Original subtitles

Come on, let's play.

All right, all right.

I'm playing.

God damn it. Mind your tongue.

I'll bet two souls.

Two souls, huh?

How many cards?

One. I'll take two.

By the way, how's your flying lessons coming along? Not so good. I'm still

grounded. Luck be a lady tonight.

You're going to take a dump or get off the can. Make a bet.

Five souls.

You're five and raise your five. I'll call.

Read them and we dip shit full house.

Not so fast, my friend. I've got you by the tail this time.

Four aces. That'll be 13 souls.

You goddamn...

Holy son of a bitch, you have all the goddamn luck, Charlie. That's Charles.

You goddamn holy son of a bitch, you have all the goddamn luck, Charles.

Oh, come on, Lou.

You mustn't take the game so seriously.

What's a few souls between friends?

The trouble with you is you're too greedy.

You think you always have to win.

Greedy?

You'd be too if you were in my position.

I mean, look at the conditions I have to work under. Long hours, low wages, no

rec room, no air conditioning.

Look at you, all fat and sassy.

Champagne, fine cigars, colored TV, private beach, and a nifty deli.

That's what heaven's all about.

Where'd I go wrong, Charlie?

Charles. Charles!

Will you wait a minute?

That'd be perfectly frank.

Besides your garbage mouth, the whole secret is love.

Love, you gonna start that crap again? Yes, I am.

Love is the key.

Oh, shit.

You follow the path of greed, not love. That's why you're a loser.

Oh, shit. You trying to tell me all those rich bastards got away with the

love?

You're not that stupid.

I'll bet you that if people had a choice of marrying for love or money, they'd

choose money.

You're on.

You're on. What do you mean? Just what I said. You're on. I'll take your little

bet. I'll bet you 500 -fold love over greed.

Make it 1 ,000. Okay.

Now, our only problem is...

Who do we get to settle the bet?

Yeah, who?

Maybe just Pat Boone. Nah, Mr. Goody -Two -Shoes. Richard Nixon.

That's a giveaway.

Mr. Goodbar? No, thanks, dieting. John Travolta. Can't dance. That's a matter

opinion. Adolf Hitler. You've got him already.

I do? Oh, yeah, that's right. Rodney Dangerfield. No respect. Don Rickles.

insulting. How about Anita Bryant?

Next.

Sammy Davis Jr.

Boring.

Hey, I got it, I got it.

How about Rita?

Rita Hayworth? No, Rita Lawrence.

She's hot shit.

I don't know. She's been married so many times, she's got rice scars.

I know, I know, but she is up for another husband.

That's true, and she could swing either way.

Yeah, that's what makes the odds so even.

Well?

Okay, Rita it is.

See you around.

She goes down, into town.

She goes down, wearing a frown, and

into a lasso gown.

Wearing a frown, lasso gown.

As I said, Esther, if you're going to get raped, you might as well get fucked.

Have you ever been here before?

Oh, it's been a month here one weekend.

I loved God.

D .F. or F .F.? Huh?

Dinner first or fuck first.

Would you love me if I were poor?

Of course I'd love you.

I'd miss you, but I'd love you.

My dear, watching you eat is like watching a sink back up.

Look, Mommy.

There's Glory.

How subtle.

Another flashy infant.

You're a clown.

I'll never go out with him again, Maggie. As he was through, he wanted to

me. Linda Lovelace and I go to the same dentist.

And she told me I have the best set of teeth that he had ever come across.

Hello. Darling, you look lovely. Thank you. How are you?

Oh,

it looks like a great party. Hi, hi. Hello, sweetheart.

How are you? Good to see you. Wow.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Hi, how are you? Hi.

There you are. Dave, how are you? I'm sorry I'm late. But as they say, better

late than never.

Maggie, sweetheart, you look absolutely wonderful.

She should. That facelift put her in hock up to her ears.

Anyway, this party is for Rita. She's celebrating her freedom.

Would you believe that this is her 13th divorce?

Why, she goes through husbands, fashion, and monkeys go through bananas.

That was Flora.

