All language subtitles for Maid For Murder 1962-engood

(upbeat big band music)

♪ Baby, don't treat me right ♪

♪ Baby, don't wanna know ♪

♪ If she don't treat me right ♪

♪ She'll have to go go go go ♪

♪ Go go go go go ♪

♪ Gotta put baby right ♪

♪ Something she's gotta know ♪

♪ Baby, don't harmonize ♪

♪ She'll have to go go go go ♪

♪ Go go go go go ♪

♪ Warm up, warm up ♪

♪ You're colder than ice ♪

♪ Blow a storm up ♪

♪ Starting acting quite nice ♪

♪ Better be good to me ♪

♪ Maybe she ought to know ♪

♪ Better fish in the sea ♪

♪ She'll have to go go go go ♪

♪ Go go go go go ♪

♪ Go go go go go go go ♪

♪ Go go go go go ♪

♪ Go go go go go go go go go ♪

(upbeat music)

(doorbell ringing)

- Good morning, sir.

- I've wasted half of
it standing at the door.

- I'm sorry sir.

I was just about to grab--

- Don't stand there stammering, man.

I want to see your masters.

- My what, sir?

- Masters Douglas and Francis Oberon.

- Well, they're still,
I mean they haven't got.

I'll tell them you're here, sir.

What name, sir?

- Macdonald Junior, their solicitor.

- Very good, sir.

- And tell them that the news is grave

and that it is imperative
that I see them both

at once immediately.

- Yes, sir, immediately, sir.

(soft jazzy music)

(man snoring)

- It's true, it's Macdonald.

Does my brother know he's here, yet?

- No, not yet, sir.

- You'd better go and
tell him, hadn't you?

- Yes, sir.

(soft jazzy music)

- Macdonald, young Macdonald.

- I wonder what's
happened to old Macdonald.

- He's probably on the farm
with a quack quack here

and a (toy squeaking) there.

- I don't like it, Francis.
- Nor do I.

They only send Junior with bad news.

- Or to collect a debt.

- Anything in the kitty?
- Very unlikely, sir.

- Who asked you?

Go and show him in the lounge,

tell him we'll be down in a jiffy.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh yes, Gilbert, bring the brandy.

- And the Port, I have a
feeling we might need them.

(glass bottles chiming)

- I hope I've made
myself clear, gentlemen.

- Only too clear, cut off without a penny.

- Not a flaming sausage to our name, eh?

- I'm sorry.

- You're sorry, how do you think we feel?

- It's not my will, it's
your late grandmother's.

- I only wish she were alive today.

- Right.

- I'd like to go and shoot her.

- Who's the lucky benefactor?

- A distant cousin, a
spinster, Antoinette Oberon.

Twice removed, I believe.

- Once would be enough.

- I've never even heard of her, have you?

- She was born and lives in Corsica.

One of your cousins, now alas deceased,

married the Countess Garibaldi,
now also alas deceased.

Antoinette, or Toni as she's known,

is the fruit of that union.

- A right gooseberry.

- She arrives in England tonight

and is coming down to view
her property tomorrow.

- She's a fast worker, then.
- Her train arrives at midday.

- High noon.

- I presume you'll be at
the station to meet her.

- We can hardly wait.

- Splendid, then I think
there's no more to be said.

- Good, then I shall ring
for Gilbert to show you out.

(upbeat carousel music)

(bell ringing)

Still amazing, eh, all these years

and I still go for the wrong one.

- You rang, sir?

- Gilbert, Mr. Quack
Quack here is leaving.

- Well, it's all been most
unfortunate, gentlemen,

but I expect you'll be able
to come to some arrangement

with your cousin.

Good morning.

- Breakfast is served on the terrace.

- Thanks.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Douglas, what are we going to do?

- One thing we must not do,
old boy, and that's panic.

- Yes, but Douglas.

But Douglas, Douglas you
don't seem to realize

how serious this position is.

- My dear fellow,

it'll seem much better after a good meal.

- A condemned man has a hearty breakfast.

(suspenseful music)
Oh now, where the devil?

- Et tu, Brutus?
(rooster crows)

- There's nothing for it, we're
just going to have to go out

and earn our own living.

- You stupid, you can't
suddenly go out to work

at our time of life.

- And we've got nothing to
eat, we've got not income,

next we'll have nowhere to live,

position's desperate.
- Alright, alright.

As your elder brother, I shall provide.

- (laughs) Oh you'll provide.
- For the ideas,

don't misunderstand me.

Now, as I, would you pass the marmalade,

please Francis?

Now as I see it, our salvation
depends upon, thank you,

one of two things.

Marriage.
(playful guitar chords)

Or murder.
(dramatic horn chimes)

(tea drips)

You can't be serious!

- Oh, but I am.

- But you, you can't just
go around murdering people.

I mean it's, it's not nice.

- Marrying people isn't nice either.

- Yes, but think of the risks!

- Whichever we'll do, there
will always the attended risks.

- Well, if we murdered her
the police will be down on us

like a ton of bricks, you heard
what Farmer Macdonald said.

Now if the girl dies--

- We inherit the lolly.

Don't you understand that's what

gave me the idea in the first place?

- Yes, but surely, but surely,

but surely marriage is the
lesser of the two evils.

- My dear Francis,
you're far too squeamish.

Where's the old Oberon bloody?

- It's in the old Oberon veins

and that's where it's gonna stay.

- What do you think our ancestors did

when faced with such a problem?

- Oh, I don't know and
what's more, I don't care!

- They took the easy way out.

Have you quite forgotten Arthur Egbert

and Constantine Oberon?

Three generations of
inspired assassinations

using every device from a rusty nail

to a cup of hemlock.
(pool cue slams)

(ball bounces and smacks)

(bell rings)

- Well what about Tristram
Oberon, then, in 1756?

What about him, hey?

- Alright, so he boobed.

- And how he boobed.

About to push his wife
into a barrel of wet cement

and the silly old fool tripped

and went in headfirst himself.

- He lived hard.

- He died hard.

Now I'm sorry Douglas, but murder

is out.
(pool cue slams)

(ball squeals)
(bell chimes)

- Very well, then, just
for the sake of argument

let's consider marriage.

- Good, well it's a sure way

of keeping the estate in the family.

- But whoever marries her won't be able

to tamper with the poodle, you know.

- Well, why not?

- She'll hold the purse strings.

She'll be the piper and call the tune.

Always there, and as long as
she is, she'll be in the way.

(ball squeals and bounces)

- Well, I still think
marriage is the best bet.

- Very well, then, if
that's the way you want it

that's the way we'll plan it.

- Good.

Will you be having a white wedding?

- Ah (laughs), no you
don't, old boy, not me.

I'm for homicide, remember?

You're the potential bridegroom.

- Oh, but she'd never look at me, Douglas,

not with you around.

(ball squeals and thuds)

- She'll be very unlucky then, won't she.

- Yes, but think what's at stake.

- Very well, then, we'll toss for it.

Loser takes the plunge, agreed?

- Agreed.
- Right.

Do you have a coin on you?

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- Oh, there we are.

- Oh Douglas, not my coin

collection!
- I'm only going to borrow

it Francis, there's a good chap.

Right, call.
(claps hand)

- I'm not the marrying type.

- We'll soon see, call.

- Oh, heads.
- Tails, unlucky.

- Oh wait a minute, how
do I know it was tails?

- Well, there, see for yourself,

there it is.
- Ah.

- Right, well congratulations, old fruit.

And I hope you'll both be very very happy.

- Hey, I wonder what she looks like!

- Well, does it matter?

- Well it helps, doesn't it!

The Oberons have all been
a pretty repulsive bunch,

apart from me.

- I wonder if there's a photograph

of dear cousin Toni anywhere,
where's the family album?

- Gilbert might know.

- Yes.

- [Both] Gilbert!

Gilbert!

(door crashes)
- Ooh!

- Idiot, we called you to
help us find the album.

- Stamps, sir?

- Family photographs, fathead.

- Excuse me, please, sir.

Would this be what you wanted, sir?

- Thank you.
- A lot of

loose ones in the back here.

(laughs) Ooh I say, what a
repulsive little monster.

Is that you, Douglas?
- No, no, no,

it's you, sir.

- Here's something, Toni aged four months.

Good Lord, she's a hairy little devil.

- [Douglas] You're looking
at the rug, old boy.

