Original subtitles

Let's see Harpix. Where's the Olympian God?

-Come. -Relax, no pushing.

Well?

I'm afraid he has left.

He's left? I cross half Athens to see who according to you,

Is the hottest man in Greece, and he's left?

Well, yes, he has.

-What can I do? -Well, no big deal.

I won't waste the trip. After all, the baths

Are full of juicy hunks.

Look at that one!

Which one?

That tall one drying off hisarmpits.

I hate hairy machos, they're like monkeys.

It's one of my quirks.

Soldiers turn me on with their bulging muscles

And those hairy butts.

Look, look, look.

Over that way. The one on the left!

Just divine, not a hair on his body.

And those bonbons for nipples!

Don't bore me with your doll!

Check out that one.

-Who? -That one.

I've seen her but I don't know where.

Of course you have.

You're right!

It's Inkognitus!

He's an army officer.

Why does he pretend he has a beauty saloon?

Don't be naïve Harpix.

If the army found out he'd be kicked out.

But why?

Potax!

Harpix!

Lucky I found you!

-I'm in a state! -What's happened?

-Your make-up has run. -Screw my make-up!

This is a matter of life or death,

Of love or sex. Let's go to the Adonis Club.

I need a double dionis on the rocks.

Well, I was heading towards the dermatologist's

Because I have another.

Pimple on my cunt. You make me speak so crudely!

Well I walked by the grand entrance.

And I thought to myself:

"You've always wanted to visit the battle ground

To see the gorgeous adolescent-like soldiers",

So I dodged the guards and got out.

And?

You've no idea what it's like!

-This war is a drag. -Like all wars.

Thirty years of fighting for nothing!

Horrified, in the midst of that carnage,

I heard a sweet voice

Begging for help.

Water!

I walked down the hill

And found a badly wounded Spartan.

Bring me some water, beauty. I beg you.

Beauty, huh? That compliment sure made you happy

-Huh, Hepatitus? -Cut out the teasing Potax.

In his delirious state he thought I was a woman.

-That's all. -Yes, yes, but continue!

So then I went for water.

My innermost maternal instincts have awoken.

I gave him my tunic to rest his beautiful Spartan head,

And some water.

Lovely lady.

-Please -Here, careful,

Son.

Careful.

But you're a guy!

No, dear, no.

You're mistaken.

Hallucinations

Caused by the heat!

You're a transvestite!

Well, you're right..

And Athenian! Well, drink up!

Keep your stinking water!

And your dirty rags!

I'd rather die than be helped by an Athenian queer!

And so he did.

And he died.

God, it's hair-raising!

Isn't it?

Well, look how that brute left my tunic,

For nothing!

Armanix brought it for me from Alexandria.

Imagine how I feel! And all to give a prude a drink!

Don't flee fucking Spartan, before I see your

Bloody insides.

Here's Dad!

Hi, kid.

-Wow, Dad, you're bleeding! -Here Mirrina, we've got

Your husband!

Kid, watch it with that little sword!

Leave him where you always do.

Lift those arms!

Sit still, Tipex!

Sign the receipt agreeing he's arrived in condition.

That's questionable.

Don't worry, it's only his nose,

-Four teeth, what else? -Four dislocated ribs, two per side.

When do you need him back?

Well, ideally,

On Monday,

Yes. What about three days,

-Iady? -We'll see what we can do.

Thanks.

Dad, I want to go to war with you. I'm five!

Alright kid.

You'll end up just like your father.

Watch your words!

On this note, farewell, Cinesias,

Hero on the battleground.

Here's your tip,

Bye now.

No, serving Athens is our pay!

Although any help for war veterans...

Let's go, what a family, that jerk of a kid!

Mirrina.

-Mirrina. -Later, sweetie.

Stay Mirrina.

Let go, Cinesias!

I warned you that today

I couldn't take care of you. I have a meeting.

Mirrina, Mirrina,

At least make sure I have all I need.

Come Sabrina, cheer up, come and dance,

Don't be a spoil-sport.

Sabrina is so lucky.

What I'd give to catch a guy like hers.

Come, let's go.

Don't insist, Papila, newlyweds only

Move their butts for their husband.

By the way,

-Where's the meat in this orgy? -Here, here!

What do we need men for?

Well, play, Clementine.

-Let's eat and drink. -Bring out the wine.

No way...

Lisistrata

Is such a rascal!

Yes? Any problems, officer?

No, no, relax,

I imagine you know it's forbidden to party.

After thirty years of war,

Who doesn't know?

-For sure. -If that's all, goodbye.

Well, my men and I,

Will be patrolling Athens tonight.

Well good luck. Bye.

Imagine everything we have to

Put up with.

The cold,

The rain,

The fucking infiltrated Spartans.

-So? -One would enjoy

The warmth of a glass of wine

Served

By the warm hand of such a beautiful

Woman.

Sorry,

This is a private party.

What are you looking for here?

-What are you looking for? -Scram!

Greetings, herculean warriors!

We are three helpless women.

-Who want to visit the city. -Now?

-What you are is damned Spartans!

