All language subtitles for Kirstie s01e06 Mickey and Maddie.eng

"Kirstie" is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

"Sweetheart"'s my sister.
I go "Screw Yourself�.

It's a pretty name.
Is that Dutch?

But just so you know, the banana cream
is velvety, but "World's Best Pie"?

I don't think so.

I tell you what.

Why don't you write down
some suggestions to the cook.

I'd be happy
to shove it up your ass.

May I borrow a pen?

Frank...

I texted you 30 minutes ago
to come and pick us up.

Oh, you know I always turn off
my phone in fancy restaurants.

Well, next time, don't. I was mobbed
when I came out of the stage door.

I'm not sure two Delaware housewives
with a disposable camera is a mob.

- Madison Banks?
- I get that a lot.

You bitch!

I get that a lot too.

You don't remember me,
do you?

Hey, look, you guys both
have the same name - Madison.

- Gotta go.
- But I haven't finished my pie yet...

[grunts]

Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go.

[Upbeat jazz music]

Season 1, Episode 8
"Maddie vs. Maddie"

Synced by dcdah & Reef
www.addic7ed.com

Oh, come on, fess up,
you knew that waitress,

that tall drink
of dirty water.

I told you, never met her.

Well, she sure seemed
like she knew you.

I'm a celebrity.
Everybody thinks they know me.

She's probably just some fan
that I stiffed for an autograph.

It's like my thing.

Jeez, Maddie,
you're white as a ghost.

Something happened at the diner, and
she's been acting weird ever since.

Maddie was practically attacked
by a waitress also named Madison.

Oh, my God,
you finally ran into her.

- I knew it had to happen sometime.
- So you did know her!

All right, you got me,
CSI - Miami.

I mean, maybe I did
meet her once.

And maybe I did her
a slight injustice.

We were both young actresses,

just starting out in a land
I like to call...

The '80s.

Oh, I'm so nervous
about this audition.

I've already had two quaaludes
and a wine cooler.

But they're not working.
Except for the quaaludes.

You know what always helps me?
Prayer.

Yeah, I have more faith
in quaaludes.

I'm Madison Banks,
but you can call me Maddie.

I'm named
after my beloved grammy.

I'm Brenda Kluszewski.

I was named after the first
woman to get the electric chair.

It's such a great role,
isn't it?

Small-town girl
comes to the big city

and inspires the entire nation
to dance away racism.

Really?
I only read my part.

Oh, hey, you know what,
I've got to tinkle.

Could you hold my place?

- Yeah, sure, go ahead.
- Be right back.

Sorry, guys,
but we're running late.

Unfortunately, Hal Kleinman only
has time for one more audition.

Oh.

He'd like to see...

Madison Banks.

[All groan]

Yeah, she's...

I'm Madison Banks.

And you can
just call me Maddie.

I was named
after my beloved grammy.

I mean, not so bad, right?
Get over it, okay?

You stole
that woman's audition.

Yup, and that was the role that catapulted
Maddie to fame, stardom, and riches.

And more riches.
And more stardom.

And a brief marriage
to MacGyver.

Well, hey, now you know
where the woman works.

Maybe there's something
you can do to make it right.

"Make it right."
Is that even a phrase?

Don't bother, Arlo.

I once had to explain
the concept of a hit-and-run

and why society
frowns on it.

Maddie, you stole that woman's
name, her whole identity.

I mean, this does not sound
like the woman that I've known...

For a few weeks.

Don't you feel at all
responsible for that?

No.

I mean, maybe.
I don't... I don't know.

My conscience is kicking in.

Damn you, Arlo. You're like
Jiminy Cricket in husky jeans.

For your information,
they're relaxed fit.

Oh, all right. Come on, Frank.
We're gonna go back to that diner.

As God is my witness,

I am gonna make that waitress regret
the day I ever ruined her life.

Oh, you again.

What do you want now, a BLT,
my hopes and dreams?

Oh, that's right.
You already took those.

Actually, I just came
to apologize to you.

What I did to you haunts me
every day of my life.

Have you even
thought about it once?

Well, I started
thinking about it,

and then you mentioned a BLT.

And then, I was just thinking,
does that come with fries?

But look at you,
you have a great life.

You have a stable job,
you get a lot of exercise.

I'd kill for your forearms.
You're like Popeye.

You really think my life
is better than yours?

Totally. Do you know how hard
it is to be on Broadway?

Do you know that I work six days
a week, three hours a day?

And do you have any idea how many
people it takes to dress me?

Well, I used to dress myself.
In my car, where I lived.

Well, hey. Not that many people
in New York even have a car.

I have a customer.

