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( passing car honks )

Hey, I like your knee socks.

( sighs ) They're not knee socks. They're fashion tights.

It's all one--

whatever. You wouldn't get it.

Yeah, I do. You mean they're opaque black up to the thigh,

sheer black up top.

Yeah, that's...

that's exactly right.

Yeah, I like it. I think it's hot.

Yeah, I like it too. I've just been really into, like,

wearing my thighs out lately. I feel like it's

sexualish and superpowery.

Mmm, you like that superpower sex, huh?

Yeah! ( laughing )

Yes, I see why you think that's funny.

Like in your world, that's probably really clever wordplay.

Could you guys buzz off? I'm trying to focus.

Focus on what? The wall?

( mocks ) "Focus on what? The wall?"

That's what you sound like.

No, I'm shooting a special here for HBO.

Maybe you've heard of it. It's kind of a big deal.

At Largo? That's, like, barely 300 seats.

( scoffs ) ( laughing )

Well, I'm actually doing it in the--

the littler room.

( laughs ) The little room?

That's like 50 seats.

( men laughing )

39 with the fire marshal code. ( guffawing )

Whatever!

Hey, you need to call your agent.

Can't be doing no HBO special for 39 people!

That's like super tiny.

It's called intimate, fuckface!

What's that, pot?

Mmm mmm. It's a bunch of stuff.

Hey, tell us a joke.

What do you call a car full of Mexicans?

What?

Pains in my ass...

( exhales )

...hole.

( laughing )

Emcee: Please put your hands together for Miss Sarah Silverman.

Tell me I'm great.

What? Tell me I'm great! Tell me I'm great!

You're crazy-8.

Crazy great.

( Latin music playing )

( chuckling )

Oh.

( applause, cheering )

( sighs )

I very rarely,

occasionally,

obsessively watch porn

on my phone.

And when I do, I integrate it into my nighttime rituals.

I wash my face.

I floss. I take a puff.

Then I brush.

Then I do my stretches.

Then I type in my search words.

Let me just say, my search words

are not anything I would want to happen in real life.

I don't know why they're my search words, but they are.

A great man once said,

"The heart wants what it wants."

So my search words are:

gangbang--

would not want that to happen in real life;

um, amateur--

'cause I don't like seeing, like, piercings and tattoos--

it takes me out of it;

cum--

which I would not have thought you had to put "cum."

I thought that was a given in pornography.

You have to put "cum."

If you don't, you might not get cum.

If anything, I would think you'd put non-cum

if you don't want cum.

And then there's one more. Oh, high-fives.

So... ( laughing )

I put my iPhone-- I lean it against my water on my nightstand.

And...

I think I'm maybe the only person that watched this video

all the way till the end end end,

like when the video freezes.

It's, of course, a gangbang

and, you know, basically ends with

all the guys coming on the lady's face.

And--

I don't know why face was the quiet word there.

All the men come on the lady's

( whispers ) face.

And then right before the video freezes,

I heard a guy say to her,

"Hey, great job. I know you were sick."

You find humanity...

in the oddest of places.

So my mom was in the hospital and I visited her.

I don't need segues.

The brain doesn't work that way.

A train of thought bounces around from thing to thing.

But anyway, speaking of a whole bunch of men coming on a lady's face,

my mother's been sick.

And I visited her in the hospital

and she said, "It's weird, you know?"

There was this Jewish volunteer service that came by

and they were visiting the Jewish patients, which is nice,

but isn't that so, like, elitist?

Like what, do they, like, banana around the non-Jewish patients?

Like, "None for you."

But my mother's last name is O'Hara.

She married a John O'Hara.

And she said, "They visited me. Like, how they did know I was Jewish?"

And we looked into it and it turns out

they count how many times you press the call button.

I had a, um-- you ever have a memory

and you-- that you haven't had since the event happened?

You know what I mean? It's so crazy.

I had this memory of being like three

and I would shower with my mother.

And, like, my mom's...

okay, my mom got her water from the showerhead,

like that's where she would get her water

with which to cleanse herself.

That water would then

cascade down her ample bosom

and, like,

pike off of her '70s Jew bush...

that was my water.

