Original subtitles

Uh, I was wondering if you by any chance...

Still had the offer?

Maybe a fresh start would be good.

What about taking our finger to a lab?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, if it isn't Jay Pflug's, whose is it?

There's a secret room in the building where your husband

ran an illegal poker game.

I'm more interested in what you're up to, Charles.

You hooked up with a suspect!

I can't find my phone. I might have left it in the minivan.

Or Sofia stole it.

Oliver, get your car, we're gonna intercept her.

- Wait, you just missed our turn! - No, no, this is a shortcut.

- How do you know that? - I grew up here.

What is she doing in Flatbush?

I don't know, but maybe you could shop for apartments while we're here.

All these invoices are made out to "Tommy."

Tommy the Tongue is not a person, it's a company.

And that company is worth a shit-ton of money,

except that money was withdrawn, all of it,

- first thing this damn morning. - By who?

Who would want the money that bad to kill those dudes?

Hide!

Their wives.

What makes a home?

Is it just four walls sheltering the accumulation of a whole life?

Or is it the safe house for all your memories?

The good...

...and the bad.

After you leave childhood behind,

the first home you make for yourself

becomes so much a part of your identity

that on sleepless nights, it forces you to wonder...

who are you without your home?

And what would you do if it were gone?

Oh.

It's all gone.

Everything, everything.

- Everything. - I know, baby.

I know, my love.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

No, I was on set when the call came in.

That's why I went straight to the airport.

They said it was a short in my electric tea kettle.

Oh.

- You know... - Look, look, I...

I want you to know one thing. Not everything is gone.

I know. I have you, you have me.

That's really... That's all that matters, I...

- Yeah. - Wow, you really sold that.

No, but it's my dad's dog tags from Omaha Beach.

You know? And then I only had a few little pictures of Dicky...

of the baby before I had to give him up,

and all my Playbills, and...

...just, you know, all my stuff. It's my stuff.

Okay, come here.

Over here.

So now, you have new stuff!

Our stuff, our wedding haul.

Oh, my God.

It's just not, you know, the stuff,

it's just 47 years I was in that apartment.

I just feel like part of me is gone.

Well, now, part of you now looks like a cabbage tureen.

Oliver, Only Murders in the Building, season five:

- Widows' Peak. - How good is that?

Because the widows have piqued our suspicion.

Different spelling, but we think it plays.

Yeah.

- Hi. - Mm.

- Loretta, I'm so sorry. - Oh.

You're a sweetie.

But you know, I didn't fly all this way for doom and gloom.

Let's talk murder. Hi.

Uh, hi...

Sofia Caccimelio,

seen handing a plaid bag to Lester's widow

after a mysterious bank account...

How do I make accounting sexy?

- Can I? - Yeah.

Um...

Two scorned women, black widows, slain husbands.

Ooh.

- Swiss accounts. - Oh!

Who said anything about Swiss accounts?

Yeah, you want sexy? She's serving sexy.

Okay, we now have two new suspects

that we can actually podcast about.

Although, Charles made out with Sofia,

who made off with his phone.

Oh! She returned the phone.

She didn't call up, so she doesn't wanna see me again.

Thank goodness!

She's a murderous mob wife.

We hit it, we quit it, we over.

I've had the entrée, and now I'm back to the apps,

the dating apps.

I was all over the apps

before I met you, Ollie.

Well, I... I also dabbled, you know.

Last Gasp. Yeah.

Old-Gasm.

Silver Shrivel.

Help... I've fallen in love...

And I can't get it up.

Hey, guys?

Hey, guys, um, let's focus on Rainey.

- Oh, yeah. Okay, sorry. - Because where was she

the night of the murders?

And what did Sofia give her in the plaid bag?

You know, Oliver, since you're from Brooklyn...

Oh, sure, send the Brooklynite to Brooklyn.

I thought you young people were against profiling.

Anyway, Rainey hates me.

Hm, but she doesn't know me.

Or Emily Lawler.

Emily Lawler, the... the detective I played on SVU.

- Oh. Uh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Right. - Yeah, it was a small part, but I mean...

She had a great chunky Cajun drawl,

you know, and she had a great backstory.