She's on some kind of new diet. I think it's just something to do with eating it

raw.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, babe.

Good grief, slap my teeth. Where are my men?

I'm Gloria, Rita's closest friend, and this is...

Um, what'd you think?

Quiet, quiet.

Oh, howdy.

Quite a proud to meet your acquaintance.

Um, listen, I picked him up hitchhiking. What do you expect?

Anyway, brain.

Aha!

This should be interesting.

Agatha. Agatha, babe, how are you?

This is Agatha and her son Henry.

Henry is Rita's latest ex -husband.

I don't know how Rita does it, but she manages to maintain this real friendly

relationship with all of her exes.

Beats me.

Oh, Henry, do stop gaping. You look like a simpleton. Sorry, Mother.

I should be.

Do you know what this pea -brained son of mine did? He made a ridiculous

settlement. Imagine, giving that money -hungry trollop five.

thousand dollars a week alimony. She's not a money -hungry trollop. She's nice.

So is she.

Not only that, she gets the money for life, whether she remarries or not.

Why, he practically handed that bitch all my money on a silver platter. She's

not a bitch either, Mommy.

Besides, I still do love her. Oh, Henry, you never did have much taint.

In fact, the only taste he ever had was in his mouth.

Oh, I thought I'd lost you.

Isn't this party pure trash?

Speaking of trash... Rita!

Rita! Oh, Rita!

This is Rita. She's one of my oldest friends.

Isn't she lovely?

Rita, I don't know how you managed to keep yourself from being so young and

beautiful. Oh, I know.

I just hope I live to be as old as you look.

Rita, this is Clyde. Clyde, Rita.

Well, howdy. I'm mighty proud to meet your acquaintance.

Gloria tells me a lot about you.

I bet she does.

Where did you find him? He's delicious.

Now, hands off, darling. This one is all mine.

We're going to go and circulate a little.

Gloria, watch your drinking. I always watch what I drink.

You know, I really do adore Gloria, but she can be such a terror at times.

Isn't this a wonderful day for a divorce?

Lily, I'd like to introduce you to Lily. She's my housekeeper.

This is Lily. Lily, won't you tell the people a little bit about yourself?

Well, I'm 5 '1". My measurements are 32, 22, 32.

My heart is a floor and window.

I make a wonderful car and flowers for play. I love sleeping in the mead. Also,

I'm studying aerodynamics. Thank you, Lily.

I really do wish you'd keep your tits out of the food.

Marika, my love, my dolce, mi amor, mi sweet.

I implore you to marry me. If you don't, I am afraid I will kill myself.

Don't mind him. He's deaf.

Carlos? Now, we've been through this before. Number one, I don't love you.

Number two, you have no money. And number three, if you don't go back to

you'll have no job.

Capisce? Si, capisco, Rita. Adesso ritorno a lavorare, and you will be

Oh, I wonder where Gloria is. Oh, no, excuse me, won't you?

Where are we going?

You'll find out.

Oh!

This is an emergency.

Lovely party, isn't it?

Okay, babe.

Climb in.

But I ain't dirty.

I don't need no shower. We'll soon fix that.

Oh, shit.

Did you happen to bring a drink with you?

Damn drink.

Well, it's not beef either.

But what the hell?

You may continue.

Won't say no.

Blah, blah.

No.

Here, kitty, kitty.

You know that in Great Britain, cunnilingus is called English muffin?

Oh,

Mommy, stop carrying on. Carrying on?

You haven't seen the beginning of it yet, you numbskull.

Do you realize that in four years we will have paid her one million dollars?

I'm not about to take it lightly.

Something must be done.

And what are you going to do? What am I going to do?

Doo -doo.

I am going to save the family fortune.

That's what I'm going to do.

I'll take care of that fortune -hunting hussy.

Hold on tight, Tiger.

Glory is going to take a dive up Periscope.

Some Periscope!

So, she doesn't want to marry me.

I'll make Miss Rita sorry she refused my love.

I can see it all now.

My grave site.

The pouring rain.

Rita welling with the grief.

