Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Whoo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(cheering)

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

Good evening.

Welcome back, guys, how ya been?

Guys, I was out last night, had a pretty good time,

and I saw that mad dash.

You know, the mad dash at the end of the night

when guys are really scrambling to get some booty?

And it's like a game,

and the shot clock is running out.

It's like football or something.

Well, if you come up under incredible odds,

that means that you've had a Great Moment

in Hook-Up History, and I salute you,

and I salute all who have had a Great Moment

in Hook-Up History.

(narrator) 1983, historic Applecrumby's,

the setting for yet another classic stand-off between

sworn rivals,

just the sort of stand-off that creates classic

hook-up moments.

Bobby Hutchinson had spent the night

trying to rush his way to pay dirt, Gina Morris.

Both prior attempts by Bobby were stuffed

by the tough defensive line that Morris traveled with,

left guard, Carol Deitrich,

and right guard, Denisha "Bear" Bryant,

a tandem that had racked up 14 cock blocks just a year earlier.

With the defense momentarily sidelined,

Bobby struck quickly, approaching the coveted Morris

and winning her over with one of his hysterical

video game references.

You give me Pac-Man fever.

(gobbling)

With the defense returning and time running out,

Bobby went into his hurry-up offense.

Slowly but surely, Hutchinson wore down the defensive line

with shots up the gut.

With time running out,

Hutchinson went for the game-winning score.

Gina, why don't you just come home with me?

No, we promised each other we'd all leave here together.

His attempt was blocked.

But Hutchinson recovered the block and exploited

the defense's biggest weakness.

You know, I got some pizzas at the crib.

All right.

Pizza?

I don't want no pizza.

And some weed, too.

Weed? A'ight, yeah.

Hutchinson knew he was home free.

Victory was assured.

That night, Bobby and Gina had drunken sex

on top of her two passed-out friends,

technically making it a four-way.

Bobby Hutchinson, yet another great player responsible

for a Great Moment in Hook-Up History.

Them clothes were a throwback.

I look like Turbo from Breakin'.

I really got into that character, too.

'Cause after we was done shooting, I cleaned up the set.

I'm serious, they rolled camera on it.

And now, folks, it is time for a segment that I like

to call "Real Movies,"

where you show the real version of what would happen in some

of our favorite movies.

You know, a lot of these movies

get to be a little fake and phony,

like you see home alone,

and Macaulay Culkin is trickin' these bad guys,

when you know any real robber would've shot the little dude

in the first five minutes, roll credits, the end.

So we like to show what would really happen in some

of our favorite movies,

starting tonight with The Matrix.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

(man) Hello, Neo, do you know who this is?

Morpheus?

Yes, I've been looking for you, Neo.

I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you,

but, unfortunately, you and I have run out of time.

They're coming for you, Neo,

and I don't know what they're going to do.

Who's coming for me?

Stand up and see for yourself.

I can guide you out of there,

but you must do exactly as I say.

Okay.

The cubicle across from you is empty.

Go, now!

Stay there.

When I tell you, go to the end of the hall.

Stay as low as you can.

Now.

(farting)

There is a black man sitting at a desk directly to your right.

Look at him.

Morpheus?

Psyche!

It's Earl, nigga, I need your stapler.

I can't find mine.

Hello, dumb-dumb, do you know who this is?

(laughing)

Dude, you totally got me.

Whoa...

(laughing)

All right, gang, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back with Chappelle's Show.

(cheers and applause)

You know, folks, in an earlier episode,

we were talking about just the entrepreneurship

of all these hip-hop cats, man.

These rappers got their hands in everything.

So I'm home the other day, and I caught this commercial...

I don't know if y'all have seen it...

but this bugged me out.

(announcer) The most precious thing in the world

is the financial security and well-being of your family.

You wanna send your little ones to the best schools,

and in the end,

know that you've left them with peace of mind.

Nowadays we all know that cash rules everything around us:

Cream, get the money, dollar-dollar bill, y'all.

That's why it's time to enter the 36 Chambers.

Come step to the "Wu", Wu-Tang Financial.

At Wu-Tang Financial, we'll work with you

to devise the best plan for you and your fam.

I mean, Smith Barney...

bunch of bitches.

Old-time farts.

You gotta know how to jack this shit.

You gotta play this game rough.

In, out, get, grab, bonk.

You need to diversify your bonds, nigga.

Military shit is blowin' up.

We about to go to war, invest in some nuclear bombs.

This ain't Trading Places, nigga.

This is real fucking life!

Protect your goddamn neck, a'ight?

Wu-Tang Financial, a place for you and your kids.

All of our trusted consultants are here to meet your needs.

Unfortunately, the Ol' Dirty Bastard couldn't make it today,

but he sends his regards: Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da.

So call us,

because at the end of the day,

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

step to the "Wu", Wu-Tang Financial.