Don't give us a hard time.

Don't you give us hard times!

All we want is a pass.

-We are incorruptible. -You're wasting time!

Keep your damned coins!

Who mentioned money...

Gorgeous Athenian?

-They're coming Zeto. -Let them come Lico, shit!

If you let us in we can all go

Behind those bushes.

It could be a trick.

Think so?

Lico, if it isn't, shit, then...

-Are you sure? -I don't know.

-I bet they're three spies. -Yes, but...

Three spies at one shot.

But if we leave post we're in prison.

You see what I'm seeing? Three butts at once!

We'd be unfaithful to our wives!

Yes, but... six titties at one go!

-Zeto, it's dangerous. -She looks happy to see us.

Yuppy!

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Sorry,

Why not penetrate them but not let them in?

You're right.

What's that?

Look.

Off to the bushes!

Girls, now off with those nice clothes.

Slow down.

We are real machos, not those lousy Spartans.

Women in Power!

Come on!

Where have you hidden the men?

-Come on. -Isis!

Why didn't let those lancers in?

I told you that wasn't the surprise.

They weren't lancers.

Listen, Lisistrata...

If there are no pricks, which there aren't,

Can you tell us what we're doing here?

Because I have my Cinesias at home

With four dislocated ribs

Two on each side,

A broken nose and four teeth

About to fall out.

Come get it here, love.

Lisistrata!

Well!

Lisistrata!

Is anything wrong?

You look worried.

I'm waiting for a friend who's very late.

Does she live far?

Yes,

It's my friend Lampito

From Sparta.

-A Spartan! -You've invited a Spartan?

-Some surprise! -Are you nuts?

What a crazy thing to do!

You want us all locked up? We're at war.

Here, here!

Some example of female intelligence!

I for one, don't intend to stay under the same roof.

As a fucking Spartan.

Wait! I'm going with you!

That,

Whoever, can be as good a friend as you like,

But she's still an enemy of Athens.

-She's a Spartan! -Right!

You sound like your stupid husbands.

Curfew!

Now what?

Run!

Women in Power! Women in Power!

At last! I was worried!

We're hard to stop, you know!

Aren't you going to hug me, Lisistrata?

Of course Lampito, dear.

What a fright!

Good evening.

Friends.

These are Lampito and her friends

Iris and Pisteter.

How did you get in to the city?

-Right. -Easy.

A couple of sways, a club on the head here,

Another one there, and click, clack, in we came.

Just to think our husbands

Have been trying to break down Athen's doors

With their rams for thirty years.

It's hilarious.

Girls, we've brought you

A present.

Great!

Spartan

Chestnut cake,

-Stuffed with figs. -Like it should be.

For Gods sake! I haven't tasted it since...

Since the war began, Himena.

The battles ended

A lot of good things in Greece

Including our parties.

I've called you in

Because I have the feeling we, as women,

Are fed up with war.

That's for sure.

Right. Last week my husband appeared without an ear.

And the other day without the other one. He won't go on sick leave.

Well yesterday

My husband came with half a leg. Soon it'll worry me.

And what can we do?

Sorry, but

I don't know about politics,

I'm leaving.

-You're not going anywhere. -Don't be naïve.

You think that gang of idiots who've been

Wasting money on weapons for thirty years

To tear each other to pieces,

-Know about politics? -Nothing!

My husband's a general.

Please, silence, silence!

Women of Athens.

I have a plan.

And we, women of Sparta,

Agree with it totally.

And what's the plan?

Here, here!

-To occupy the Acropolis. -What?

Attention!

The honourable councillor of Athens,

Grand Ajax, sentry and example to our people...

What the hell's going on here?

Unload!

Yes, councillor!

A mob of rabid women have taken over the Acropolis,

Grand Ajax.

-Women? -Women, sir.

What?

-Bring them down! -Impossible.

The only door to the Acropolis is blocked,

The only way in.

We warned the architect!

How did they sneak in?

Using their supernatural powers!

Yes, yes! They spat out toads and snakes

And poisonous farts.

They caught these

Hoagies by surprise, tied them up,

And kicked them out.

Old hoagies? Watch your manners shitty midget!

Mr Councillor, up there

I see odd movements.

The witches who spat toads and snakes from their cunts?

They come and go. They come and go.

They're witches.

But they take on voluptuous forms.

Well, I find them deliciously inoffensive

Careful, they're attacking!

Hi, Ajax, old friend.

Who are you?

I'll introduce myself. I'm Lisistrata,

In charge of all this.

Lisistrata?

Lisistrata.

Yes sir, a turbulent, dangerous female,

Possibly conspiring with the Spartans.

Known to have participated in activities

Against the armament

And the raise in cheese prices.

I've had it!

We're at war with Sparta!

Come down now. It's an order!

We can't, Noble Ajax.

We, the women, have taken an oath.

But, what is this gang of nuts saying?

Let the terrorist talk.

You and all the men in Athens, listen carefully.

Nobody, not a husband, not a lover, with an erection

Will be allowed near us.

You'll burn inside, but we won't give in to your desires

This is our decision.

