Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Ow.

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Whoo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(announcer) You've seen them at Mardi Gras and on Spring Break.

Now, see them as you've never seen them before,

in the wilds of Africa!

That's right, available for the first time on home video,

it's National Geographic's "Third-World Girls Gone Wild!"

No collection of videos showing girls

lifting their shirts up is complete

without National Geographic's "Third-World Girls Gone Wild."

Call now.

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

Hey!

(applause)

Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

You know, folks, uh, it's Oscar season,

and, uh, I don't know who's gonna win,

but I gotta tell you,

the most moving film that I saw last year had to be

"Antwone Fisher".

Yes.

It was directed by Denzel Washington,

but, but more noteworthy than that is

it was written by Antwone Fisher,

which is pretty deep.

I didn't know you were allowed to write a movie about yourself.

I mean, you know what I mean?

The temptation to lie would be too strong for me

to do something like that.

Not that I'm a liar, but, man, this is a movie.

You gotta tell the legend.

So I bring to you now, "Dave Chappelle",

written by Dave Chappelle.

(announcer) Once in a great while,

a film comes along that changes the way

we think about ourselves.

(woman screaming)

(man) Last time, all right? Last time, now.

I want you to push push, Mrs. Chappelle.

I want you to push.

Aah...!

(coughing) Excuse me.

Aah! Ah...

(laughing)

That is one funny-ass kid.

Wacka-wacka!

(all laughing)

And look at the penis on him! It's bigger than mine!

What are you gonna name him?

I'm gonna call him Dave.

Dave? Dave Chappelle.

Watch your eye.

He set his sights on comedy, and would not be denied.

(theme from "8 Mile" playing)

Where you from? when you leavin'?

Nice shirt, Does it come in your size?

Do I come to your job

and smack the broom out your hand?

Something needs to happen with this comedy thing right now.

Jokes and jokes and jokes and jokes and ah-ha-ha-ha.

spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti.

8 Mile.

His skills took him to the top,

and allowed him to have sex with Janet Jackson,

Jennifer Lopez,

a bunch of the girls from the "Big Pimpin'" video

and Halle Berry.

That was great havin' sex in the shower, Halle Berry.

You drained my monster's balls.

Aw, girl... (cell phone ringing)

Oh, hold up, I'm getting a call, I'll be right back.

Hello?

(man) Hey, Dave, it's Eddie Murphy.

(man) And Richard Pryor.

Ah, what's up, y'all?

Hey, man, we were just talking

about how much funnier you are than us.

Y'all crazy, man.

Can you come have dinner with us, Dave?

I mean, really, please?

Could you, could you have some dinner?

Dinner tonight sounds great, Richard Pryor.

Really? Ha!

You gonna bring Halle? 'Cause that's a fine bitch.

Nah, son, that ain't no dinner thing.

Call me later, man.

Hey, Halle, how you gettin' home?

And all the time, he kept it real.

Did I tell y'all to sell drugs, huh?!

No, Hove did that!

So hopefully none of y'all have to go through that.

His amazing journey led him straight to the halls of power.

("America the Beautiful" playing)

Thanks for having me, Mr. Bush. I appreciate the invitation.

Well, son, your huge heart,

generosity and courage have saved America.

You're the champ.

I know I am.

I beat everybody I faced, and I'm still here.

I'm still standin', I'm still strong!

I'm bright.

Would you like to take a bath with my daughters?

They could learn something from you,

and I heard you have a 16-inch penis.

18, but who's countin'?

(both laughing)

Yeah, gimme one of them...

Yeah, thing there... did I get that right?

Yeah...

(laughing) No!

True story.

Hey, look, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

and we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

Thank you.

Ha-ha! Go ahead.

Welcome back, gang, welcome back.

Folks, in my ongoing effort to promote dialogue

amongst the diversity of Americans,

I have another segment I would like to bring to you.

A lot of you might, uh, have questions

that you want to ask gay people,

but you're afraid, again, 'cause you're afraid to ask.

So I gave people an opportunity to ask those questions,

as well,

and I got none other than Mario Cantone,

known as the gay guy on, um, "Sex and the City".

Matter of fact, he's just a gay guy in the city.

But he's also a fantastic comedian.

Please, ladies and gentlemen,

make some noise for Mario Cantone

and "Ask a Gay Dude."

All right, I would like to know

when a gay guy is performing oral sex,

is it better than a female?

Better, better... how the fuck do I know?

Next question!

It's better!

Hey, yo, I just got one question

for you fruity pants out there,

it's Bazaar Royale from Bloodline Records,

I wanna know, what is the rainbow about?!

What is the rainbow about?!

I'm not feelin' the rainbow! I'm not feelin' the rainbow!

Get back at me about that!

"Fruity pants", let me tell you something.

I'll put a band-aid over your left cheek

and make you my Nelly.

Fruity pants!

Since you're guys...

like, guys are always, like, after every chick...

so, since you're still a guy, but you like guys,

then, you'd be after every guy...

so, do you want me... now?

