All language subtitles for The April Fools

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POTTER:
Howard.

HOWARD:
Potter, what are you doing here?

Be calm, relax, have a drink.
Let him bring up business.

It's all set.
All I have to do is sign the papers.

Let him bring up the papers.

If there are problems, say you have
to check with your lawyer and call me.

- Potter, it's only a promotion.
- Only a promotion?

That's only the start.

- Howard, take a look at this building.
- Yeah.

If there's a God, Howard,
he probably lives in this building.

Now, this is a big step for you.

From now on, it's all uphill.
Is that the only tie you have?

No, it's not... It's the only one
I brought. Really...

Now these guys are very touchy
about details.

- Have you told Phyllis?
- No, I called home. Line was busy.

All right. Don't worry, don't worry,
you can call them from his place.

These guys usually have phones
on every table.

You sure you don't want me
to go with you?

- He said for me to drop by alone.
- Fine. You're right. You're right.

Now, you gotta start
getting used to doing things alone.

Come on,
I'll take you inside. Come on.

Howard Brubaker
to see Mr. Theodore Gunther.

Yes, sir, 20E.

- Third bank of elevators to the left.
- Thank you.

Okay, Howard, this is it.

You're on your own.

Thanks a lot, Potter.

Forget it, kid.

Very important client.

Great setup you got here.

[RINGS]

[DOOR OPENS]

- What do you think of this?
- Hm?

- Yeah, Brubaker, Howard, isn't it?
- Yes, sir. Yes.

What does it say to you?

Oh, uh, it's...

Shouldn't there be something on it?

The less that's on it, the more
that's in it. That's art today.

In any case, the safe response is:
"It makes its own quiet statement."

And you can bet your ass
it cost me a bundle.

Come on, I've got some
beautiful people I want you to meet.

[CHATTERING]

[JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

Is, uh, that the only tie you have?

Well, actually, I have others,
but not with me.

Don't worry, just let them know
you're on the street.

Well, hello there.

Gunther's the name.
Can I buy you a drink?

[CHATTERING]

WOMAN: I don't know, darling.
The trouble is, you think she's Italian.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, God.

Yeah, I didn't know it was a party.

GUNTHER: This is a little something
I picked up in Paris.

The moment I saw it,
I knew I had to own it.

I don't think a day goes by

that I don't spend at least five minutes
looking at it.

Yeah, excuse me. Hello, angel.

It looks like it will be
one of our best parties.

I hope so.

[GUESTS CHATTERING
AND LAUGHING]

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

This, of course, is the famous
Ravenberry Phone Booth.

Reality of reality.

I'll show you over here something I...

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that's wonderful.

GUNTHER:
Oh, Les. Leslie.

Nice of you to come.

You look great, guy, huh?

Your place looks just marvelous.

MAN:
I know fabric.

This is an honest cloth.

An intelligent cloth.

WOMAN 1:
Listen to him. It's his business.

WOMAN 2:
He's the playboy and the jet-setter.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Baseball is down,
basketball is down.

Football is peaking.

Where are the people
gonna go next?

- Tennis.
- Hockey.

Hockey.

GUNTHER: Perfect symbol
of the climate of violence.

Twelve angry men on skates
with sticks.

Just you think about that.

- Yeah. Well, l... It sounds to me like...
- Gunther's the name. Buy you a drink?

[GUESTS CHATTERING
AND LAUGHING]

Sensitivity training is not limited

to only those people
who think they need it. Heh.

Les, for example,
could hardly be called insensitive.

[LESLIE GIGGLES]

Les is right, Cath.

STANLEY [ON PHONE]: Hello?
OPERATOR: Hello.

I have a collect call
from a Mr. Brubaker in New York City.

- Will you accept the charges?
STANLEY: No.

Stan, it's me, Daddy.
Yoo-hoo. Sta...

[LINE CLICKS]

OPERATOR:
I'm sorry, sir,

but your party has refused
to accept the charges.

Yeah, it's my son.
He's going through a phase.

I don't understand it.

Would you put the call through again?
Person to person?

Do you, uh, type?

You mean, uh, with a machine?

PHYLLIS [ON PHONE]:
Hello?

Phyllis,
we've got to do something about Stan.

That's the third time this week
he's hung up on me.

His teacher says
it's perfectly natural.

Stanley's television-oriented,

so he's frustrated by voices
he can't see.

They're conducting a study
at Princeton.

Good, as long as they're working on it.
Listen, I got big news.

Gunther's made me head
of the Investment Department.

Phyllis, did you hear me?

I heard you, Howard.

Well, you don't sound very happy.

Heh, I'm happy, Howard.

We'll just have to find a new house.

What's wrong
with the new house we got last month?

I can't talk, Howard, I've got
to change. The girls are coming over.

[LINE CLICKS]

Mm-hm. Heh-heh.

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

[MAN PLAYING "I SAY
A LITTLE PRAYER" ON PIANO]

[SINGING]
The moment I wake up

Before I put on my makeup

I say a little prayer for you

While combing my hair now

And wondering what dress
To wear now

I say a little prayer for you

Forever and ever
You'll stay in my heart

And I will love you

Forever and ever
We never will part

Oh, how I love you

Together, together
That's how it must be

To live without you
Will only mean heartbreak for me

Mm, yeah.

I run for the bus, dear

- While riding I think of us, dear
- While riding I think of us, dear

- I say a little prayer for you
- I say a little prayer for you

At work, I just take time

And all through
My coffee break time

I say a little prayer for you

- Forever...
- Forever and ever

You'll stay in my heart
And I will love you

Forever and ever
We never will part

Oh, how I love you

Together, together
That's how it must be

To live without you
Will only mean heartbreak for me

Ooh, yeah.

[GUESTS CHATTERING
AND LAUGHING LOUDLY]

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

Brubaker's the name.
Buy you a drink?

Fine. I'll get my things.

- Oh, Brubaker?
HOWARD: Huh?

This is Naomi.
We're gonna be seeing a lot of her.

Brubaker.

You all right?

Yeah, I just met this girl
and she's getting her things.

You got one. Good man.

- Where are you gonna take her?
- I don't know. Home, I guess.