She, um...

...she fell down a well as a child.

Her backstory was that she was in a well?

She fell down a well as a child.

She was down a well three days, just her and the 'gator.

I had a whole monologue about it.

It was gonna be my breakout, I thought.

But then, they cut it, and they just pulled the whole episode,

and you know, who knows why.

- Is it too long? Maybe. - Eh...

But what is long?

- I mean, if you... - I think this

may be too long.

Okay, but I just wanted to be Emily Lawler,

because I've had a... a really bad day,

and I don't wanna be me.

- I don't... - Oh, babe. Baby, baby, baby.

Let's... Let's go to Brooklyn.

You show me your hometown, 'kay?

- Okay, okay. - Okay.

And do you still have the trench coat from Death Rattle Dazzle?

Because I think Emily would feel...

...buck naked without her trench coat.

I love that we can share clothes.

We can share.

Quirky.

- I'm here for a finger. - Charles!

Finally!

I hate having a body part in my freezer.

I wake up for a midnight snack and it's Haagen-Dazs, finger,

Haagen-Dazs, finger.

- Damn. - I know.

Without the hand, it looks kinda lonely.

No, I mean "damn," as in, this is just ice.

- What? - Someone fingered your finger.

Well, there's no signs of forced entry.

How's it look in there?

Anything outta place? Anything missing?

Everything seems the same.

Oh, shit, y'all got the big, nice ice cubes.

I love the big, nice ice cubes, make you feel rich.

Well, it's the little things, I guess.

Wait a minute. What's that?

Maybe the finger thief left it?

Oh wait, no.

I might have. I'm trying something new.

Uh, boots with rubber soles, very cool.

Housekeeper must've overlooked this. I'll take a photo.

She appreciates, uh, visual feedback.

Don't we all?

Charles, when was the last time you laid eyes on the finger?

When we put it in the freezer.

Great, so it could have been stolen anytime in the last week.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Last Gasp notification.

- I'm talking to someone very nice. - Oh, yeah?

And what's her kinks, huh?

Murdering? Dealing? Hitting and running?

You know what? I deserve that.

But that's why I'm trying online dating

to meet someone good for a change.

And have you?

- Mm. - Okay, you're being cute.

Let me see a pic.

Yep.

That's just a chin.

Yeah, it's a chin.

Come on.

We're doing a little game where we

exchange body part photos very slowly,

and I kinda roll it out, you know?

Holy!

Wow!

No.

No, you're not wearing an earring.

- Yes. - No, you're not.

- Priscilla likes it. Yeah. - I... I don't care what she says, you're...

- Okay, I'm taking it off, there you... - Okay, guys. Stop.

How can I get access to security cameras in the building?

Howard's robot BFF.

- They're in the lobby. - There we go.

- Okay, let's test my... - Okay.

- ...Oliver lore. - Yes.

- Flatbush. - Yes.

- You lived here from nine to 12... - Yeah, mm-hmm.

...with your second set of foster parents...

- Right. - ...Sue and Al.

Sue had the six cats. Al had the, uh, drinking problem.

- No, no, no, no, no, she had eight cats. - Oh.

And he called it a "drinking opportunity."

Oh, what I'd give to see you

- playing stick ball in a purple scarf... - Yeah.

...with those little preteen gams...

...just sliding right into home.

Can I play?

Ollie?

- Ice cream! - Hurry up!

- Not it! - Not it!

I'd say I miss those gams, but who are we kidding?

- I still got 'em. - Oh, yeah.

It's true.

Ooh, okay.

Rainey kills her husband and instantly puts her place up for sale.

That plaid bag is in there.

I feel it, I feel it.

And Emily Lawler's instincts are never wrong.

So embarrassing, caught listening to your own song, right?

Yeah, it's so cool.

Oh, let me just...

♪ I know you're watchin' ♪

♪ So go ahead, read my lips ♪

♪ Baby, I know you're so obsessed ♪

♪ You see me in your dreams ♪

Girl, this is you? This is a bop!

Thank you! I know, right?

But I just can't figure out how to turn it off.

