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1
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:06,882
[laughing] Oh-ho-ho-ho.
2
00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:09,426
[laughter]
3
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,011
If I know those laughs,
4
00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:13,347
they're tickling Jeff
until he wets himself.
5
00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:14,806
Better put down
some newspaper.
6
00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:17,392
[all laughing]
7
00:00:17,476 --> 00:00:20,521
Oh. I thought you guys were making fresh,
squeezed Jeff juice.
8
00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:21,897
What you watching?
9
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:24,191
Wazzup, butt cheeses?
10
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:28,612
I'm Stan. I'm 22 years old,
and I'd be a home run on this show.
11
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:31,782
Aah!
12
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,200
[all laughing]
13
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,035
We were looking
for that porno mom found
14
00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,870
where the guy
looks like a fatter Tuttle,
15
00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:38,622
and look
what we stumbled across.
16
00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:40,791
Your old Real World
audition tape!
17
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:43,585
You made the right move
not sending this in.
18
00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:46,129
-It would've been brutal.
-What are you talking about?
19
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,257
-It's not that bad.
-Come on, Dad.
20
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,259
You're not cut out
for reality TV.
21
00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:52,052
You're terrible on camera.
22
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,888
Please. Reality TV
is all about charming people
23
00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:56,890
and I am constantly
doing that on missions.
24
00:00:56,974 --> 00:00:59,893
Once I charmed my way
into a Canadian terrorist cell
25
00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:02,020
with nothing but a hot dog
and a piece of gum.
26
00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:03,939
Winning over a bunch
of reality dweebs
27
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,399
would be child's play.
28
00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:07,609
Work's different.
That's all instinct.
29
00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:10,737
Great instincts.
No one's questioning those.
30
00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:13,532
But in normal life, whenever
there's a camera around,
31
00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:15,075
you get so in your own head
32
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:17,619
and try way too hard,
and make the worst,
33
00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,788
lamest choices. I mean...
34
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:23,250
I like to keep it extreme!
35
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,211
[grunts]
36
00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:29,840
See? Cameras
are why you act so weird at ATMs.
37
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,301
And in the cold medicine aisle
at CVS.
38
00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,761
And behind any car
with a backup camera.
39
00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:36,471
You're all crazy!
I'd crush it.
40
00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:37,639
Why do you even care?
41
00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:40,809
This was 20 years ago, and you never
even followed through with it.
42
00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:42,436
Yeah, but the more
we talk about this,
43
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:43,979
the more important
it becomes to me.
44
00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:45,981
My own family
doesn't even believe in me!
45
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:48,442
It's not that we don't
believe in you, honey,
46
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:50,360
it's just...
47
00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:53,530
[all laughing]
48
00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:55,198
You guys suck!
49
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:57,784
And send me that pic!
50
00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,203
[♪ theme song playing]
51
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,041
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
52
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:08,128
♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be
a wonderful day ♪
53
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:11,173
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
54
00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:14,593
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
55
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:20,766
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
56
00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:23,185
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
57
00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:28,190
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
58
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,525
Stupid family.
59
00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:33,070
'Sup? I heard
that argument, Stan,
60
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:36,198
and I have to say, I think
we have yet another situation
61
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:38,116
where everyone else
in the house is wrong
62
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,619
-and you are right.
-Yet again.
63
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:43,038
They may not believe in you,
but I do.
64
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,998
You'd be great on reality TV.
65
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,542
And I know what I'm talking about
because I have a persona
66
00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:50,045
with a deep background
in reality television.
67
00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:53,173
Gary Ombosule,
reality TV producer.
68
00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:56,051
I've cast and produced
dozens of shows in my day.
69
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,428
Pitching a lot of hot,
hot stuff right now.
70
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,180
Real Housewives of ISIS.
71
00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:01,348
Jack Toddlers.
72
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:02,891
Jack Toddlers, Las Vegas.
73
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:04,601
America's Next Top Bottom.
74
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,853
I'm actually
all three judges on that, too.
75
00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:10,774
And my big dog,
Gary Ombosule's All Stars.