Home? To your wife?

No, I mean her home.
Wherever she lives.

Wrong.

Here, drop by the old club.
It's like a second home.

Oh, I don't know
if that would be quite a...

Brubaker, handle her case.

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

Leaving so soon?

CATHERINE:
I'm sorry.

Hi.

This thing makes
its own quiet statement.

I think there should be
something on it.

[HOWARD SNIFFS]

I don't mean to sound too forward,
my name is Catherine.

Oh, uh... Um, Brubaker... Howard.

- Brubaker?
- Mm.

How do you do?

I never know what to say
in an elevator. Heh-heh-heh.

It's...

It's some party, huh?

"Some party" good
or "some party" bad?

Uh, well... Well...
Well, some good and some bad.

On the average, for that type of party,
I'd say it was average.

You go to a lot of these?

No, actually.

I expect I will be going to quite
a few of them in the future though.

I got a little promotion today.

Actually, a big promotion.

- I'm on the street, you see.
- On the street?

You interested in stocks and bonds?

- No.
- Generally,

I think we can expect a good year.
Very bullish overall.

There's a possibility of some
bearishness later on, but I think...

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Do you, uh, live in the city?
- Yes.

- Whereabouts?
- Here.

Oh, well, that makes it convenient.

I'll get us a taxi.

Can I help you, Mrs. Gunther?

Yes, I'd like a taxi.

[BELL RINGS]

Cab! Hey, cab!

Cab! Cab! Hey, cab.

I guess he didn't see me.

I thought we'd, uh, pop over
to the old club, huh?

- Fine.
- Good.

What old club did you have in mind?

Uh...

Safari Club.

[GROWLS]

HOSTESS:
Welcome to the Club Safari.

You are now in the Jungle Room.

Dancing and entertainment
are in the Native's Quarter

on the second floor.
The Campfire Buffet is on your left.

Please shoot the waitress of your
choice for service. Happy hunting.

[HOSTESS CLICKS TONGUE
THEN HOWARD CLICKS TONGUE]

Do you come here often?

Uh, no. Actually, no.

But I think I will,

because my boss says
it's like a second home.

Heh. He must live in a zoo.
Heh-heh.

Uh, what would you like to drink?

Uh...

A double... A double anything.

A double...

I'm sorry. I meant to shoot...
Where did she go?

Her. Uh...

I never was very good with animals.

I've got this dog that barks at me
when I come home.

Well, it isn't as strange as it sounds.

He came with the house,
belonged to the former owner.

He doesn't know
that I'm his master.

He thinks I'm a prowler,
so he barks, awf.

[HOWARD CHUCKLES]

[LION ROARS]

I'll get...

Listen.

About that house.

It's in Darien, Connecticut,

and I don't live alone there
with a dog.

You see,

there's this, uh, woman
who hangs around too.

And a kid, Stanley.

A boy.

What I'm... I'm sort of married.

How wonderful.

I don't live alone either.

You don't live alone either...
You're married too?

Yes.

Oh, ho-ho. Well, I'll be... Can you...?
You don't look married.

Thank you. Well, you don't look
very married neither.

Yeah? Well, thank you. Heh-heh.

I should. Twelve years.

Twelve years.

We've lived
in 12 different houses too. Hm.

You must travel a lot.

Oh, no. That's just because
my wife has this remodeling thing.

When she finishes a house,
she gets bored,

so we gotta get a new one
and start over from the beginning.

She's very home-oriented,
as she would put it.

But I guess aside from that,
I'm pretty ha...

- How about you?
- Oh, I'm not as happy as you are.

No? Well, how come?

Oh, I take it back. It's none
of my business. I'm sorry. Um...

- Any children?
- No.

My husband doesn't like children.

Huh?

He thinks they're too childish.

[CHUCKLES]

Where's...? I'm sorry, I forgot.

What's the matter
with these waitresses?

Oh, can we have a double anything?

- Is your name Brubaker?
- Hm?

Telephone for you, sir.

Telephone for me?

Oh. I wonder...
Uh, would you excuse me?

[PARROT SQUAWKS]

Uh, hello? Hello?

GUNTHER [ON PHONE]:
Brubaker. How stands the union?

Hello... What? Oh, Mr. Gunther. Hi.

What's your diagnosis, doctor?

Is your patient showing a fever yet?

Is my patient? What...?

Oh, you mean, uh...

Well, she's a very nice girl.
We're getting along just fine.

Good boy.

Don't let her know
you're married.

Heh. Uh...

I'll see you in the morning.

Right.

Don't let her know I'm married.

[GUN POPS]

I am married.

[GUNS POPPING]

[WHOOPING AND LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

MIMSY:
I had no idea what to expect.

He just said,
"Wanna hear some funny tapes?"

I heard it was all her idea.

We've known them for years.
I never imagined they were like that.

[PHONE RINGS]

STANLEY:
I'll get it. I'll get it.

Oh, if that's Bob,
tell him the maid drank it.

- Hello?
- Stanley?

It's me, Daddy.
Don't hang up.

All right?
Could I speak to Mommy, please?

What did they say about the tapes?

Phyllis? Can you hear me, Phyllis?

[GROWLS THEN BARKS]

Oh, I've got the dog.

- Hello?
- Phyllis, look,

I wanted to call and tell you
I missed the 8:01.

I'll be on the 9:57 that gets in
at 11:14.

Howard, you're too time-oriented.

You've gotta learn not to be
so dependent on your rigid schedule.

This isn't my schedule. The New York,
New Haven and Hartford puts this out.

I can't talk now. I've gotta serve.

[LINE CLICKS]

Phyllis?

Phyllis?

My boss.

Big deal coming up.

Bullish and rubbish?

- Bearish.
- Oh, yes.

He's quite a swinger.

Oh, yes?

It was his idea for us to come here.

I've... This is not my kind of place.

And I just don't think
you're the sort of girl that, uh...

I didn't know what to say to him.

Well, the next time you see him,
why don't you just...?

[GUN POPS]

Yes, sir, what can I bring you?

[LAUGHS]

HOWARD:
Um...

Shall we...? Just the check, please.

But you didn't order anything.

We haven't ordered...
Well, then we're straight.

