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1
00:00:02,719 --> 00:00:05,038
Okay, so get this. The
kids brushed their teeth
2
00:00:05,063 --> 00:00:06,295
and went straight to bed.
3
00:00:06,297 --> 00:00:08,564
I think somebody replaced
'em with Pod People.
4
00:00:09,534 --> 00:00:10,907
I mean, I'm gonna miss 'em,
5
00:00:10,932 --> 00:00:12,765
but I am not complaining.
6
00:00:14,050 --> 00:00:16,071
You're welcome.
7
00:00:16,627 --> 00:00:18,263
Oh, you're taking credit for this?
8
00:00:18,288 --> 00:00:19,153
Yes, I am.
9
00:00:19,155 --> 00:00:20,588
Because after school today,
10
00:00:20,590 --> 00:00:22,089
your kids were out of control.
11
00:00:22,091 --> 00:00:24,205
Our living room was
like the first 15 minutes
12
00:00:24,230 --> 00:00:25,793
of Saving Private Ryan.
13
00:00:26,996 --> 00:00:29,597
Okay, so they're my kids
when they do something wrong?
14
00:00:29,599 --> 00:00:32,366
Yeah, or when they're in a school play.
15
00:00:32,368 --> 00:00:33,868
Yeah, three hours
16
00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:36,204
of watching Emme be a
tree in The Wizard of Oz.
17
00:00:36,206 --> 00:00:37,371
The witch said, "I'm melting."
18
00:00:37,373 --> 00:00:39,073
I was like, "Take me with you."
19
00:00:41,678 --> 00:00:44,612
That's like Club Med compared
to what I dealt with today.
20
00:00:44,614 --> 00:00:45,980
While I was on the phone with a client,
21
00:00:45,982 --> 00:00:48,516
the kids decided to have
a Nerf dart shootout.
22
00:00:48,518 --> 00:00:51,652
Katie nails me in the face, right?
23
00:00:51,654 --> 00:00:54,021
And I open my mouth
in surprise, as you do.
24
00:00:54,023 --> 00:00:56,657
Right? Teddy rolls by on his skateboard
25
00:00:56,659 --> 00:00:59,360
and shoots one down my throat.
26
00:01:00,196 --> 00:01:01,562
I coughed up the foam part,
27
00:01:01,564 --> 00:01:04,632
but the rubber tip is
still inside me somewhere.
28
00:01:04,634 --> 00:01:05,774
Oh, honey.
29
00:01:05,837 --> 00:01:07,137
Yeah, well, it won't happen again
30
00:01:07,139 --> 00:01:08,371
because I handled it.
31
00:01:08,373 --> 00:01:10,371
The way you kids behaved today
32
00:01:10,396 --> 00:01:12,705
was completely unacceptable, okay?
33
00:01:12,730 --> 00:01:14,730
So from now on, there will be no
34
00:01:14,732 --> 00:01:17,166
skateboards, no Nerf wars,
35
00:01:17,168 --> 00:01:20,206
no monkey business in the house.
36
00:01:20,231 --> 00:01:22,065
What's a monkey's business?
37
00:01:23,508 --> 00:01:25,107
It's an old person word for fun.
38
00:01:25,109 --> 00:01:26,642
He's trying to ban fun.
39
00:01:26,644 --> 00:01:29,378
That's exactly right, Katie.
40
00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:31,013
I'm banning fun.
41
00:01:31,876 --> 00:01:35,518
So until further notice, all of these...
42
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:37,353
will go in the off-limits cubby.
43
00:01:37,355 --> 00:01:38,893
No!
44
00:01:38,918 --> 00:01:41,056
All right, get in there.
45
00:01:45,630 --> 00:01:47,930
I really wish that had a door on it.
46
00:01:48,458 --> 00:01:50,399
God, I wonder why they were so wound up?
47
00:01:51,669 --> 00:01:53,066
Oh, you know what? It rained today
48
00:01:53,091 --> 00:01:54,336
so they didn't have recess.
49
00:01:54,338 --> 00:01:55,905
That always makes 'em a little crazy.
50
00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:58,908
They seemed fine after
school at the ice cream place.
51
00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:02,243
You took 'em for ice cream?
52
00:02:02,268 --> 00:02:04,380
Yeah, well, you know I like ice cream.
53
00:02:04,382 --> 00:02:06,749
And if I want to eat
it, I got buy them some.
54
00:02:08,551 --> 00:02:09,885
What difference does it make?
55
00:02:09,887 --> 00:02:12,054
I'm just trying to figure
out why they were so nuts.
56
00:02:12,079 --> 00:02:12,873
Well, it doesn't matter why.
57
00:02:12,898 --> 00:02:14,233
- I handled it.