- Oh yes, still you
can't tell much from it.

- Can't even be sure it's a girl, can we?

Can't we find her
mother's picture anywhere?

- Yeah, like mother like daughter,

oh this is her!

Oh good grief.

- Oh dear!
(laughing)

- Oh it's all very well for you to laugh,

but supposing Toni looks like that.

- It's all in a good cause,

old boy.
- Oh hang

the good cause, if you
think I'm going through

with that marriage--

- There's always the
alternative, you know.

- You mean murder.
- Precisely.

(soft jazz music)

- Douglas, Douglas
can't we pack it in now?

We've been trying all day
to find a way to murder her,

and we can't.

- We could do worse than
study the methods of the past,

you know, hanging, garotting,
burning, poisoning.

We got a quite a vogue
in Queen Anne's day.

Of course we've gotta be more
modern than shooting, and,

ooh, nuclear explosion.

- Douglas.
- Mm?

- Couldn't she just meet
with a little accident.

- She could meet with a big accident!

There isn't a safe spot in
the whole house, is there?

I mean, apart from us the
only things that thrive here

are dry rot and deathwatch
beetle, and of course Gilbert.

The point is where?

- Well, somewhere quiet and out of the way

like the wine cellar?

- The wine, absolutely first class idea.

I can see it all now.

Lean on a crumbling beam,
trip over a loose floorboard

and before you can say night,
you're under a ton of masonry.

Crash! (hand slams)
(piercing suspenseful music)

- Ah!

- Your drinks, sir?

- Thank you.

Oh Gilbert, my brother and I
are seriously thinking about

writing another novel.

- Oh really, sir?
- Yes!

- Well, I hope it enjoys more success

than the last one, sir.

- Thank you.

- May I suggest a little
more feminine appeal, sir.

- Thank you, well now in
this novel there's this girl,

you'll see, this distant
cousin, and she inherits

the estates and wealth
of a very old family

where the grandmother dies, you with me?

- Yes, so far, sir.
- Good.

Well, really, of course it should go

to the present tenants,
the rightful owners,

two brothers they are, sort
of heroes of the story.

- Something like your own case, sir.

- Ah, oh, yes (laughs), it is rather.

Yes, well now their problem
is how to neutralize her,

whether by marriage or murder.

- Murder, you mean, like
electrocuting her in the bath, sir.

- Oh thank you, Gilbert, we
hadn't thought of that one.

- You do prefer murder, then?

- Under the circumstances, sir,

I don't think you can do any better.

Girl in bath, very provocative, sir.

- Yes, well that will be
all, thank you Gilbert.

- Yes, sir.

- On earth's come over Gilbert?

- Really no idea (laughs),
we'd better make a few notes.

Do you have a scrap of paper anywhere?

- In the desk.

- Alright.
(suspenseful piano music)

- Oh no, there's only this old Life

magazine.
- Well that'll do,

that'll do.

Right, headed marriage or
murder, subject Toni, underlined.

- Oh well, surely that's not necessary,

after all we know who we're going--

- We'd better jot it down just in case

we forget something
quite vital in a moment

of enthusiasm.
- True.

- Write one, attempt in wine cellar.

- Wine cellar.

- Two, push from Jacobean tower.

- Push from tower,

that's very good.
- Yes, a sort of

push for money, it's
just very good (laughs).

Three, better be the fall from the cliffs.

(upbeat music)

- Did you hear their

car?
- Might be coming

by road instead of train.

- Oh but she's too early, it's not fair!

(engine roars)

(upbeat orchestral music)

(dramatic quirky music)

Oh, there's no match
doubt about who she is.

- The spitting image of her mother.

- Well that settles it,
marriage is out, it's murder.

- Agreed.
- The wine cellar?

- Do you think she'll fit into it?

(doorbell ringing)

(upbeat orchestral music)

- Good morning, madam.

- Oh.

I'm a reporter.

My name's Richards from True Woman,

True Woman Magazine, you know.

Are they in?

- Who, madam?

- The Oberons.

- Will you excuse me, please madam?

There's a lady journalist
from London to see you.

- Tell her we're out.

- Yes, well she says she
represents True Woman.

- She looks more like four women.

- No, no, no, he said

true women.
- Oh, I thought he said

two women.

- Well, I should imagine that's about--

Miss Richards of True Woman Magazine.

- Oh, well how do you do?

You must have a very big circulation.

(laughing)

- For a moment, we thought you were

somebody else.
- Oh now,

you mustn't apologize, no, I'm
the one that should be sorry

for busting in on you
like this, but I thought,

well, you know, strike while
the iron's hot. (laughs)

You're the cousins, of course.

- Huh?
- I beg your pardon?

- Miss Oberon's cousins,
would it be possible

for me to see her?

- No.

- I'm afraid not, she
doesn't arrive until noon.

- High noon.

- In fact, we're just off to
the station now to meet her.

- Oh, I say it's rather naughty of me

to be so precipitous.
- Yes.

- Is there anything we can do?

- No, no, you see I
want to write an article

on Miss Oberon, you know,
Corsican peasant takes over

English ancestral home, well
you know, that sort of thing.

- Look here, we're not to be
bombarded by the press, are we?

- Oh no, no darling, no, no,
no, this is quite exclusive.

Our Mediterranean correspondent
tipped me the wing

and I thought we'll get in there, you see,

have a little interview, take
a few photographs, you know.

Oh!

I forgot Arnold!

- Arnold?
- Arnold?

- Yes, he's True Woman's ace photographer.

He's a little bit, you
know, but marvelous,

absolutely marvelous,
and I won't be a jif.

Arnold!

(whistles)
(playful music)

Arnold, come along my darling.

Lots of gorgeous pictures to take in here.

Buck up!
(suitcases slamming)

There's absolutely nothing this
man can't do with a camera.

Arnold, my love, these two gentlemen

are Miss Oberon's cousins.

(equipment jangling)

- How do you do?

Please leave this to
me, Francis, would you?

Let's be a champ, take this off your neck.

Just turn around.

(equipment banging)

(Douglas grunting)

- Miss Oberon hasn't arrived yet, Arnold,

but I'm sure these
gentlemen will allow you

to take a few photographs.

- Oh no, it wouldn't be at all.

- Well, not for the whole night.

- The floor I think looks great fun.

Oh, what a magnificent room.

Arnold, let's have an exciting
picture of the fireplace.

Not too twee puppet, bless you.

- Oh, let's get them out of here!

- What a gorgeous old homestead.

Must be a terrible blow
to have to leave it.

- Well, I should say it is.

- Not really, we knew
it would have to happen

sooner or later, we're just waiting

to show our cousin around
before we say goodbye.

- Yes, personally I'm
a bit worried about it.

- Oh, why?

- Living in these
(camera squeaks)

old houses isn't all hay, you know,

especially for women.

- Oh, I'm madly intrigued,
why especially for women?

- Well now, take our aunts
Clarissa and Zelda, for example.

- Oh yes.

- Why, what happened to them?

- Go on, Francis, tell her what

happened to them.
(camera squeaks)

- You see, no sooner had they
inherited the estate then--

- Clarissa under the
impression she was a fish,

dived into the lake and
never came up again.

- Oh.
- Poor old trout.

- You can see the very
spot from this window here.

- Just over there.
- There, father turned

the lake into a swimming
pool when he opened

the grounds as a nudist colony
for the women's institute

at the age of 75.

- And then six months later
he died of a rare disease

called ecstasy, took the undertaker a week

to wipe the smile off his face.

- Oh!
(laughing)

I must remember

that one.
- Happens to be true.

- Oh.

Arnold.

(camera explodes and crashes)

- I do hope dear cousin Toni
hasn't been effected, you know?

- Yes, I wonder, heredity and all that.

We've quite lost track of
that branch of the family.

- I don't suppose you
know anything about her?

- Well, I did glean a few points

from my French correspondent.

- [Francis And Douglas] Ah!

- Apparently her parents
died when she was young,

she was brought up in a convent,

she lived a very sheltered life.

- Well, we intend to change all that.

- She likes simple foods,

spaghetti Bolognaise is her favorite dish.

- Spaghetti, make a note
of that, Francis, will you?

- I can't, the book's in the other room.

- Very simple, surely you can remember--

(camera shutter clicks)
spaghetti, can't you?

- And she likes an occasional
glass of Beaujolais.

