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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:30,844 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 2 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,443 (GRUNTS QUESTIONINGLY) 3 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,364 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 4 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:38,804 LOU: Whose fucking phone is on? 5 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,140 MAN: Uh, we're going to just touch you up. 6 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:42,969 - Okay, Mr. Dorchen? - Hey. 7 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,180 Do I need nipple rouge? 8 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:46,660 MAN: Uh, can we get... I don't, uh... 9 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:48,524 Do I need any nipple rouge? 10 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,980 MAN: Yeah. Touch up his nipples, please. 11 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:52,060 (GIGGLES) 12 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,242 What kind of brush is that? Is that rabbit fur? 13 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,300 NARRATOR: Lou Dorchen, the legendary lead singer 14 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,323 of metal supergroup Motley Lue, 15 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,960 who burst onto the world stage out of nowhere 16 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,540 to become the very definition of a rock god. 17 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,803 Livin' the dream with high school sweetheart Kelly Dorchen. 18 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,860 So how did the ultimate party animal get the inspiration 19 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,180 to build the most innovative, forward-thinking 20 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,020 tech company in the world? 21 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:18,220 I don't have to tell you where I got my inspiration from, first of all. 22 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,900 Because that's called "intellectual property" 23 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,540 and I can copyright that shit. 24 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,404 Just like I copyrighted the word "well," 25 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,761 so you can't even say "well" without paying me money. 26 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,540 - MAN: Uh, well, um... - You owe me money. 27 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,700 NARRATOR: Lou Dorchen's best friend is yet another 28 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,420 American success story, music mogul Nick Webber. 29 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:37,180 Ever since I wrote Let's Get It Started back in '86, 30 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:38,327 I've been on a roll. 31 00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:41,740 Uh, MMMBop, triple platinum. 32 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:44,580 A lot of stations still playin' Gin and Juicey Juice. 33 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:47,684 You Oughta Know. Feelin' Like Teen Spirit. 34 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:49,649 I guess you could say I take from a lot of artists. 35 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,686 Take my inspiration from a lot of artists. 36 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:53,881 I don't... 37 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:56,964 I don't take their stuff. 38 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,248 That's... Who would do that? 39 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,940 - Yeah. Ask me anything. - MAN: Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) 40 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,220 How's your relationship with your father? 41 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:05,620 I don't want to talk about that. 42 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,100 NARRATOR: Still struggling to find his own place in the world, 43 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:11,647 Jacob Dorchen comments on his father's game-changing innovation. 44 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,083 He didn't invent Goo... Lougle. 45 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,940 He couldn't invent his way out of a fucking paper bag. 46 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:20,540 And that's... That's not a turn of phrase, 47 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,300 that's anecdotal evidence. 48 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,085 He got caught in a giant paper bag a couple weeks ago. 49 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,402 Adam... Adam Yates. Yes, he rounds out 50 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,500 our Three Musketeerposse. 51 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,500 He made it real big with his bestselling novel, 52 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,250 Jacuzzi Timelord. 53 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,565 But Adam, he's, uh... He's off on an experiential journey. 54 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:39,923 I got a feeling we'll see him again. 55 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,300 I got a feeling. 56 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:44,925 (SINGING UPBEAT SONG) 57 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:49,761 Just came to me. 58 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,780 NARRATOR: One fateful ski trip in 1986 59 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,247 seemed to kick-start their lives into high gear. 60 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,420 But what was it like to grow up alongside these future stars? 61 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,727 We turned to high school pal, Gary Winkle. 62 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,200 I bet you guys didn't know that I was supposed to go on that trip, huh? 63 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,620 - I stood outside all day... - (WHIMPERS) 64 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,724 ...but they never showed. Left me hanging. 65 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:09,540 You know what I got that weekend? 66 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:11,620 Chlamydia from the batting cages. 67 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,180 My best buddies go up the mountain as regular Joes. 68 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,602 Come down fucking rich. I mean, how did that happen? 69 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,420 I mean, at the end of the day, 70 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,340 I'm just a simple guy like you 71 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,568 who had a couple of great ideas 72 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:26,060 that happen to make him a bunch of money. That's it. 73 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,527 I mean, how was I supposed to know 74 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,860 that it would change the fabric of our existence? I couldn't. 75 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,681 You know, I couldn't, unless I had some sort of... 76 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:37,960 (SCOFFS) 77 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:05,484 (SINGS PARODY OF MELANCHOLIC POP SONG) 78 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,611 Cut! Let's reset. Do it again. 79 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,610 One word, Nick. Fucking amazing... 80 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,722 Don't fuck with my groove, Terry. 81 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,220 - JACOB: Hey, Nick. - Youngblood. 82 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,580 - Rip off any pop stars lately? - (FAKE LAUGH) 83 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,380 For your information, today I recorded an original piece. 84 00:04:58,480 --> 00:04:59,460 Really? 85 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,050 Okay, it was that Lisa Loeb song. 86 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:02,764 Well, as much of it as I could remember. 87 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,405 The lyrics I made up were original. 88 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,540 Listen, Nick, I get it. You don't have any natural talent. 89 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,460 All I know is that hot tub made me a king. 90 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,300 It's my duty to live up to the throne. 91 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:12,580 All right, I can't see you right now, 92 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,365 but I'm gonna assume you're putting "king" and "throne" in quotes. 93 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:18,300 What do you want? 94 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,020 Hey, Nick, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be a dick. 95 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:22,167 Are you coming to Lou's party? 96 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,649 I gotta talk to Courtney. I'm... I don't know. 97 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,364 - How is Courtney? - You know. 98 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,220 Oh, really? Still fighting, huh? 99 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,060 Why don't you just write her a Josh Groban song? 100 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,220 (HANGS UP) (SIGHS) 101 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:33,300 (LAUGHS) 102 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:34,447 Hello? 103 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,763 (SNORTING) Oh, shit! 104 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,849 Cocaine! 105 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,485 - Fuck me! - (COCKS GUN) 106 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,443 Oh, God! Oh, my God! 107 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,980 Don't fucking sneak up on me like that, huh? 108 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,340 Knock on something. 109 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,740 You took most of the doors out and put beads up, Lou. 110 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,300 What am I supposed to fucking knock on? 111 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,740 What do you want? 112 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,241 Put it down! What do you want, a round of applause? 113 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,860 "Thank you, Jacob, for making sure we don't starve to death. 114 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,380 "Even though this is completely ridiculous 115 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,780 "and inappropriate, what we're doing." You're welcome, Mom and Dad. 116 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,723 I'm just happy that you guys are happy. 117 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,844 The fuck are you still doing here? 118 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:11,810 Today's my birthday, by the way. 119 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,566 Happy Birthday! 120 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,407 - Oh, thanks, Mom. - Yeah, yeah, yeah! 121 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:21,249 I got you... I got you something. It'll be here tomorrow via FedEx. 122 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:22,580 Right. 123 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,980 Daddy's little buddy is turning into Daddy's big buddy. 124 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,260 I'm going to help you out. It's not really my birthday. 125 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:28,600 Do you know what day it is? 126 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:32,122 Mmm... (POPS) 127 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,260 Okay. 128 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:36,420 Enjoy your shit. 129 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,380 The sooner you choke to death on it, the sooner I get all this. 130 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,881 Any other questions, or is this interview over? 131 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,963 Don't let the lack of a door hit you on the way out. 132 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,300 (SIGHS) He just gets me so mad. 133 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,561 So, who is he? 134 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,140 That's my butler. 135 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:54,890 And our son, consequently. 136 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,365 Oh, my God, right. 137 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,051 Lisa Loeb? 138 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,500 Oh, my God. I can't believe Nick Webber knows 139 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:03,886 the name of the cat wrangler. 140 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:05,645 Yeah. Crazy, right? 141 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,605 You know, I just have to tell you, I really love this song so much. 142 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,563 - It feels so personal. - Mmm. 143 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:12,928 It's almost... Violating. 144 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:17,244 (SOFTLY) I'm so sorry. 145 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:28,885 LOU: Yeah! 146 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:32,411 Nailed it! 147 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,405 All rise! 148 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,961 Penis Court is now in session! 149 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,524 The honorable Judge Lou Dorchen presiding. 150 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,643 Uh, Mr. Dorchen, could we get this board meeting started? 151 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,843 Yeah. Brad, do your thing. 152 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,500 Ladies and gentlemen, 153 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,728 - Lougle is at a crossroads. - Whoo! 154 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,488 We did it, guys! We got to the crossroads! 155 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,644 Our competitors, Lycos and GeoCities, are crushing us. 156 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:04,763 Those guys are fucking nerds, Brad. 157 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:06,540 (CHUCKLES) What about Yahoo, huh? Where are they? 158 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:07,971 Yahoo? What's Yahoo? 159 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:09,300 Exactly. 160 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,500 As your head of R&D, I have to tell you 161 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,728 that Lougle cannot continue down this path. 162 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,980 Well, that's why I moved us to New Orleans, Brad, 163 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,367 the Silicon Valley of the South. 164 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:19,561 Huh? 165 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:20,780 (LOU GASPS) 166 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,723 Oh, shit! Shit! Susan, look, turn around. 167 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,420 Turn around, right now! Susan, quick, quick, quick! 168 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:25,681 I'm not going to look, Lou. 169 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,780 Susan, I promise it's not a dick and balls this time. 170 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:29,370 I swear to God. Look, look, look! 171 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:33,042 Dick and balls! You looked at a dick and balls! 172 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,400 I burned you. 173 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,330 (CHUCKLES) 174 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,285 I can't believe I let you talk me into joining this sinking ship. 175 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,926 I was one of Engineering Quarterly's "30 Under 30." 176 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:43,340 Really? 177 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,100 I was on track to be "20 Under 40," 178 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,362 but now I'm "Zero Under Fuck Me"! 179 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:48,926 You fucked me, Lou. 180 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:50,620 You fucked my whole life. 181 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,769 My brother works at the NSA and I work for a madman. 182 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,211 Mad Man is a great show. 183 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,084 Sometimes I wish I could just... 184 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:03,241 Okay, okay. Looks like you're hungry for an idea. 185 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,365 So why doesn't Uncle Lou give you guys a little taste, huh? 186 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,940 If you combine the right amounts of nitrotrinadium 187 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:15,090 with specifically heated water in a specialized basin, 188 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,682 you get the elements necessary for time travel! 189 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,500 (IMITATES COCKING SHOTGUN) 190 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:24,002 Boom! Shotgun to the dick! (GRUNTS) 191 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,180 I'm gonna be in the lab, trying to save this company. 192 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,611 Yeah! 193 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,448 (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) 194 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,250 Why are all these people here? Are we having another seance? 195 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,700 (CHUCKLES) Yeah. 196 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,600 Every day's a seance, baby. Every day's a seance. 197 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,860 I fucking hate you so much, Lou. 198 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,803 I fucking hate you, too, baby. 199 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:57,900 Courtney, it's not a big deal. 200 00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,820 Well, maybe it's not a big deal to you, 201 00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,820 but she's my only sister, and we never go visit her. 202 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,730 - It's the Grammys. - It's always the Grammys. 203 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:10,965 It's not always the Grammys. Sometimes it's the Grammys. 204 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,642 Oh, wow. Look at you. 205 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:19,180 Every fucking year, Lou? 206 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,521 Hey, enough with this dad stuff. Call me Lou. 207 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,210 Why do I have to pretend to be your butler? 208 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:24,441 You are my butler. 209 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:26,540 No, Lou, just 'cause my room's near the bar 210 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,020 and I'm good at receiving guests and... 211 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,884 Holy fuck, I'm your butler. 212 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,780 Wait... Hey, hey, Lou, what do you think about, 213 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,850 maybe this summer, you know, I come work with you at Lougle? 214 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:36,580 Listen, this is what I'll do for you, okay? 215 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:38,620 If we ever come up with a division where 216 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,660 you sit on the couch and masturbate while playing video games, 217 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:42,900 I'll get you an interview. 218 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,140 You started an interactive porno division. 219 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,220 We have that. Even that retarded Venn diagram 220 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,163 you just mentioned, it exists. 221 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,724 Listen, you are a key part of this operation, Jacob. 222 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,020 Really? 223 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,849 You're my chief mixologist! 224 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,161 Yay. 225 00:10:58,360 --> 00:10:59,407 Bloop. 226 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,204 I love you, buddy. 227 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,340 Hey, Courtney. Your tits look fantastic! 228 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:06,965 Eat shit, Lou. 229 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,325 (CHUCKLING) 230 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,380 (SIGHS) She's one of the good ones, man. 231 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,340 Come on. Let's get a drink. 232 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,204 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) 233 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,882 Jeez. The place is like a deathtrap, huh? 234 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,367 Just lousy with statues, and the... 235 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,524 Not a lot of coats, right? Not a lot of coats. 