Original subtitles

Picked another winner, gang. Huh? Look at this guy.

I named him Jerome, 'cause he's got thighs

like Jerome Bettis.

You ever seen a Thanksgiving bird like this?

Yeah. We saw that exact one at the turkey farm.

Except he had feathers and his head was still attached.

Please, tell me you didn't actually

let them see the turkeys get killed.

- Well... They got to pet them first. - Oh, my God...

Wait, that's not the same turkey I fed, is it?

No!

No. No, no, no.

They set that one free.

This was the mean one.

No, it isn't. It's the exact same one.

It was the mean one, Katie.

Well, he's gonna be delicious.

Can you say a prayer for Jerome?

Uh...

Sure, Butter Bean.

Yeah, uh, let's see, uh...

Jerome...

You had a good life.

And though you were very mean

and not the turkey that Teddy fed,

we promise your death won't be in vain.

We will not fill up on bread, amen.

Amen.

All right, good.

Hey. Why are you guys here?

Principal's office.

My kid's pet snake

got out of his backpack.

And I'm standing here because I'm frozen with fear.

What? Just because that little snake on the floor behind you?

I hated that, but I loved the camaraderie.

Okay. All right, I got to bring Emme her lunch.

Why didn't you have Andi bring it?

- Well, she's at work. - No, she's not.

She's in there with Mrs. Rodriguez.

What?

Hey.

Adam. What are you doing here?

Well, Emme forgot her lunch, uh...

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same question.

You just did, and I answered it.

What... what's going on?

Oh, nothing. I was just on my lunch break,

I thought I'd, uh, pop in.

Okay, you're biting your lower lip,

which means you've done something horrible.

What'd you do?

Was it something at home?

Did you throw out my antlers?

- No! - Singing fish?

Mr. Burns, Andi came by to discuss

the school's Thanksgiving party next week.

As the room parent, I assume

you've been reading all the e-mails I sent you?

Let's not play this game. You know I haven't.

As I explained, we will need

an entire Thanksgiving dinner for 30 people.

Full spread, by Wednesday.

Well, I think I can speak for all parents when I say

that sounds like a bummer.

Which is why, even though you're room parent,

I think Andi should handle organizing it.

Those are the sweetest words I've ever heard.

Now I know what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving.

Well, good! I'm glad you're happy.

Oh, very thoughtful of you, Mrs. Rodriguez.

Wasn't my idea.

Andi called me, concerned you'd need help.

Whoa. Go... hold on a second, you called her?

- No. - Yes.

Just tell me the truth.

Fine.

Adam, I threw out your singing fish.

Hold on, hold on.

You schemed and plotted with...

don't take this the wrong way...

my archenemy?

Because you don't think I'm capable of...

cooking a meal?

Look, I don't care

if she thinks I can't do it.

I care if you think it.

Does it help if we both think it?

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Hi. Hi, Jerome.

Oh, you don't get

to talk to him.

What is your problem? Why are you so upset?

Because we're supposed to be a team.

I'm Batman and you're Robin.

And I just walked into the Batcave and caught you

planning a Thanksgiving party with the Joker!

Okay, first of all, I am not Robin,

I am Mrs. Batman.

There is no Mrs. Batman.

Have you seen the Batcave?

Only a woman could've put that together.

Look, this Thanksgiving party is just too much work.

I mean, when I did it in the past, it took weeks of planning.

And... and you haven't even read her e-mails.

Well, neither have you.

Well, yeah, I did.

She blind CC'd me on everything.

I can't believe she did that.

What is that?

It means she puts me on all the e-mails

and just hides my address.

Now, why would she do that?

Well, because, I...

She... somebody asked her to do it, I...

I haven't even screwed anything up yet,

and you're already sticking your nose in.

You know what I think?

I think you're the one with the problem. Not me.

Oh, that is so ridiculous, I can't even laugh.

Oh, no. Wait. Yes, I can.

You're so off.

This isn't about me. This is about your need

to be in control. That's the point.