- Beaujolais, thank you
very much Miss Richards,

you've been most helpful.

- Oh, and she's an early
riser, which reminds me,

where is she sleeping?

- Oh, up in Nanny's room.

- And Nanny?
- She has no

need of a room for herself.

10 years ago she fell down the well.

- And kicked the bucket.

(camera shutter clicks)

- Arnold, let's take a
photograph of Nanny's room.

It's going to be Miss Oberon's boudoir.

- Excuse me, allow us to prepare the room.

We have got that train to meet, you know.

- Oh, yes, of course,
what must you think of me?

Of course when I want a
story, you know, I get quite

carried away with enthusiasm,
perhaps I could call again?

- Please do.

- Naturally I'll give
her time to settle in.

How about tonight?

- [Francis And Douglas] Tonight?

- Yes, I thought about
nine o'clock, after dinner?

- No.
- We shall

look forward to that. (laughs)

- Oh, love you both.

Arnold!

Can be a drag sometimes, you know.

No, no, dear, we're moving. (laughs)

(upbeat rock music)

(soft quirky music)

(quirky music)

(train horn whistles)

(peaceful harp music)

- Oh, I say do you see what I see?

- Come over here, see what I can see.

(upbeat playful music)

- Can I help you, Miss?

- Oh, no.

(both speaking in French)

- Transporter?

- [Toni] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I am waiting for somebody, you know?

- Could we be of any assistance?

- Oh, you're most helpful but
I'm being met by my cousins.

- I say, what an
extraordinary coincidence.

We're actually here to--
- Did you say cousins?

- Well, I was told they'd be here.

- Well you wouldn't, oh no.

No, it's not possible.

- You're, you're not--

- Not Toni, by any chance?

- Oui, I'm Toni, then
you must be my cousins?

- Indeed yes.
- Yes.

- Douglas and Francis.
- Well, actually I'm Douglas.

(laughing)

- I'm Francis.

- Oh, I'm so glad to meet you.

- Not half as glad as we
are to meet you, lucky.

- Who is that?

- That, oh, you mean this,

oh that's just Gilbert, he's only our man.

- Hmm.

I wish I had such a man.

- She's joking, of course.

- Well, I say, what about the baggage?

- Yes, what about that?

Oh sorry, old boy, touch
of the old fibrocitis.

- Douglas.
- Hmm?

- What are you thinking?

- Same as you are, have
you ever seen anything

quite so, oh.

- Never.

Oh, I think under the circumstances,

we'll certainly have to
abandon that ridiculous idea--

- Sure, and reconsider marriage, aye.

- [Francis] Yes, she'll
be like putty in my hand.

- Putty?

Don't be so disgusting, Francis.

You know, to save a whole on the bother,

I think I'll marry her myself.

- Ye--

Oh, no, you won't.

Oh no.

Marriage was my idea, remember?

- For me, in the first place.

- Yes, but you turned it down flat,

and you lost the toss into the barg.

- Oh don't be so stupid Francis.

Oh shut, I don't care what you say.

I'll have no argument whatsoever.

(soft music)

What's the idea of putting
Miss Oberon in the front?

- Well she says she gets
funny in the back, sir.

- Really?

- You don't mind, do you?

- No.
- Of course we don't mind.

You do exactly what you want.

(chuckling)
- Where are you going?

- Well I find riding in
the back makes me feel

a bit dicky as well.

- Oh.

(upbeat, bright music)

- You said yourself you
weren't the marrying kind.

- Yes, well I've changed my mind.

I've decided I might be able
to adapt myself after all.

- Don't strain yourself.

I have a feeling you're not
going to get the chance.

- Meaning you're going to stop me?

- Precisely.

- Oh.

Nice to know where you stand.

Just you try.

- Francis, you're adopting
a very childish attitude.

(upbeat, bright music)

(speaking French)

- I never thought it would so beautiful.

- Neither did we.
- Neither did we.

- I can't wait to go inside.

- This way.
- This way.

(laughing)

- It's all so magnifique.

It takes my breath away.

Are these some of my ancestors?

- Yes.

It's hard to believe, isn't it?

- Why?

Don't I look like them?

Don't I look like her, for instance?

- What, that ugly old bag?

Good heavens no.

- No, no.

Mind you, she was considered
quite a beauty in her day.

- I want to be painted in oils, too.

- I'll have to clean my brush.

(chuckling)

- I cannot tell you how
happy I am to be here.

I'm sure I would love every moment of it.

And you're both so sweet.

He too, is very sweet.

- Shall I, um, shall I put
these in your room, miss?

- Thank you.

Where am I going to sleep?

- Well, we--

- Uh, we put a hot water bottle
in the bed in Nanny's room.

(tsking)
- You English.

(chuckling)

- Gilbert, will you take
Miss Toni to her room?

- Yes, sir.

(soft music)

- Uh, pardone?

If there's anything that I can do for you,

you only have to say the word.

- Thank you, you've both been very kind.

(speaking French)

(upbeat music)

- Oh, she's lovely.

- Lovely?

Is that the best you can do?

She's the most gorgeous creature
that ever walked the Earth.

- Yes.

And she is mine.

- She's not, you know, she's mine.

- I won the toss.

- I don't care.

A woman like that would be wasted on you.

- Oh, is that so?
- Yes, that is so.

- Oh well we'll see soon about that.

We'll see soon about that,
you insuperior rocker.

- What a beautiful room.

- Yes, it's very pleasant, miss.

You can see the sea from
that window over there.

- Oh.

What a romantic view.

Everything is so wonderful and exciting.

I've never felt so happy.

(gasping)

What a charming bed.

Is it comfortable?

- Well, I've, I've never
slept on that bed, miss.

I can't say.

- Well come and test it and see.

- I beg your pardon, miss?

- Come on.

- Very well miss.

(romantic Spanish music)

- Now don't you find that comfortable?

- Yes.

Very.

Very comfortable, miss.

Well, may I be on my way, miss?

- Yes, thank you Gilbert.

(upbeat music)

(owl hooting)

- You must be out of
your tiny Chinese mind

if you think I'm gonna stand
back and let you marry her.

- There's nothing you
can do about it, old boy.

Once I turn on the old Oberon charm,

you won't stand a chance.

- Oh, no, you seem to forget
that I'm an Oberon, too.

I can turn on my old charm.

- Yes, mine's older, more mature.

I have a feeling she'll go for maturity.

- Mature?
(laughing)

Senile.

You're getting to the
age where you're relieved

if a girl says no.

- Senile, aye?

Well just watch the old man at work.

You might pick up a thing or two.

- Yes, including the old man.

- Oh go and fly your kite.

(soft acoustic music)

(bell tinkling)

- We can't carry on like this you know.

One of us has got to give way.

- Well it's not going to be me, Douglas.

- Very well then.

If I can't have her, you're not going to.

- Well that ridiculous
'cause if neither of us

has her, then somebody else might

and they'd not only get
her, they'd get the money,

and they'd get all of us as well.

- Very well, very well.
- What?

- We'll scrub matrimony if
we can't agree on the groom.

- Well, well, what else do you suggest?

- That we revert to my method.

The, uh,

she'll have to go.

- Seems such a dreadful waste.

(soft acoustic music)
(Douglas and Francis talking)

(soft acoustic music)

Is there nothing else to do?

- I'm afraid not.

It's got to be the wine cellar,

and if that fails, we've
got the cave, the cliff,

the quarry, of course the Jacobean tower.

I wonder if she's still in her room.

- I don't know.

Hey, where are you going?

- Off to bait the trap in the cellar.

- Now wait a minute, you're not letting me

join in anything, are you?

Alright, clever dick, even if
you set a trap in the cellar,

how are you going to get Toni down there?

- Easy, my dear fellow.

Miss Richards is coming
here to see her, isn't she?

- Yes.

- Very well, I shall
suggest a little drink

as a sort of a celebration.

- Go on.

- And then I shall say the
magic word, Beaujolais,

and invite Toni down and
help me select a bottle--

Pardon?

- I'll say Beaujolais, shall I?

- You will say Beaujolais?

- Hm.

- Hm.
(clearing throat)

I shall say Beaujolais and
invite down into the cellar

to help me select a bottle and I'll,

well I have no need to tell
you happens then, have I?

- Yes.

- Have you no imagination whatsoever?

She gets her foot caught in the noose

and the bloody ceiling caves in.