- Okay,
58
00:02:14,258 --> 00:02:16,839
but you didn't take
everything into consideration.
59
00:02:16,864 --> 00:02:17,893
Look,
60
00:02:17,895 --> 00:02:18,961
different situations
61
00:02:18,963 --> 00:02:20,296
require different reactions.
62
00:02:20,298 --> 00:02:21,664
Like if it were me,
63
00:02:21,666 --> 00:02:22,998
I would have taken 'em to the park,
64
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,133
let 'em run it out.
65
00:02:24,135 --> 00:02:26,835
You know, like dogs.
66
00:02:30,074 --> 00:02:31,907
Nah.
67
00:02:31,909 --> 00:02:33,509
Yelling and taking stuff away,
68
00:02:33,511 --> 00:02:35,978
that's my move.
69
00:02:36,279 --> 00:02:37,745
Okay, but...
70
00:02:37,770 --> 00:02:38,914
now that you're home with the kids more,
71
00:02:38,916 --> 00:02:41,450
you might want to expand your playbook.
72
00:02:41,452 --> 00:02:42,751
I don't think so.
73
00:02:42,753 --> 00:02:43,919
I have one move.
74
00:02:43,921 --> 00:02:45,407
My dad had one move.
75
00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:47,699
My dad's dad had one move.
76
00:02:47,799 --> 00:02:49,365
And that one move
77
00:02:49,390 --> 00:02:50,990
won two world wars.
78
00:02:52,296 --> 00:02:54,196
Trust me, we didn't take the Germans
79
00:02:54,198 --> 00:02:55,998
to the park and let 'em run it out.
80
00:02:58,822 --> 00:03:01,916
I'm telling you, if you
put two round hot tubs
81
00:03:01,941 --> 00:03:03,482
at the end of a long pool,
82
00:03:03,507 --> 00:03:04,974
from the second story balcony,
83
00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,342
you're gonna get a very...
84
00:03:06,344 --> 00:03:09,578
masculine view.
85
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:10,746
If you know what I'm sayin'.
86
00:03:10,748 --> 00:03:13,282
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
87
00:03:13,498 --> 00:03:14,741
I will take care of it.
88
00:03:14,766 --> 00:03:15,718
All right, bye.
89
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,486
Gee.
90
00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:18,954
- Hey.
- Hey, how was your day?
91
00:03:18,956 --> 00:03:19,721
How were the kids?
92
00:03:19,746 --> 00:03:21,023
They were fantastic.
93
00:03:21,025 --> 00:03:22,958
Listen to the sound...
94
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,493
of silence.
95
00:03:25,829 --> 00:03:26,762
Huh?
96
00:03:26,764 --> 00:03:28,744
My one move... the perfect move...
97
00:03:28,769 --> 00:03:29,798
is still working.
98
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,500
In fact, it's so good, I named it:
99
00:03:31,502 --> 00:03:32,901
The Velvet Hammer.
100
00:03:34,829 --> 00:03:36,162
Um,
101
00:03:36,187 --> 00:03:37,987
isn't that the name of the gay bar
102
00:03:38,012 --> 00:03:40,145
by the ice cream shop?
103
00:03:41,316 --> 00:03:43,646
It doesn't matter where
the name came from.
104
00:03:45,263 --> 00:03:46,860
That's what I'm calling it.
105
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:48,314
Mm-kay, well,
106
00:03:48,339 --> 00:03:50,052
- good for you, honey.
- Mm-kay.
107
00:03:51,055 --> 00:03:52,388
What was that?
108
00:03:52,390 --> 00:03:53,922
I don't know, but it better not be fun.
109
00:03:55,000 --> 00:04:01,074
AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
110
00:04:03,029 --> 00:04:05,196
Something happened in here.
111
00:04:07,371 --> 00:04:09,838
It's quiet.
112
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,341
A little too quiet.
113
00:04:12,981 --> 00:04:15,344
And empty.
114
00:04:15,346 --> 00:04:17,079
A little too empty.
115
00:04:19,583 --> 00:04:20,549
And that rug
116
00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:21,850
is on the wall.
117
00:04:22,365 --> 00:04:24,139
A little too on the wall.
118
00:04:25,823 --> 00:04:27,589
Are you done, Columbo?
119
00:04:28,505 --> 00:04:30,759
It's so fun, though.
120
00:04:39,470 --> 00:04:42,905
Oh, my God, your kids
put a hole in the wall.
121
00:04:53,599 --> 00:04:55,141
Okay, I need to know
122
00:04:55,166 --> 00:04:56,266
who made the hole,
123
00:04:56,268 --> 00:04:57,562
how they made the hole,
124
00:04:57,587 --> 00:04:59,921
and why they tried to hide the hole.