And that's the thing, it was a happy memory.

I associate it with happy.

I don't know why. Like, it was my very own curly shower

or something.

Maybe because we didn't need words.

You know, it wasn't like she was like, "You get your water from my pubes," you know.

We didn't need any of that. It was like I was--

I was like a native

that knew you could get water from this leaf or something.

It was very...

animalistic.

I was a bedwetter well into my teens.

And when you're a bedwetter,

there's only one group of people you can feel better than:

bedshitters.

And unfortunately they're hard to come by.

You know?

I love this-- The HBO 39.

But I grew up in New Hampshire,

and there are not many Jews in New Hampshire.

And we-- we weren't really raised with any religion.

We were just Jewish in that it oozed out of our pores, you know.

Um, but I didn't feel so different

until maybe like around third grade.

Kids started blaming me

for my people killing Jesus.

I remember even then thinking,

"It's not like we killed baby Jesus."

I mean, the man, like...

He had quite a run.

He was 33.

33 is young. If someone dies now at 33, it's terrible.

But I mean, back then, in the olden oldie-timey times...

( chuckles ) 33 was like elderly.

33-- dying at 33 was like he had a full life, you know.

And by the way, you're welcome.

If we had not killed him, he wouldn't even be famous.

You know, and nothing seems crazy when you're used to it.

There's so much crazy shit everywhere.

We're used to it. And everything seems crazy when you're not used to it.

That's why so many comics make fun of Scientology, right?

Because like-- well, because it's a batshit crazy religion,

but it's no more batshit crazy

than, like, every single religion.

It's just new, you know.

Christianity is super old, but it's fucking crazy.

I mean, it's-- you're born a sinner.

By being born, you are a sinner

and you're going to hell.

But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven.

No big deal.

If you're a murderer...

same thing, it's just apologize and go to heaven.

You can be Hitler

and go to confession and say, "Forgive me, Father,

I killed six million Jews." And the priest would just be like,

"No problem. Say 10 'Heil' Marys."

And Hitler goes to heaven.

Hitler goes to heaven...

is the name of my band.

Scientology is weird because it's new.

It's-- it feels weird in our ear holes

to hear people worshipping a guy named Ron.

We know Rons in our life.

He had to change his name to "L. Ron"

because there was another Ron Hubbard in the Writer's Guild.

That's how recent a religion it is.

And people who follow their religion to the letter of the law

are just silly.

I mean, I want to tell Hasidic Jews,

"I promise you, God will not mind

if you wear a nice cotton blend in the summer.

"You're being fucking ridiculous!"

But we live in the greatest country in the world.

A country where we have freedom of religion

and separation of church and state,

only we dont at all and nobody says anything

'cause we're used to it.

It says, "In God we trust" on our money.

It says, "In God we trust"

above the judge's bench in a courtroom,

in a court of law where you have to put your hand on a Bible--

the Christian Bible. It's not my Bible.

I mean, if-- if I tell the truth,

it's because I tell the truth,

not because I put my hand on a book and made a wish.

It's fucking crazy.

That's craziness.

And stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up.

I think...

I think it's a mistake.

Not because they can't, but because

it would've never occurred to them they couldn't.

You're planting that seed in their heads.

It's like saying, "Hey, when you get in the shower,

I'm not gonna read your diary."

"Hold on. Are you gonna read my diary?"

"What? Are you crazy? I just said

I'm not gonna read your diary.

Get in the shower."

Girls grow up so fast.

It's like they don't have childhoods anymore.

They're sexualized so early, you know.

I-- a girlfriend of mine has a little baby girl

and I babysat her.

I changed her diaper--

totally shaved.

Six months old.

What a country.

That's my new catchphrase. I know that Yakov Smirnoff said it in the '80s,

but I'm repurposing it with a malaise.

I just wanna shake girls. All the girls here,

I wanna just tell you you don't need a vaginal deodorant, okay?

I know it seems like a real thing

because there's real commercials and for some reason we trust that--

that commercials mean it's real, you know?

And there's real products on shelves.

No, it's a made-up need

made by greedy, money-addicted,

faceless corporations

preying on a woman's greatest insecurity--

smelly vagina.

