Original subtitles

THE UNSPEAKABLE ACT

In the spring of 2011,

at the age of 18,

my brother Matthew got his first real girlfriend.

I had somehow thought that he and I had an unspoken agreement

that we belonged to each other.

Which was really pretty stupid of me.

- What do you need me to do? - We're in good shape, I think.

- Aren't we, Jeanne? - We're fine. - Oh, God.

I can't believe I'm actually expected to cook dinner for this girl.

- Do you want to eat out? On me! Anywhere in town! - What do you need?

Just tell me what you want me to do.

Let me think...

Do these need to be peeled?

- Yes, peeled and diced. - Okay.

Yolanda, Mama. Mama, Yolanda.

- It's lovely to meet you. - Thank you for having me.

- Hi, I'm Jeanne. - Hey. Yolanda.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you.

Hi! I've heard so much about you! - So have I.

- Do you know Shirley Chiang? - Yes! She's one of my best friends!

- How do you know her? - We went to Cunningham together,

before she moved. I love her so much!

And we kept in touch all these years,

all because she's so good at keeping up with her friends.

Oh, she's wonderful about those things! I can't believe you know her!

- Yolanda, can I get you something to drink? - Oh, no thanks, I'm fine.

- Would you like a tour of the house? - Yeah, I would, thanks!

- So Shirley said that you work on the school paper. - Yeah, we both do, actually.

Next year we're going to be co-editors together.

- Everything's delicious. - Yeah, this is excellent.

- It's really good. - This sauce is amazing.

- Jeanne made that. - Oh, did you? It's great.

- Thanks. Yeah, it came out okay. - Could you excuse me for a second?

- Did you use oregano in it? - Mm-hmm.

My brother is the cook in our family.

I don't know where he gets it from. Certainly not my mom. She cooks as little as possible.

Really? Did she cook for you when you were growing up?

Actually, my dad cooked more when we were growing up.

My mom says women were expected to cook

when she was growing up, and she didn't want that kind of life.

Well, of course that's true,

but...when there's a family, someone has to put food on the table.

Oh, no, I completely agree, but my mom... she's got a mind of her own.

I mean, I love her, but she lives her life the way she wants to live it.

- Are you coming upstairs? - Okay. Give me a minute.

Yolanda's really nice.

Yeah, she's great.

I think I'm having some kind of breakdown.

I can't keep anything down. And half the time I don't even want to eat.

And last night I woke up at two, and I couldn't get to sleep the rest of the night.

Do I look okay? Are there bags under my eyes?

No, you look fine.

Look.

- Did you sleep with her yet? - No.

Will you tell me if you do?

Do you want to hear it?

Yes.

You have to tell me. Even if I freak out, you have to tell me everything.

I won't be able to stand it if we stop doing that.

Do you promise?

Okay.

- Does that make everything okay? - No. Everything is terrible.

Do you really like her better than me?

I don't like anybody better than you. But I barely know this girl.

I want to give it a chance. I want to have sexual relationships.

Yeah, I know. You want to grow up and you want to have mature, adult relationships,

not immature, stunted ones like ours.

Okay, well, I guess I'm going to bed.

You didn't quite make it.

Don't make fun of me. You're starting to make fun of me all the time, and I don't like it.

I'm really upset, you know.

I don't want to...

I don't want to leave this room, and I don't want to go back in,

and I can't just stand here for the rest of my life!

Drama queen.

I'm going to get something to eat. You want to come?

No. I can't eat now.

What am I going to do?

Go,

go get something to eat. I'll be alright.

All right.

Are you writing anything about Yolanda?

Did you like her? You two seemed to get along well.

She's really nice.

Mama, I don't want him to have a girlfriend.

Yes you do.

You know you do.

Don't talk like that.

No, I really don't.

One of the funny things about being in love with your brother

is that you can say almost anything you want about him, to anyone you want.

Because no one wants to go there.

People will bend over backwards to put the blandest possible interpretation

on whatever you say.

I'm not hungry.

- Hey. - Hello, dear. - Hi.

Matthew did tell me when he finally slept with Yolanda.

It was a horrible thing to hear.

But we always tell each other everything.

I've never slept with anyone.

Some of my friends have.

But I think I have a little longer before I start to feel like a reject.

Long ago, Mama told me a girl like me

would attract more boys in college than in high school.

What I would like to try, actually,

is the unmentionable act.

The "I" word.

But that concept doesn't go over so well with Matthew.

It's not that I'm pretty or anything, but I think I could lure some guy if I tried.

I have no experience, but I just think I could do it.