CATHERINE:
Thank you.

Bwana want a taxi?

- Bwana want a...? You want a taxi?
- No. I think I'll walk for a while.

You know, I don't wanna leave,
but I just, uh...

I missed the train, and l...

It's late,
and I don't know when I'll get...

Oh, she worries about you?

No, one thing about, uh...

She doesn't worry about me.

I did promise you a drink, didn't I?

Do you dance?

- Do I dance?
- Yes.

- No.
- Ah.

[THE CHAMBERS BROTHERS'
"WAKE UP" PLAYS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[CALIFORNIA'S "SUGAR KITE"
PLAYS]

Thank God.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Catherine, how are you?

CATHERINE [ON PHONE]: I'm fine.
- Great.

Absolutely, it's the best party
we've ever had.

Listen...

Hey, where are you?

Where do you think I am?

Catherine, this is no time for jokes.

We're giving a party for 200 people.

I've been gone for hours.
Didn't you notice?

Of course I noticed.

Just a little while ago, I asked
what's-his-name, "Where is Cathy?"

I'll talk to you later.

[CHATTERING]

[POP MUSIC
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

WOMAN:
Are you a Gemini?

Yes. How did you know?

A lucky guess.

You should trust your emotions more.

Stop thinking so much.

I guess weights too.

What is his sign?

He's Taurus.

You're wildly incompatible.

Of course, there's nothing to astrology,
but he's much too acquisitive for you.

Wants to own everything he sees.

What about him?

I'd say he was the Crab.

Affectionate, shy, sensitive.

You two could be very compatible.

[CATHERINE SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

- Are you from Paris?
- Yes.

How wonderful.

You should come
and meet my husband.

He's a displaced Parisian.

[MOUTHS]
Catherine!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[TAJ MAHAL'S "GIVE YOUR WOMAN
WHAT SHE WANTS" PLAYS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[CHUCKLING]

I'm sorry, I'd like to, uh...

But, uh, the last...

- I understand.
- It leaves...

GRACE: Children, I'm afraid
I'm in terrible difficulty.

And he was doing so well.

Almost three months without a drop.

ORLOW: Seventy-four days,
10 hours and seven minutes.

A new world's record.

And the new world's record holder
is Orlow P. Walters.

GRACE:
And I can't drive.

I don't suppose you'd reconsider?

[HORN HONKING]

Your friends and neighbors
have chipped in

to buy you a small token
of esteem and affection.

[GEARS GRATING]

Gears need a little oiling, I guess.

Brubaker, do you duel?

Uh, no, I tried out
for the college fencing team, but I...

Splendid.

Are you getting tired?

No, I'm fine.

[YELLS]

[CRASHING]

Hello, darling.

Hello, my love.

I've found us some guests.

Catherine and Brubaker.

How do you do?

Catherine is from Paris.

And he was college
fencing champion.

Oh, marvelous.

Delighted.

[ANDRE AND CATHERINE
SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Catherine, we'll freshen up.

Fine. Uh, Brubaker and I
will just try our hand.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

ANDRE:
Foil or �p�e?

You must forgive this equipment,
but, uh, I'm just learning.

Marvelous sport, don't you think?

- Oh, yes.
- Illegal now, so I only practice at night.

As a matter of fact,
I only do everything at night.

- Actually, I wasn't a fencing champ.
ANDRE: Oh-oh. I found out long ago

that all of the most unpleasant things
in life occur during the day.

The sun beats down,
women wear curlers.

Men jam subways
to get to offices

where they cheat each other
in business,

or borrow and lend money
at exorbitant rates.

Say, I hope I'm not stepping
on any toes.

- What line are you in?
- I'm on the street.

Oh. Oh, well, I'm sure
you'll find something soon.

And this is my favorite room.

I feel like I've stepped into the past.

- Lots of luck.
- But at night, ah,

the stock exchange is closed.

The moon comes up.

Candles flicker.

Champagne pops.

Women are gay and beautiful.

Greta Garbo movies
are on television.

So obviously, the answer is to sleep
during the day and live at night.

En garde.

Uh-huh.

[YELLS IN JAPANESE]

That's Japanese, you know.

Not completely fair, I suppose,

but, uh, in dueling,
Brown tells me, anything goes.

[YELLS IN JAPANESE]

[GRUNTING]

Wonderful attack.

Well, thank you, but actually...

[BOTH YELLING]

Do you believe in destiny?

No. I mean, not really.

Good.

Then I'll tell your fortune.

- I don't really believe in...
- Neither do I.

It's bad luck to be superstitious,
but the cards are so pretty.

[ANDRE YELLS IN JAPANESE
THEN HOWARD GROANS]

HOWARD:
Aa-ah!

Now, the first card
represents your picture of yourself.

Oh, my. The Fool.

Are you feeling foolish?

A little.

You see, there's a party
in my apartment right now,

and I should be there,

but I walked out with Brubaker.

And for some reasons, I don't care.

- I'm here, I'm happy and...
- Oh, you don't look very happy.

Did your husband beat you?

How did you know I was married?

By your wedding ring. How else?

[CATHERINE CHUCKLES]

CATHERINE:
Yes, of course.

[ANDRE YELLS IN JAPANESE]

HOWARD:
Oh!

[ANDRE YELLS IN JAPANESE]

ANDRE:
Oh, permit me.

- En garde.
- Oh!

[GRUNTING]

GRACE:
The future.

Mm. The World.

This may mean
that you're about to make a decision

and all choices are open to you.

Or it could mean
that you're about to take a trip.

- Are you planning one?
- No.

You see?

It's all foolishness.

I've been thinking about...

About leaving my husband.

You see how these games
can get out of hand?

I thought about it for a long time.

Are these from your wedding cake?

GRACE:
When Andre and I were married,

they had just invented bread.

[CHUCKLES]

When we got married,

people said we looked more perfect
than the figures on the cake.

Two pretty people,
but that's not enough.

Well, I suppose there are times
when a trade-in is permissible.

Then you think I should leave him?

No one should ever give advice.

Why don't you leave it up
to the cards?

You have one left in your future.

[HOWARD GRUNTING AND
ANDRE YELLING IN JAPANESE]

Excellent,
but that makes you vulnerable for...