♪ Wish that you were me ♪

♪ Don't you wish that you were me ♪

♪ Don't you wish that you were me ♪

Ah, okay. There we go.

Yeah, it's still on.

Wait.

Are you... Are you guys on a case?

- Yeah, there was a break-in... - No. No!

I mean, no, there's nothing. No.

A break-in?

Wait, you're on the 14th floor, right?

I wonder.

Okay, so last night, Gaga calls me.

And then after, I run into Seth... Rogen...

and we end up back at my penthouse doing shrooms.

And we're looking out the window and we're just, like,

tripping on this little light

that keeps moving around the 14th floor on the East Tower.

You think there was someone in my apartment?

Or she was just hallucinating.

That is what Seth Rogen said.

- You could just call him Seth. - No, I think it might be confusing,

'cause I'm also really good friends with Seth Meyers.

- Oh. - So, anyway,

Seth Rogen and I, we end up going to an apartment,

and sure enough, there is a little light

moving under the door.

Wait, hold up, do you remember what the apartment was?

14C.

And I thought that the C,

it looked like a little person wanting a hug.

But no one was hugging it back.

Oh my God, oh my God. THĒ!

I love you so much. Can we take a picture?

Mora?

I'm gonna need you to talk to her to get some more information.

- Wh... - Yeah, I clocked it.

Middle school besties, did everything together,

until you had some nuclear-level friendship blow-up.

Wow. You are a great detective.

No, I was just a teenage girl.

But then I got titties, and so did you.

So, we grow up, we get over it, and we move on, yeah?

- Hi. - Hello there.

Feel free, the flyers are there for your perusal.

Why, thank you very much.

Okay. Nice hat.

Oh!

- Hello. - Hello, welcome.

- Thanks. - Have a look.

Oh, this is the exact layout as the place I grew up in.

Oh, good, you... you kept the original floors.

And the tuberculosis.

Hmm.

This room is off limits.

I'm so, so, so sorry to scream out like that.

Um...

Uh, it's, um, PTSD from the well,

but I... I won't... I won't bore you with the whole story.

Name's Emily Lawler, just up here by way of Natchitoches.

Big change for a little swamp girl like me.

I was headin' on, uh, up the stairs and I heard "Vissi d'arte."

You know Tosca?

Oh, do I!

I played the Maria Callas part in my senior year at Lafayette.

Is that Floria Tosca's... dagger?

This is the same one Maria Callas used

in her final performance of Tosca at The Met.

- Oh... - Isn't it wonderful?

My husband came across it at a police repo auction.

- Mm. - On our 10th anniversary.

It was perfect!

He died this month.

Oh.

My condolences.

I lost mine this past year.

In a fire. I lost everything.

- Oh. - So...

Is this your lucky fella?

No, no, no, I was his lucky gal.

And we were married for 30 years, and every night

he would come home and kiss me on the head.

And then one night, no kiss and...

he was gone.

Yeah, he fell into the fountain

of the courtyard where we married.

Hmm.

Look at that woodwork!

You don't see moldings like that no more.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah, 100% pine.

- Are you serious? - On my mother...

- I would not lie to you, my friend. - Ah!

Listen, uh,

not for nothing, uh, what's your credit score?

Excuse me one sec.

I'll be right back.

- Pardon me. - Jesus Christ.

There are the bags. Ah, look at them.

Al, Sue, come on!

I'm asking you, please. The play's not a waste of time.

- I think you'll like it. - Look enough of this.

We're not going to any play, and neither are you.

We took him in. If he's got any free time,

he can work at the goddamn store.

Ah, don't be difficult now.

And it'll feel good for you to contribute to this house.

- Aw. - Al!

Not fair.

- If I may. - Hmm?

Why are you sellin'?

I would give anything to at least have my home

and my... my stuff back.

Yeah, I thought I'd feel the same way, but...

you know, I look around, and honestly, I...

I don't want any of this.

I want him.

Yeah.

And, anyway, it's not like I can afford to stay here.

I'm even selling the dagger.

My son thinks I can get $500 for this on eBay.

- Yeah. - Oh. Mm.

You wouldn't want this, would you?

So, you didn't find the bag, but you gave our suspect $500

to keep a weapon?