It's all so tragic.

And then suddenly she throws herself onto my coffin.

And as she is pounding her with her fists, she is whirling with the grief.

Forgive me, Carlos.

Forgive me, Carlos.

Forgive me, Carlos.

Gracias.

Ah, want some pie? Amen.

Joy juice.

Amen.

Ride me, Daddy.

Oh, yeah, Mama.

Oh,

my

God.

Ladies and gentlemen, before your very eyes, what is first and only time?

Carlos, the human soldier!

Oh, no!

Now, excuse me, does anyone have a match?

Oh,

Carlos, who am I?

Good morning.

I see you're an early bird, too.

I like to get up early to start exercising.

I must keep fit. You never know when I'm going to need my body.

Oh, I know what you must be thinking.

My ex -husband's a novel.

But you know, it really isn't my fault that my marriage has fell apart.

I tried very hard. I truly did.

But they were all such beasts, animals.

Oh, they put me through such hell.

I was...

forced into my divorces.

And I only accepted payment for putting up with the horrors of my marriage.

And I may be lonely now, but I'm rich.

Good morning, ma 'am. Oh, good morning, Lily.

Good morning.

I'd like breakfast out on the terrace this morning.

I'd like you to make sure that everybody is up.

And I'll be back in about an hour.

Yes, ma 'am. Well, I'll get dressed.

And I'm off to work.

Hi. Where's Frank? Oh, hi.

He took his wife to the doctor's. I'm filling in for him. I hope you don't

No, I don't mind.

I don't mind at all.

A little unfamiliar sex never hurt anybody.

You're pretty well developed there. You work out?

Oh, I do about 50 push -ups a day.

Really? Sure. I wish you'd do a few on me.

Well, thanks, Dolph. See you later, huh?

My darling Rita.

I love you madly.

I cannot live without you.

Now, now, now.

Dear Rita, I am mad for you.

You cause my heart so much pain that I must put an end to it.

Now, now, sir.

To who? Your concerns.

I, Carlos, cannot take it no more.

Rita doesn't love me.

When I die, I put a curse on her.

Shit my listen bitch.

Oh My dynamic

Very good.

Mm -hmm.

Little Red Riding Hood rode on her horse.

Little Red Riding Hood, Rita,

of course.

Along came Agatha, gun in hand, and shot that little tart

right in the can.

Oh, not now. I said not now.

I thought I saw a bear.

I did see a bear.

Oh, no, Carlos. I never drank martinis before noon.

But I will have a scotch on the rocks.

Clyde, want a drink?

Yeah, got a cold beer? No, now, that's my kind of man. Did you ever think that

don't need him out?

Honey, what do you think I am?

Household finale?

Do you believe this?

to attend to. Why can't we have a few days off?

Oh, Carlos, my dear, we must start looking for a new husband for me today.

need not look any further. Carlos is here.

Oh, Carlos, please, we're talking business.

Forget the business and marry me for love.

What, in stores today?

Si.

Any suggestions?

Well, there are quite a number of wealthy men that I could introduce you

but I'd have to represent you.

Do you mean like an agent?

No. More like a procurer.

A how much?

Let's say 10%. Expenses at the top. Fine. My lawyer or yours? Yours. Honey,

you've got a deal. Good. When can we start?

Well, I do have someone special in mind, and he's worth a bundle. I could send

him over this afternoon.

Oh, that's perfect.

Carlos, for lunch, let's have an old -fashioned picnic.

That concludes business. I have other things to attend to.

Like seeing a man about a horse?

Well, toodle -oo!

Clyde, honey?

You ready for another shower?

I thought I'd see how you're doing.

Just fine, ma 'am.

It's Rita.

Oh, Rita.

So you can do 50 push -ups a day.

Yeah, that's right.

Can you also do chin -ups?

Sometimes.

How many?

Oh, I can do about 25.

Oh, I'll bet you can't.

My goodness, that's quite a workout.

Are your muscles all tense after that?

No, not really.

Oh, I'll bet they are.

I know a good cure for tense muscles.

A good massage always helps. Would you like one?