Now do you understand?
- No I don't!

- Shh.
- Sorry.

- I so want to be an
only child, I really do.

- Douglas?

Can't I help?

- No, you've got to stay
up here and keep cavey

while I nip down.

- You sure you can manage?

- It's as easy as falling
off a log, I won't be long.

- Good hunting.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(soft acoustic music)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(soft acoustic music)

(dramatic instrumental music)

Is everything going all right Douglas?

- Couldn't be better, boy.

- You gonna be much longer?

- Barely.

Now off you go.

(dramatic instrumental music)

(rattling)

Whoa.

(kissing)

(dramatic instrumental music)

There's nothing more satisfying
than a job well done.

- I only hope it works.

- Don't be such an old worry Gus,

it can't possibly fail.

- But then we've got
to consider the body--

Building exercises.

You ought to take some
Gilbert, build yourself up.

Get about your work, man.

- Yes, sir.

Oh.

Miss Richards and her associates.

- Oh.

There you are.

I do hope we're not too early.

- Timed to perfection,
wouldn't you say, Francis?

Gilbert, run upstairs to Nanny's room.

Tell Miss Oberon Miss
Richards is here, will you?

- She's not in her room, sir.

- Not in her room?

- No, sir.
- Positive?

- Why yes, I've just
been in there tidying up.

- Well perhaps she's in the, uh--

- No, no, no.

She's not in there, sir.

- You mean you went in?

- No, sir, the door was ajar.

- I wonder where the hell she can be.

- Do you think something
could have happened to her?

- I haven't thought of that.

I wonder.

Uh, but we'll organize
a search immediately.

I'll cover the place from top to bottom.

I'll look upstairs.

- I'll look in the cellar.

- Uh, Francis, not in the cellar.

- Oh lord no.

- It's damp down there.

Gilbert, go outside and have a look around

the grounds, will you?

And behind the black--

Would you excuse me, please?

- Yes, of course.

(soft acoustic music)

- Toni!

Toni!

Miss Toni!
(Toni gasping)

Miss Toni!

Miss Toni!

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I'm over here.

I'm over here.

(soft music)

- Well I've been searching
everywhere for you, Miss Toni.

- No, please do not come any closer.

I have no clothes on.

- Hm?

- No clothes on.

- Right, I hope you
don't catch a cold, miss.

- Oh, no.

Be a good boy and pass me my clothes.

- Yes, miss.

(soft acoustic music)

- Merci.

You're very sweet.

But what brought you out here?

- You, miss.

- Me?

- Don't misunderstand me, Miss Toni,

but Mr. Douglas and Mr.
Francis were concerned when

we couldn't find you in your room.

- Oh.

Is that all?

- No, Miss Richards and her
colleague with the camera

are up at the house to see you.

- Oh.

I quite forgot.

How naughty of me.

We must go back at once.

Can you run, Gilbert?

- I can always try, miss.

- Good, good.

(speaking French)

- Any luck?

- Not a snip.

I can't even find Douglas.

(upbeat carousel music)

- Did you move?

- I pulled the wrong blasted lever again.

Have you found her?

- No, I've searched every crook and Nanny.

- Every crook and--

- Every crook and ninny of the galleries

and she's not there.

- She can't be in the house.

- No.
(Toni laughing)

- Mademoiselle Richards,
I owe you and apology.

- Oh, you mustn't dream
of apologizing, my dear,

but we were rather worried about you.

- What have you been up to Gilbert?

- Nothing, sir.

- "Nothing, sir?"

You come in here panting
like a bulldog with sand

in your ears and say
you've been up to nothing?

That's a likely story.

- I've been running, sir.

- Yes, running after me.

- Oh he was, was he?

- We'll have words with
you later, Gilbert.

Go off now and fix yourself up.

You look positively disgraceful.

- Yes, sir.

- Poor Gilbert.

- Nevermind about "Poor Gilbert."

We're very cross with you.

- Please don't be cross with me.

- We sort of take the
responsibility for you.

- It was such a lovely evening.

Such an exciting time.

- Really?

What exactly did you do?

- First I climbed the Jacobean tower.

- The Jacobean tower?

- [Toni] Yes.

- You could have broken your neck.

- Then I found some old
caves, which I explored.

- Nobody's ever gone in the caves

and come out alive.

- I did.

And then there was a carry.

- A carry?

Oh, you mean the quarry.

You mean the quarry?

- Yes.

- [Francis] You didn't go inside?

- Well I did.

It was very difficult, but I managed it.

- That sounds very fun.

- Then I had a long walk along the--

- Along the cliffs.

Mhm.
- Yeah.

All along the edge.

- The edge.
- The edge.

You haven't left us very
much to show you, have you?

- Well I'm sure there will
be something I've forgotten.

I had a wonderful bath.

- Very well, get your wet
costume off and give it

to Gilbert to dry for you.

- But I have no costume.

- I see.

(gulping)

Do you mean you've been swimming in the--

- Mhm.

It was lovely.

I wish you could have been there.

- Strangely enough the
same thought was running

through my mind.

- Mademoiselle Richards you
must think terrible things

about me.

- Oh no, not at all, my dear.

I often bathe in the
nude all together myself.

(chuckling)

- Do you mind if I show
Mademoiselle Richards

over the house?

- Oh but of course not, my dear.

It's yours, it's all yours.

- How about a little
drink before you start

your tour, eh?

- What a nice idea.

- Something special.

After all, this is an occasion.

The inheritor coming back
to claim her inheritance.

How about a bottle of--

- Of Beaujolais?

- You'll never learn, will you?

- My favorite one, how did you know?

- Well a little bird told us.

Well, I'll go to the
cellar to select a bottle.

You couldn't care to come
with me, would you, Toni?

No, I don't suppose you would.

- Why not?

- Well, it's so dark
and spooky down there.

Much too much for a nervous girl like you.

- I'll show you.

I'll go down by myself.

- Oh, no, no, no.

- I insist.

- Well Douglas, it is her cellar.

- Very well then, but do take care.

The wine rack is behind
the large, upright pillar.

You can't miss it.

- Watch your step.

- Nothing would seduce me
to go down there alone.

- Well you did how she insisted, did you?

- Yes.

She'll be alright, won't she?

(Toni screaming)

- Did you hear that?
- What happened?

- I'm going down to find out.

Ow!

(crashing)
(Douglas yelling)

(floor caving in)

(crashing)

- Oh.

Oh what a tragedy, Miss Richards.

Oh, she was so young and pretty.

She had so much to live for.

You should be down there.

- Are you alright my dear?

- Don't worry about me.

Worry about him.

- [Arnold] Hold it.

(camera clicking)

(quirky dramatic music)

- Dr. Fletcher.
(chuckling)

We sent for Dr. Merriwether.

- It's Gilbert.
(chuckling)

Gilbert.

Yes.

Dr. Merriwether is a bit indisposed,

so I've taken over for a couple of days.

- I thought you'd been put away,

I mean, resting for
the last 10 years, sir.

- Oh, I had a bit of trouble.

I'm shortsighted, you know,

but I've got me glasses, I'm alright now--

Sorry Gilbert.

- I think you'd better
see Mr. Francis, sir.

- Mr. Francis, that's a good idea.

Hello, that was quick.

Francis.

I haven't seen you for years.

You ought to get your hair cut, boy.

Now then, what's the trouble?

Let's have a little examination.

- No, no.
- Francis, don't be nervous.

Francis, come here, stop.
(Toni shrieking)

Well.

Oh, speaking French.

Hallucinations.

Well, don't worry Francis.

Right, open your shirt, come on.

(slapping)
(Toni grumbling)

Oh.

- Dr. Fletcher, that is not the patient.

That is our cousin, she's a girl.

- A girl?
- Yes.

My brother is upstairs.

You've quite recovered from
your breakdown now, doctor?

- Oh yes, good as I was 10 years ago.

- I really hope so.

My brother seems to be in
the most frightful state.

(Douglas moaning)

- That's a funny sound.

- It's my brother moaning.

- Is he injured?

- Well of course he's injured.

- That's why he's moaning.

Where is he?

- In there, please, doctor.

Here, doctor?

- There's a man in there.

- Well I know, it's my brother.

- He's got a pair of brown
boots coming out of his head.

- What?

Those are his feet, doctor.

His head's at the other end.