236 00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:39,364 Can I take your jacket? 237 00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:43,565 Oh, no, no, no. I'm actually kind of "on the job" tonight. 238 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:45,887 It's my dad's party, he runs Lougle. 239 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,281 What do you do? 240 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,920 (STAMMERS) You know, I'm just kind of a Jack-of-all-trades. 241 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,611 - So you're the butler. - No! (SCOFFS) 242 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,809 Come on. Do I look like a butler to you? 243 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,287 You look exactly like a butler. 244 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,740 Goddamn, it's good to see you, man. 245 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:02,921 You, too, buddy. 246 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,686 Man. That tub, huh? 247 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:07,900 Really turned it all around. 248 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,923 It's the best thing that ever happened to me. 249 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,620 You ever wish we could go back for one more dip? 250 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,722 You know, tweak some things? 251 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,451 Use time travel for more important reasons. 252 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,763 Too bad the tub is gone. 253 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,046 Yeah. 254 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,521 Too bad. 255 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:27,401 Oh, fuck. 256 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:30,161 Sorry. 257 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:31,726 What the fuck? Lou... 258 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,540 Nick-nack-paddywhack! Give a dog a what? 259 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:36,540 Gary Winkle. 260 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:39,211 Look at this. Look, Lou spilled his drink on me 261 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:41,368 so I don't have to talk to you. 262 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:42,607 Good looking out. 263 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,580 Okay, just laying it all out there. 264 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,001 Where are me and you right now on a scale of, like, 265 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,408 "dinner and a movie" to "tropical sex vacation"? 266 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,660 We're on the "It's never, ever going to happen" 267 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:53,807 part of the scale. 268 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,769 - So, like a four. - One and a half. 269 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,611 - Mmm-hmm. (GULPS) - Minus the half. 270 00:12:58,720 --> 00:12:59,900 What are you selling, Gary? 271 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,809 What? No love for Gary Winkle? 272 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,460 Okay, but it is a sound investment this time. 273 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:05,561 I'm telling you, man. 274 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,724 No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. It is only 12 blocks from the river. 275 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,260 Pristine lot. You can build an office tower, 276 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,806 nightclub, combo, whatever the fuck. 277 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:15,860 I don't care. 278 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,140 Okay, I get it, man, I get it. I get it. I'm a loser. 279 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,580 Okay, I'm always going to be a loser. I'm not like you guys. 280 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,420 I didn't magically turn it all around after that ski trip. 281 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,900 All I got is this piece of land, and I know it's a piece of shit, okay? 282 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,860 But it's... It can be our piece of shit. 283 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:30,961 Not interested. Pass. 284 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,288 BRUCE BUFFER: We are live! 285 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,380 Coming to you from the heart of the Bayou. 286 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,482 At the height of his career, 287 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:47,446 worth 2.3 billion dollars, 288 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:53,260 introducing Lou "the Violator" 289 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:54,700 Dorchen! 290 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,006 (GUESTS CHEERING) 291 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,526 (GLASS SHATTERS) 292 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,220 We've grown quite a bit over the years, haven't we? 293 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,482 Some of us have achieved our dreams. 294 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:21,246 Others have found new dreams to chase. 295 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:22,885 You know, I bet... 296 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,380 I bet there's not a person in this room who, 297 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,380 given the chance to do it all over again, 298 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,369 would do it any differently. Am I right? 299 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,369 - Am I right? - (ALL AGREEING) 300 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,450 Hmm. And if you believe that... 301 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:40,100 If you truly believe that in your heart of hearts, 302 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,440 well, then, 303 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:42,780 (SCOFFS) 304 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,724 you're all a bunch of fucking morons! 305 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,041 Genius. 306 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:51,040 Life is about do-overs, okay? 307 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,806 And if you see your second chance 308 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,924 peeking its dick around a corner, snatch it! 309 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,368 Grab it! Take my advice. 310 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,540 Look at the people you love most in this world, 311 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:04,086 then you tell them to go fuck themselves. 312 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,248 Because life is about number one. 313 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,529 Numero Lou-no! 314 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,140 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 315 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,242 So come on, it's a party, right? 316 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:17,160 Let's all get nude and fuck! 317 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:19,491 (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) 318 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:27,380 (ALL GASP) 319 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:28,460 (GROANS) 320 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,721 (ALL SCREAMING) 321 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,360 MAN: Move! 322 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:37,245 About time someone manned up and shot the bastard. 323 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,180 - Holy shit, he's been shot. - In the dick! 324 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,340 Shit! It's bad! Somebody call an ambulance! 325 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:44,500 - LOU: Nick. - Yeah, buddy. 326 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,020 - You got your hand on my penis! - I'm applying direct pressure! 327 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,500 - You don't have to touch it that hard. - My hand is acting as a tourniquet! 328 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,500 You work his dick. Whatever. No, no! Lou, Lou! Stay with me! 329 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,180 Stay with me. Look at me. Look at me. Who shot you? 330 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,540 (STAMMERING) 331 00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:58,971 Chux... Zedo. 332 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,282 Chuck Zito? That motherfucker! 333 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,420 - I think he's saying "tuxedo". - Tuxedo? 334 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,886 - (GROANS) God, it hurts so bad. - Who the fuck's wearing a tuxedo? 335 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,331 (LOU SOBBING) 336 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:09,651 What? What? 337 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,700 Okay, first of all, this isn't a tuxedo, 338 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,380 this is a morning suit. It's way more casual. 339 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:14,420 Mmm-hmm. 340 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:15,740 Don't you watch Downton Abbey? 341 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,366 I was standing right there beside you! I didn't fuckin' shoot him! 342 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,380 I want my dick back! 343 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,891 Lou's gonna fuckin' die! He's out of time! 344 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:23,605 No, he's not. 345 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,321 We'll give him more time. 346 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,084 - What? - Grab his arms. 347 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,689 Oh, God, I take it back! I take it back! 348 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,521 I don't want a shotgun to the dick! It hurts so much! 349 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,002 Oh, God! Oh, God! 350 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,402 - What the fuck are you doing? - Hang on. Trust me. 351 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,201 Whoa. 352 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:47,405 (LOU GROANING) 353 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,842 (NICK AND JACOB GRUNTING) 354 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,370 Holy shit. 355 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:01,046 - JACOB: I know, right? - NICK: How? 356 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:02,361 He stole it. 357 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,364 I stole time! I stole the whole ski lodge! 358 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,580 Check it out. Pure nitrotrinadium. 359 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,980 Lou got it from the Russians. He told them he's gonna build them a bomb. 360 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,081 NICK: Classic Lou. 361 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,500 Yeah. They've never seen Back to the Future. 362 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:16,726 All right. Everybody, get in. 363 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:18,765 A little help here. 364 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,565 JACOB: Come on, Lou, you got to earn it. 365 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:22,450 Adam's trench coat? 366 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,962 What the fuck is this? Is Adam here? 367 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:29,404 NICK: Stay with me, Violator. 368 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,020 Where's my hair? It's where my power lies. 369 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,460 JACOB: Fuck your fucking wig. 370 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,291 We gotta go back in time and stop the killer before he shoots Lou. 371 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:39,401 (GRUNTING) 372 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,140 No. 373 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:43,180 It's how it works. 374 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,380 We get blackout drunk, we hallucinate, 375 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:46,940 we wake up back in time. 376 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,250 - Don't mess with a winning formula, huh? - Don't be a fuckin' pussy! 377 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,563 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 378 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,569 Guys, I feel fucking great! I think it worked. 379 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,130 (ALL YELLING) 380 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:37,961 (SCREAMS) 381 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,760 - JACOB: Lou's not breathing. - NICK: I think he's gone. 382 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:16,724 Nick, Nick, Nick! Help, help, help! 383 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:17,921 NICK: Oh, shit. 384 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,060 - Lou, Lou. - Lou. Lou! 385 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,481 Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. 386 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:29,887 I guess we were too late. 387 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,162 Life is fucking weird, you know? 388 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,000 I spent so much time hating him. 389 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,820 And now that he's gone, I can't help but feel... 390 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:39,900 Love. 391 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,207 No. Not love. Don't be stupid. 392 00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:43,361 Respect? 393 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,523 No, that's still way too strong a word. 394 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,125 Admiration? 395 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,420 I mean, there's nothing admirable about him. 396 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,420 Well, I mean, he's your dad. Honor, maybe? 397 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,140 Not honor. I mean, that falls kind of with respect and admiration. 398 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,860 Maybe just kind of a... Just a general sense of... 399 00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:57,940 Missing, you miss him. 400 00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:59,180 - Yeah, I miss him. - Oh, you miss him. Yeah, yeah. 401 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,300 I motherfucking miss him. 402 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,926 What're you doing? You up in heaven? Raping angels? 403 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,121 Good for you, buddy. 404 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:08,766 (SIGHS) 405 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:11,260 (FARTING) 406 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:12,620 - Oh, God. - What the fuck? 407 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:13,940 I saw this on C.S.I. 408 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,100 The bowels evacuate 409 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,884 - when the body dies. - Oh. 410 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,407 That smells like hatred. 411 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:21,971 This is gonna get worse before it gets better. 412 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,402 - My dick! My dick! - (BOTH YELLING) 413 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,402 It worked! Holy shit! Wait, look! 414 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,091 Look, look! 415 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,402 That's a good-looking dick to me! 416 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:32,620 (LAUGHING) 417 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:34,927 My dick is back! 418 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:37,686 How far back did we go? 419 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,045 I don't know. 420 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,123 We put a big dryer in so we don't have to time travel naked. 421 00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:58,765 This is different. 422 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:02,284 LOU: It's like a Scandinavian gay bar. 423 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,820 Looks like a Miami IKEA. 424 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,251 Dude, it looks amazing. 425 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,722 I mean, look how classy it is. It's like a museum. 426 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:15,940 (GASPING) 427 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:17,121 (GASPING) 428 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:19,820 Who... 429 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:20,921 Who is this? 430 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:23,931 - I think it's Jacob. - (GASPS) 431 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,166 Why am I bald? 432 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,124 What did you do? 433 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:28,645 I didn't... I didn't do that. 434 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:30,450 You look like a pedophile dressed you. 435 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,927 You look like a Jewish Jason Statham. 436 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,780 You look like Michael Chiklis fucked Big Daddy Warbucks, 437 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,120 who fucked Lex Luthor. 438 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:38,700 That's what it is. 439 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,780 And... And... Who's the little doggie? 440 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,087 What's he do... What's he just doing there like this? 441 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:44,860 Why aren't you fucking that doggie? 442 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,500 Why would I be fucking the dog? 443 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:47,886 BOTH: Power over nature. 444 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:49,961 SOPHIE: Hey, you. 445 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:53,651 Is that the coat-check girl? 446 00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:57,841 Boobs. 447 00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,729 Hey, how are you? 448 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,611 I didn't know you had company. 449 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,410 - Yeah... - Hey, Nick. 450 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:06,561 'Sup? 451 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:08,371 What's he doing here? 452 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,005 This is my house. 453 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:13,811 Think that'll hold you till later? 454 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:15,571 Yeah, I'm sure. 455 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,769 - Bye, Nick. - Bye. 456 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,325 - See you at the club? - Right. 457 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,082 That coat-check girl is rude. 458 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:26,446 I like her. 459 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:28,980 I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here, right. 460 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:30,081 What? 461 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,886 Alternate universe. Like Fringe. 462 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:34,620 BOTH: (SINGING) Nerd 463 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,380 You're a fucking nerd 464 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:38,527 Nerd 465 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,980 You're a fucking nerd 466 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,560 - Nerd - And no one likes you 467 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:44,620 Poindexter 468 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:45,780 No one likes you 469 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,940 FEMALE: (AUTOMATED VOICE) Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen? 470 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,041 Hello? 471 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:51,965 Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen? 472 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,124 Duck Dynasty? 473 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,607 Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen? 474 00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,888 Duck Fucking Dynasty! 475 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:01,044 Just try "the news." 476 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,380 News selected. Thank you, Mr. Dorchen. 477 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:05,846 MALE ANNOUNCER #1: Tune in tomorrow for the challenge round. 478 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,123 Eat a boot? Eat your feelings. Choozy Doozy. 479 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,209 I think I may be Mr. Dorchen. 480 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:12,820 - What? No. - I think this is my house. 