You didn't find a bag either.

Uh, side note, how much cash do you carry?

Oh, you know I don't trust banks.

Oh, and I do?!

Uh...

I don't care about my stuff.

I'm so glad you're in my life.

And that woman...

That woman didn't kill her husband.

She's barely hanging on.

Loretta, look.

The daily meeting of the Innocent Wives Club.

And that's the mobster's wife.

- Oh! - And that is a plaid bag

full of money, I'm guessing.

She played me. She played me like a fuckin' fiddle.

We're in pursuit, Putnam!

Oh! Uh, yeah, okay.

Howard, we need Robot Lester's help.

He prefers "LESTR."

You can use "Human Lester" for the dead one.

Oh, speaking of, I've styled new LESTR up

a bit more dashingly than the last one.

So, what do you need? LESTR can do anything.

Except cleanup spills. We're still shy around water.

I got killed by water yesterday.

Howard's gonna keep you dry.

You're safe with Howard.

- I don't feel safe at all. - Howard, we need to see footage

of Charles' front door from last night around...

What time were you creeping around?

With Seth Rogen? Around 2:30.

Ooh, I'm so excited, I did a clue.

LESTR, 2:30.

- You got that, babe? - Gotcha, Daddy.

Is that grooming?

Now, at the academy they prepared us for a lot of stuff,

but I ain't never seen no shit like this. I'm shook.

Okay, this is 1:00 to 3:00 a.m.

- Let me know when to stop. - Okay.

I was wearing my red feather cape, couture, gifted by Donatella.

- Yeah? - She raises, plucks,

and slaughters the birds, humanely, of course.

So, just look for plumes. I'll pop.

Yeah, I don't see any feathers.

Are you sure this is the right time?

LESTR doesn't make mistakes.

Well, I think he did, because I was there.

Were you, though? I mean,

maybe you were just telling a story about your celebrity friend,

and pretend you saw something that you didn't see

just because you have to make it

- all about you. - Mora!

Oh. Okay, yep, right there. See, look.

Can you go back to it again, but just go slower?

Here you go.

- Was that... - Humane fuckin' feathers.

Someone cut a chunk out of the footage. They tampered with it.

I'll bet that's when they took the finger.

Which means...

Althea was telling the truth.

Yep.

Well, Charles and I are gonna go to the precinct,

because if the cops have any footage of Lester

falling into the fountain, I wanna see it.

What about me?

You need to go and apologize to that girl.

Oh! Should we try to get closer?

No, no, no. I don't want them to see us.

Also, the bod's starting to tighten up. Did you pack a banana?

Hey, how's it going today? Do you care about dogs dying?

- Well, obviously, yes. - Oh, my God, yes, of course.

Well, I'm collecting signatures to stop New York City

from opening its first ever casino.

Right now, there's a few competing bids.

They're all just terrible for the city.

- So, if you could just... - Wait a minute, sorry.

What does that have to do with dogs?

Oh, uh, nothing, I just find it's a helpful way

to get people to stop, you know what I'm saying?

- Oh, my God, they're gone! - Oh, geez. Ah!

- Uh, anyway... - Saboteur!

- Oh, God, where'd they go? - We lost them.

Maybe we should head on up to the corner and split up.

Or no.

No, we should go back to her house and wait for them there, okay?

Oliver, what are you doing?

I didn't think this would still be here.

What?

Just for a minute, can I show you something?

Okay. Ooh.

What?

- This is it. - What?

The theater that made me love theater.

Oh. Oh, man.

Yeah, I can... I can see it.

Little Ollie...

owning the spotlight.

Well, it wasn't exactly like that.

No?

I was a... a quiet kid.

- Yeah. - No, it's true. I was.

Bouncing from place to place, you learn quiet is good.

Hmm.

If you make yourself small...

maybe a family will let you stay for a while.

So, I did, and it worked.

But I never...

felt at home.

Until one day... I stumbled into here.

There were kids putting on a show...

...and they were big, and loud, and unapologetic.

- And I... I wanted to be just like them. - Yeah.

They asked me to be in their play.

- Uh-huh? - Bit part,

but being on that stage was the feeling

that I'd been searching for my whole life.