125
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,673
What hole?
126
00:05:05,243 --> 00:05:06,843
The hole in the wall.
127
00:05:06,845 --> 00:05:09,479
You mean, like, the window?
128
00:05:09,481 --> 00:05:11,145
N-No, no.
129
00:05:11,170 --> 00:05:13,537
I mean like that.
130
00:05:13,718 --> 00:05:17,053
Whoa, where did that come from?
131
00:05:20,916 --> 00:05:23,383
You know, I-I think
that's always been there.
132
00:05:24,696 --> 00:05:27,063
Maybe we have a mouse.
133
00:05:28,366 --> 00:05:30,199
Um...
134
00:05:30,201 --> 00:05:31,567
can I see you in the kitchen?
135
00:05:31,569 --> 00:05:33,536
No! I'm getting to the bottom of this.
136
00:05:33,538 --> 00:05:35,104
Are you?
137
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,207
Okay, you three stay put.
138
00:05:40,679 --> 00:05:42,879
Will you get me a
Go-Gurt from the fridge?
139
00:05:48,787 --> 00:05:50,887
What fridge?
140
00:05:51,548 --> 00:05:52,519
See?
141
00:05:52,544 --> 00:05:54,911
Two can play at that game.
142
00:05:55,684 --> 00:05:57,217
What game?
143
00:06:06,237 --> 00:06:07,603
What is going on in there?
144
00:06:07,605 --> 00:06:10,073
Have they ever stonewalled
you like that before?
145
00:06:10,075 --> 00:06:11,307
Well, yeah, a few times,
146
00:06:11,309 --> 00:06:12,375
but I always had a move.
147
00:06:12,377 --> 00:06:13,343
What was it?
148
00:06:13,345 --> 00:06:14,844
"Wait until your father gets home."
149
00:06:15,330 --> 00:06:16,907
I'm already home.
150
00:06:17,093 --> 00:06:18,948
Yes, that's why we're in the kitchen.
151
00:06:21,302 --> 00:06:23,586
I can't believe they formed an alliance.
152
00:06:23,588 --> 00:06:25,621
Well... it's actually kind of sweet.
153
00:06:25,623 --> 00:06:27,890
I mean, I am always telling
them to stick together.
154
00:06:27,892 --> 00:06:30,026
Who knew it would backfire?
155
00:06:30,962 --> 00:06:32,862
Parenting's hard.
156
00:06:32,864 --> 00:06:34,931
Okay, okay, okay. Hold on.
157
00:06:34,933 --> 00:06:36,966
If they're sticking together,
we got to split 'em up, right?
158
00:06:36,968 --> 00:06:38,634
Yes.
159
00:06:38,636 --> 00:06:40,570
And make them understand
it's in their best interest
160
00:06:40,572 --> 00:06:42,004
to be on our team.
161
00:06:42,604 --> 00:06:45,641
So what are we gonna
use, threats or bribes?
162
00:06:45,643 --> 00:06:48,244
Uh, well, threats are free.
Let's start with those.
163
00:06:48,246 --> 00:06:49,479
Good.
164
00:06:49,848 --> 00:06:51,391
Oh, look,
165
00:06:51,416 --> 00:06:53,655
Katie's trophy from
when her volleyball team
166
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,451
- won regional's.
- Hmm.
167
00:06:55,453 --> 00:06:57,587
Our girl really does
love her volleyball,
168
00:06:57,589 --> 00:06:58,988
- doesn't she?
- Mmm.
169
00:06:58,990 --> 00:07:00,356
What are you guys doing?
170
00:07:01,987 --> 00:07:02,892
You, uh,
171
00:07:02,894 --> 00:07:05,628
you have a volleyball
camp coming up, don't you?
172
00:07:05,630 --> 00:07:06,662
Yeah.
173
00:07:06,664 --> 00:07:08,398
Boy, I'd hate for you to get grounded
174
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:12,502
and miss it, just because of
some stupid hole in the wall.
175
00:07:13,231 --> 00:07:15,378
I don't want to miss my camp.
176
00:07:15,403 --> 00:07:17,006
Here we go.
177
00:07:17,876 --> 00:07:18,941
I mean,
178
00:07:18,943 --> 00:07:21,344
if I don't go to camp,
179
00:07:21,346 --> 00:07:23,579
I'd feel bad for you guys.
180
00:07:26,484 --> 00:07:29,185
Um, what's that?
181
00:07:29,187 --> 00:07:31,087
That's the weekend Teddy
and Emme are supposed to
182
00:07:31,089 --> 00:07:32,355
stay at Grandma and Grandpa's.