If you use regular soap and water in the show--

use whatever you wash your asshole with. How about that?

Surely that's strong enough

for your disgusting vagina.

Rinse,

and if when you get out of the shower,

there's still like something,

like a rancidishness coming,

um, go to the doctor.

Don't spray perfume on it. That's fucking crazy.

That's what a crazy person would do. Do you see now?

Are your eyes open? Are you living a conscious life?

I'm lucky I don't have to worry about that because...

I've been with a few men who have told me that my vagina

smells like a, um,

a peach...

a peach tree.

A--

a peach tree dish. Is that a thing?

That joke took real acting. Real-life acting.

You had the craziest reaction.

He just-- his arms were folded and he just went like-- ( sighs )

Like, "Oh, Sarah!

You're incorrigible."

Oh, I'm corrigible.

It's not all "The Man." It isn't.

It's not all corporate America. It's us too.

We have to take responsibility too. We shit on ourselves.

We-we scrutinize ourselves.

We-we-we--

we think that self-deprecation is modesty.

It's not. It's self-obsession,

and there's no room for anything else.

You think-- you think Mother Theresa walked around

complaining that the tops of her thighs touched?

I mean, they didn't. She was stick thin, the fucking bitch.

But she wasn't like, "Okay, this is fine, okay?

But it's like then I clench and it's all oatmeal."

No, she was busy.

She had things to do.

You know one thing I've noticed, people who say the phrase,

"Threw me under the bus,"

um, say it lot.

You know?

And I don't think it's because they get thrown under the bus a lot.

I think it's because they-- they deflect blame a lot.

I think it's because they look inward not a lot.

And I-- you know, Jesus had a great quote--

and I know all his quotes are great. There's no Jesus B-sides.

But...

and I'm paraphrasing-- but it's basically like,

"If you don't deal with your shit, your shit deals with you."

You know, but it had like "doth" in it.

And... it's so true.

And I made a short list that I think can help

people who don't look inward ever.

Um, one:

if you quit being cunty,

the whole world will stop being against you.

If you have terrible luck with roommates,

you're the terrible roommate.

It's you, doll.

If you feel like the whole world is judging you

all the time,

you're an alcoholic.

I don't know why, but specifically alcohol.

Dear sirs,

your middle-aged pierced ear

tells a different story than you think it does.

To women of a certain age:

your heartbreaking and drastic attempts to look younger

are the reason your daughter

doesn't dream about her future.

Insecurity burbles up

in all corners of us, you know.

Either you have a chip on your shoulder,

you feel like people are disrespecting you all the time,

or you get really braggy.

You want people to know who you know,

but you, like, hide it by shitting on them.

Like, "How many fucking videos

of a monkey smelling his assy fingers

and falling out of a tree can Helen Mirren send me?

It's like ridic."

Look at my space work there.

It's impressive, isn't it?

What does that tell you? BlackBerry.

Guess what? Guess what?

I don't even own a BlackBerry.

I shadowed someone who does

for months...

to do that bit.

There are people that-- it's their survival.

It's the way they deal with life,

to see themselves differently

than the way the rest of the world sees them, you know.

You get the idea if these people were

one or two degrees more onto themselves,

they'd fucking kill themselves.

I consider myself one of them.

I get out of the shower and I'm like,

"Nice try, mirror. Those are obviously my mom's boobs."

Sometimes insecurity proves you right.

I mean, I--

when I moved to L.A., I had an eyebrow.

And my roommate at the time was like,

"Hey, let's go make this into two.

Like, each eye can have one."

And so I went to her waxing lady.

I had never been to like a waxing lady

and the lady called me in and I'm like following her into a room

and she turns around and she goes,

"What are we doing today? Just the mustache?"

I don't have a mustache.

What? I bleach my mustache.

That means it's invisible.

Bright yellow means you can't see it.

But she did, she waxed it, and I remember walking out of the door

and being like-- I could feel the wind on it, you know?

What about this one?

( deep voice ) "Yeah, whatever."

That, like, jerk-off thing.

I believe that's from insecurity.

( deep voice ) "Yeah, whatever.