There'll be no more petals nor roses.

We won't spread our legs open anymore!

No matter how horny our shaven cunts make you feel.

Nor will we let the soles of our feet point to the sky.

Until this ridiculous war between

Spartans and Athenians ends. It's an oath.

So now you know.

This is our oath.

This is a Spartan plot!

Burn those witches! Bring out the catapults!

Sir, there are over fifty women up there.

Who cares, bomb them with burning tar!

And the Acropolis, sir? It's short on doors, but

It is unique in architectural history.

So? Victory over Sparta is all that counts!

Destroy them!

Get ready! Catapult at 45 degrees!

Ready to shoot, sir.

Sorry, sir, did you say "yoohoo"?

Seetheart!

Isn't Lisistratat's oath great?

Terrine, have you been kidnapped?

-Have the terrorists abused of you? -Abused?

What a thing to say sweetie.

We're all friends here

And we plan to stay locked up for a while.

So we won't be able to complete

Iast night's screw...

Until the war is over!

Please don't say that in public sweetie,

And that's an order!

The flinging machinery is ready, swee...,

I mean sir.

Are you nuts? She's my wife!

Come down immediately, it's an order!

Fuck that!

Women in Power!

Women in Power!

End this war for once and for all

Or you'll have to suffer the consequences.

Papila, it's not the officer talking, it's your husband!

I forbid you to walk out that door!

I have to help my friends.

You'll have to step over

My dead body before I let you leave.

Let's go.

Take care, darling.

I've cooked celery and chard for a month.

Don't forget to milk the goats and water the plants

Everyday before you put on your uniform.

This week it's Blanquita's left tit.

I order you to stay here!

Come, come, champ.

-Come on. -Stay here Papila!

Hello neighbour!

-I forbid you... -Bye daddyo!

...to go to the Acropolis.

This isn't the newlywed talking, Thermos,

It's the woman inside me.

And my duty as such is to abstain, my love.

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I mean, no women will do it

Until the war is over.

But what does the war have to do with us,

My beloved buttie?

Ask Lisistrata.

-What? -I only follow orders.

Don't do it...

Sabrina!

Sabrina!

Weren't you going to stay in the city?

I can't.

Sabrina!

Come home, I beg you

Darling, I need you.

Don't leave me.

I'm your husband.

-Hear him? -Sabrina!

How could I resist so much love?

Of course!

Cleonice, keep her beside you until we get there.

Good evening!

Open up! No men in sight!

Come on in. Welcome. There's room for everyone!

No, no, sorry!

But it needs me!

Let's see, just a moment, this has to be made clear.

Animals aren't allowed into the temple.

-Not goats, nor cats, nor... -nor men.

Those of you who've brought young children...

Follow me to the room with four columns.

-Let's get organized. -Where are you going?

-Women in Power! -Women in Power! To the queue.

-We want to talk to Lisistrata. -You all do.

-It's that we have... -When you're settled in,

Around noon, Lisistrata will give a welcome speech.

We have important news from the city.

We are Vesta and Calo.

Oh, of course. But she's asleep.

-But it's past ten! -Leave that there. Follow me.

Lisistrata!

They've got news from the city.

They're sleeping.

Women...

In Power!

Women in Power.

Don't be so noisy at these ungodly hours.

It's past ten!

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We've got hot news from the city.

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...huge.

Noble Ajax, the troops are ready to

Start the battle

Against the fucking Spartans.

Oh, good.

Well... Start the battle without me.

I'll intervene later.

Yes sir!

The trouble is sir...

I don't think our men are in the best condition...

To...

Because...

As you know, the women,

Those...

Are keeping their oath, they refuse.

What?

So you think this will

Make it hotter and there'll be less "action"?

Off to fight.

When I say: Go!

Yes, noble Ajax.

Some mood the sweetie is in this morning!

It's normal, man.

The capo is suffering like we are.

Saw the bastard's hard-on?

No more gossip, here comes his spy.

I'm not here!

-Hello boys. -Hail Mirón!

Discretion, please, gentlemen.

My window...

I'm a stud, my balls are swollen,

My prick's about to explode. Bring me some food. I can't stand it.

Hail, master. I've been nosing around the enemy's camp sir.

The Spartan women have the weapons, the treasure,

And they won't copulate with their husbands.

The prostitutes are also on strike.

Oh yeah?

What a surprise!

-What else? -One could say, noble Ajax,

That radishes, spikenards and radishes

Are growing everywhere, and it isn't the season.

With all respect, sir,

The carrot's leading the donkey,

Get it?

Lisistrata!

See? What did I say boys?

I thought keeping time was different!

An entire squad of homos erectus!

I think something weird is going on here.

Weird? You guys are so out of it!

Didn't you know that the women won't fuck?

The guys can't handle it.

-Poor things. -Idiots. Can't they masturbate?

We're talking about heteros. Hepatitus, he-te-ro-se-xu-als.

You know their story!

My grandmother said: a prick is the only macho that incubates 2 eggs.

We've always been ahead of them in this matter.

It's growing, look, it's growing!