183
00:07:32,357 --> 00:07:33,656
You guys are gonna have
184
00:07:33,658 --> 00:07:35,024
the whole house to yourself.
185
00:07:36,694 --> 00:07:38,161
Oh, well.
186
00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:44,400
Can I see you in the hall?
187
00:07:44,402 --> 00:07:45,802
Mm-hmm.
188
00:07:45,804 --> 00:07:47,203
We are getting our weekend alone.
189
00:07:47,205 --> 00:07:49,122
I don't care if they
burn the house down.
190
00:07:50,058 --> 00:07:51,724
And we never should
have started with Katie,
191
00:07:51,726 --> 00:07:53,133
that was a rookie mistake.
192
00:07:53,158 --> 00:07:54,039
You're right.
193
00:07:54,064 --> 00:07:55,361
She's too smart.
194
00:07:55,363 --> 00:07:57,363
We need to go to the dumb one.
195
00:07:57,365 --> 00:08:00,416
Hey, hey. I don't think
any of our kids are dumb.
196
00:08:01,654 --> 00:08:03,620
But I will follow you to Teddy's room.
197
00:08:05,190 --> 00:08:08,524
Boy, is this room crowded.
198
00:08:08,526 --> 00:08:10,092
You know,
199
00:08:10,094 --> 00:08:11,494
if you had Katie's room,
200
00:08:11,496 --> 00:08:14,981
you'd have space to
set up all your toys.
201
00:08:14,983 --> 00:08:17,300
But, you said Kate gets the bigger room
202
00:08:17,302 --> 00:08:18,584
because she's older.
203
00:08:18,586 --> 00:08:20,953
Ah, she's had her time.
204
00:08:22,157 --> 00:08:23,890
Tell us who made the hole,
205
00:08:23,892 --> 00:08:25,358
the room is yours.
206
00:08:26,126 --> 00:08:27,960
Kate said I shouldn't
answer any questions
207
00:08:27,962 --> 00:08:29,829
without representation.
208
00:08:31,550 --> 00:08:34,267
He's trying to lawyer up.
209
00:08:34,554 --> 00:08:37,870
Wait, where did you learn
the word "representation"?
210
00:08:37,872 --> 00:08:40,389
Kate wrote it on my hand.
211
00:08:42,227 --> 00:08:44,260
Are you gonna talk or not?
212
00:08:45,585 --> 00:08:47,163
No.
213
00:08:48,739 --> 00:08:51,234
- Can I see you in the hallway?
- Mm-hmm.
214
00:08:51,236 --> 00:08:53,603
That boy has learned more
in an hour with Katie,
215
00:08:53,605 --> 00:08:55,805
than he has in five years of school.
216
00:08:56,708 --> 00:08:57,940
What now?
217
00:08:57,942 --> 00:08:59,277
We've only got one kid left.
218
00:08:59,302 --> 00:09:00,860
I don't even know why we
stopped in the hall this time.
219
00:09:00,885 --> 00:09:02,178
Yeah.
220
00:09:02,563 --> 00:09:05,815
Let's talk a little bit
about Santa Claus. Hmm?
221
00:09:06,751 --> 00:09:08,484
He knows when you've been naughty
222
00:09:08,486 --> 00:09:09,752
and he knows when you've been nice.
223
00:09:09,754 --> 00:09:11,220
So, is there something
224
00:09:11,222 --> 00:09:12,221
you want to tell us right now?
225
00:09:12,223 --> 00:09:13,214
I mean...
226
00:09:13,239 --> 00:09:15,973
could really help you
out with the big guy.
227
00:09:18,653 --> 00:09:22,348
I'm comfortable with my
relationship with Santa.
228
00:09:27,476 --> 00:09:29,288
- Hall.
- Hall.
229
00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:36,632
Hey, do you guys want to
watch a movie in my room?
230
00:09:36,740 --> 00:09:38,192
Yeah, can I pick the movie?
231
00:09:38,217 --> 00:09:39,249
Of course.
232
00:09:39,251 --> 00:09:42,452
I just want to hang out with you guys.
233
00:09:45,424 --> 00:09:46,590
Unbelievable.
234
00:09:46,592 --> 00:09:47,991
Did you see how happy they are?
235
00:09:50,062 --> 00:09:51,428
Of course they're happy,
236
00:09:51,430 --> 00:09:53,130
they just kicked our ass.
237
00:09:54,117 --> 00:09:55,983
That was like a victory dinner for them.
238
00:09:57,093 --> 00:09:58,609
Okay, okay, we got to regroup.
239
00:09:58,721 --> 00:10:00,695
We tried bribery, we tried threats.
240
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:02,353
What's our next move?