Pfftt."

What is a guy saying when he does that?

He's saying, "Whatever it is we're talking about here,

I don't give a shit."

Really?

I think you do give a shit.

If he didn't give a shit, wouldn't he be just be like...

I think you do give a shit, sir.

What is he saying? He's saying, "Whatever it is we're talking about here",

please don't think I care.

Oh my God, I would die if you thought I cared.

In exchange,

feel free to know my personal jerking-off style.

It is so important to me

that you think I don't care about whatever it is we're talking about here,

I'm willing to exchange that for you knowing

that my masturbation style is that, like,

I don't-- I don't move my hand.

My hand is still and I, like, fuck my hand.

My hand is locked. And then, like,

I fuck-- I pretend it's a vagina. I'm not a faggot.

And I fuck my hand.

I make it like she's shorter than me.

Like it's lower and I have to like scoop it in.

Oh, fuck you.

Sometimes I say it. I go, 'Scoop.

Scoop.

Scoop.'

But please don't think I care. Oh my God.

"I would die."

Traumatic things happened to that guy.

Traumatic things happened to all of you, by the way.

Traumatic things happened to all of us.

We just don't realize it because

there's no music informing us how to feel

or what's gonna come up. There's no slow motion.

It just happens in real time and then the next moment and the next moment.

My sister used to babysit me when I was three.

And she would-- she would--

okay, I used to think this was a heartbreaking story about me.

It's a heartbreaking story about my sister Susie,

because she was so, um--

she was so starved for love,

she was so needy for love.

And she would come out and she'd say,

"Sarah, if I drink this orange juice,

I'm gonna turn into a monster."

And I was so scared. I wish I had the foresight to say,

"Hey, how about don't even pour the orange juice?"

But I didn't. I didn't think that far ahead. I was three.

And I'd go... ( crying ) "Susie, no no!"

She'd go...

whip open the laundry nook

and put on this brown leather ski mask--

which why the Silverman family needed a brown leather ski mask

I still do not know.

She puts it on and she like... ( roars )

I mean I thought I was going to die.

I felt the feeling of I'm going to die when I was three.

And then this is what's so heartbreaking, she'd go...

( monster voice ) "I will only turn back into Susie

if you hug me."

Like, I wish I had the wherewithal to be like,

"Suse, you want a hug? I'd love to hug you.

Let's cut out the middleman where I shit my pants."

But instead I'm inching towards

this monster I'm terrified of to hug it.

Oh God, I'm sorry. That's every relationship I've ever been in.

There you go. Breakthrough on stage, HBO Special.

She would take the-- that threw me for a loop.

She'd take the biggest knife out of the kitchen drawer

and be like, "It's so funny. Like, I could kill you right now.

Isn't that funny?"

She gets so upset when I bring this up.

No, she's so sweet now. And she--

it literally makes her cry when I bring this up,

but thank God, umm...

she doesn't have HBO.

But she's like this

liberal, hippy, feminist rabbi

that lives in Israel now and she's got five kids

and her oldest daughter is going to Brandeis next year,

which is-- only from Israel can going to Brandeis

be a step down in Jewy-ness.

I don't know if you're familiar

with Brandeis. It's not technically a Jewish school,

but I think the team mascot is a nose.

If that helps you at all.

Okay, this would be terrible if I had just made it up.

I didn't. This is really upsetting.

But the University of North Carolina

did a study and what they found was that

9/11 widows give great handjobs.

And I...

Don't shoot the messenger.

I wish it wasn't true, but--

or I am happy for them and their new...

boyfriends.

I made that up. I'm sorry.

I made that up.

I thought of it and it made me giggle,

and then I got really sad,

and then I still needed to say it to you.

I don't know what part of me

needs to say to you

that 9/11 widows give great handjobs.

That's dark.

That's something I'm gonna talk about in therapy.

But I wanted to say it.

I needed to say it to you, and so I built a frame around it

that forced you to not be able to blame me for saying it.

And-- but you know what?

I feel like you should take some of the blame.

Honestly, because you decided

to believe that the University of North Carolina

would spend money on a study of, what?

Trauma-based handjobs? That's crazy.