I really have a lot of work to do.

Oh, come on. That can wait.

Come on. Lean over here.

Your muscles really are tense.

They really are.

How does that feel? Better?

Nice ass.

You just relax yourself for a second, huh?

Let me do your front.

Relax, I don't bite.

Oh God, I just believe this is really happening.

Now it's my turn.

Huh?

The Worthington family heritage goes back all the way to the Mayflower. We

maintain our puritanical standards.

Oh, of course.

Would you care for some wine?

Drink the devil's water.

Oh, no, no, not to drink. I just thought you'd like to christen this.

and you remind me so much of Stanley, one of my former husbands.

He was just like you.

Gentle and kind and wealthy.

It's just too bad that it all had to come to an end.

Oh, I truly loved him.

Even though it was he that forced me into the divorce court.

Oh, it was just...

I can see you were truly in love with him.

Yes. But don't let it get you down. Why, you have your whole future

to worry about.

You're right.

Let's see.

Did you like my potato salad? No. I made it myself.

No.

Oh,

is he at it again?

Lily, dear, would you please go take care of him?

Yes, ma 'am.

Perfect and fair ribs.

Never, never, never, never, never, never, never.

Why, what a delicate stomach.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Rita.

Can you hang on a second?

Clyde, you don't mind if I talk while you eat?

Hi, babes. How's it going?

Well, I'm...

Gloria, I'm sorry. It just didn't go too well. I'm afraid it must have been his

ulcers. They must have been acting up.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, honey.

But don't fret.

I have someone else in mind to line you up with.

Be at the Ritz at 8 o 'clock tonight, and I'll put the dinner reservations in

your name, and you can meet him there.

Are you sure he'll be there?

I assure you that he will come.

Bye.

Miss Lauren, do you mind if I call you Rita?

Oh, Mr.

Cornwall, we hardly know each other. Perhaps a little later this evening.

Oh, I can't wait.

Thank you. Oh, and may we please have some water? Oh, yes, ma 'am. Thank you.

Oh, isn't this just simply divine?

Tastes like the same old crap to me.

Oh, of course, that's what I meant.

divine crap.

Miss Lawrence, why don't we skip out of here and fool around a little bit, huh?

Mr. Cornwall, what kind of a woman do you think I am?

I'm a woman of position.

I hope it's a missionary position.

Miss Lawrence, forgive me.

I got carried away.

Oh, that's fine.

That's funny, though. That's just what Otto said to me before our divorce.

Divorce? Oh, yes. I didn't want to, but I had no alternative.

Then you're not a virgin, huh? Oh, it was just heartbreaking the way our

marriage fell apart.

Otto.

That's much time.

Have you made your decision yet?

All right. All right, I'll give you the divorce.

And the settlement?

Everything.

We sound like a real prick.

What you need is a lot of lovin'. Oh, yes.

I do.

I do. I didn't mean marriage.

I'm going to wash that bitch right out of my hair. I'm going to wash that bitch

right out of my hair. I'm going to wash that bitch right out of my hair. And

send her on her way.

Pleasant dreams, sweet pea.

I wouldn't recommend the spaghetti here.

Excuse me, Mr. Cornwall. I must go powder my nose.

We only have a few minutes, you know.

Everybody out. No.

All right.

We only have five minutes.

And then we're never going to see each other again.

to take your eyes off mine.

Right now I want you to reach around the back of your dress.

Slowly, very slowly.

I want you to start to unzip it.

It's fine.

It's fine.

I want you to slowly start to lower that dress.

Lower it further.

Oh, that's nice.

All right, stop.

And your right and your left breast.

I want you to slowly start to massage that breast.

All right.

Now I want you to... Pull that dress down slowly.

Slowly.

Tease me.

Show me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's beautiful. All right.

All right. Stop.

Over here

Easy

Slow easy.

Oh Yeah, that's right.

Oh Yeah, that's just fine Really fine.

Ah

Take it. You can take it.

You can take it all.

It's nice.

Easy. Easy bag.

to keep you waiting. There was a long line.

