wipes for everyone!

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

Hi, uh...

Hi, Abby. Um, you know, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure if we're still together.

I hope we are.

I just want to talk to you.

Uh, I need to talk to you.

It's about the travelling.

Uh, I'm not sure where your

head is at with any of it, but... DOOR OPENS

Uh, what are you doing here?

Is now a bad time?

No.

It's just, uh...

...you have kind of like...

...left me on read for the past, like, three days.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

Well, I was about to send you a message... Me first.

Your mum said that you were getting cold feet about Cambridge,

and that you weren't going because of me. And so I thought I could

stay away from you. And I tried, but I couldn't.

I can't. So, I think that's because I love you.

Y-You don't need to say it back or anything.

SHE EXHALES

But, I mean, you could say something.

Yeah. No. Shit.

Um...

...I love you too.

I proper love you.

I love you.

But Cambridge.

I don't know about you, but I don't know if I can do long-distance.

Me neither.

Are we all in agreement? Hmm?

The votes have been verified.

And I can confirm that the candidate in third place is...

...Johnson.

What?

No, no, no, honey, it's OK. It'll be fine.

Remember, my illustrious spectators,

there can only be one winner. I worked so hard.

Which means the candidate in second place is...

...Tramley.

GASPS AND CHATTER

Meaning our new Dominus Calami

is Femi Adebayo.

What?

Congratulations, Semi-Femi.

Woo!

SCATTERED CHEERING

Well, come on up, dickhead.

How did you do it?

You were there.

Confidence, character and charisma.

Come on. No way they chose you over Glasto tickets.

They saw through your lie. I wasn't lying.

I have connects and everyone in that room knows that -

that's why something isn't adding up here.

I smell a rat.

Well, I know it's hard to accept, but David beat Goliath.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, you know that something isn't adding up here, Fem-Fems,

and I will find the truth!

You trust me!

Hey.

Hear my man about "hey" - is this not you?

"Meet me in my room 10pm, life or death?"

It is.

So, are you going to tell us, or are you just going to...?

Yeah, no, I need help breaking into the exhibition hall.

It's where everyone's showing their final pieces.

Why?

This.

Everyone's showing their A-level pieces

and what I've got in the exhibition is just not good enough.

It gives a... I don't, uh...

Leah?

What is, what is it?

It's me. Not so much showing who I am

but rather revealing how I experience me.

So, yeah.

What do you think?

It's giving me motion sickness. And we're not even moving.

Look, guys, Carol said I couldn't show it but fuck that.

I'm going to break in and make sure this is what the art school reps

will see, but I can't do it alone.

You guys need to help. So, we've got to do it now.

I don't usually agree with Carol, but...

...I agree with Carol.

LAUGHTER

Omar, you took me out of my studying for this?

You're lying. I-I thought you guys would come and help me out.

This is us helping you.

Brudda, don't let anyone ever see this in your entire lifespan.

You know what? What do you know?

You sabotaged your entire A-levels for a girl that you can't

admit you've got feelings for. He got you there.

You, yeah, you crash and burn every relationship you're in.

Yo, take the bass out of your voice. And then you, Femi -

you can't get no girl because you don't change your underpants.

Whoa! What are you trying to say? I can explain that.

He just ragged us. You know what, guys, guys? Can you guys please go?

Omar, listen - our bad...

Yeah, please, in fact, get out.

Cool. Van Gogh.

Huh.

Sweet Danger by Obongjayar

ALARM BEEPS

BELL RINGS

Oh, shit!

Oh! Shit, shit, shit!

Oh, oh! Ah!

CACOPHONY OF ALARMS