Original subtitles

♪ Love can't go wrong

♪ With a girl like this

♪ Like Cupid's arrow

♪ This love just can't miss

♪ Your love it makes me

♪ Feel like a million dollars

♪ You make feel like

♪ A full bright scholar

♪ Love can't go wrong

♪ With a girl like this

♪ My ship's come in

♪ Love is on the list

♪ Red flags they may wave

♪ Gale winds I may brave

♪ But love can't go wrong

♪ With a girl like this

♪ Your love it makes me feel

♪ Like a million dollars

♪ You make me feel like I'm Ginger Rogers

♪ Love can't go wrong

♪ With a girl like this

♪ My ship's come in

♪ Love is on the list

♪ Red flags they may wave

♪ Gale winds I may brave

♪ But love can't go wrong

♪ With a girl like this

- Gregory, really you flatter me so.

Let's just see what Gregory thinks of this.

Oh, I think Gregory is gonna like this.

Yes, I do.

Evelyn,

darling you are divine.

- I'm sorry to be quitting on you like this, Mr. Carmichael.

I really should've given you notice,

but life is changing.

- No two week notice, no pay.

You know you kids are something else.

Everybody wants to chase their dreams

while I'm stuck in this place.

- It's not going to be the same without you here, Lon.

You'll come back to see a movie or something.

This isn't the last time I'll see you, right?

- I was hoping to say goodbye to you.

Of course not.

I mean the new Annie move's coming out soon, right?

- You know it is.

You won't forget me will you?

- I can never forget that.

That face it's quite a nice face

quite the structure.

Here.

- Go get yourself a sweater

'cause your uncle keeps this place way too cold.

- I'm not taking money from you.

- It's not from me it's from my dad.

Think of it as a gift,

and there will be a lot more soon.

- I don't want you money or your pity, Lon.

It's fine.

I'm fine.

- Please.

- No.

- Fine then be stubborn.

- Spending your daddy's money.

Is that his wallet too.

- The Schumacher's are moving up in this world

Mr. Carmichael just you watch.

- Not as long as your daddy's alive.

He was as tightfisted as they come.

Every family has its miser.

- Well, he's pretty close to death right now,

Mr. Carmichael.

- Oh,

I didn't know.

I thought those were just rumors.

Well, don't I feel like a heel.

Give him my best.

- I gotta get out of here, Sarah.

I'll be back on...

When do we get the new Annie?

- Lonnie, you can't let my uncle get to you.

That's just who he is.

- Nah, it's fine.

Besides I'll see you later.

- Promise me you will.

I mean I'll miss you.

- Shelby, what are you doing?

- What does it look like I'm doing?

- Well, I mean why aren't you in the shade

or under an umbrella or something?

This looks miserable.

Shelby, this is warm.

- Yeah, I know.

- Actually it's not even warm.

It's hot.

- That's what happens

when you don't have a portable fridge.

- Well, what about a cooler filled with ice?

- I don't have one of those either.

- So buy one.

- What do you think I'm selling root beer for.

- For a cooler?

Okay, now I've heard everything.

Here take this.

It's from my dad.

- From your dad?

Now I've heard everything, but I couldn't.

- Take it.

- Since it seems so important to you.

- My goodness, Mr. Frieze.

Gregory, you scared me.

- Forgive me.

But it was you who startled me.

Evelyn, Evelyn, Evelyn,

I dreamt about you last night

in those early morning hours.

I didn't expect you here so soon.

Of course I had hoped.

- Oh, last night

Last night, Gregory

did you mean all of those things that you said to me?

Tell me that you did.

Tell me that I wasn't dreaming.

- Darling.

- I had to come and touch you

and feel you and just prove to myself

that you are real.

That we are real.

That last night meant as much to you

as it did to me.

Oh, it's as if I'm alive.

It's not just because I...

It's not just because we...

No, no it's not that.

Gregory, I want to know everything about you

if you wear socks to bed

on cold winter nights,

if you prefer fiction or nonfiction,

if you are Earl Grey man.

- Darling.

- What's wrong?

- I'm not in the habit of seducing married women.

- I know.

No of course not.

- I made an exception with you, Evelyn

and not just because of your generosity.

And those golf clubs are a terrific.

No, no, I made the exception because of your husband

and his condition.

Everything on track with that, right?

- Gregory, you asked me this last night,

and I told you everything was on track then

and everything is on track now.

His death is imminent.

I'm surprised I haven't gotten a phone call

with the news by now.

- I'm sorry to badger you truly I am.

You've been such a long suffering woman

a saint really a beautiful

- Wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's something.

