Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Woo-hoo hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(techno music)

Dave

Dave

Dave Chappelle's a funny guy...

(tires screeching)

What the fuck are you doing?!

You gotta get outta my car.

I'm serious!

(tires squealing)

That crazy dancin' makin' my penis soft.

(audience laughing)

(hip-hop music)

Now, that is what I call dancin'!

You should've seen the girl

that was sittin' in there before you, whoo!

Oh, snap, there she go right there!

Ugh!

Oh, I'm gettin' ready to crash, girl, hold up.

Whoo!

(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen,

Dave Chappelle!

(cheers & applause)

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, man, no.

Welcome to this thing that we call Chappelle's Show.

This is the very first episode, I finally got my own show.

And, I mean, I'm serious.

When I say this is my show, this is my show.

I can show y'all whatever I want.

As a matter of fact, I'll show you a little bleeper... blooper.

It's a bleeper of a blooper, though.

Here, show that last Mitsubishi clip real quick.

(hip-hop music)

(laughter and applause)

Whoo!

Oh!

You gotta see that again in slow motion.

Look at my face when I see her titty pop out.

Play it again, play it again!

(laughter and applause)

You know the worst part about that?

I felt guilty, like I did that with my mind.

'Cause the whole time she was dancin',

I was like, "come on, titty, come on, titty!"

Well, this is it, this is the first episode.

Y'all ready, some sketch comedy,

y'all ready to see some sketches, some skits?

(cheers & applause)

Y'know, this first piece, actually

is dedicated to a copy place that I frequent.

And the reason I'm talking about them

is because their service sucks.

Well, I have obtained a copy of their training video.

Go ahead, America, take a look at my new expos�.

(female announcer) This is the official 2002

"Popcopy" employee training film

with your host, Ralph Henderson.

Hello, I'm Ralph Henderson.

And if you're watching this video,

that means you've just been hired to work here

at "Popular Copy".

Me and my friends are gonna show you the basics

of what it's like to work here.

You guys ready?

Yeah! Yeah!

Great.

First of all, never show up on time,

and if a supervisor happens to ask you where you were,

your response should sound something like this.

Manuel, why were you late?

Man, I got here when I could!

Shit, you're not my fucking moms!

(chuckles)

Perfect!

Occasionally, you may get snagged

by one of these customer people.

Just remember, your job is to frustrate them

and make them feel unwanted.

If you can, rap up a story

that will make them feel uncomfortable.

For instance...

you understand what I'm saying, right?

I mean, you know my reputation.

I don't give a fuck,

I'll go to Rikers for three or four years

just to prove my point, I don't play that shit.

Can I help you?

Or...

Hell, yeah, I suck toes!

Good afternoon, welcome to "Popcopy",

can I help you?

Or...

(man) What's wrong?

My butt is itchin' like crazy, and I took a shower.

Can I help you?

If a customer has a computer disk,

then look at it and tell them it's the wrong format.

If they use Apple, tell them we're PC

If they use PC, tell them we're Apple.

And if they got both, then tell them we use Linux.

And if they got that, tell them the computers are down.

They should be, anyhow.

You see, the whole system actually went down.

It's gonna be shut down for a couple hours.

Hours?

It happens.

The whole system?

But this is a big place, how can...

Listen, sister, I gotta go take a shit.

I don't believe he said that!

Should a customer get all uppity and ask to speak to a manager,

then tell them, "guess what?

I am the manager."

I wanna see the manager.

No, see, I am the manager.

You are the manager?

That's right, my friend.

I'm the only manager here.

Unless you want to talk to the "Popcopy" president

and I don't know him, you might could help me out with that.

I mean, really get in their face about it.

I wanna see your manager!

Guess what, nigga?

I am your manager, what's up?

You're the manager?!

That's right, how may I help you?

You done, that's it.

Your job is done, nigga, get out!

I'll see you later...

What are you talking about?!

Y'know, a lot of people ask, "why?"

"Why treat the customer this way?"

Why?

'Cause fuck 'em, that's why.

Bathroom upkeep is important to us here at "Popcopy".

Be sure to spray chocolate sauce on the wall near the toilet

to give the appearance of errant feces.

This will ensure that any customer who uses our restroom

will never, ever return to one of our stores.

We ask that you sign a sheet to verify this gets done

once an hour, 24 times a day.

Uh-oh, tony, you missed a spot.

Whoa...

Now that looks poopy.

I hope you found this tape informative.

And should you ever doubt yourself

and consider treating a customer with respect,

just remember this:

You graduated from grade school,

and you don't have to take shit from anyone.

Welcome to the "Popcopy" family, and congratulations.

Whoop his ass, whoop his ass!

Whoop his ass!

"Popcopy"

all right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

and I will be back after these messages.

(cheers & applause)

It's not HBO...

It's just regular-ass TV.

(cheers & applause)

All right, now, look, a lot of people

might not know this about me, watching me on TV or whatever

but I'm gonna tell you something.

