All language subtitles for Kirstie s01e12 The Dinner Party.eng

Kirstie is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.

[chomping]

- Is that my fruit salad?
- Well, not anymore.

Ohh, I'm sorry,
I thought it was Maddie's!

Seriously?
She's never eaten fruit. Or salad.

That's not true. Remember when I
though that plum is a chocolate ball?

Maddie, will you tell
your driver not to eat my food?

Yes, and tell your lackey

not to steal my Us magazine
the second it arrives.

Why don't you just get it
delivered to your place then?

[scoffs] Are you crazy?

- My owls would tear that thing apart.
- Would you guys stop it?

If I wanted people
squabbling over their needs,

I would have had kids.

Oh, that's right.

Arlo, what's going on?
You look down.

Melissa blew me off
for our date tonight.

Oh, honey.
I'm so sorry.

I know how much you were
looking forward to that.

- [whispers] Who's Melissa?
- Melissa Winters.

She's the daughter
of those snobby professors

who live on the tenth floor.

Yeah, they're kind of opinionated
about who she goes out with.

Well, you know, sweetheart,
sometimes people can get judgmental.

They look at a guy
in his late 20s still living

with his mother,
dressing like a troubled vet.

Uh, actually, it was you
they were judging.

Me? You're the weirdo.

Is what I imagine they were thinking.

No, it was you.
They were pretty clear about that.

Something about your sleazy lifestyle.

Sleazy lifestyle?
They don't even know me.

I would like to hear
one example of me acting

in an undignified manner.

Whoo!

[laughs]

Going down?

Come on, it was New Year's eve.

It was good Friday.

It was good, wasn't it?

But you really like her, huh?

Okay, then this is
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna invite the Winters
over to our house for dinner,

and I am going to dazzle them with
my completely un-sleazy lifestyle.

Yeah, we'll all pitch in.

Right on.
I'm a sucker for young love.

Guys, forget it.

The only thing
that impresses these people

is brains and class.

Well, then I'm gonna
show them I've got brains

and class coming out the pooper.

[upbeat jazz music]

1x12 - The Dinner Party

- Hey, Frank, how's it going?
- Great.

I just checked out that new
medical marijuana dispensary.

Herb your enthusiasm.

Yeah, I got a bag
of these funny sunny gummies.

You know, they gave me a free sample,

and now I can
see through my eyelids.

I'm not kidding. Try me.

- Okay. How many?
- A puppy.

Oh, hey.
I think we got trouble.

I've just been doing a little
research on the Winters.

They're not just professors,
they're both fellows.

That's great, gay guys love me.

Not that kind of fellows.

They're both big deal
history professors at Columbia.

Ooh, our cleaning lady
is from Colombia.

I wonder if they know Soledad.

I really think
you should cancel this dinner.

No, I can't.
This is for Arlo.

I have an idea.

You said that the Winters
are both history professors,

- right?
- Mm, yeah.

So I'm going to stay up all night

- and watch the History channel.
- Oh, good thinking.

Eight years of higher education
versus one night of TV.

I know, right?
I just saved $3/4 million.

- Morning.
- Hey, did you guys know

that Hitler never took off
his jacket in public?

I get that.

You don't invade Austria in a tank top.

Want some bacon and eggs?

Sure, but I'll tell you who wouldn't.

Hitler.
He was a vegetarian.

I may not want to know
the answer to this,

but why are you talking about Hitler?

Because it's all that was on
the History channel last night.

It was a marathon.

Hitler this, Hitler that.
I get it.

Hitler's the greatest guy
that ever lived.

You may want
to never say that again.

I had a feeling
this History channel thing

wasn't gonna work.

So I called
a professor friend of mine.

He'll be here at 7:00,
pretending to be your date.

Just let him do all the talking.

How do you have a professor friend?

He's a friend with benefits.

Oh, you sleep with him.

Better.
He's got Rangers tickets.

- Well, it sounds perfect.
- Yeah.

And if these dinner guests
happen to get you alone,

I've got you covered.

- An earpiece?
- Yeah.

I figured I could be in the kitchen

on the internet
feeding you information,

so you don't sound like someone
who's never read a book.

Hey, I'll have you know
I've read "Fifty shades of grey."

Well, two shades. I got bored.

Wow, Thelma,
why are you dressed like that?

Because my life
isn't demeaning enough.

Um, where did we get this
globe and all these new books

that don't have "for dummies"
in the title?

Your mother is
going all out for you, Arlo.

But if you want a good laugh,

ask her to show you
where Canada is.

