Original subtitles

Ugh, Don, you have got to get over this.

I'm not buying you a Cinnabon

every time we go see our accountant.

It's right downstairs.

I could smell it the whole meeting.

Now I'm just

sitting here eating an orange, like a hippie.

Hey, babe.

- Hi, Don. Hi. - Oh, hey, honey.

- I've got some good news for you. - Yeah?

You know that, uh, fundraiser at my hospital

that we're going to this weekend?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That party.

Ooh.

Where'd that cough come from?

Whoa. I hope it's not contagious,

'cause I really am looking forward to putting on a suit

and talking to a bunch of strangers.

That does sound like a pretty bad fake cough.

Should I call a fake ambulance

and have some fake doctors take a look at you?

You think I would fake being sick to get out

of going to your fundraiser?

I am so offended. I...

I don't think I can go to the fundraiser anymore.

You're cute. Are you done?

- Yeah, I'm done. - Okay.

The good news I was gonna tell you is you don't have to go.

Really?

Okay,

when you say I don't have to go,

do you mean I really don't have to go

or I don't have to go

but I should go,

unless I want to hear about this a month later

in some completely unrelated argument?

You know what? I'm going.

No, you really don't have to go. Marcy said she'd go with me.

Don't take my wife.

You should make Adam go.

What are you doing?

I'll tell you what I'm not doing:

eating a Cinnabon.

My God, every week with this guy.

Why don't you just go get one yourself?

He says it tastes better when I buy it.

Okay, but, seriously, babe, you are off the hook for the party.

Marcy will keep me company. And, plus, all my work friends

from the lab will be there. You know, Amy, Sarah, and Bob.

Oh. That sounds great. Uh, who was that last one?

I didn't catch her name.

Bob. He's a he.

We watch the same cooking shows.

Oh, and if I get behind on an episode,

he puts me in coffee jail.

And that means I can't have any coffee

until I catch up.

- Ooh. - Yeah.

Everyone at work thinks it's hilarious.

He sounds like a great guy.

Huh. Wow.

You have come a long way.

You know, there was a time that you would've been very jealous

that I had a male work friend.

Oh. No. Not anymore.

No, I left my jealous days behind

with my jean shorts and my mullet.

I am a modern man now.

Yep. That's right.

Don, you want to help me carry this out to my truck?

I don't know if you noticed,

but it doesn't really take two guys to carry this.

I don't like this Bob guy one bit.

First of all, his name's Bob.

It's the same backwards as it is forwards.

Y-You can't trust somebody like that.

You mean like Mom?

Exactly.

Who cares if some guy likes Andi's TV shows?

I do. 'Cause it's a move, man.

I used the same one on Andi when we were dating.

"You love Ally McBeal?

"I love Ally McBeal.

Let's take off our pants!"

I think if I tried that move on Marcy,

I'd just end up washing her pants.

Here's the problem,

Andi was home with the kids for a long time.

Now she's back at work. I mean,

you put that honey out there, bears are gonna show up.

I got an idea... just don't be jealous.

I can't help it. Yes, I am sophisticated

on the outside, okay?

But on the inside, I'm an animal, just like you.

- We're a couple of wild stallions. - Mm.

Okay, then be jealous

and just tell Andi you don't want her hanging out with that guy.

I can't do that either.

She hates when I get jealous.

Remember when we were dating and that guy in the bar

put his arm around her?

Yeah. You put him in the trash can.

Upside-down.

I'd seen that in cartoons but never real life.

I actually got the idea from a cartoon.

But she was so mad, she broke up with me.

So when we got back together,

I promised I was done being jealous.

I'm not done. I'm livin' a lie, Don.

Hey, honey, um, how do you feel

about a kale salad for dinner?

You know I love kale.

Huh? I am a modern man

who loves his kale.

Okay.

Now I got to choke down another bowl of rabbit food.

- What happened to you, man? - Look,

do me a favor, if you see me getting jealous,

you got to do something to stop me.

- Can I get physical? - Yes. Usual rules:

above the waist and... I can't believe I have to say this...

no biting.

A brother waits a lifetime for something like this.

Okay. Good. Yeah.

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Thanks for meeting me, Marcy.

I love visiting you at the hospital.

We haven't had lunch since you went back to work.

In the future, is it okay if I bring wine?

Well, you can't bring a bottle. But if you bring a thermos,

- whatever's in it's your business. - Oh.

So it's church rules.

Sure.

Hey, um, I wanted to run something by you.

- Hmm. - Um,

yesterday, I told Adam that I had a guy friend at work,

Bob, and he seemed fine with it.

What a jerk!

I know!

I mean, at first, I was... I was proud of him,

but then I started thinking, why is he so fine with it?

No, no. This is totally unacceptable.

You deserve a little jealousy, okay?

If I was your husband, Bob would be in a suitcase

at the bottom of a river.

Aw. That's sweet, Marcy.

I don't know. Maybe it's normal.

I mean, Adam and I have been married for 15 years.

And the other night, we... we made, um,

you know, a date to fool around, and we both fell asleep.