- Mm. - I rehearsed my little butt off,

hemmed my costume.

But when I worked up the courage to invite Sue and Al...

they just...

I quit the play.

But on the night of the show, I couldn't stay away.

- Mm. - I snuck out...

...dressed in that costume,

just in case they still needed me.

And I watched Pat Rafferty say my line.

In my whole life...

I've only really felt like myself in two places.

I think... I think being back here today,

I... I've... I finally understand why I'm so afraid

- to leave the Arconia. - Hmm.

I got an offer on my place.

It's big.

How big?

Late-career Brando big.

- Oh, boy. - Yeah.

A cushion. Would be nice.

Yeah.

Oh, what am I saying?

But then again, uh... You know, you...

What are we doing?

I just...

I want you to say your line.

- My what? - Ollie.

You took this awful life you were given

and you turned it into something beautiful.

I refuse to let you think there's any

place on Earth you can't be happy,

starting right here.

- Okay? - Alright.

Okay.

But only if you do

the never-performed Emily Lawler monologue first.

- Oh, no, I'm not gonna... No. - Yes, yes, yes.

Get up, come on.

- I wanna see it. - I... I can't possibly.

I haven't even...

Man, I haven't thought about that in year...

Mr. Thibideaux.

You must think that I'm some damsel in distress.

Or maybe you think that I'm still that little girl,

stuck down in Bob Turley's borehole, beggin' for help.

But I'm not that little girl anymore,

Mr. Thibideaux.

One night, you gon' be lying in your bed,

warm and safe, and I'm gon' find you.

And with Pa's gun delivered straight down from heaven above,

I will put you in my sights just like that 'gator.

I can't wait to lower that gun...

and tell you...

No.

Y'all ain't even worth killin'.

Bravo!

- Spectacular. - Now, you!

Okay.

Hey, Fagin!

These sausages are moldy!

- That... That was the line? - That was it.

- Okay. That was it! - That was it.

That was... That's all there was.

Well...

if it ain't the crybaby con-artist.

Thought you could fool me, bitch?

You can drop the accent.

Okay, drop this.

We know about the emptied accounts.

We know about the bags of cash passed between bloodthirsty broads.

What the hell is going on here?

Did you follow me after my date with Ch...

- Where's Charles? - Back off, Sofia! He's fragile.

I think we were both in a fragile,

yet slightly horny...

Don't change the subject.

Fine.

My husband ran a few businesses in the Arconia,

and Lester worked for him.

I was bringing Rainey Lester's cut.

- Yeah, money you killed your husbands for. - Right.

Wait, nobody killed my husband.

He died by accident.

You think somebody killed my husband?

Who the fuck killed my Lester?!

- Y-You did. - Wrong! Give me names!

- I'm scared now, I can't remember. - There was a card game.

- Yes. Yes. Yes. - In the Arconia the night of our wedding.

No, but he said he wouldn't work for Nicky that night

so he could go to your wedding.

Oh, my God, why wasn't I there?

Oh, because I was here. We... We had rehearsal.

Well, can anyone corroborate that?

Yeah, 23 tone-deaf kids.

They'll be here in a minute.

You know, I... I teach musical theater.

I teach opera.

The money is to help keep the lights on.

- That's... - So, do you have any idea

who could have killed your husbands?

Did they have any enemies?

- No one! - Everyone.

Well, Lester didn't wanna tell me much about what he did.

He didn't feel good about the job,

but he was hoping to save enough for our big dream:

a place in the Arconia.

You know, it's where we met.

It's the last thing he ever said. Look.

- "It's beautiful." - Yeah.

- It's... - He got that right.

Okay, you're off my list

because you made me feel things.

You! Why are you here?

No!

Relax! It's one of my dumb son's toys.

- Oh. - Rainey's borrowing it

for her production of Newsies.

- Hi, kids! - Hey!

Newsies!

Oh. Can I help?

Thank you for caring about Lester.

And if this helps, uh, the police found it on him.

It's one of his bird whistles. I've carried it ever since.

Oh, thank you.

Come on.

Who's playing Cowboy Kelly?

Althea? It's Mabel.

