Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Ow.

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Whoo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

Well, I'm a comedian, I travel a lot,

and needless to say... I get horny out there.

I'm a chronic masturbator.

I tried whacking off with my PC,

but I felt like it was just too much clickity-clack,

clickity-clack...

With my Mac, I mean, the video resolution is so clear,

I can see parts of the vagina that I didn't even know existed.

Labias and flabias and flip-flaps... man!

I'm a chronic masturbator.

I don't know what they make the keys out of,

but, whatever it is, it's non-stick.

And then with iTunes,

I can actually listen to some of my favorite music

while I'm masturbating.

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to mess with.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I love Internet porn.

(cheering and applause)

(man) Dave Chappelle...!

Ho...!

Hooray... Hooray for me.

You know, I'm glad y'all came.

Man, I'm glad that we're not cancelled yet.

We've been going hard.

Uh, tonight I wanted to tackle something kind of serious.

I don't know if anybody has seen me on Donahue recently.

Has anyone seen that? Thank God.

Didn't go quite as well as I thought it would

because I was unprepared.

The topic was "angry white men".

So they said, "well, let's get Dave Chappelle for that.

Maybe he'll be able to throw something in the conversation."

I said, "well, okay, I'll come over,"

'cause I'm thinking we're actually gonna have

a conversation, but what happens on these shows is all the guests

have an agenda, they come in there,

and they'll say the same things over and over again.

And I thought we was just gonna be talking,

so halfway through the show, I just gave up.

I have the tape,

I'll show you some of the tape.

It was embarrassing, man.

(man) You know what's happened?

Here's what's happened because of that thinking...

as well intentioned as it may be...

is you have taken the white people and you have,

"A", made them angry, and, "B", you talk...

White people talk amongst each other...

When they see a black person

in a job in a company,

they say, "he is an affirmative action hire... "

(imitating nasally) "He's an affirmative action hire."

That's a lot better than saying,

"hey, that nigga's homeless".

I'd much rather be called "an affirmative action hire"

than "broke and unemployed".

As you can see, though, from the tape,

I really didn't have nothing to say.

I was, like, "should I just choke somebody, or...?"

All right, all right, let's take another look,

see what else we got here.

I think one of the underlying issues here is

affirmative action forces somebody...

you're forcing people,

and anytime you force somebody,

I don't know about you gentlemen,

but I don't like to be forced.

When I'm pushed,

I'm only pushed so far... and then I push back.

"Forced."

Oh, you mean, like, "slavery forced"?

Remember that thing where you forced us to work, huh?

What did you think? Black people was, like,

"no problem, boss, I'd love to!"

Man, that was infuriating, man.

But, I, for one, I'm gonna say it publicly,

not only am I for affirmative action,

I will take it a step further...

I want my reparations for slavery.

(cheering and applause)

That's right.

I'm trying to get paid for the work of my forefathers.

Done and done.

The only thing that I would say,

is if we do ever get our reparations,

which I doubt,

but if we do, we black people have got to get together,

and come up with a plan for the money.

This is a consumer-based economy.

You can't just give black people all this money

and turn them loose on the streets.

That could be a potential disaster.

I wonder what would happen if someone actually did that.

Hmm...

(harp playing)

(announcer) And now a Newscenter 3 special report

with Frank Dobson and Chuck Taylor.

Good afternoon, I'm Chuck Taylor.

Frank Dobson died last night in his sleep.

Our top story, as we all know,

congress recently approved paying over

a trillion dollars to African Americans

as reparations for slavery.

Well, today the first checks were sent out.

Wendy Mullin is standing by live in Queens with more.

Wendy?

Thanks, Chuck. We're standing here in front

of the Olympic Liquor Store in Queens,

where scores of African Americans have been

lined up for hours.

We spoke to a few of them earlier.

Ladies, may we get a word?

Hide the money, y'all! There's poor people 'round.

(laughs loudly)

With your broke ass!

Sir, now that you've got your check,

do you plan on quitting your job driving this truck?

Truck driver?

I ain't no truck driver, I'm a janitor.

Janitor?

That's right, baby, I just bought this truck straight cash.

Now, I got enough cigarettes to last me and my family

for the rest of our lives.

I'm rich, biatch!

(honks horn)

So, Chuck, as you can see, it's been a pretty amazing day.

Back to you.

Wait, Wendy, let me get this straight.

Why aren't there any banks in the ghetto?

Well, Chuck, that's because banks hate black people,

but I think that's about to change.

Back to you.

I bet you're right, Wendy.

Hot damn almighty,

I bet you're right.

Well, these checks aren't just affecting things on Beat Street.