... un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.

[LAUGHS]

Magnificent.

A fine match.

That was fun.

Yeah. Heh-heh. Fun.

That was fun. It was a lot of fun.

This is some place.

If my wife ever got her hands on this...

- Brubaker?
- Hm?

Why do people get married?

I don't know. Uh... They do.

You know there's a marriage
in this country every five seconds?

CATHERINE: So fast?
- They probably use computers.

CATHERINE:
I would like to live in a castle.

HOWARD:
All alone?

CATHERINE:
No, with a prince.

- I was a prince once.
- Heh-heh-heh.

No, in kindergarten in this play.

I mean, I played a prince

who was turned into a frog
by a wicked witch.

And the only way
I could get un-frogged

was by the kiss
of this beautiful princess.

When it came time for the girl

who was playing the princess
to give me the kiss,

she must've thought I looked terrible.
I had this frog's head on at the time.

She just walked off-stage,

and, uh, it became the story

of the enchanted frog
who stayed a frog.

[HOWARD CHUCKLES]

You are a prince.

That's the first time in years
I've kissed a woman

without saying "goodbye,"
"good night" or "happy birthday."

Well, I say it's the first time I've kissed
a man who didn't kiss me first.

I really should, uh...

- Forget it.
- No, no. What were you going to say?

I was gonna say something I thought
I should, but I didn't really mean it.

- Tonight...
- No.

Tonight we only say
what we really mean.

And do what we really wanna do.

[CATHERINE SINGING
IN FRENCH]

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Well, the sun will come up
any time now.

Will you spend the day?

Oh, uh...

No, I'm af...
I think we'd better be going.

You'll come again, won't you?

Thank you. We will.

[ANDRE AND CATHERINE
SPEAK IN FRENCH]

Your friend is a good sport.

[HOWARD CHUCKLES
THEN STAMMERS]

[ANDRE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE
THEN CHUCKLES]

I'm going to leave him.

When?

Today. Tonight. As soon as I can.

If I wait too long,
he'll talk me out of it.

Where will you go?

Home. Paris.

HOWARD:
Hm.

I've never been to Paris.

You'd like it.

It's very romantic.

Look, I don't know how to put this.

This has been the most
wonderful night of my life.

I know that sounds...

And if I had any...

I guess it's back to being
a frog again, as usual.

You are a prince.

Permanently.

I've gotta go.

Have a good trip.

You too.

To...

Where is it
you have all those houses?

Oh, Darien.

That's not exactly Paris.

[ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS]

Goodbye.

We seem to say a lot of goodbyes.

Too many.

[SIGHS]

[PIGEONS COOING]

[FROG CROAKING]

NAOMI:
Hi.

Hi.

I'm supposed to be
your new secretary.

We met last night.

At the party.

Oh, sure, yes. You're the one
with the... How are you?

Tired.

Me too. Heh-heh.

Want a pill?

- What kind of pill?
- You tell me.

No, thank you.

Would you get my wife
on the phone?

Sure.

Uh, what's your name?

Brubaker, Howard.

Is that what you want me
to call you?

Well, yeah, you can call me Mr. Bru...
Howard.

Actually, whatever you want.

Good.

I'm used to working for swingers.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

- Yes?
NAOMI: Your wife, Bru.

Bru?

Oh, she...

Phyllis?

I've got something important
we have to talk about.

Howard, I'm so glad you called.

A realtor is bringing a couple over
this morning to look at the house.

If they like it,
they wanna move in

- right away.
- Right away?

They have another house
we can take temporarily.

Of course, it needs a lot of work.

- Have you seen your new office yet?
- Yes, I'm in it now.

How many windows are there?

L... Eleven.

Eleven?

I'll come down on Monday
and see what I can do.

Gunther say anything
about refurnishing it?

No. Why, you should see it,
it's barely...

Look, Phyllis, please. I must talk to you
about something very important.

Well, just ask him.

Oh, Phyllis...

Howard, don't be afraid.
You've got it coming to you.

- You're so avoidance-oriented.
- Phyllis...

The Cranshaws can't make it.

- They're sick.
- Phyllis...

But if we can find a recorder,
they'll send over their tapes.

What tapes?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

There's the realtor.
I can't talk now.

Thank you for calling.

[DOOR OPENS]

Well, Brubaker,
what do you think of it?

Well, it's not exactly
the Palace of Versa...

Good Lord, what happened?
Did you get mugged?

Oh, no, no. I just haven't had
a chance to shave and change.

A little celebration is expected,
Brubaker, but in moderation.

- I have these contracts here...
- Mr. Gunther, I'm giving notice.

- Your notice of what?
- I'm quitting.

You'll get my resignation in the mail.
I'd like to tell you it's been...

Brubaker, I've known of men to crack
from the strain of life at the top,

but never after one day.

It's been a pleasant association,

and my decision does not reflect
personally on anyone,

it's just that I've made other plans.

What other plans? Suicide?
What are you talking about, Brubaker?

Well, since you...

As a matter of fact, you were
instrumental in this thing.

Here, by the way.
Thank you very much.

Uh, you know the girl I met
at your party last night?

She's leaving her husband.

And I've decided
I am gonna go with her,

if she'll let me, to Paris tonight.

Brubaker, is this just alcohol?

Or are you on drugs too?

No, I know it sounds strange,
but I'm perfectly serious.

I wanted to tell you that's it's been
a wonderful association

and that my decision
does not reflect personally on anyone.

All right, if you wanna go
and bundle with this tootsie...

She's not a tootsie.
She's a very beautiful, wonderful girl.

Okay, Brubaker.

If you wanna go bundle
with this wonderful, beautiful girl,

take one week
of your vacation now...

Wait, you don't understand.

I'm not coming back. Mm-mm.

Brubaker.

A girl you meet
at one of my parties?

A drunken kiss,
an off-balance embrace,

a couple of hours
in the downy billows?

You don't understand.
It was nothing like that. See, she's...

She's a princess and I'm a frog
who got changed into a prince.

- Brubaker...
- I was a prince at first.

- That's enough.
- I got changed into a frog,

and until her kiss...