Look, I came to talk...

Oh!

What the hell?

My name is THĒ!

Oh. Ow! Jesus Christ!

THĒ! Why are you throwing shoes at me?

Oh, did it hurt your feelings?

- No, but it hurt my arm! - Good, 'cause you know what?

I'm a famous pop star now who lives above you at the Arconia.

So, I have about a billion other free shoes

with very spiky heels!

God, what is your problem?

Will you stop it? I'm trying to apologize,

and you're acting like a fucking baby!

- Oh! - I'm the fucking baby?

You're the one that embarrassed me in front of my new neighbors.

Well, you're the one that made me afraid to be myself

and... be silly with girls.

Wait, what?

Sunny and Cloudy.

That thing we used to do

- before you changed. - I changed?

Yeah, you dyed your hair pink and made everyone call you "The", or...

You know what? Only after you ghosted me.

I didn't ghost you.

My friend died. I was depressed.

Well, nobody told me that, so I was depressed, too.

I had to double my Lexapro.

Oh, I doubled my Lexapro.

Honestly, thank God for Lexapro.

Honestly, thank God.

I don't know if you know this, but...

I wrote this song about you.

Yeah, the artwork kind of gives it away.

The sun and cloud clued me in.

But you're wrong.

I never wished I was you.

I know that.

Because I wished I was you.

Oh, Mabel.

You ditched me for your city friends.

And every time I came to visit you, you made me feel so lame.

And in my head, the Arconia was, like,

the coolest, fanciest place.

And that is why I wanted to live here.

You made it my dream.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to make you feel lame.

You're objectively not.

I mean, you're friends with Seth Rogen.

And Seth Meyers.

But you know, I really, really could use an old friend.

You think we could start over?

Can I keep these shoes?

Are you still a size eight?

Oliver, we got the courtyard security footage.

This is it, Oliver. Where's your laptop?

Uh, in my office.

Uh, young one. A word.

Uh... Ooh, I love your boots.

Thanks, they're Althea's.

Oh, did you drop a house on her?

- Actually, the witches made up. - Ah.

Well, speaking of houses...

Oh, no. Are you really leaving?

I wanted to tell you first.

Okay. I'm okay.

Are you... Are you going far?

Are you kidding?

Who is Oliver Putnam if he's not on the Upper West Side?

- Ollie, can you come help me? - Oh, uh...

- Oh, man. - I gotta send my new roomie

back to the burn unit.

What?

Oh, sorry, it's just Priscilla, she's so funny.

Look, Charles, I'm happy for you,

but if she starts asking for money,

or your mother's maiden name, or childhood pet's name...

...just let me know.

You don't have to worry about that. She's just interested in my day.

When I told her about the break-in, you should have seen her face.

Well, actually, I didn't even see her face

'cause the Wi-Fi in Portugal is so iffy.

You told her about the case?

Well, just a... a little tidbit.

I mean, she had a thousand questions about our plan,

and the conversation was slowing down.

You know what, give me your fuckin'

phone. You're being catfished, Charles.

Okay, play the footage.

Oh, my God.

Wh... S-So he was alone?

No, look.

Oh, I knew it. I fucking knew it.

Okay, so if you look right here, this glitch is from the same footage

as THĒ and Seth Rogen's.

Somebody has fucked with this shit, too.

Something has been cut out.

Um... why is the Last Gasp peach logo

the same as on the security footage?

It's the same company.

So, who owns the company that edited our footage

and is pumping Charles for info about our case?

Hold on, I'm lookin'.

What?

So, do we look for another two bedroom

so we can still use all my furniture?

Mm, we could, we could. Or we could start over.

I could do a Pinterest board, which is kind of like a murder board,

but for finding our style as a couple.

Alright, that would be great.

It takes bravery to build a new home,

and it's easier to be brave when you're in the arms

of someone who makes you feel safe.

But even for those who do build anew,

there remains a fear.

For they know that danger is always lurking,

and that no home is safe forever.

That's who's been messaging me?

Yup, and cooked the footage.

And maybe killed Lester.

What does it say?

You're such a smarty-pants.

Now, I need to come hunt you down.

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