Now, please.
- Oh sorry.

Leave it to me.

Now.
(clearing throat)

(knocking)

Hello, what is it?

- Dr. Fletcher.

- Oh, I'm so glad you've come.

I wanted a second opinion.

I think it's a case of brown boots.

- No, you are Dr. Fletcher,
you forgot your bag,

and please remember, my brother's in pain.

He's inclined to lose his
temper, and be gentle.

- Don't worry, leave it to me.

I'll see him now.

Where is he?
- Dr. Fletcher.

In there.

The gentle approach.

- [Dr. Flecther] Thank you.

Now, how are we?

(shattering)
(smashing)

- What are you looking for?

- Life.

- Aren't we all?

I must say, you've chosen a fine member

to go aesthetic on us.

- I don't understand, it's not here.

Um, thank you Gilbert, that will be all.

I'll attend to Mr. Douglas.

- Very good, sir.

- Well I like the way you just dismissed

my only means of propulsion
like that, thank you.

- Will you shut up?

It's the Life Magazine, I can't find.

The one we wrote our notes on.

- Oh dear, that's a bit dodgy, isn't it?

It must be around somewhere.

In any case, if anyone read the notes,

they would make head or tail of them.

- Well I don't like it.

- Francis, will you please
stop pacing up and down

like an expectant father.

Where's Toni?

- Oh, the doctor drove
her into Hambring to do

some shopping.

- And that's another thing.

I'm gonna change that doctor.

Next time I'll call a vet.

Look all he's done.

All I did was sprain my
uncle and look at it.

I feel like an iced bun.

- Well you did a damn sight
more than sprain your ankle.

- That's what you think.

That's what everyone thinks,
including that witch doctor,

that I'm a poor, helpless
cripple confined to

my wheel chair, unable to stand,

most certainly not able to walk.

It might be very, very useful.

- What are you talking about?

- Who could possibly suspect me if Toni

were found strangled
up in Nanny's room, eh?

What an alibi.

- Douglas, you can't stand on it, can you?

- Can't I?
(chuckling)

Just watch Daring Dougie.

It's very curious, but I can manage it.

(grunting)
(thumping)

No, don't, I can manage.

(hitting)
(grunting)

- Sorry.
- Oh, get out of the way.

There we are.

- Do you really think you can manage it?

- It's as easy as falling
off a log, old boy.

- Yes, well you said that
the last time, old boy,

and the log fell on you.

- Alright, if you've got
a better scheme, go ahead.

- Well, when would you do it?

- Tonight.

First I'll have to rid of you and Gilbert

or we've got no alibi.

All I need is poor, crippled me, Toni,

and an empty house.

(dramatic jazzy music)

- Telephone's dead.

I'm going to go down with Gilbert to the

village now.
- Good.

- How long do you need?

- About half an hour.

- You sure you don't want me to help you?

- No, you just pop off
and leave this to the man

of the family, will you?

- Yes, Douglas.

(dramatic jazzy music)

(door closing)

(dramatic jazzy music)

- Why did Gilbert and Francis went away?

- Well, they've gone to
report the telephone.

It's out of order.

- You know I got a
little surprise for you.

- Really?

What a coincidence, because
I've got a little surprise

for you, too.

- Something from Corsica.
- Oh?

Oh, Toni, quite beautiful.

Thank you very much.

- You know it can play music, too.

- Really?

Oh.

(soft, tinkling music)

(upbeat orchestral music)

♪ I'd like to sing you
a serenade of Corsica ♪

♪ Serenade of Corsica ♪

♪ I'd like to show you how
love is made in Corsica ♪

♪ Beneath the orange tree ♪

♪ When you'll be kissed by a
thousand maids in Corsica ♪

♪ Fires burn in Corsica ♪

♪ That is the way of a man
and maiden in Corsica ♪

♪ Beneath the orange tree ♪

(upbeat orchestral music)

♪ At the close of a golden day ♪

♪ Come where the pine trees sway ♪

♪ Love and dream while we're wide awake ♪

♪ You're in my arms in Corsica ♪

♪ Mandolins and soft guitars ♪

♪ Under a million stars ♪

♪ Ever more, you will want to stay ♪

♪ Here in my arms in Corsica ♪

♪ They say beware the
flashing blade in Corsica ♪

♪ Passionate in Corsica ♪

♪ But if you love, you are
not afraid in Corsica ♪

♪ Beneath the orange tree ♪

♪ I'd like to sing you
a serenade of Corsica ♪

♪ Serenade Corsica ♪

♪ I'd like to show you how
love is made in Corsica ♪

♪ So come along with me ♪

♪ Come along and see ♪

♪ Come along with me ♪

(soft, tinkling music)

(clock ticking)

- Oh, poor Douglas.

Tied to that chair.

Forgive me.

Let me pour you a drink.

(slow, dramatic music)

- [Miss Richards] Hello there.

- That that woman again.

- I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

- Well no, no.

- I saw the door open, I
thought well I'll just breeze in

and how's our poor little invalid tonight?

- Awful.
- Oh, I'm so pleased.

- Do you want something--
- No, thanks.

I've just popped in for a second,

and I thought I'd bring the
first draft of my article

before my editor reads it.

- Oh, so soon.

That seems very quick.

- Oh my dear, I dashed it off in a flash.

It was a perfect scoop.

But I do need to tell you,
your accident was absolute.

Well darling, I'm terribly
sorry, but I just can't stay.

- Are you sure?

- Oh positive.

I left Arnold alone somewhere.

I can be terribly viceful, you know?

Well goodbye, good fellow.

Bless you.

(chuckling)

- When would you like this back?

- Well we go to press on Friday.

What about Thursday morning?

- Very well.

By the way, I have a camera myself, so,

maybe I can take some
more photographs for you.

- Oh my dear, you're an absolute wizard.

Well good night, Miss Oberon.

(speaking French)

- Bye.

- I think you behaved rather rude

to Mademoiselle Richards.

- Blasted news hawk,
using my accident as copy.

- Poor Douglas.

Shall I read you what she has written?

- There's nothing I'd like better.

(owl hooting)

- "Rescued from the ruin.

"I was poised, ready to
explore the lovely home

"of French heiress, Antoinette Oberon..."

(dramatic music)

Douglas, you can walk.

How marvelous.

- Give me a hand, Toni.

I can't go much further.

- Come on Douglas.

You're doing wonderful.

Come on, you got so far,
you can come further.

- Oh no.

Toni, give me your arm.

Toni, help me.

- I am helping you, Douglas.

I'm giving you confidence.

Think how proud Francis
will be when he sees you.

Now, come on.

Come on.

Toni waits for you.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(grunting)

Was it too much for you?

(speaking French)

(soft orchestral music)

(gulping)

- I can't.

I can't.

- Nevermind.

(exploding)

(dramatic jazzy music)

(owl hooting)

(dramatic jazzy music)

- Doug?

(owl hooting)

Douglas?

- Francis.

(owl hooting)

- You?

But,

where's Douglas?

What have you done with him?

- But I have been done nothing.

He's just over tired, that's all.

- Over tired?

What's he been doing to you?

- Trying to catch me.

- But he didn't?

- But Francis, Douglas can walk.

Isn't that marvelous news?

- Marvelous.

- I feel a little tired,
so, if you don't mind,

I think I will go to bed now.

- Not at all.

- Good night Francis.

- Now what happened?

What went wrong?

You look half dead.

- I'm finished, old boy.

We were here on the sofa,

and she actually had the scarf around her

lovely little throat and I
even had hold of the scarf.

- Why didn't you pull it?

- I don't know, I just don't know.

- Well I don't believe
it, the mighty Douglas,

the man of the family, defeated.

- I know when I've met my match.

- Do you think she suspects?

- I don't know, I just don't know.

- Then we can try again.

- She's beaten us, old boy.

- She's beaten you Douglas.

She hasn't beaten me.

You've had two go's, and you've completely

ruined both of them.

Well now, it's up to me to
take over the role of the,

of the man of the family.

- What are you going to do?

- I'm going to raise the stakes.

The first one to kill her
gets two thirds of all

that's to come, agreed?

- Yes, yes, anything you say, Francis.

- And it's my turn, and my chance,

to prove that I am a man.

- Francis, don't go.

You know I don't like being left alone,

please don't leave me alone.

- Stop it, I can't bear
to see you like this.