76
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:11,900
Just got green-lit!
77
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:15,654
Gonna air on several non-traditional,
alternative TV platforms,
78
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,989
gas station TVs,
burner flip phones,
79
00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:19,950
audio-only on Spirit Airlines.
80
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,327
You know, Stan, we're still finalizing
the cast,
81
00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:24,329
and I actually think
you'd be perfect for it.
82
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,415
Me? Really? What's it about?
83
00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:28,083
It's a classic.
Seven strangers
84
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,960
getting to know each other
in a rental house
85
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,962
where the toilets
definitely aren't filmed.
86
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,256
Nothing crazy,
just a popularity contest
87
00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:36,216
where viewers vote
for who they like best.
88
00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,802
-I don't know.
-Come on. It's win-win.
89
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,053
I fill out my cast,
90
00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:42,556
you get to show the family
how stupid they are.
91
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:45,100
They do need to know
how stupid they are.
92
00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:46,351
-Okay, let's do it.
-Great.
93
00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:47,769
Now you just need
to sign these.
94
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,147
Don't worry. It's nothing to do
with the show.
95
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,107
These are valentines
for some other personas
96
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:53,483
who have crushes on you.
97
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,277
Stan, you wouldn't happen
to be interested
98
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,070
in Abigail Lemonparty,
would you?
99
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,074
Amazing.
100
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:02,576
Whoo. That was fun.
101
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,619
And I thought our tour
of the football stadium
102
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,621
was going to be
my highlight of the week.
103
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:07,914
What tour?
104
00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:10,333
We went on a ghost tour
of the Shark's Nest.
105
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,836
It's built
on a Native burial ground,
106
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:16,465
a pet cemetery,
and a Spirit Halloween store,
107
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,592
so the place
is crawling with ghosts!
108
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,343
You went without me? [gasps]
109
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,095
How dare you?
110
00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:23,430
We've had this discussion.
111
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:27,184
If you're ever going on a ghost tour
or a Target run, you tell me!
112
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,853
It was just a lot of walking,
and you're so small.
113
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:31,646
It would've been hard
for you to keep up.
114
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,023
So carry me, bitches!
115
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:37,110
And we weren't sure it would be
the right vibe for you.
116
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,613
You can be
kind of a wild card.
117
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,448
Wild card? Me?
118
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:42,532
Yeah, you.
119
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,118
Remember when you got us
kicked out of the Renaissance Fair
120
00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:47,871
for attacking a harp player
with a giant turkey leg?
121
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,915
Oh, come on. That was funny.
122
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:52,250
You know, you guys
really take me for granted.
123
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,836
If I had an awesome
small bro like me,
124
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,630
I would value him.
125
00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:59,174
Great. Go find yourself
a Klaus then.
126
00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,425
Maybe I will!
127
00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:03,470
Actually, Dr. Weitzman
owes me a favor
128
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:05,013
for when I helped untangle him
129
00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:08,183
from the barbed wire
around the old bra factory.
130
00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,602
I'll have him make me
a tiny buddy!
131
00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:14,356
You guys want
to go to Target?
132
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:18,318
The Everglades are becoming
a mini Hollywood.
133
00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,695
You can dress this swamp up
to be anywhere.
134
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:23,198
A swamp in London,
a swamp in space.
135
00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:24,616
Very versatile swamp.
136
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,702
Screw you, Claude!
I meant what I said!
137
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,746
Had it out with that dumbass
the other day.
138
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:30,997
He's into voodoo dolls,
139
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:34,501
and I called him out for it being
total mumbo jumbo. Moron.
140
00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:35,961
Anyway, the house
is just up here.
141
00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:37,504
-[bones crunching]
-[screaming]
142
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:41,550
Okay. Showtime.
143
00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:44,094
The rest of the cast is out there.
Just go be yourself.
144
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,096
Piece of cake. Game time.
145
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,644
Wazzup, butt cheeses?