Three weeks of no fucking and not a sign of peace.

Patience Clementine. The men are pretty aroused.

Look, look, look!

Poor thing. I'm beginning to really feel like...

-Here, take it. -Don't even dream of it. Be strong!

Look at that one!

What an erection!

His prick's going to burst!

It's going to explode.

It's General Thermos, Sabrina's husband.

He was such an attractive man...

Good God! I mean: Good day, ladies.

Three weeks without and they're like zombies.

Mine mistook the dog for the bath sponge yesterday.

-It's a matter of days. -Peace is on its way.

The entire Acropolis to us.

No soldiers, no priests...

Nor Persian tourists

-Lampito. -Lisi.

Lampito, come here!

Remember the rules?

When I say: "He steals the cat food..."

-Mom! Mom!

-Good.

And when I say...

"Because of the problem..."

Mom, Mom, will you come home son?

That's it!

If you do it well,

I'll take you to war.

Promise?

Promise.

Let's go.

Someone is coming!

Why? What's up?

It's a man!

Mirrina!

Mirrina, your husband!

What? Where?

Down there!

What do I do?

What do I do?

Nothing. We'll take care of it.

Vesta, the box of Persian perfumes.

Cleonice, jewelry, combs and oils.

Calo, the saffron tunic.

Hello my Mirrinita.

Tipex, my baby.

I've come to tell you we're fine.

Tipex has become a little man,

He manages on his own...

-He steals the cat's food. -Mom! Mom!

But, I left you a pile of food before I came!

Can't you even cook, you good-for-nothing?

I've got to get up early to go to war,

Iittle Tipex spends all day alone at home.

Know what? The school is closed

And Abacus the teacher has become a bad example for the boys

Because of the problem...

Because of the problem...

Say it, or forget coming to war!

Mom, Mom, will you come home soon?

Oh, Lisistrata,

My son's breaking my heart, poor baby.

Take it easy!

You're going to go and bring the kid up, ok?

But Cinesias will want to keep me.

Alright.

Take him behind those bushes for a while.

-And break the strike? -That's what he'll think,

But don't let him touch you.

All you have to do

Is get all the information you can.

Okay!

Okay, I get it.

Me too!

This makes me feel dirty.

Down you go.

-Mom. -Coming, coming

-Ready and waiting! -Tipex, son!

Sweetie!

Mom, Mom,

What's Dad got there?

What are you sniffing? You don't ask those questions.

-You're too young. -Yes, Mom.

-Want some yogurt and cheese? -Yes, Mom.

Get on that swing and aunt Lisistrata

Will give you a good snack.

There!

And now for the big boy.

Cinesias,

Shall we go behind the bushes?

Poor Cinesias.

Does the war make up for my absence?

Don't worry, your Mirrina'll help you release tension.

Let's see...

On the ground.

The soldiers are coming.

The soldiers are coming. What can we do?

Hello!

Hello!

Save me!

Liked it, huh?

But don't worry,

When peace is signed...

-Peace? -...we'll do it everyday.

Right?

Peace? Why must peace be signed?

Why not?

You can't keep fighting like this...

With no money for weapons.

Leave peace in peace.

Those Spartans are rogues

And there's no treating with rogues.

They can't even write!

Oh, no? Well, bye!

Well, you'd think you're Homer!

Bye.

Mirrina,

It's a manner of speech.

-I meant... -Let go!

The damned Spartans are great!

I've joined their javelin launching club

And I don't kill them, I only frighten them.

Mirrina!

Don't leave me like this! Take pity on me!

I'm your husband!

Mirrina!

What an ass!

Good afternoon Mister Prostatus.

I'll have...

A little melon,

Good and juicy...

And also, what a beauty!

I'll take this pumpkin,

Solid and lustrous.

Mister Prostatus

Good and big and solid

It isn't for today. Mr. Prostatus?

Mr... Mr.. Prostatus! Mister!

Mr. Prostatus!

Here, bastard!

-Poor Clementine! -Poor thing.

Ladies, please, keep cool.

Today

Someone was raped.

Are we going wait till they rape us all?

I think we're torturing our men too much,

Just for the sake of peace.

Why have you called me?

Prostatus, your husband, has tried to rape

-Clementine. -That's a lie!

Of course,

So what's this?

And what's this?

My husband is the straightest,

Most peaceful man in Athens.

I don't think it was

-His fault. -So whose was it?

Your's, for swaying your whorish

Butt before his nose.

Say that again, you swine!

Quit it! Let's not fight.

We have to stick together, no matter what.

She started!

What?

Shut up

You bunch of horny housewives!

And if you don't shut up, no tits for supper!

Go on sweetheart.

Ladies,

The facts prove that men become brutes

When they can't act out their impulses.

I propose you immediately leave

Your homes and move up to the Acropolis.

We must take action.

Not a woman in that city of wolves.

Of course. Of course. I agree.

Lisistrata,

Only fifteen more days...

If by then there's no sign of peace,

We'll surrender.

Harpix!

Potax!

I got the solution!

We do too.

Look at this Hepatitus, isn't it great?