Now just stay down here and keep quiet.

This is my moment of truth, not yours.

(dramatic, grand orchestral music)

(ripping)

(dramatic, quirky music)

(stairs creaking)

(dramatic, jazzy music)

(snapping)

(dramatic, jazzy music)

(door opening)

(dramatic music)

(thumping)

- Why did you come to my bedroom, Francis?

- To prove I'm not a mouse.

(gasping)

Oh no, I mean, I wondered if you'd like

your pencil sharpened.

- How sweet of you.

(groaning)

(pinging)

Well good night, Francis.

Good night.

(soft, bright music)

(dramatic, quirky music)

- Well?

- Oh, no.

- Well what went wrong?

(sighing)

- I don't know.

I just don't know.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(tires squealing)

(crashing)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(dramatic, jazzy music)

(exploding)

(soft acoustic music)

(birds squawking)
(dramatic orchestral music)

(grunting)
(dramatic orchestral music)

(groaning)

(upbeat orchestral music)
(Douglas yelling)

(soft, quirky music)

(door bell ringing)

- Brankson?

Brankson?

(chemist humming)

- Oh, Mr. Brankson, sir, he's gone,

he's gone up around the corner.

He's gone to the bank, sir,

he'll be back in a minute.

But perhaps I can mix something for you?

Is there anything I can do?

- Well you can keep your
voice down, for a start.

- Why, what's the matter?

- Oh, well, I um, I've got rats.

- Rats?

Oh.

You wanna watch them.

Sometimes they...

- Yes, quite.

I was wondering what you
could possible suggest

to get rid of them.

- Poison.

- I was rather hoping you'd say that.

- Yeah, with poison.

That's what we'll do.

Poison 'em.

Poison 'em, that's what we'll do.

Poison 'em.

They multiply you, know.
- Quite, yes.

- I'm only helping you, you see.

- Yes.
- That's right.

Here we are, sir.

- Oh is that the largest
packet that you have?

- Um.

You want the family size?

- That'll do nicely, yes.

- Yes, I see, sir.

Well, we'll get the...
(bottles falling)

- Just put it on the slate, will you?

- Yes sir, right, sir.

I'm only helping you, sir.

- Yes, quite.

(quirky orchestral music)

(door bell ringing)

(quirky orchestral music)

(gasping)

- Oh, good afternoon, I
wonder if you can help me.

I had mice in my pantry.

- Oh, your father was in a moment ago.

He got rats in his cellar.

- My father?

How did he look?

I'm not surprised, he's
been dead for 10 years.

- You wanna watch them rats.

- I think you have me
mixed up with somebody.

I wanna poison some mice.

- What sort of mice?

- Well I don't know the types.

Male and female?

(gasping)

- You've got some little breeders there.

We've got to hurry.

- Oh.

(Gilbert singing)

(Toni singing)

- Sorry, miss, I was miles away.

- I'm glad you're not, Gilbert.

What are you thinking?

- Just how different everything is since

you've been here, miss.

- A few flowers makes all the difference.

- Oh it's not only the
flowers, miss, it's,

well I suppose it's having a
young lady around the house.

Well forgive my asking, Miss Toni, but,

will you be staying on,
I mean together with

Mr. Francis and Mr. Douglas?

- I haven't yet made up my mind.

Why?

- Well.

I was only wondering, miss.

- Where's my cousins?

- Uh, I think they went
into Hambring, miss.

- Oh.

Tell them when they get back that I'll be

outside on the terrace, will you, Gilbert?

- Yes, miss.

Miss Toni?

- Yes, Gilbert?

- There's something I thought
you ought to know, Miss Toni.

- What, Gilbert?

- Well,

if you're thinking of having a swim,

the far end of the pool is the deepest.

- Is that all you wanted to tell me?

- No.

Yes.

You will be careful, won't you?

- I will.

Thank you, Gilbert.

(dramatic music)

- Oh Gilbert, where is Toni?

- Out on the terrace, sir.
- Good.

I'm going up to my room.

If anyone wants me, I'm out.

- Where exactly are you, sir?

- Up in my room, fat head.

- I mean if someone
should ask where you are,

have you gone anywhere in particular?

- Yes, yes.

Tell them I've gone to hell.

Satisfied?

- Hell, sir?

Very good, sir.

(dramatic music)

(door opening)

(dramatic music)

- What are you doing here, Gilbert?

You should be in the kitchen.

- Well I am in the kitchen, sir.

- Well, don't make silly excuses.

What do you want?

- Miss Oberon told me to
tell you she's waiting

on the terrace, sir.

- Is she?

Is she?

Where's my brother?

- Gone to hell, sir.

- When he gets back, let me know.

I shall be having tea on
the terrace with Miss Toni.

- Thank you sir.

- Tea.

On the terrace.

- Yes, sir.

Tea on the terrace.

(dramatic, jazzy music)

Shall I pour?

- No, merci, Gilbert.

(speaking French)

- As you wish, miss.

(dramatic, jazzy music)

- How shall I pour?

Strong or weak for you?

- Well, I'm weak.

(soft, jazzy music)

(clattering)

- The sugar's on your side, I think.

- Oh, is it?

Oh.

- Is something wrong?

- Oh, I hope not, no.

(sniffing)

(slow, jazzy music)

- Francis?

Can you keep a little secret?

- Oh yes, you know you can trust me.

- I'm in love.

- You're what?

- I'm in love, Francis.

- Anyone we know?

- I'm in love with two men in the house.

- You mean?

I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

- But one I think I like a little bit more

than the other one.

- Douglas.

Drink up.

- Not Douglas, silly.

- Not me?

- You sound surprised.

Never have I met anyone so like myself.

- I never thought of me
quite like that before.

- I think that we belong together.

- Oh yes.

No.

Have a cake instead.

- Oh no, thank you, but you'll have one.

(chuckling)

- Now you were saying?

- Francis, I'm content to
place my case and safety

in your hands.

- Now you really mean this to me?

You're not just pulling my leg?

- Oh Francis, how could you?

- I'm sorry.

I'm swine.

- But it's all unnatural
that I should feel like that.

You're my cousin.

- Twice removed.

- Oh but the blood is there.

It's binding us together.

- Oh you're right,
you're absolutely right.

I had a premonition about this.

I told Douglas.

- But Francis, from the
first moment I saw you,

I thought, oh no, I
shouldn't tell you that.

- No, no, do, do, because
everything depends on it.

What did you think?

- I thought that one day it
would only be you and me,

and Oberon Manor.

- Oh, you're an angel.

Oh, I adore you.

- We must not forget Douglas.

- Oh, damn Douglas!

- That's no way to speak
about your brother.

- Well, Toni if you
love me and I love you,

we don't need Douglas.

We don't need anybody.

We just need each other.

(dramatic orchestral music)

No, no.

It's cold.
- Ah--

(Toni laughing)

(laughing)

Hold those me, old boy.
(laughing)

That was very funny wasn't it?

I saw it come from over there.
(laughing)

With the tea right in the face.

(laughing)

- What'd you wanna do that for?

- What's the matter?

It wasn't sweet enough for you?

- You're an idiot.

- Not such an idiot
that I don't know what's

going on between you two.

- What can he mean?

- Don't come the innocent stuff with me.

Wipe that cream off your
faces; you make me sick.

- I think you're being
very naughty Douglas.

- Is that so?

- Yes, and I think you've
got the manners of a,

you've got no manners.

- You keep out of this.

- I don't want to hear anymore,
so I'm going for a swim.

- I'm going upstairs to change.

- You know where you can go.

- Oh Francis?

Will you bring me a towel
when you come out, please?

(speaking French)

(mocking in French)

- Yes.
(grumbling)

Wait up!

Tan coat!

Toni, Toni, wait for me, Toni!

I want to talk.

(upbeat orchestral music)
(Toni laughing)

Oh, oh, oh?

(upbeat orchestral music)

Hold it, ah--
(splashing)

(upbeat orchestral music)

I bought you a box of chocolates.

- Oh, that's a big box.

- What did he tell you?

What did he say to you?

- Who?

- You know very well who I mean.

Francis, what did he tell you?

- Only that he adores me.
(laughing)

- Adores you?

- He finds me very attractive, too.

And he's always so
sweet, gentle, and kind.

- Tell me more.

What else is he?

- Oh I won't if you're going to be horrid.

I didn't know that you hate me so.