I have something I want to give you.

How about that?

In case you want to surprise me

with flowers.

Tulips are lovely.

Or chocolate.

I prefer dark.

- But your son?

- Lonnie.

He sleeps like the dead,

and besides it's only until you and I can make more

permanent arrangements.

- Oh, my.

I didn't mean to interrupt.

I am looking for a shawl.

How long till you close?

- We close in eight minutes.

- Here let me help you with that.

What are you doing out here, Shelby?

- Well, I was selling root beer.

- This is certainly the day for it.

- Which is why I thought

I would have more than one customer.

- Take this.

Then you can say you had two customers for the day.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Let's not get all sappy about it.

Consider it a gift from my husband

for your entrepreneurial endeavors.

How's your grandmother, Shelby?

I heard she was ill.

- She is.

- I'm sorry.

Will you give her my best?

- I will.

- Mrs. Schumacher, your flag.

- Oh, you keep it, Shelby.

♪ Well, baby what I couldn't do

♪ With plenty of money and you

♪ It's the root of all evil

♪ Of strife and upheaval

♪ But I'm certain honey

♪ That life would be sunny

♪ With plenty of money and you

- So I guess that means you still love it.

- It's brilliant.

- But let me guess you're waiting another week.

- Hell no today is the day.

- Good.

I've had the contract drawn up for a month now.

- And I have the signature.

My father should've been a doctor for how legible it is.

- Even better let's get this thing finalized.

By the way I've got a surprise

for you waiting in the office.

- Do you now.

- How many hours have you put in helping others

and volunteering in the community

not to mention raising a son?

No, no, no that is no excuse.

No excuse.

It is not fair making a wife beg for every penny.

Making her live on rummage sale leftovers

and giving her a budget that a cloister nun

couldn't live on much less a wife and a mother.

Didn't I tell you not to marry him?

- You did, and

and you were right.

He's stingy there's no doubt about it.

But he was thoughtful when we first started dating.

Do you remember that time

when he came to my door step

with fresh red roses?

- And you hate red roses.

And he swiped those from the Garcia's garden.

- He didn't know.

- And he still doesn't know.

Evelyn, he doesn't know a thing about who you are.

- Well, he should know we've been married

for two and a half decades.

- What did he hijack for your last anniversary?

- Roses.

- Look sweetie I don't blame you.

It's not your fault.

I blame your mother.

You know her neighbor that bank teller woman

that couldn't keep a secret

if it was pinned to the under side of her bra.

Well, if she hadn't told your mother

about his growing bank account,

your mother would've slammed the door on him

and those damn roses.

- Well, it's almost over now.

The doctor gave him a day,

I mean hours really.

The next 25 years

should certainly make up for the last 25.

Don't say anything yet, but I think that

Gregory is gonna ask me to marry him.

Listen, Trudy

I have got to stop procrastinating.

I'm on my way over to the hospital to say goodbye to him.

- Well, be sure to tell him that I said good riddance.

- A city slicker came in yesterday offered to pay me cash.

- Not that you would've sold it to him.

- Oh, make no mistake, Lonnie

I am available to the highest bidder.

- Margot, in a couple of days

I'm gonna be out bidding every one of them.

- And as of now you still have all my affections.

Are you ready for your surprise?

- Here, now

in broad daylight?

- It's a print, Lonnie

a print.

- No.

You didn't.

- Oh, I did.

Lonnie Schumacher, may I present you with

an original and signed Patrick Van Spencer

commemorating one of the greatest musicals of all time.

- I've never seen anything like this.

It's breathtaking.

The minimalism is innovating,

inspiring, and thought provoking.

- Well, the artist is clearly a genius.

- Clearly.

But what musical was it from?

- What kind of dolt are you?

Grease.

- Oh, right, Grease.

Margot, I don't know what to say.

I owe you so much.

- Yes, you certainly do,

and I'm getting tired of waiting.

♪ Who knows

♪ It's only just out of reach

♪ Down the block on the beach under a tree

♪ I got a feeling there's a miracle due

♪ Gonna come true coming to me

♪ Could it be, yes, it could

♪ Something's coming something good

- Well, you're looking rather refreshed, mother.

- Thank you.

You're looking particularly vibrant too.

Looks like it was good for both of us to

get out of here for a little while.

- What are you wearing?

- Milan something or other I don't know.

I saw it in a magazine.

- How much did it cost?

- Oh, no, nothing yet.

It's sort of like cloying,

like gardenias in a funeral home.

Let's not order any gardenias when the time comes.

- Good point.

We'll, get something cheaper

or just skip flowers all together.