- Oh. - Yeah. That's the first time

that's ever happened.

It wasn't during, was it? 'Cause if Don mistimes

his blood pressure pill, I'm not crawling out

from under that until the morning.

No, it wasn't quite like that.

I don't know.

Maybe I should just talk to Adam about it.

And, what, get pity jealousy?

Is that what you want?

- Oh, you know what, I want the real thing. - Well, if you want

to mess with a man's head, you are having lunch

with the right person.

Okay, here's what you do:

you tell him that Bob is texting you.

That'll wake Adam up.

But Bob's my boss. He doesn't text me.

You know who doesn't know that? Adam.

Hey, Adam, I just got

the funniest text from Bob.

Damn.

Your texts are too much, Bob.

Aw, come on.

Hey, uh, careful you don't shock yourself,

there's a bare spot on that cord.

I touched it.

I was gonna fix it,

but I knew you were gonna do that.

Hold on, my heart stopped beating.

There it goes. Okay, we're back.

Yeah, hey, you didn't tell Marcy

what we talked about, did you?

About Andi and that guy at work?

Oh, don't tell me it's a secret.

I cannot keep a secret from Marcy.

She senses it,

like an old sailor senses a storm.

But you lie to her all the time.

And she catches me all the time.

Well, that's not true.

She still doesn't know about

our secret fishing boat up at the lake.

Both our wives are in the dark on that one.

Well, I was only able to keep that a secret

because I never paid for my half of the boat.

Not my boat, not my secret.

See how I did that?

Hmm, yeah, someone should study your brain.

Okay, just keep your mouth shut.

- Hey, babe, - Huh?

dinner's gonna be ready soon.

I'm sorry I'm laughing. I just...

I got the funniest text from Bob.

You know, i-it's actually weird that he's funny,

because, I mean, you wouldn't think that

someone that does triathlons

would have a sense of humor.

Wow, he runs, he bikes, he swims.

I hope the sharks don't get him.

You know, you should hear

his stories about trying to find bicycle pants

that are big enough to fit his muscular thighs...

I mean, they're hilarious.

And touching.

Okay...

Oh, what happened there?

You seem mad.

N-no. No, no. No, Don

accidentally shocked me...

too much.

Oh, okay, well,

I guess I'll just go finish dinner.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Pound that chicken flat.

Did you hear what she said?

Bob and his giant thighs are texting her now.

I'm starting to root for Bob,

he sounds like a winner.

I got no reaction out of Adam!

I mean, I did everything short of

telling him that Bob and I were slow dancing

in the cafeteria.

Well, maybe you just have to accept the fact

that things are different now.

Marcy,

I did not call you

to get a levelheaded and fair assessment

of the situation.

You're right, my bad.

Okay,

maybe I can get some intel

from Don, but in the meantime,

you-you got to kick it up a notch.

It's like with dogs,

okay? You can't just put the food out

and expect that they'll find it.

You got to shake the bowl.

Oh, I'm gonna shake my bowl.

Wait, am I the food

or the bowl?

Well, I'm not the dog, am I?

This guy Bob is definitely flirting with Andi now.

Well, are you flirting with her?

Yeah,

sometimes I walk around with my robe open.

That's not flirting, that's just sloppy.

You need to get back in the game.

Hey, text her a sexy picture.

Really?

Yeah, it's called sexting.

What do you know about sexting?

I like to dip my toe in popular culture.

Actually,

a picture's not a bad idea.

I think getting shocked by that cord

might have fired a neuron or two up in your attic.

Look, all you need to do is remind her

that she's got this slightly faded stud

waiting for her at home.

Well, if I'm faded,

then what the hell are you?

I do all right.

This is stupid; I feel ridiculous.

I could tell. I'm not feeling the sexy.

Okay, I'm gonna give you one smoldering look,

because I know that works for me.

And you're gonna take a picture on my phone,

and then we are never gonna speak of this again.

- You ready? - Yeah.

- Okay. Actually, that's not bad. - Oh.

Okay, I'm gonna send it.

And... oops.

- Who's Alicia? - What?

I accidentally sent it to someone named Alicia Rodriguez.

That's Emme's kindergarten teacher.

Her name is right next to Andi's on your phone.

These fat fingers, I'm telling you.

That picture's gonna go around the whole school.

I can fix it, I can fix it.

Hold on... Oops.

Oops, again?

I was texting to say sorry,

and it autocorrected to salami.

Give me that.

Okay, kids. Let's move it along.

We're wheels up in five minutes.

Sorry my shoes are so loud.

High heels.

You never wear high heels to work.

Well, I dressed up.

Why?

Well, it's the finale of the cooking show

that Bob and I watch,

so he's taking me out

for a, you know,

a special lunch to celebrate.

Just the two of us.

Got to love that Bob.

- Great. - Great.

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry, buddy.

Let me clean you up a little bit.

Okay, turn around.

Let's just go, uh, up.

So, um,

has Adam ever said anything to you

about Andi's friend, Bob?

Let me think.