- I don't hate you, you silly girl.

I care for you more than he does.

I'm only angry because,
well, he went behind my back.

- Oh, I wouldn't have taken him seriously

if I knew that you care for me.

- Care?

My dear Toni, I can quite
honestly say there isn't

a moment in the day passes
when you're not in my thoughts.

- Oh, but Francis said
he wants to marry me.

- Oh he does, does he?

You won't throw yourself
away on him, will you?

Old twinkle teeth.

- Why not? He loves me.

I think.

- You think there, you
see, you're not even sure.

Besides, he'd make you a lousy husband.

- And you make a good one?

- Well, why don't you try me and find out?

- Oh, Douglas, I have heard enough.

Please help me out.

- Certainly.
(chuckling)

Here we go.

(yelling)
(splashing)

- Oh poor Douglas.
(spitting)

Do you forgive me?

I'm so sorry.

- I lost my balance.

- And all my lovely chocolates.

- Oh, they wouldn't
have done you any good.

I'll buy you some more.

Oh, god, Toni.

Toni, you're lovely.

- Oh please, Douglas, not here.

Somebody might see us.

- I don't care, I don't care!

Do you hear that?

I love you, love you madly.

- Oh, if only I could be sure.

- Let's get married.

- But, what about Francis?

- Forget Francis, forget
everything except me.

- But?

If he didn't exist, I'm sure I
could be very happy with you.

- Forget Francis.
- I can't.

- You must.

- She must certainly
do nothing of the sort.

Hand is off.

- Oh, go away.

- Has he been bothering you my dear?

- Oh, no, not at all.

He tried to help me.

So, I pulled him in.

By mistake, of course.
(chuckling)

(soft acoustic music)

- Allow me.

This way.

- But what about Douglas?

(chuckling)

- Here you are, old man.

Oh!
(splashing)

(laughing)

- Well you've only got
yourself to blame, you know.

- If you two brothers are going to play,

I'll see you up in the house later.

- I was quite prepared to play fair.

You see that box of chocolates over there?

I poisoned those.

But you, you clever dickorous,
you had to be a snake,

didn't you?

- I put poison in the tea,
only I didn't let her drink it

because she loves me.

- [Douglas] Oh, blood rut.

It's me she loves.

- [Francis] Then the fight's on,

and may the witter man, bid.

- [Douglas] The witter man bid?

- [Francis] The better man win.

- [Douglas] Oh shut up.

(thunder and lightening)

(thunder rolling)

(phone ringing)

- Oberon Manor?

Yes, yes, I'll hold on.

(slow, dramatic music)

Well yes, yes I'm still here.

(slow, dramatic music)

(thunder and lightening)

(slow, dramatic music)

(dramatic music crescendoing)

- Oh, dear.

Oh.
(bubbling)

(blowing)

(quirky dramatic music)

(blowing)

(quirky dramatic music)

(thunder and lightening)

(quirky dramatic music)

(bottle rattling)
(quirky dramatic music)

(spitting)

(quirky dramatic music)

(sneezing)

(quirky dramatic music)

(thunder and lightening)

(quirky dramatic music)

(thunder and lightening)

(soft, jazzy music)

(door opening)

(thunder and lightening)

(jazzy music)
(thunder and lightening)

(upbeat jazz music)

(dramatic jazz music)

(thunder and lightening)

- Beautiful evening.

- Would you care for a drink?

- No thank you.

(clearing throat)

(soft tinkling)

(thunder and lightening)

- Gilbert?

I've just seen my cousins.

I think they have a little disagreement.

- I rather gathered
something of the sort, miss.

- Do you know the reason.

- Well, I can guess.

- And do you think I am to blame?

- Oh no, miss.

You can't help being disturbing.

- So you mean that I am disturbing?

- Yes, it seems so, miss.

But you see, no one has ever
come between them before.

- Oh, they are like children.

But I am very fond of them.

- Nothing more?

Miss Toni, I think you
should go back to Corsica.

At least until the
estate is cleared up and,

your cousins have left over our manor.

- Do you want me to go away, Gilbert?

- I think you know that's
not true, Miss Toni.

(thunder and lightening)

- Aren't you frightened, Gilbert?

- No, not of the same
thing as you are, miss.

- You're a man.

- Will there be anything further, miss?

- No, not at the moment, Gilbert.

- Then if you'll excuse
me, I'll just take this.

Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you.

Miss Richards telephoned
to say she's on her way

over to see you.

- Thank you Gilbert.

(slow, jazzy music)

(soft tinkling)

- Psst psst psst.

Toni.

I--

I've come here to warn you.

I've hesitated to speak
before because I haven't

wanted to turn you against Douglas.

- Douglas?

I don't understand, Francis.

- Douglas is not all that he seems.

- You mean he's something different?

- No, he's not completely different.

Well, not to put too fine an edge upon it,

he's after your money.
- No.

- Yes.

- It's hard to believe this
sort of thing of Douglas.

- Well, I was extremely
shocked myself when I realized

how his mind was working.

- So I'm not safe here?

- No, no, no, you're
perfectly safe as long as

you trust me.

I shall try to get you away
as soon as I possibly can.

- You?

- Yes, of course.

And then after I've got
you out of his clutches,

I thought perhaps that you and I--

- Oh, I know how terrible
this must have been

for you to tell me about Douglas.

I know how close you are.

- Yes, well not anymore.

From now on it's all
for one and one for all.

Who travels fastest,
who travels on his jack.

- Who's Jack?

- Hm?
- Who's Jack?

- Jack?

No you mustn't change the
subject, this is very urgent.

Douglas may catch wind
of this whole thing.

- Gilbert, where's Miss Toni?

- In the library, sir.

- Aye.

- That's Douglas, he's coming here.

I'll hide out on the terrace,
keep an eye on things.

If he starts anything,
I'll be in like a shot.

Don't be frightened.

(thunder and lightening)

(rain pouring)

(soft tinkling)

- Have you seen Francis?

- Mon no.

- Listen, Toni, have
nothing to do with him.

He's trying to marry you
to get hold of your money.

- How can you say such a thing, Douglas?

- Because it happens to be true.

(rain pouring)

He's asked you to marry him, hasn't he?

- Well he loves me.

- Love?

Ha, the only person he loves is himself.

He's a grasping, vindictive
devil who's out to

get every penny he can lay his hands on.

- Oh no.

- Oh oui.

I'm telling you this
for your own good, Toni.

He's ruthless and will stop at
nothing to get what he wants.

- But what shall I do?

- You won't marry him, will you?

- Well how can I after
all of what you tell me?

- Now look, you mustn't
let him know you suspect.

Behave naturally, or else
there's no saying what he'd do.

- She's waiting in the
library, Miss Richards.

- That'll be Francis looking for you.

Now don't worry, I shall
be out there in case

he tries anything.

- But Douglas--
- Have no fear.

(rain pouring)
(soft jazzy music)

- Miss Richards to see you miss.

- Bonsoir, Mademoiselle Richards.

- Well it's not terribly bland, is it?

It's a perfectly fine night.

(soft jazzy music)
(rain pouring)

- Thank you for letting
me read your article.

You have been very flattering.

- Oh, not at all.

Is it alright for publication?

- But of course.

Don't look at the window
now, we are being watched.

- Who by?

- My cousins.

Something frightful has happened.

- Oh, my dear.

- They have disagreed
because they both think

they are in love with me.

They might do something violent, you know.

- Oh you poor darling.

- I can't talk to you freely now,

while they are watching.

So I'll try to move them
so we can talk alone.

- Yes.

- But just relax, mademoiselle.

Be charming and natural when they come in.

- Yes, of course.

- Francis, Douglas?

Come in, you will only get wet.

(quirky dramatic music)
(rain pouring)

- Jolly wet, isn't it?

(rain stopping)

(quirky dramatic music)

(sneezing)

- So you see how it is?

- Oh my dear, it's deplorable.

- Yes, but I have come to a decision.

I'm going away.

- Well, would that help?

- Yes, because if I'm not here any longer,

they will be no more to disagree over, no?

- Well.

(light sneeze)

(loudly sneezing)

(soft jazzy music)

- [Francis] Toni?

(soft jazzy music)

(slamming)
(quirky dramatic music)

- When are you going back to London?

- Straight away.

- Then could you please do
something urgent for me?

- Of course, my dear, anything.