It's not high on my priority list right now.

It's always easy to get the things you don't care about.

Mama is an extremely good writer.

The only thing she writes is her journal, and letters.

But her language is amazing, so strong and clear.

I wish she would try to get something published.

But she has no ambition for that.

Mama writes long letters almost every day to my older brother Will.

He's studying in Paris.

After he gets his degree there, he'll go back to Berkeley.

Mama misses him so badly.

It's really hard for her, his being away.

Will is great, but I don't miss him like Mama does.

He changes the mood of the house when he's around.

Everything revolves around him.

Not that he's bossy or anything, but he's just got a strong personality.

When he's gone, we all loosen up, go our separate ways.

I actually like it better like that.

Matthew and Will are really tight.

They talk all the time.

As long as I can remember,

Jeanne wanted to grow up as fast as she could and become an adult.

You could tell that she didn't like being a child.

She goes to community college.

She spends a lot of time with her boyfriend Charles.

Who seems like a nice guy, but we don't see that much of him.

One of these days, I expect that Jeanne will leave home and not look back.

Our father died a few years after I was born.

He was already separated from Mama then.

Will remembers him, but none of the rest of us do.

We all think that maybe his death was drug-related.

Mama was addicted to drugs long ago.

It was probably around the same time.

We share everything in our family, we're impossibly close,

but there are things in the past that we don't know that much about.

They've been mentioned, they've been explained, we can ask about them if we want,

but afterwards, we realize that the important questions

somehow never get answered.

I can't get him off the phone. He's having a serious conversation with the girlfriend.

Is it an argument?

I'll try to get him.

I'm not asking for that.

I'm not asking for anything.

I wish there was something reasonable I could ask for.

Well,

I guess

that

covers it.

I know.

No, I don't want that.

I told you that I never said that. I didn't say it and I don't think it.

Honestly.

No, I like that about you. I wish I were more like that.

Yeah.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

Have you heard? Yolanda-Matt breakup?

No where did you hear?

Matthew not Matt

Helena's sis works with Y

OK Matthew

Nobody calls him Matt

Sorry

- Hi. - Hello, dear.

Did you find what you needed at the library?

Kind of. I'm just going to start writing and see what happens.

Did you know Matthew and Yolanda broke up?

Matthew told me.

When?

Last night.

- I gather from him that they weren't terribly compatible. - What do you mean?

He said that he wasn't comfortable with some of her behavior.

Really?

Yolanda is much more socially outgoing,

that's plain to see.

It was a problem for Matthew.

Did she make him jealous?

I don't know.

Yolanda seems like a perfectly nice, sweet girl.

I'm sure she didn't do anything so awful.

Matthew...

can be a bit old-fashioned when it comes to girls.

A little conservative, perhaps?

I think Matthew will be happier with a quieter girl, someone a bit more like himself.

Hi.

So, were you planning on telling me that you broke up?

- You found out already? - Everyone in town knows except me.

I haven't even seen you since it happened. You have good sources.

You talked to Mama about it.

Are you sad?

A little bit sad, and a little bit relieved.

- Was she cruel to you? - No, she wasn't cruel.

My theory is she didn't really want to be in a relationship.

Her theory is different.

You'll get another girlfriend.

I hope so.

She's an interesting person. I think you and she would get along.

I never want to see her again.

I got tickets for Yolanda and me to see the Decemberists in Prospect Park.

The 14th.

Tony and a girl he's dating are going too.

- Do you want to come? - Yes.

I don't really know a lot about where our money comes from.

Mama has a trust fund somewhere. And I used to think we lived on that,

but then she told us once that it wasn't a large income.

We don't live extravagantly, but we always seem to have enough for our needs.

Hi.

Busy?

No. I'm on a break.

What are you doing tonight?

I'm helping Sarah. She wants to record a song she wrote.

What's your role?

- I'm just pressing the record button. Stuff like that. - Moral support.

Yeah, for sure.

Want to meet me upstairs when you get back? I want to talk about something.

Sure. Is it something serious?

No, it's no big deal. I'll tell you about it later.

Okay.

- What are you doing? - Finishing this Müller book. It's awesome.

- You have to read it when I'm done. - Oh, great. Hurry up and finish it.

Okay. Have a good night.

Bye.

At night, the house is ours.

Mama goes to bed early.

Jeanne putters around in her room.

I really don't know what she does in there, but it seems to keep her busy.

Hang on a second.

What?

With the cigarettes. I wanted to talk about that.

So listen. I think we should stop smoking.

Really?

What do you think?

I don't know.

I feel bad that I got you started.