What's this gadget for?

You put it on like a belt,

Under your skirt, and there's

No difference between a happy gay

And a macho with a hard-on. It's a Simulator, designed by

Almorrakis, the sculptor.

It's amazing! So solid yet so delicate!

You've fallen very low!

In private you claim to be so liberated,

But when it comes to speaking out

You shit in your pants.

How ordinary!

What can I do, Hepatitus?

Everyone at work has hard-ons but me!

They're beginning to gossip.

My mother is beginning to wonder, and if she knew,

She'd die!

I can't believe it!

Since you don't work, you got nothing to lose!

Don't be pathetic!

Everyone in Athens knows, with that Simulator or not!

Neither one of us has to pretend, dear!

Nor do you,

Illustrious actor,

Epaminondas.

-Wise words. -Nor do you...

Have any need to pretend.

Aren't you a hairdresser?

Of course

If you were

An Athenian

Army officer...

Then you would need

This...

I'll kill you, bastard!

You're a professional with swords.

But, what would the Generals say

About your favourite attack: the rearguard attack?

General Inkognitus,

I can just see the headlines

Of those awful tabloids,

Precisely often read at the hairdresser's

"Homosexual General

Endangers State Security"

What a scandal!

Everyone would find out,

Civilians, soldiers...

First of all,

Your mother.

Not my mother!

Not my mother!

Take it easy,

Here we understand you.

That's what friends

Are for, today for you, tomorrow for me.

-Right? -I'm in your hands.

What am I to do?

Take me to that secret officer's meeting,

Where civilians aren't allowed in.

But everyone knows you're a drag queen!

Excuse me, a transvestite.

They'll all recognize you.

Gentlemen, the situation is unacceptable.

Our soldiers

Are incapable. Incapable of getting on a horse,

Incapable of drawing a sword,

Even incapable of spitting

On the enemy.

That's why I've summoned you,

To come up with a solution.

Maybe we could bribe the women.

General Akanto,

We don't have a single drakma

All the money

Is at the Acropolis.

Generals,

We've got to think.

We're in Athens, cradle of the metaphor,

Of the hypotenuse and the Mediterranen diet.

Why can't anyone come up with a good idea?

-Think of your mother. -Well, I've got an idea.

General Inkognitus, we hoped for an idea,

After twelve years of service.

Actually, the idea isn't mine, it's his.

Let me introduce myself,

Distinguished audience.

I'm Intellectus, and I'm a doctor

And sexologist.

Inkognitus!

Civilians are vetoed from our private assemblies!

Yes, noble scholar Ajax,

But the women's

Blackmail, sorry, extortion, changes things...

Who cares where the ideas come from

If they're good?

We didn't think women could have ideas!

Wise words, Intelektus,

But, for Zeus'sake, out with it!

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Him, a doctor? He looks more like a vet.

A sexologist?

I bet we're up to our balls soon!

Sorry.

I'm not a warrior,

But, as a doctor,

I know an army

Whose virility has been held back

During four long weeks

Is a sick army.

And I know

You're stoically enduring

That burning pain inside you.

But the worst

Is yet to come.

During the fifth week

Your sperm duct will block up,

Backing up into

The bile sac along the right side

And consequently reaching the brain.

Then even the bravest

Of Athenian warriors

Even you, noble Ajax, will be unable to make out

The good from the bad, the friend from the enemy.

You'll fall prey of tremendous confusion

That may even make you think you're Spartan.

Let's get this over with!

I've had it!

So have I!

It's unbearable! We've had enough!

Cool it gentlemen.

I'd rather die!

Sit down.

I've got a solution.

Well, out with it!

Remember it's you

Who have asked me.

So, out with it!

If the ladies refuse to have intercourse with us

And that brings on painful erections,

Then somehow or other intercourse is necessary.

If it can't be with women...

Then at least...

Iets have it with men.

Are you suggesting we become queers?

No, not at all.

We mustn't mix things up.

My General, scientifically, imposed homosexuality,

Is not equivalent to being gay.

But, what sort of fucking shitty solution is this one

That makes us fuck with fucking guys?

There's no choice, it's up to Zeus.

For Zeus' sake get this

Creep off the platform!

No way!

What a ridiculous idea!

Okay, okay!

But, don't forget that the Spartans

Have accepted the imposed homosexuality.

Just a minute, bring the doctor!

How can the Supreme General of Athens

Order an Imposed Homosexuality Operation? Incredible!

Well, you better start believing it.

And now what?

I don't know!

-Shall I blow out the torch? -Yes.

Maybe taking our clothes off will make things easier.

Maybe.

Stop Papila, please!

-What's wrong now? -I can't Papila.

I'm dizzy.

Do you want to sleep with your husband or not?

It's what I want the most!

Then hold tight and shut up!

Papila!

I just wanted to talk to my husband, Lisi!

-Well, we're naked. And now? -How should I know?

How do queers to it? Because I...

-I don't know any. -Nor do I,

But I've heard they always talk about anal contact.

Oh no, not that! No, no. I'd rather die.

I haven't said I'd do it.