- Brubaker, you are not a frog.
- Right.

As cruel as this may seem
in your current state,

I want you to recognize that
as the truth.

I'm not a frog now.
I'm a prince, but I was a frog.

Brubaker,
repeat this simple sentence after me.

"I am not now,
nor have I ever been a frog."

- No...
- Repeat, Brubaker.

"I am not now,
nor have I ever been a frog."

HOWARD:
Mm-mm.

Brubaker, you need some rest.
You also need to consult a doctor.

Either a psychiatrist
or a veterinarian.

DOORMAN: May I help you?
- Uh, yes.

I was here this morning, you know,
a few hours ago, with a girl.

A woman. A blond.

She was wearing a tuxedo.
Do you remember?

Mrs. Gunther, 20E.

Mrs. Gunther.

[WATER RUNNING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[WATER STOPS RUNNING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

My friend and I have decided to go
with the princess, if she'll have us.

Did you arrange for this?

I wish I had.

How do you think we look?

- Foolish, I guess.
- I hope so.

[MUSIC STOPS]

HOWARD: You were happy
as a child, weren't you?

CATHERINE:
Yes, I was.

- Weren't you?
HOWARD: Yeah.

Don't you have
any rotten childhood stories?

No, I don't.

- Do you?
- No. Heh.

When I was 10, my grandmother
gave me a goldfish bowl.

And I saved up all my money,
and I ran down to the pet shop,

and I bought two goldfish.

The man put them in a carton
like you eat Chinese food out of.

He was eating Chinese food
out of a carton just like it.

I brought them home,
and I opened the carton very carefully

and I poured it in,

and it turned out to be chop suey.

Because the man had given me
the wrong carton by mistake. Heh.

I was sitting there
staring at all these noodles

and vegetables floating around
and my father walked in.

He looked at it and said,
"What's that?"

And I said, "That's chop suey."
And he said, "Well, remember,

your mother and I
aren't gonna feed it for you."

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BARKING]

[LAUGHING]

[CHATTERING]

I don't think Webster
has another year left in him.

Better put him on the block.

Buy someone to back up Ferroski.

And...

Well, gentlemen,
it appears we have our first fan.

Anyone know who she is?

Never saw her before.

New one to me.

Well, I think this calls
for an official welcome.

If you'll excuse me.

GUNTHER:
Gunther's the name. Buy you a drink?

Oh, it's you.

Hi, Potter.

- My God, Howard, you look terrible.
- What, I do? Yeah, I guess I do.

Scotch and water.
I feel wonderful.

Met a girl last night,
we're going to Paris.

- What about Phyllis?
- She's not coming.

Handle it. That's why I wanted to see
you. Give her anything. Car, house.

- A divorce?
- Yeah.

- What about your promotion?
- Oh, I quit.

Which is probably just as well
because the girl turned out to be

Gunther's wife. Heh.

- Gunther's wife?
- Cheers.

Last night,
you didn't know what tie to wear,

and now you're running off
with the boss' wife.

You better listen to me, Howard.

You know what I think?
You're moving too fast.

- Better get ahold of yourself. Relax.
- I am relaxed.

All my life, I've been tense
and never knew it.

Potter, I met this girl
and I came alive.

I laughed with her.

I really laughed,
and I made her laugh.

And we danced and I dueled.
I dueled.

[IMITATES ANDRE
SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

- And I bought her a frog. Heh.
- Howard, you're hysterical.

- Heh-heh.
- Better have a drink. Two more.

[CHATTERING]

Well, what are you doing here
anyway?

I came to talk to you.

- Can we go somewhere private?
- What's the matter with right here?

I own the place.
It's as private as our own home.

Yeah, I guess it is.

That's the problem.

We're so public.

Our life, our friends.

That apartment.

There may be things wrong
with our life and our friends,

but there's nothing wrong
with that apartment.

I've got over $300,000
in that little hovel.

It's a goddamn showplace.
Didn't you hear people talking about it?

Well, I left early.

That's right.
Where the hell did you go anyway?

No, I know. Don't tell me.

You had one of your romantic fits
and you went walking in the park

looking for wounded birds.

Let me tell you something,
this is New York City,

and any girl who goes walking alone
at night in the park is not romantic,

she's crazy.
You know what can happen?

I'm sorry but we can't talk here.
I'm leaving.

- You're leaving for where?
- Paris.

Paris.

Paris?

Why is suddenly everybody going
to Paris? Is there a party?

First this maniac
in my Investment Department

who thinks he's a tadpole,
now you.

What has come over everybody?

Just when I'm feeling good,
you decide to drop it on old Ted.

Forget it.
I'm not gonna let you do it.

- I won't let you spoil my day.
- I'm sorry...

I don't wanna hear any apologies.

MAN:
Here, here.

This day is too important to me.

Just remember for the next time
to have more respect

for the other fellow's feelings.

Potter, you're an unhappily
married man.

Well, can't you understand?

Didn't you ever meet a girl
that made you feel different?

Yes.

I never told this to anyone before.

There was this girl.

- Oh.
- She was divorced.

Her name
was Barbara Jo Wilkerson.

She was beautiful. Beautiful.

She was suing her dentist.

Her six-year-old son's dentist actually,
and I was representing the dentist.

I'll never forget the first thing
I ever said to her.

Yeah, what? What? What?
Heh-heh.

"Mrs. Wilkerson,

my name is Potter Shrader
and I'm Dr. Zimmerman's attorney."

That's it? Oh.

The first thing
I said to Catherine, I said:

"Hi. Brubaker's the name.
Buy you a drink?"

- You know what she said...?
- Howard, Howard.

- Howard, will you please let me finish?
- Oh, yeah.

Anyway, one thing led to another
and for about three weeks,

I was feeling the same way
you're feeling now.

I was gonna leave Mimsy
and the twins.

We were gonna run off
to Wyoming

and get married and raise horses.

What do you know about horses?

What do I know about the law?
I was gonna read a book about it.

Also, how to play guitar.

Oh, you were gonna learn
how to play?

You see, we had this little story
we'd act out.

She was a saloon hostess
and I was...

I was the Sundance Kid
who carried her off.