It's the way dad would've wanted it.

- You're not going to believe

what I'm about to tell you.

- Go ahead you can tell us

because we prepared for this moment.

- But that's what I'm trying to tell you.

His tumor was growing at a rate of

over a centimeter a week.

This week that rate had even increased.

By my calculations today,

tomorrow at the very latest.

Well, as you know there was no way to operate on it

not where that monster was located.

- We know, we know.

- And that's why we're so darn prepared.

- I don't think anybody could be prepared for this.

- Trust us we're exceptional people.

- He's dead already isn't it, Dr. Rogers?

You can tell us.

- Quite the contrary, Mrs. Schumacher.

Your husband is going to live, Mrs. Schumacher.

A few hours ago he went into a brief

yet violent spasm so I ordered another MRI.

We didn't know what we'd find,

but never guessed at what we did find.

That tumor has all but disappeared.

I've never seen anything like this.

The man is a walking, talking miracle.

You'd think it was Christmas.

- A miracle.

- A miracle.

I myself have never seen one before.

Though I did hear about a case at Pine Hill Medical

where a woman who had been paralyzed was walking.

- We get it.

He's a miracle,

a walking, talking 4th of July miracle.

Whoo-hoo.

We get it.

It's wonderful.

When do we have to see him?

- If it isn't my two favorite people.

Evelyn, you're looking as well groomed as usual,

and, Lonnie, you're looking as scruffy as usual

you little rascal you.

I know what it is they don't know the news.

- Well, you better fill them in.

- Lose that frown.

Evelyn, throw glumness out the window, sweet cakes.

I am a walking, talking,

4th of July miracle.

I'm gonna live for a whole lot of years.

Oh, it is my lucky day.

- The last nurse did not indicate

the color of your urine this afternoon.

Is it currently running clear or yellow

on a scale of one to five?

- Well, let's see.

It's clearer than molasses in the fall,

but it's not quite as clear as the air

on a morning in the spring.

- Dad, are you on drugs?

- Just the drug of life,

limb, and pursuit of happiness.

- Okay, on a scale from one to five?

- Oh, two.

- This is

so great.

- I know it's hard to believe, mom

but just think all of our prayers have been answered.

- You guys have been praying for me?

Hey, thank you Lord for taking the time

out of your busy day to answer my family's prayers.

- Last bowel movement?

- On a scale to one to five

10.

- The time of the event?

- An hour ago.

- Very good.

Very good.

It's been interesting, Mr. Schumacher

very interesting indeed.

I wish you the best of luck.

- Of course we've been praying, Herby.

We've practically worn the floor out

with our pacing and our praying.

Never ever expecting this day to come.

You have to forgive me if I seem a little stunned.

It's just that

It's just that

well with the disappearance of the brain tumor

we've just never seen you this exuberant before.

- Well, you know if you've been

as close to the river sticks

and that money grubby ferry man as I've been,

you can really see the wonder of this world.

Evelyn, I'm a changed man.

I am overjoyed to be alive.

- You certainly don't seem like the

man that I left last night.

- You know,

when you guys came in here I lied.

You don't look great.

You look like hell.

It must have been hard on you guys.

Me being away so long, and

you thinking this was the last day.

You know what I wasn't gonna do this,

but let's celebrate.

Let's go all out.

- You mean at like a restaurant?

- Yeah, where else I mean not gonna be any

cooking for my sweetheart tonight no sire.

- Where do you wanna go?

- The nurse gave me a coupon for 40% off

at the Chinese restaurant

that's just a few miles from our house.

It is our lucky day.

Isn't this grand all this food,

all this time we're spending together?

If you noticed,

I splurged on a second box of kung pao chicken.

- We were supposed to go out, Herbert

to an air conditioned restaurant.

- Out?

When we can be here

in the comfort of our own home

with all of this.

And don't think I didn't notice

that you all had the air on either.

But it's back to normal now.

That hospital was frigid.

I can't imagine what their electric bill comes to.

Just about got a sinus infection.

It's a good thing I got better when I did.

- What would we ever do without you dad.

- Evelyn.

- Of course it's Evelyn who else would it be?

How many women have you phone number?

- Three, but two are related to me.

- Sorry, Gregory.

I'm not even making any sense.

It's because

something has gone terribly wrong.

The hospital waiting room doctor came in,

and then 40% off Chinese food

and hospital slippers.

- Evelyn, stop.

You're really not making any sense.

- I'm sorry, Gregory.

It's just because there's no sense to be made.

No sense at all.

- Just

Just meet me at the usual place in an hour.

I promise everything will work out okay.

Okay?

- Okay.

