Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

When the baby was born,

I promised Karen I'd quit smoking,

but I didn't know how.

Well, that's when a friend of mine recommended "O'Dweeds".

It's the first brand of marijuana with no THC.

So, it's like O'Doul's, but for weed.

Now I can get that full reefer aroma,

without any of the guilt.

(gurgling)

Shotgun, little buddy!

Oh, honey, I think he likes it.

This reminds me of when I was a girl

and I used to smoke grass with all the negro jazz musicians.

Come on, Martha, now, puff, puff, give.

Come on, you old bitch.

(man) "O'Dweeds",

all the reefer, none of the guilt.

(tapping)

(Jamaican accent) I know what you're thinking,

but it's "O'Dweeds", man.

Can I hit that?

Go on, take it.

Tastes like the chronic, and yet it's not.

Wrong bag, man.

(tires screeching)

Forget about your reefer needs, go ahead and try "O'Dweeds".

From the makers of the "Crack Patch".

(cheers & applause)

(announcer) Dave Chappelle...!

Hey!

What's up?

Hey, guys.

Y'know, uh, my wife's little cousin, Andrew,

put me onto these And 1 mix tapes,

you ever seen those?

It is like the hottest thing you ever seen.

These basketball tapes is the bomb.

They got some of the nastiest street players

I've ever seen in my life.

Go ahead, show 'em some of that And 1.

(audience laughing)

(audience) Whoo!

Whoo!

(cheers & applause)

Aw, that was just nasty!

Now...

as dope as that was,

the new And 1 mix tape kills it 'cause it does all sports,

not just basketball, and it's off the hook.

Check it out, I'm serious.

It only seems like I get everything that I want

I spit a lot of verbs...

Oh, ho!

No, he didn't, no, he didn't!

(laughter)

(hollering)

Yo, yo, you ain't seen nothing.

Wait 'til you see him hit, wait 'til you see him hit!

Wait 'til you see him hit!

I think it's a distorted mind but in a way fortified

on the borderline with so much more to find.

A distorted mind but in a way fortified

on the borderline with so much more to find.

The force is mine.

This source is sure to shine...

(laughter)

Not your average human being the flow is streaming...

(cheering & hollering)

...flow with the feeling it's so appealing...

(crowd) Oh...!

Watch this!

Watch him, watch him!

...strictly game, I never miss the pain.

And though people say I'm insane,

mangle the game, the angle is to strangle the game

and handle the change and stay sane and maintain...

(hollering)

That's the baddest motherfucker I ever seen in my life!

And not to be stopwatched.

Yo, with every ounce of friendship

I support and back the rhythm.

And every track I give 'em, I'm just supporting factivism.

In your face...

(cheering & hollering)

He jogs at beginner pace while I win the race.

Tip... Lap a flow-flow...

I'm fun and being simple so I had a test of decency.

Hit the studio and fuckin' manifest the frequency.

Get to truly know us

and you'll get to see what we can see...

(cheering and hollering)

In your face!

Give me a pocket full of cheese for these club rats

and a big bag of treats for these club rats.

Yo, fresh dressed like a million bucks.

Put on my white glow and my all-white tux.

Smellin' like some angel

in case my dick get sucked.

You know that usually happens in the back of the truck.

If I'm packin' you duck...

(cheering & hollering)

My dogs all ready to bark.

One of my niggers said he drunk so much

he already about to fall...

Yeah...!

Oh!

Man, you the sickest motherfucker

I ever seen in the alley, son!

Wait 'til you see him play defense,

you ain't seen nothin', yo!

(hollering)

Oh!

Yo, stay on your knees for these club rats.

Don't forget the cheese 'cause they love that.

Give me a pocket full of cheese for these club rats

and a big bag of treats for these club rats...

(chanting) Gutterballs, gutterballs...

(cheering & hollering)

(cheers & applause)

We're gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all,

but don't despair,

we have jokes and jokes and jokes and jokes.

I drooled on myself.

Yo, this Talib Kweli, BK MC.

And this is Mos Def, Pretty Flaco,

Black Dante, The Boogieman.

I don't know about y'all, but I used to play

a lot of basketball on the playground, growing up.

And every time I would do something sweet or cool,

I would shout out my favorite basketball player

'cause I felt like him, you ever do that?

(grunting)

Jordan...

(laughing)

Well, nowadays, we know so much about NBA players,

not only can we do that on the basketball court,

we can do that in our everyday lives.

And I'll show you how.

Kobe...

you're under arrest.

Rasheed Wallace.

Damon Stoudamire.

My point is, Stevenson,

you're gonna have to show a little more effort around here.

More effort, huh?

Sprewell...

Paul Pierce... Oh, ah.

When are you gonna come and claim these kids?

Every pro athlete ever.

Wilt Chamberlain.

Dennis Rodman.

Oh, hell, no.

OJ...

(cheers & applause)

Hey, guys.