I've simply answered your question.

Alright. Shit, sorry!

-Let's forget the subject. -Okay.

What else is there?

Well... How should I know?

As if I were an expert!

Okay, okay, cool it. Let's not get into a fight!

Well, let's just take the bull by the horns.

Okay.

You and I have been fighting hand in hand for years.

And it would be ridiculous to fall

Into this ambush.

-Don't tickle me! -So how to we start?

Well, put your hand on my shoulder.

-But no tickling. -Ok. No tickling.

-No tickling. -Just great.

Is this how those queers have fun?

How should I know?

Why don't we get this over with

For once and for all?

-For Athens? -Okay.

For Athens!

Well, now I'm going to touch...

Your thing.

-It gives me the creeps! -Shit! No, no, no.

No! Don't stop.

More, more, more.

More! And now for Athens,

I'm also going to touch your thing.

Incredible!

That's the word: "incredible".

What's scientifically

Called imposed homosexuality,

Doesn't make one gay, my General.

You were very inspired Hepatitus.

Simply convincing.

-Have they swallowed it? -All the way.

Hepatitus!

-Look at her. -Scram.

-Where's that bastard transvestite?

I'm going to cut his balls off.

-But, what's wrong? -Now you'll see.

I bow before you.

The barracks of Athens

Have surrendered to your liberating genious.

How I love you!

Let's celebrate the gayest night in Athens.

The machos are liberated!

But tomorrow or the day after

The problem will be back.

And then, we gays

Will give them a hand.

No, Hepatitus, no,

Tomorrow morning they will be back in shape

To kill off the Spartans.

No way Potax.

I have it all planned.

Drums.

Rattlesnakes.

Flutes.

Allow me to introduce

A pal from Sparta.

-That's going too far. -Quiet!

Domestos,

From the Spartacus Radical Gay Front.

This is a fucking Spartan?

Gays

In Power!

Gays in Power!

And you...

Who are you, you runt?

Ouch!

Noble Ajax! Noble Ajax, it's me, your spy Mirón.

It's urgent!

You'll think I'm mad.

But what I'm going to say is true.

The damned Spartans

Have received an order to spend

The night fucking, so they're in shape to fight.

I've given that order here too.

What? The Athenians have also turned gay?

Gay? What does that have to do with a screw?

Huh? Tell me!

-You've still got a problem. -Yup.

Me too.

So I see.

Know how it's solved?

How?

Get into bed.

But, it's that I...

Get into bed! It's an order!

Let's call an end to this nightmare.

Tomorrow everything will be back to normal..

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-Today they'll get it! -For sure.

-Like you got it from me last night.

Hepatitus! Hepatitus, wait!

-What are you doing here? -She can't decide.

I'm in a hurry!

Me too, I'm meeting Domestus at the baths.

Hepatitus, please help me with Harpix.

What's wrong with him?

She's mad for a hunk and I tell her to go for it,

Not to be afraid, it's the ideal moment,

He's just another guy! Speak, Harpix!

I don't know.

I don't dare, he's too cute.

Let's see, dear Harpix, right now a cute guy

Is waiting for me. He's not too smart, but he likes me.

I remind him of his mother.

His mother?

Yes.

How romantic!

But I...

You have to attack. Just walk up to him.

Improvise. I'm off. Bye pretty things!

Make up your mind you nut! Fuck him!

I'm shaking.

Hello. Sorry to bother you.

I'm Harpix, from the State Council for Imposed

Homosexuality Conflicts. We're checking

To help solve any possible problems.

Well, I'm leaving.

Come in.

Sit down!

-Should I sit here? -Yes.

When I heard about the imposed homosexuality order.

I thought: "imposible", not with a man!

The first time was hard for all of us.

Yes.

Eight days have passed and I haven't missed a night!

A drink?

A glass of sweet wine. Is it possible?

And, you know?

Now it's no longer so... unpleasant.

Great! I mean,

So what's the problem?

How can it be so easy

To screw a guy?

Well, not any man,

Only with roundish, short,

Hairy men.

Could I be turning gay

Because of that order?

No, no way!

Imposed Homosexuality was experimented with mice,

And has no side effects.

Oh, good.

I feel better.

-You're just like Mom. -What a thing to say.

You're just saying that to make me happy!

-What a jewel of a boy! -Look.

I don't lie.

True. What a pretty woman, Oedipus.

It's true.

And it isn't false modesty, you know?

-I know. -Take it easy.

And that... aphrodite, is she dead?

Dead? No!

She's at the Acropolis, with the other women.

She left me alone with my Dad.

I don't love my Dad, I hate him.

Tell me about it, Oedipus!

He always gets between my mother and I.

-I could kill him! -Don't say that, kid!

He can't be all bad.

Dad, look.

Isn't he just like Mom?

Out of here Oedipus, off to your room!

-Run along son, obey. -But Dad...

I said get out!

I was just about to leave.

You stay put!

-Yes? -Yes.

Well...

Of course.

Have you eaten or shall I cook you something?

Like now,

The Amazons

Only recognised the maternal offspring,

And Lisipe commanded the men to do the housework,

While the women fought and ruled.