146
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,187
[♪ "Back That Azz Up" playing]
147
00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:55,355
♪ You bad, yeah ♪
148
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,691
♪ Make a woadie spend his
cash, yeah his last, yeah ♪
149
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,192
♪ Girls frown
when you pass, yeah ♪
150
00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,694
♪ They mad, yeah
You gon' ride... ♪
151
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:04,406
Yes, my monkey. Back that ass up
for the camera.
152
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:05,490
♪ ...of grass, yeah ♪
153
00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,617
♪ Got money I can flash, yeah
And trash, yeah ♪
154
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,251
I'm Swerve Queen.
155
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,919
AKA Miss Steal Your Girl,
156
00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:19,713
AKA Miss Steal Your Guy,
157
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,591
AKA Miss Steal Your Identity!
158
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,759
I'm Drakeford, and I'm here
to get famous enough
159
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,344
to be on other reality shows.
160
00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:27,721
And I'm Clarence.
161
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:30,223
I needed money for my granddaughter's
wedding,
162
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:33,226
so I responded
to a Craigslist ad, and--
163
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,312
Yo, yo, it's your boy, Stan.
164
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,856
I'm here to party
and I'm here to farty.
165
00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:39,065
[farts]
166
00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:42,944
I'm Anjelica.
I have 200K followers,
167
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:46,656
and as a brand ambassador
for Dr. Slippy's lip gloss,
168
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,783
that is all I'll be using
this season.
169
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:51,911
I'm Corn Nuts.
170
00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:54,581
I was living down the road until
my brother kicked me out.
171
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,957
It's cool if I sleep here?
172
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,960
I'm Izzy. I only eat
rainbow sherbet, and...
173
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,503
[squeaking]
174
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,213
...that's the sound
a panda makes.
175
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,591
[♪ upbeat music playing]
176
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:06,760
It's important they know
right off the bat
177
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,637
who the fun guy
in the house is gonna be.
178
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,472
-Whoa, we got a pool?
-Awesome.
179
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,515
Anyone got a can opener?
180
00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,851
-No, Stan, there's a cover on...
-[Stan groans]
181
00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:19,397
Um, fun guy established.
182
00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:20,857
Man, Stan?
183
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,193
He's an interesting dude.
184
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:26,071
I've never seen someone so obsessed
with throwing farts.
185
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,239
-[farts]
-[groans]
186
00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:29,741
-[farts]
-[whimpers]
187
00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:31,660
[farts]
188
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,746
And he's always leaving
half-eaten tuna cans
189
00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:36,122
all over the house.
190
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:38,041
It's like we live with a cat
191
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,126
who's covered
in Axe body spray.
192
00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:43,171
And Stan seems to have
major beef with Clarence.
193
00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,007
[Stan laughs]
194
00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,385
-[farts]
-[gags]
195
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,012
Nut tap.
196
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:54,182
I call this
the Queen's Shuffle.
197
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:55,975
-[all cheering]
-Let's go.
198
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:58,561
-Let's go, go, go!
-[Stan laughs]
199
00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:01,356
Did you get that?
200
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:04,025
-[all laughing]
-[Drakeford] We decided to all pitch in
201
00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,235
and make a nice dinner.
202
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,779
I invited everyone to pregame
before the dinner,
203
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,447
but I guess
I'm the only cool one.
204
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,075
You little bitches,
205
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,202
you couldn't handle
a couple of warm-up drinks?
206
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,499
This lasagna tastes like ass.
207
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,585
[Francine] Is that Stan?
208
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,004
Is this a TV?
209
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,256
Amazing.
210
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:30,468
This. This is why I'll never get
an electric vehicle.
211
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,682
I am on the hunt
for the perfect person
212
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,059
to turn into
my own little Klaus.
213
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:40,311
Cool. I find
friendships blossom--
214
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:44,023
Holy hell, save it
for your memoirs, motor mouth.
215
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,861
Venti tap water
and eight cake pops.
216
00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:50,321
-Name?
-Just put K-Dog 69.
217
00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,449
Ha-ha. Sixty-nine. Noice.
218
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,826
Welp, he's the one.
219
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,412
Weitzman, I'm ready
to cash in that favor.