[doorbell rings]

Welcome to the Banks' residence.

- Hi, Melissa.
- Hello.

- Daddy, Mother, this is Arlo.
- Pleasure.

Well, there's no neck tattoo.
I owe you a nickel.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Please forgive me,

I got caught up
in the times crossword puzzle,

which I was doing in ink.

Oh, it's lovely to meet you.
I'm Madison Banks.

Yes, we know your work.

- Oh, from the theater?
- No, from the elevator.

Maddie, this is Melissa.

Melissa, this is my Mother Maddie.

Pretty sure I've used up
all my "M"s for the month.

[laughs]

We brought you a hostess gift.

Ooh, caramels.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

They're decorative soaps.

Then I'll just have one.

Oh, so where's
professor What's-his-name?

Danniker.
Frank is picking him up.

Now if they ask you anything,
just stall

until I can get on the internet.

Madison, I see you're
a fan of the impressionists.

Oh, sure.

"You can't handle the truth!"

"Oh, I am not a crook."

Impressionism...
impressionism...

"One ringy-dingy,
two ringy-dingy."

Oh, I was just kidding.

Impressionism,
the 19th-century art form

characterized by small,
yet visible brushstrokes.

- So who'd like champagne?
- That would be lovely.

[rings bell]

Champagne, Thelma!

[rings]

I heard you, Maddie.

Maddie?
Don't you mean Ms. Banks?

I don't need to call
the service again, do I?

I am so sorry, madam.

Would you like your usual?
Two 40s of malt liquor and a straw?

Well, that one is such a spitfire.

But I tell you,
after she's cleaned a room,

you could eat off the floor.
Show 'em, girl.

Oh, no.
None for me, thank you.

I'm in the middle of a dissertation.

Oh, yeah.
I get that way too after taquitos.

You know, funny story.

One time I was on a plane
coming back from Cancun.

Dissertation.
Oh, a dissertation.

[laughs]
Kidding again.

I know that a dissertation
is a very long essay

for your doctorate
and not severe stomach cramping.

[doorbell rings]
Oh!

That must be my date,
professor Danniker.

Cabot Danniker,
the medieval literature scholar?

Sure, let's go with that.

I'm a big admirer.
I'm told he speaks ten languages,

that he's an expert dressage rider
and an accomplished pianist.

Madison, we had no idea
you had friends in academia.

No, he's American.

[mouthing]
What the hell?!

Sorry I'm late, lover.
The symposium ran long.

Danniker's passed out drunk in the limo.

What?

Oh, look, everyone.
It's Cabot Danniker.

- You speak ten languages.
- Hm?

Shalom.

Ooh, gummies.
Mmm.

I love these.
Mmm.

Professor Danniker,
I would love to bend your ear

about your latest book.

- Oh, yes. My novel.
- It was a textbook.

Well, yes. It was my novel
approach to a textbook.

So, Arlo, I understand you
work in a doughnut shop.

Oh, not anymore.
I got fired.

Oh. May I have another
in a larger glass?

Well, he just quit that job
to move on to better things.

I bet Melissa and Arlo
have tons of things in common.

Really?

She's pursuing an advanced
degree in nanotechnology.

I'm sorry,
you wouldn't understand.

Yes.
Nanotechnology.

The manipulation of matter on
an atomic and molecular scale?

Why, I didn't take you for someone

who's up on cutting-edge science.

Yes, we were just discussing
this at the menses club.

I think you meant mensa.

No, this was a room
full of angry ladies.

Danniker, I understand
you're quite the pianist.

Well, I've had no complaints.

[clears throat]
He said "pianist."

Oh.

I was thinking it would be an honor

to hear one of your
original compositions.

No, no, no.
It's really time for dinner.

What better way to start dinner

than with a musical amuse-bouche?

Please, the professor Danniker

I've heard so much about
is anything but modest.

[clicks heels]

[plays cacophonous chord]

[plays ragtime music]

- I didn't know you could play.
- I don't.

- Then how are you doing this?
- I'm doing it for Arlo.

I know, but you're still playing.

Hey, I don't ask my hands,
and they don't ask me.

Is it just me,
or is it getting warm in here?

Oh, you think this is hot?

Try standing over a doughnut
fryer wearing a hairnet

in the middle of summer.
[laughs]

Not helping.

Madison, I do love your apartment.

Would you mind giving me a tour?

Not at all.
Could you please excuse us?

Hey, my mother and your mother
seem to be hitting it off.