481 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,684 - No way. - I think he's right, Lou. 482 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:15,961 - That's impossible. - You heard it. 483 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,491 - It just answered me. - Uh-uh! 484 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:19,460 MALE ANNOUNCER #2: March 26, 2025. 485 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:22,460 From Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York.com, 486 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:24,847 this is The Daily Show with Jessica Williams. 487 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:26,007 2025. 488 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,460 (AUDIENCE CHEERING ON TV) 489 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,900 Hey! Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Jessica Williams. 490 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,340 Tonight's guest, Dame Jennifer Lawrence 491 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,683 promoting her Meryl Streep biopic, Streepin' It Real. 492 00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:40,525 Hey, how do they get the people to be on this show? 493 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:42,940 So, by now you've all seen the NSA satellite footage 494 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:44,460 of the road rage incident 495 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:47,803 between two self-driving smart cars in New Detroit. 496 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:52,287 President Neil Patrick Harris has called for greater regulation of the industry, 497 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,660 while congressional Republicans defend every sentient automobile's 498 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,340 constitutional right to shoot a black car 499 00:23:58,440 --> 00:23:59,771 if it's actin' funny. 500 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:01,120 (LAUGHS) 501 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,100 This show's still got it. 502 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,886 Holy shit. We went 10 years into the future. 503 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,566 Whoa. 504 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:15,202 I'm distinguished. 505 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,801 Oh, I should shave this, right? 506 00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:19,580 Yeah, that's not a good look. 507 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,409 This is so smooth, I don't think I went bald. 508 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:22,540 I think this is a choice, 509 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,961 like Andre Agassi or Bruce Willis or something. 510 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,460 You don't look anything like either of those two people. 511 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:31,007 For one, they're fit and handsome and you're neither of those things. 512 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:32,929 You look like a turtle crawled out of his shell. 513 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:34,620 Fuck you for making me bald. 514 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,380 You look like an orchestra conductor for stray cats. 515 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:39,860 You look like you give lectures on public access. 516 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:41,724 You look like a grown-up Gerber baby. 517 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,640 LOU: You look like an egg gave birth to another egg. 518 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,220 You look like Gandalf the Poor. 519 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:47,260 (CHUCKLES) 520 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,488 You look like you advise Lando Calrissian. 521 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:50,540 That's a good one. 522 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,081 You look like the guy that owns the one house that ruins the whole street. 523 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:54,980 Have I bombed anything, you think? 524 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,060 You look like you've never made a correct decision. 525 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:58,286 Ever. 526 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,125 I have definitely given a back-alley blowjob. 527 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,563 - I gotta admit I kinda like this. - I want to hit you into the corner pocket. 528 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:07,420 Now I know why the coat-check girl didn't like me. 529 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,329 I look like fucking shit. 530 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,380 So far so good on this future shit, huh? 531 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:17,940 Yeah. You know what? 532 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,281 I don't feel like anything bad's going to happen. 533 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:21,860 Uh-oh. 534 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,460 Hey, check it out. I found all the gear from the painting. 535 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:25,580 - Cool, huh? - Whoa. 536 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,045 (LAUGHING) 537 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:29,764 What happened to the bottom of your suit? 538 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:31,325 That pesky little doggie eat it? 539 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,125 It's called fashion, Lou. 540 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:34,521 You look like... 541 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,780 - Nope, not doing anymore "You look like." - But you look like... 542 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:38,020 I don't give a shit. We did it on the stairs. 543 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:40,531 We did it in front of the mirror. It'd be tacky to do it a third time. 544 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:42,540 Anyway, do you guys want some fresh clothes? 545 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:43,980 I got a whole closet full of stuff. 546 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,140 I love this shirt. My shit is fly. 547 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,208 Weren't you listening to my speech, dude? 548 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,169 Always pack a bag. 549 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,290 Hey, is that... 550 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:55,780 - No. It is not. - How did you get that? 551 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:57,260 - I didn't get... - I know what it... 552 00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:58,566 I saw what it said. 553 00:25:58,800 --> 00:25:59,940 It doesn't say anything! 554 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,180 Was that the Cincinnati box? 555 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:02,566 (BOTH SHUSHING) 556 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,246 - Don't say that out loud. - It might hear you. 557 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,408 You're really never going to tell me what's inside that box? 558 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,451 Okay, we'll tell you. We'll tell him. 559 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:12,405 - I'm going to tell him. - NICK: Lou. 560 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,260 It's the Declaration of Independence with a map on the back. 561 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:17,408 - Our family's chosen. - Yep. 562 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:19,420 That's just the plot of that movie National Treasure. 563 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:20,521 It's the Ark of the Covenant. 564 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:22,860 That's Raiders of the Lost Ark. You're not even tryin'. 565 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:24,769 I mean, that's not even anything that could be in the box. 566 00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,540 Okay, this has gone on long enough. 567 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:27,660 Okay. 568 00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:31,731 It's a ring that turns you invisible and carries with it the power of evil. 569 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,366 I've seen fucking movies, you guys! I've seen movies! 570 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,380 Wait, why are you alive? 571 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:37,500 What? 572 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:39,380 Why are you alive? We're in the future. 573 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,100 Yeah, you know what? He's right. 574 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,009 'Cause if we went back in time, you'd be alive. 575 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:44,820 But we went 10 years in the fuckin' future. 576 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:46,046 You should be dead. 577 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:47,605 Yeah, what the fuck? 578 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:49,420 What you should be asking yourselves is, 579 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,140 - "When the fuck?" - (ALL GASPING) 580 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,129 God damn it! 581 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:54,620 This fucking guy again! 582 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:55,721 Why do you do that? 583 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:57,564 LOU: He's not going to tell us anything. 584 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,081 Hey, why don't you make like a fuck off and get out of here? 585 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:04,040 Wait. So all we have to do is go back and Lou's gonna be okay, right? 586 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,120 It's not that simple, really. 587 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:09,362 The hot tub doesn't take you where you want to go. 588 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:10,860 It takes you where you need to go. 589 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:11,961 Come on! 590 00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:15,820 There are certain calculations and innovations 591 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,129 and salutations that haven't even come to pass yet. 592 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,090 What the hell does that mean? 593 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:24,528 What it means is, at the present, your tub here is just a tub. 594 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,166 Wait, are you saying that time travel is not even possible? 595 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:30,051 Right on, Liz. Give the pretty lady a flower. 596 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:31,491 - Damn it. - Lizzie. 597 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,620 That's bullshit, okay? 598 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:36,564 We got a whole vault of nitro right here. (GASPS) 599 00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,162 Where'd it go? Where did it go? 600 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:42,004 What did you do with my nitro? 601 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:44,925 How can I take what doesn't exist yet? 602 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,447 It exists in the past. How can it not exist in the future? 603 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:50,166 The past, the future. All very cute. 604 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,460 But who's to say the past isn't anything more 605 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,847 than the future of this present? 606 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:56,940 So, nitro is from the future? 607 00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:58,060 (SIGHS) 608 00:27:58,160 --> 00:27:59,446 Like Terminator. 609 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:00,980 - Yeah. - Oh! Oh, my God. 610 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,082 You think everything is like Terminator. 611 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:04,850 'Cause everything is like Terminator! 612 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,008 Arnold's hand gets chopped off in the past, 613 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:10,203 somebody finds it, reverse engineers that shit. Boom! 614 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,620 Terminators running all around this motherfucker. 615 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:14,006 That's how we got nitro? 616 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:16,687 I don't know. I never saw Terminator. 617 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,048 Oh, fuck this guy and his riddles! 618 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,964 (VOCALIZING) (GRUNTS) 619 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,604 Thanks for holding him down for me! 620 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:29,740 "Hold him down"? 621 00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,740 So you can beat to death the mystical time baron 622 00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:33,330 that holds the keys to our very existence? 623 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:34,980 That's your fucking plan here? 624 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:36,206 (SCOFFS) Shut up. 625 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:37,780 Tighten your shit up, Lou. We needed him. 626 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:39,041 Amateur hour. 627 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:41,370 This thing is awesome. 628 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:42,820 I probably invented it. 629 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:44,843 "Lou Sux 630 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:49,244 "Cox N Dix." Flip it. (LAUGHS) 631 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:50,921 Okay. 632 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:52,620 Try to stay with me. 633 00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:54,563 This is going to get complicated. 634 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:56,648 This is time. 635 00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:58,201 (LOU GROANS) 636 00:28:58,320 --> 00:28:59,526 And you're dead. 637 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:01,569 So Lou is killed in our present, 638 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,300 which means that here, in the future, he should still be dead. 639 00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:05,561 Well, clearly, he's not fuckin' dead, 640 00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:07,569 'cause he's sittin' here, still bothering me. 641 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:09,100 So what that tells me is 642 00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:10,820 we're in a completely different future 643 00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:13,400 on a completely different timeline. 644 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:16,091 Jacob, I'm the Sarlacc. 645 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:17,380 (VOCALIZING) 646 00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:18,460 JACOB: Okay. 647 00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:20,244 Anyway, the Repairman said 648 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:24,843 that the past is actually the future of the present we're in right now. 649 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:29,410 So I think what that means is the killer is from the future. 650 00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:33,202 So clearly, someone from 2025 will go back in time and shoot Lou. 651 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:34,771 Like Looper. 652 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:36,121 Wow! 653 00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:38,340 How about a fucking spoiler alert? 654 00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:40,540 "Hey, Lou, you want to go see Looper?" 655 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,449 "Nah, I got a thing I gotta do." 656 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:44,404 It's in my queue! That counts. 657 00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:46,409 It's the first Bruce Willis movie we missed. 658 00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:48,010 - Is Bruce in that? - JACOB: Okay. 659 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,860 Plainly, just by virtue of Lou being here alive in 2025 660 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:54,327 when we know that he died in 2015, 661 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,220 we're here to stop his future murder. 662 00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:59,020 - Which happens in the past. - Exactly. 663 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:00,121 I get this shit. 664 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:02,020 I'm bored by this shit. 665 00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:04,380 Let's go check out the future strip club situation. 666 00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:05,481 High five. 667 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,380 Did you just say "high five" instead of high-fiving? 668 00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:08,811 - High five. - High five. 669 00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:10,860 That is the laziest thing I've ever heard. 670 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:11,900 High five. 671 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:13,570 You don't have the energy for this? 672 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,220 No, no. You guys, we can't just fuck around. 673 00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:17,580 We got to find your murderer. 674 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:19,580 Or we don't have to do any of that 675 00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:21,569 and we go check out a strip club. 676 00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:22,762 (BUZZING) 677 00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:23,900 Oh! 678 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:26,180 - You flickered. - Ah, you're flickering. 679 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:27,860 I flickered... Why am I flickering? 680 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:29,020 By threatening your own existence. 681 00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:30,724 Have you listened to anything I've been saying? 682 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:32,609 I have not listened to any of it. 683 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,540 - (SIGHS) - God, okay, fine! Fine. 684 00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:39,167 We'll solve my stupid murder, which hasn't happened yet. 685 00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:43,043 Or we can just go to a strip club. (GASPS) 686 00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:44,540 Oh... 687 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:46,660 All right, fine! The fucking murder thing. 688 00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:49,604 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 689 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:06,204 (BAND PLAYING JAZZ) 690 00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:14,646 Huh. Nothing's really changed. 691 00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:17,087 You'd figure after 10 years, something would be different, right? 692 00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:19,210 (DOG PANTING) 693 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:27,447 That's some sexy-ass future shit right there. 694 00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:30,220 Do you or someone you love have a problem with 695 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:32,780 - heroin, speed, ice... - Yes. Yeah. 696 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:35,340 - ...smack, whack, jack... - Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 697 00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:37,740 ...Al Michaels' Revenge or cocaine? 698 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:38,887 First order of business, 699 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:40,843 we get ourselves some Al Michaels' Revenge, right? 700 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:44,726 We can help put the "U" back in "Reuvenate." 701 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:47,446 We're still demonizing addiction, huh? Like it's some kind of sickness. 702 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:49,380 I cannot wait for you to hit rock bottom. 703 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:51,005 (LAUGHS) Yeah! Yeah. 704 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:53,340 Who in the future would want to kill you, Lou? 705 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:54,740 I don't know. 706 00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:56,660 The only person who's ever had any motivation 707 00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:58,524 to kill me has been me. 708 00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:01,120 I treat everyone with the utmost respect and kindness. 709 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,322 Lou, you tried to push me down the stairs last week. 710 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:05,488 - As a joke! - (SCOFFS) 711 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,289 Oh, my God, it's you. 712 00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:10,846 Jacob is the murderer. 