220
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,707
It's Klaus. The fish?
221
00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:04,544
Geez, how many fish
do you owe favors to, man?
222
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,717
Stan. Stan, the man.
223
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,260
Ricky Stanish.
224
00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:14,846
Hey, Roger.
Things were a little hazy
225
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,514
from all the booze last night.
226
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:18,558
I wanna make sure
I didn't do anything stupid.
227
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:21,352
You? No. No, no, no.
You were rock-solid.
228
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,605
Total gentlemen.
But I'm glad you popped by.
229
00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,148
Rogu, grab the man
a Pedialyte.
230
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,609
I wanted to tell you
how well the show is doing.
231
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:28,693
People are loving you.
232
00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:30,570
They're getting gas
just to watch.
233
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:32,906
Ooh, really? Can I see
some of the footage?
234
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,617
No, can do. Gotta keep you
natural, untainted.
235
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,745
You'll see it soon enough
at our live-in-studio finale.
236
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,789
Gonna have a great
green room spread, by the way.
237
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:42,832
One hundred percent salami.
Come hungry.
238
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,376
But votes are pouring in,
and you're doing great.
239
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,629
Keep being you.
We got a hit on our hands.
240
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,672
Not a problem. Thanks, Roger.
241
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,468
[♪ "Nookie" playing]
242
00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:03,061
[people laughing]
243
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:05,897
Oh-ho. Swerve Queen
is hating this bit, eh?
244
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:07,941
[laughs]
245
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:09,067
[all] Virgil?
246
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:14,531
You know, it was weird
he died the same day
247
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:18,952
the C4 we were about to use to blow up
Niagara Falls went missing, yeah?
248
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,621
Dang it!
We were duped, gentlemen.
249
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,081
He was one of us.
250
00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:26,668
Grandma showed him our secret family
recipe for horsemeat even.
251
00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,837
[Stan laughs on video]
252
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,172
Well, if he wasn't
dead before,
253
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:33,424
he's a dead man now.
254
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,802
Uh, boss,
255
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:38,054
this was the number
we gave those girls we met
256
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,430
ice fishing yesterday.
257
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,851
Virgil!
258
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:47,188
This never happened.
259
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:49,232
[gasps] He's perfect.
260
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,152
He's zonked from the transfer.
He'll be up soon.
261
00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:53,570
Okay, I gotta get back.
262
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,072
I needed somewhere to put a
seagull's brain for a minute,
263
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,407
so I used this guy's body,
264
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:58,950
and I want to make sure
nothing--
265
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,702
[cawing]
266
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,328
Flappy! Get back here!
267
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,290
Little guy's tuckered out.
268
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:08,960
But once he's up,
we're gonna be inse--
269
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,628
[screams]
270
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,255
What the hell's going on?
271
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:15,758
Am I in a dollhouse bed?
Am I a [bleep] snail?
272
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,594
Whoa, whoa! Let's just relax.
273
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,846
You are a snail, but...
274
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:23,141
But we are best friends now.
275
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,894
-[screaming]
-[shushing]
276
00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:27,395
It's all gonna be okay.
277
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,355
Here, I'll go grab us
a couple of beers
278
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,191
so we can talk this out
like bros.
279
00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:33,818
Okay, I only have
one mango hard seltzer,
280
00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:35,195
but we can split that for now.
281
00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:36,779
Why are you on my...
282
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:39,532
Did you just call someone?
283
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,784
Yeah, Tracy at Starbucks.
284
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,579
And she's telling everyone
at work what you did.
285
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:47,916
The jig is up. So just go ahead
and change me back
286
00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,667
to a miserable human!
287
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:50,752
[sighs]
288
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:54,756
Damn it. Well, I guess I have no choice
but to fix this then, huh?
289
00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:57,550
-[all screaming]
-We're snails!
290
00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:00,261
The shell's oddly comforting,
but I'm still mad!
291
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,180
-Why?
-I had no choice.
292
00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:03,640
You all knew!
293
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,183
[all screaming]
294
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,977
Everything's gonna be fine.