241
00:10:02,424 --> 00:10:04,443
I don't know, maybe we
should just patch the hole,
242
00:10:04,468 --> 00:10:05,826
ground 'em all and move on.
243
00:10:06,226 --> 00:10:09,000
I mean, eventually, the
truth'll just slip out.
244
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,668
Like that Nerf dart you ate.
245
00:10:13,692 --> 00:10:16,580
We cannot live in a
world where holes are made
246
00:10:16,605 --> 00:10:17,838
and not explained.
247
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,340
We'll lose all credibility.
248
00:10:20,342 --> 00:10:22,102
I know, I'm sorry,
249
00:10:22,127 --> 00:10:24,169
it's just I'm so tired.
250
00:10:25,020 --> 00:10:25,963
Okay, all right.
251
00:10:25,965 --> 00:10:27,314
We got to think.
252
00:10:27,316 --> 00:10:28,498
Okay, um...
253
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:29,490
all right.
254
00:10:29,515 --> 00:10:30,898
What would happen if we pulled
255
00:10:30,936 --> 00:10:32,936
something like this when we were kids?
256
00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:35,806
Oh.
257
00:10:36,321 --> 00:10:38,258
It worked on me.
258
00:10:38,260 --> 00:10:40,377
Did it?
259
00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:43,949
No.
260
00:10:44,794 --> 00:10:46,557
Yeah, and we're nothing to be scared of.
261
00:10:46,582 --> 00:10:49,069
We're like mall cops.
262
00:10:50,830 --> 00:10:52,494
Remember how we used to laugh
263
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,578
when your brother
Don's kid would act up?
264
00:10:54,603 --> 00:10:56,643
That kid was always in trouble.
265
00:10:56,645 --> 00:10:59,746
Now? Delivering Porta-Potties.
266
00:10:59,748 --> 00:11:02,316
Hey, wait a minute.
267
00:11:02,318 --> 00:11:03,717
Maybe we can use that.
268
00:11:03,719 --> 00:11:04,985
You know,
269
00:11:04,987 --> 00:11:07,888
give our kids a little
glimpse into their future.
270
00:11:08,457 --> 00:11:10,390
Scare 'em straight.
271
00:11:10,392 --> 00:11:12,678
Ooh, I like it.
272
00:11:13,108 --> 00:11:14,013
Yeah.
273
00:11:14,038 --> 00:11:16,997
I mean, in the last day,
our kids have engaged in
274
00:11:16,999 --> 00:11:21,101
vandalism, conspiracy and racketeering.
275
00:11:22,490 --> 00:11:23,804
I don't really know what that is,
276
00:11:23,806 --> 00:11:25,739
but they make a hell of a racket.
277
00:11:28,164 --> 00:11:30,390
Okay, you guys know Uncle Don.
278
00:11:30,415 --> 00:11:33,216
What you don't know is
that he is also a father.
279
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:35,382
Yeah, we do, to cousin Mikey.
280
00:11:35,384 --> 00:11:37,217
Okay, I'm trying to set a mood here.
281
00:11:38,587 --> 00:11:40,854
After you hear what he
has to say about his kid,
282
00:11:40,856 --> 00:11:43,156
you'll be begging to
tell us who made the hole.
283
00:11:43,158 --> 00:11:44,274
Don,
284
00:11:44,299 --> 00:11:46,032
go ahead, scare 'em straight.
285
00:11:46,161 --> 00:11:47,494
Will do.
286
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,482
Mikey was just like you.
287
00:11:52,484 --> 00:11:53,868
Always making holes
288
00:11:53,893 --> 00:11:55,736
in walls and lying about it.
289
00:11:55,993 --> 00:11:57,698
Seemed like no big deal.
290
00:11:58,143 --> 00:12:00,324
But where is he now?
291
00:12:00,326 --> 00:12:01,958
Prison?
292
00:12:03,062 --> 00:12:07,531
No. A studio apartment in Poughkeepsie.
293
00:12:07,533 --> 00:12:08,320
- Oh.
- Ooh.
294
00:12:08,345 --> 00:12:11,385
- That's pretty cool.
- No, no, no. No, that's bad.
295
00:12:11,387 --> 00:12:13,000
A studio apartment is just one room.
296
00:12:13,025 --> 00:12:14,805
The kitchen is in the bedroom.
297
00:12:14,807 --> 00:12:16,206
- Oh, it's like...
- Oh, it's one of those things...
298
00:12:17,843 --> 00:12:20,210
Yeah, yeah, you know, it is
actually a sweet little place
299
00:12:20,212 --> 00:12:21,445
right next to the ballpark.
300
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:22,851
Mikey's a mascot
301
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,192
for the minor league baseball team.