713 00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,367 I'm not the murderer. Come on. 714 00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:17,060 Oh, really? Because you seem to have stepped right into my life. 715 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,925 You always wanted to be the one fucking that tiger! 716 00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:23,740 Lou, if I was going to fuckin' kill you, I wouldn't use a gun, okay? 717 00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:27,820 I would spike your mid-morning cocktail with a tasteless, but potent sedative. 718 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:30,340 And, while you slept, I would wait the nine hours 719 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,820 for it to fully flush out of your system, so there's no trace. 720 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:37,209 And I would take you out into the Gulf and feed you to a tiger shark. 721 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:38,685 Damn, that's cold. 722 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:40,580 But I wouldn't use a gun. (SCOFFS) 723 00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:43,780 I'll be making my own mid-morning cocktail from now on, thank you. 724 00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:46,281 Man, I wish Adam was here. He'd know what to do. 725 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:48,340 You just described my whole entire life. 726 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,681 We need Adam and he's not here. 727 00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:55,565 Where the hell is he? 728 00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:57,011 Holy shit. 729 00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,140 When we were carrying you after you got shot, 730 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:00,300 I saw his trench coat 731 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,402 beside the hot tub time machine. 732 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:08,045 Adam murdered me. 733 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:10,340 JACOB: Okay, so Adam shoots Lou, 734 00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:12,580 and then uses the hot tub to escape somewhere in time. 735 00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:13,700 Textbook. 736 00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:15,780 Only in our fucked-up social circle is that textbook. 737 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:17,530 Why would Adam wanna shoot you? 738 00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:20,700 I don't know. I've only been the best of friends to him. 739 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:23,371 - You tried to fuck his wife. - You tried to fuck his wife? 740 00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:26,460 (SCOFFS) As a joke! Come on, you guys get that. 741 00:33:26,560 --> 00:33:27,540 BOTH: No. 742 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:28,641 - You get it. - (DEVICE BEEPING) 743 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,201 In Lougle financial news, no surprise here, 744 00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:34,860 Lougle finished trading up 10 points today. 745 00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:37,645 Nice. Looks like I turned the company around. 746 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:39,810 I'll turn you around. 747 00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:42,020 Somebody's grumpy 'cause they got murdered. 748 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:43,451 NICK: Mmm-hmm. 749 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:46,900 Adam! Come on out! 750 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:48,700 It's your best friends in the whole fucking world! 751 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:49,940 You sure this is the right place? 752 00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:52,940 Lougle Search brought up Adam's location and DNA. 753 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:54,900 He's really got to fix his privacy settings. 754 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,287 If he's here, I'm gonna kill him before he kills me. 755 00:33:57,440 --> 00:33:58,965 Hi. Can I help you? 756 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:03,242 Oh, my God. Jacob Dorchen and Nick Webber? 757 00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:05,283 - (CHUCKLES) - Guilty. 758 00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:07,820 Am I on Celebrity Subpoena? 759 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:10,764 Just tell me. Tell me, am I on Celebrity Subpoena? 760 00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:13,368 And hello, sir. Who are you? 761 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,060 - Fuck it, wrong house. - Stop. 762 00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:16,730 Does Adam Yates live here? 763 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:19,203 I'm Adam Yates Stedmeyer. 764 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:24,260 Okay, so you're married to my aunt, which makes you my uncle. 765 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:28,922 But that means that you and I are first cousins. 766 00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:31,340 Oh, my God, you guys. This is aws. 767 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:33,647 NICK: He looks like a preppie Braveheart. 768 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,525 I found this photo after my mother died. 769 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:41,522 BOTH: Great White Buffalo. 770 00:34:41,720 --> 00:34:42,860 Great White Buffalo. 771 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:45,700 - BOTH: Great White Buffalo. - Great White Buffalo. 772 00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:47,540 Great White Buffalo. Yeah. 773 00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:48,940 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 774 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:52,020 So this is him, right? This is my dad? 775 00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:53,100 So you never met him? 776 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:54,900 No, they broke up before I was even born. 777 00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:55,940 Oh. 778 00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:58,202 But you guys can introduce us. 779 00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:02,001 Yeah. See, the thing about that is, it's complicated. 780 00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:04,168 Do you guys ever feel like 781 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:06,403 everything happens for a reason? 782 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:07,686 - BOTH: Yes. - No. 783 00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:10,420 Call it destiny, or predestiny. 784 00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:12,060 I think it's "predestination." 785 00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:14,220 No, it's predestiny. I read a book. 786 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,404 - Uh, was that book a dictionary? - No, it was a book called Predestiny. 787 00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:18,980 Okay, I don't really give a shit. 788 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:21,321 With predestiny, it dictates 789 00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:24,180 that there is a force or something holding the strings 790 00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:25,620 and setting everything up 791 00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:28,724 just so they can be knocked down perfectly 792 00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:30,929 into... 793 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:37,020 Place. 794 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,407 I can't! I can't do it! I gotta go. Let's go. 795 00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:41,380 - JACOB: Sorry. - Sorry, bro, we gotta go. 796 00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:42,460 Nice skirt, by the way. 797 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:45,060 - Thank you. - JILL: I have the dress. 798 00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:46,620 Wait, who said anything about a dress? 799 00:35:46,720 --> 00:35:49,200 I certainly didn't say anything about the dress. 800 00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:50,420 Oh. 801 00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:52,500 I'm sorry. I didn't realize that Adam had guests. 802 00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:53,761 - Hey, babe. - Hi. 803 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:57,020 Guys, meet Jill. Jill, meet the guys. 804 00:35:57,120 --> 00:35:58,980 We're getting married this weekend. 805 00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:01,970 Uh, me and Jill, not me and you guys. 806 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:04,340 Oh, stop it. You're gonna make milk come out of my nose. 807 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:06,300 - Milk? What milk? - I had milk earlier. 808 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:07,447 Oh. 809 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:10,020 Are you Nick Webber? 810 00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:11,485 Yes. Yes, I am. 811 00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:14,001 Would you please do the Webber Strut? 812 00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:15,366 The Webber... 813 00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:17,860 Come on, you know it. He wants us to do it. 814 00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:18,900 I think so. 815 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,480 BOTH: Everybody, strut, strut, strut, strut. 816 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:23,529 - Stop that. - Strut, strut, strut... 817 00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:26,120 Wow, they're really good at your dance. 818 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:29,700 Your poor man's Macarena that you are very famous for. 819 00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:30,801 Everybody do the... 820 00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:32,660 They're, like, picking dicks out of a tree. 821 00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:34,180 It looks like dick-picking. 822 00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:37,100 And for the record, I still like your music. 823 00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:39,248 I mean, I know you've fallen on hard times. 824 00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:40,340 Hard times? 825 00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:42,300 You're so poor now, but I really like you still. 826 00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:43,860 What do you mean, poor? 827 00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:45,740 - Oh, my God, that's the one. - That's the one? 828 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:46,940 - That is the one. - (SIGHS) 829 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:49,407 Honey, we found our mini-cake bites. 830 00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:50,820 - Phew! - Guys! 831 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:52,740 We found our mini-cake bites. 832 00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:53,780 What? 833 00:36:53,880 --> 00:36:54,900 Oh, I didn't tell you. 834 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:56,900 - Jacob is my cousin. - No. 835 00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:59,321 - ADAM: And Uncle Lou... - Don't you ever call me that. 836 00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:01,340 - ...Is my uncle. - What? 837 00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:04,523 And they came here in a, uh... What was it? 838 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:06,040 BOTH: Hot tub time machine. 839 00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:07,300 That's right. 840 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:08,420 Oh, okay. 841 00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:11,330 So I guess you came here in hot tub time machine, too. 842 00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:15,281 Listen. 843 00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:19,887 - They're looking for my dad. - What? 844 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:22,100 - You have to go with them. - Uh... 845 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,780 Would you guys mind? It would be really, really great 846 00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:26,340 to have my father at the wedding. 847 00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:27,460 Fuck that. Fuck that. 848 00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:29,340 No way in hell. No way in hell. 849 00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:30,580 You gotta let Adam go. 850 00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:32,900 I mean, this is exactly the sort of thing that he needs. 851 00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:35,820 We've been together for 10 years. He hardly ever goes out. 852 00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:37,331 He didn't even have a bachelor party. 853 00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:38,860 Honey, you're making me seem a little stiff. 854 00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:39,940 Right. 855 00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:43,089 All right. Well, you have fun and make good choices. 856 00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:45,020 - You're my best choice. - You're my best choice. 857 00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:47,460 - No, you're my best choice. - You're my bestest choice. 858 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:49,244 No, you're my best choice! 859 00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:50,646 BOTH: You're my best choice! 860 00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:53,331 You're. My. Best. Choice. 861 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:55,244 - The fuck? - Yeah, seriously. 862 00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:57,250 Guys, I'll be there in one second. 863 00:37:57,360 --> 00:38:00,170 BOTH: You're. My. Best. Choice. 864 00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:03,928 Uh, so you guys are my dad's full-on bros, huh? 865 00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:05,500 I always wondered what my dad's full-on bros 866 00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:08,460 would be like and now... Now I totally know. 867 00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:11,086 'Cause we're getting some serious hang-time. 868 00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:12,401 Hey. 869 00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:16,620 You know what, I feel like we are going to have an unforgettably... 870 00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:18,580 Dude, where the fuck are we going? 871 00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:20,060 Oh. Well, my mom used to live near here, 872 00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:23,448 so I figured we'd go by her old building and see if we can find a clue. 873 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:26,700 Okay! Well, there's a 50-50 chance I might murder your dad, 874 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:28,180 so if you have a reunion speech, 875 00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:29,300 - keep it tight. - NICK: Whoa! 876 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:31,209 - (BRAKES SCREECH) - Holy shit! 877 00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:32,931 Wassup, man? 878 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:34,849 No, no, no, no, no. 879 00:38:35,720 --> 00:38:37,404 There's no one driving that car. 880 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:43,580 Yeah, it's a smart car. 881 00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:46,286 - Yeah, I can see that. - No, it's a smart car. 882 00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:48,528 - It's self-driving. - What? 883 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:49,700 That's awesome! 884 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:51,564 Now, see, this is that future shit I'm talking about. 885 00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:52,920 How much that set you back? 886 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,049 You guys are hilarious. 887 00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:57,500 I don't own it. I mean, no one does. 888 00:38:57,600 --> 00:38:58,900 You need a car, one shows up. 889 00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:00,020 Really? 890 00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:02,020 You're a wonderful car and I appreciate you. 891 00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:03,167 (CAR BEEPS) 892 00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:04,441 Come on. 893 00:39:04,760 --> 00:39:07,420 (STAMMERS) So, this car runs on feelings. 894 00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:09,568 Yeah, I guess a six-year-old would say that. 895 00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:11,380 - Oh? - NICK: Burn. 896 00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:13,380 Really? Would a six-year-old say that? 897 00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:14,641 (CAR REVS) 898 00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,780 - What the fuck was that? - Revved up on you. 899 00:39:17,880 --> 00:39:19,803 - Did he just rev up on me? - He sure did. 900 00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:22,611 Hey! What's up? You got a problem with me? 901 00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:25,260 You know what? I'll give you the first punch, huh? 902 00:39:25,360 --> 00:39:26,460 Go ahead. 903 00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:28,847 Go ahead! Hit me! 904 00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:30,207 Come on! 905 00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:31,500 You're not a good car! 906 00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:35,571 You're not smart! You're just a car! 907 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:38,780 Okay. I don't think it actually works that way. 908 00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:40,420 Like, you can't hurt its feelings. 909 00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:41,940 You're a wonderful car and I appreciate you. 910 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:43,620 - (BEEPS) - Yeah, well, guess what? 911 00:39:43,720 --> 00:39:45,961 You can hurt my feelings, okay? 912 00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:47,810 - What? - I'm walking. 913 00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:49,325 (CAR REVS) 914 00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:52,087 - Is he always like this? - Pretty much. 915 00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:54,180 Does he have, like, emotional problems? 916 00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:56,780 - He's got a real serious drug problem. - He got shot last night. 917 00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:58,882 - He's got that runt ball. - His son hates him. 918 00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:00,300 That's fair to say, right? 919 00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:02,448 Yeah, yeah. He's a monster. 920 00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:04,570 I'd like to help him. 921 00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:06,205 (BOTH LAUGHING) 922 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:15,370 Oh, hey, I'm sure you're sick of this, 923 00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:18,127 - but will you sign my Dick Pad? - (WOMAN MOANING) 924 00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:20,700 JACOB: Oh, you put your dick in there! 925 00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:22,040 ADAM: It's a genius invention. 926 00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:23,969 I know, okay? I know. 927 00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:26,900 You put your whole mouth inside your son's jerk-off machine. 928 00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:29,446 What does your son's penis taste like? 929 00:40:29,880 --> 00:40:31,020 Goddamn you. 930 00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:32,326 Was it delicious? 931 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,220 Oh, hey, a friend of mine's some sort a big shot over at Lougle. 932 00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,084 Brad Syed? He's coming to my wedding. 933 00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:38,481 - Brad? - Hey. 934 00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:41,969 You guys should absolutely come to my wedding. 935 00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:43,140 No. 936 00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:46,020 JACOB: Oh, man, I wish we could, but we're doing, uh... 937 00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:47,929 Motherfucker! 938 00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:50,528 Gary Winkle. 939 00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:53,140 (ALL GASP) 940 00:40:53,240 --> 00:40:54,571 (FIRES) 941 00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:03,180 Fuck him in the face. Right in the fucking face. 942 00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:05,009 It's not about money, it's about making money. 943 00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:06,540 - Oh! Look who it... - (GRUNTS) 944 00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:08,847 - Ahh! - How are you rich, huh? 945 00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:11,088 How the fuck are you rich? 946 00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:12,780 - Oh, Lou... - You killed me! 947 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:14,882 I'm going to kill you before you can kill me again! 