Wall Street is having a big day, as well.

Our financial correspondent Michael Peterson is there.

Michael, what's happening?

Chuck, a lot of activity,

as you can imagine, here on the market.

These people are spending money like hotcakes.

Get this, Sprint stock has skyrocketed

after the news that two million

delinquent phone bills have been paid

just this morning, incredible.

Gold is way up.

Diamonds are at their most expensive level ever.

The catch word around here is certainly, "bling, bling!"

Oil has dropped to $1.50 a barrel,

while chicken shot to $600 a bucket.

Amazing news there.

Just about everything on the market is up,

however, watermelon is surprisingly flat,

defying many analysts out there.

Chuck, get this, 8,000 record labels

have been started in the last hour.

Incredible.

Cadillac announced that they sold three million

Escalade trucks this afternoon alone.

It's incredible, Chuck,

these people just seem to be breaking their necks

to give this money right back to us.

Folks, I am happy to report that

the recession is now officially over,

and we have nobody to thank,

but all these black people,

with their taste for expensive clothes,

fancy cars, and, of course, gaudy jewelry.

Uh, Chuck, I can't believe my ears,

the news just keeps rolling in here.

I have just been told that Fubu...

Fubu is now the world's largest corporation

after merging with Kentucky Fried Chicken.

This is another amazing development

on an already amazing day, Chuck.

Flabbergasting,

a truly wild day that none of us will ever forget,

no matter how hard we try.

We're gonna take a short break, but when we come back,

the crime rate has fallen to 0%.

How could that be?

Did the Mexicans get money today too?

(laughing)

I shouldn't have said that.

Listen, I think we'll be all right.

Mexicans don't watch the news.

Now, if this was Telemundo... (laughing)

A-hotchy-cotchy hotchy-cotchy.

Hey, we're gonna pay some bills over here

at Comedy Central, but don't go anywhere,

'cause we'll be here when you get back, chilling.

(cheering and applause)

Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go to the Chappelle show.

A secret 1986 document from a major tobacco company

contains the following passage:

"Cigarette smoking can result in feelings of euphoria,

increased alertness,

rises in short-term memory,

and can have a calming effect on nerves."

And, you know, they're not bad after unprotected sex

with multiple partners, either.

Hey, Scooter, you trying to get some of this?

Come on, dog, look how cool I look.

I was talking 'bout the cigarettes,

but come on in!

Man, we're just having us a blast here in the studio.

Man, this is great.

And I gotta tell you, you guys are one

of the best-looking audiences I've ever seen in my life.

I wouldn't lie to you.

I've been looking around from the back,

scoping out the ladies...

you know what I like about ladies the most,

like, when I look at how beautiful they are?

Their titties.

I'm sorry to say it, there's something about boobs.

I'm a sucker for boobies.

I mean, you know, I can't explain it.

It's just, you know, especially, in the summertime,

when y'all girls in New York be, like,

taking 'em out on that parade

before you pack them away for the winter.

And then a dude will see one of y'all walking by,

and we want to say something to you,

I don't think it would be so bad if it was just, like,

"man, you got some great boobs."

But, you know, girls get mad at these kinds of things,

they don't like that.

They'll put 'em in your face... but, it's, like,

"don't talk about 'em, just... "

But it's all right, gentlemen,

because, I, for myself, have put my mind to it,

and devised a way that I can compliment women

on their breasts and they will not get angry.

I had a blast doing it.

Check it out.

Ooooohhhhhh do it.

Hi, everybody, I'm Lyle,

standing in New York City,

boob capital of North America,

looking for great New York boobs.

Do the hustle.

'Scuse me, pardon me, miss.

Hi, can I talk to you for one second?

Pardon me, can I talk to you for my TV show?

Please, don't run.

Boy, she had some sweet New York boobs.

Hi, guys, I'm Lyle, and you have great New York boobs.

Oh, my God!

Hi, what's your name?

Jeannie. Jeannie?

You have great New York boobs.

Oh!

Fantastic.

Do the hustle.

this is Joe Rogan from NBC's Fear Factor.

Hello, ladies. Hello.

Can I tell you something?

What?

You have great New York boobs.

Are we talking "C" cups?

"D" cups, perhaps?

Yes, "C", "C" cups.

Well, I'd drink from those "C" cups any day.

Fabulous.

They rest on my arm like an eagle on a perch.

These are some of the best boobs you can see in the city.

Br-br-br-bromsky.

(Chappelle) Please, don't run, they're busy.

Do the hustle.

and this is Joe Rogan from NBC's Fear Factor.

Can I tell you something? Yes.

You have great New York boobs.

Thanks...