Look, you can't
pin this all on me.

Come on. It's not my fault
that you didn't make it.

Didn't you have any other auditions?
And what about your praying?

Never prayed again
after the day I met you.

Except once,
but you're still alive.

I wish I could do something.

Oh, could I write you
a check?

You really think money
is gonna solve this problem?

Well, it once got me out
of a prison in El Salvador.

You know what, maybe there is
something you could do.

You know, I take two buses to work.
My feet are now more bunions than feet.

Why don't you see what my life is like?
Why don't you take over my shift,

and I'll have your fancy
chauffeur give me a ride home?

You know,
I would so do that,

except I think
there's a Union rule

that says Frank can't drive
anybody else except me.

I don't think so.

- I think so.
- No, I don't think so.

Okay, I can do this.

I mean, I played Aldonza
in Man of La Mancha.

She was a prostitute,
not a waitress.

Let's not argue
about which one's worse.

- Enjoy my shift.
- Enjoy your ride.

Your chariot awaits.

- And watch your step over that bum.
- Oh, no. He's our manager.

Help yourself
to a beverage.

Doesn't matter if it says
scotch, water, or soda.

It's all scotch.

So Brenda just sits back here
and tells you where to take her?

Gosh, looks like
she's got it pretty good.

Oh, yeah. Table at Le Cirque,
parties in the Hamptons,

sexual escapades on that
very seat where you're sitting.

Oh, don't bother,
there's really no safe zone.

Oh, I'm in the walk-up
at the end of the block.

Listen, would you mind
escorting me to the door

and then opening the door

and then coming in
for a drink?

[Tires squealing]

You had me at drink.

That's the last thing
I said.

Well, in my head, you said
a lot more after that.

Why am I always mending
your Civil War reenactment outfit?

You don't have to do
too good of a job.

This weekend, I'm playing the turncoat,
so I get shot by both sides.

You seem out of sorts.
Is the war getting to you?

No, I just still can't believe that
Maddie did that to that waitress.

Oh, don't be too hard
on your mother, Arlo.

To make it in her business,

sometimes you have to do things
you're not too proud of.

Things that require a complete
absence of a moral code...

The willingness to sell out your
best friend and stomp on her neck

if it'll get you
one step closer to the top.

Anyway, that's your mama.

Greetings, one and all.

You'll be happy to know
I made things right,

as we like to say,
with the other Madison Banks.

That's great, Maddie.
I know that wasn't easy for you.

And you know what the best part is?
It hardly cost me anything.

I just took over her shift, and all
she wanted was a ride home from Frank.

- Wait, you waited tables?
- Wait, you found your own way home?

[Phone ringing]

Oh.

Oh. It's Frank,
probably on his way home.

Hey.
How was psycho waitress?

Speaking.

Hello, Brenda.

Madison, why are you
calling me from Frank's phone?

Well, you know what, Brenda?

As your driver was
taking me home in your car,

which should have been mine,
I decided maybe that's not enough.

I need more.

What are you saying,
you want my firstborn?

I've only owned him
for several weeks.

No, you took my career, so I decided
to take something you care about.

Hello?

I'm all for the kinky stuff, but
my hands are getting a little numb.

- Kidnapped!?
- But how did she overpower Frank?

I'm pretty sure Frank
put the handcuffs on himself.

Why would Frank
put the handcuffs on...

Oh...

- Did she ask for a ransom?
- You're not gonna believe this.

She wants to audition against me again
for Jessie's Night Out

in front of the original
director, Hal Kleinman,

to prove that she would have
gotten the part instead of me.

A show about a 17-year-old
who dances away racism?

Are you saying
that I can't play 17?

When you were 17,
you couldn't play 17.

This is nuts.
I'm calling the cops.

No, no, wait.
Don't do that.

I don't think she's
really gonna hurt Frank.

I think she just needs
closure on this.

You know,
the only problem is,

is there any way of knowing
if Hal Kleinman is even alive?

Really...?

That's the only problem
you see with this plan?

Ugh.

Look around this place.

Did the Grim Reaper
get caught in traffic?

You got to promise me I'll never
end up in a place like this.

You mean there's gonna be a time
when I get to get rid of you?

Too soon
for those kind of jokes.

Bad news.

I just talked to Hal Kleinman,
who said, and I quote...

[Gagging]

What does that mean?

I don't know, but I don't think
he's up to judging an audition.

Are you kidding me? Crazy Maddie
is gonna be here any minute.

I've already rehearsed my song,
and I got to get this part.

I'm gonna stop you right there.
She's crazy Maddie?

Come on, guys. This is for Frank.
We got to do something.