948 00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:16,660 Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa... 949 00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:21,129 That's hilarious. Why would I kill you? I love you, man. 950 00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:22,580 What? 951 00:41:22,680 --> 00:41:25,490 Okay, okay, okay. All right. I'm fine. 952 00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:26,806 You not buying that land 953 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:28,968 was the best thing that ever happened to me. 954 00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:30,460 Because when Hurricane Beth came through 955 00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:32,780 and destroyed half the waterfront... (EXHALES) 956 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:36,407 It turned this worthless piece of dirt into a goldmine. 957 00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:37,620 What? 958 00:41:37,720 --> 00:41:39,180 So you didn't murder me? 959 00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:42,727 What are you talking about? I love you, man. (CHUCKLES) 960 00:41:44,320 --> 00:41:45,860 So, are you boys coming up or what? 961 00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:48,531 It's not a party unless it's a Gary Winkle party. 962 00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:50,210 At Gary Winkle's. 963 00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:51,966 The Wink. 964 00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:54,401 - What are you doing? - It's a double wink. 965 00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:55,620 Ah, technically, that's more of a blink. 966 00:41:55,720 --> 00:41:57,484 - That's a blink. - You can't wink, can you? 967 00:41:57,600 --> 00:41:59,011 (SCOFFS) Of course I can wink. 968 00:41:59,160 --> 00:42:00,161 Prove it. 969 00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:03,121 Yeah. 970 00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:05,260 Let me do this. Hold on. 971 00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:07,488 Let me hold this open. I'll hold this open. 972 00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:09,081 Now do it. 973 00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:10,940 BOTH: See? 974 00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:12,121 Can we go to the fuckin' party now? 975 00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:14,124 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) 976 00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:24,530 Welcome to The Wink! 977 00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:27,888 Hey, jugglers, give my boys anything they want... 978 00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:30,051 From that shelf down. 979 00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:32,580 - Lou, what are we doing here? - You know. 980 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:34,420 Winkle is not the killer. We gotta go. 981 00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:35,860 I don't care, 'cause there's cocaine right there. 982 00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:37,220 Didn't you see the cocaine? Look, look, look. 983 00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:38,580 I see the cocaine. So what? 984 00:42:38,680 --> 00:42:40,420 Well, I'm going to do that. So, first... And then... 985 00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:43,700 Look, I'm not flickering. Am I flickering? You cannot say that I'm flickering. 986 00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:45,100 We're on a mission to save your life. 987 00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:46,929 You think I don't want to roll my dick around some cocaine, 988 00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:48,140 - and get titty-slapped? - Okay. 989 00:42:48,240 --> 00:42:50,460 Pop some bottles? Do some crazy future shit? 990 00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:51,700 I'm trying to keep you from flickering. 991 00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:52,980 - What the fuck are you doing? - LOU: Good talk. 992 00:42:53,080 --> 00:42:55,686 Thank you. And popping bottles, that's old school. 993 00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:56,940 You bringing that back? 994 00:42:57,040 --> 00:42:58,180 - Yeah. - (CHUCKLES) 995 00:42:58,280 --> 00:42:59,805 I like that. I like you. 996 00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:01,247 (SIGHS) 997 00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:02,340 Uh-oh. 998 00:43:02,440 --> 00:43:03,851 What are these? I don't care. 999 00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:07,609 Oh. So, Nick, listen, I was so sorry to hear about you and Courtney. 1000 00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:10,167 - What do you mean? - Ah. 1001 00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:12,562 Gotcha. Forget I even brought it up. 1002 00:43:12,720 --> 00:43:14,245 No, no, no, really, what do you mean? 1003 00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:16,289 I hear you loud and clear, man. 1004 00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:18,620 I don't think you hear me at all. 1005 00:43:18,720 --> 00:43:20,020 Hey, Sophie! 1006 00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:21,724 There you are. 1007 00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:27,250 I have a surprise for you. 1008 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:28,561 Oh. Uh... 1009 00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:31,087 Sophie has a surprise for me. 1010 00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:32,686 Bye, dude! 1011 00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:36,980 I'll take a room-temperature almond milk, please. 1012 00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:40,050 No, actually, I'll get a tangerine margarita. 1013 00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:41,566 No. Scratch that. 1014 00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:45,620 I'll take just an apricot sliced into fours. And a kiwi. 1015 00:43:45,720 --> 00:43:48,405 Do you have kiwi? I'll take a kiwi, sliced up. 1016 00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:50,060 A banana thrown in there. 1017 00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:51,780 You know what? Dealer's choice. 1018 00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:53,120 Just a fruit salad. 1019 00:43:57,360 --> 00:43:58,900 Should we go somewhere more private? 1020 00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:00,340 (LAUGHS) 1021 00:44:00,440 --> 00:44:02,522 Jacob Dorchen wants privacy. 1022 00:44:02,720 --> 00:44:04,100 That's so 2018. 1023 00:44:04,200 --> 00:44:05,201 Right, right. 1024 00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:07,489 No. Get that out of here. 1025 00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:10,500 I mean, I wouldn't mind a little something. 1026 00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:12,443 Remember, we agreed? 1027 00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:14,860 Look at your dad. 1028 00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:17,406 You're not going down that road anymore. 1029 00:44:20,840 --> 00:44:23,161 Oh, God, I'm so good at that! 1030 00:44:23,440 --> 00:44:24,660 (GRUNTS) Yes! 1031 00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:26,780 (VOCALIZING) It's Satan. 1032 00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:28,300 Like, I'll finger your dog, I don't care. 1033 00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:30,050 As a joke! As a joke! 1034 00:44:30,240 --> 00:44:31,401 I have some advice for you. 1035 00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:33,780 If you don't want to be considered a sex offender, 1036 00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:36,180 don't take a shit in a sandbox 1037 00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,100 that happens to be in a playground. 1038 00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:40,380 Okay? Don't do it. 'Cause guess what? 1039 00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:43,324 You have two things, a record and a fucking nickname. 1040 00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:46,500 I know it's a potentially risky move... Wedding sorbet! 1041 00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:48,300 - Mmm. - As a palate cleanser, of course. 1042 00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:49,447 I mean, I'm not insane. 1043 00:44:49,840 --> 00:44:51,922 Oh, my God! Fuckin' A! You're Nick Webber, man! 1044 00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:54,380 Let's take a picture! I can't believe it's you, man. 1045 00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:55,460 I'm gonna send this to everyone. 1046 00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:57,540 - I'm gonna get, like, a billion views! - NICK: Okay. 1047 00:44:57,640 --> 00:45:00,140 I remember when I first heard that stupid song. I was like, 1048 00:45:00,240 --> 00:45:02,641 "Man, that song is so dumb." 1049 00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:04,406 Do the Strut. 1050 00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:05,740 - Do the Strut. - No, I'm good. 1051 00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:06,966 You won't do the fucking song? 1052 00:45:07,120 --> 00:45:08,980 - You want to see the Strut? - Whoa, whoa, whoa... 1053 00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:11,300 DJ: (LAUGHS) Hey, yo! Check this out! 1054 00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,900 Nick Webber's in the house, so get ready for the original 1055 00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:16,128 - Webber Strut! - (ALL CHEERING) 1056 00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:21,660 Before that, let's back it up. 1057 00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,081 Six years ago, see where it all began. 1058 00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:27,530 I made a lot of mistakes. I've taken advantage. 1059 00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:30,280 And now I'm ready to be original. 1060 00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:33,060 This is dedicated to those who never got to be, 1061 00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:34,491 because of me. 1062 00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:39,121 Strut to the time of the clock 1063 00:45:39,360 --> 00:45:42,762 It's midnight Everybody strut right now 1064 00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:44,780 Nick Webber Nick Webber 1065 00:45:44,880 --> 00:45:46,689 You don't know but you think you know 1066 00:45:46,840 --> 00:45:48,842 Nick Webber Nick Webber 1067 00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:50,440 You don't know, but you will 1068 00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:54,571 Everybody do the Strut, strut, strut 1069 00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:58,885 Everybody do the Strut, strut, strut 1070 00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:00,180 Everybody do the 1071 00:46:00,280 --> 00:46:01,725 (CROWD LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING) 1072 00:46:06,200 --> 00:46:09,010 (GASPS) Oh. 1073 00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:13,521 Oh, this room is so much better than the other room. 1074 00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:18,041 What? 1075 00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:22,681 No! 1076 00:46:23,520 --> 00:46:25,887 Look at him go. Chip off the old block. 1077 00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:27,420 (LAUGHS) 1078 00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:28,660 Okay, be nice. 1079 00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:32,260 Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. 1080 00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:34,362 Hmm. Son! 1081 00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:37,923 Hey! What a coincidence! 1082 00:46:38,200 --> 00:46:41,204 Wondering where you ran off to, but here you are. 1083 00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:42,540 Who let you in here? 1084 00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:44,060 Would you go find your murderer? 1085 00:46:44,160 --> 00:46:48,020 Think your old man can get in on a little of this action? Or... 1086 00:46:48,120 --> 00:46:49,724 This is... This is a private party. 1087 00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:51,171 This one's mine. 1088 00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:53,325 What? Yes! See? 1089 00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:54,481 Ha! Still got it! 1090 00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:56,820 What are the, uh... house rules here? 1091 00:46:56,920 --> 00:46:57,980 I just want to know what to do. 1092 00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:01,801 I don't want to break any rules, get chucked out right away, you know? 1093 00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:04,161 - That'd be fucked up. - Touch me, you filthy vagrant. 1094 00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:06,691 (EXHALES DEEPLY) 1095 00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:10,660 JACOB: (LAUGHS) Oh! Wait, what was that? 1096 00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:12,380 Nothing. It wasn't anything. 1097 00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:13,481 You just flickered. 1098 00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:14,900 No, I'd flickered? No, I didn't. 1099 00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:15,980 How did you do that? 1100 00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:17,500 He's threatening his own existence. 1101 00:47:17,600 --> 00:47:20,780 Lou, you can't be here, 'cause you're jeopardizing your future. 1102 00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:22,660 Would you mind your own fucking beeswax? 1103 00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:24,340 Whatever. I'm over this. 1104 00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,820 No! No! 1105 00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:28,922 No, no! 1106 00:47:29,080 --> 00:47:30,525 (GROANS) 1107 00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:34,820 Long story short, the caterer did talk us into the Chateaubriand, 1108 00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:37,340 which, you know, I'll admit, is a sexy side of beef. 1109 00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:38,380 Sounds like it. 1110 00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:40,180 And I think you know where I'm going with this. 1111 00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:41,220 You thought wrong. 1112 00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:44,180 Horseradish station. That's right. We're gonna have the white and the reds, 1113 00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:46,620 separate service, different intensity. 1114 00:47:46,720 --> 00:47:48,290 It's gonna be great... 1115 00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:49,806 Wait a second. Nick? 1116 00:47:50,120 --> 00:47:52,340 - You should play our wedding. - (SCOFFS) 1117 00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:54,780 People would love to see the Strut in person. 1118 00:47:54,880 --> 00:47:56,060 I'm sure they would. 1119 00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:57,980 Hey, what do you guys want from the party tray? 1120 00:47:58,080 --> 00:47:59,180 Me? Oh, uh... 1121 00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:01,620 I don't know. I'm getting married tomorrow, 1122 00:48:01,720 --> 00:48:03,484 so I'm really trying to take it easy. 1123 00:48:03,600 --> 00:48:05,020 Yeah, you're getting married for the rest of your life, 1124 00:48:05,120 --> 00:48:07,691 so why have any fun tonight at all? 1125 00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:10,500 - Oh! - Yeah. 1126 00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:12,180 - Uncle Lou is right. - Don't call me that. 1127 00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:14,044 Give me the craziest thing you got. 1128 00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:16,860 Someone sounds like he wants the Electric Ladybug. 1129 00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:18,020 Ooh, the Electric... 1130 00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:19,220 - Oh. - GARY: Stick it right there. 1131 00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:21,300 What... I'm sorry, what exactly is that? 1132 00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:22,380 (WOMAN SHUSHES) 1133 00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:24,260 Don't take it off for 24 hours. 1134 00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:26,931 Why can't I take it off for 24 hours? 1135 00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:29,169 (BOTH LAUGHING) 1136 00:48:29,320 --> 00:48:30,651 (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 1137 00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:32,460 Yeah. What's so funny? 1138 00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:34,881 Relax. Relax. It's just like baby aspirin. 1139 00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:38,243 Except more of a super-high intensity psychotropic drug trip. 1140 00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:41,003 (CHUCKLING) 1141 00:48:43,120 --> 00:48:44,540 (BELL TOLLING) 1142 00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:46,085 I promise you, 1143 00:48:47,520 --> 00:48:49,045 you're not gonna like this. 1144 00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:53,681 (IN DISTORTED VOICE) Bye-bye. 1145 00:48:54,680 --> 00:48:56,011 (TOLLING CONTINUES) 1146 00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:58,365 Horseradish. 1147 00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:00,443 (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) 1148 00:49:09,080 --> 00:49:10,366 (LAUGHS) 1149 00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:14,688 (INSTRUMENTAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) 1150 00:49:15,240 --> 00:49:16,940 - (PHONE BEEPING) - Hello. 1151 00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:18,780 I'm a god! 1152 00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:21,087 I'm a fucking god! 1153 00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:22,761 Whoo! 1154 00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:44,725 Oh! 1155 00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:49,411 (LAUGHING) 1156 00:49:51,600 --> 00:49:53,250 (SCREAMING) 1157 00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:20,481 Shit. 1158 00:50:21,120 --> 00:50:24,249 Not in the dumpster. I owe you 50 bucks. 1159 00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:26,164 ADAM: Hey, lick my pussy. 1160 00:50:28,360 --> 00:50:30,761 Just kidding, guys. I'm up here. What's up? 1161 00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:34,441 - JACOB: What are you doing up there? - Why are you down there, stupid fuck? 1162 00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:38,125 You guys, last night, my eyes 1163 00:50:39,280 --> 00:50:41,044 - Opened. - Okay. 1164 00:50:41,320 --> 00:50:43,209 I'm telling you, you guys, you got to get up here. 1165 00:50:43,640 --> 00:50:45,961 I mean, the way the sun is just dancing off these leaves... 1166 00:50:46,080 --> 00:50:47,060 Mr. Webber. 1167 00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:48,700 Hi. I'm from Choozy Doozy. 1168 00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:51,241 - I'm here to take you to the show. - Show? 1169 00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:52,500 - (CHUCKLES) - Yeah. 1170 00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:53,761 NICK: How about that? 1171 00:50:53,960 --> 00:50:57,965 Nick Webber has a show in 2025. Still got it! 1172 00:50:58,280 --> 00:51:01,170 Right, but, I mean, we can't go because we have to solve his murder. 1173 00:51:01,280 --> 00:51:03,780 Come on! Look. Hey, not flickering. 1174 00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:05,620 Maybe it's a lead. It's a fun lead. 1175 00:51:05,720 --> 00:51:07,529 JACOB: Until somebody goes back in time and kills you. 1176 00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:08,847 I can't miss my gig. 1177 00:51:08,960 --> 00:51:12,140 Okay, Choozy Doozy is my favorite show. 1178 00:51:12,240 --> 00:51:13,380 Wait, how did you find us? 1179 00:51:13,480 --> 00:51:14,845 I just go where the cars take me. 1180 00:51:15,160 --> 00:51:16,300 ADAM: Okay, I'm coming down. 1181 00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:18,340 Do you think I can make that dumpster, guys? 1182 00:51:18,440 --> 00:51:19,820 - No. - No. 1183 00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:22,900 - Yeah, I think I can probably make it. - Yes, yes, yes, yes! Come on! 1184 00:51:23,000 --> 00:51:24,220 Yeah, I think so, too, Lou. Thanks. 1185 00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:25,340 - Adam, stay right there. - Stop. Adam! 1186 00:51:25,440 --> 00:51:26,820 - Come on! - NICK: Baby Adam 1187 00:51:26,920 --> 00:51:27,900 (SHUSHES) You can! 1188 00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:29,100 Stop, Lou! 1189 00:51:29,200 --> 00:51:30,531 Here I go. I'm gonna jump. 1190 00:51:30,760 --> 00:51:31,761 (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 1191 00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:33,060 Whoo! 1192 00:51:33,160 --> 00:51:34,161 LOU: Holy fuck... 1193 00:51:34,600 --> 00:51:35,726 Got you! 1194 00:51:37,400 --> 00:51:38,620 JACOB: That was fucking awesome! 1195 00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,848 - Oh, my God! - How did you even do that? 1196 00:51:41,360 --> 00:51:42,521 I'm strong as fuck. 1197 00:51:44,600 --> 00:51:45,740 MALE ANNOUNCER: Get ready for mischief, mayhem, 1198 00:51:45,840 --> 00:51:47,740 plenty of truths and more than one dare! 1199 00:51:47,840 --> 00:51:51,740 This is Celebrity Choozy Doozy! 1200 00:51:51,840 --> 00:51:52,860 Now, please welcome back 1201 00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:55,420 the host of the show, Britt McShasaucey! 1202 00:51:55,520 --> 00:51:56,806 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 1203 00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:02,843 Thank you very much for that, Gill! 1204 00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:06,762 Welcome to our show! We got a very, very exciting 1205 00:52:06,920 --> 00:52:08,524 show planned for you tonight. 