Original subtitles

Jeepers, crumpets, who could that be?

We hate to trouble you, but I'm afraid we have a flat tire.

We were wondering if we could use your phone to call the Kremlin.

Oh, I'm sorry, fellas. I don't speak Russian.

Kremlin. It means, how do you say, tow truck.

Well, in the spirit of foreign relations, I'm sure there's no harm in

the two of you in.

Come on.

The phone is right there. Can I offer you boys a drink?

No, thanks. We are already pretty drunk.

But you need to make a call.

You know, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put you and I

If I didn't know any better, I'd think you boys were flirting with me.

Excuse me.

But I think I dropped something.

My jaw.

Oh, you.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Sherwood.

Sherwood who?

Sherwood, like you, to come over here and suck our cock.

You bet, sir.

Get naked.

Go.

They look German.

You're fucking stupid.

See ya.

Oh my God.

Let me see.

Thank you.

Yeah, give me the cup. Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

oh yeah

Oh, my God. Oh, yes.

Yes, yes

Yes! Yes!

Once again, the hypocritical left is trying to have it both ways.

First, they criticize Governor Palin for not having enough experience in the

foreign policy arena.

And then they slam her because she's trying to show her godless vodka

neighbors just a little down -home hospitality.

They make it sound as if full lips.

Great tits.

Piercing brown eyes and an ass that will just not quit.

As if they're a bad thing.

Well, excuse me.

If they're a bad thing, then cut off my dick and express mail it to the nearest

gay rights parade.

Okay, Governor.

We're going to go over some new words that you can use to express yourself.

Repeat after me.

Absolutely.

You betcha.

No, no. Listen carefully.

Absolutely. You betcha.

Let's try a different word, okay?

Definitely.

You betcha.

Okay. Let's move on.

I'm going to describe a famous person from history, and you tell me who it is,

okay?

I was instrumental in ending the Civil War and freeing slaves.

Joe Sixpack.

Lincoln.

Joe Sixpack, Joe Lincoln.

Hockey moms is what America is all about.

Slavery just might not be fine for some. I know it's not fine where I'm from,

which is Alaska, where we don't have slavery.

Forget history.

Let's try some free associations.

H -M -O -G -A -Y.

Okay, it's getting late.

I'm sure you'll want to get back to your own hotel room, get a good night's

sleep before tomorrow's press conference.

Yikes.

Time for a warm glass of moo juice.

My hubby, God love him, is probably waiting up for me.

Don't worry, you'll be fine.

Absolutely.

What a fucking airhead.

Well, you should try living with her.

Are you sure she's not going to find out?

She may be dumb, but she is your wife.

Oh, you betcha.

Now, say what I like to hear.

If elected, I realize the road might be hard.

But no matter how nasty things get, I promise to remain

extremely flexible.

Even if I have to resort to backdoor politics in

order to achieve my goals.

Perfect. Well, let me make a large contribution to your fun.

Big day tomorrow.

Gotta hide the skeletons.

Oh, yes, sirree, Bob.

It's a great snowmobile.

Hey, handsome, why don't we take one of these snowmobiles out for a test drive?

Sarah, I would love to.

But with your husband out of town right now, I feel a little funny about it. I

mean, after all, the man is my business partner. For criminy's sake, why don't

you take your nuts out of your little Gucci purse, grab your noodle, and act

like a man?

I don't know, okay?

Before you and your boyfriend Lance Bass head off to your next Clay Aiken

concert, why don't you feast your eyes on Mama's jugs?

You ain't never seen high beams this bright before, have you?

Careful. You might go blind.

Looks like global warming's melted a couple snow caps.

It's time to drill, baby, drill.

Drill hard and drill...

Come on, you tree -hugging hippie.

What are you waiting for?

Congressional approval?

Thank you.

Just like that.

Damn, baby.

Here we go, here we go.

Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there.

Right there.

Cut!

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Yes. Yes.

Thank you.

Come on.

Right there. Oh, yeah.

much simpler before I became governor.

So much simpler.

Now, who can tell me how old the Earth is?

Yes? Four billion years.

Negative.

Yes, four billion years.

Wrong answer.

Sarah?

What is 10 ,000 years?

10 ,000 years is correct.

And as I told you before, you don't have to answer the question in the form of a

question, Sarah, but that was... Absolutely correct, Sarah.

Absolutely correct.

Now, let's talk about the Jurassic period.

The giant thunder lizard.

Largest of the large, Tyrannosaurus maxima.

Who can tell me how long ago this giant lizard transversed this planet?

Yes? 64 million years ago?

64 million years?

Wrong answer.

Yes? 64 .5 million years ago.

No. Let me try. Yes!

4 ,000 years ago. 4 ,000 years ago.

No.

Sarah. They never existed, and their fossils were placed on Earth by Satan to

trick mankind.

They never existed, and their fossils were placed here by Satan to trick

mankind. Sarah is absolutely correct. Bingo.