302
00:12:24,217 --> 00:12:25,966
- Oh, no way.
- That's so cool.
303
00:12:25,968 --> 00:12:28,220
You said he was
delivering Porta-Potties.
304
00:12:28,245 --> 00:12:29,095
No, no, no.
305
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,253
This is a new thing.
306
00:12:30,509 --> 00:12:32,055
He really got his act together.
307
00:12:32,721 --> 00:12:34,068
I guess it just goes to show
308
00:12:34,093 --> 00:12:36,226
that it doesn't matter
what you do as a kid.
309
00:12:36,228 --> 00:12:39,496
Sometimes your dreams come true.
310
00:12:42,939 --> 00:12:44,326
- Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, Daddy.
311
00:12:44,351 --> 00:12:45,779
"Bye, Daddy."
312
00:12:45,804 --> 00:12:47,988
As if nothing happened.
313
00:12:47,990 --> 00:12:50,574
Kindergarteners can head
out to the playground.
314
00:12:50,576 --> 00:12:53,427
Okay, uh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
315
00:12:53,429 --> 00:12:56,279
Okay, it's just you and me, Butterbean.
316
00:12:56,281 --> 00:12:57,681
Nobody's listening.
317
00:12:57,683 --> 00:12:59,833
Why don't you tell
Daddy who made the hole.
318
00:12:59,835 --> 00:13:01,034
What hole?
319
00:13:05,841 --> 00:13:07,641
Get out of here.
320
00:13:08,444 --> 00:13:10,644
- Bye, Daddy.
- Yeah, bye.
321
00:13:11,964 --> 00:13:13,470
Oh. Hey, I'm glad you guys are here.
322
00:13:13,495 --> 00:13:14,765
I need to talk to you.
323
00:13:14,767 --> 00:13:16,032
Things no better at home?
324
00:13:16,034 --> 00:13:17,929
The kids are lying.
We know they're lying.
325
00:13:17,954 --> 00:13:20,487
They know we know they're lying.
326
00:13:20,489 --> 00:13:22,389
It's tough to control kids these days.
327
00:13:22,391 --> 00:13:23,858
Victor's in fourth grade,
328
00:13:23,883 --> 00:13:27,284
and I'm pretty sure he
took my car out last night.
329
00:13:27,309 --> 00:13:29,469
You know, a couple years
ago, my wife and I decided
330
00:13:29,494 --> 00:13:31,348
we were gonna stop
telling the girls "no,"
331
00:13:31,350 --> 00:13:32,716
because it's very negative.
332
00:13:32,718 --> 00:13:35,669
But then one of them
bought a boat on eBay.
333
00:13:36,688 --> 00:13:38,822
Now we say it all the time.
334
00:13:40,262 --> 00:13:41,686
Mr. Burns, come with me,
335
00:13:41,711 --> 00:13:43,193
and put on your listening ears.
336
00:13:43,195 --> 00:13:44,561
Okay, you don't have to talk to me
337
00:13:44,563 --> 00:13:45,879
- like I'm a kindergartener.
- Now.
338
00:13:45,904 --> 00:13:47,603
Yes, ma'am.
339
00:13:49,702 --> 00:13:52,203
I'm about to tell you something
I've never told anyone,
340
00:13:52,205 --> 00:13:53,637
Please don't.
341
00:13:55,224 --> 00:13:56,357
The issue you're up against
342
00:13:56,359 --> 00:13:57,525
with kids in today's world
343
00:13:57,527 --> 00:13:58,976
is that it's not a fair fight.
344
00:13:58,978 --> 00:14:01,787
Yeah. That's what I was
telling Andi last night.
345
00:14:01,812 --> 00:14:03,798
We can't use any of
the tools our parents
346
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,266
or teachers used on us.
347
00:14:05,268 --> 00:14:08,736
So the answer I came up with is this.
348
00:14:08,738 --> 00:14:10,271
See this marble jar?
349
00:14:10,273 --> 00:14:11,972
Every day the kids behave,
350
00:14:11,974 --> 00:14:13,441
I add a marble.
351
00:14:13,443 --> 00:14:15,476
When the jar is full, they get a party.
352
00:14:15,478 --> 00:14:17,361
But what they don't know is
353
00:14:17,363 --> 00:14:19,847
sometimes I do this.
354
00:14:26,556 --> 00:14:29,056
That makes me feel so damn good.
355
00:14:29,892 --> 00:14:31,158
I think maybe the kids stole
356
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:32,660
some of your marbles.
357
00:14:34,330 --> 00:14:37,932
My point is, Mr. Burns, is
don't be afraid to fight dirty.
358
00:14:37,934 --> 00:14:40,167
I see what you're getting at.
