Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Ow.

Woo-hoo hoo.

Woo hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

(cheering and applauding)

Damn, that was nice.

Thanks, y'all.

Oh, be comfortable, relax, everyone.

Thanks for coming out, man.

You guys are so nice.

Make ya feel good having your own TV show.

That's a good thing, man, you have your own show,

all these opportunities just open up.

Like, recently, I'm not bragging...

QVC, I don't know if you watch it.

They offered me my own line of clothing.

Now, I almost did it.

The only reason I didn't do it

was not because I don't like their products,

as much as I just don't like the way

they conduct themselves on the network.

They're just gross, man.

They just nasty people.

I don't know if you watch it.

This was on just last night,

we taped it just for the show.

Look at this, it's disgusting.

Okay!

I am being told our napkin ring bonanza is over,

we are totally sold out!

Now, Ron, you are actually wearing our next product,

a beautiful Timeco gold wristwatch.

I am, Jessica!

Now, not only is this watch attractive,

it keeps incredible time!

Uh, Ron, uh, I think you have a booger on your hand.

You're right, Jessica, I do!

Ha, ha, ha!

Better get rid of it, before one of our customers

bids on it!

I'll start the bidding at $9.95.

Sold!

You dick.

Pretty damn bad, huh?

It gets worse.

Look at this one.

Okay, now, I'm hearing we've gotta move on

to our next product.

Now, we have a beautiful set of cubic zirconia earrings

that one of our models, Tammy, is modeling.

Oh, very nice.

Nice, huh?

Oh, Tammy.

Looks like someone's having a herpes outbreak.

It's not genital herpes, it's just a cold sore!

No, that's genital herpes.

Believe me, I should know, I've had it since 1979.

Remember that place in...

I don't know where they get them models from.

Now, this next one...

this one made me actually wanna spit up.

Observe.

Okay, our sportswear tsunami continues to gather strength.

We have more ladies' bathing suits.

This is a beautiful bikini on Bonnie.

Whoa!

It's a jungle down there.

(Tarzan yell)

Me Jane. She hairy.

The rugs don't quite match the drapes,

have you noticed that?

(applauding)

That was fuckin' gross and hairy, man.

That just looks so nasty, doesn't it?

What would you do if you seen that lady?

Would you run?

Most niggas would be like...

Gotta do what I gotta do, son.

We all have our faults, you know.

Now, you guys, I don't know if you guys are big movie buffs,

but I collect DVDs.

For god's sakes, pick this one up.

(narrator) 25 years ago,

an epic motion picture was unleashed on America,

considered one of the most important films in history.

We are now proud to release this masterpiece on DVD.

For the very first time.

This one-of-a-kind, 25th anniversary

commemorative edition

features extras including cast interviews,

director commentary, and never-before-seen outtakes.

Kizzie, behold, the only thing greater than yourself.

Oh, oh!

Oh, I'm... hey, I'm sorry.

I told y'all not to give me a real baby.

Pissin' all over me and (beep).

Catch all the gags, spills, and hilarious practical jokes.

Coming fore to carry me home.

Your name is Toby!

Kunta Kinte!

Oh!

I said, your name is Toby!

Kunta Kinte!

Damn!

Steve, what'd I say about hitting so hard, man?

I'm sorry, are you all right?

You sorry?

I'm gonna show you sorry, man!

I'm gonna show you sorry!

(laughing)

I told y'all he's scared of me!

Hold on, let me get up there.

The Roots 25th anniversary commemorative edition on DVD.

(man) Including all Walbogs!

We'll be right back, with more Chappelle's Show.

Don't go anywhere.

Chappelle's Show, ow.

Hey, hey, welcome back!

You all know this is not my first show?

Did you know that?

No, I've had several attempts, man.

Uh, I actually, my first...

my first show that ever got on the air

was the ill-fated Buddies, on ABC.

The thing that was wrong with that show

was it was just irrelevant and not funny

by me having a white friend, like, "how incredible,

look at 'em, talking and laughing together."

And then, I did a show after that

that almost got to the air, but then I got sued

'cause it was a reality show.

It was raw and gritty.

You know, one of them hidden camera shows,

like Totally Hidden Video or something like this.