You're crazy. You're being crazy right now.

Hmm, I need more rape jokes.

I do. I-- rape jokes are a hidden gem in comedy.

Let me explain. Rape, obviously

the most heinous crime imaginable.

Rape jokes

are great.

No, because they make a comic

seem so edgy and so dangerous.

And the truth is it's like the safest area

to talk about in comedy,

because who is gonna complain about a rape joke?

I mean, I would say rape victims,

but they're traditionally not complainers.

( men laughing )

I know. That's a tasteless joke

about the fact that rape victims

often don't report rape.

I mean, the worst thing that could happen really is

someone comes up to you

after a show and is like, "Look,

I'm a victim of rape and I just wanna say

I thought that joke was insensitive and inappropriate

and totally my fault and I am so sorry."

Yeah! Right?

Let's take back the night back.

Oh God. I hope I don't have to say that,

you know, no woman is asking to be raped.

I actually do think there are some women

who are asking to be motorboated.

I have a dog

who is 19 years old

and that's true.

And he-- you know, sometimes the audience claps

because they're really happy for me

that I took care of a 19-year-old--

( applause ) No, forget it now!

Don't. Stop.

He has got these beautiful big blue eyes

floating over his big brown eyes and he, um...

His breath, um--

I've really really thought about this. ( clears throat )

His breath smells like

if all the farts

from all the different, like, cultures

and nations in the world combine together...

and then passed through my grandpa's teeth.

And he was constipated and it's so heartbreaking.

You know, when a dog gets constipated and they--

you can tell because their little knees like quiver.

They quiver.

And he's pushing so hard and then, like,

something broke through

and his mouth made a shape

I've never seen on a dog.

I didn't know it was possible. It was like a perfect circle.

Like, "Ohh!"

And his little tiny rectum was bleeding...

Audience: Awww.

...and I went to take a picture and I--

for the vet.

"The vet"...

is what I call Twitter.

And...

You know, when you take a picture,

but it's video and you don't realize it?

It was basically a picture, but it was like a second and a half

and it had breath,

ended with me going like, "Urg."

He's great now. He shits like crazy.

Only thing that keeps him from shitting in his pants

is he-- he-- he doesn't wear pants.

That's a terrible joke.

If you do have a dog, here's a great game.

You're gonna love this. When you're having sex,

lock eyes with your dog.

And then you see who looks away first.

It's a fun game.

Pussy. "Pussy" is a word--

it used to have so much power over me.

When I was in high school, the word "pussy,"

it was so-- it grossed me out

and yet it was titillating and I just had--

I felt like I had Christmas lights inside me.

It just affected me so much.

I don't even understand how,

but when I was young it was like if somebody said it

or if I read it somewhere

or sometimes I would write it down and look at it...

Now I'm just dead inside.

Pussy, pussy. Who cares?

I found a way to make "pussy"

gross again. It's so simple.

All you have to do is puff out your cheeks when you say it.

Like, "Puhssy."

Puhssy. Puhssy.

Now say that becomes old hat,

you can add some elements:

um, a deadness in the eyes,

a lisp.

"Puthy."

"Hey, man, you wanna go out and look for some puthy?"

Puthy. Puthy.

( laughs )

You look so confused.

You don't know how to feel. Just like me

when I first heard "puthy."

If you're drunk and throw up

on a man's penis mid-blowjob,

you can save the moment if you can muster a "ta-da."

I love you guys.

This is embarrassing. This is a--

this is a confession, okay?

Uh.

Sometimes I get an orgasm

from giving a blowjob.

Is that normal? Is that, like--

to get an orgasm from giving a--

oh, not giving a blowjob, taking a shit.

Ohh.

I-- you don't understand. I'm at a show too.

You're my show and that joke--

is so fun to tell because, like,

at the first juncture, the guys are like this,

and the girls are like this.

And then it just goes whoo!

It's like the wave.

Don't forget God can see you masturbating.

But don't stop. He's almost there.

( scattered applause )

I'm just kidding. There's no God.

I believe in miracles though.

I really do. I mean, they're obviously science-based.