I'm a frog and she's a princess.

Yeah, I'd saunter into her saloon...
We called it the Golden Garter.

And I'd say,
"Give me a double whiskey, please."

- Right.
- And she'd say:

"Is that all you think about, Kid?
Whiskey?"

And l... See, I had a drinking problem
in those days,

and this was kind of good therapy
for me.

And I'd say:

"Oh, no, little lady,

I've got something else
on my mind too."

HOWARD:
Yeah?

And then she'd smile.

Oh, my God, Howard,
she had such beautiful teeth.

Wonder why she never took her kid
to her dentist.

And then she'd say:

"Oh, yeah?

Well, show me, Kid."

And then I'd...

I'd...

Oh, my God, Howard,
you don't know what it can be like.

I do. I've been trying to tell you.
I've got it with this girl.

I even prepared a speech for Mimsy.

It was as long as a brief.

I memorized the key words
and wrote them down on index cards.

The night I was gonna drop it on her,
I called her into the room and I said:

"Hold onto your hat."

Then I reached into my pocket.

Well, you know what they say,
Howard.

You never lose anything
you don't really wanna lose.

- Hm?
- Mm.

So the next day,
I made out a new set of cards

and dropped them on Barbara Jo.

- It's not the same thing.
- Have an affair with her.

HOWARD: Will you shush?
- There's nothing shameful.

Maybe there is, but it's better
than breaking up a family.

Potter, this is not an affair.

That's what Barbara Jo
and I used to say.

Don't you ever regret letting her go?

Every time I see a horse.

But there's certain things
that a person has to sacrifice.

Oh, I've been doing it,
sacrificing for 12 years, 12 years.

Only thing Phyllis and I talk about
are the Hortons or the Cranshaws

or carpenters and plumbers.

Irv and Sally Plummer?

We're having dinner with them
tomorrow night.

Well, I'm not. I'm going to Paris.

You draw up the papers,
give her everything,

and I'll send you the address
where you can send the bill.

POTTER: Howard. Come back.
Let's have a drink and talk this out.

I haven't got time.
I wanna see her again before we go.

POTTER:
Howard.

HOWARD: Let go, Potter.
POTTER: What will you do there?

- How will you live?
- I'll teach dueling.

- Don't do it.
- Let go!

She's not worth it.

You'll be sorry!

Call Barbara Jo!

- If you want to change your mind...
- What, are you kidding?

You don't wanna
change your mind, do you?

No. I feel very... Very certain.

- You happy?
- Yes.

Me too.

Yes.

Well, I'll see you at the airport.

Yes.

[ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS]

Goodbye.

We do say a lot of goodbyes.

[CHATTERING]

Thank you.

He didn't make it.

You didn't do it, buddy.
I knew you wouldn't do it, I knew.

Could I have a Scotch and water?

He was gonna run off
with some French cookie.

I told him not to do it.

- Why not?
- Huh?

They were going to Paris.

What's her name?

- Who?
- Your French cookie.

I don't think
that's any of your business.

Oh, that's no attitude, pal.

Just because she shot you down.
Give your buddies a chance.

She didn't shoot me down,
and I'm not your buddy.

- I don't know who he is.
MAN 1: Scotch and water.

Howard, this is Matt Benson.

- Matt Benson, Howard Brubaker.
- How do, pal?

Now, what about
this bimbo's number?

She's not a bimbo,
and I'm not gonna give you her number,

and I am going to Paris tonight.

Heh, sure, pal.
That's what I tell them too.

But this train only goes to New Haven.

Hey, that's good.

That's... Heh.
This train only goes to New Haven.

[LAUGHING]

MAN 2:
Let me have a Scotch on the rocks.

You can't go to Paris
in this train, buddy.

This train only goes to New Haven.

I'll tell you what, pal.

I'll make you a trade.

Gina Hernandez,
half Basque, half Italian.

I don't want any
half-Basque Italians.

This train doesn't go to Italy.

Okay, I'm reasonable, pal.
You wanna go to the A material, huh?

- Okay. Heh-heh-heh.
MAN 3: Make mine a rock and rye.

Tabitha Sternowski,
Greek and Polish.

Belly dancer.

Also yodels.

[YODELING]

Look, I...

What's the use? Excuse me.

BENSON:
Unreasonable.

Well, we'll have another smash
and we'll talk about it, all right?

I'll have another one here.
This guy here. Make it a double.

LESLIE: Oh, darling.
- Dearest.

Now the first thing
I want everyone to do

is to keep calm.

Where's Cath?

You poor kid.

You know,
when Les told me about this, I said:

"I just don't believe it."

I mean, if two guys like you and Ted
can't make it,

what hope is there
for the rest of us?

- Right, fella?
CATHERINE: Mm.

I'm sorry to cause all that trouble.

- Trouble? Trouble?
- Oh, trouble?

How can there be any trouble

between sensitive people
who understand each other?

Les is right, Cath.

CONDUCTOR:
Darien.

Darien.

[TRAIN WHEELS SQUEALING]

All right, oh, here we are.

- Dorinda Ustafian.
HOWARD: Hm?

Part Armenian, part Chinese.

Knows rope tricks.

No.

Okay. Okay. Oh! Oh!

Almida Van Hooten.

Dutch and Byzantine.

- Makes her own chocolate.
- No, thank you.

You don't understand.
I'm going to Paris with this cookie.

- This train don't stop at cookie.
- I'm a reasonable guy.

All right. All right.

I'm gonna level with you, huh?

I'm gonna tell you something that
I have never told anybody in my life.

Not even my analyst.

- I've got a thing for foreign girls.
- Yeah.

It's probably because
I don't get to do much traveling.

Listen, you want my wife?

She's from Iowa,
but you get a couple of drinks in her,

she can get pretty happy.

LESLIE: Catherine,
as your friend and neighbor, heh,

and also as a concerned
and sensitive person...

Oh, Leslie, please leave me alone.

I realize you're only doing
what you think is best,

but no one else knows
what's best for anyone else.

Oh, come on, guy.

Les has helped a lot of fellas.

Listen. If you touch me again,
I'll give you a sock in the eye.

Now get out of here,
both of you.

Ooh.