Do you want this?

You can't have this, but if you want...

I wanna know do you want this?

Oh-ho, you tease. You big tease.

Hold on one second.

(wretching & spitting)

I gotta tell you guys, man, uh,

my favorite TV show for the last few years

has been "The Real World".

Maybe real life is just more interesting than fake life,

I don't know what it is...

but that show moves me!

But the thing that makes me, like, mad about...

not mad, but I just don't like this about "The Real World,"

is, every few years, they always put a black guy

on there and try to make him look crazy.

Like, he'll freak out, you know, but it's like...

of course, he's gonna freak out.

You put him around six of the craziest white people

you can find,

and then expect him to live a normal life.

They would not like that if we made a show

where we put one white guy around six

of the craziest black people we could find,

would they?

Well, guess what?

I got a show just like that.

This is the true story of six motherfuckin' strangers...

bein' put in a motherfuckin' house...

and havin' their motherfuckin' lives taped...

find out what happens when people stop bein' all polite

and shit and start bein' real.

Mad real.

Mad Real World, son.

(all) Hoboken!

A'ight?

A'ight?

All right?

When I first entered the house, um, you know...

needless to say, I was a little surprised

to meet the other roommates.

Sorry, sorry.

How ya doin'?

What's up, baby?

(all arguing)

(woman) What? What? What? What?

Hey, what's goin' on? My name is Chad.

(coughing)

(muttering)

I don't hang out with many black people.

Who ordered pizza?

No, no, no, I, I... I'm your new roommate, right?

You wanna... you wanna room?

Nah, uh, all the beds is full.

You got to room with Tyree.

(Tyree) My name is Tyree, and, yeah,

I went to prison.

I'm... I'm your roommate, Chad.

Well, looky here, Chad,

for the entire period you in my room,

I better not catch you standin' up peein'.

You sit down when you pee, you understand?

Uh...

That's right.

Now, get your fat ass on out of here, white boy.

Nighty-night, keep your butthole tight.

Let me try on some cotton Dockers, ha-ha-ha.

What's the square root of this apartment?

He didn't know what he was getting himself into, you know?

We persevere

they gave us a job running the juice bar.

All right, enjoy. Thanks a lot.

I wasn't really crazy about the way

some of the other roommates, um, acted in the juice bar.

(coughing)

Look at me, America, I'm makin' juice.

I call this, "the Tron special."

Boo-ya!

This right here is the good shit.

Drip, drip, drip, drip...

it's just better in, uh...

get outta my face, nigga!

I'm making juice, all right?

Fine, fine, you make your juice, I don't know.

Whoa!

They didn't have much respect for the job.

(Tron) All right, all right.

Hold on, let me roll, one more roll, one more roll.

Hey, uh, guys, you know, uh...

we're here to work, not play.

You know, we can't have this conversation every day.

Hey!

Yo, what is your problem, man?!

Why you wanna work so hard, huh?!

Yeah, man, America wanna see us live, not work.

Look at me, America, look how Tron is living.

For the city...

Get your ass outta here, now!

This is a place of business...

Well, bring some juice back, nigga!

Sell me some juice, bitch, I'm thirsty!

Get me a Philly blunt, son.

And a banana cognac, biatch!

C'mon, a-clickety-clack, a-clickety-clack.

(sirens wailing)

Police, police, they comin' this way!

This way, come on, y'all!

Get my money! Hurry, get my money!

My girlfriend Katie came in from Maine,

so great to spend some quality time with her.

Hi, my name is Katie.

(Chad) I know we're still young,

but, I get the feeling that Katie, you know,

she might be the one.

Tyree made me really uncomfortable,

the way he was looking at me and Katie.

Something in his eyes that kind of scared me,

you know, and, uh... it wasn't appropriate.

...keep on doin' what you doin'.

And then there was that one night in my room.

(audience) Oh!

(Tyree) Say, nigga, get your ass up.

I need that bed. I got company.

My man, Lysol, fresh out the joint.

Yeah.

Hello, Lysol, no problem, Tyree.

C'mon, Katie, let's go.

No, nah, nah, son, ooh, she can stay.

No, you know what, Chad? I'm gonna stay here.

Lysol and Tyree, they're just genuinely nice guys.

What you waitin' for, man? Get your fat ass out of here

before I cut some bacon off your back.

Can we stop the tape?

(Lysol) What's up?

Yeah, we gonna send that back to the joint

so niggas know how we livin' out here,

you know what I mean?

I saw Katie with, uh, Tyree and Lysol,

and, um, I worked my way through it.

(Tyree) Do your thing there, doggy, yeah!

(sobbing) Oh, Katie...

Yo, could you hold it down?

We're tryin' to make love over here.

(Tron) Chappelle's Show. will be right back

with more "Mad Real World," biatch!

Turn on your TV. Ow.

What you gonna see?

(Tron) And, now, more "Mad Real World".