But...

they're beyond my comprehension,

so to me they're miracles. That's what miracles are.

And we are miracles.

Think about this: every single person

in this room tonight, all 39--

including me, 40 of us,

there was a time in history--

a blip ago in the scope of history--

where we were all microscopic specks.

That was far out, right? Everybody got deep.

There was a time where you could fit a million of me

on the head of a pin.

There was a time where I lived in my dad's balls.

That's the only life I knew.

There was a time where I literally

was choking on my dad's cum.

( audience moans )

I was five. No, I'm just kidding.

That's disgusting.

Erase.

That's not part of that joke. I...

It's just it went in my head and then I--

I couldn't be alone with it.

There was a time-- my dad, Donny "Schleppy" Silverman,

who does my taxes, who I Skype with every Saturday--

there was a time

where I literally exploded...

out of the-guy-who- taught-me-to-ski's

penis hole.

I can't believe I was ever that thin.

I'm an Obama person.

( cheers )

Yeah?

I like him. I've liked Obama

since before he ran for president the first time,

when he was a senator in Chicago.

Not like I'm so smart or hoity-toity.

I just-- he was on Letterman and I thought he was cool.

And I remember when he decided to run for president,

I was like, "I'm gonna work on that campaign."

And I did. And because I live in Los Angeles,

I could go to this fundraiser out here

that was just star-studded, like a who's-who.

And you could walk-- you know, he was just a senator at the time,

so you could walk right up to him and pet him

and I did.

I wanted to think of something smart to say

or a question to ask and I was like... ( clears throat )

"Senator Obama, when you were a student in Boston,

did you ever encounter any racism?"

And I'll never forget what he said. He said--

he said, "I'm Kanye West."

And I was like, "Totally.

I'm Kanye West too. We all are.

I get it. I get it."

We're so divided. We live in a very divided country.

Like, it's crazy, you know?

It's not even about

ideas anymore.

It's not even about ideals anymore.

It's just teams. It's just the Red Sox and the Yankees.

It's just hatred, you know?

And I think whether you're liberal

or you're conservative, it's so important to remember

that we, all of us, love our families,

love our country,

believe what we're doing is right.

You know, maybe liberals are a little more open-minded,

a little more progressive.

You know, maybe conservatives are a little less progressive,

a little more faggotish.

But I pray for them.

I do.

I was just literally praying

for the billions of teeny, tiny Republicans

that die every single year in hookers' assholes.

I know what some of you are thinking,

and you're right, you're right.

"Really? That's what you're gonna pick on, the Republican Party?"

That's what you're pick-- choosing to pick on?

You know, I mean, surely there are Democrats

that have butt sex with prostitutes." You're right.

You're 100% right. There are.

But Democrats aren't trying to take my rights away.

So when a Democrat

gives a hooker anal warts,

she can then go to a clinic and get that shit zapped.

It's just bewildering to me that a party

that is so about having big government

out of their backyard is so intent

on legislating my "puthy,"

my pussy.

My pu-- my pussy.

People don't make the simplest connections, you know?

Hmm, I feel like I have shit here.

I don't?

That'd be my biggest fear.

Okay. Do I have anything in my teeth?

I ate blueberries.

Yeah, people don't make the simplest connections.

I think because we're so close to our own lives,

you know, but even in deep ways, but even in not deep--

like I used to work at a club...

like a music club kinda like this.

It had tables and I was--

you know, I lit the candles at the tables

and put the fliers out and stuff.

And the band that was playing had sound check.

And they did their sound check and left.

But the drummer stayed and she was just

sitting at her drums, watching me set up.

And I was talking to her and I made some stupid joke

and she goes, "Ba-dum-bump."

I was like, "You know that comes from drums, right?"

"You're sitting at drums."

It's like people who go,

"Don't get your dog from a breeder!

Get your dog from a shelter. You're a fucking asshole

if you get your dog from a breeder."

Okay, I agree. I got my dog from a shelter.

But it's always coming from a woman who's like

nursing a baby with four other kids

and I just wanna say like,

"Get your people from a shelter."

"You know there are human puppies in shelters, right?"