Okay.

I'll meet you there.

- Please, please, please, please, please pick up.

Why aren't you picking up?

Why aren't you picking up, Margot?

Please pick up, please, please, please.

You picked up.

- Yes, unfortunately I did.

What do you need?

- It's over.

All of our dreams are over, Margot.

- What do you mean?

- Hey, we have enough leftovers

for dinner tomorrow night.

It's our lucky day.

- Can't talk here.

We have to meet and for heavens sake

let's make sure it's someplace cool.

- You are not getting in my bed, Lonnie.

Stop asking.

- Cut it out this is important.

- Alright fine.

We'll meet.

Meet me where you first met me.

You remember where that is don't you?

- Of course.

- Good then I'll see you there

in how ever long it takes me to get ready.

- Order up.

- I took the liberty of ordering you a beer,

but it looks like you could use a tranquilizer dart.

What's so terribly wrong?

- This is serious, Margot, and it effects you too.

- Nobody could've foreseen this.

- What?

What is it?

- But it's the reality we'll have to deal with.

- What is it?

- The doctor called it a 4th of July miracle.

But really it's a--

- Disaster for my independence.

- Would you please just tell me what is going on here?

- Herb isn't dead nor will he be anytime soon.

- My dad's brain tumor disappeared faster

than a BMW on the auto bond.

There go my plans.

There go my dreams.

I was gonna open up something

I don't know a business or something.

I didn't get two minutes to think about it.

- He'll out live me I know he will.

There never will be any white sand wedge between my toes

or warm turquoise waters caressing my shoulders.

Living with him was hard enough before,

but now after having tasted of you, Gregory,

of love

- I said order up 10 times.

How many more times do I gotta say order up?

- Reign your in, Joe.

I've only got two hands.

- I just can't go back to that life.

He doesn't love me not really

not like he loves his money.

- Get yourself together woman.

There must be some mistake.

That tumor was the size of a Granny Smith apple.

Something like that can't just disappear.

- On the contrary apparently it can.

- Evelyn,

we've come too far.

- We've got dreams yet to dream you and me.

- Which is why this little miracle--

- Is going to be turned into a tragedy.

- Hey, Josepe you might wanna put out some more poison

if you wanna get rid of the big rat.

- Hey, don't Josepe me or I'll Josepe you.

I'll take care of it after we close.

- Better put out one of them industrial boxes.

- I gotta go, Gregory

before Herb gets suspicious.

Buying day old bread can only take so long.

- Margot, I'm too tired to think about this anymore tonight.

- Evelyn, you heard the waitress.

We have a rat

and that rat needs to go.

You know what you have to do.

Call me when it's over.

- You've got to keep your head in the game, Lonnie.

You heard the waitress.

Rat poison there's no other way.

- I don't know.

- Go on home, Lonnie.

Get your beauty sleep.

- Rat poison you buy it at the drugstore.

It's the only way you and I can have a future.

- Phlopsey's.

- It was my mother's shop.

God rest her soul.

- So she just gave it to you?

- But why talk about her.

I want to talk about this beautiful swan like neck

and how it cries out for diamonds

to encircle its elegant circumference.

- Well, I wanna talk about these shoulders,

these arms, these hands.

They should be gripped around a leather stirring wheel

with cruise control that tilts in every direction.

- After you.

- I did not know that water came in that color.

Trip like that probably cost a fortune.

Okay.

Two points.

She must have won you at bingo.

- Herb.

Herbert,

where are you?

Herbert.

- Hi, when did you get home?

- Why didn't you answer me?

Go back in there get ready for bed.

Herbert, I can explain.

- There's no need to explain, darling.

You were just simply checking our assets

making sure that everything was right.

I'm glad you were able to get along so well

when you were alone.

- Well, I have had Lonnie.

- Hey, did you catch the Cubs last night?

Whoo-hoo.

- You know he's not as incompetent

as you make him out to be.

- Well, he's certainly not a chip off of this old block

if only he were.

- You two have more in common than you know.

And he is plenty capable.

- Sure, he's 23 years old.

He still lives at home because what?

They won't pay him what he's really worth

at the movie theater.

That's no reason to question his competence.

- Don't be cheeky.

- Me cheeky.

- Yes, you.

You know you should've encouraged him more

when it came to going to college.

- I did encourage him.

- You tried to strong arm him

into being a Phoenix graduate

so you could save a buck.

- It's a legitimate school.

- Not for a musical theater major.

Okay, look what we've done for him?

Zip, zero.

We named the poor boy Lonnie

after your grandfather for Pete's sake.

He deserved more from us

if only to make up for that.