Mine was like that, but it was raw!

Like life!

I didn't wanna hit 'em soft.

Mine was supposed to be hard and real!

I got some clips I'll show you.

(announcer) Coming this fall, on the WB:

Look out, Jamie Kennedy!

There's a new video prankster in town,

and he goes by the name, Dave Chappelle!

Zapped!

Watch the look on these kids' faces

when Dave tells them their parents are dead.

How're you kids doing?

Well, kids, a doctor's job is hard,

and it never gets harder than telling you guys

that your parents are dead.

(children crying)

(laughing)

Foster care is coming to pick you guys up,

and somebody's gonna adopt you, right like this!

I would.

All right, guys, be good.

Be good to each other.

Hopefully, they don't split you up.

All right, take care.

Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you...

Psych!

I'm just kidding, come on out, mom and dad,

come on out.

Why did you do this to us?

Y'all been zapped!

Look out, America,

'cause when Dave Chappelle's around, you might get zapped!

Julie!

What up, playboy?

Damn it, how could you do this to me?

You've wasted eight years of my life!

Oh, come on, man, with all that shouting.

Dave Chappelle?

Jeez, Julie, why don't you just fuck JJ.?

JJ.?

I ain't JJ, but it was dyn-o-mite!

While we're on the subject,

I've been sleeping with my secretary

for the last three and a half years.

What?

This wasn't real, this was fake!

Well, what's that in his pants?

It's a dildo, dawg!

You have been zapped!

Dave Chappelle, you have ruined my life!

(laughing)

(cheering and applauding)

Now, the next one is the one that really

got me in a lot more trouble.

This is when the heat got turned up.

Observe.

Zapped!

All right, everybody, get on the fucking floor!

This is a robbery!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stay cool, big time, stay cool!

Don't you move, baby!

You've got 20 seconds to fill this bag with cash.

I don't wanna see a peep outta you.

Hey, big time, what you looking in my face for?

That's against the protocol of robbery!

You think it's a fuckin' game?

Shoot this motherfucka.

(shooting)

(barking)

Please, I have a family.

Oh, you got a family?

Well, guess what?

I eat cottage cheese for dinner, all right?

With salt and pepper.

You understand?

Now, I'm getting outta here.

I wanna tell y'all something...

you've been zapped!

(laughing)

Freeze, right there!

Look, we just doing a show...

Ow!

Damn, I got hit!

I didn't have nothing to do with that.

Sorry.

Be prepared to get zapped

Thursdays at 8:30.

This Fall, on the WB!

Mammy.

(moaning)

What, I can't make fun of that fucking frog?

Fuck that frog.

They don't be doing that on white networks.

As soon as a black network...

at the dubba WB.

I like chicken...

That's the most racist shit ever.

Welcome back, niggers, to the WB.

Hey, don't go anywhere, we'll be right back,

with more of this Chappelle's Show.

Yes, yes, we will!

Go ahead!

(applauding)

Welcome back.

This next piece is, uh, from my Masterpiece Theater archives.

It's actually dedicated to women who don't appreciate

their god-given assets.

I tell you ladies, especially y'all at home watchin',

appreciate your bodies for what they are

'cause you never know who might be likin' 'em.

What's with all the stretching?

Oh, you know the old adage: Big boobs, bad back.

Yeah, all set?

I'm a little worried, I didn't have a clean sports bra

so I had to wear a regular one.

You'll be fine, let's go.

(beating drums)

Oh, don't worry, Sheila, I'm sure nobody notices.

Really?

Yeah.

(man) Look at that lady.

Yeah, her bosooms are, like, bouncin' around and everything.

They're not talking about you.

Sweet Jesus, did you see the jugs on that brunette?

(man) Yeah!

I'm gonna go in.

Sheila, it's okay.

It's not okay!

Ow!

It's not okay!

Stupid boobs.

Nothing but an inconvenience.

I wish I didn't have 'em!

Ow.

Agh!

Careful what you wish for.

What? Who are you?

Who I am is not important,

but what you said about those titties is.

Follow me.

(bells ringing)

(Dave) It's easy, try it.

(Sheila) Hey, that's me.