And

he

dipped me, too.

Oh, Mr.

Cornwall, this dinner was just a slight carrot.

I wish there was a way I could thank you. Let me count the ways.

Listen, I really must go now. Where will I see you again?

Call me in the morning.

Boy, the martinis they make here are really killer.

Well, what do you think?

Mm -hmm.

My sentiments exactly.

Almost. Pretty good.

Hey. All right.

Listen, you think Mr. Cornwall's going to pop the question, huh? Oh, yes, I'm

quite sure he will.

I do have a lot of experience.

Tell me, darling.

But if he does, what will your answer be?

Well, that all depends. When do I see the statistics on him?

Tomorrow, first thing. But I'll tell you, honey, so far everything is coming

All green.

How wonderful. I can just hear those wedding bells now.

That's funny.

I can't hear a thing.

What a ding -a -ling.

But, darling, I have a brilliant idea.

Since your days of freedom are numbered, why don't we go out and celebrate?

Oh, that is a good idea. And what did you have in mind?

Oh, a little smoke, a little coke, and maybe a few... Oh.

What the hell are they? The feet are killing.

More than the pun, but speak of the devil.

I hope you left your intervention down on the ground because we are going to

have a ball.

Look at all this stuff going on around here.

There's no love here.

Why don't you admit it and give in and admit defeat?

Now, Lou, don't jump the gun.

I have a feeling something's going to happen tonight that just might turn the

tide.

What do you mean?

Hey, trick, how'd you do that?

There you are. Where you been today?

Oh, I'm not sure.

What's on?

Smoked too much? You didn't want to forget some of this. This will clear

head right up.

Oh, good morning.

Whatever's good about it.

Now, yesterday was a good day. I had no problems.

You're telling me.

You know, I met a man last night.

Anyways, I think I did.

You did?

And he was so beautiful.

I really think I could fall in love with him. Yeah. No, you can't. It's boring.

Give it a chance. It might be fun. The problem is, I don't know who he is,

to find him, or what his name is. Well, that settles that.

There's got to be a way. There's got to be a way. Is that a girl?

I know. I'll hire a detective.

Don't forget about Mr. Cornwall.

Oh, but damn. What am I going to do about Mr. Cornwall? Tell him to go to

Hey, thanks for the recommendation.

Don't mention it.

Mr. Cornwall is here.

Oh, tell him to go to hell.

I forgot I told him I was going to spend the day with him.

Lily, dear, tell him I'll be right down.

Should we tag along?

No way.

Well, I guess it's time to face the music.

Oh, I'm so excited, too, but don't come yet.

I ain't ready.

Yeah, Gloria?

It just came through the computer.

Guess how much that old lecherous fart is worth.

I give up. How much?

8 .2 million.

Oh, whoopee.

What's wrong?

You don't sound too enthusiastic.

You're not thinking of turning him down, are you?

Oh, don't worry.

I'm not going to turn him down. It's just...

It's just what?

It's just that I didn't expect so much.

Oh, neither did I.

But isn't it just wonderful?

I've got to go now, honey.

See you later.

Okay, Clyde, honey.

Delivered on home.

I'm in the money.

We're in the money.

Oh, my God. Him.

I never thought I'd meet you again.

Neither did I.

What are you doing here in the country?

I just moved in down the road.

And you?

Same here.

I mean, I've always been here.

I'm Steve.

I'm Rita.

Lawrence.

Well now that we've met again, what shall we do about it?

What did you have in mind?

Well, first of all, I hope you don't have any plans for the rest of the day

because you're spending it with me and afterwards Well, let's just wing it

But

this is getting ridiculous

Rita, I have a dynamite idea that's going to blast your brains.

Clever, huh?

Get away from me, you little... Shut up your tail.

In the saints, in the saints, oh, the saints come marching.

Watch

what

happens when the lovebirds kiss.

Dave, this is the most wonderful day I've ever had.

Well, if I have my way, it won't be the last.

Come on and kiss the hussy.

It really must be love.

This is not funny.