[Sighs]

No one's gonna buy this.

Hal Kleinman, is that you?

Is it me? Is your grandma's
brisket delicious?

Is rugelach worth a dime?
Is kugel crunchy...

She gets it, Hal.
You're old and Jewish.

- Hello, Brenda.
- Hello, Madison.

I barely recognized you
without pea soup in your hair.

[Chuckles] Oh, sister,
trust me, it's in there.

I'm surprised
you had the guts to show up.

Because in five minutes, you're gonna
find out your whole career is a mistake.

And I think you're gonna
find out your career isn't.

- Well, I think you took my...
- Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Ladies, it doesn't really matter
who gets the part.

After we do this,
you're letting Frank go, right?

And if you so much as touch
him, I will rearrange your face.

Don't worry about Frank.

He's having the time
of his life.

Okay, I've accepted the fact
that I'm not gonna get laid here.

But you're not gonna kill me,
are you?

Because I'm only halfway
through The Wire!

Before you sing,
let me set the scene.

New York City,
summer of '68.

Mr. Kleinman's here.
He's feeling better.

Oh, boy.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. If that's
Mr. Kleinman, then who is that?

- What are you trying to pull?
- I'm not trying to pull anything.

This guy is the guy
we should all be mad at.

Beat it, jerk.

Now what am I doing here?

Oh, Mr. Kleinman, you're gonna be watching
auditions for Jessie's Night Out.

Didn't that close
30 years ago?

They're thinking
about bringing it back.

Well, I guess you can never
dance out racism enough.

[Cheers and applause]

[Sighs happily]

Thank you,
Madison Banks.

Next up, Madison Banks.

You know, you don't have
to go through with this

if you don't want
to embarrass yourself.

Get ready to bite me.

Hit it, stud.

[Cheers and applause]

Well, we don't have to talk
about how bad that was.

Am I right,
or am I right?

What were the choices again?

So, Mr. Kleinman,
if you saw that 30 years ago,

would you cast her or me?

You were both terrific.

This role is gonna make
one of you a star.

I pick the winner,
and my choice is...

Would someone turn down
that angel music?

What angel music?

No!

Look what you did.

[Sobbing]
I can't believe it.

I've waited all these years
to audition for Hal Kleinman,

and now I'll never know.

Oh, grow up.

You were better than me,
all right?

You really needed that corpse
to tell you that?

But you know what?
If you really wanted it,

you wouldn't have given up after
losing one crummy audition.

Wait, did you just say
I was better than you?

Well, we never got to the dance part of
the audition, so I can't say definitively,

but you were
very, very good.

- So you're admitting you stole my life.
- I stole one audition.

I made this into my life.

I mean, who's to say what would have
happened if you'd gotten the part?

Maybe you would have
been a star,

or maybe you would have
gotten fired the first week.

All I know is
I've worked my ass off for this.

- Hey, I would have worked my ass off too.
- Well, it doesn't look like that.

It looks like you quit
the minute you didn't get your way.

Oh, you're right.

I never thought
about it that way.

- I accept your apology.
- I wasn't apologizing.

You're welcome.

I think the two of you are missing
the point that a man just died.

Yeah, yeah, we get it.
There are no callbacks.

Frank, I am so glad
you made it out alive.

You're glad?

You have any idea what it's like
to be tied to a bed for 24 hours?

Have we just met?

So she just let you go
without any problems?

Eh, she may be a little nutty, but
she puts out a hell of a cheese platter.

You know, I feel like
this was all kind of my fault

since I was the one
that pushed this one

to make amends
with original Maddie.

Well, it's easy
to beat yourself up, kid.

But in this case,
you really should.

[Doorbell rings]

Did somebody order an omelet
with a side of crazy?

It's more than a side.

What are you doing here?

- And how did you find out where I live?
- For your information, I was invited.

I'm here to pick up
my date.

- Hello, angel.
- Hi.

I'm sorry, Maddie, but I wasn't
comfortable giving her my address.

Wait a minute, you're going out with
the woman who held you captive?

Well, kidnapping doesn't have
to be a deal breaker.

It's how my grandparents met.

Oh, and, Maddie, I had such a nice time
performing in front of those zombies,

so I decided to stop blaming you
and start my own cabaret act.

Good for you.
That shows a lot of growth.

"Bitch Stole My Part -

Songs from
a screwed-over actress."

And for her finale,
she strangles a dummy of you.

That was my idea.
[Laughter]

Okay, you kids
have a great time.

Uh, shouldn't we follow them?
I mean, he's dating a sociopath.

So is she.

Synced by dcdah & Reef
www.addic7ed.com

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