359
00:14:40,169 --> 00:14:42,636
- Yeah.
- Don't touch my marbles!
360
00:14:42,638 --> 00:14:44,538
I wo... I won't. I won't, no.
361
00:14:45,741 --> 00:14:47,208
So we're really gonna do this?
362
00:14:47,210 --> 00:14:49,343
Hey, Mrs. Rodriguez said to fight dirty.
363
00:14:49,345 --> 00:14:50,845
Well, this is definitely dirty
364
00:14:50,847 --> 00:14:53,514
because I feel both excited and ashamed.
365
00:14:55,291 --> 00:14:56,289
It's kind of like that time
366
00:14:56,314 --> 00:14:59,415
we did it on my parents' bed.
367
00:15:00,223 --> 00:15:03,390
Uh, different boyfriend.
368
00:15:06,529 --> 00:15:08,662
Whoops.
369
00:15:08,664 --> 00:15:10,364
Okay, we'll circle back to that later.
370
00:15:10,366 --> 00:15:11,398
You ready to do this?
371
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:12,700
No guts, no glory.
372
00:15:12,702 --> 00:15:13,734
Okay.
373
00:15:14,236 --> 00:15:15,636
Ladies and gentleman,
374
00:15:15,638 --> 00:15:18,806
this is your Halloween candy.
375
00:15:27,218 --> 00:15:29,452
Kate, what's happening?
376
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:31,813
I think he's gonna take it away.
377
00:15:31,838 --> 00:15:34,688
Oh, no, no, no. Much worse.
378
00:15:34,690 --> 00:15:37,691
I'm gonna take it away from two of you.
379
00:15:37,693 --> 00:15:39,226
Mom, you're letting him do this?
380
00:15:39,228 --> 00:15:41,395
Oh, absolutely.
381
00:15:41,397 --> 00:15:43,831
Whoever tells us about the hole
382
00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:44,999
gets it all.
383
00:15:45,001 --> 00:15:46,033
Every
384
00:15:46,035 --> 00:15:47,868
single
385
00:15:47,870 --> 00:15:50,671
- piece.
- Mm-hmm.
386
00:15:50,673 --> 00:15:54,575
Okay, so you three
have a decision to make.
387
00:15:54,577 --> 00:15:56,961
We'll give you a couple
minutes to decide.
388
00:16:02,985 --> 00:16:05,064
We got to be strong. They're bluffing.
389
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,789
I'm taking the deal.
390
00:16:08,207 --> 00:16:10,774
Teddy, man up!
391
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:14,181
That was incredible.
392
00:16:14,206 --> 00:16:16,072
Can you see 'em? How do they look?
393
00:16:16,215 --> 00:16:17,581
Oh, they're rattled.
394
00:16:18,105 --> 00:16:19,938
- I like our chances.
- Okay.
395
00:16:23,256 --> 00:16:26,557
Okay, now we come to the big question.
396
00:16:26,559 --> 00:16:28,954
Who wants the candy?
397
00:16:33,508 --> 00:16:34,932
Here we go.
398
00:16:39,805 --> 00:16:41,005
No deal.
399
00:16:43,409 --> 00:16:46,243
What?! Okay, okay,
400
00:16:46,245 --> 00:16:48,646
no one's leaving unless
someone confesses.
401
00:16:48,648 --> 00:16:50,281
I don't even care if they're lying now.
402
00:16:51,117 --> 00:16:52,750
What are we doing?
403
00:16:52,752 --> 00:16:55,553
I mean, we are tearing
this family apart.
404
00:16:55,555 --> 00:16:59,623
And why? Just because of-of
some tiny hole in the wall?
405
00:16:59,625 --> 00:17:00,858
I mean,
406
00:17:00,860 --> 00:17:02,857
I just... I can't do this anymore.
407
00:17:02,882 --> 00:17:04,589
All we ever do is fight.
408
00:17:04,614 --> 00:17:06,981
And it's all my fault.
409
00:17:09,006 --> 00:17:10,356
Okay, honey, what's happening?
410
00:17:14,523 --> 00:17:17,992
Mom, don't cry.
411
00:17:18,861 --> 00:17:20,561
It's my fault.
412
00:17:20,563 --> 00:17:21,795
I made the hole.
413
00:17:26,490 --> 00:17:28,135
- It's my fault, too.
- Wh...?
414
00:17:28,137 --> 00:17:30,704
I took the skateboard out of the
cubby and dared him to ride it.
415
00:17:32,074 --> 00:17:34,208
Come on, Mom, please stop crying.
416
00:17:34,210 --> 00:17:36,410
And that's how you do that.
417
00:17:39,716 --> 00:17:41,082
What?