1206 00:52:08,720 --> 00:52:12,930 Please help me welcome back to the stage, musical sensation, 1207 00:52:13,200 --> 00:52:15,601 - Nick Webber! - (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 1208 00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:22,940 (PHONE BEEPING) 1209 00:52:23,040 --> 00:52:24,140 Hello? 1210 00:52:24,240 --> 00:52:28,086 (SOFTLY) Hey, honey, guess where I am. Just guess. 1211 00:52:28,680 --> 00:52:30,700 Okay, shut up. I'm at Choozy Doozy. 1212 00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:32,100 Where have you been? 1213 00:52:32,200 --> 00:52:33,980 I tried to call you, like, a hundred times. 1214 00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:36,620 What was with that crazy phone call last night? 1215 00:52:36,720 --> 00:52:38,540 Crazy call? What do you mean? 1216 00:52:38,640 --> 00:52:42,087 You don't remember calling me and telling me that you were a god? 1217 00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:44,688 No. Does that sound like me? 1218 00:52:45,080 --> 00:52:47,740 Listen, I had the most amazing night. 1219 00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:49,620 I did everything. 1220 00:52:49,720 --> 00:52:52,405 (STUTTERS) I punched a man in the face. 1221 00:52:52,520 --> 00:52:54,020 Just walked up to him. (CLICKS TONGUE) 1222 00:52:54,120 --> 00:52:56,180 Just punched him with my fist. 1223 00:52:56,280 --> 00:52:59,682 I felt like an ape. Like an ape. 1224 00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:03,180 I did Eskimo kisses with this beautiful woman. 1225 00:53:03,280 --> 00:53:04,660 What are you talking about? 1226 00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:06,046 Honey, have you ever felt 1227 00:53:06,160 --> 00:53:11,220 that everything that you've experienced and said up to this point is just a fraud? 1228 00:53:11,320 --> 00:53:12,660 Excuse me? 1229 00:53:12,760 --> 00:53:14,580 No. Okay, "fraud" is too strong a word. 1230 00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:17,968 It's more like a lie. 1231 00:53:19,240 --> 00:53:21,820 "Lie" is actually... It's not right, either. 1232 00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:23,729 It's kind of a hard concept to... 1233 00:53:24,600 --> 00:53:26,125 Okay, bye, honey. 1234 00:53:27,520 --> 00:53:29,807 All right, that went well. That went really well. 1235 00:53:30,120 --> 00:53:33,060 Our studio audience will have the opportunity 1236 00:53:33,160 --> 00:53:36,420 to challenge you to specific tasks. 1237 00:53:36,520 --> 00:53:39,420 The best idea shall prevail. 1238 00:53:39,520 --> 00:53:41,460 Because this is... 1239 00:53:41,560 --> 00:53:44,769 ALL: Celebrity Choozy Doozy! 1240 00:53:45,320 --> 00:53:46,620 What is that, exactly? 1241 00:53:46,720 --> 00:53:48,220 Let me hear some ideas from the audience. 1242 00:53:48,320 --> 00:53:51,140 - Come on! We want some new ideas! - WOMAN: Eat a bunch of waffles! 1243 00:53:51,240 --> 00:53:53,220 Eat a bunch of waffles. Very, very nice choice. 1244 00:53:53,320 --> 00:53:54,321 MAN #1: Juggle knives! 1245 00:53:54,640 --> 00:53:55,980 Ooh! Very scary! 1246 00:53:56,080 --> 00:53:57,809 He could lose an arm! That happened last week. 1247 00:53:58,000 --> 00:53:59,286 MAN #2: Swallow a watch! 1248 00:54:00,080 --> 00:54:01,445 Can you swallow a watch, Nick? 1249 00:54:01,800 --> 00:54:02,801 I hope not. 1250 00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:04,740 Fuck a dude! 1251 00:54:04,840 --> 00:54:05,900 - Whoa! - (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 1252 00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:07,047 Okay! 1253 00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:11,849 Say some more stuff! Say something else! 1254 00:54:12,320 --> 00:54:13,401 BRITT: Now, remember, folks, 1255 00:54:13,520 --> 00:54:16,330 when you see something you like, you make your selection, 1256 00:54:16,560 --> 00:54:18,847 - and it'll show up here on the board. - (DEVICE BEEPING) 1257 00:54:19,280 --> 00:54:20,940 Uh, I don't want to fuck a dude. 1258 00:54:21,040 --> 00:54:22,166 Ah, you're adorable. 1259 00:54:25,040 --> 00:54:26,500 This is the best day of my life. 1260 00:54:26,600 --> 00:54:28,250 What the fuck's wrong with everybody? 1261 00:54:28,760 --> 00:54:32,446 Waffles, waffles. It's a neck-and-neck with... 1262 00:54:33,560 --> 00:54:35,483 Oh! Oh, well... 1263 00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:38,380 (EXCLAIMS) Look at that. 1264 00:54:38,480 --> 00:54:39,620 Oh, hell, no! 1265 00:54:39,720 --> 00:54:42,820 BRITT: You just got very lucky, my friend, because you were almost 1266 00:54:42,920 --> 00:54:45,100 about to have to eat a whole bunch of waffles! 1267 00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:47,340 I'm willing to do that. I'm willing... I'll eat the waffles. 1268 00:54:47,440 --> 00:54:48,521 Okay, now... 1269 00:54:49,160 --> 00:54:53,180 Who had the idea of this man fornicating with a gentleman? 1270 00:54:53,280 --> 00:54:55,203 Over here! This guy! 1271 00:54:55,680 --> 00:54:56,761 What's your name, sir? 1272 00:54:57,200 --> 00:54:58,220 Lou Dorchen. 1273 00:54:58,320 --> 00:55:01,180 Well, Lou, as you know, with Choozy Doozy... 1274 00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:04,460 ALL: You choose it, you dooze it! 1275 00:55:04,560 --> 00:55:06,722 You choose it, you dooze it. 1276 00:55:12,320 --> 00:55:13,860 I'm sorry. I dooze what now? 1277 00:55:13,960 --> 00:55:15,180 Oh, shit! 1278 00:55:15,280 --> 00:55:17,060 - Come on up here, Lou! - LOU: This is crazy! 1279 00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:19,083 Stop smiling! 1280 00:55:19,240 --> 00:55:20,924 (CHEERING) 1281 00:55:21,680 --> 00:55:25,127 And, we're back with the Celebrity Choozy Doozy challenge round. 1282 00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:28,802 We have Nick Webber along with his pal, Lou Dorchen! 1283 00:55:29,240 --> 00:55:31,020 What exactly is this? 1284 00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:33,407 It's the number one show on TV. 1285 00:55:33,680 --> 00:55:35,842 Okay, load 'em up! 1286 00:55:40,120 --> 00:55:42,088 What the fuck? 1287 00:55:42,440 --> 00:55:43,771 I don't think this is real. 1288 00:55:43,920 --> 00:55:45,570 (ALL LAUGHING) 1289 00:55:46,720 --> 00:55:48,927 Yeah. It's like Lawnmower Man. 1290 00:55:49,120 --> 00:55:50,980 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 1291 00:55:51,080 --> 00:55:52,220 Just like Lawnmower Man, 1292 00:55:52,320 --> 00:55:53,580 except, you know, we're supposed to fuck. 1293 00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:56,331 Yeah, well, that's not going to happen. 1294 00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:57,660 (AUDIENCE BOOING) 1295 00:55:57,760 --> 00:55:58,980 Bring me the thing! 1296 00:55:59,080 --> 00:56:00,127 Well... 1297 00:56:00,520 --> 00:56:02,727 I'm glad we're on the same page. 1298 00:56:03,440 --> 00:56:04,460 (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) 1299 00:56:04,560 --> 00:56:05,846 What's going on? Lou! 1300 00:56:07,040 --> 00:56:08,041 Oh... 1301 00:56:09,840 --> 00:56:10,980 (GASPING) 1302 00:56:11,080 --> 00:56:12,081 (BUZZING) (GROANS) 1303 00:56:15,440 --> 00:56:16,851 Motherfucker! 1304 00:56:17,040 --> 00:56:19,780 - This is getting a little dark. - Dark? What do you mean? 1305 00:56:19,880 --> 00:56:22,700 Okay, if this is the most popular show, give me some of the other shows? 1306 00:56:22,800 --> 00:56:24,580 Yeah, of course. There's Toddler In The Wild, 1307 00:56:24,680 --> 00:56:27,251 there's Mommy, I'm Drowning, there's Daddy. Where Are You Going? 1308 00:56:27,360 --> 00:56:29,840 There's, um... Building Explosion. 1309 00:56:30,440 --> 00:56:31,940 - Building Explosion? - Yeah, Building Explosion. 1310 00:56:32,040 --> 00:56:34,220 It just shows big buildings falling down, and... 1311 00:56:34,320 --> 00:56:36,780 Kids, like, trapped in the basement, and the building falls, 1312 00:56:36,880 --> 00:56:38,460 and they're like, "Ma, get me out of here." 1313 00:56:38,560 --> 00:56:40,820 And it shows them how to get out in an emergency, 1314 00:56:40,920 --> 00:56:43,161 but also tells them when to give up. 1315 00:56:43,640 --> 00:56:44,641 Ah! 1316 00:56:44,760 --> 00:56:46,649 Bing bong! What's the delay? 1317 00:56:46,960 --> 00:56:48,644 (GROANS) Hey. 1318 00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:52,561 Hey. There's something trying to kill us here. 1319 00:56:53,400 --> 00:56:56,220 That's 10,000 volts of electricity coursing through the suits 1320 00:56:56,320 --> 00:56:58,687 that you're wearing back here in the studio! 1321 00:56:59,080 --> 00:57:01,686 Every week, it's the same goddamn thing. 1322 00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:04,527 It's guy on guy, girl on girl. 1323 00:57:04,960 --> 00:57:07,201 Sometimes it's even guy on girl. 1324 00:57:07,520 --> 00:57:08,521 (ALL LAUGHING) 1325 00:57:08,680 --> 00:57:11,620 What is the big deal with the two of you boys sleeping together? 1326 00:57:11,720 --> 00:57:14,530 You're acting like it's 2010, for Christ's sakes. 1327 00:57:15,160 --> 00:57:18,846 Now, we got a show to do, boys! So start fucking! 1328 00:57:19,160 --> 00:57:20,580 Dude, is there, like, a stage manager around? 1329 00:57:20,680 --> 00:57:21,920 I mean, they're gonna kill these guys. 1330 00:57:22,040 --> 00:57:23,460 Hey, I'm sorry. Look. 1331 00:57:23,560 --> 00:57:26,100 If you're gonna sit next to me, I need to know right now, 1332 00:57:26,200 --> 00:57:28,340 do you have a problem with this show? 1333 00:57:28,440 --> 00:57:30,260 Well, yeah, clearly I have a problem with this show. 1334 00:57:30,360 --> 00:57:31,691 I mean, look, this is grotesque. 1335 00:57:31,800 --> 00:57:33,740 Jacob. This is a great show. 1336 00:57:33,840 --> 00:57:35,260 This is the number one show in the nation. 1337 00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:37,340 This is a show that families enjoy. 1338 00:57:37,440 --> 00:57:39,140 - Okay? - This is a family show? 1339 00:57:39,240 --> 00:57:41,140 - Absolutely. - Like, it's on at, like, 8:00? 1340 00:57:41,240 --> 00:57:44,180 It's on at 7:00 on Sunday nights against Butthole Nation. 1341 00:57:44,280 --> 00:57:45,884 And it always wins. 1342 00:57:46,480 --> 00:57:47,720 (SIGHS) 1343 00:57:52,480 --> 00:57:54,130 Classic Lou. 1344 00:57:55,480 --> 00:57:57,050 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1345 00:57:59,040 --> 00:58:00,201 Okay. 1346 00:58:01,560 --> 00:58:02,561 (SIGHS) 1347 00:58:04,720 --> 00:58:06,563 Okay. (GRUNTS) 1348 00:58:07,560 --> 00:58:08,800 I'm sorry, Lou. 1349 00:58:08,920 --> 00:58:11,491 I know you are, buddy! I know! 1350 00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:13,260 I know. I love you, man! 1351 00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:14,500 Don't say that! 1352 00:58:14,600 --> 00:58:16,568 I don't wanna have an emotional connection to this moment! 1353 00:58:16,720 --> 00:58:19,420 What... Oh, God forbid a couple of friends 1354 00:58:19,520 --> 00:58:21,540 can't express their brotherly love for each other! 1355 00:58:21,640 --> 00:58:22,620 I love you. 1356 00:58:22,720 --> 00:58:24,100 I told you to stop saying that! 1357 00:58:24,200 --> 00:58:26,328 I'm so sorry! 1358 00:58:26,960 --> 00:58:28,849 JACOB: So there are no more sex taboos? 1359 00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:30,340 Well, I guess bestiality. 1360 00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:33,205 But only from a community property perspective. 1361 00:58:33,760 --> 00:58:35,250 What do you... What do you mean? 1362 00:58:35,760 --> 00:58:37,660 Oh, you don't remember Llama v. Ferguson? 1363 00:58:37,760 --> 00:58:38,980 Guy tries to divorce a llama, 1364 00:58:39,080 --> 00:58:42,004 and the land is in dispute because the llama needs to graze? 1365 00:58:43,320 --> 00:58:45,420 But people still eat animals, right? 1366 00:58:45,520 --> 00:58:48,603 Oh, yeah, absolutely. And animals eat people, it's all the same. 1367 00:58:50,440 --> 00:58:53,500 You got a tuft of hair coming out your crack. 1368 00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,180 Don't fuckin' worry about it, okay? 1369 00:58:55,280 --> 00:58:57,300 I'll get your grooming tips later. 1370 00:58:57,400 --> 00:58:58,460 - Are you ready? - Yeah. 1371 00:58:58,560 --> 00:58:59,766 Okay. I love you. 1372 00:59:00,800 --> 00:59:04,180 All right! Put it in slow! 1373 00:59:04,280 --> 00:59:05,964 Really slow! 1374 00:59:06,480 --> 00:59:07,606 One... 1375 00:59:08,280 --> 00:59:09,540 Two... 1376 00:59:09,640 --> 00:59:11,244 - Take that dick. - What the fuck? 1377 00:59:11,360 --> 00:59:12,620 Come on! It's just something I say. 1378 00:59:12,720 --> 00:59:13,926 "Take that dick"? 1379 00:59:14,960 --> 00:59:16,962 Wait, hold on! Stop, stop, stop! 1380 00:59:20,960 --> 00:59:22,220 Oh! 1381 00:59:22,320 --> 00:59:24,607 Looks like somebody chose a lifeline! 1382 00:59:24,800 --> 00:59:26,340 Me! Me! I did it! I chose it! 1383 00:59:26,440 --> 00:59:28,442 Who will the lucky winner be? 1384 00:59:28,640 --> 00:59:29,846 What happens? Do we get waffles? 1385 00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:31,286 - What happened? - It's a lifeline, 1386 00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:33,020 so the chooser picks a new doozer. 1387 00:59:33,120 --> 00:59:34,860 You gotta choose someone, Lou. 1388 00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:36,500 NICK: Choose waffles. 1389 00:59:36,600 --> 00:59:37,567 (GASPS) Oh. 1390 00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:38,900 Okay, I get it. I get it. 1391 00:59:39,000 --> 00:59:40,570 All right. All right. Uh... (CHUCKLES) 1392 00:59:40,680 --> 00:59:44,162 Yeah, I know just the guy. He loves this show. 1393 00:59:46,880 --> 00:59:47,881 Oh! 1394 00:59:48,160 --> 00:59:49,540 Oh, no, no, no. I'm... 1395 00:59:49,640 --> 00:59:52,291 I'm actually getting married tonight, so I can't. 1396 00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:55,090 It's actually an issue of fidelity. 1397 00:59:55,320 --> 00:59:56,540 I cannot do this. 1398 00:59:56,640 --> 00:59:58,005 You're a monster, Lou. 1399 01:00:04,320 --> 01:00:05,321 What's up? 1400 01:00:05,640 --> 01:00:07,140 NICK: Get ready, 'cause here it comes. 1401 01:00:07,240 --> 01:00:08,260 Here what comes? 1402 01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:10,044 (ADAM SCREAMING) 1403 01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:13,361 That's my butt! 1404 01:00:14,080 --> 01:00:15,380 (LAUGHING) 1405 01:00:15,480 --> 01:00:18,484 Wow! That was good TV. 1406 01:00:20,720 --> 01:00:22,380 You know what, Adam, I thought about it. 1407 01:00:22,480 --> 01:00:24,740 You can call me Uncle Lou now. 1408 01:00:24,840 --> 01:00:27,161 Holy shit! Did you see that? 1409 01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:29,140 You're a fucking lunatic! 1410 01:00:29,240 --> 01:00:31,220 - Was that the same car? - Couldn't be. 1411 01:00:31,320 --> 01:00:32,820 That car tried to run me down on purpose. 1412 01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:34,126 Did you see that? 1413 01:00:34,400 --> 01:00:35,481 (GASPS) 1414 01:00:35,720 --> 01:00:37,370 What if that car's my murderer? 1415 01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:39,260 You were shot in the dick in the past, remember? 1416 01:00:39,360 --> 01:00:41,300 Oh, like that would be the craziest fucking thing 1417 01:00:41,400 --> 01:00:43,300 that's ever happened to us. That car's an asshole. 1418 01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:46,006 The car's not an asshole. You're an asshole. 1419 01:00:46,680 --> 01:00:48,620 Whoa. Where'd that come from? 1420 01:00:48,720 --> 01:00:52,100 Everything is all about Lou. No regard for anybody else. 1421 01:00:52,200 --> 01:00:54,500 I'm pretty sure that's never been the case at all, ever. 1422 01:00:54,600 --> 01:00:56,841 Because of you, Adam just got raped. 1423 01:00:57,160 --> 01:00:58,460 Are we calling it a rape? 1424 01:00:58,560 --> 01:01:00,050 Whoa! Nobody got raped. 1425 01:01:00,200 --> 01:01:01,611 It felt like kind of a gray area. 1426 01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:03,330 You're a fucking virus, Lou. 1427 01:01:03,520 --> 01:01:05,010 You find a vulnerable host, 1428 01:01:05,480 --> 01:01:08,140 and you attach yourself and you just fuck 'em all up. 1429 01:01:08,240 --> 01:01:09,366 LOU: (SCOFFS) Okay. 1430 01:01:09,560 --> 01:01:13,201 Okay. Someone needs to find a chill-out tent. 1431 01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:15,500 Let's get you a comfy couch and a video game. What do you say? 1432 01:01:15,600 --> 01:01:18,860 Where does it say in the Shitty Parent's Handbook to treat your son like shit? 1433 01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:20,540 Well, if it's a Shitty Parent's Handbook, 1434 01:01:20,640 --> 01:01:23,086 wouldn't it be, like, the theme of the whole book? 1435 01:01:23,200 --> 01:01:25,043 - No, he's right. Wait. - NICK: No, no, no. 1436 01:01:25,160 --> 01:01:27,766 It's a step-by-step guide for how to be a shitty parent. 1437 01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:30,380 - Exactly. - Shitty Parenting for Dummies. 1438 01:01:30,480 --> 01:01:32,420 Okay. You're right. I apologize. 1439 01:01:32,520 --> 01:01:34,260 I apologize. You were totally wrong. 1440 01:01:34,360 --> 01:01:37,060 No, why would someone write that book? Why would that book exist? 1441 01:01:37,160 --> 01:01:38,660 Actually, Nick's idea about retitling it 1442 01:01:38,760 --> 01:01:40,860 Shitty Parenting for Dummies is a solid idea. 1443 01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:43,060 - If you want to use the metaphor again. - LOU: It's an impulse buy. 1444 01:01:43,160 --> 01:01:45,060 All right, you know what? Forget it. You're right, that's fair. 1445 01:01:45,160 --> 01:01:47,020 It was a misleading title. But the point is... 1446 01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:48,380 Fuck you! 1447 01:01:48,480 --> 01:01:50,700 If they're not gonna say it, I will. 1448 01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:54,140 I am so tired of solving your problems. 1449 01:01:54,240 --> 01:01:56,460 You wanna stop your murder, figure it out yourself. 1450 01:01:56,560 --> 01:01:57,540 I'm going to Winkle's. 1451 01:01:57,640 --> 01:01:59,540 - Jacob, what the fuck? - Youngblood! 1452 01:01:59,640 --> 01:02:02,020 No. You know why? 'Cause as long as we're here, 1453 01:02:02,120 --> 01:02:05,660 I'm Jacob fucking Dorchen! And that means something. 1454 01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:07,860 Jacob, come on! 1455 01:02:07,960 --> 01:02:09,485 Youngblood, we got to figure this out. 1456 01:02:09,600 --> 01:02:12,285 LOU: You're the only one keeping track of important stuff! 1457 01:02:13,120 --> 01:02:14,121 I mean... 1458 01:02:14,440 --> 01:02:15,487 You know what? Fuck it. Fuck it. 1459 01:02:15,600 --> 01:02:17,443 Who cares? Who needs him? I don't need him. 1460 01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:19,340 Hey, I'm getting married today, guys. 1461 01:02:19,440 --> 01:02:21,220 What do you say we kick this day in the pants 1462 01:02:21,320 --> 01:02:24,260 and get over there early for some Bloody Mary-tinis? 1463 01:02:24,360 --> 01:02:25,940 I'm sorry. Can I just get rid of this thing? 1464 01:02:26,040 --> 01:02:28,520 No! She said not to take it off for 24 hours. 1465 01:02:28,640 --> 01:02:29,900 - Or what? - I don't know. 1466 01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:32,140 Yeah, exactly. If I had a dime for every time 1467 01:02:32,240 --> 01:02:34,940 I did something a cocktail waitress told me not to do, 1468 01:02:35,040 --> 01:02:36,530 I'd be rich. Look. 1469 01:02:39,640 --> 01:02:41,005 Oh! (CHUCKLES) 1470 01:02:41,160 --> 01:02:43,322 Oh, my God, the cocktail waitress was wrong. 1471 01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:44,460 Sorry, my mistake. 1472 01:02:44,560 --> 01:02:45,925 I should listen to you more often, Lou. 1473 01:02:46,120 --> 01:02:47,260 - All right. - (SIGHS) 1474 01:02:47,360 --> 01:02:48,500 You just learned a valuable life lesson. 1475 01:02:48,600 --> 01:02:49,761 I did. 1476 01:02:52,600 --> 01:02:53,567 Guys? 1477 01:02:54,320 --> 01:02:55,481 Come on. 1478 01:02:57,000 --> 01:02:58,047 Mmm... 1479 01:03:01,240 --> 01:03:03,925 Ew, God. So... 1480 01:03:05,040 --> 01:03:06,166 (GASPING) 1481 01:03:06,840 --> 01:03:08,729 - 911, right? - Yeah. 1482 01:03:16,240 --> 01:03:17,526 (RETCHES) 1483 01:03:18,360 --> 01:03:19,361 LOU: Ugh. 1484 01:03:19,520 --> 01:03:21,522 Fucking disgusting, dude! 1485 01:03:21,840 --> 01:03:24,081 Okay, you're sick. You made your point. 1486 01:03:24,200 --> 01:03:26,521 Come on, Lou, you know he can't help it. 1487 01:03:26,680 --> 01:03:27,681 You okay, buddy? 1488 01:03:27,840 --> 01:03:28,820 (GURGLES) 1489 01:03:28,920 --> 01:03:31,207 Okay, this is becoming a bit of a hygiene issue. 1490 01:03:31,440 --> 01:03:33,522 KELLY: All right, let's see what we have here. 1491 01:03:33,640 --> 01:03:35,483 Okay, yeah. 1492 01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:38,121 Kel. 1493 01:03:38,280 --> 01:03:39,580 Come on, really? 1494 01:03:39,680 --> 01:03:42,809 Divorced? What the fuck are you talking about? 1495 01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:44,285 Kelly, we're soul mates. 1496 01:03:45,440 --> 01:03:46,805 Not anymore. 1497 01:03:48,040 --> 01:03:50,327 - Mommy? - No, I'm not your mommy. 1498 01:03:51,040 --> 01:03:53,202 - Homie? - Yeah, I'm your homie. 1499 01:03:54,360 --> 01:03:55,441 Was it... Was it something you did? 1500 01:03:55,560 --> 01:03:57,780 If so, I don't care. I don't care. I forgive you. 1501 01:03:57,880 --> 01:03:59,370 - Put this in his mouth. - (ADAM GROANS) 1502 01:03:59,480 --> 01:04:01,700 If you don't communicate with me, I can't fix this! 1503 01:04:01,800 --> 01:04:02,961 You can't fix anything. 1504 01:04:03,280 --> 01:04:06,140 Hey, bite down on this. Good. Okay. 1505 01:04:06,240 --> 01:04:07,321 What's going on? 1506 01:04:07,560 --> 01:04:08,561 Here we go. 1507 01:04:10,360 --> 01:04:11,407 Okay. 1508 01:04:12,240 --> 01:04:13,700 Oh, that's actually not bad. 1509 01:04:13,800 --> 01:04:15,290 You know, it's, like, kind of sweet. 1510 01:04:15,720 --> 01:04:17,131 What's happening to him? 1511 01:04:17,240 --> 01:04:18,446 Oh, this is totally normal. 1512 01:04:18,560 --> 01:04:20,164 The nanobots are attacking the narcotics. 1513 01:04:20,640 --> 01:04:22,085 How long has he been on heroin? 1514 01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:23,401 It was a Ladybug. 1515 01:04:23,720 --> 01:04:25,563 - Wait, the sticker? - Yeah, on the neck. 1516 01:04:26,080 --> 01:04:28,481 Yeah. We normally give Tylenol for that. 1517 01:04:28,760 --> 01:04:29,980 I just pumped him full of... 1518 01:04:30,080 --> 01:04:31,500 Narcotic-seeking nanobots? 1519 01:04:31,600 --> 01:04:32,965 - Yeah. - Whoops. 