- What we should've named him

after one of your crazy Hungarian relatives.

- How many times do I have to tell you

they're not Hungarian. - Besides

he's already accomplished half of his life's goals.

He works in the movie theater, doesn't he?

- You are impossible, Herbert.

You are never gonna change.

You could've done so much good with your money

for your family, for the community.

I should've earned my own money.

- For what?

We have plenty.

We're walking in tall clover.

- But you choose to hide it all away

for some imagery golden years.

- Our golden years and they are not imagery.

They're right there at the front door right now.

You know just a half an hour of ago

I was thinking of taking you to a beautiful beach.

- Oh, sure like you were gonna take me

to a restaurant tonight.

You are impossible.

I need some air.

You have been a miser your entire life, Herbert.

I see that now.

And it is because of you

and your backwards way of thinking

that we are stuck living in the dark ages.

Well, no more.

- You've been good to me, Lord

really saved my skin this time.

And I suppose I should say thank you so thank you.

And another thing, Lord

be with me today as I go through our family finances.

Also let there be no surprises today

nothing that would poison our fireworks

or celebrations for me or my family.

Amen.

Lonnie.

Evelyn.

Evelyn.

Evelyn.

Is everything okay down there?

- Everything's just fine dear.

- It's Margot from the restaurant last night.

I believe you mentioned the exquisiteness

of my neck if I remember correctly.

- Of course.

Margot, Margot, Margot

I dreamt of you

and those explosive green eyes of yours last night.

- Really.

- Would I lie?

- I don't know would you?

- No, but I guess you'll have to take my word for it.

- Well, I don't know about that.

Gregory,

I couldn't help but notice

that we had a second meeting last night.

- Not the most romantic spot in the world.

- And I wondered if you might be there

for the same reason I was.

- And what reason is that?

- Insurance.

- Not the most romantic word in the American Lexicon

but certainly interesting.

- That's what I thought last night

as I replayed the whole scene in my head

as I lay alone in my great big four poster.

- The words are becoming

more romantic by the second.

- But you still haven't answered my question.

- Which was?

- Why were you standing in aisle three

of the drugstore last night?

- Was that shampoo and hair color?

- I'm hanging up in three.

- Don't bristle I was just having a little fun with you.

I was there for insurance too.

A man has to protect his investment.

- Is that all she is to you?

- What?

- An investment.

- Does it really matter to you

or are you just having fun with me now?

- It matters.

It's silly I know.

And I'm not prone to silliness.

But it matters.

- Years from now when we're sailing our yacht

through the azure waters of the Mediterranean

we'll reminisce how it all began.

- And I have the perfect name.

- For what?

- Our yacht.

- Oh.

- Aisle three.

- Oh.

- Oh, articulate and hansom.

- So I'll see you this afternoon.

- Maybe you will maybe you won't.

- Well, I'm picking out a tie right now.

- You should.

- You know maybe today I won't wear a tie.

- Oh, very brave.

- Nobody treats me better than you, dear.

Think I'll look at the bills first take a walk later.

- No, you can't.

- What she means to say is that the doctor

the doctor told you to go on a walk every day

hot sunshine or rain.

And well look at this temperate morning we have.

- And your circulatory system has

been ignored for far too long, Herbert.

- I suppose you're right.

Heaven knows I don't wanna end up

back in the hospital again.

- Don't forget these.

- Thank you.

- What's that?

- Just a little snack for your father.

- But I packed him one too.

♪ Who'd a fed the richest cat

♪ The golden macaroni

- Enjoy.

- I will.

- He really wasn't that terrible of a father.

I mean everybody has their flaws, right?

- His flaws are killing us, Lonnie

squeezing us.

Rationing the air that we breathe until I'm left

gulping at what little remains.

I just can't take

not anymore.

If he doesn't die, I will.

- Mom.

- I'm serious, Lonnie.

So save your sentimentality.

You can eulogize him till your heart's content

in a few days.

As for now I need some help getting into that bank account

make it seem a little less suspicious when he goes.

Lonnie.

What do you think you're doing?

Lonnie.

Come back here.

Lonnie.

Lonnie.

Lonnie.

Lonnie.

- Here ducky, ducky, ducky.

I know you're gonna like what I've got here.

But it is mostly pure fat and sugar

and too much sugar could kill you

at least that's what Nurse Pruitt used to tell me

when I'd ask for a

- Herb, is that you? - Second brownie.

Marty,.

Marty, hey it's good to see you man.

It's been a long time.

See you my friend you are looking good.

- Me.

Look at you.

The last I heard

you know things weren't going well.