Now, recently...

recently, People magazine actually said that my show was

uh, "sub-sophomoric and immature."

Something like that.

I don't know why they would say that I'm immature.

But if you think that my show is immature,

then I would like to dedicate this next piece

to whoever wrote that article at People.

(tapping)

(fart)

(fart)

Oh... Lord...

(fart)

(fart)

Di-ar-rhe-a

(cheers & applause)

Diarrhea!

Chappelle's Show, ow.

Hi, and welcome to "Trading Spouses",

the show where we take two married couples,

and you guessed it,

make them trade spouses for a whole month.

Watch the sparks fly today,

because for the first time on our show,

we're going interracial.

(man) Daddy's going away for a little while, all right?

I'm gonna live with a white family.

Y'all be good.

What you goin' be doin' with a white family?

It's a TV show, say hi to America.

Anybody try and touch your mother,

punch him in his dick.

Look, son, dad's going away for a few weeks.

So, I want you to be good, okay, squirt?

Whatever.

I love you.

Oh, Eskimo kisses.

You must be little T-Mart.

Would you like to call me daddy, hmm?

Is it okay if I call you Mr. Deez?

Mr. Deez?

Deez nuts!

I-I don't understand.

What's happenin'?

You must be Leonard.

That's right.

Can I call you daddy?

Hell no.

Only your mama calls me daddy.

Here, mop top, take my bag up to my room.

And if I find out you been going through my shit,

I'm gonna beat you in your ass, you understand?

Hmm.

Well, welcome, it's good to have you here.

It's good to be here, come on, girl.

Oh... oh, yes.

I don't smell no dinner cooking.

Run on, make some grits.

Run on.

What you cookin' for dinner, mister?

Oh, yeah, well, I'm glad you asked, little buddy.

Um, this here is cauliflower.

This is corned beef hash.

And these are parsnips.

What the fuck is a parsnip?

Leonard, just so you know,

Todd would usually do the dishes after dinner.

Well, just so you know,

his ass will be back april 13th.

Go on, do your thing, girl.

Mop top...

you do your homework?

Yeah.

Well, go on upstairs and wash your ass

and then we'll watch Martin Lawrence.

Want me to light your cigarette for you too?

You better check your tone, girl,

get your inside voice on

before I put your ass outside, mm.

Racial profiling?

Who the fuck is Renee "Zellwedger"?

What's wrong, sweetie?

T-Mart's been back-talking me,

and I need you to take care of it for me.

T-Mart...

excuse me, I'll be right back.

All right.

You're in big trouble, mister.

What, you gonna hit me or something?

You're going on time-out.

For 15 minutes, okay?

Yeah...

Starting now, T-Mart.

Time-out!

Time-out is sweet!

Halle Berry, here I come.

(rap music booming)

Hey, mop top!

What the hell you listening to?

It's the new 50 Cent.

I'm from the streets, man.

G-g-g-g-g-g... G-Unit.

Come on, get in the car.

G-g-g-g-g-g... get yo' ass in the car, go on!

Well, here you are, mop top, home sweet home, the 'hood.

All right, little fella,

say hello to your people for me.

And tell 'em when you see 'em,

that Leonard Washington is glad he made it out, go on.

Go on.

G-g-g-g-g-g... good-bye.

And if you need money, sell rocks,

I heard that's what they do around here.

What the hell is this?

Damn, bitch, what's this, a light saber or something?

Night-night.

Hmm.

Do you wanna have sex with me, Todd?

Yes, I would like that very much.

Okay.

Oh!

Uh, excuse me.

Do you mind if I turn off this R&B music?

I kinda wanna hear you breathing.

Okay. All right.

Uh, do you wanna take off your pajama bottoms?

Actually, I'd feel more comfortable if I just

pulled my penis through this hole.

I'm sorry, baby, I don't go South of the border.

That's just one thing that Leonard Washington don't do.

But... but, Leonard, it's okay, I'm waxed.

Damn!

Now, I done heard of trimming the hedges,

but you done scorched the earth.

(sniffing)

I smell your light saber.

Light saber?

(buzzing)

Leonard and I hardly even talk anymore.

The other night he came home at three in the morning.

I had no idea where he was.

He uses profanity around Jeffrey.

I just don't feel like we're sharing.

I don't feel like there's any reciprocity there.

(therapist) How do you feel about all this, Leonard?

Bitch, I'll never forgive you for this.

Go on, get in the car, warm it up.

This is good, you can let out

whatever you feel in here, Leonard.

All right, I'ma tell you right now, I ain't crazy,

I don't need no psychiatrist.

And if you ever tell anybody I've been in here,

I'll fuckin' kill ya.

It's confidential here, Leonard.

I won't tell anyone, it's just between us.

Well then, confidentially,

I am crazy, and I'll fuckin' kill ya.

Well, it's been a wild and crazy month.

Let's see what our interracial families have learned.