418
00:17:41,107 --> 00:17:42,940
Wow.
419
00:17:43,691 --> 00:17:45,753
Wait, you were faking? No fair!
420
00:17:45,755 --> 00:17:47,288
You left me no choice.
421
00:17:48,037 --> 00:17:49,023
They're all yours.
422
00:17:51,274 --> 00:17:53,814
Y-Yeah, yeah. Uh, Katie, Teddy,
423
00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:56,196
you are grounded, uh, for two weeks.
424
00:17:56,198 --> 00:17:58,198
No phones, no computers.
425
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,669
Emme, you're cute.
426
00:18:01,671 --> 00:18:04,838
Grab a lollipop and go play.
427
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,448
Well, that was a fun game.
428
00:18:06,473 --> 00:18:08,262
Yeah.
429
00:18:09,387 --> 00:18:10,778
Where did that come from?
430
00:18:10,780 --> 00:18:13,330
Eh, well, when all
else fails, Mama cries.
431
00:18:13,897 --> 00:18:16,700
Well, you scared me. I
almost said I made the hole.
432
00:18:19,356 --> 00:18:21,273
Well, when I saw the
candy thing going south,
433
00:18:21,298 --> 00:18:22,878
I knew I had to pull out the big guns.
434
00:18:22,903 --> 00:18:25,667
Yeah, but now you told 'em.
So we can never use it again.
435
00:18:25,692 --> 00:18:28,267
No, no, no, not true. It always works.
436
00:18:28,292 --> 00:18:30,297
Because what if I'm really crying?
437
00:18:30,299 --> 00:18:33,400
Yeah...
438
00:18:34,187 --> 00:18:36,770
Those dopes'll fall for it every time.
439
00:18:38,919 --> 00:18:41,442
Wait, have you ever used that on me?
440
00:18:42,719 --> 00:18:44,345
No.
441
00:18:46,134 --> 00:18:47,788
Hold on, hold on.
442
00:18:47,813 --> 00:18:50,531
That time you cried to get
me to go see the Dixie Chicks,
443
00:18:50,788 --> 00:18:52,386
fake or real?
444
00:18:53,556 --> 00:18:55,199
Super fake.
445
00:18:55,397 --> 00:18:58,892
Uh, hot air balloon ride
to see the fall foliage?
446
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:00,794
Fake-a-rooney.
447
00:19:03,525 --> 00:19:06,414
Four days at the bed-and-breakfast
448
00:19:06,439 --> 00:19:09,536
with no TV when the Penguins
were in the play-offs?
449
00:19:09,538 --> 00:19:12,406
Oh, no, no, no, babe, that was real.
450
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,789
Good.
451
00:19:14,814 --> 00:19:15,941
Okay.
452
00:19:28,942 --> 00:19:31,115
- Hey.
- Hey, hon. Oh, remember,
453
00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:32,533
you need to get your suit dry-cleaned
454
00:19:32,558 --> 00:19:34,208
for my high school reunion this weekend.
455
00:19:34,933 --> 00:19:35,876
Oh.
456
00:19:35,878 --> 00:19:37,344
That's this weekend?
457
00:19:38,683 --> 00:19:40,807
Ooh, I don't think I can make it. I...
458
00:19:40,832 --> 00:19:42,766
Honey, you said you'd go with me.
459
00:19:43,019 --> 00:19:45,414
Yeah, but that was before you
told me about you and that guy
460
00:19:45,439 --> 00:19:47,873
in your parents' bed.
461
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:51,547
I mean,
462
00:19:51,572 --> 00:19:54,428
if I have to walk in there...
463
00:19:56,965 --> 00:19:58,836
and meet that guy...
464
00:20:00,436 --> 00:20:03,437
He could fall in love
with you all over again.
465
00:20:17,432 --> 00:20:21,622
You... bringing up that guy
really hurts my feelings, Adam.
466
00:20:21,624 --> 00:20:23,824
I mean...
467
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,593
that was a long time ago, you know?
468
00:20:25,595 --> 00:20:28,362
I mean, way before I met you.
469
00:20:29,015 --> 00:20:30,831
I mean, it's not like you didn't
have other girlfriends, too,
470
00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:31,945
- you know?
- Oh, oh, oh,
471
00:20:31,970 --> 00:20:34,445
oh, I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
472
00:20:34,470 --> 00:20:38,405
I didn't mean... oh-oh,
of course I'll go.
473
00:20:38,407 --> 00:20:39,400
Told you it'd work again.
474
00:20:39,425 --> 00:20:40,491
Aw!
475
00:20:45,093 --> 00:20:50,093
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476
00:20:51,305 --> 00:20:57,396
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