It's probably not the smartest thing in the world.

Exactly.

Are you up for it?

Okay.

What about these?

I say we flush them.

Oh, we don't have to do that, do we?

Okay, maybe we should flush them.

I never smoked again after that night.

I'm sure Matthew hasn't either.

The summer is almost over.

I don't want it to go.

I wish I could stop it.

- Pick one. - I can't pick just one.

Suppose you had to. Suppose you were stranded on a desert island.

- Don DeLillo. - DeLillo?

Over Pynchon? Over David Foster Wallace?

You told me to pick one. I like DeLillo.

- I mean, I like him too, but over Pynchon? - Pynchon is great.

Why are you on my ass about this, when you put a gun to my head and forced me to pick one?

Because you picked the wrong one!

Feel free to get in here whenever you want.

- I'm just listening to the boy talk. - What do you think, Jess?

You guys are just going to have to settle this by yourselves.

There is nothing to settle here! It is so obvious!

Oh, my God. Don't they look just like boyfriend and girlfriend?

Don't you think they look like boyfriend and girlfriend more than brother and sister?

Yeah. So what are we doing next?

This is such a perfect night.

This is what I wish life could always be like.

I know it's just a fantasy, but it's very sweet.

Maybe it wouldn't be much fun if it weren't a fantasy.

Well, we'll never know, will we?

Since when did you get so resigned to your fate?

What makes you say that?

All my life I've known there's no solution.

I don't have any expectation of us having a life together.

I never have.

I'm not talking about the unmentionable act. I don't think that's such a big deal.

I think that's just a matter of logistics.

For an unmentionable act, it gets mentioned a lot.

Oh, do I make you uncomfortable?

You'd be sad if I lost interest.

If the phase were over. You'd feel abandoned.

No, I wouldn't.

It would really be a win-win situation for you, you know.

What would be?

What we were talking about.

What can't be mentioned.

You could just drop it and move on to an adult,

mature relationship whenever you were ready. And I would totally accept it.

Yeah, I can just see you totally accepting that.

Really and sincerely. I wish you would take me seriously.

I take you very seriously.

Anyone who doesn't take you seriously is making a big mistake.

There's something I don't ever remember hearing you talk about.

In this fantasy, the one with no expectations,

- are there children? - No.

- Okay. I'm not sure exactly where your limits are. - No.

Okay.

You certainly know how to kill the mood.

Sorry.

The Hennesseys were still living here in '97.

- No, I think they'd been gone a long time. - No, because I remember listening to the song

"MMMbop" by Hanson in Katie Hennessey's bedroom. And that was...

When I imagined Matthew leaving for college,

I always pictured a fall setting,

with leaves on the ground, and everyone wearing jackets.

But Princeton had freshman orientation before classes started,

and he was gone by the end of August,

when it was still summer.

The house isn't that much quieter than it was before,

but now the quiet moments are awful.

I feel as if I'm not supposed to be here anymore.

But I don't have anywhere else.

I decided to go away at the same time as Matthew,

to visit my cousin Annie and her husband Joe upstate.

But it was a funny time for a vacation.

Their kids were going back to school, they were busy.

I came home after a weekend.

We text all the time. We call a lot.

Email not so much. It's kind of awful and depressing, somehow.

Facebook is fun sometimes.

Matthew still posts on some blogs,

and sometimes I spoof comments to see if he can figure out that it's me.

Kind of pathetic.

The stacks are closed to the public,

but a sophomore girl who works at the library got me in.

Look at this stuff.

Matthew sent me a video letter his second week at school.

He shot it and edited it himself.

I think it's so great that he did that. It's so much work for just a letter.

- Zoe! You're moving it! - I'm not moving it, I swear!

- Well, I'm not moving it! - Could it be a ghost moving it?

I swear, it's moving!

- Oh, my God! - Have you ever heard this word, "paraphilia"?

- Paraphilia? - Megan, you have to concentrate!

It means, "Repeated, intense sexual arousal to unconventional

or socially deviant stimuli."

Sarah, I thought you were studying for a chemistry test!

No, this is on George's Facebook page.

Why is George posting about deviant stimuli? Is he coming out, or something?

No, his whole page is full of stuff from psychology texts.

This is from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

I think he's just trying to be perverted and make it look like it's an academic thing.

Here's another definition: "Sexual arousal in response to sexual objects

or situations that are not part

of societally normative arousal/activity patterns."

Okay, let's get back to the Ouija board.

It stopped talking to us when you brought up paraphilia.

They give eight categories of paraphilia. Exhibitionism, fetishism... bla, bla, bla.