Are you saying "Bob" or "Rob"?

- Bob. B-O-B. - Todd?

Are you trying to hide something from me?

No. And you're not gonna get the secret out of me.

I'm like a rock.

So there is a secret.

Okay, I see what I did there.

Okay. Spill it, Don.

Fine. You want the secret?

Adam's gonna kill me, but okay.

We have a secret fishing boat

we never told you about.

You want to know my secret?

I've known about that boat for six months.

Wow, no keeping anything from you.

So,

nothing about Bob?

Rod?

Don!

Well, I'm Don.

- Bye, Dad. - Bye, Dad.

- Bye, Dad. - Bye-bye, bye.

Have a good day. All right, bye.

Good morning, Burns.

Good morning, Mrs. Rodriguez.

I'm glad everyone enjoyed the motorcycle picture.

Yeah, we had a little caption contest.

Mine was, "Born to be wild-ly embarrassed."

Okay, that picture was supposed to be for my wife,

but mistakes were made.

Why are you taking pictures of yourself on a motorcycle?

Besides to delight me.

I'm not talking to you about it.

From now on, I'm not talking to anyone about it,

except Andi, which is what I should have done

in the first place.

So, I'm gonna go find her at work

and settle this whole thing.

All right, and I'm see how much it costs

to rent a billboard.

Okay, Bob, I finished processing these samples

and I'm gonna go grab a cup of coffee.

You want some?

Uh...

oxygen potassium.

- What? - From the periodic table.

They're "O" and "K."

Oh.

That's a good one,

- Bob. - Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, - Oxygen...

yeah, yeah, yeah.

You must be Bob.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

Yeah...

Yeah,

let's get a look at those muscular thighs.

Huh?

They're not so great. You want to see my thighs?

Uh, no.

Let's put our thighs against each other.

Thigh to thigh. Come on, Bob, let's do this.

Who are you?

I'm Andi's husband, now hold still.

No, you first.

Okay, listen, pal. I don't like you

watching TV shows with my wife.

Okay? I don't like you

having special lunches with her,

or making her wear high heels.

I think there's been a misunderstanding.

Oh, look at that, you're right next to a big trash can.

You ever watch cartoons?

Adam?

W-What are you doing here?

I'm just letting this guy know

it's not okay to text another man's wife.

I never texted her.

Oh, you just keep walking into problems, Bob.

Andi told me about the texts.

Right, Andi? Andi, I'm right, right?

Andi, am I right?

Okay, um...

...funny story.

Um...

I-I may have mentioned

that Bob was texting me...

...but that was a...

a slight exaggeration

in-in the sense that, um,

h-he never did anything like that, ever.

Where's the funny part to that story?

Oh, well, um, the funny part is,

he's my boss, Bob Thompson.

That is funny.

Well, that is funny.

And I hope that one day,

we'll can look back on this

and laugh.

I'll do whatever you want.

A-And I also hope that this little misunderstanding

won't cause a problem with Andi's job.

No, no, her... her job is safe.

Uh, we may tighten up our

"no spouses at work" policy.

Oh...

Andi, what are you doing to me?

Well, I...

I don't know.

Okay,

w-when I mentioned that I had a guy friend at work,

you didn't seem to care.

Didn't care?

Well, I cared a lot!

I was going crazy!

Well, why didn't you say something?

Because you hate it when I get jealous.

Well, I hated it when we were in our 20s

and guys were hitting on me all the time.

Guys were hitting on you all the time?

Who were these guys? Are they tall?

See,

that's what I was looking for.

What?

Well, a little jealousy is nice.

Wha... since when?

Apparently, the older I get, the more I'm gonna need.

Good...

'cause I am tired of pretending

to be someone I'm not.

I'm a jealous man.

And I'll tell you another thing:

I don't like kale.

I don't like kale, either.

Then why are we eating yard clippings?

Because we're supposed to like it.

Just like I'm supposed to get my confidence from the inside

and you're supposed to be so secure in our marriage

that you don't care who I'm friends with.

That sounds like

something they do in France!

This is America, damn it.

We are jealous, insecure, kale haters.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Oh, by the way,

I texted Mrs. Rodriguez a sexy photo of myself.

And, uh, the word "salami."

So, there might be some fallout from that.

But, uh, okay, here we go.

_

So, after all of this,

we have decided to be completely honest with each other.

- That's right, no more secrets. - Mm.

I like that, Don. We should do that, too.

Hey, I'm way ahead of you, baby.

That's why I told you about Adam's secret boat.

Don!

W-What boat?

You said there's no secrets.

I meant no new secrets.

Wait, you bought a boat without telling me?

Ooh, that's bad.

Oh, yeah?

Marcy, Don bought your engagement ring

from a mortician.

What?

Oh, that's worse!

Hey, the dearly departed didn't need it anymore.

It's not like they

cut it off her finger.

What's so funny?

Have you looked at your passenger side door lately?

No, why?

What happened there?

Don.

I bet that's payback for the mortician.

"Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Hey, I didn't get a single honk!

- I'm going back out there. - Oh...

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