Come on, sweetheart.

Let's go down to the old courts,
smack the old ball around a bit.

Everybody thinks I'm with a client.

- Know where I'm at?
- No.

A foreign movie.

It doesn't even matter
which country.

CONDUCTOR:
Bridgeport!

- Bridgeport? I live in Darien.
- I live in Stamford.

- What about your pal?
- Fairfield.

Fairfield. That's right. Just give me
a little nudge when we hit Fairfield.

Third time this week I've missed it.

I don't think
they announce Stamford.

Let me hear you call Stamford.

CONDUCTOR: Bridgeport!
BENSON: See what I mean?

HOWARD: Come on.
CONDUCTOR: Bridgeport.

[TRAIN WHEELS SQUEALING]

ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]:
Your attention please.

This is the 7:15
arriving at Bridgeport.

This is the last stop.

- No passengers...
- Hey, 7:15 already.

- It'll be almost 8 before I get home.
- I gotta call her. Hey, watch him.

Catherine? It's okay.
We're gonna get a cab.

Bridgeport. I missed my stop.
It's all right, we'll get a taxi.

- Let me talk to her.
- Brubaker, are you all right?

Hello, baby. This is Matt Benson.

Don't worry. We're gonna get a taxi.
Don't worry about anything.

- Where do you work, sweetheart?
CATHERINE: Brubaker? Brubaker?

- I can't hear you.
- What do you think of fried bananas?

Everything is just fine.

BENSON: Do you like?
- This train don't stop at cookies.

[LAUGHING]

I know a nice Filipino joint.

HOWARD:
Don't worry. We'll get a taxi.

BENSON:
You work downtown, baby?

I promise, I'm gonna tell Phyllis
and everything will...

Would you like some gum?
Chocolate? American nylons?

I won't be late.
I'll see you at the airport, Catherine.

Come on, get out of here.
I've gotta get a cab.

Taxi!

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

I'll write you from Paris.
Thank you, Potter.

Think nothing of it.

Hey, there's Mimsy's car.
Mimsy's here.

We're gonna have dinner
with you tonight. Let's go to dinner.

- Look, you don't understand.
DRIVER: What's happening?

Will you keep the meter running?

Hey, Benson!

- Wait a minute!
- Oh, let him go.

Let's go to dinner, Benson.
Dinnertime, buddy. Dinner.

[BENSON SINGING INDISTINCTLY
IN FRENCH]

Where are you going?

Shh.

Back door.

Give us a chance
to freshen up a bit.

Mimsy's got this thing
about drinking.

She thinks I'm an alcoholic.

But there are a lot of stages
of becoming an alcoholic.

First, there's your morning drinker,
then there's your secret drinker.

Potter, watch out for the steps.

We keep saying we're gonna fix...

[CLATTERING]

[BARKING]

That must be Howard.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

POTTER:
At a certain point,

you reach a plateau
where you become a problem drinker.

Seriously, Howard,

you don't think I drink too much,
do you?

I don't think you drink too much.

Me and my goddamn ambition.
That's all I think about.

Well, a person can change.

To hell with the money.
We've got enough of that.

Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna spend
three days a week at home.

We'll just lie around,
listen to records.

Get to know each other again.

I don't want to lie around
listening to records.

Well, then we'll go out,
sit in the park.

Get drunk.
Hang around the museums.

Remember how it used be?

Ted, please don't try to charm me.

Charm?
If that's what I have, I'll give it up.

Everything I have
means nothing to me without...

Cathy, you want me
to sell the Rockets?

No, they're not standing between us.

Twelve of the roughest,
toughest men on ice.

Sure champions.

But I'll give them up just like that.

No, it's too late.

When there's no love...

Love?

What's love got to do with it?
This is the 20th century.

Last night I met two people

and they are still in love
after 35 years of marriage.

It was in their eyes.

And this afternoon,
I saw what was in your eyes.

It was surprise.

No, it was disappointment.

After two years of marriage,
you were sorry it was me.

Don't say that.
Even if it's true, don't say that.

- You know how bad it makes me feel.
- Me too, but we have to face it.

- We face it together.
- No.

Cathy, you remember
the little blue apartment

with the bed that squeaked?

We had it once and if you've
had it once, you never lose it.

- It's like riding a bicycle, Cathy.
- No. No. But that's not love.

- Then what was it?
- It was... It was attraction.

Fine. Fine.

I'll settle for that.

Cathy, you attract me
and I attract you.

Don't deny it. You know it's true.

Cathy, we chose each other.
We married each other.

- We need each other.
- No, Ted. Please.

Cathy, I need you
more than anything.

I know I don't show it, but it's true.

Cathy, you're so beautiful.

- Oh, no. Please, Ted, no.
- Cathy.

It's gonna be just like it was.
Only better, much better.

I promise you that. I swear it.

[POTTER GRUNTING]

Phyllis.

I have something very important
to discuss with you.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Okay, cards on the table time.

I don't blame you for being angry.

It's strange.

Somehow I always knew
that you'd find out about it.

I must have been mad
to risk losing you for...

She really meant nothing.

Just a mildly attractive dietician.

I was worried about gaining weight
and she had this exercise program.

It only lasted a few weeks.

What can I say?

I'm weak.

- How long have you known about it?
- I didn't know.

- You didn't?
- No.

But it doesn't matter.

What do you mean it doesn't matter?

Of course it matters.

I just confessed here
when I didn't have to.

And you're still leaving?

Yes. I'm sorry.

Wait a minute.
Wait just a damn minute.

Now I understand. You're not playing
with some fool, you know.

I know a bit
about human psychology.

If you're not leaving
because I have someone else,

then you must have someone else.

- Yes, but it's got nothing to do with us.
- Ha-ha.

I knew it. Who is it?
I have a right to...

Never mind.
Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.

The fact that there's somebody else
is bad enough.

To come all this way

only to lose to someone else.

I feel like Adlai Stevenson.

You remember what he said
in 1956?

He said he was too old to cry,

but it hurt too much to laugh.

Heh. Please, Ted.
You didn't even vote for him.

- You're a Republican.
- Then I'll change parties.

CATHERINE:
You can't change my mind.

GUNTHER:
There must be a way.