1520 01:04:33,080 --> 01:04:34,844 You're a great listener. I should have married you. 1521 01:04:35,080 --> 01:04:36,684 LOU: Look, Kel, I'm sorry, okay? 1522 01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:39,446 I'm sorry. 1523 01:04:39,600 --> 01:04:40,580 (ADAM GROANS) 1524 01:04:40,680 --> 01:04:42,091 Can we just move on? 1525 01:04:42,200 --> 01:04:44,521 I did move on, Lou. I got clean. 1526 01:04:44,760 --> 01:04:46,762 You're the one who doesn't have a rock bottom. 1527 01:04:47,000 --> 01:04:49,082 I just pray that there's still hope for Jacob. 1528 01:04:51,080 --> 01:04:52,180 GARY: This ain't a circus! 1529 01:04:52,280 --> 01:04:54,601 Quick juggling and make some fucking drinks! 1530 01:04:54,840 --> 01:04:56,205 Hey! Jake the Snake! 1531 01:04:56,920 --> 01:04:59,931 Hey, is it still day out there? Who gives a shit? What can I get you? 1532 01:05:00,120 --> 01:05:01,531 I'll take everything! 1533 01:05:01,680 --> 01:05:03,260 (CHUCKLES) 1534 01:05:03,360 --> 01:05:04,340 You sure about that? 1535 01:05:04,440 --> 01:05:05,965 'Cause, remember what happened last time? 1536 01:05:06,120 --> 01:05:07,531 Everything. 1537 01:05:08,120 --> 01:05:09,281 Okay. 1538 01:05:09,800 --> 01:05:12,420 All right! Set Mr. Dorchen up with the usual... 1539 01:05:12,520 --> 01:05:14,807 And, you know, call security. 1540 01:05:15,280 --> 01:05:17,020 KELLY: The nanobots can't find any drugs, 1541 01:05:17,120 --> 01:05:18,780 so they're traveling to the lowest part of his body, 1542 01:05:18,880 --> 01:05:20,340 where they'll harden and expand. 1543 01:05:20,440 --> 01:05:22,700 - His feet? - In his testicles. 1544 01:05:22,800 --> 01:05:24,802 Well, that hardly seems like the lowest part of his body. 1545 01:05:25,880 --> 01:05:28,042 - Shit! - What's happening? 1546 01:05:28,280 --> 01:05:29,620 Okay. It's now or never. 1547 01:05:29,720 --> 01:05:30,801 ADAM: (STAMMERING) What are you doing? 1548 01:05:30,960 --> 01:05:32,700 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - (LAUGHS) 1549 01:05:32,800 --> 01:05:33,780 What is that? 1550 01:05:33,880 --> 01:05:34,940 What you gonna do with that? 1551 01:05:35,040 --> 01:05:36,041 Stick him! Stick him! 1552 01:05:36,160 --> 01:05:37,491 (SCREAMING) 1553 01:05:39,080 --> 01:05:40,411 (SCREAMING) 1554 01:05:42,040 --> 01:05:43,166 (EXCLAIMS) Oh, shit! 1555 01:05:43,520 --> 01:05:45,090 (CONTINUES SCREAMING) 1556 01:05:47,480 --> 01:05:48,580 That's a lot of juice! 1557 01:05:48,680 --> 01:05:50,011 Okay! Enough! 1558 01:05:50,640 --> 01:05:52,300 Now what's gonna happen, I'm going to pull this out, 1559 01:05:52,400 --> 01:05:53,740 and there might be some leakage, okay? 1560 01:05:53,840 --> 01:05:55,460 (STAMMERS) Don't pull it out. Don't pull it out. 1561 01:05:55,560 --> 01:05:57,688 - I like it where it is. - KELLY: One, two, three... 1562 01:05:57,920 --> 01:05:59,160 (ADAM SCREAMING) 1563 01:05:59,400 --> 01:06:01,050 Ha! Ah! 1564 01:06:03,520 --> 01:06:05,090 - LOU: Oh, wow! Okay. - Fuck your ball juice! 1565 01:06:05,200 --> 01:06:06,201 (SPITS) 1566 01:06:06,320 --> 01:06:08,891 Oh, I walked right into that one. Literally. 1567 01:06:09,640 --> 01:06:11,642 Oh, I don't know about you guys, but I feel way better. 1568 01:06:12,000 --> 01:06:13,684 There's definitely semen in that. 1569 01:06:14,000 --> 01:06:16,082 There's definitely fucking semen in that. 1570 01:06:16,520 --> 01:06:19,364 Did you taste the robots? They're gritty. 1571 01:06:23,200 --> 01:06:25,521 Oh, fucking bottle service. 1572 01:06:25,680 --> 01:06:27,444 - (GRUNTS) - WOMAN: Hey! 1573 01:06:32,880 --> 01:06:34,530 Every fucking weekend. 1574 01:06:34,800 --> 01:06:36,131 Hey, baby. (SNIFFS) 1575 01:06:36,600 --> 01:06:38,807 You're a fuck-up, Jacob. 1576 01:06:39,440 --> 01:06:40,980 Just like your loser dad. 1577 01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:43,401 I'm not anything like my fucking dad! 1578 01:06:49,560 --> 01:06:51,140 No... Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. 1579 01:06:51,240 --> 01:06:52,241 (GROANS) 1580 01:06:52,720 --> 01:06:55,087 Wait. 1581 01:06:56,080 --> 01:06:58,447 I know how this looks. 1582 01:06:59,040 --> 01:07:01,247 No. You don't. 1583 01:07:06,560 --> 01:07:09,564 You see my son? Do you know my son? 1584 01:07:10,720 --> 01:07:12,085 Jacob! 1585 01:07:12,320 --> 01:07:15,324 Has anybody seen a grown-up Garbage Pail Kid? 1586 01:07:17,240 --> 01:07:18,241 There's Winkle. 1587 01:07:18,400 --> 01:07:20,980 GARY: I pay you girls to like me. Hey, smile! 1588 01:07:21,080 --> 01:07:22,605 Hey! 1589 01:07:23,080 --> 01:07:25,220 Uh-oh! Electric Ladybug, huh? 1590 01:07:25,320 --> 01:07:27,060 - Fuck you, dude! - Yeah. 1591 01:07:27,160 --> 01:07:28,300 Hey, how you doing? 1592 01:07:28,400 --> 01:07:29,970 I'm doing fucking shitty, Gary. 1593 01:07:30,160 --> 01:07:32,980 Still haven't found my killer, and there's a car trying to run me down. 1594 01:07:33,080 --> 01:07:34,081 I hear you there, brother. 1595 01:07:34,200 --> 01:07:35,929 I had a Passat follow me around for three weeks one time. 1596 01:07:36,080 --> 01:07:37,605 Had to buy it rims to make it go away. 1597 01:07:37,840 --> 01:07:39,180 You know what I'm talking about, huh? 1598 01:07:39,280 --> 01:07:40,260 Where's Jacob? 1599 01:07:40,360 --> 01:07:42,044 Oh, I had to throw him out, like I always do. 1600 01:07:42,160 --> 01:07:43,321 You know what I mean? 1601 01:07:43,440 --> 01:07:45,860 He said something about going to see his family therapist, 1602 01:07:45,960 --> 01:07:47,121 whoever the fuck that is. 1603 01:07:50,800 --> 01:07:52,404 I know where he is. 1604 01:08:04,120 --> 01:08:05,804 I'm not that strong. 1605 01:08:11,960 --> 01:08:13,291 LOU: Hey, son. 1606 01:08:14,640 --> 01:08:16,165 It's Daddy. 1607 01:08:23,040 --> 01:08:24,405 (NICK SIGHS) 1608 01:08:31,000 --> 01:08:33,540 It's a nice... Nice place. 1609 01:08:33,640 --> 01:08:35,220 Yeah, yeah. 1610 01:08:35,320 --> 01:08:38,324 I mean, like, as far as rooms go, this is one of the biggest. 1611 01:08:38,560 --> 01:08:41,490 - A great room is a great room. - I could see myself chilling here. 1612 01:08:41,760 --> 01:08:44,331 Right. Throwing some football. 1613 01:08:44,560 --> 01:08:46,403 Having a football match right in the middle of the floor. 1614 01:08:46,680 --> 01:08:49,411 Football, basketball, you know, just all the sports. 1615 01:08:49,680 --> 01:08:51,660 I'm so comfortable and relaxed right now. 1616 01:08:51,760 --> 01:08:53,046 Me, too. 1617 01:08:54,160 --> 01:08:55,207 - Hey, Adam... - Yeah. 1618 01:08:55,360 --> 01:08:56,361 ...about what happened at Choozy Doozy... 1619 01:08:56,520 --> 01:08:59,603 No, it was... You know, it was virtual. 1620 01:09:00,000 --> 01:09:02,002 Yeah. Virtual. 1621 01:09:02,280 --> 01:09:03,620 So it was just like... (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 1622 01:09:03,720 --> 01:09:04,740 It's in the ether. 1623 01:09:04,840 --> 01:09:06,683 - It does not exist. - Who cares? 1624 01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:08,001 That shit happened. 1625 01:09:08,200 --> 01:09:11,205 Yeah, we should get that show cancelled. Or at least arrest someone. 1626 01:09:11,360 --> 01:09:13,124 I could've ate some goddamn waffles. 1627 01:09:13,840 --> 01:09:17,367 It's like you shoved a fucking Buick up my butt. 1628 01:09:17,600 --> 01:09:19,682 I got a Buick dick. 1629 01:09:20,040 --> 01:09:21,371 You do. 1630 01:09:22,360 --> 01:09:24,601 Shit got bad, Lou. 1631 01:09:24,720 --> 01:09:27,100 I mean bad like the part of Boogie Nights 1632 01:09:27,200 --> 01:09:29,726 after Mark Wahlberg jerks off in the pickup truck. 1633 01:09:30,040 --> 01:09:32,361 I mean, here we are, with the greatest power 1634 01:09:32,480 --> 01:09:35,051 the universe has to offer at our fingertips 1635 01:09:35,560 --> 01:09:38,723 and we're just a bunch of fuck-ups. 1636 01:09:40,200 --> 01:09:43,380 (SIGHS) Jacob, I know what you're going through. 1637 01:09:43,480 --> 01:09:46,165 Yeah, I know that you do. You're the biggest fuck-up I know. 1638 01:09:46,400 --> 01:09:47,780 Look. 1639 01:09:47,880 --> 01:09:49,166 (SIGHS) 1640 01:09:50,560 --> 01:09:52,608 You know, all Dorchen men end up on a roof 1641 01:09:52,720 --> 01:09:54,460 at some point in their lives. 1642 01:09:54,560 --> 01:09:57,370 We party till we want to kill ourselves. My dad did it. 1643 01:09:57,720 --> 01:09:59,324 And your son will do it after you. 1644 01:09:59,560 --> 01:10:01,005 Even Grandpappy Dorchen? 1645 01:10:01,720 --> 01:10:04,246 Jumped off a roof, survived, died of syphilis. 1646 01:10:05,960 --> 01:10:06,980 (SIGHS) 1647 01:10:07,080 --> 01:10:09,340 Jacob, how can we expect to find happiness 1648 01:10:09,440 --> 01:10:12,091 anywhere in time if we're just not happy people? 1649 01:10:13,600 --> 01:10:15,602 We do the best that we can. 1650 01:10:20,080 --> 01:10:21,140 (GROANS) 1651 01:10:21,240 --> 01:10:23,322 Here comes the hug monster. 1652 01:10:29,920 --> 01:10:32,820 All right. Come on. Let's go do some more dumb shit. 1653 01:10:32,920 --> 01:10:33,921 (LAUGHS) 1654 01:10:36,680 --> 01:10:37,940 - Whoa! - I got you! 1655 01:10:38,040 --> 01:10:39,660 - Lou, don't drop me! - I got you! 1656 01:10:39,760 --> 01:10:42,020 - Don't drop me! - I'm not gonna let you fall, I promise. 1657 01:10:42,120 --> 01:10:43,360 - I trust you. - Okay. 1658 01:10:43,600 --> 01:10:45,700 - Oh, fuck, I'm gonna drop you! - Don't drop me! Don't drop me! 1659 01:10:45,800 --> 01:10:46,940 I'm dropping you! You fell! 1660 01:10:47,040 --> 01:10:48,690 Fuck you! 1661 01:10:48,800 --> 01:10:50,006 No! 1662 01:10:50,960 --> 01:10:53,645 FEMALE: (AUTOMATED VOICE) Suicide prevention activated. 1663 01:10:53,880 --> 01:10:55,882 Oh, look at that. Force field. 1664 01:10:56,040 --> 01:10:57,100 Oh, this is a great call. 1665 01:10:57,200 --> 01:10:58,611 I must have invented that. 1666 01:10:58,800 --> 01:11:01,121 Seriously. Thank you, Dad. 1667 01:11:01,480 --> 01:11:02,811 My pleasure, son. 1668 01:11:03,120 --> 01:11:05,122 - Is it fun? - Yeah, it's kind of fun. 1669 01:11:05,400 --> 01:11:08,131 You know what? I'm coming down, too! Yay! 1670 01:11:08,800 --> 01:11:10,006 (SNORING) 1671 01:11:10,240 --> 01:11:12,402 LOU: Guys, guys, guys, come on! 1672 01:11:12,720 --> 01:11:14,380 We got a murder to solve here, huh? 1673 01:11:14,480 --> 01:11:16,164 Let's think. It's not Winkle. 1674 01:11:16,480 --> 01:11:17,620 It's obviously not Jacob. 1675 01:11:17,720 --> 01:11:18,700 - Right? - Hey. 1676 01:11:18,800 --> 01:11:20,211 - No? Right. - Come on. Come on. 1677 01:11:20,320 --> 01:11:21,970 All right. Okay. 1678 01:11:22,320 --> 01:11:23,446 (DEVICE BEEPING) 1679 01:11:23,840 --> 01:11:26,380 Some curious news out of the tech sector today. 1680 01:11:26,480 --> 01:11:29,051 A new synthetic element has been developed. 1681 01:11:29,160 --> 01:11:32,060 The new element invented by Brad Syed of Lougle Labs, 1682 01:11:32,160 --> 01:11:35,323 is tentatively being called nitrotrinadium. 1683 01:11:35,600 --> 01:11:36,601 That's it. 1684 01:11:37,520 --> 01:11:39,820 - Brad never liked me. - No? 1685 01:11:39,920 --> 01:11:41,524 And Brad's going to Adam's wedding. 1686 01:11:41,760 --> 01:11:44,001 Oh, I keep forgetting you guys know Brad. 1687 01:11:44,680 --> 01:11:47,843 It's gonna be fun, my wedding. I'm looking forward to it. 1688 01:11:49,520 --> 01:11:51,170 Oh, fuck! My wedding! 1689 01:12:00,440 --> 01:12:03,205 Jill's going to kill me. I have to go change. 1690 01:12:03,440 --> 01:12:06,046 Oh, God. I can't believe that son of a bitch stole my idea. 1691 01:12:06,400 --> 01:12:09,260 Let's split up and find Brad on three. One, two, three. 1692 01:12:09,360 --> 01:12:12,204 ALL: Split up and find Brad before he goes back in time and kills Lou! 1693 01:12:13,040 --> 01:12:14,260 - Wow! We are so locked in. - Same page. 1694 01:12:14,360 --> 01:12:15,620 - We are so locked in. - Same page. 1695 01:12:15,720 --> 01:12:16,801 - That's awesome. - NICK: Right. 1696 01:12:17,040 --> 01:12:19,088 It's normal for men to blow off some steam 1697 01:12:19,200 --> 01:12:20,540 before their wedding, right? 1698 01:12:20,640 --> 01:12:23,883 Adam? What'd he do, have a light lunch and a spa day? 1699 01:12:24,200 --> 01:12:28,489 He did drugs and had sex with a man he barely knows on national TV. 1700 01:12:28,800 --> 01:12:30,620 That doesn't sound like Adam. 1701 01:12:30,720 --> 01:12:33,940 (SIGHS) Honey, like you said, he's just blowing off steam. 1702 01:12:34,040 --> 01:12:36,860 Why didn't I blow off steam? I have steam to blow off. 1703 01:12:36,960 --> 01:12:38,300 All I did was get my hair done! 1704 01:12:38,400 --> 01:12:40,562 - It looks beautiful. - Oh, shut up, you dumb slut. 1705 01:12:40,800 --> 01:12:42,980 You blew half of Pittsburgh before your bachelorette party. 1706 01:12:43,080 --> 01:12:44,206 Get me some champagne. 1707 01:12:51,240 --> 01:12:52,890 I don't know what's taking Jill. 1708 01:12:54,080 --> 01:12:55,580 You think she saw Choozy Doozy? 1709 01:12:55,680 --> 01:12:56,761 Does she watch it? 1710 01:12:57,000 --> 01:12:58,060 It's her favorite show. 1711 01:12:58,160 --> 01:12:59,400 Then she probably saw it. 1712 01:12:59,760 --> 01:13:01,091 Fuck! 1713 01:13:01,400 --> 01:13:02,447 Sorry. 1714 01:13:04,480 --> 01:13:05,500 (SIGHS) 1715 01:13:05,600 --> 01:13:08,604 This isn't good. She's never late. Ever. 1716 01:13:08,840 --> 01:13:10,524 Do you think she and I are gonna be okay? 1717 01:13:10,760 --> 01:13:13,286 I don't know, man. I'm not the guy to ask about marriage. 1718 01:13:13,520 --> 01:13:15,921 - Wait, are you married? - Yeah. Well... 1719 01:13:17,200 --> 01:13:20,283 I don't know. I hope so. 1720 01:13:20,440 --> 01:13:21,700 Okay. Well, I have to find Jill. 1721 01:13:21,800 --> 01:13:22,847 Will you cover for me? 1722 01:13:22,960 --> 01:13:24,291 No, we gotta find Brad. 1723 01:13:24,600 --> 01:13:26,762 Fuck a dude. Fuck two dudes. 1724 01:13:26,960 --> 01:13:29,611 "I'm Adam. I get plowed by dudes on TV." 1725 01:13:30,120 --> 01:13:31,121 Oh. 1726 01:13:31,280 --> 01:13:33,601 Eeny, meeny, miney, drunk. 1727 01:13:34,920 --> 01:13:36,649 (SCOFFS) Choozy Boozey. 1728 01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:40,445 Oh, so sorry. Wrong room. 1729 01:13:42,280 --> 01:13:43,281 (GIGGLES) 1730 01:13:44,640 --> 01:13:46,961 Oh, shit. 1731 01:13:48,200 --> 01:13:52,380 Anybody know a Brad Syed? Report... 1732 01:13:52,480 --> 01:13:54,801 Hey, Nick Webber. Do the dance. 1733 01:13:55,040 --> 01:13:56,405 You want me to do the dance? 1734 01:13:56,560 --> 01:13:57,540 Yeah, do the dance. 1735 01:13:57,640 --> 01:13:59,100 You want me to do the fucking dance? 1736 01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:00,201 ALL: Yeah! 1737 01:14:05,480 --> 01:14:07,164 This is who I've become, isn't it? 1738 01:14:08,160 --> 01:14:09,820 The dancing clown. 1739 01:14:09,920 --> 01:14:12,100 The man who will apparently do anything 1740 01:14:12,200 --> 01:14:14,487 to keep his shitty career going. 1741 01:14:14,920 --> 01:14:16,220 Meanwhile, when's the last time 1742 01:14:16,320 --> 01:14:18,380 I shared a romantic dinner with my wife? 1743 01:14:18,480 --> 01:14:21,370 Or just did anything, just the two of us? 1744 01:14:21,480 --> 01:14:22,686 It's been a minute. 1745 01:14:23,840 --> 01:14:26,420 I'll bet there's a lot of people here tonight 1746 01:14:26,520 --> 01:14:28,329 who have been taken for granted. 1747 01:14:28,440 --> 01:14:29,851 This lady right here. 1748 01:14:30,080 --> 01:14:33,420 When's the last time your man gave you flowers, just because? 1749 01:14:33,520 --> 01:14:34,567 Fuck you, dude. 1750 01:14:34,680 --> 01:14:38,162 Right? On this special occasion, 1751 01:14:38,360 --> 01:14:40,681 be thankful for the one you're with. 1752 01:14:41,000 --> 01:14:43,207 Make each moment count. 1753 01:14:43,920 --> 01:14:46,207 Remember why you fell in love. 1754 01:14:48,200 --> 01:14:49,500 Now do the dance! 1755 01:14:49,600 --> 01:14:50,660 ALL: Yeah! 1756 01:14:50,760 --> 01:14:52,364 Do it! Do it! 1757 01:14:53,040 --> 01:14:54,883 Fuck it. D.J.! 1758 01:14:55,880 --> 01:14:57,211 (MUSIC PLAYING) 1759 01:15:02,880 --> 01:15:04,211 (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 1760 01:15:08,040 --> 01:15:09,201 (ALL GASP) 1761 01:15:09,560 --> 01:15:10,891 (GUNSHOT) (ALL EXCLAIM) 1762 01:15:12,640 --> 01:15:13,780 - Hey, Brad. - Hey, Jacob... 1763 01:15:13,880 --> 01:15:16,611 Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa... 1764 01:15:16,720 --> 01:15:19,564 Give me the nitrotrinadium, Brad! Give me the fuckin' nitro! 1765 01:15:19,880 --> 01:15:21,405 - Okay, okay. - Slowly. 1766 01:15:21,960 --> 01:15:22,961 Slowly. 1767 01:15:23,160 --> 01:15:26,403 Be very careful, it's my only one. I only trust you with it. 1768 01:15:26,880 --> 01:15:28,962 You thought you had it all figured out, didn't ya? 1769 01:15:29,080 --> 01:15:30,923 Just gonna go back in time and kill my dad. 1770 01:15:31,160 --> 01:15:32,491 - Kill your dad? - Yeah. 1771 01:15:32,720 --> 01:15:33,926 I know your plan, Brad. 1772 01:15:34,240 --> 01:15:35,651 Okay, sure, I thought about it. 1773 01:15:35,760 --> 01:15:37,285 A lot. When I worked for him. 1774 01:15:37,400 --> 01:15:38,401 I knew it. 1775 01:15:38,560 --> 01:15:40,340 But why would I wanna kill the man partly responsible 1776 01:15:40,440 --> 01:15:42,807 for the greatest scientific achievement of all time? 1777 01:15:43,320 --> 01:15:44,580 (SIGHS) 1778 01:15:44,680 --> 01:15:46,700 There was no such thing as nitrotrinadium 1779 01:15:46,800 --> 01:15:49,140 when your dad gave me the idea for it 10 years ago. 1780 01:15:49,240 --> 01:15:50,605 ...for time travel! 1781 01:15:50,840 --> 01:15:52,500 BRAD: He had a history of pulling great ideas 1782 01:15:52,600 --> 01:15:53,980 - out of his ass... - Boom! 1783 01:15:54,080 --> 01:15:56,660 ...and god damn it, he did it again. 1784 01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,922 I'm gonna be in the lab, trying to save this company. 1785 01:15:59,200 --> 01:16:00,645 I dedicated my life's work 1786 01:16:00,760 --> 01:16:03,001 to making Lou Dorchen's vision a reality. 1787 01:16:03,280 --> 01:16:05,931 Wait. So you are the inventor of time travel. 1788 01:16:06,520 --> 01:16:08,443 Right? It's fucking awesome. 1789 01:16:08,600 --> 01:16:11,171 So you weren't gonna go back to 2015 and shoot him in the dick. 1790 01:16:11,280 --> 01:16:13,860 Shoot him? (LAUGHS) 1791 01:16:13,960 --> 01:16:16,804 If I was going to kill your dad, it wouldn't be with a gun. 1792 01:16:17,040 --> 01:16:20,940 What I would do is spike his morning cocktail with a potent sedative 1793 01:16:21,040 --> 01:16:22,780 before dragging his body to the Gulf and... 1794 01:16:22,880 --> 01:16:24,166 BOTH: Feeding it to a shark. 1795 01:16:24,480 --> 01:16:26,721 - Yeah. - It's the perfect plan. 1796 01:16:26,960 --> 01:16:29,361 LOU: Are you having as fantastic a time as I am? 1797 01:16:29,480 --> 01:16:31,323 JILL: Shut up! This isn't making love! 1798 01:16:31,480 --> 01:16:33,180 This is a "fuck you" to my fiance! 1799 01:16:33,280 --> 01:16:34,645 LOU: Right, right, right, right. Okay. 1800 01:16:34,880 --> 01:16:37,406 - JILL: Fuck me, Uncle Lou! - LOU: Whoa! Whoa! Hold on! 1801 01:16:37,640 --> 01:16:38,620 Uncle by marriage! 1802 01:16:38,720 --> 01:16:40,449 I feel like that is an important distinction to make. 1803 01:16:40,560 --> 01:16:41,891 Fuck me, Uncle Lou by marriage! 1804 01:16:42,120 --> 01:16:43,690 I can't believe I'm fucking 1805 01:16:43,800 --> 01:16:45,962 Adam's father's future daughter-in-law! 1806 01:16:46,320 --> 01:16:50,086 JILL: I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's father's sister's husband! 1807 01:16:51,160 --> 01:16:52,810 Adam! Have you seen Lou? 1808 01:16:53,800 --> 01:16:54,801 (WHIMPERS) 1809 01:16:54,920 --> 01:16:57,890 That Jacuzzi time machine thing, is that real? 1810 01:16:58,000 --> 01:16:59,460 - It's a hot tub. - Whatever! 1811 01:16:59,560 --> 01:17:01,380 Listen, Adam, I'm sorry, I gotta be a stickler on this. 1812 01:17:01,480 --> 01:17:02,900 Jacuzzi is a brand name, and... 1813 01:17:03,000 --> 01:17:04,843 Shut up! How does it work? 1814 01:17:05,840 --> 01:17:08,002 - How does it work? - This! 1815 01:17:09,920 --> 01:17:12,220 BRAD: It's the only nitrotrinadium in the whole world! 1816 01:17:12,320 --> 01:17:16,580 Ten fucking years! It was a bitch to make, dude! 1817 01:17:16,680 --> 01:17:19,300 I know, Brad. I didn't mean to fuckin' lose it. 1818 01:17:19,400 --> 01:17:20,970 He got the jump on me. 1819 01:17:21,080 --> 01:17:22,620 But he's so much smaller than you. 1820 01:17:22,720 --> 01:17:26,441 He had, like, super-human strength, like that fucking baby in Superman I. 1821 01:17:26,560 --> 01:17:29,500 You mean Baby Superman? That baby was Superman. 1822 01:17:29,600 --> 01:17:30,580 (STAMMERS) Yeah, I mean... 1823 01:17:30,680 --> 01:17:32,523 That baby was Superman, Jacob! 1824 01:17:35,520 --> 01:17:37,100 - Hey. - Oh, hey. 1825 01:17:37,200 --> 01:17:38,500 - Any luck? - (LAUGHS) 1826 01:17:38,600 --> 01:17:39,965 - Yeah. - You found him? 1827 01:17:40,640 --> 01:17:43,530 Oh, shit! No. Brad. No, you? 1828 01:17:43,880 --> 01:17:46,486 Nah. Dude. 1829 01:17:46,960 --> 01:17:49,620 Ten years of my life. 1830 01:17:49,720 --> 01:17:50,960 Handle it. 1831 01:17:52,200 --> 01:17:54,860 Instead of linear, think of space-time as being fluid... 1832 01:17:54,960 --> 01:17:56,450 - Hey. - Hey, Lou. 1833 01:17:56,560 --> 01:17:57,607 (GRUNTS) 1834 01:17:58,200 --> 01:17:59,380 (LOU CHUCKLES) 1835 01:17:59,480 --> 01:18:00,641 BOTH: America! 1836 01:18:00,880 --> 01:18:02,882 Brad was helping. He's not the murderer. 1837 01:18:03,960 --> 01:18:05,200 Oh. Hmm. 1838 01:18:05,800 --> 01:18:07,325 - Oops. - Then what happened? 1839 01:18:07,440 --> 01:18:10,220 Adam took the nitro. He's going back to 2015 to kill you. 1840 01:18:10,320 --> 01:18:13,060 Adam Junior's the murderer? Why would he do that? 1841 01:18:13,160 --> 01:18:14,571 Um, hmm... 1842 01:18:14,880 --> 01:18:16,245 I think... Uh... 1843 01:18:16,560 --> 01:18:18,244 You guys are gonna think this is hilarious. 1844 01:18:18,360 --> 01:18:19,600 I may have, 1845 01:18:20,440 --> 01:18:24,445 uh... fucked his wife. A tiny bit! A tiny bit. 1846 01:18:25,240 --> 01:18:27,140 You know, in her vagina, or whatever. 1847 01:18:27,240 --> 01:18:28,220 Fuck, Lou! 1848 01:18:28,320 --> 01:18:29,810 So you just created your own killer. 1849 01:18:29,920 --> 01:18:31,843 - Oh, so I'm the bad guy now! - Yes! 1850 01:18:31,960 --> 01:18:32,961 Yes. 1851 01:18:33,240 --> 01:18:34,401 Come on! 1852 01:18:34,640 --> 01:18:35,687 JACOB: Fuck! 1853 01:18:36,080 --> 01:18:37,241 LOU: Shit. 1854 01:18:37,680 --> 01:18:39,500 Baby Adam got away. 1855 01:18:39,600 --> 01:18:41,921 Oh, shit. Shit. Look, look, look! 1856 01:18:42,760 --> 01:18:43,740 JACOB: Come on, come on, come on... 1857 01:18:43,840 --> 01:18:46,684 No, no, no, no, no! This has got to end now. 1858 01:18:46,920 --> 01:18:48,540 - (SIGHS) - NICK & JACOB: Lou... 1859 01:18:48,640 --> 01:18:50,290 - Lou, what are you doing? - Lou, get out of the road. 1860 01:18:50,440 --> 01:18:51,820 - NICK & JACOB: Lou! - I know what I'm doing! 1861 01:18:51,920 --> 01:18:52,967 Get the fuck out of the street! 