Frotteurism, there's one you don't hear every day.

Touching or rubbing against a nonconsensual person.

- Does that mean that "frotteur" is a word? - Yeah, I think so.

- That would be a good one to remember. - Maybe this is a very proper ghost from the

olden days, and we're scaring it away with this sex conversation.

And then the ninth category is called NOS. Not Otherwise Specified.

When Will went away to Cornell, I fell into a terrible, terrible sadness.

I knew of course that I would miss him, very much.

But what I felt was beyond that.

I didn't realize how much I'd come to depend on him.

For a woman who's alone, her children become everything.

And the oldest one...

Well, I know myself better now.

I wasn't taken by surprise in the same way when Matthew left.

I probably should have talked more after Matthew left.

It made Mama think I was depressed.

Or maybe I was really depressed, I don't know.

I felt like I was pretending to be depressed to avoid having to talk,

but maybe I was really depressed and just thought I was pretending.

Anyway, Mama,

who means very well,

thought I should see a therapist.

Would you like some coffee?

No

There were also a few times where she caught me crying.

I cried a lot after Matthew left.

It felt natural.

I felt better afterwards.

I don't think anything was really wrong.

So, anyway, that's about all there is to that.

Your sister is still living at home, though. Jeanne, is that right?

- Yeah, Jeanne. - Do you speak to her much?

Once in a while.

We don't have all that much in common.

You seem like a nice person, but I'm feeling a little uncomfortable.

- Yes, I can tell. - I'm completely terrified, actually.

Can you talk about what you're scared of?

Well, if I could do that, then I wouldn't be scared, right?

I'm sorry, I'm being rude.

- You can be rude if you want to. - I'm really not used to talking about private matters.

- I have the impression that you sometimes enjoy talking. - Oh, yeah.

In fact, you seem unusually open about your feelings.

Yes, I have this bad habit of embarrassing everyone by just blurting things out.

- But, right now... - Yeah, I know, you'd think that this would be my big chance, right?

I'm actually really worried that you're going to tell whatever I say to my mother.

Jackie, I always discuss that issue with parents before I begin therapy with a minor.

Your mother has agreed that I will keep everything you say in strict confidence.

There's only one exception to that rule, and that's if you say something

that makes me think you're likely to do harm to yourself.

I'm not going to do harm to myself.

Then everything you say will remain in this room.

Or maybe you might give my mother advice about what I should do?

Jackie, I will not give your mother advice about you,

I will not tell her what you say here. Okay?

Okay.

So,

- you're a private person. - Yeah, sometimes.

Do you have any confidants, anyone you can talk to?

No, not really.

Do you keep a diary, or a notebook where you can write your thoughts down?

Oh, my God.

No, I would never do such a thing.

You're afraid your mother might read it?

No, my mother would never do anything like that.

It's just the idea.

Jackie, I think it's best if we stop for today.

I'm going to ask you to go home and think about what you want out of this therapy. Okay?

Okay.

I'm going to keep your appointment for next week in my schedule.

And you or your mother can give me a call and let me know what you decide to do.

I felt really stupid for clamming up like that.

I told myself that I would just talk honestly to this woman at the next session.

But when it came around, I was terrified all over again.

Okay,

I guess that's all for now.

do you think it's weird that we never say "I love you" to each other?

Something has to go here at the end, right?

So, anyway,

I love you.

Bye.

Okay, I guess that's all for now.

I'll probably call you later on, there's no need for a long dramatic goodbye, right?

I miss you so horribly.

Okay, well, good night.

It's really good. The way you put it together is really intelligent.

- I really liked the way you cut the rooms together. - No, I hated that!

- I couldn't get it right. - No, it had a good rhythm.

Maybe you should think about filmmaking.

- I think you have a talent for it. - No, you're crazy.

- I just gave up on it and hit Upload. - Wait, I've got it open in another window.

Hello!

Oh my God!

- What? - Stop it! Stop it right now!

Do you want me to stop it?

No, wait!

- Put it back on! - It's still on. There's no sound in this part.

What's happening?

- What's happening now? - This is the shot of Mama.

Oh, my God.

She's done it, of course. She's done it more than everyone in the room put together.

So how is it?

I love sex.

- You won't get anything out of her. - Yeah, but it's different, she's in love.

- It's different when you love the person. - Look, I'll admit it: I haven't had sex.

And I feel like I'm in the majority. But listening to everyone talk about sex

all the time, you start to feel like some kind of freak.

Why do you feel like a freak? It's not some magic key or something.