I'm not good with words.
Tell me what to say, I'll say them.

There aren't any words now.
Only goodbye.

What did he say?
What did he tell you?

He said I was a princess
and he was a frog.

GUNTHER:
Brubaker!

[BENSON SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

[BENSON HUMMING]

- Phyllis, I've got to talk to you.
- Hm?

Congratulate me, Howard.

- Why...? What...?
- I sold the house. Forty-eight five.

The realtor has the check,
the tenants are moving in next week.

And, Howard, do you have any idea
what you look like?

Yeah. I was up all night.

With whom? A woman?

Yes. A girl that I met. And...

Don't lie, Howard. We've known
each other too long for that.

MIMSY: I said,
"Don't take more than one drink."

You said to me, "Mimsy, I will not
take more than one drink. I promise."

Now, this is very unfair of you.

Potter, I have warned you about this.

[POTTER SNORING]

Phyllis...
Will you listen to me, Phyllis?

I met this girl at the party,
and we got along very well,

- and, well, she's married too, but...
- Did you get her name?

Yes. Catherine.

Good. We'll have them over
as soon as we're settled.

"We'll have them over
as soon as..."

I don't think you understand, Phyllis.

[BENSON HUMMING]

MIMSY:
Potter, get this drunk off me!

That drunk is my friend.

Don't be cross.

I can't stay for dinner
because I'm going to Paris tonight.

I've quit my job and I'm leaving.

Phyllis, I'm leaving everything.

Okay.

I'd hoped to tell you this
under more pleasant circumstances.

I didn't wanna use it as a way
to make you stay against your will.

What are you talking about?

Well, Cathy,

it's not just the two of us
that we have to consider anymore.

Well, why?

We're going to have a baby.

You know how many divorces
I handle a week?

And every time, I say:

"Oh, Lord, this time, let it be mine."

MIMSY: I forbid you to go near
the twins in your present condition.

Our marriage is a bust.

It's been in big trouble for years.

I thought we'd discussed that, Howard,
and we decided it was not my fault.

She forbids me.

She forbids me.

Me, the master of the house.

The husband, the man, the lawyer.

The alcoholic.

Half the time, we're arguing,
the other half, we don't speak.

On the average,
we're compatible.

On the average,
our life is one big empty blech!

Oh, speak for yourself, Howard.

I happen to lead
a very full and active life.

I have my house work,
remodeling, Stanley,

community activities, social functions,
hobbies, intellectual pursuits.

But no love.

There is no love between us.
I don't think we even like each other.

Howard,
you're too emotionally-oriented.

Stanley, dinner.

Dinner, everyone.

His name is Andros.

He's a little Greek boy
who lives in Athens with his parents.

I've subscribed
to the full foster parents' plan,

which is $250 a month.

Whenever we go over to visit, we can
see him. When he gets old enough,

- he can write to us.
- Ted, it's...

I've been thinking about it
for quite some time.

This afternoon, I decided.

The time had come.

- Don't you wanna see his picture?
- It's sweet,

- but I don't consider a foster child...
- Catherine.

I can't believe it's you talking.

Think of little Andros growing up
in a broken American home

without a foster mother
on the very day that he's adopted.

Ted, will you ask the driver
to go a little faster, please?

An alcoholic, huh?

Well, I'll show you
what this alcoholic's gonna do.

I'm gonna drive Howard
to Paris tonight myself.

To Barbara Jo Wilkerson.

Who's Barbara Jo Wilkerson?

Somebody who loves an alcoholic.

Let's go, buddy. It's Paris time.

[BENSON SINGING IN FRENCH]

[GROWLING]

PHYLLIS:
Howard.

[POTTER GRUNTING]

If you go out that door now,
you can consider it a trial separation.

POTTER:
Come on.

I'll drive.

It's 9:00. Can you make it?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding, buddy?

You're still saying no to me
and little Andros?

Ted, you're shouting.

You're saying no to me
and yes to that maniac?

Ted, please. You're shouting.

I know I'm shouting!

I like to shout!

What's the matter?
Doesn't Brubaker ever shout?

Look out!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Potter!

Take it easy, Howard.

Easy does it.

The French
are a very relaxed people.

You sure you don't want me to drive?

POTTER:
I don't even wanna discuss it.

Just relax
and leave the driving to us.

Right, Benson?

My coat.

Your coat what?

It's caught in the door.

My hand too, I think.

- Well, open it up.
- No!

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Announcing
Flight 14 now arriving at Gate 8.

Passengers arriving from Flight 14,

you may now claim your luggage
at the baggage claim area.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Trans World Airlines
announces the departure of Flight 83

from New York City
to Kansas City.

GUNTHER: Can't you check him?
CATHERINE: No, he's going with me.

Potter!

CATHERINE: Reservation
for Mrs. Gunther, Flight 850.

- Thank you.
- Do you have to go tonight?

Couldn't you make it tomorrow?

Look, we could go out and have some
dinner at our funny little Italian place.

We don't have
a funny little Italian place.

We don't? But... Then we'll find one.

Everyone should have a funny
Italian place at a time like this.

- You're just acting...
- I know. I know.

I'm a sore loser. I always have been.

That's why I'm a big winner.

Cathy.

Do you understand, Cathy?

Thank you, Mrs. Gunther.
You're boarding now.

Thank you.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CLATTERING]

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Boarding now, Flight 710.

Mrs. Price. Mrs. Jessica L. Price.

Please use
the nearest courtesy phone.

Mrs. Price...

This is the final call for Flight 19.

Now ready for departure at Gate 9.

POTTER:
We'll get you there, buddy.

- We'll get you there.
- Keep your eye on the road.

MAN [OVER PA]:
Will Mr. Howard Brubaker

please report to Gate 8?

POTTER: We'll get you there.
BENSON: We're gonna make it.

[IMITATES ENGINE REVVING]

Look out, fella.

MAN [OVER PA]:
Will Mr. Howard Brubaker

please report to Gate 8?

[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

POTTER:
We'll get you there.

[GRUNTING]

POTTER:
Go, go, go.

[POTTER AND BENSON
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[BENSON SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

ATTENDANT:
Hello.

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