And that's frank, the human resources man at my office.

He's always slobbering over me.

Not today.

So that's why I think I'm qualified for the promotion.

Yeah, well, um... we'll see.

Why is he being so dismissive?

What happened to my boobs?

Oh, you just answered your own question.

Them boobies is gone, girl, just like you wished for.

How did it go?

Not well.

That woman was a flat-chested bore.

Our clients will never respond to her.

For Pete's sake, she's got no melons.

So, should I tell her she's not getting the promotion?

Yes.

In fact, tell that titless freak she's fired.

Oh, I'm on it.

Oh, are guys really like that?

No.

My guy friends aren't like that.

(laughing)

Boo-yah!

(Sheila) Hey, look, it's Paul.

He's always been so helpful to me, such a loyal friend.

Hey, buddy, I have a painting I need to hang up in my bedroom,

do you think you could help?

Wow, I didn't even know we were buddies.

I always thought I was your personal handyman

'cause you're constantly asking me for favors

that I don't want to do.

You know what you need?

A new set of titties and a boyfriend,

then you'll be all set, all right?

What's gotten into him?

Well, it's not what's gotten into him

as much as it is what's gotten out of you.

By that, of course, I mean your massive milk bladders.

Paul, wait!

I still have big boobs!

He can't see you.

We'll see about that!

(jingling)

He can't see you,

but my black ass got 20/20 vision.

God damn, Sheila!

You men are the worst.

You're right.

Oh, my gosh, Sheila, you are right.

Women, the fairer sex,

they would never ever judge another woman

by the size of her boobies, now would they?

Mazel tov!

Hey, wait, those are my friends.

Oh, word?

Where's Sheila?

Wasn't she supposed to be a bridesmaid?

Oh, I was gonna have her be one,

then I thought, "am I getting bridesmaids,

or starting an itty-bitty titty committee?"

Oh!

(laughing)

I didn't even invite her to my wedding.

Oh, snap!

How could she do that?

'Cause your friends are bitches!

Besides, Sheila, even girls love girls with huge tats,

especially at a wedding.

The groom's friends gotta have somebody to sleep with.

I had no idea these things were so important.

Oh, keep it real, girl, them things are lifesavers.

Listen, I didn't want to put this on you,

but the fate of the world...

you hear me... the world rests on them chesticles!

Shazam!

(ringing alarm)

Hey, where do I know that crazy guy from?

He used to live next door to you.

You know, masturbating to you and those giant cans of yours

was all he had to live for.

Once you took that away,

he lost his mind and blew up the world!

Thanks a lot, Sheila.

No, no, no!

I don't want the world to end

just because of my sweater puppets!

Oh, that's a beautiful thought.

You should've thought about that

before you wished them sweet tits away.

World's going to end in about 10 seconds...

which is just enough time to suck a titty.

But where would I find a titty from?

I don't... well, hey, it's Sheila!

(screaming, explosion)

You've taught me a valuable lesson today.

I'm never going to curse my fun bags again.

In fact, I might even get implants.

All right.

You listen, world,

I've got humongoid knockers, and I'm proud of them.

(jingle)

Thanks, mister.

You must be an angel or something.

Angel?

I ain't no angel, I'm a janitor.

Then how did you show me all those places?

Girl, I am high on PCP.

I was gonna ask you how you was following me.

You smoke sherm... a little sherman?

No... uh, who are you?

I'm just a nigga that love titties.

Have a good day, miss.

(whistling)

All right, everybody, we'll take a quick commercial break

so you guys can throw up or do whatever you have to do,

and then we'll be back with more Chappelle's Show.

Hooray!

(cheering)

Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go to the Chappelle's Show.

To my audience here and my audience at home,

God bless you all, man.

God bless America.

I'm out!

I'm rich, bi-atch!

(horn honks)

Hi, thank you.

Now I gotta get up, wash all this blood off me,

and still get to the club before last call

'cause it's Fri-day night!

(laughing)

The WB!

WB?

Man, you told me this (bleep) was for HBO, man.

Ain't dying for no damn WB.

Look, it's Paul.

He's always been so helpful to me, such a loyal friend.

Word?

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, what did you say?

I had some titties on my neck.