Serve champagne before dinner and wine with it and make sure that the champagne

is properly chilled. And please let the wine breathe before you serve it. Lily,

where are the flowers?

I'll get them, ma 'am. Um, Carlos, music and please turn down the lights.

Oh, Lily, Steve is just going to love this.

His first name is Steve?

Oh, Mr. Cornwall, if it's a nightmare.

Oh, no, Lily. Mr. Cornwall's coming on Friday.

Oh, but today is Friday.

Oh, fuck.

Quick, sit up under the table, and Mr. Cornwall and I will dine in again.

Well, what about Mrs. Speed?

Um, we'll dine here.

I'll... Oh.

I'll get the door. You two set everything else up. Oh, darn, I wonder

first. Quick bet? No.

Clyde, what are you doing there? Oh, thank you. Here.

Congratulations on your engagement.

This is for your one last fling of

all nights.

should be very interesting.

You won't find it there in the guest room.

Look, Clyde, you just make yourself a little more comfortable, and I'll be

in a few moments.

I will.

You look so young and dashing this evening.

I feel like shit.

Oh, Mr.

Cornwall, you really do have a way with words. Won't you come in? Come in? When

do I get in?

Now, Mr.

Cornwall, such a special dinner, frankly.

It's just good to love it.

Chef, hey.

Oh, yes, of course.

Care for some popcorn?

Love some.

Come on in.

She's been pretty lucky.

But tonight, I'll get her.

Till then.

How are you doing, Mr. Cornwall?

Swell.

It sure is stuffy in here.

Oh, there you are.

What are you hiding under that?

Huh?

Nothing. You call that nothing?

Sorry I took so long, darling. That's all right.

How's the meal?

The meal's dead.

Oh, Carlos, it's electric.

Thanks, I needed that.

Rita, darling, before we eat...

I'd like to ask you a very important question.

Yes.

Will you marry me?

Oh. Oh, well, I need a few moments to think about that.

I'll be right back.

How are you doing, Mr. Cornwall? Fine, just fine.

More champagne?

Fine, just fine.

Wonderful. Fine, just fine.

Nothing, just wondering.

Are you ready for round number two? Round two.

I like you.

You like me?

I really want to marry you.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I thought about it, but I need a few more moments. Of course, love. Thank

I'm going to make men.

Maybe shit. I'm going to be the richest man in the whole goddamn world.

I'm having such a wonderful time.

Me too.

You're such a wonderful, kind person.

You're such a flatterer.

I'd like to do more than flatter you.

Before I ask you to marry me, do you have any aspirants?

Oh, yes, I certainly do.

I'll get some for you in the bathroom.

Electric hair dry.

I, Carlos, electrocute myself in the name of me.

I'm over here. I saw

the ghost of

Cousy Cous.

Oh, Carlos, there's no ghost.

Okay? Who are you?

I'm her fiancé. Who are you?

I'm her fiancé. The hell you say.

I'm her fiancée.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, it all would have been just fine if it wasn't for the damn ghost of Creepy

Coup. Now I have to make a decision.

Well, folks, here's where we come in.

First, let's eliminate Clyde. I mean, he's very good in the staff, but after

that we'll get it. And then there's Steve.

And we have Mr.

Moneybags over here. I mean, Mr. Cornwall. There's only one possible

Take love.

Maybe I should marry for love. Yes.

No, don't listen to that pig -headed fool. You can always buy the kind of

you want. You can't buy real love.

Well, love doesn't pay the electric bill, you dumb fart. What are you

dumb fart?

Damn. Damn. Take one to no one, you sack of shit.

I've had enough of you. You?

That's it. I've had it.

She'll be here any moment.

Oh, I know, I know. I just can't wait to get started.

Oh, just think, a honeymoon around the world.

I still think she made the big mistake. She should have married me.

Maybe next time.

I doubt if there will be a next time.

Take good care of the house, and I'll see you when I return.

Yes, ma 'am.

You won't see me. I'll be dead.

Oh, please.

Bye, John.

We'll miss you.

Where to?

What?

To hell and back.

Heaven wait.