- Well, you know they tell me I'm the equivalent

of a Christmas miracle just six months early or late.

- So was it the whole brain thing?

- Yes, but good as new.

- You know,

my sciatica's been acting up.

- Oh, is that right.

- Yeah, I'm thinking about taking early retirement.

- Oh, well, it worked out for me.

Although I didn't really have a choice.

When the plants merged some of us had to go.

But fortunately I had just enough savings

that we could make it.

- Savings what's that?

You know those women work against us all the time.

They need, need, need.

Underwear, socks, shoes,

sandals, high heels, flats, boots.

- Are you gonna help me correct this password or what?

- He keeps it taped under the desk.

- What?

- He keeps his passwords taped

on a sheet of paper under the desk.

It's also got our social security numbers,

shoe sizes, birthday cake preferences.

- You have got to be kidding me.

How long have you been keeping this little secret?

- Since I was like four.

I didn't know it was a secret.

It's where I used to play

so I could be close to him.

- Well, why didn't you tell me?

Do you know how much time I have put

into trying to find this password?

- Can't read minds, mom.

You've kept me out of this room

since the day dad was put in the hospital.

How was I supposed to know what you were doing in here?

- I swear if you hadn't been bared straight

from my loins I'd have a maternity test.

Look at this.

- How many hours of over time

have we put in for those women

for our families and what do we get?

We get a tie on Father's Day,

and sandals for our birthday,

and a statue for Christmas.

Whoopee.

- My favorite color is not chartreuse.

- Evita is not one of my favorite musicales.

He can't keep stuff like that straight.

Look at this one Chinese zodiac.

I was not born in the year of the rat.

You were.

- I thought I was a snake.

- Whatever what does any of it matter.

- You know there sure is a lot of

useless junk for sale in the world.

- There sure is.

- What gets me is that some general manager

somewhere in some factory decided

that this piece of crap was worthy of manufacturing.

Somebody thought that this was a good idea.

- And somebody like my wife or your wife

put down some hard earned cash and what does it do?

It just collects dust.

- Goodness checking account is low.

- How low?

- Not sure but it seems like

overdraft covered some charges.

- I didn't know we had overdraft.

- The bank gave it to your father without charging him.

Probably knew he'd never use it.

- Well, why did it kick in now?

I don't know.

I'm gonna transfer a $1,000 from savings.

If your father had seen this,

I don't wanna think about that.

- Maybe we should let him see it.

Maybe then we wouldn't have to

poison him. - Lonnie.

- What don't yell at me.

- Oh, my god, oh, my god.

- Myra's turned me into a slave for our stuff.

Women.

- Maybe your wife but not my Evelyn.

She is as prudent as they come.

She runs a tight ship.

She doesn't go in for all that frilly nonsense either.

Nah, no not my Evelyn.

- My god. - What.

What, what is it mom?

Mom, what is it? - Oh, my god.

- 2842.

- What do you mean 2842?

- $28.42

that is what is left in the savings account.

- Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

There must be some mistake.

We had half a million dollars in this account.

- Oh, my god, oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

- I can't open our closet

without one of Myra's needs falling out.

When I ask her about it she says,

"Oh, that old thing.

"I've had it for ages."

- You know I did discover something strange the other day.

The closet you say?

- Dad is gonna kill you.

- Me.

I didn't spend that money Mr. Sports Car.

- I didn't have access to that account

Ms. Diamond Earrings.

- Pearl.

And those accounts are linked that's what overdraft is.

- No, it still doesn't make any sense.

I only put a down payment on that car.

There is no way that we went through

half a million dollars in three months.

- It always starts in the closet.

You'll find bags and wrapping paper

and price tags that have been hastily ripped off

and shoved into unusual places.

Check your shoes.

- My...

I will.

- He's gonna eat those donuts and cookies for nothing.

There's no money left.

- But there's nothing that we can do about it.

He's probably eaten every last morsal by now.

You know what an appetite your father has.

Thank you. - So it's over?

- It's over

except I've got a phone call to make.

- I think I do too.

- Was that Lonnie?

- Who else.

- I'll give you three guesses

as to who was just calling me.

- Evelyn, Evelyn, Evelyn.

- You're a million.

- We both will be soon enough.

What crisis do you suppose those two are having now?

- Oh, Gregory, Herbert has just insufferable.

I can't figure out the rat poison.

It's just not cooperating.

- Margot, oh Margot

give me the world wrapped in a big red bow.

I'll be taking a nap.

- They're weak.

- They talk a big game,

but when it comes right down to it

- They're not gonna go through it with are they?

- Of course not.