But people don't like people as much as they like dogs

'cause they don't-- they don't see what they hate in themselves

looking back in a dog's eyes, you know?

If Africa was just all Labradoodles

dying of AIDS...

we would take care of it in one day.

But I wanna have kids.

I'm great with kids. I am.

I have a lot of bits.

Like little girls between, like, two and six-ish,

I like to go like this, I go...

"I'm gonna tell you a secret."

You cannot tell anybody.

( whispers ) I'm a princess.

"But I dress regular so people treat me normal."

And their brains fucking explode.

It's so funny.

And then the rest of the day, they're spying me

like I'm a celebrity, which I know I am,

but a lot of toddlers don't know that.

And it does, it levels the playing field.

Or boys or girls like toddler age, like two-year-olds,

if their parents, like, introduce me,

I like to go, "I'm your new mommy."

They're so into their mommies at that age.

They're always like... ( screams ) "No, you're not."

( laughing )

And then I go, "I'm just kidding."

And then just as they start to relax,

I go, "I'm your real mommy."

That's more just fun for me.

But I do, I want a baby.

The thing with me is, like, the caveat is

I don't want like a 10-year-old in 10 years.

You know what I mean? I want a baby.

I figured out a solution I think works for me.

I'm not preaching it to anybody, but, um,

like, I think I'm gonna adopt, like,

terminally-ill babies...

every six months to two years-ish or--

I feel like there is a blanket of judgment

in this area.

Why?

Are you thinking, "What kind of person would look

to adopt a dying baby?" I mean,

I think an amazing person.

I'm amazing.

I have a hu-- my heart is too big.

Like, I can't take it.

My heart can't take-- I don't like being made to feel.

Like Pixar movies? No fucking way.

"Wall-E"? Like the idea to me

of a lonely robot in space breaks me.

Good, bad-- I don't wanna feel.

I don't like it. Like, my mother sent me an email that said,

"Elephants reunite after 20 years!"

Delete.

I am not even gonna read that.

That will kill me. I'm afraid it will kill me.

Those commercials with a starving kid in Africa

with flies buzzing around him? I have to remind myself, like,

"It's just an actor. It's just an actor."

( sighs )

I love being able to see all 39 of you.

Like, it's so cool.

But you know who's amazing is the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

Just to-- you know, they-- if you're not familiar with what they do,

they work with terminally-ill children and young adults.

And what they will do is they will grant these kids

any wish they dream up,

except for not dying.

Which I feel like I'm being nitpicky,

'cause what they do is amazing, but like,

I feel like that's gonna be maybe even like 60%

of their #1 wishes.

I just feel like

if there was a suggestion box or something,

I'd say, "Maybe call it Make-another-Wish."

You guys did a great job.

I'm gonna reward you with an incredible song.

( applause )

Oh oh.

( strumming guitar )

Is this in tune?

Are you a musician?

Oh, you should get a haircut.

All right.

( strumming )

Let's make this real hot and sexy.

Nothing but the best for the Largo 39.

♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪

♪ You better be a singer ♪

♪ And not somebody ♪

♪ Cutting me in line ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪

♪ You better sing a solo ♪

♪ And not be someone treating me unkind ♪

♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪

♪ It better be for reals ♪

♪ And not some sad, pathetic ♪

♪ Kind of front ♪

♪ If you're selfish and you're thoughtless ♪

♪ And you're broken ♪

♪ And you're heartless ♪

♪ You're probably not a diva ♪

♪ You're a cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt ♪

♪ Cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt ♪

♪ Cunt ♪

♪ Cu-uuunt ♪

♪ Cunt. ♪

( cheering ) Thank you so much.

Good night!

Hey, how did it go?

Oh, it was, uh--

you know, it's hard to say

'cause it's me and it's--

comedy is so subjective, you know.

But I guess if I had to say in one word,

I'd describe it as, like, "game changer."

Oh, that's two words, what am I saying?

Um...

"mind blowing."

That's two words again, God!

Okay, I'm gonna have to describe it in two words.

Uh, "great job, Sarah." ( car departs )

Hey! ( tires squeal )

( sighs )

( piano music playing ) ( ball bouncing )

( piano music continuing )

( music fades )