Even if you have it, you still feel like other people

- are having it more, or having it better. - Yeah, but you didn't even like it.

It was okay. It was fine. I didn't DIS-like it.

Why should I feel better if you had bad sex?

If I'm, like, the only person in the world who hasn't had sex...

- I thought you said you were in the majority. - or FEELING that way.

If I'm FEELING like the only person in the world who hasn't had sex,

I'm not going to feel any more nurtured because you had bad sex.

Megan, you're being a little hostile.

- How am I being hostile? - I didn't say it was bad sex.

People aren't going to just tell you about their sex lives.

It doesn't mean you're the only one. It just means people like to keep

- their private lives private. - Except for Megan.

Yes, except for you!

Did I start this conversation? Did I start talking about sex? I did not.

You know that I haven't had sex either.

- I know that, but... - Yeah, but you don't count, Jackie, because you're not even trying.

I'm not even trying?

You never even express any interest in boys. I can't tell whether you even care.

I do care. I think about it constantly. Deep down I'm a total slut.

Everyone thinks about it constantly. Everyone is a slut deep down.

Then why don't you ever flirt, or even talk about guys?

I don't know. I don't know how to flirt. I guess I'm shy.

- You are so not shy. - Well, not with you.

- Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it. - I think about it constantly too,

and that's frustrating, because I know

everything I'm thinking is just a fantasy that comes from songs and movies.

- Maybe it has nothing to do with reality. - Really?

- I don't know, I just wonder. - Mine feels real.

But you don't really know, though.

I have a really vivid image of what it's like in my mind,

with all the feelings and the emotions rolled up together.

Sounds like you have a lot of vivid images.

I can totally see Jackie being a late bloomer. Like, in ten years,

jetting around the world, having affairs with movie stars. Right? Can't you picture it?

What about me? Don't I get to jet around the world? With Jackie?

No, you get to go to college, and hook up with some guy,

and immediately start giving us all sex advice.

You are so rude! If I get a boyfriend in college,

I don't intend to be hanging around with your ass just so I can give you sex advice.

I'm out of here!

It wasn't until my third therapy session that I made my confession about Matthew.

And Linda didn't call the cops or anything.

In fact, she didn't seem shocked at all.

I suppose she saw the punch line coming.

Are you attracted to other boys besides Matthew?

No, not really.

What do you mean by "not really"?

Well...

sometimes I'll feel attracted to somebody if he has some good quality that I like.

Like, if he's an independent thinker.

Or if he says something really smart, or really funny.

But all that stuff doesn't mean anything, really.

It doesn't mean anything?

Well, who knows what that person's really like?

There's no sense falling in love with a guy just because he can tell a good joke.

- You're concerned you don't know what they're really like. - Sure.

A lot of people find mystery attractive.

But you seem to want familiarity instead.

Yes, that's true.

I totally need to know everything about a person before I can get into them.

What does that mean?

- I don't know. - What do you think it means?

I don't know.

Do you feel afraid, or nervous, when you don't know everything about a person?

Not afraid, exactly.

Does that person seem dangerous, or threatening?

I don't think so. I mean, I don't feel that consciously.

Mostly I'm just bored if I don't know the other person.

Some people project positive fantasies onto an attractive stranger.

They imagine that the other person has all the good qualities

that they're looking for, until proven otherwise.

Not me. I just assume that everyone is messed up until proven otherwise.

- Maybe you should become a therapist. - Really?

Well, "messed up" is not the proper clinical term.

But not projecting positive fantasies onto people

is a quality that a therapist needs to have.

So,

how does it work when you know somebody really well?

- When you can see all their little quirks, their imperfections... - Sure.

Does that make it difficult for you to be attracted to them?

Well, it depends on what the imperfections are.

I don't need people to be perfect. Everybody has their issues.

Do you see Matthew's issues?

- Well, of course. - What are they?

Well...

Matthew can be a little bit arrogant.

Like, deep down, he thinks he knows everything better than everyone.

And he can be judgmental.

He tries not to be like that, though.

That's something good about him.

You can talk to him

if you're upset about something he did, and he'll hear what you're saying.

No matter how much I think about it...

...what it comes down to...

...he's

the best person I know.

He's the smartest and the most sensitive and the most interesting.

And it's not because he's my brother, it's because he's the best person there is.

If he weren't around, I wouldn't love anyone. For me, he's irreplaceable.

Did you visit any museums?

It's Will on the phone. Pick up in the kitchen.

- Tell him I said hi. - Jackie just came home. She says hello.

There are two kinds of people here. The first kind, which is my group,

pretends that college is about studying, even though they know it's really about Topic A.