No, no, no. The point is that you're completely overreacting

because your pride is wounded.

See? You're even controlling what I think the point is.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna do this thing without your help.

- Well, you can't do it all yourself. - I won't be.

I'll send out an e-mail, and I'll blind CC myself,

and I'll tell all the other parents to bring something.

So, you just stay out of it.

Okay. Fine.

Thank you. Now, if you'll please leave,

all this conflict is not good for Jerome.

When I pull off this Thanksgiving party,

Andi's gonna know who wears the cape in this family.

Cape? What are you guys doing over there?

I say just let Andi do it.

No. No. I said I was gonna do this job,

and I'm gonna do it as well as I can.

I have this crazy thing called pride.

You're looking at this school Thanksgiving thing all wrong.

You hate being room parent, right?

Yeah, so?

Then my advice is, you totally blow it.

Once you screw something up, no one asks you to do it again.

I only had to be a pallbearer that one time.

Yeah. You know, you should be careful,

'cause some of those relatives

are gonna have to carry you one day.

Nope. Blasting my ashes right up into space.

I'm just saying, it just sounds like a lot of work.

Not if you have a crew. I got the drywall guys making me

paper hand turkeys.

Hey, Kowalski. You call that a hand turkey?

Kowalski's only got three fingers.

Sorry, buddy. Thumbs-up.

No thumb.

Okay.

Turkey place cards, check.

Tablecloth, check.

Decorations, check.

Redemption? A-check.

Yeah. Real impressive.

But this is the sound of people not asking you

to do stuff anymore.

Hear that?

Those are freedom bubbles.

Hello, pilgrims.

I couldn't wait

for the school Thanksgiving tomorrow.

I had to bring you my side dish tonight.

Oh, you're a good man, Lowell.

Not sure how you got my address, but we'll talk about that later.

What do you got? Mashed potatoes, green beans?

Better. Foie gras

Brussels sprouts in a pomegranate glaze

with juniper berries, thyme leaves, and farro.

I love this guy.

He's always swinging for the fences.

Well, we can use it to scare the kids

into eating the other vegetables.

- Hey, Andi. - Oh, hey, Lowell.

That is...

what is that?

Oh, no, no, don't make him say it again.

Oh, um, Don, uh,

we're headed over your house

to help Marcy make all the sides

- for the family Thanksgiving. - Oh, good.

I felt bad leaving her to do it all by herself.

What smells?

It's this guy.

Teddy, don't be rude.

Remember the rule that we learned at Grandma's house?

When something smells, we don't talk about it.

All right?

Come on, wait for me in the car.

Your children are lovely.

So, uh...

how's it going down here?

Great, yeah,

the dishes have started rolling in,

my crew made me 30

fun and festive turkey place cards.

So, you don't need me.

Nope. I could just...

leave you here to do it all yourself.

- Yup. - Okay, well,

great 'cause...

you know, I'm never happier

than when you can handle it all on your own and...

I can just stay out of it.

Doesn't sound like it.

Bye-bye.

Oh, wait, um, real quick,

um, some of the kids are allergic to nuts, okay?

So, don't bring any pecan pies.

Oh, and there's always one kid who picks up

a gourd and pretends it...

Sorry.

Felt like you couldn't

pull the trigger on that one.

Then Adam actually had the nerve

to accuse me of always having to be in control.

But that's true, right?

Yes, that's why I'm so upset.

Look, I know it's hard,

but you just have to back off.

I mean,

would you do everything better and smarter?

Of course, you're a woman.

We're better and smarter.

Maybe that's why we live longer, you know?

So at the end, we can have just a few years

- of things being right. - Mm.

Everything's gonna be

so clean then.

I just wish I knew

what was happening over there, you know?

I mean,

how bad would it be

if I checked his e-mails from the other parents?

I mean, just to make sure that he's in good shape.

Oh, I say go for it.

I check Don's e-mails more than he does.

Oh.

Okay, Jerome, sleep tight, buddy.