I am a huge fan of the hip-hop music.

And I see a lot of things in the media

bashing these brothers,

saying that they're materialistic

and they objectify women, and I don't appreciate that.

'Cause it's not like women were objectified

when hip-hop came out.

We've been objectifying women for centuries.

I'm tired of hip-hop takin' the rap.

So I did my research, I did my homework, America.

I have went into the B.E.T. libraries

and found footage from early in this century,

as early as 1930, some stuff from the '50s,

of people objectifying women, and I'll show it to you tonight

as proof positive that it happened before hip-hop.

Take a look at your beloved Nat "King" Cole.

The first Noel the angels did say

was for certain poor shepherds

in fields as they lay

thank you all for coming, another year.

And to you and yours, a Merry Christmas.

That's an excellent year.

And as for you, my dear...

Happy Holidays, you triflin' bitch!

Oh, yeah, take that, girl.

Rub it in your breasts and on your vagina.

Yes, yes, I am horny, that's sexy TV...

King Cole Records comin' at you.

We sip only the best Dom P., because I'm smooth like that.

Peace, you punk bitches.

Come back next year when I puts a little eggnog in your face.

(cheers & applause)

All right, y'all, we'll be right back,

we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

Sit tight for more of this Chappelle's Show.

But you still said, not five minutes ago, that

you were afraid I was gonna end up looking like my mother.

I didn't say that! Yes, you did!

No, that's not what I said!

Tired of this happening to you?

Are you sick of your friends and family

getting everything you say all mixed up?

Well, help has arrived.

Don't call me a liar.

I didn't say that!

Oh, no? No!

Read back five minutes ago.

Janice: "what are you saying, Brian?"

Brian: "I am afraid, I just feel like someday

you might look like your mom, maybe."

Should I read more?

Oh, no, that's fine, thank you.

In your face.

I'm gonna go masturbate, Home Stenographer.

Wanna write that down?

The Home Stenographer.

Now, for a small, one-time fee plus minor upkeep,

you can have your very own permanent record keeper,

right in your house.

With the Home Stenographer,

you'll turn any room into a courtroom.

Read back when that babysitter told the kids to go to bed.

Young woman: "All right you little brats,

"go to sleep, my boyfriend's here,

we're gonna have us a sex session."

Kids: "We don't want to go to bed."

Young woman: "Well, you can watch if you want,

just keep it down."

To the boyfriend: "Drop your pants, big man."

Well, she's never coming back.

Thanks, Home Stenographer.

Dude, no matter how drunk I was,

why would I say that I would make out with Matt Damon?

I don't know, man, you said it, though.

There's no way.

Read it back to him.

And now, for those on the go, the Travel Stenographer.

Backpack sold separately.

"I guess, if it came down to it, I would bang Ben Affleck."

Oh, my god!

I knew it was one of those dudes.

You are so gay now!

Stupid dwarf!

Totally gay, 100%.

Home Stenographer and Travel Stenographer,

available in stores, now.

(announcer) Available in all Walbogs!

(man) Chappelle's Show, Oww!

Good lord, we're back, welcome to Chappelle's Show,

I still haven't been cancelled yet.

But I'm working on it.

And I think this next piece might be the one to do it.

This is probably the wildest thing

I've ever done in my career,

and I showed it to a black friend of mine.

He looked at me like I had set black people back

with a comedy sketch.

Sorry.

(audience laughing)

Just roll...

For the last 15 years,

a man named Clayton Bigsby has been the leading voice

of the white-supremacist movement in America.

Though not sold in any major bookstores,

his books "Dump Truck", "Nigger Stain",

"I Smell Nigger" and "Nigger Book"

have sold over 600,000 copies combined.

Despite his popularity,

very few have ever seen him due to his reclusiveness.

But in an effort to bring his message to a wider audience,

he agreed to give his first public interview ever...

to "Frontline".

But, getting to Mr. Bigsby was an odyssey in itself,

riddled with back-country hollows,

shifty go-betweens and palpable danger.

Excuse me.

Not sure we're in the right place.

We're looking for Clayton Bigsby.

Well, look no further, fella, you found him.

Uh, Clayton Bigsby, the author?

What, you don't think I can write them books?

Just 'cause I'm blind don't mean I'm dumb.

(host) How could this have happened?

A black white supremacist?

Our search for answers led us here,

to the "Wexler Home for the Blind",

where Mr. Bigsby spent the first 19 years of his life.

Bridgett Wexler is the home's headmistress.

Well, he was the only nigra we'd ever had around here,

so we figured we'd make it easier on Clayton

by just telling him and all the other blind kids

that he was white.

And he never questioned it?

Why would he?

You've written four books now?

I've written six books, they've published four.

What would you say

is the overall message of your books?

Sir, my message is simple.

Niggers, Jews, homosexuals, Mexicans, Arabs,

and all kinds of different chinks stink,

and I hate them!