And the second group doesn't even pretend.

This cluster is legendary

for the alleged co-ed skinny-dipping that allegedly happens at the alleged swimming pool.

I suspect it was a total myth at first,

but by now a bunch of people have probably tried it,

just because the idea was put in their heads.

Ever since Matthew left, I've been waiting for the news that he has a girlfriend.

Sometimes I wish that he would stop dragging out the suspense and just get it over with.

Linda says that most people are attracted to mystery,

and that I'm attracted to people I know really well.

Sounds like she's got your number.

Are you attracted to mystery too?

In some ways.

Is that what you feel about me? That you know me too well to be attracted to me?

It's hard to say, exactly.

I don't get it. What's the big deal about mystery?

Because people aren't going to stay mysterious forever.

And then when the mystery wears off, you're stuck with them.

That seems to be the way it works. If you look at married couples.

I think I've got a much more practical system. The mystery thing is bad evolution.

No, that's wrong.

Evolution doesn't care about the long run. It cares about getting us to reproduce.

After that, evolution doesn't give a fuck.

And, by the way, it also cares about getting new, different genes into the pool.

So the more mysterious the better, as far as evolution is concerned.

Yes, you're right,

you're completely right, as always. I never thought of it that way.

You're so smart.

And I'm an evolutionary reject. I'm totally fucked.

Are you unhappy with the therapy?

No, it's okay.

I'm still not sure what it's supposed to accomplish. But it's fine.

- Are you feeling any better than you were when you started? - Maybe.

I don't think I was actually depressed, or anything.

This has nothing to do with you. I love you, I think you're completely wonderful.

I so wish I could have a good transference and think about you all the time instead of him,

and then I'd just be a lesbian.

Did I just say that?

- Yes, you did. - That's embarrassing.

Don't be embarrassed. You can say whatever you want here.

I actually think I'm 100% hetero.

I have had girl crushes,

and stuff like that.

I'm supposed to just say whatever comes into my head, right?

I have a friend named Madeleine whom I totally adore.

- What's Madeleine like? - She's really pretty, and

she's incredibly sweet

she hasn't got a mean bone in her body. She's nice to everyone.

She has a boyfriend. I don't see her that much.

- Would you see her more if you could? - Yeah. I would love to see her more.

Is your feeling for Madeleine different from your feeling for Matthew?

Yeah.

How is it different?

Totally different in every way.

Is it different in terms of sexual attraction?

Yeah.

So you're sexually attracted to Matthew?

Yeah.

I wasn't completely clear on that.

You gave me the impression earlier on that it wasn't sexual.

Oh, I said all kinds of dumb things earlier on.

You almost never talk about...

- Will, is that his name? Your oldest brother. - Will.

How do you feel about him?

He's pretty cool.

I like him, basically. He's a real alpha male, very aggressive.

Matthew has a more balanced personality.

You're wondering if I'm attracted to Will, I bet.

- Are you? - No.

Not in the least.

So you've never thought of him in that way.

He's totally not the kind of person I would feel that way about.

The idea of it is... just...

Is just what?

Very unpleasant,

and kind of disgusting.

In other words, it would feel like incest.

Oh my God, I'm so messed up.

Listen up, everyone.

If you're on the majorette squad, and you're going to the game in Port Jervis,

the bus is outside the main building. Report to the front desk for a hall pass.

- Yeah? - You should try out.

Why? Do you think I'd be a good majorette?

No

Then why did you say anything?

- What a loser. - The weird thing is that I think he's flirting.

- I'm going out with Sarah and Alex. - Oh.

- All right. - Uh, we're going to a party.

- Really? - What's wrong with that?

Nothing. It's just that you don't often go to parties.

- So I don't know what time I'll be home. - That's fine. Have a good time.

Okay. I'll see you later.

Hi.

- Hi. - Do you remember me? - Yeah.

We did that Catholic Worker soup kitchen last year, for Charity Drive?

- Yeah, I totally remember you. - How's Debbie?

She's great. She's studying.

Who do you know here?

Would you mind?

Okay.

I'm totally inexperienced at that kind of thing, though.

That's cool. Just go for it.

It wasn't until the second time I had sex that it occurred to me to fantasize about Matthew.

After long and serious consideration,

I selected email, the most impersonal form of communication.

Subject: Defloration

So, when you get home, you'll find me a ruined woman.

See, I told you, you shouldn't have left me behind.

Now I have only a life of prostitution

and degradation before me.

P.S. I'm not joking.

I have no hymen anymore.