1862 01:18:53,080 --> 01:18:54,605 You don't know what you're doing. You're going to die! 1863 01:18:55,440 --> 01:18:56,420 Lou, would you come the fuck on? 1864 01:18:56,520 --> 01:18:57,760 Let me do this! I got this! 1865 01:18:58,000 --> 01:18:59,126 I got this! 1866 01:18:59,280 --> 01:19:00,327 - Stop! - (NICK AND JACOB GASP) 1867 01:19:05,520 --> 01:19:07,727 I'm sorry. Okay. 1868 01:19:09,440 --> 01:19:11,060 - (ENGINE REVS) - Okay, okay, okay! I mean it. 1869 01:19:11,160 --> 01:19:13,700 I do. I mean it. I'm a dick. Ask my friends. 1870 01:19:13,800 --> 01:19:15,100 - He's a dick. - Big ol' dick. 1871 01:19:15,200 --> 01:19:17,123 Look, I get you. I do. 1872 01:19:17,280 --> 01:19:19,806 I know what it's like to feel unappreciated, 1873 01:19:19,960 --> 01:19:21,803 like just a member of the pack. 1874 01:19:22,480 --> 01:19:25,860 I just want you to know that despite what I said before, 1875 01:19:25,960 --> 01:19:27,380 I do appreciate you. 1876 01:19:27,480 --> 01:19:29,721 And I'm appealing to your sense of humanity right now. 1877 01:19:30,480 --> 01:19:33,140 There is a maniac trying to kill me. 1878 01:19:33,240 --> 01:19:36,801 And I'm asking you to be the bigger car and help me out. 1879 01:19:39,400 --> 01:19:43,166 I'm just a guy looking at a car 1880 01:19:44,480 --> 01:19:46,164 and asking it to love me. 1881 01:19:48,640 --> 01:19:49,926 (CAR BEEPS) 1882 01:19:51,480 --> 01:19:53,005 (LOU SIGHS) 1883 01:19:54,720 --> 01:19:56,051 (BRAKES SCREECH) 1884 01:20:00,840 --> 01:20:02,285 (HORN HONKS) 1885 01:20:04,560 --> 01:20:07,006 Listen. You can't go with me, okay? 1886 01:20:07,400 --> 01:20:08,561 Scat! 1887 01:20:08,720 --> 01:20:10,404 (CAR BEEPS) (SIGHS) 1888 01:20:12,720 --> 01:20:14,006 Hey, listen. 1889 01:20:14,120 --> 01:20:16,260 I'll be back, okay? I promise. I'll be back. 1890 01:20:16,360 --> 01:20:19,740 We'll go all the places that we never got to go, okay? 1891 01:20:19,840 --> 01:20:20,841 Just 1892 01:20:21,920 --> 01:20:23,763 wait for me. You, uh... 1893 01:20:24,400 --> 01:20:26,323 stay blue. 1894 01:20:28,360 --> 01:20:29,486 (CAR BEEPS SADLY) 1895 01:20:35,200 --> 01:20:37,009 JACOB: Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 1896 01:20:38,760 --> 01:20:40,649 We're too late. We just missed him. 1897 01:20:41,520 --> 01:20:44,046 I guess that's it. We're stuck here. 1898 01:20:44,520 --> 01:20:46,682 That means in a minute, Lou's going to 1899 01:20:47,680 --> 01:20:48,806 disappear. 1900 01:20:51,080 --> 01:20:52,740 No. That can't be right. Right, Jacob? 1901 01:20:52,840 --> 01:20:55,241 I mean, you got... You got a plan or something. 1902 01:20:55,520 --> 01:20:57,204 No. We just got to, um... 1903 01:20:57,600 --> 01:20:59,045 What are we gonna do? 1904 01:20:59,520 --> 01:21:00,931 Fuck, I don't know. 1905 01:21:01,360 --> 01:21:02,725 I don't know. 1906 01:21:04,560 --> 01:21:05,925 Aw, shit, Lou. 1907 01:21:21,360 --> 01:21:23,886 - I'll miss you, brother. - I'll miss you, too. 1908 01:21:30,360 --> 01:21:32,362 (SOFTLY) Hey. Before I forget, 1909 01:21:33,040 --> 01:21:34,565 will you just keep an eye on him? 1910 01:21:36,560 --> 01:21:38,961 He's got such a big future ahead of him. 1911 01:21:39,080 --> 01:21:40,570 - Obviously. - Yeah. 1912 01:21:44,720 --> 01:21:45,767 (SCOFFS) 1913 01:21:46,080 --> 01:21:47,491 (CHUCKLES) I got it. 1914 01:21:47,600 --> 01:21:49,011 Jacob, it's okay. Don't... 1915 01:21:49,160 --> 01:21:50,180 No, no, no. 1916 01:21:50,280 --> 01:21:53,489 Our nitro was missing because it didn't exist yet. 1917 01:21:53,840 --> 01:21:56,650 But if Adam took the nitro to the past, 1918 01:21:56,760 --> 01:21:58,410 then it exists here in the future. 1919 01:22:01,760 --> 01:22:03,091 Holy shit! 1920 01:22:04,160 --> 01:22:05,161 NICK: There's still time. 1921 01:22:05,440 --> 01:22:07,010 - Jacob! (GRUNTS) - Let's go! 1922 01:22:09,080 --> 01:22:11,128 NICK: We gotta go back to the past to save the future. 1923 01:22:11,280 --> 01:22:12,327 What does this remind you of? 1924 01:22:12,440 --> 01:22:13,420 Terminator. 1925 01:22:13,520 --> 01:22:14,780 - Always Terminator. - Always Terminator. I know. 1926 01:22:14,880 --> 01:22:16,086 Let's go save Lou's life. 1927 01:22:16,200 --> 01:22:17,440 BOTH: High five. 1928 01:22:17,680 --> 01:22:18,761 High five. 1929 01:22:19,160 --> 01:22:20,605 (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) 1930 01:22:25,960 --> 01:22:28,020 This is my favorite part! 1931 01:22:28,120 --> 01:22:29,420 Ah, here we go! Here we go! 1932 01:22:29,520 --> 01:22:31,204 (ALL SCREAMING) 1933 01:22:44,120 --> 01:22:46,122 - I think we made it! - Let's go! 1934 01:22:46,360 --> 01:22:47,486 - Let's go! - Okay. 1935 01:22:48,560 --> 01:22:50,005 (MUSIC PLAYING) 1936 01:22:53,120 --> 01:22:54,804 It's the party. And there's still time! 1937 01:22:55,040 --> 01:22:57,247 He's gotta be around here somewhere! 1938 01:22:57,880 --> 01:23:00,360 BUFFER: We are live! 1939 01:23:00,960 --> 01:23:03,167 From Lougle Mansion. 1940 01:23:03,640 --> 01:23:08,328 Worth 2.3 billion dollars, introducing 1941 01:23:09,000 --> 01:23:12,900 Lou "the Violator" 1942 01:23:13,000 --> 01:23:14,650 Dorchen! 1943 01:23:14,880 --> 01:23:16,484 (GUESTS CHEERING) 1944 01:23:19,160 --> 01:23:20,491 (SQUEALING) 1945 01:23:25,240 --> 01:23:26,765 - Hey, everybody. - ADAM: Lou! 1946 01:23:26,880 --> 01:23:28,325 (ALL SCREAMING) 1947 01:23:30,600 --> 01:23:31,681 Lou, I found him. 1948 01:23:31,800 --> 01:23:33,245 I'm going to shoot you in the dick 1949 01:23:33,360 --> 01:23:35,460 so you can't fuck anyone else's wife! 1950 01:23:35,560 --> 01:23:36,820 Technically, you all aren't married yet, 1951 01:23:36,920 --> 01:23:38,740 - so she's not your wife. - Yes, she is! 1952 01:23:38,840 --> 01:23:40,980 Adam, I hate to be a stickler, but you guys haven't met yet. 1953 01:23:41,080 --> 01:23:42,100 - It's 2015. - Shut the fuck up! 1954 01:23:42,200 --> 01:23:43,281 - Mazel tov! - Congratulations! 1955 01:23:43,520 --> 01:23:44,760 (WOMAN SCREAMS) 1956 01:23:47,520 --> 01:23:49,841 What are you doing? What are you doing? 1957 01:23:50,200 --> 01:23:52,202 It's probably pretty hard to shoot a man, right? 1958 01:23:52,680 --> 01:23:53,660 Don't. 1959 01:23:53,760 --> 01:23:56,206 It's okay. It's okay. Watch. 1960 01:23:57,040 --> 01:23:59,805 I'm just gonna make it easier on you. Look. 1961 01:24:01,360 --> 01:24:02,407 (SIGHS) 1962 01:24:02,880 --> 01:24:05,281 - Shotgun to the dick. - His destiny. 1963 01:24:05,720 --> 01:24:07,722 I turned you into a murderer. 1964 01:24:08,360 --> 01:24:09,500 I've just ruined my own life. 1965 01:24:09,600 --> 01:24:12,460 I have so much fuckin' poison in me that I've ruined yours, too. 1966 01:24:12,560 --> 01:24:13,891 Jacob was right. 1967 01:24:14,200 --> 01:24:15,725 I'm a virus. 1968 01:24:16,720 --> 01:24:19,564 This is your revenge to take. Okay? 1969 01:24:20,560 --> 01:24:21,800 Please. 1970 01:24:25,320 --> 01:24:26,651 I've seen my future. 1971 01:24:26,880 --> 01:24:28,564 You saw it. I'm a disaster. 1972 01:24:29,560 --> 01:24:30,561 It's okay. 1973 01:24:30,880 --> 01:24:33,980 Just kill me and put us both out of our misery? 1974 01:24:34,080 --> 01:24:35,241 Please. 1975 01:24:35,400 --> 01:24:38,165 I can't. I can't do it. 1976 01:24:38,320 --> 01:24:40,607 Jesus Christ, do I have to fucking do everything? 1977 01:24:41,480 --> 01:24:42,481 Lou... 1978 01:24:43,240 --> 01:24:44,220 No! 1979 01:24:44,320 --> 01:24:45,765 (ALL EXCLAIM) 1980 01:24:48,800 --> 01:24:50,131 You okay? 1981 01:24:52,920 --> 01:24:54,684 You're fucking crazy, Lou. 1982 01:24:59,120 --> 01:25:00,770 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1983 01:25:02,840 --> 01:25:04,490 I'm sorry, I may have shit my pants. 1984 01:25:04,600 --> 01:25:06,340 That's all right. It was a stressful situation. 1985 01:25:06,440 --> 01:25:08,500 It was really stressful. I'm exhausted. 1986 01:25:08,600 --> 01:25:09,660 BOTH: Oh! 1987 01:25:09,760 --> 01:25:11,125 - I'm so sorry. - I'm sorry. 1988 01:25:11,760 --> 01:25:12,807 Jill? 1989 01:25:12,920 --> 01:25:14,410 How did you know my... 1990 01:25:14,640 --> 01:25:16,220 Oh. My nametag. 1991 01:25:16,320 --> 01:25:18,004 No, no, it's because you're my... 1992 01:25:20,040 --> 01:25:22,805 I'm sorry. This is just... This is weird. 1993 01:25:23,280 --> 01:25:26,648 Up until yesterday, I thought I had a normal life. 1994 01:25:26,880 --> 01:25:28,340 I know what you mean. I... 1995 01:25:28,440 --> 01:25:31,700 Have you ever felt like your entire life was a fraud? 1996 01:25:31,800 --> 01:25:33,802 I'm sorry. "Fraud" is the wrong word. "Lie"? 1997 01:25:37,480 --> 01:25:38,460 I'm Adam. 1998 01:25:38,560 --> 01:25:40,847 - I'm... - Jill. I know. 1999 01:25:41,360 --> 01:25:42,805 Lovely tuxedo you're wearing. 2000 01:25:43,000 --> 01:25:45,207 Thank you. Well, it's for our... 2001 01:25:47,320 --> 01:25:48,810 (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) 2002 01:25:50,800 --> 01:25:51,926 Forgot what I was going to say. 2003 01:25:53,720 --> 01:25:55,643 (POP MUSIC PLAYING) 2004 01:26:00,160 --> 01:26:02,140 Well, that was exciting. 2005 01:26:02,240 --> 01:26:04,481 I guess it's not a Lougle party until somebody gets shot at. 2006 01:26:04,760 --> 01:26:05,820 I don't want to go to the Grammys. 2007 01:26:05,920 --> 01:26:06,940 No? 2008 01:26:07,040 --> 01:26:08,530 I don't wanna go to your sister's either. 2009 01:26:08,680 --> 01:26:10,330 I just want to go somewhere, just you and me. 2010 01:26:11,680 --> 01:26:13,045 Start making things right. 2011 01:26:14,360 --> 01:26:16,408 I like that. Okay. 2012 01:26:16,720 --> 01:26:18,165 And I want to get out of this shirt. 2013 01:26:18,400 --> 01:26:20,846 I've been in it for, like, three days, and it's really loud. 2014 01:26:21,920 --> 01:26:23,620 - Come here. - Hmm? 2015 01:26:23,720 --> 01:26:25,882 Put your arms up for a sec, like that. 2016 01:26:26,880 --> 01:26:29,565 Is this a dance or something? 2017 01:26:29,840 --> 01:26:31,842 Something like that. More of a strut. 2018 01:26:32,240 --> 01:26:33,571 I'm coming in. 2019 01:26:33,680 --> 01:26:35,460 Okay. (GIGGLES) 2020 01:26:35,560 --> 01:26:37,927 - There it is. Yeah. - Oh, okay. 2021 01:26:38,520 --> 01:26:40,220 Oh, this is some stupid shit. 2022 01:26:40,320 --> 01:26:42,084 You have no idea. 2023 01:26:43,520 --> 01:26:45,020 KELLY: Did I just hear fireworks? 2024 01:26:45,120 --> 01:26:47,521 Because fireworks make me want to puke, and you know that. 2025 01:26:57,040 --> 01:26:58,201 Hmm? Mmm... 2026 01:27:01,080 --> 01:27:02,570 Why are you more handsome? 2027 01:27:03,560 --> 01:27:05,300 I'm a bald person. 2028 01:27:05,400 --> 01:27:06,380 Hey. 2029 01:27:06,480 --> 01:27:08,960 What do you think about doing a 12-step program with me? 2030 01:27:09,920 --> 01:27:12,620 You know, like, go to an awesome rehab 2031 01:27:12,720 --> 01:27:16,441 with good food and a pool and classy people. 2032 01:27:18,480 --> 01:27:19,641 What do you think? 2033 01:27:20,960 --> 01:27:22,450 - Okay. - Yeah? 2034 01:27:23,120 --> 01:27:24,610 I fucking hate you, Lou. 2035 01:27:24,920 --> 01:27:26,285 I fucking hate you, Kelly. 2036 01:27:30,280 --> 01:27:32,487 JACOB: Sophie! Hey! Where are you going? 2037 01:27:32,600 --> 01:27:35,580 Um, people are shooting each other. I'm getting out of here. 2038 01:27:35,680 --> 01:27:36,700 Okay. Here's the thing, Soph, 2039 01:27:36,800 --> 01:27:38,820 I've seen our future together and I will be the first person 2040 01:27:38,920 --> 01:27:40,922 to admit that it is fucking insane. 2041 01:27:41,080 --> 01:27:42,740 The drugs, the constant partying. 2042 01:27:42,840 --> 01:27:45,127 It's enough to make anybody ask, "When is enough enough?" 2043 01:27:45,280 --> 01:27:46,327 What are you talking about? 2044 01:27:46,440 --> 01:27:47,540 Just stay with me here. Just stay with me. 2045 01:27:47,640 --> 01:27:48,971 Did you change? 2046 01:27:49,080 --> 01:27:52,220 Yeah, in so many ways. But, listen, right in the middle of that future 2047 01:27:52,320 --> 01:27:55,324 is this toxic power couple named you and me. 2048 01:27:55,440 --> 01:27:57,340 And does it all end in tragedy and tears 2049 01:27:57,440 --> 01:27:59,363 and a murder mystery? Yes, of course it does. 2050 01:27:59,600 --> 01:28:00,965 But I don't care. 2051 01:28:01,160 --> 01:28:02,924 I just got one question, Sophie. 2052 01:28:03,960 --> 01:28:05,689 Are you ready for the ride of your fucking life? 2053 01:28:20,280 --> 01:28:23,171 - What's that in your pocket? - My dick. 2054 01:28:24,280 --> 01:28:25,850 Oh, the other thing. 2055 01:28:26,680 --> 01:28:29,160 A billion fucking dollars. 2056 01:28:31,640 --> 01:28:34,041 Hey, I just met my future wife in there. 2057 01:28:34,320 --> 01:28:36,971 Yeah, man. Hang out with us, that kind of shit happens all the time. 2058 01:28:37,160 --> 01:28:39,162 Yeah. A lot of highs and lows here. 2059 01:28:39,360 --> 01:28:40,850 - Yeah. - You know, when you think about it, 2060 01:28:40,960 --> 01:28:44,571 Lou had to fuck your wife in the future, so you could meet her in the past. 2061 01:28:45,040 --> 01:28:47,122 - Well... - Yeah. But, hey... 2062 01:28:47,680 --> 01:28:48,920 That's what uncles do, right? 2063 01:28:50,840 --> 01:28:51,841 Not really. 2064 01:28:52,800 --> 01:28:53,780 JACOB: Hey, just think of it this way. 2065 01:28:53,880 --> 01:28:57,084 Since it happened in the future, it technically hasn't happened at all. 2066 01:28:57,400 --> 01:28:59,060 It's cyclical. 2067 01:28:59,160 --> 01:29:01,220 ADAM: Yeah. And even though I didn't meet my dad, 2068 01:29:01,320 --> 01:29:03,060 I met some friends for life. 2069 01:29:03,160 --> 01:29:04,161 NICK: Oh, yeah? Who? 2070 01:29:04,440 --> 01:29:06,761 - ADAM: Hey, Lou? - Uncle Lou. 2071 01:29:07,760 --> 01:29:09,000 Uncle Lou. 2072 01:29:09,760 --> 01:29:12,580 No harm, no foul, but did you ejaculate in her? 2073 01:29:12,680 --> 01:29:14,682 Hey. That doesn't matter. 2074 01:29:15,120 --> 01:29:17,122 I ejaculated inside of you. 2075 01:29:17,360 --> 01:29:18,600 JACOB: And that doesn't matter either. 2076 01:29:18,720 --> 01:29:21,500 Because those are both just hypothetical future scenarios. 2077 01:29:21,600 --> 01:29:23,807 No one ejaculated inside of anything, really. 2078 01:29:23,920 --> 01:29:25,046 No one's ejaculated. 2079 01:29:25,200 --> 01:29:26,180 (WHISPERS) Yeah, I did. 2080 01:29:26,280 --> 01:29:27,281 LOU: You know what? 2081 01:29:27,600 --> 01:29:29,204 I had this moment earlier. 2082 01:29:31,120 --> 01:29:33,441 I think it was when my nephew from the future 2083 01:29:33,560 --> 01:29:36,281 had a shotgun pointed at my dick that I'd helped him place there. 2084 01:29:37,600 --> 01:29:38,931 That was me. 2085 01:29:39,120 --> 01:29:42,966 But in that moment, everything became clear to me. 2086 01:29:43,120 --> 01:29:45,122 We need to change people's lives. 2087 01:29:45,280 --> 01:29:47,123 Make the world a better place. 2088 01:29:47,760 --> 01:29:50,001 - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - All we have to do is... 2089 01:29:50,120 --> 01:29:51,121 (GUNSHOT) 2090 01:29:52,320 --> 01:29:53,260 - (RETCHES) - Ah! 2091 01:29:53,360 --> 01:29:54,361 (ALL SCREAMING) 2092 01:29:54,960 --> 01:29:56,291 Lou! 2093 01:29:56,880 --> 01:29:58,370 MAN: Don't listen to anything he says. 2094 01:29:58,680 --> 01:29:59,727 JACOB: Adam? 2095 01:29:59,960 --> 01:30:01,803 NICK: What the fuck? You shot Lou! 2096 01:30:01,920 --> 01:30:03,524 Dad? 2097 01:30:03,960 --> 01:30:04,961 What's going on? 2098 01:30:05,320 --> 01:30:07,100 No time to explain. Follow me. 2099 01:30:07,200 --> 01:30:08,725 To where? 2100 01:30:09,480 --> 01:30:10,527 Cincinnati. 2101 01:30:10,840 --> 01:30:12,285 ADAM: No, no, Dad, wait! 2102 01:30:13,360 --> 01:30:15,283 Why did my dad just kill Lou? 2103 01:30:18,640 --> 01:30:20,847 - He probably had an okay reason. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 2104 01:30:21,000 --> 01:30:22,843 Wait! Don't go with Adam! 2105 01:30:24,000 --> 01:30:25,001 (SCREAMS) 2106 01:30:26,000 --> 01:30:26,980 (SIGHS) 2107 01:30:27,080 --> 01:30:28,140 Patriot Lou. 2108 01:30:28,240 --> 01:30:29,420 Are those wooden teeth? 2109 01:30:29,520 --> 01:30:32,171 NICK: He looks like Cap'n Crunch fucked Paul Revere. 2110 01:30:32,280 --> 01:30:33,900 His hair's breathtaking. 2111 01:30:34,000 --> 01:30:35,206 It's beautiful. 2112 01:30:36,320 --> 01:30:38,260 - Don't listen to him. - Why? 2113 01:30:38,360 --> 01:30:40,060 It's a long story. 2114 01:30:40,160 --> 01:30:41,580 Believe me, he did us all a favor. 2115 01:30:41,680 --> 01:30:43,260 This one was bad. 2116 01:30:43,360 --> 01:30:45,100 (STAMMERS) Oh, okay. The bigger question is, how... 2117 01:30:45,200 --> 01:30:47,060 That's not the only me. You think you're the only you? 2118 01:30:47,160 --> 01:30:48,889 There's a ton of yous out there. 2119 01:30:49,080 --> 01:30:51,180 Look, you're gonna like this me a lot better. 2120 01:30:51,280 --> 01:30:52,930 This me is great. Take it from me. 2121 01:30:53,160 --> 01:30:54,321 Holy shit. 2122 01:30:55,480 --> 01:30:57,005 I mean, you guys get it, right? 2123 01:30:57,760 --> 01:31:00,161 Multiple universes, like Fringe. 2124 01:31:02,720 --> 01:31:03,780 (SINGING) Nerd 2125 01:31:03,880 --> 01:31:06,780 You're a fucking nerd 2126 01:31:06,880 --> 01:31:08,041 Poindexter 2127 01:31:08,200 --> 01:31:10,407 You're a fucking nerd 2128 01:31:10,560 --> 01:31:12,100 And no one likes you 2129 01:31:12,200 --> 01:31:13,201 ADAM: You're a nerd You're a nerd... 2130 01:31:13,320 --> 01:31:14,460 And no one likes you 2131 01:31:14,560 --> 01:31:16,020 You suck each other's dicks 2132 01:31:16,120 --> 01:31:17,220 - Whoa! - What? 2133 01:31:17,320 --> 01:31:18,300 Let's... 2134 01:31:18,400 --> 01:31:19,731 I'm sorry. 2135 01:31:20,040 --> 01:31:22,180 Obviously not the direction of the song, right? 2136 01:31:22,280 --> 01:31:25,170 I totally misread that song. My apologies. 2137 01:31:25,720 --> 01:31:27,085 Okay, so what now? 2138 01:31:27,480 --> 01:31:28,811 Yeah. You guys gotta come with me. 2139 01:31:28,920 --> 01:31:30,081 To where? 2140 01:31:32,160 --> 01:31:34,481 We gotta make America happen, bro. 2141 01:31:37,360 --> 01:31:38,660 Ready for another dip? 2142 01:31:38,760 --> 01:31:40,100 You know, you're not gonna be super welcome there, 2143 01:31:40,200 --> 01:31:41,660 - but we should totally go. - I know. 2144 01:31:41,760 --> 01:31:43,000 - Are we going? - Yeah. 2145 01:31:43,720 --> 01:31:45,324 (ALL SCREAMING) 2146 01:31:48,000 --> 01:31:50,420 You're a fucking nerd 2147 01:31:50,520 --> 01:31:52,700 And no one likes you 2148 01:31:52,800 --> 01:31:55,340 You're a fucking nerd 2149 01:31:55,440 --> 01:31:57,488 And no one likes you 2150 01:31:57,920 --> 01:31:59,206 (ALL CHEERING) 2151 01:31:59,520 --> 01:32:00,940 Adam saved Lincoln! 2152 01:32:01,040 --> 01:32:04,260 That parade was the single greatest moment of my life. 2153 01:32:04,360 --> 01:32:05,420 More so than saving Lincoln? 2154 01:32:05,520 --> 01:32:07,100 No, that was the third greatest moment of my life. 2155 01:32:07,200 --> 01:32:08,140 What was the second? 2156 01:32:08,240 --> 01:32:09,810 A parade I attended as a child. 2157 01:32:14,720 --> 01:32:15,780 Oh, shit, you guys. 2158 01:32:15,880 --> 01:32:17,689 I left my phone back in the 1800s. 2159 01:32:17,880 --> 01:32:19,370 I fed some gum to a dinosaur. 2160 01:32:19,520 --> 01:32:21,363 As long as we're coming clean, I fucked Marilyn Monroe. 2161 01:32:21,520 --> 01:32:22,660 (SCOFFING) 2162 01:32:22,760 --> 01:32:24,603 Yeah. Sure you did, buddy. 2163 01:32:28,560 --> 01:32:30,562 Who's a nerd now, motherfuckers, huh? 2164 01:32:30,720 --> 01:32:31,926 I'm Arthur Miller. 2165 01:32:33,200 --> 01:32:34,406 Oh, come... Come on! 2166 01:32:40,520 --> 01:32:41,460 You look like... 2167 01:32:41,560 --> 01:32:43,220 - Come on, baby. You got this. - Let him do it. 2168 01:32:43,320 --> 01:32:44,860 - Let him do it. - JACOB: We'll let him do it. 2169 01:32:44,960 --> 01:32:46,740 Come on. Something fucked something to make it happen. 2170 01:32:46,840 --> 01:32:50,140 It's easy. You just mash two things up together and then you nail him with it. 2171 01:32:50,240 --> 01:32:52,925 You look like... Kevin Yardley! 2172 01:32:53,080 --> 01:32:54,445 Who the fuck is Kevin Yardley? 2173 01:32:54,640 --> 01:32:56,860 A guy I went to high school with. Yeah, he looks just like him. 2174 01:32:56,960 --> 01:32:59,611 Boo! You suck at this! 2175 01:33:04,760 --> 01:33:06,860 I just get sick of explaining it to him. 2176 01:33:06,960 --> 01:33:08,740 How hard is it to understand time travel? 2177 01:33:08,840 --> 01:33:11,260 I mean, we get it. E equals MC squared. 2178 01:33:11,360 --> 01:33:12,900 Einstein's a stupid fucking idiot. 2179 01:33:13,000 --> 01:33:13,980 - Right? - Yeah. 2180 01:33:14,080 --> 01:33:15,605 (CROWD CHEERING) 2181 01:33:17,600 --> 01:33:19,841 ED SULLIVAN: Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles! 2182 01:33:22,000 --> 01:33:23,380 (ALL LAUGHING) 2183 01:33:23,480 --> 01:33:25,164 You're fucking Ringo! 2184 01:33:25,280 --> 01:33:26,281 Damn it. 2185 01:33:29,640 --> 01:33:33,008 MAN: Apple is going to reinvent the phone. 2186 01:33:36,520 --> 01:33:37,500 Explain yourself. 2187 01:33:37,600 --> 01:33:38,931 I will not. 2188 01:33:39,800 --> 01:33:40,780 I'm Nick Webber. 2189 01:33:40,880 --> 01:33:41,860 I'm Jacob Dorchen. 2190 01:33:41,960 --> 01:33:43,380 I'm Adam Yates Stedmeyer. 2191 01:33:43,480 --> 01:33:44,606 I'm Lou Dorchen. 2192 01:33:44,720 --> 01:33:49,044 All that and one less minute tonight on 59 Minutes. 2193 01:33:50,520 --> 01:33:52,761 (MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO) 2194 01:33:55,000 --> 01:33:57,162 - Yes! - BOTH: The moon! 2195 01:33:57,360 --> 01:33:59,460 First man to save a President and go into space. 2196 01:33:59,560 --> 01:34:01,460 It was just a soundstage in New Mexico. 2197 01:34:01,560 --> 01:34:03,130 It wasn't real. 2198 01:34:06,160 --> 01:34:07,207 (BELL DINGING) 2199 01:34:11,200 --> 01:34:12,620 LOU: You knew that was gonna happen! 2200 01:34:12,720 --> 01:34:14,340 What did I keep saying? Protect the ears. 2201 01:34:14,440 --> 01:34:15,771 He was beating the shit out of me! 2202 01:34:16,480 --> 01:34:18,244 ANNOUNCER: Dorchen does it again! 2203 01:34:19,360 --> 01:34:20,930 Unbelievable! 2204 01:34:22,240 --> 01:34:24,641 Nothing but net. Nothing but net. 2205 01:34:24,840 --> 01:34:26,888 - You're just gonna keep saying... - Nothing but net! 2206 01:34:31,880 --> 01:34:34,531 (SINGING) You're a fucking nerd 2207 01:34:34,880 --> 01:34:37,042 Come on. No way! I had sex with Marilyn Monroe! 2208 01:34:37,320 --> 01:34:38,890 - You're a fucking nerd - You're a nerd. You're a nerd 2209 01:34:39,160 --> 01:34:40,366 Stop singing the song! 2210 01:34:40,520 --> 01:34:41,851 - Nobody likes you - Poindexter 2211 01:34:42,000 --> 01:34:44,048 I won't listen to this song one more fuckin' time! 2212 01:34:44,360 --> 01:34:45,407 No, no! 2213 01:34:51,160 --> 01:34:53,049 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 2214 01:34:54,034 --> 01:35:00,129 Improved By: Fidel33172903

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