Bingo. And that concludes our lesson for today.

Now tomorrow's lesson will be the Earth is Round Theory.

Professor? Yes?

I'm awful sorry to pester you, but I was wondering if you knew of any good

rituals to protect against witchcraft.

Well, uh, yes I do, but you'll have to trust me.

You seem like a pretty upstanding fella. I trust you 100%. Well, good. Well,

then you'll have to excuse me if I start speaking anytime.

Now very important in the ritual All the things that would keep

you from Ceremony are removed

Thank you.

We can only try.

Let's make sure it doesn't fall.

Okay.

Yeah, pull those fucking down.

Shut up and let me fuck you.

You're faster, not my aerobic instructor.

In just a few moments, we're going to be going live to Governor Palin's press

conference where she's going to be putting some of these rumors of alleged

scandals to bed.

Bill, we can't cut. That does not sound right.

Bill, we can't cut. It's live television. Give me the words for

something to bed.

To rest.

Putting it to rest.

Okay. Fine.

Okay, we're live. Fine!

Just a few moments. We're going to be going live to Governor Palin's press

conference. She's going to be putting some of these alleged rumors of sex

scandals to rest.

And for all you pinko Palin haters out there, it's about time you put your

where your mouth is.

Shit! Cut!

Bill, we can't cut live television.

What is going on with this teleprompter? Huh?

That is not Helvetica. I use Helvetica print.

It's Geneva. What is that, fucking Korean?

No, Bill, it's Geneva.

Geneva's a font. Geneva?

Who uses fucking Geneva? What is fucking Geneva?

Okay, never mind. Forget it.

Bill. Bill, we need to go.

From the last line, sound good to you?

Whatever. Go ahead.

We're live?

And for all you pinko palin haters out there, it's about time you put your

where my dick is.

Oh, my God.

Shit! Fuck!

Cut the feed. Cut the feed.

I'd like to start by thanking you all for this opportunity to respond to some

recent questions concerning my personal life.

As you all know, I am just your average Susie Sixpack.

I still drive a minivan, shop at the local mall, and buy all of my exercise

equipment via infomercial.

And I, just like you, put on my crotchless edible panties one leg at

a time.

Recently, there's been some accusations floating around that perhaps I have not

been faithful to my hubby.

We have an expression in Alaska.

It's okay to let the wolves run wild, but if one of them is snooping around

house, you better err with a side of caution and shoot it with a high

rifle. Then, continue to shoot the remaining wolves until there's none left

the planet. Did I have an extramarital affair?

Did I?

That's an interesting question, which I can only answer on my turn.

And for me, that means calmly asking myself in my head if I did,

and then answering secretly but truthfully.

Here goes.

That felt good.

Moms, you should try that at home. It's very therapeutic.

Now off to the next question.

Did I engage in a frenzied freeway with Soviet soldiers that later led to the

removal and subsequent burning of my sofa?

Well, like many of life's questions, that just can't be answered with a

yes or no.

If I were to say yes, then I'd have to also say yes to allowing our country to

slip into a Great Depression that I don't know that we could get out of.

So let's just be honest with ourselves and ask us what this is really about.

It's about shoring up the economy, creating new jobs, and shoring up those

so they can filter back into the economy that we just created, being the entire

shoring process.

It's about change, the kind of change that affects things and causes them to

morph into something different, something magical, but not like Doug

magic from the 70s, more like a cross between David Blaine's magic, and that

over -the -top Criss Angel magic. In other words, you won't see this humble

governor from Alaska hanging upside down for 70 hours.

But what you will see is the kind of hard -hitting policy that will allow an

ordinary cigarette to pass through the center of a corner.

I hope I've cleared things up for the American people.

I am looking forward to 12 years at the White House.

Thank you so much, and God bless America.

You know, Hilly, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but it's very hard to

when your tongue's in my hoo -hoo.

I'm so tired of bipartisanship.

Why can't we just be bi?

Oh.

Condi, I didn't even see you there.

Well, well, well, this is truly a sticky situation.

Shit, there goes 2012.

Relax, girl.

Everything could be kept quiet just as long as you agree to my terms.

Anything. As soon as Bush is out of office, there might be a video that's

to appear of someone who looks a lot like me that's doing some things to some

guys that look a lot like... Chaney, Rove, Wolfowitz, and Chuck Norris.

So I'd appreciate it if you would tell the press to see to it that they looked

the other way. You betcha.

I always wondered what you looked like under the... Oh, my.

Oh. Ooh.

Well, I want to see that video.

Yeah.

Well, that's going to be good.

Were they all at the same time?

Somebody to live with me.

Thank you.

Now that's what I like to see. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, no. Touch her clit. Yeah.

This has been the real thing for me.

Say that.

with that video dog here.

Except in our room.

So we all leave by separate doors, right?

Yeah.

I'll leave first and you wait 10 minutes?

Yeah. You guys know what to do.

Hi, I'm Sarah Palin, and I approve this message.