Please advise.

Congratulations!

Welcome to the brave new world.

We are now even steven, but I hope to pull out in front soon.

You seem so comfortable.

I thought it might weird you out a little.

Of course it's weird. But our whole relationship is so weird in the first place.

- I wanted to weird you out more than I did. - You did, you weirded me out.

But it's an interesting weird. It's got a certain fascination.

I turned this conversation over in my head for days.

I put different interpretations on it, looked at it from every angle.

What were you feeling?

I don't know.

Not too much.

I was pretty cool-headed through the whole thing.

- Were there any difficulties? - No, it went fine.

Were you lubricated?

Oh, yeah. I mean, he went in pretty easily, after the hymen... incident.

It sounds as if you must have enjoyed yourself a little bit, at least.

Not really.

If you were lubricated, you must have had some reaction.

I was wet, but I wasn't really involved.

I felt like a spectator.

You're trying to say that I secretly enjoyed it?

I'm not trying to say that. I'm saying that it sounds as if you were physically responsive.

Yeah,

I was

responsive enough for, you know,

the minimum requirements.

You don't like the idea of being attracted to anyone other than Matthew, do you?

I had a dream last week where I saw a boy who wasn't Matthew, and I felt attracted to him.

What happened after that in the dream?

I can't remember it clearly.

I never talked to the boy. Nothing happened between us.

- Who does the boy in the dream remind you of? - No one in particular.

Can you describe him?

Oh, God, I can't remember.

He was medium height,

and he had long dark hair.

Long for a boy down to his chin.

And he had a round face.

Do those features remind you of anyone?

No, not exactly.

I guess I have a face like that.

Yes, you do.

You think that's me? What would that mean?

I don't know.

- What do you think it means? - I have no idea.

He's a nasty little twerp, isn't he.

You are so strong. If that happened to me, I would crawl under a rock and die.

Oh, who gives a fuck?

Two days later, after school when no one was around,

Tristan asked me to go out with him again.

He said that he was probably breaking up with Debbie,

because she didn't like his friends, or he didn't like her friends, or something.

He kept saying what a good time he had on Saturday night.

Have you previously applied for admission to Princeton?

- Which one are you doing first? - Princeton.

Did you even need to ask that, Mama?

Is that your first choice?

For now. I'm still doing research.

That's nice, dear. Going away will be much easier for you if Matthew is around.

I'm getting a lot of resistance from you on this.

Well, yeah.

We're just talking about it. You know I'm not in any position to force you to do anything.

That's right, you're not.

I've never even expressed a preference.

Yes, but I know what you want me to do.

Can we talk about why the idea of going to a different school bothers you so much?

Go ahead, talk.

Hi.

Give me a minute. I have to finish this for Ms. Rodriguez.

Philip has his mom's van to go to the Poconos this weekend.

- This weekend? I can't. - Why not?

It's a vacation, and my brother's coming home from school,

and, um... I have a lot of stuff to do at home.

- So, you're busy the whole vacation? - I don't know. Maybe not.

Okay, whatever.

I'm sorry, I just can't do it.

I really have to finish this.

All right, later.

Why won't you come with me?

I don't see any need to stand waiting outside the subway station.

You don't even know when he's going to arrive. - He's on his way now. I'm going.

You're making too big a fuss over this, Jacqueline.

I don't want to be the only one meeting him. Come on, come with me.

Why don't you want to be the only one meeting him?

I don't...know.

But it should be more of an event.

I'm sure it'll be quite a nice surprise with just you meeting him there.

Don't take him out anywhere, though come straight home.

Oh, my God.

- How long have you been waiting here? - Welcome home.

This is a small token of our appreciation that you've returned to us.

Di Fara's? All right! Is Mama making dinner?

- Of course. But, you can go ahead and... - I guess I can handle a slice.

It's so good to see you, dear!

- Hey, Matthew! - Hi, Jeanne.

Peter completely agreed with me.

But Eli wanted a public room,

he thought we were violating some unwritten law of roommate life.

That's absurd. You were in the right.

I see his point, in theory.

But he had all these friends over from Groton on weekends.

- Don't these Princeton students ever study? As far as he's concerned, if you want to study

go to the library. It's ridiculous, but there's no point in arguing with him.

Last time we went out, it was right in the middle of my period.

And I figured, like whatever, go for it.

But he was really nervous, and he wasn't sure whether he should do it.

And I was really surprised,

because I thought that guys these days were cool with period blood.

Maybe he just didn't want to bloody up his mom's sheets.

It was the back seat of his mom's car.

Maybe.