I'm not a turkey guy.

I grew up on a farm

and I won't eat anything

that beat me in a fight.

Okay.

Oh, you coming back in? Okay.

All right, time to check and see

what the other parents are bringing.

Ooh, you have 20 unread e-mails.

You must feel like a celebrity.

Yeah, the other parents were blowing me off,

so I had to hit them

with a sharply worded reminder last night.

Your life's brutal.

Okay, we're off to a good start.

Marie says she's bringing the turkey.

Uh... someone's bringing napkins.

That's good.

Uh... someone else is bringing napkins.

Plenty of those.

More napkins.

Napkins...

napkins.

Lowell, I got a serious problem here.

Everyone's bringing napkins.

Not everyone.

Lily's dad is bringing paper towels.

That's just napkins on a stick.

On the bright side,

this is going to make my dish

the star of the party.

Napkins.

The other parents are just bringing napkins.

You know what, that does it.

Marcy, get out more potatoes.

We got to cook enough sides for 30 kids.

I thought you were staying out of it.

Well, I can't just do nothing.

It's like watching a turtle try to cross the highway.

He's never gonna make it.

In that case, somebody better bring a shovel.

None of the other parents are picking up the phone.

I got no side dishes!

That people will eat.

Congratulations.

For what?

For blowing the school Thanksgiving.

They won't ask you to do anything ever again.

Maybe it's time to call Andi.

No. No, I'm not calling Andi.

If I do, it'll upset the whole balance of power.

I'll be... I'll be Robin.

So what?

You still get to go on the adventures.

You just won't have to make any of the decisions.

That's how it is in my marriage.

Come on in, the water's fine.

You know what, I think I could still

pull this off without her.

I got my place cards.

Marie's bringing the turkey.

I got your hoity-toity prison food casserole.

All I need is the other stuff.

Other stuff meaning

enough food for 30 people?

Yeah, it could be done, right?

Let's see.

Side dishes, potatoes,

gravy, stuffing, pies...

If the three of us...

The two of you.

... pull together, we can do anything.

I'm here for you until the end.

Oh.

Oop, I got to go.

What? What's wrong?

My wife texted.

We're trying to have another baby

and she's ovulating.

She's already ankles up

in the swing chair, waiting for me.

That guy continues to surprise me.

Well, there goes any chance of us actually cooking this dinner.

Okay, we need

a plan “B.”

We just go out and buy it?

Yes!

Now you're thinking.

Hey, I'm always thinking, little brother.

Who went to six months of community college?

Okay. Okay, here's a place

that's open 24 hours,

and, uh... yes!

They cater Thanksgiving.

Okay, $28.50 a head times 30 people, that's... uh...

Well, you got to simplify.

Three times three is nine. We know that.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

$28.50, so, you, uh...

subtract $1.50 from 30 and, uh...

I got this, I got this.

Okay, you take the five

from the zero and that's, uh...

... $28.50.

That's where we started!

All right, let's try this again.

All right, three times three is nine.

That's locked in.

Oh, forget it, it's almost a thousand dollars.

Wait a minute, I think I got this.

We need Thanksgiving side dishes, right?

Yeah.

That's exactly what our wives

are making right now.

We need that food.

But, if we're using their food,

isn't that like using Andi's help?

Yeah, but not if she doesn't know about it.

Oh...

Nope, still don't get it.

Hey, uh, Dad just texted me.

He wants to know if you're finished cooking

and if the coast is clear in the kitchen?

Oh, here's another one.

“Don't tell your mom I asked.”

Why would he care if we're in the kitchen?

Oh, my God. They're coming for the food.

- Hmm. - They're not even gonna ask us,

they're just gonna take it.

This sounds like a Don idea.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, though. They don't know

we made all this extra food for the school.

That means they're willing to run off

with our family Thanksgiving.

It's like the idiot's version of Ocean's Eleven.

You know what, sweetie? I'm glad you're here to see this

because no matter how good they look in a tuxedo,

this is where it ends up.