Fabulous.

That's my dad, man.

Well, sir...

you have fabulous genetics.

That's all I can tell you

because you helped make a great set of New York boobs.

Man, what the fu... is this?

Hey, don't go nowhere.

We're going to take a quick commercial break,

pay some bills, and we'll be right back.

(cheering continues)

Ow.

Turn on your TV. Ow.

What you gonna see?

Hey!

(cheering and applause)

Hey, guys, welcome back to Chappelle's Show, man.

You know, we better check in with Chuck Taylor

at Newscenter 3 to see how those black folks

are making out with their reparations checks.

(announcer) And now more "Reparations 2003" with Chuck Taylor.

If you're just joining us,

black people got their reparations checks today,

and, in short, all hell has broken loose.

In sports, the Philadelphia 76ers

took on the New York Knicks,

but since none of the black players showed up,

Todd Macculloch ended up playing one-on-one

with Travis Knight.

Macculloch had 75 points, beating Knight by 7.

After the game, Macculloch said that he was hurt

that none of the black players showed up,

but upbeat because he,

quote, finally, feels like he has a big penis.

Welcome to the club, buddy,

the big penis club.

Fortune magazine released their annual list

of the hundred wealthiest people today,

and Bill Gates has been overtaken.

"By whom," you ask?

A Harlem resident named simply... Tron.

Our Stephanie Gold is standing by with him now.

So, how did you become

the world's wealthiest man, Tron?

Hot hand in a dice game, baby girl.

Six hours straight, talking 'bout,

clackity, clackity, clackity clack!

Now, you looking at the world's richest man,

and I'm black.

Kiss my black ass, America!

I think what everybody wants to know now is,

what are you going to do with all this money?

Uh, I'm gonna reinvest my money into the community.

Oh, that's a very nice gesture, what will you...

Psych!

(laughing)

Okay, is that your son?

No, no, I just bought this baby cash.

No, straight up, though, I'm gonna do the real thing,

and spend this money before y'all honkeys

change your minds.

On that note, Chuck, we're gonna send it

back to you in the studio now.

Hold up, Chuck, I got your girl.

What do you say about a little lap dance

for the world's richest man?

Oh, well, if you put it that way...

Chuck, back to you in the studio.

Thank you, Stephanie.

Chuck! In other news...

Suck my...

We, um, we seem to have lost the feed.

Anyhow, here with the weather is our old pal,

reliable, friendly, portly... Big Al.

(nasal) Happy Reparations Day, Happy Juneteenth.

Just kidding.

Chuck, I don't know if you know this,

but I've just handed in my resignation here

at Newscenter 3 hours ago.

And I'll tell you something else

you probably didn't know, and that is this:

This is not my real speaking voice.

(deep and throaty) Actually, Chuck, this my real speaking voice.

I talk like straight-up gangster, bitch.

My name ain't Big Al, it's Alton Sims, okay?

Uh, Big Al, seriously,

what's the forecast for the tri-state area?

Oh, I don't know, Chuck.

Why don't we take a look at my tri-state area map,

which looks a lot like my big fat ass.

Okay, here we have Connecticut.

All the white folks drive down 95

and go straight into the Holland Tunnel.

Uh-oh, look out,

here comes a big brown truck.

Wait a minute, that ain't no truck!

(farting)

My God, Big Al, that's disgusting!

I'm paid. I'm paid.

I'm paid in the shade.

(mouthing rhythm)

Is that "beat boxing?"

You old, pasty bastard.

Look at you, Chuck, you look sick, man.

You look like you just walked up from ground zero.

This job sucks, kiss the rings, bitch.

I'm out.

And there you have it.

Excuse me.

Incredible, I'm receiving word that Colin Powell

has just bitch-slapped Vice President Dick Cheney.

White people, run for cover, we'll be right back.

Hey, man, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

and we'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show.

Kiss the rings, bitch!

Chappelle's Show.

Better not bring your kids!

Everybody in this room,

I'd like to thank you for coming to my show.

Everybody at home,

I hope you're at home making your butt

clap-clap clap-clap clap.

All right, thanks for coming, see you next week.

I'm out.

(cheers & applause)

(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch!

(horn honking)

Hi, thank you!

What is your personal feelings on reparations?

There should be some type of reparation...

Money, okay?

I feel the same way, but I'd like the land, though.

You want the land, not the money?

Yeah.

You know you can buy land with money, don't you?

(laughing)

I'll beat the (bleep) out of one of you (bleep).

Heh-heh-heh-hey, that's right.

You didn't think a fat (bleep) like me

could throw combinations, I'm from the streets.

Respect mine.