Everything ok? Yes?

Lisistrata! Lisistrata! Lisistrata!

A squad of soldiers just passed.

-So? -The pricks!

-Sorry. The pricks. -What about the pricks?

-Well, they're not... -Not what?

They're not...

-Are you sure? -Yes.

They must be recruited mercenaries.

How are they paid?

We have the treasury vaults.

Come with me!

Sabrina!

Sabrina!

Would you be willing

To do Lisistrata a big favour?

Of course Lisi, whatever you want. I'll do

Anything you want!

This morning something

Funny happened on the battleground.

Don't know if I should tell you.

Go on.

Thermos,

You have to promise you won't tell anyone.

I promise, Bonus.

I was fighting face to face with a Spartan...

Soon we'll demolish those asses.

-I fought better than him. -Of course,

-The weakest Athenian beats the strongest Spartan.

I knocked him down, and when he was defenceless

And at my mercy I raised my lance

And...

He...

He looked at me

Frightened,

Those dark, black eyes,

So mysterious...

He seemed, how should I say?

Very beautiful.

-Very what? -Very handsome.

More than me? A shitty Spartan?

Well, this one was.

Sorry, but I couldn't kill him.

I let him live.

You what?

Well I left him there and went off to fight elsewhere.

But then,

He came up to me,

And gave me a note.

And you took it?

And read it.

It said that...

He'd like to know me better...

We're meeting tomorrow

On the battleground.

I hope...

I hope that with this chaos of war

We have the chance and time

To get a little friendly,

Secretly.

If he gets killed

I'll die!

-My love, are you there? -My wife!

-Are you women back from the Acropolis?

It's me,

Your Sabrinita.

Precisely now, I can't believe it!

Shut up and hide!

-Where? -In the large vase.

-Do you think I'm Diogenes? -Come on!

If she catches me with a woman...

-A woman? -Well, with a man.

Sabrina!

Thermos!

What a surprise!

I've missed you so much, dear husband of mine

I imagine, I imagine.

Listen,

Why don't we

Walk to the Pireo, like when we were lovers?

A walk?

You scoundrel!

Sabrina, Sabrina, Sabrina!

Sabrina. Sabrina!

The Pireo is lovely

With the boats, the moon. No pushing!

Since when do you trim your beard, you rascal?

You're so cute!

So you're back from the Acropolis?

No, the strike's still on.

But I have contacts.

Lisi.

Lisistrata's my best friend,

You know?

So she's given me a few hours to...

To?

To play with you.

You rascal!

Poor thing!

It must have been awful without me.

One gets used to everything.

What?

The helmet!

Are you impatient, my love?

Well...

You'll see it's been worth waiting.

I'll eat you up!

I don't want you to break the strike

And betray the women

For my sake.

Sabrina,

Cool it, huh?

You don't have to try so hard.

Ahh... the smell of a man.

You're squashing me!

I'm not in the mood!

Stop it dammit!

I need to unwind.

Unwind!

What does that mean?

Well, that nothing happened!

Did he have a hard-on or not?

It was

As gushy as a goose liver.

It isn't funny!

I've spent seven years controlling myself,

Saving it for my wedding night

Then he returns from war, and this sex strike,

And like all women, I abstain.

I had to bang my Thermos on the head.

You saw it Papila,

Remember? He ran out naked.

He used to desire me.

And now...

Iike a goose liver.

Women of Athens,

Today, at nightfall,

Lampito and I will go down to see what's going on.

No.

It's impossible, you're a damned Spartan and I'm...

-Be quiet. -And I...

You're a damned Athenian.

Be quiet now.

Not now.

Not a soul on the streets. Not even a squad.

Over there.

What's that?

The Adonis Club, a gay dive.

I'd never seen it so lively.

Let's investigate.

Don't you think they'll recognize us?

If you're chicken, go back up with the women.

Why are you so crabby? Of course I'm scared.

If they catch us I warn you it won't be any fun.

Sorry Lampito, sorry,

But I'm furious. Something's gone wrong.

If it's what I'm thinking we're in for trouble.

You won't believe it, but on the dance floor.

I've already seen three Spartans.

Hello. What would the gentlemen like?

Two double ouzus, love. No ice.

Sorry. Sorry. Scram.

Noble Ajax!

What? Can't you see I'm eating dinner?

Pass the salt dear.

Noble Ajax,

Kleenex, the Spartan Councillor

Is here!

Why wasn't he stopped?

The guards at the Grand Door

Were busy.

Kleenex is here!

Mirón, quick.

Bring my gala uniform

And the damned helmet!

A meeting on the highest level. A summit.

How exciting!

But, what can I

Put on?

Busy all day as substitute mother.

It's non-stop. Dusting, the dishes,

The laundry, mending and milking.

-Milking the cows silly! -Yes, but do you enjoy it?

I've always dreamed of having a home.

It's marvellous. In the morning the father's

Off to war!

And I stay with my son, Oedipus,

Hours and hours of motherly love.

And at night the father comes back.