I noticed you referred to n... African-Americans.

What exactly is your problem?

How much time you got, buddy?

Where would I start?

Well, first of all,

they're lazy, good-for-nothing tricksters,

crack-smoking swindlers, big-butt havin',

wide nose breathin' all the white man's air.

They eat up all the chicken,

they think they're the best dancers,

and they stink!

Did I mention that before?

Yes, I believe you did, sir.

Matter of fact, my friend Jasper told me

one of them coons came by his house

to pick his sister up for a date.

He said, "look here, nigger, that there's my girl.

Anyone have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me!"

You've never left this property,

have you, Mr. Bigsby?

No, sir, not in many years.

What if I were to tell you

that you are an African-American?

Sir!

Listen, I'm gonna make this clear.

I am in no way, shape, or form

involved in any niggerdom, you understand?!

Yes, sir, but...

but nothing!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a book signing to go to.

Why don't you bring your media cameras over there

if you wanna see some real truth?!

Prudence!

Prudence, have Jasper load the truck!

And Clayton Bigsby, black white supremacist,

ventured out into an unsuspecting world.

Sir, you're a friend.

Why not tell him he's African-American?

Listen, man, he's too important to the movement.

If I tell him he's black, he'd probably kill hisself

just so there'd be one less nigger around.

His commitment is that deep.

I'm overwhelmed by the irony.

(banging)

Uh-oh.

(man) What, you lost, boy?

(man) Move on, move on.

We don't like your kind around here!

You better get out of here 'fore something bad happens.

That's right, that's right!

Tell that nigger!

Beat it, you sorry nigger!

Come on, Clayton, we gotta go.

Oh, Jasper, there's a nigger around here.

That damn monkey was beatin' my hood!

White power!

Nigger...

The confusion did not end there.

(hip-hop music)

Hey, why don't you jungle bunnies turn that music down?!

Nigras make me sick!

Woogie-boogie, nigger!

Woogie-boogie!

Did he just call us "niggers"?

Awesome!

The anticipation was at a fever pitch

as we arrived at Mr. Bigsby's book signing.

This is the man who should be

the next president of the United States!

(cheering)

All right, Jasper, time to show these people

what white power's all about.

You better put your hood on, Clayton,

might wanna hide your identity.

It'd be safer, in case some radical

ain't sympathetic to the cause and wants to shoot you.

That's good thinking, all right.

I'm gonna put my hood on.

Here, let me get that.

(man) Without further ado, the man,

who made us proud to be white,

none other than, Clayton Bigsby!

Let's hear it!

(cheers & applause)

White power!

Everybody, I have a lot of things to discuss,

mainly nigras.

America's at war with Al Qaeda,

but we're still losing the war against Al Sharpton!

(host) The Asian community was a target as well.

Let's talk about Chinese people,

with their Kung Fu

and all that silly "ching chang chong" talk.

I can't understand you, go back to your country.

White power.

Mr. Bigsby was also critical of the entertainment industry.

Don't let the liberal media tell you how to think and feel.

If you have hate in your heart, let it out.

If you don't like Will & Grace,

that don't mean there's something wrong with you.

It means there's something wrong with Will!

He's a homosexual.

Politicians weren't spared either.

White power!

Colin Powell...

"Cunnilingus" Rice.

"Cunnilingus" Rice sounds like a Mexican dish,

maybe we should put her on a plate and send her to Mexico

so the Mexicans will eat her... white power.

White power!

Just open up your heart and let that hate out!

(cheers & applause)

Show us your face, we wanna see your face!

Who said that, you wanna see my face?

Clayton, go on, brother.

Do you wanna see my face?

Don't be afraid, Jasper.

(hollering)

We talked about this...

Don't be afraid, shine your light!

There is cookie and punch for us to enjoy,

and we can meet, talk about white brotherhood.

Thank y'all for coming, white power!

Mr. Bigsby was not harmed that night,

but irreparable damage has been done to his reputation

and, in many ways, to the white-power movement.

We're told that in the last few weeks,

he has accepted the fact that he is a black man.

And three days ago,

he filed for divorce from his wife.

When we asked, "why, after 19 years of marriage?"

He responded:

"Because she's a nigger lover."

I'm Kent Wallace, good night.

(man) Funding for "Frontline" provided by

the "Trent Lott Foundation" for peace and understanding.

Loving black people, one at a time.

That's it!

Thanks for coming out, I'll see you next week.

I'm rich, bi-atch! (horn honks)

Hi, thank you.

White power!

That's right, I hate niggers, but I love skateboards.

Bye, niggers, bye-bye!

Oh, okay, y'know what I'm doing wrong, apparently?

I keep talking to y'all

and I'm supposed to talk to the TV audience.

That's very hard, to ignore

the hundreds of people in front of me

and just pay attention to the theoretical motherfuckers

that may or may not watch the show for all I know.

They might have already turned it off.

"White power my... pssht.

"That's white power,

I have the power to change the station."