- How much money is at stake here?

- Well, from what Lonnie's told me an easy couple million.

- I knew it.

Evelyn was cagey about the exact number,

but we can't let this slip through our fingers.

- No.

- I think it's clear.

We've gotta take care of our own pest problem.

- We do.

- Go big

or go home.

- To insurance.

- Insurance.

- Margot.

Margot, open up.

Margot.

Margot, open up it's important.

- Gregory.

- You're sure Herbert's favorite pizza is

pineapple, sausage, and feta cheese?

- That's what Lonnie said.

He'd pick one up every half price Tuesday

to take to his father in the hospital.

- They're not here.

- Well, what do we do now?

- Not to worry.

- You know red looks good on you.

- Well, it is the color of love.

You know I don't use the word love often.

Do you know how beautiful you are?

- I am.

- You don't need to wear this wig.

- What I don't...

What wig how did you?

- Here will you hold this?

- Yes.

Yes, I will.

Just hold on please

I have very delicate hands you know.

- You startled me.

I'm getting into the spirit.

Can I help you folks?

- We're so sorry.

We didn't mean to startle you, Mr. Schumacher.

- It is Mr. Schumacher correct?

Because that is the name that we randomly drew

for a 4th of July deluxe pizza pie.

- This is my lucky week.

In lieu of a tip I'm gonna go upstairs

right now and give you guys a glowing Yelp review.

- Don't let that pizza get cold.

- I wouldn't think of it.

- Mr. Schumacher, you enjoy Italian sausage,

pineapple, and extra feta on your pizza, right?

- Ma'am, I never met a free pizza I did not like.

- Good.

- Thanks a lot bye, bye.

Pizza, whoo-hoo.

- Dad.

Dad.

Dad, don't eat those cookies.

- It's too late.

- The police have probably already

taken his body to the morgue.

- Can they trace rat poison?

- What the heck?

- I'm exhausted.

- Yep,

me too.

- Well, if it isn't my two most

favorite people in the world.

Evelyn, you're not looking as well groomed

as ever this evening my dear.

Lonnie, same goes for you.

Okay, you two listen.

Have a seat, sit down, take a load off.

The fireworks are about to begin.

- Italian sausage,

feta, and pineapple my favorite.

I'm famished.

This feta is amazing.

- I thought Italian sausage, feta,

and pineapple was dad's favorite.

- Huh, no, no.

I thought it was yours.

I prefer mushrooms and onions myself

but that is beside the point.

- In local news residents enjoying a

4th of July afternoon stroll

came upon a bizarre sight at O'Reilly Park.

At least two-dozen squirrels lay dead

on the west end of the park.

The CSI official who was called into the scene

said he never seen anything like it.

- They were laid out like in two

concentric circles surrounding the garbage receptacle.

It was like some miniature toppled Stone Hinge or something.

- However that's not the only strange

element in this incident.

All the squirrels were reported to have remnant

of jelly donuts and cookies hanging

from the sides of their mouths.

As a result both squirrels and sweets

have been taken to the Piedmont Lab for testing.

- I'm gonna need a little Alka-Seltzer here before too long.

Son, have some pizza.

I'm sorry I could not wait till you got home.

- Are those new pajamas Herby?

They're very nice.

- They're scrubs, Evelyn.

Scrubs.

The nurse acquired them for me.

- That's my pop.

Always saving a penny.

- That's more than I could say for you

and you.

- What on Earth are you talking about?

- This is what I'm talking about your outrageous spending

when I was in the hospital dying from a massive brain tumor.

It took me a long time to figure out

all of those expenditures but I got them.

- I only spent money on

basic household needs.

- Basic household needs, huh.

- Okay, well, maybe one or two extras

but that is no reason to get upset.

I couldn't help myself, Herbert.

I was just feeling so distraught.

The thought of you being in the hospital

and just dying a little more each day was

- Really.

Did the diamond earrings help?

And how about the sports car?

- Pearl.

And the sports car was him.

- Oh, and how about the

professional teeth whitening kit?

- Her.

- And a time share

in Detroit?

- It seemed like a good investment at the time.

Hey, at least I didn't join the stamp of the month club.

- Okay, I'll admit it I'm into philately.

But listen, Herb, we are not responsible

for the loss of all of that money.

Sure we spent a little here and a little there,

but there is no way that we burned through

a half a million dollars in three months.

- Dad.

- No, no, no, no stop it.

Haven't you done enough already?

Harmonica lessons, skeet shooting,

hair waxing

Irish linen boxers,

polarized sunglasses,

golf clubs.

Who in the hell

plays golf in this family?