Just calm down.
295
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:11,105
I'll grab you guys some dirt and...
What do snails eat?
296
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,524
-Maggots?
-We don't know.
297
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,109
We just became snails!
298
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:17,779
But some maggots do sound amazing.
Thank you.
299
00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:19,989
[audience cheering]
300
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,703
Good evening, folks.
I'm Gary Ombosule.
301
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,997
Welcome to the live
studio finale
302
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,208
of the most popular show
ever to air
303
00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:33,711
above the trough urinal
in the Carolina Hurricanes arena bathroom.
304
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:34,837
[man] Hell, yeah!
305
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:38,132
Now, let's all welcome, fresh out
of the house in the Everglades,
306
00:12:38,216 --> 00:12:39,550
that's really dragging
their feet
307
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:42,637
with my security deposit,
my All Stars!
308
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,347
[audience cheering]
309
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,976
Eat it, runts.
Look who's a reality star now.
310
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:53,064
Tonight we'll be crowning, one of these
housemates our winner.
311
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,817
You voted all season,
and the results are in.
312
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,110
But before we get to that,
313
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:59,320
let's look back
at this unforgettable season
314
00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:01,781
of moments recorded everywhere
but the toilet.
315
00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:04,158
[all laughing]
316
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,204
I love it here.
Everyone's awesome.
317
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,373
Well, almost everyone.
318
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,002
[squeaking]
319
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:15,586
It's not a direct translation.
320
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,505
But that's Panda for,
"Stan sucks."
321
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:21,259
Anjelica, you just won
the Super Bowl.
322
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:22,719
Ugh! Stan!
323
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,220
Ugh! Stan!
324
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:25,555
Ugh! Stan!
325
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,307
Can I tell you guys a secret?
326
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,059
[man] Hell, yeah!
327
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,895
We'll get more into
that torrid love affair.
328
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,982
But first, I think
audiences around the world
329
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,901
are eager for me to share
some news with the cast.
330
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:40,987
I haven't been totally honest.
331
00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:44,907
While you all thought you were filming
Gary Ombosule's All Stars,
332
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,993
America knew
we were making
333
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:49,579
Gary Ombosule's Imbeciles!
334
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:50,997
[audience laughing]
335
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,707
You were assembled
for my mission
336
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:55,126
to crown America's
biggest idiot.
337
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,711
And the votes are in.
338
00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:58,087
Drum roll, please.
339
00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,714
[drum roll]
340
00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:05,928
-Hey!
-[stops]
341
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:07,805
And the winner is,
342
00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,057
no surprises here,
343
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,142
it's Stan, by a mile!
344
00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:12,935
[audience cheering]
345
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:18,649
And when we come back,
346
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:21,527
Bazooka Sharks punter
Boomer DeSanto is here
347
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:23,154
to kick Stan in the balls.
348
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:25,114
-[audience cheering]
-And that's commercial.
349
00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:29,160
Roger, you used me
to look like a fool!
350
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,661
Phew. We're on the same page.
351
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,038
You said you believed in me.
352
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,247
You said I'd be great.
353
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,708
You were great.
Great for me and the show.
354
00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:37,752
Aren't you happy for me, Stan?
355
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:43,800
He's in there, eh? Surround the
entire perimeter with dynamite.
356
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:47,553
We gotta send our message
to the world in style.
357
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:49,180
I'm done
with this stupid show.
358
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:50,389
Find another sucker.
359
00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:52,433
But nobody sucks
harder than you.
360
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,560
Not even the contestants
of my other show,
361
00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:56,437
Human Vacuums of Nebraska.
362
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,398
[inhales deeply]
363
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:02,527
The secret
to horse meat, Virgil,
364
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,779
is putting on this slice
of American cheese
365
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:09,325
after the microwave
and letting the steam melt it.
366
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,702
Mr. Ed, meet Mr. Fed.
367
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:13,871
As in well-fed.
Not federal agent.
368
00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:16,165
Which I'm not.
[inhales deeply]
369
00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:18,459
Horse meat.
370
00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:19,710
Oh, no.