What a guy! He attacks me, and in five minutes

He has got me flat out.

More wine!

It's Domestos, leader of the Spartacus Radical Gay Front!

The most popular Queen in Sparta.

Hepatitus,

You're a genious.

-And forget me, huh? -Later.

Silence.

Kleenex, the Spartan Councillor

Has come to Athens to sign a Peace Treaty

With Councillor Ajax!

Hello.

Li... Lisistrata!

You creepy queen!

But, what's the matter?

-Back off! Or I'll chop it off.

-You've ruined my plans. -I said back off!

We only wanted to contribute to your cause.

Some contribution, screwing honest husbands!

There's no reason to get so excited, Lisistrata.

We were just as worried as you about peace.

-But your plan failed... -My plan was perfect!

Yes, yes, sure,

But you'll admit a little push was needed, huh?

Look, now,

Athenians and Spartans exchange affection

And don't attack each other

Iike they used to.

Lisistrata,

At least we have peace.

Shall we bring out some muscatel?

You must wonder why I've come, noble Ajax.

I'm listening,

Kleenex.

The women have occupied the treasury vaults for weeks.

We have no military budget.

I know.

Plus, it's impossible to continue a war

With soldiers smooching instead of killing,

As is commanded.

You said it, it's a catastrophe.

We should face

The facts bravely

And sign for peace

Before peace imposes itself.

So be it.

Come here!

-Hello. -Hello, how are you?

What a lovely outfit, Busybody.

Great! Now that our darlings are at peace

We can be friends.

Sibando, from Aristides, did good blow jobs,

But, -oh, Alexis-,

He rebelled...

He rebelled on me...

Whore!

You drive me crazy!

Between women, is there any chance

That the women could stay at the Acropolis for ever?

-None. -But, why, Lisistratita?

They could all become lesbians.

Ducklings!

Do you think one becomes a lesbian in two days?

Plus... being wife and mother

Can be fun for a week or two, or three

But I couldn't stand a bastard husband

For long, for a lifetime, let me tell you.

How I understand those housewives!

Then there's the reproduction bit.

Although we could do imposed insemination.

And then send the boys to the city,

And the girls to the Acropolis.

What a good idea Hepatitus!

Tell me, in this perfect world

Where are you?

With the men or the women?

With the men!

-With the men! -Don't you see?

It's the same for the women.

It's getting light.

It's hilarious.

-Look at them totter! -They've been caught!

They've been raped!

-They're drunk! -They were forced to drink!

I'm falling!

Get out of the way!

Now me, now me!

Hi, Palas,

We're back.

Can't hear you!

That...

We're back...

And we have good news

And bad news.

First the good news!

Last night

Kleenex, the Spartan councillor and our Ajax

Officially

Ended the war.

Good!

And this is the bad news.

Have you trimmed your beard?

-Do you like it? -Yes!

-I like your curls. -There aren't many left.

-They're in the right place! -Cinesias!

Mirrina!

Who is she? Is she your wife?

Mirrina, I...

If your wife is back, mine must...

I'd better go. See you, Cinesias.

See you.

Mirrina!

Mirrina, don't worry,

We were just following orders,

Pure routine.

Darling!

Darling!

Terrine!

Terrine.

What are these pigs doing in my bed?

Terrine, this is Kleenex,

Councillor of Sparta.

-My wife, Terrine. -Pleased to meet you.

Get out! Everyone out of my house!

Terrine, relax. Relax.

He's the general boss of all Spartans.

His presence in our house is of great political value!

I don't give a shit who he is. Get out!

Hepatitus.

Hepatitus.

Hepatitus,

Please take me with you.

If you insist.

Are you crying?

-What's the matter? -I'm so moved that you

Want to stay with me.

I'm so happy,

So full of love.

Don't worry about my tears.

You know

How sensitive mothers are.

Hepatitus!

It'll never be the same without you, Hepatitus.

But, Harpix,

Now I have to

Solve your problems.

Yes, yes. I've met a boy, the one from the store

Great!

-Now what? -I don't know what to say.

I can't go back to Sparta. The women would lynch me!

I'm not going to stay in Athens either.

Why have the Gods decided things should be like this?

Men rule the world

And women put up with everything.

Moreover, those wretches adore those bastards

And love having babies with them,

Future beasts like their fathers.

What a shitty system.

But sooner or later it will collapse.

It's our fate.

Only women can change it.

You got it! Who do the Gods think they are?

Lampito, dear, don't forget the main issue.

What?

Zeus,

Father of all Gods, is a guy.

Yes, Lisitrata,

I'm the most macho of the universe.

And if I come down from Olympus

I'll show you and your friend.

After I'm through with the two of you,

You'll never be lesbians again.

Let's go, Lampito.

Where?

There's always the island of Lesbos.

It looks like they won't be back, huh?

Six tits at once, six tits at one...

-Enrico. -What?

Has anyone told you...

That you have a special gaze?

Yes. Yes, they have.

Tetoceto.

Teto, the prick...

Huh... the dead leaves are digging in.

Don't worry, at first it hurts a little, but...

Okay, okay.