Lifetime theater tickets to the Kennedy Center.

- Dad, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'll sell everything.

I'll sell all of it.

- We bought all that?

I had no idea I spent that much.

I truly did think it was just a little bit here

and a little bit there.

My goodness.

Who knew money could go that fast?

- I worked for that money, Evelyn

I did without, I gave up things.

And now, now look at us.

We are a joke,

a very bad joke.

Evelyn,

last night you called me a miser.

And I'm beginning to think that you were right.

All my life I was saving for one thing or the other.

First, it was marriage.

But did I give you the honeymoon you wanted?

- Herb, I had a perfectly great tan in Death Valley,

and that was the cleanest Motel 6 we've ever stayed in.

- And then it was for a baby.

But there too I made you cut every single possible corner.

Like making you buy those second-hand cloth diapers.

- What a great conversation starter

that turned out to be at the laundromat.

- I should've bought you a washing machine and clothes line.

- Don't give it another thought.

I mean Lonnie and I have very fond memories

of looking for quarters and dimes in the sofa.

- And now it looks like our golden years are gone too.

If only some good

could've come from my money.

Something meaningful, you know.

Son, don't let that pizza go to waste.

Son, go get your father a cool wash cloth

and some ginger tea.

♪ Party's over

♪ It's time to call it a day

♪ They've burst your pretty balloon

♪ And taken the moon away

I do hope the good Lord can forgive me.

- Speaking of forgiving

Herbert, there's something I have to tell you.

I had

I had an illicit,

immoral,

passionate affair

but only once.

- How much did that cost?

- Everything.

- Ice cold root beer on such a beautiful day

now that's what I'm talking about.

Hey, listen I heard about your grandmother.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry.

Real sorry.

- It's okay.

She got one last 4th of July.

She said it would feel like a miracle

if she could see the fireworks one more time

with her cataracts and all and she did.

- Hey, is your sister working?

Don't you go anywhere.

I'm gonna be right back for one of these.

- Here you go.

- Well, wonders never cease.

- Come on, Sarah.

- Oh, don't you come on Sarah me.

You said you'd come back to see Annie and it came and went.

to bad reviews I might add and no Lonnie.

- That's not fair we both had a lot going on.

- I know.

I was really sorry to hear about your mother and father.

Do they know what happened?

They said there was a rash of it going on.

Look what happened to those poor squirrels.

It's all so mysterious.

- They say it was some sort of food poisoning

likely the feta cheese in the pizza.

If only my father hadn't been such a big eater

or my mother hadn't liked Italian sausage,

feta, and pineapple so much.

It was her favorite.

I was very sorry to hear about your grandmother.

- It's okay.

She's in a better place.

- That's for sure.

Speaking of being in a place.

I'm in a pretty bad one myself.

I really need a job.

I've looked everywhere.

I don't suppose your uncle

would give me back my old job?

I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't desperate.

- Yeah, that job's gonna, Lonnie.

But I hear the manager's job is open?

- Are are you serious.

Did your uncle retire?

- Not exactly.

He quit.

- Why?

- My grandmother left the theater to the three of us

as long as we didn't sell it.

She loved the theater.

I guess my uncle worked all those years

waiting for us to sell it and cash in.

- Whoa, what do you know.

Today must be my lucky day.

Can you forgive me, Sarah?

- I don't know I'll have to think about it.

- Please.

- I don't know.

♪ Daisy, Daisy

♪ Give me your answer do

♪ I'm half crazy

♪ Falling in love with you

- Oh, fine, how can I stay mad at you.

Hold on I have something for you.

I found these on Ebay.

- It is my lucky day.

- Well, what do you know.

Lonnie, this place could use some musical theater

don't you think?

I mean we have that huge stage in theater one.

Maybe we could start a workshop

on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

♪ It won't be a stylish marriage

♪ I can't afford a carriage

♪ But you'll look sweet upon the seat

♪ Of a bicycle built for two

- Stop it, Patricia.

We don't have the money.

- But you promised.

I haven't seen my sister in almost 4 years.

- I wasn't counting on us needing a new roof.

- It's always something

when I wanna go somewhere.

- Patricia, please.

- I think you plan it that way on purpose.

- You're acting like a child.

We'll save for it again.

- And then the car will need a new engine.

No, wait that was last year.

Just be honest, Robert.

There will never be enough money

to do the things I wanna do just say it.

- Patricia, that's just not so.

- But, hey, about that blond woman.

The paper says that she got Phlopsey's

when the owner high tailed it to Tijuana.

She sold his ties kept the hats and jewelry

and is apparently donating the building to the homeless.