371
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:21,963
Hey, look! It's Virgil!
372
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:23,422
As you can imagine, Virgil,
373
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:25,716
we were devastated
to see on TV
374
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,428
that you weren't a dead friend
but a living traitor.
375
00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:31,722
Yeah, no,
you may have thwarted our plan
376
00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:33,224
to blow up Niagara Falls, bud,
377
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:35,977
but now you've given us
another opportunity
378
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,187
to bring awareness
to our cause.
379
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,897
Help me out here.
What was that again?
380
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:42,483
Our cause,
to refresh your memory,
381
00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,777
is getting the world to adopt
382
00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:48,114
Newfoundland's 30 minutes-off
time zone.
383
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,825
Oh, God, I forgot
that island is 30 minutes off.
384
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,451
I kept missing Modern Family.
385
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:55,371
We've accommodated
the rest of the world for decades.
386
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,498
Time for them
to accommodate us.
387
00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:00,668
So we're gonna blow up
this studio and everyone in it
388
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:04,046
live on air to send a message.
389
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,716
One that will be seen
on gas station TVs
390
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,010
and flip phones
around the globe!
391
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:11,179
-[Stan gulps]
-And then if we don't die
392
00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:12,722
in a glorious hail of gunfire,
393
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,349
we might pop by
Colonial Williamsburg
394
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,185
and see
how a horseshoe is made.
395
00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:18,519
If we have time.
396
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:19,854
[Stan gulps]
397
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,317
[♪ dramatic music playing]
398
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,612
Okay, everybody, a couple of
concerning items of news.
399
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:29,363
Terrorists have surrounded
the studio,
400
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,449
-and are planting dynamite.
-[all gasp]
401
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:33,242
But don't worry,
I am highly trained,
402
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,369
and have this situation
completely--
403
00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:37,788
Wazzup? Where the weed at?
404
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,208
Rogu, get a camera outside
on those terrorists.
405
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,668
This could be big.
Pluto TV big!
406
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,546
Stan, are we all gonna die?
407
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,716
We may, baby girl.
But I ain't stressing.
408
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:51,135
I just hope Heaven's got
an ice luge.
409
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:52,470
Oh. That's catchy.
410
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,890
[♪ singing] ♪ I just hope heaven's got
an ice luge ♪
411
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:57,141
Dad! Get it together.
412
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,101
You're in the CIA!
Do something!
413
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,020
Wait, you're in the CIA?
414
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,439
You told me
you were a sexy dentist.
415
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,274
Yeah, I'm CIA. Ain't no thing.
416
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,193
Just give me a second,
I'll whip up a plan.
417
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:08,778
We just need a flank here,
418
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,613
and then we'll send
a team over here,
419
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,157
and I'll rappel in front...
Yeah, this looks great.
420
00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:15,493
[laughs] Gotcha!
421
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,036
Stop looking, pervs.
422
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:19,288
Forget this loser.
I'm gonna go out there
423
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,123
and smooth
this whole thing over.
424
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,584
Hit 'em with the Queen Shuffle,
spit some game,
425
00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:26,671
and we'll be home in time
for Jacked Toddlers, South Beach.
426
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,969
[screams] I got got, y'all!
427
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,846
Someone help me!
Not Stan!
428
00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:39,976
I can't believe we just captured
the Swerve Queen.
429
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:45,356
It's Tracy's big blabbermouth
is why we're all snails now.
430
00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:47,733
Larry's gonna write us up
for missing our shift!
431
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:50,236
Everyone, shut up!
Larry's not doing nothing
432
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:51,696
'cause you're all snails,
433
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:54,824
and you live with a fish now,
and we're all best friends!
434
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,242
That's just the way it is!
435
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:58,869
Anyone want
to hear me freestyle?
436
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,080
[♪ beatboxing]
437
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:04,500
♪ I'm a snail
I use snail mail ♪
438
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:07,378
-♪ I leave snail trails G unit... ♪
-Enough!
439
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:10,590
Everyone, quiet! I'm trying to watch
my friend's show!