Now, who could forget the timeless classic, Pretty Woman,

where Julia Roberts plays a prostitute

that lucks up and meets a millionaire,

and they fall in love?

Well, let's see what would happen in the real version

of Pretty Woman.

I worked at a couple of fast-food places.

Parked cars at wrestling.

I couldn't pay the rent.

And I was too ashamed to go home.

That's when I met Kit.

She was a hooker and made it sound so great.

Okay.

You've gotta get the fuck outta here.

Hey, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

and I promise we'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show.

The greatest show.

Hey, gang.

Hey, hey, welcome back.

You know, folks,

I'm really tryin' to encourage dialogue

amongst the diverse array of people in America,

so it's time again for "Ask A Black Dude"

with none other than comedian, Paul Mooney.

Why in the movies is the black guy the first guy killed?

That happy nigga that's in that movie where

he heals all white people, the big black runaway.

He was throughout the whole movie.

He only got killed at the end...

which I hated, I hated that movie

'cause I hated him, and I hated everybody

that wrote that movie.

Black people are always worried about, like in Barbershop.

They better be worried about what they say in white films.

White films go all over the world.

'Cause I remember the Godfather,

and I won't forget the...

when they had the drug scene and they said,

"well, we don't do that, sell it to the niggers."

They shoulda had somethin' to say about that.

Are your cameras still on?

Black people wanna go to black dentists,

and do black people wanna get buried by black...

undertakers?

That's funny, Stephen King.

He almost said, "nigger," I read between 'em.

I always thought dentists were dentists.

I wasn't into black and white dentists, please.

If they can fix the teeth, cool. If they can't, that's cool, too.

That's kind of a weird question,

and coming from Stephen King, that was very strange.

Having a horror man come on and ask a question about a nigger.

That was already scary.

I wrote a script for Stephen King.

I have a Stephen King horror movie...

Nigger With A Brain.

We'll see how that scare people.

Niggers In School, how 'bout that, Stephen?

Sex, sex, sex.

See, the thing about sex is there's good sex

and there's bad sex.

This next piece is a special report on some bad sex.

And I mean bad like Catholic priest, R. Kelly bad.

(announcer) And now a News Center 3 special report with Chuck Taylor.

Good evening, I'm Chuck Taylor.

Tonight's top story...

Outrage throughout the community as yet another sex scandal

involving boys and men of authority.

Who is it this time, you ask?

Jedi knights in a galaxy far, far away.

Many of them are coming forward with allegations

that the Jedi masters they studied under

repeatedly sexually molested them over a number of years

and that the Jedi Council knew about it all along,

in some cases, encouraging the abuse.

To clarify, Jedi knights like young Luke Skywalker

being sexually abused by Jedis like Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Okay, we're getting word that council leader Yoda

is having a press conference right now at Skywalker Ranch.

We go there now.

(reporters shouting)

You.

Yoda, isn't it true you knew of these abuses in 1977?

Know about sex with boys, Yoda did not.

Tired Yoda is.

Resign he will.

(shouting)

You, you.

Yoda, then how do explain the recently uncovered tape

that seems to implicate you in the cover-up

of Jedi boy touching?

Yoda that was not.

Then who was it?

Mickey Rooney, maybe?

Over this interview is.

Can we roll the footage of that tape in question?

Appalling Yoda's behavior was.

Damn it!

Now that freak has me talking like him.

Okay, I'm being told now that Mace Windau, Yoda's replacement,

is now at the podium.

We go live.

I would just like to say that this council has zero tolerance

for any sexual deviancy regarding our Jedi knights.

(shouting)

Question here.

Mace, do you feel that the Jedis

who committed these kind of crimes deserve to die?

Yes, they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!

Strong words from Mr. Windau.

News Center 3 has been covering this story for some time,

and earlier today, I caught up with the former Jedi knight

who first made these allegations.

My master said the force was strong in me...

and gave me a wine cooler.

Then he made me wear a blindfold

and reach into his pants to...

"look for the force."

Are you sighing, or are you just... breathing normally?

I don't even know anymore!

Son, I know this is difficult for you, but...

could you show me on the doll where he touched you?

Point it out.

(breathing heavily)

Can we cut tape?

Miguel, you heard the man.

Cut the goddamn tape! Just cut it!

I was just young and curious.

(sobbing)

We may never know what really happened, but...

people on the street have been reacting

to this news all day.

This never would've happened in the world of Star Trek

'cause the fleet commanders would not have allowed...

you can't prove that!

(screaming)

A simple statement of protest from an angry young geek.

When we come back...

gay droid marriage, should it be legalized?

This queer couple says yes.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

Please, don't go anywhere.

Chappelle's Show. Oww.

Hey, guys, I wanna thank you all for being with me tonight.

I'd like to thank you at home for tuning in.

You guys are the greatest.

I'll see you next week, God willin'.

I'm out.

(cheers and applause)

I'm rich, bi-atch!

(horn honking)

Hi, thank you.

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.