How did you get in here?

The door.

You got no style.

Oh, look at this.

The mother lode.

Stuffing, mashed potatoes,

cranberry salad,

deviled eggs.

Huh?

Hang on.

She made all these deviled eggs

for our little family Thanksgiving?

Mmm. This stuffing is righteous.

- Mmm. - Will you put that down!

They're not even trying to be quiet.

Who stops in the middle of this to eat?

That would be Don.

Last summer, at the state fair,

he lost a game of tic-tac-toe

to a chicken.

Something's not right.

There's too much of everything.

Don, check the cranberry salad.

Does it look like it's for a family

or 30 kindergarteners?

It's hard to tell,

there's 30 individual cups.

Unbelievable.

Andi made all of this for me.

I knew she couldn't keep her nose out of it.

I'll bet you

they're watching us right now.

Aha!

No, no, no, no, no. Aha!

You said you were gonna stay out of it.

You said you were gonna handle it.

- This is me handling it. - Oh, yeah?

By stealing from me?

Why can't you just admit that you need my help?

Why can't you just admit that you need me

to need your help?

Fine, yes. I do!

Aha! For real, this time.

Okay.

Aha!

Whoa...

Look, I admit that tonight, when I found out

that everybody was bringing napkins,

I-I was a little happy.

And there it is.

But only because...

I like it when you need me. I need it.

It's why I married someone so...

Hey, step careful here.

Perfectly imperfect.

I'll take it.

I mean, when I went back to work

and you took over all the kid stuff,

I thought...

I don't know, I'd have to be

jumping in to save the day,

but you've been just fine.

It just...

it made me feel like I'm not necessary.

Oh,

you make it so hard to fight you now!

Come here.

I need you.

You're just not supposed to know it.

Boo! We came for a fight.

Don't worry, Don. You'll get one.

Boo...

Let's get all this food and get out of here.

Okay.

Wait, how did you know everyone was bringing napkins?

Aw, honey, we already hugged. No more questions.

Okay, thanks, guys. Head upstairs.

And don't forget to brush your teeth.

They're not gonna brush their teeth.

Well, you said it. That's all that matters in court.

Hey, look, thanks for helping.

I couldn't have done all this without you.

Well, this is why our marriage works.

I need you, you need me.

And together, we make one whole needy person.

And now, we are gonna crush this Thanksgiving party

the same way we crush marriage and parenting.

Yep. Half-assed and just in the nick of time.

Oh.

- Hey, Marie. - Hi.

Sorry to come by so late,

I won't be at school tomorrow, so

I figured I'd drop this off now.

Good old Marie.

Bringing the turkey,

the last piece of the puzzle.

Let's take a look.

That's not a turkey.

That's chicken wings in the shape of a turkey.

Yeah. I totally forgot about making the turkey

till I was sitting at Hooters.

Huh. I didn't know women went to Hooters.

'Cause, you know, we already have 'em.

Nah, it's great. Guys always go there thinking they're gonna

take home a waitress, but...

when last call rolls around, it's my turn to be picky.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I...

I can't serve chicken wings at Thanksgiving.

Well, what choice do we have?

We don't have another turkey.

Well, there is Jerome.

Oh. No, honey, I can't let you do that.

You love that salty bastard.

You're right. I do.

Besides, the last thing you rubbed that much, you married.

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, you did.

Well, honey, looks like we pulled it off.

Yeah, this is delicious.

- And sorry I forgot the napkins. - Uh.

That's okay. About 15 other people had your back.

You know, you don't usually

think of Hooters chicken wings for Thanksgiving,

but I got to say, I like it.

Yeah. Wait. How do you know they're Hooters wings?

I worked my way through college.

Wow. I did not see that coming.

I mean, I did... but I didn't.

Lowell,

I never thought I'd say this, but...

hit me with some more of that casserole.

- You want seconds? - Yeah, once you get used to the smell,

it works. it works.

I've never felt taller.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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