What is it?

- Could you please go to this address

at Winepool Street, it's
a lawyer of the Oberons.

- What in the blazes are you doing?

- Look.

- Well what about it?

- Oh, do you keep a packed
suitcase in your bedroom

when you're staying somewhere?

- Depends where.

I must say, there have been times when

it has been advisable.

- Well I don't like it.

Good lord, Life.

- Is that the one we made the notes on?

- Yes, but they're gone, look.

- Good grief.

Let's look in her handbag.

- Nothing else I could do?
- No, no, thank you.

- Then I'll be off.
- Yes, as fast as you can.

- Oh, you can rely on me.

In an emergency, I
travel faster than salt.

Au revoir!

- What's this?

Well, now, you recognize that?

- Yes, it's the cellar isn't it?

There's you under the rubble.

- Yes, what would she
want with a photograph

of a cellar?

I mean, it's not as though
it's a good one of me, is it?

- Hm.

- The wrecked car.

- The boulder.

The gun.

- That's an odd bloody assortment to put

in an album, isn't it?

- Oh, I can see it all.

- Francis, my boy, she's taken
us for a couple of bucks.

- Now the question is--
- What's our next move?

- Yes.

- She's planning to do a bunk, right?

- Right.

- Our action is obvious.

We must stop her, right?
- Right.

How?

- Well now we know her
true feelings towards us,

marriage is a write off.

That leaves for the other method.

What do you say to a further attempt?

- Needs must when the devil drives.

Will it look like an accident?

- It'll look like nothing at all.

- I think Miss Richards is gone.

- The decks are cleared for action.

- Gentlemen.

- What is it, Gilbert?

- It's about that murder, sir.

- Murder, how did you know about--

- What murder, Gilbert?

- In the novel you're writing, sir.

- Oh yes.
- Oh that.

Yes, well what about it?

- Well you asked me whether
I'd marry or dispose

of the girl, sir?

- Yes, well you agreed to murder?

- Well yes, I know sir, but
I'm now considering marriage

as a possibility.

- Bully for you.

We're still for murder,
aren't we, Francis?

- Yes, well it's inevitable.

Well go away and think some more about it

and let us know your decision, Gilbert.

- I will, sir.

But I do prefer a happy ending, sir.

- Come on.

Going somewhere?

- Yes, to my room.

- Oh.

- Francis?

Douglas?

I've come to a decision.

- Oh, it seems to be quite
an evening for decisions,

doesn't it?

- Yes, it does, yeah.

- My being here makes you both unhappy.

So I think it will be better if I go back

to Corsica for a little while.

- Ah.

The old house won't be
quite the same without her,

will it?

- No.
(doors locking)

- What are you doing?

- Ah, we don't want
Gilbert barging in while

we're saying our good byes now.

(chuckling)

Do we?

- Why are you looking at me like that?

- I told you he was dangerous.

- But Francis, you said you would help me.

- Oh I know I did.

Yes, but since then, Douglas
told me that you said

you loved him and that you'd marry him

if I was out of the way.

- That's not true.

- Oh, you're going to marry Francis, then?

- Neither of you.

And now, please let me go.

Please let me go.

I'll go away, and never come back.

- You're going to where
you'll never come back,

don't be silly.

- What are you going to do?

- Well you'll hardly believe this, I know,

but we haven't quite made
up our minds actually, I,

wonder what there is that
we haven't tried yet.

You think of anything Francis?

- Well only the torture
chamber, and that's no good.

- Torture chamber?

Absolutely first class.

That's one place you haven't
seen yet, is it, aye?

We'll soon remedy that.

This way please.

No, come on.

- Please let me go.

- You're the ghost bride of Scarborough.

- You can't be serious.

- No, I was joking, actually.

- Here are we, just around the corner

and down the stairs.

(dramatic music)

- Dinky little place isn't it?

Our ancestors used it as a playroom.

Oh, I don't know, how about this?

Chained starvation.

A bit slow than what we want though.

- Or boiling hot oil,
only we haven't got any.

- The old fashioned two ways to break.

- No!

(dramatic music)

- She's in the cage.

- Couldn't be better, old boy.

- Let me out.

- Oh no, Toni, I'm afraid
you asked for this.

- Don't worry, Douglas is
very, very good at this.

Once he gets it going,
it'll be over in no time.

- I just pull one of these little levers

and down comes that happy, laughing thing.

(dramatic music)

- Oh goodness, I think I'm
going to be sick again.

- Oh, not again, Francis.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- I suppose you know what you're doing.

It seems such a pity that
all the Oberons should come

to such a sudden end.

- Not all the Oberons, only one.

- We'll still be here.
- No.

- No?

- No?

- No.

- What exactly do you mean?

- Mademoiselle Richards
is on her way to London.

- Well what of it?

- Well I gave her an envelope to hand

to Mr. Macdonald.

- Envelope?

- What was in it?

- A cover of a certain magazine.

And some small note
saying that if anything

should happen to me, you
two would be responsible.

- Douglas.

- She's trying to fool
us, she's obviously lying.

- [Francis] I don't know.

- Well if she's not
lying, I think it's a very

unsportsman-like thing to do.

- You don't want to kill
me any longer, do you?

It seems like putting a
noose around your own necks.

- Why couldn't you have
told us all this upstairs?

- Because I wanted to see
how far you two would go.

- We'd better hurry and
get her out of there.

- Don't panic, don't panic.

(dramatic music)

It's the wrong one!

(yelling)
(dramatic music)

(rapid dramatic music)

- Toni?

I thought it might be you miss.

- But it was.

But getting me out, the two
fools got caught inside.

- Gilbert!

Gilbert!

(rapid dramatic music)

- Don't worry gentlemen,
I'll have you out in no time.

Your taxi's on its way, miss.

I'll go upstairs and get your luggage.

- Thank you Gilbert.

Where is my cousins?

- Well they're in the library, miss.

They're still feeling rather shaken.

Very touch and go you know.

- I should say, Gilbert.

It was very touch and go.

- It's going to be damn
quiet around the old

homestead without her, isn't it?

- [Francis] Yes, I can't think
of what we did to fill in

the time before she came.

- Yeah.

It's a great pity.

We shan't be here much
longer ourselves, I suppose.

- I doubt it.

Still, it's probably all for the best.

Cheers.

- [Douglas] Cheers.

(clearing throat)

(soft, upbeat music)

- I've come to say good bye.

- We shall miss you.

- Then we always did miss you.

- I'm going to miss both of you too.

- You'll come back?

- But of course.

But unfortunately, you won't be here.

- No, we couldn't very well be.

- Heaven only knows where we'll be.

(taxi honking)

- Would you like to join
us in a farewell drink?

- No thank you.

That'll be my taxi.

- We'll come and see you off.

- No please don't.

I want to remember you
both here, in this room,

where we spent so much time together.

Good bye, Douglas.

Be a good boy.

Good bye, Francis.

Think of me sometimes.

(soft, upbeat music)

You couldn't harm a fly.

Even if you wanted to.

- Taxi's here, Miss Toni.

- We know that Gilbert.

- Well in that case,
will that be all, sir?

- I think so, Gilbert.

Is it, is it cold in the kitchen?

- No, sir.

- Well is it your night off?

- No, sir.

- Why are you wearing your coat?

- I'm going to Corsica, sir.

- Corsica?

- You may remember I told you
I was considering marriage?

- Well?
- Eh?

- Well I've made up my mind.

Miss Toni and I are to be married.

- Married?
- Married?

- You ready Miss Toni?

- Yes, Gilbert.

- Oh and, uh, good luck
with the book, gentlemen.

(gulping)
(bubbling)

(soft, fantastical music)

(tinkling)

- Douglas, you didn't?

- Francis, did you?

- Toni?
- Gilbert?

- Toni, come back.
- Toni?

- [Francis] Gilbert?

- [Douglas] Don't leave us like this.

- [Francis] Toni!

- Come back!

Well Francis, I hope you're
satisfied with your handiwork.

- My handiwork?

- Yes, your handiwork.

- It was you at the start.

(arguing)
(quirky music)

♪ Better be good to me ♪

♪ Maybe she ought to know ♪

♪ Better fish in the sea ♪

♪ She'll have to go go go go ♪

♪ Go go go go go ♪

♪ Go go go go ♪

♪ Go go go go go go ♪

♪ Go go go go go ♪