Um, it's good to be alone for a minute

in the confession room.

(laughing)

Niggas is wildin'!

(crowd yelling)

I remember that we were all joking around,

and Tron got me in a, uh... a sleeper hold.

Oh yeah!

(crowd yelling)

I'm king of the world!

I don't think he meant to hurt me, but, uh...

I don't, I'll be honest,

I don't remember a whole lot after that.

Sssss!

(crowd yelling)

(Tyree) We gonna take Chad upstairs,

you know what I'm sayin', and tuck him in.

Oh, okay, that's nice, yeah.

Be careful if you get a sleeper hold

because the next day your anus will really hurt.

You know, I'll admit it,

when my dad came by, I was a little bit concerned.

(Chad) Hey, guys, I'd like to introduce you all to my dad.

I brought some brownies.

Do they got weed in 'em?

No!

I felt bad for that white boy,

but his daddy shouldn't have looked at her like that,

so, you know?

...'Cause I don't like how you looked at me.

Why you gotta look at me like that?!

Zondra, I apologize.

I don't know how I'm looking at you.

Like that! Like what?!

Oh, look! Look, he doin' it!

I'll look over here!

Don't look at me!

He don't know how to talk to people.

Why you gotta be lookin' at me, white man?!

I'm not looking at anyone, if someone...

(grunting)

I've been stabbed!

Blah, blah...

Zondra, I've been stabbed...

and I don't know what I did!

You came in the house with six wild niggas,

that's what you did!

"I'm... I'm bleeding!"

(Chad) Hey, guys, what's going on out there?

(chatter and music)

(loud chatter continues)

Ha! I said, look...

enough!

(music stops)

What is wrong with you people?!

Can't you be quiet for one night?!

It's 1:30 in the morning and I have to get up early

to go to work, damn it!

Oh, this white boy's trippin', "you people?"

What the hell you mean, "you people?!"

I think we need to have a house meeting, y'all.

A'ight?

(stomping up stairs)

(Zondra) The reason why we called this house meeting is because

we just don't feel safe with you in the house anymore, Chad.

Are you serious?

I don't feel safe.

We feel as though you should leave, man... today.

I should leave?

Tyree, you... you stabbed my dad!

And you had sex with Katie.

Wait a minute, you got that all wrong.

I didn't have sex with Katie.

Lysol had sex with Katie.

I just filmed it.

No, Tyree, you had sex with me too.

Correction, I had sex with Katie.

And now you want me to leave?!

I mean, really, man,

we could just fuck you up.

But, you know, we tryin' to be, you know, comvenial about this.

But worse come to worse,

we reserve the right to fuck you up.

Right.

Fine, I... I guess I'll go.

Hey, Chad?

I had sex with Katie too, man.

Katie has some big-ass titties.

(laughing)

Ooooohhhhhh.

Aaahh. Oh oh.

Oh.

Oooooh.

Got that feelin'. Ooohhh.

Got that feelin'. Ooooh.

we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

and we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

How about that?

The greatest show.

Now, here to re-enact

one of my favorite "Real World" moments,

make some noise for my man,

David Broom from the New Orleans cast.

(cheers & applause)

What's up, maestro?

Take me there, son.

Take me there...

Oh, so baller!

You mind if I sing a little bit over that?

Yeah, man, go ahead.

Oh, yeah, you set 'em up nice, I'm gonna come in.

I'm gonna come in... watch how I do it.

(both) Squee-ba-boo dee-ba-boo-dee.

Squee-ba-boo-dee-ba-boo-ba.

Wquee-ba-boo-dee ba-boo-squee.

Squee-ba-boo. Squee-ba-boo-squee.

Squee-da squee-do.

(Broom) Squee-ah-ee-ah-ee.

Ow.

Squee-ah ee-ah-ee.

I-I-I

Aw, you lost me.

Come on be my baby tonight.

Oh, that's monster.

Come on be my baby tonight.

I've seen the way you've treated

other thugs you've been with.

She treat 'em bad, don't she?

Come on be my baby tonight.

She treated them thugs bad.

Come on be my baby tonight.

come on be my baby tonight.

Come on, you rotten bitch, be my baby!

...Other thugs you've been with

Come on be my baby tonight.

I would like to thank David Broom.

I would like to thank you at home

and you here in the studio.

God bless you all, and I'll see you next week.

I'm out.

(cheering and applause)

(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch!

(horn honks)

Hi, thank you.

What you doin', girl?

Huh, what you mean, what am I talkin' about, girl?

You know what I'm talkin' about.

Come over here so I can stick my chocolate

in your peanut butter.

(laughing)

What? Oh, I'm sorry...

No, no, pardon me, miss, I...

I understand, I didn't know it was an emergency.

Bitch, I'm tellin' ya!

I didn't know it was an emergency, I'm sorry!

All right! Hmm.

Chad, it's your moms.

She say something wrong with you grandmother.

She dead or something, my fault.

Bitch. Mommy?