What about you? Does period blood bother you? - I've never encountered it.

Yes you have.

I've never encountered it in a sex context. I'm pretty sure I'd be okay with it.

Did this guy get his act together?

Yeah, he was fine once we got started.

I find that I like sex, actually.

- That doesn't surprise me. - What do you mean?

I've always thought of you as a sexual person.

Just little things I remember from when we were kids.

- What do you remember? - Nothing particular.

I remember you being all smiley and happy whenever we were up to something.

if we were touching ourselves, or something, and me being more nervous or guilty,

of course.

You always seemed to have your act together.

It's too bad that didn't last.

The last time that Tristan and I were together,

he asked me to do something special for him.

Like what?

Well, he wanted me to put my finger up his butt.

Uh, okay.

I pretended I was grossed out by it, and I said no.

I could tell that he really wanted it, but he dropped the subject.

And the thing is, I wasn't bothered by it at all.

I just didn't feel like doing it for him right at that moment.

I guess I was being a bitch.

Did you act all indignant? Like, "I beg your pardon, sir!"

I think I said "Eeuuugh."

Maybe I'll change my mind sometime and give him a thrill.

- It wouldn't bother you? - Totally not.

If I loved a boy, I would do anything for him.

I would never say no to anything.

You're the last of the romantics.

Romantic with a capital R.

That last comment was directed at me, I guess.

I guess so.

It would be so great if you had some horrible, disgusting perversion

that no one else in the world would ever gratify.

You'd probably never tell me, would you.

You could at least pretend you're not watching my crotch for a reaction.

Are you having a reaction?

What's wrong?

- This was a mistake. - Matthew, wait!

- Sit down! It's like you're doing everything you can

to make it impossible for me to be around you. - Oh, please don't be angry with me! Please!

You have to know what you're doing. You have to know how hard you're pushing me.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But everything is at stake!

- My whole life is at stake right now! - I'm going to bed.

That was the last sleepless night of my life so far.

Hi.

Hi.

Can we go upstairs and talk for a second?

Sure.

- Do you need your coffee first? - Yeah.

There's only one thing I'm really afraid of, and that's that you'll withdraw from me...

- emotionally. - Maybe that's what has to happen.

If we want to have a normal life.

You mean if I want to have a normal life.

No, me too.

Really?

You're a very powerful person. Maybe you don't think so.

- I don't feel powerful. - But you are.

I feel like I'm caught in your force field sometimes.

I can't get my balance.

What you're saying is unbearably sad to me.

I can deal with our being apart.

I think I can deal with that.

And I can deal with you having other people in your life.

But what I can't deal with is the thought that I won't be connected to you.

Look at you, though.

You're crying all the time. You're crying now.

Is that what you want?

Crying isn't such a bad thing. You don't understand that, because you never cry.

If I cried too, this house would, like, be washed away.

You should try it sometime. It helps.

Besides, I'm saying goodbye to something.

You're supposed to cry when you say goodbye.

Drama queen.

- What's going on? - Just leave them alone.

I managed pretty well for the rest of that vacation.

I did have a little breakdown when Matthew left for school, but that wasn't too awful.

I think he expected it.

It was the hardest decision I've made in my entire life,

but I never sent in my application to Princeton.

I can't describe how I felt as the deadline approached.

I don't like to think about it.

I was looking forward to telling Linda about my decision,

but of course she turns it around on me and says

"Did you think that I wanted you to do that?"

I don't know why she's wasting her time on small fry like me,

she should be psychoanalyzing people in Vienna, or something.

This house is my native country.

Soon I'll have to leave it, and go among foreigners.

In the winter I began dating a nice boy named Robert,

who goes to a different high school.

We aren't going to the same college in the fall,

and everyone seems to think that romances don't last when that happens.

I guess we'll see.

Maybe I'll be the exception to the rule, as I am to so many other rules.

I feel so old lately, so prematurely old.

I'm not even 18 yet, and I'm already resigned to never being happy,

pretending from morning to night that I want the same things as everyone else.

Linda says that I shouldn't feel fatalistic, that my life will keep changing.

She's a smart lady, I hope she's right.

I'm thinking that I'd like to major in psychology at college.

I can't honestly say that therapy has changed me in any big way,

but that's one good thing that came out of it, at least.

Linda thinks I'm having a transference. But I'm really interested in this stuff.

You may be worried about the possibility of getting a therapist

who's as twisted and abnormal as me.

But, you know, I think that's how it usually happens.

First you wonder how your own head works,

and then you get interested in other people's heads.

Subtitulos creados por Dani Gascó