No, when she gives that
twisted smile, it's never good.

You may never see
your mother again.

Well, thanks.
That's not a sensitive thing with me.

This is the master,

and this is
my very favorite painting...

Okay, why don't
we end this charade?

You think you're fooling anyone

in that prim, little suit
and your hair in a bun?

Well, I hope so.

I know the slutty bad girl
that's in there,

and I like her.

Um...
can I have my gum back?

- What was that?
- A forbidden kiss.

From the garden of sapphic delight.

Um, "A," I don't even know
what that means.

And "B," you're married.
To a man!

My life has been so constrained.

I didn't go through this phase
in college.

They didn't do this
sort of thing at Smith.

I'm very flattered,
Veronica, but I don't...

Maybe...

our children brought us
together for a reason.

What are you talking about?

I'm just saying...

I could give my daughter
my blessing

about dating Arlo...
with a little incentive.

- Are you blackmailing me?
- In a sexy way.

- [gasps] You bitch.
- Ooh, dirty talk.

Well, that was a quick tour.

Did you show
Mrs. Winters everything?

No, she didn't see anything.
Just eat.

Danniker, I was thinking.
Why don't you come

and be guest lecturer
at my seminar next week?

Hmm. Guest lecturer.

Sounds like
someone's getting a little lazy.

Maddie, perhaps we should
take a yoga class together.

You know, work up a sweat,
really stretch each other out.

I don't really care for stretching.

It's just a gateway to exercise.

Sounds like you two really hit it off.

[whispers indistinctly]

We were just looking over the
new schedule at the met, Madison.

Little too heavy
on Puccini for my taste.

- Anything to excite you?
- Yes, Maddie. What excites you?

Well that's a... that's
a very interesting question...

about the opera.
At the met.

Well, I'll tell you
who did like a good opera.

Hitler.

- I bet you didn't see that coming.
- Well, Wagner, I suppose.

Well, him I can't speak for,
but Hitler couldn't get enough of it.

Actually, he had to drop the
opera bug because he suffered a

partial hearing loss after a bomb
went off in Wolf's Lair in 1944.

Fortunately, he survived.

Oh.
I dropped my napkin.

Um, I-I'm just going
to check on dessert.

- I'll help you.
- No!

I don't think it's going very well.

It's actually going
much better than I expected.

What is wrong with you?
I'm dying out there!

[crazy laughing]

What's so funny?

My sleeve.

Hey, you can't leave me
alone with these people.

They asked me about dressage,
and I told them

it was thousand island.

- Are you eating my gummies?
- Yeah, so what?

You ate all my fruit salad.

Your fruit salad doesn't cost $400!

Oh, what kind of gummies cost $400...

[gasps]

Oh! Why didn't you put your name on it?

All right, just stop...

Guys, come on!
Do I have to separate you?

Thelma, just take this dessert
and take it out there.

Why do I have to be
the stupid maid,

and he gets to be the professor?

I speak ten languages, and still

I have to drive out
to Queens every night.

She gets to live here.

Yeah, with her.
You think that's a picnic?

Well, what is that
supposed to mean?

I'm lovely!
Ask Veronica.

I think we actually
got away with it.

I knew your parents
would come around

once they got to know Maddie.

We're just lucky
that they've seen worse.

- What does that mean?
- Let's face it.

Your mother isn't
exactly Princess Grace.

She's a little, you know...

- What?
- Low-rent.

Oh, come on.

She acts like somebody you'd see
on here comes honey boo boo.

Okay, let me tell you something.

My mother may be
loud and over the top

and if there's a man
that she wouldn't take home,

I haven't met him yet...

but she would do anything
for me, and so would those two.

They even put up with
your snobby, tight-ass parents

because they knew
it meant something to me.

Now they may not have
big, fancy degrees...

or degrees of any kind,

but they're good people.

And I think this dinner is over.
Thank god.

Now will you consider going
back to that Yale architect?

No, stop trying to control my life.

- I'll buy you a car.
- Done.

Laundry room. Midnight.

Stop it.

Okay, maybe.

What?
That was a really good kiss.

Sorry about Melissa, kid,
but you deserve better.

Maybe we didn't get the respect

of Mr. and Mrs. Stick-up-their-butt,

but you sure got mine.

But I'm high as a kite,
so what do I know?

Hey, guys. I'm really sorry
that I let you all pretend to be

something that you're not just
to impress those pompous phonies.

Oh, let's not be
too judgmental, Arlo.

I believe it was Hitler who said,
"forgive and forget."

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