I learned a lot from Sharron

and I learned a lot from little T-Mart.

And quite frankly, I'll miss them both very much.

And for the first time in my life...

I tasted brown sugar, and not in my oatmeal.

(chuckles)

Yeah, being on this show taught me that,

no matter where you come from, you know what I'm saying?

Or what color your skin is,

we all pretty much do the same things in life.

Raise our kids, make love from time to time, and wash.

Speaking of which,

I learned that white people don't use washcloths.

Did you know that?

I'm serious, they have one bar of soap in the house.

Every time I used it, somebody else's pubic hair was in it.

So use the cloth.

Why your ass got to put the raw bar of soap

in your butt and all this?

Maybe I need to wash my face or my feet.

Todd and Leonard are very different.

Although Len is the love of my life,

in a different world, I could see myself with Todd.

Although the penis-through-the-hole thing

was kind of weird.

And I am missing some of my draw's.

Oh...

Oh, my gosh... Ho-ho.

Titty residue...

Hello... hello?

We're gonna take a quick commercial break,

but don't go anywhere 'cause we're coming right back

with more Chappelle's Show, I promise.

So I got a little riddle for you.

What happens when you take two of Brooklyn's finest MCs

and put them together in a group?

Well, then you have my next guests.

Make some noise, Mos Def, Talib Kweli... Black Star.

(cheers & applause)

This is a real nigga PSA.

From the Black Star embassy in Brooklyn

entitled "What is Beef?"

Yo, I was sold to a sick European by a rich African.

Battlin' middle passages I can't go back again.

Battlin' years of denied history,

lives were mysteries, wise and misty eyes

watchin' they niggas be beaten viciously.

Battled in the wilderness of North America.

Ran by the river only stoppin' to pray.

Chased by predators, terrorists with etiquette

who vote and kill their president.

Their capacity for evil so evident and prevalent.

Ain't no hesitation involved. A nation dissolved

while we sit back waitin' to evolve.

Those who would trade in their freedom for their protection

deserve neither. Fuck a name.

Fuck tradition, religion, we learn Jesus,

turn the other cheek, inherit the earth

just stay meek. Fuck the way you speak.

Try to walk we chop off your feet.

Fast forward to 2003 niggas beef, the psychology.

A Trojan, a slave that run deep, yo.

Hell, yeah Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.

What's beef?

Hell, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.

That's beef.

Hell, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's always your own people.

Sometime it's your own people Yeah, yeah.

Hell, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.

What's beef?

Hell, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.

That's beef.

Hell, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's always your own people. Sometime it's your own people.

Yo, beef is not what Jay said to Nas.

Beef is when workin' niggas can't find jobs.

City tryin' to find niggas to rob.

Tryin' to find bigger guns so they can finish the job.

Beef is when the crack kids can't find moms

'cause they in a pine box or locked behind bars.

Beef ain't the Summer jam for Hot 97.

Beef is the cocaine and AIDS epidemic.

Beef don't come with a radio edit.

Beef is when the judge is calling you defendant.

Beef, it come with a long jail sentence

handed down to you in a few short minutes.

Beef is when your girl come through for a visit

talkin' about, "I'm pregnant by some other nigga."

Beef is high blood pressure and bad credit.

Need a loan for your home and you're too broke to get it.

And all your little kids is doin' is gettin' bigger.

You try not to raise 'em around these wild niggas.

Beef is when a gold digger got your seed in her,

a manicured hand out like "pay me, nigga...

"or I'm tellin' your wife

or startin' up some foul rumor that'll ruin your life."

Beef is when a gangsta ain't doin' it right

and other gangstas then decided

what to do with his life.

Beef is not what these famous niggas do on the mic.

beef is what George Bush would do in a fight.

Beef is not what Ja said to 50.

Beef is Walt and Irv not bein' here with me.

When a soldier ends his life with his own gun,

beef is tryin' to figure out what to tell his son.

Beef is oil prices and geopolitics.

Beef is Iraq, the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

Some beef is big and some beef is small,

but what y'all call beef is no beef at all.

Beef is real life, happenin' every day

and it's realer than them songs that you dated K-Slay.

This has been a Black Star PSA.

From Mos Def Pretty Flaco, Black Dante

and the Black Star embassy B to the K.

(cheers & applause)

I'd like to thank my guests,

Black Star, Mos Def and Talib Kweli.

God bless y'all, God bless America,

God bless the world 'cause we're in trouble.

I'm out, I'll see you next year, God willin'!

(cheers & applause)

I'm rich, bi-atch! (horn honking)

Hi, thank you.

Hold still, I'm gonna get you!

I got it, I got it!

I'll rip the...

Oh, you ripped my wig off.

That's a good bit, we planned that.

Greatest show I've ever seen in my life.

I-I don't think that this is gonna work.

You're so much older than I am.

How old are you?

I'm 35.

I'm 27.

Damn!