440
00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:13,593
[♪ beatboxing]
441
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,554
♪ I'm a snail
I read snail braille ♪
442
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,015
♪ Baby, be my Chip
I'll be your snail Dale ♪
443
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,435
Here's your staff, Larry.
I'm over it.
444
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,562
I'm gonna go chug a Mountain Dew
outside TJ Maxx
445
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:26,647
and throw in
some FanDuel parlays.
446
00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:27,773
Klaus is back!
447
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,612
-Larry!
-That fish turned us into snails!
448
00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:35,114
And you've got to get us
to a recording studio.
449
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:38,034
I don't care whose-it
did what's-it to whose-um!
450
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,202
You're all late,
and I'm writing you up!
451
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,330
[snail 1] Larry, is now
a bad time to tell you
452
00:18:42,413 --> 00:18:44,206
that my sister's wedding's
next weekend?
453
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:45,875
Dag nab it!
454
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,089
I can't believe
we underestimated
455
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,091
how truly horrible
Dad is on camera.
456
00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:55,801
Then we gotta get him
off camera.
457
00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:57,345
Roger, kill the cameras!
458
00:18:57,428 --> 00:18:59,388
We need to get Dad
back to normal.
459
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,390
On it. Oh, no.
460
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,392
The terrorists
must have jammed the signal
461
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,810
so we're stuck on air.
462
00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:07,688
[chuckles] No way
I'm missing this gold.
463
00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,774
I don't get it.
Cameras or not,
464
00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:11,484
terrorists are Dad's
bread and butter.
465
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:15,446
But those missions
are all instinct. So maybe...
466
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,867
Instinct trumps cameras.
467
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,786
-[both sobbing]
-Clarence and Anjelica,
468
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:22,995
when you're done sobbing,
469
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,623
can I ask you to do
a quick season two promo?
470
00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:30,753
Sorry, fam. My B.
471
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:33,214
I guess you were right
not to believe in me.
472
00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:35,132
Actually, Dad,
I do believe in you.
473
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,804
-Steve, no!
-What are you doing?
474
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:41,514
Come on in and just kill us.
475
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:42,598
Get it over with.
476
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,183
You can do it on camera.
477
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:46,852
Quick, before the little
hoser reconsiders.
478
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:56,153
Wazzup?
479
00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,572
[laughs]
480
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,200
-[farts]
-[coughs]
481
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,498
-[groans]
-Noogie.
482
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,628
Hang tight. I'll hang loose.
483
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:13,754
Stan, look out!
484
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:21,178
[in slow motion] Nut tap!
485
00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:27,309
Grandma shared
two family secrets.
486
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,855
Terrorist One always kept a little nitro
under his balls.
487
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:33,232
[all cheering]
488
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:35,901
You did it, Stan.
489
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:38,195
I told you
I could be good on TV.
490
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:41,866
And I just wanted to say,
big thanks to all the haters out there
491
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:43,117
for keeping me motivated,
492
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,453
especially
my weak-as-hell family.
493
00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:47,997
Shout out to the Everglades,
my boy Corn Nuts,
494
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,417
and most importantly,
you, America, for eating this.
495
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,585
[farts]
496
00:20:57,715 --> 00:21:00,301
I'm pitching a lot of hot,
hot shows right now,
497
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:03,345
but there's one in particular
I think you'd really shine on.
498
00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:04,930
Me? Tuttle?
499
00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:07,767
Are you familiar with the concept
of a Squid Game?
500
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,436
I am not, but I love calamari.
501
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:12,396
Great. Great. That's perfect.
502
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,149
Rogu will just get a quick
legally binding signature,
503
00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:17,318
and you'll be rich and famous,
lickety split.
504
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:18,402
Hot dog!
505
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:20,321
Production starts Monday.
506
00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:21,947
Just bring
some exercise clothes.
507
00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:23,783
And remember,
don't tell any loved ones
508
00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:24,867
where you're going.
509
00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:29,830
Damn it!
This is another Valentine.
510
00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,582
Still, it'll mean the world
to Clip Clop.
37527
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