All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S43E23.Tina.Fey.and.Nicki.Minaj.HDTV.x264-CRiMSON

[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, my god, Mr. President,

welcome.
Is it just you?

No, I'm meeting some friends.
Okay.

Great.
Well, let me know if you have

any questions.
I do actually.

Is hpv different than HIV?
I'll give you a minute.

♪♪♪
♪ just a small town girl

living in a lonely world
she took the midnight train

going anywhere ♪
♪♪♪

Hey.
Hey.

How you doing?
So, Rudy, did you go on fox

news last night?
Like 20 times, yeah.

And don't worry, I told them you
were openly colluding with

Russia, but then I ended with
"so what?"

So it should all be fine.
Thanks, Rudy.

I even confessed to some
crimes you didn't do.

I said, what are you going to
do, arrest the president?

I dare you.
Okay.

I think they get the point.
Rudy, I really appreciate

everything you've done for me.
Hey, you're the best and last

client I'll ever have.
Michael cohn.

There's my guy.
So how was work today?

Ah, you know, really bad.
Mostly just preparing to go to

jail and stuff.
They said I might get 20 years

unless I give you up.
I heard jail's fun.

Fun?
Yeah, like camp.

Plus a free gym.
Dude, you're going to get so

jacked.
Hey, they even have a program

in jail where you can get a real
law degree.

Ha-ha-ha!
Well, you can always come

visit.
I would, but -- golf.

Anyway, you've got to focus
on the good times.

Isn't that what you told me
once, boss?

I did.
Yeah, remember, that's why

you told me to keep a copy of
that Russian pee tape.

Oh, I gotta remember to show
that as a clip on CNN tomorrow.

Don lemon's going to love that.
Hey, whatever happens, I'm

proud of you, Michael.
Thanks, I love you, too.

I didn't say that.
Don Jr.!

Hey, dad.
So where's Eric?

He's still parallel parking
outside.

Dang it.
You know, I couldn't think of

three people I'd rather be with
here tonight.

My best son, and two of my last
15 lawyers.

Hey, to a great first year of
the Russia investigation.

And many more.
Dad, maybe tomorrow I can

show you the Chinese deal we
didn't talk about.

Yeah, yeah.
That sounds great.

Is that Robert Mueller?
Oh, good news.

You know that woman who's suing
you for groping and defaming

her?
I found a guy who's willing to

threaten her kids.
That sounds great, Michael.

Am I the only one that sees that
guy?

I think I figured out a
loophole where they can't

legally subpoena you.
Okay, have you heard the phrase

"faking your own death?"
Sure, Rudy.

We can look into that for sure.
Dad, are you okay?

♪ Don't stop believing
hold on to the feeling

streetlights people ♪
♪♪♪

Live from New York it's
"Saturday night"!

"Saturday night"!
♪♪♪

Announcer: It's "Saturday
night live"!

With --
Beck Bennett, aidy Bryant,

Michael che, Pete Davidson,
Leslie Jones, Colin jost,

Kate McKinnon, Kyle mooney,
cecily strong, kenan Thompson,

featuring --
Mikey day, Heidi gardner,

Alex moffat, Luke null,
Chris redd, Melissa villasenor,

musical guest --
Nicki Minaj.

And your host --
Tina fey!

♪♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen, Tina fey!

♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you, guys.
It is great to be here hosting

the season finale of "Saturday
night live."

We've had a lovely time here
this week.

In fact, I realize it has been
20 years since I first started

working here.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah.
I got here on Monday.

People on the crew came up to me
in the studio and said welcome

home.
It made me feel so bad that I

didn't remember their names.
Also, yesterday was my birthday.

[ Cheers and applause ]
I turned 60.

Not really, I just say that so
that people will be like, "wow,

you look amazing."
Since it is my birthday this

week they said I could do
anything I wanted for my

monologue, so I would like to
take some questions from the

audience.
So does anyone have a question?

Yes.
You, sir.

Yes, hi.
I have a question.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Do you think that the show has

too many celebrity cameos these
days?

I'm worried the cast isn't
getting a chance to grow.

I agree.
Yeah, I think actually it kind

of hurts the show a little bit.
Thank you.

You, sir?
Yes --

no, I'm sorry.
I was pointing at the guy behind

you.
Hi, yes.

Is kenan Thompson on the show
tonight?

Yes, kenan will definitely be
on the show tonight.

He's great.
Have you ever thought about

replacing Keenan with a slightly
more famous person?

Could be fun.
I'll pass it along.

Thank you.
Anyone else?

Yes, over there, sir.
Uh, never mind.

He already asked my question.
Okay.

Yes, sir?
Yeah, hi.

I just wanted to ask.
[ Cheers and applause ]

With all the makeup, could you
tell that I was Robert Mueller?

Yes, Mr. De niro, we knew
that was you.

Okay, okay, because that's a
big break for me.

Oh, hey, Fred armisen is
here.

Hi, buddy.
Hi, Tina.

Yeah, I have a question.
Do you think it's weird that so

many former cast members hang
around the show all the time?

There does seem to be a lot
of us.

Does it seem weird to you?
I think it's great.

Yeah, but, doesn't part of
you feel like when we come back,

we take up time that should go
to the new people on the show?

You know what, that's a good
point.

I guess, I shouldn't take up all
that time that new people could

be using.
You look great, by the way.

Oh, thanks.
You look great, too.

Thank you.
I'm on this new program.

I'm walking a lot.
Trying to have more of a regular

sleep schedule.
Drinking a lot of juice.

That sounds really healthy,
Fred.

Oh, it's so important.
Next time you're in L.A. I'm

going to take you to my juice
guy.

He's Brazilian, only speaks
Portuguese.

And he does this thing where he
puts a lot of the pulp of the

juices.
So you get more of the fiber.

Otherwise you're just getting
the sugar and the water and

that's not enough.
The fiber is really what your

body wants.
I'm sorry, what was I talking

about?
Oh, yeah.

So the new people should have a
lot more camera time, yes.

Over here, yes.
Hi.

So that was actually Robert de
niro?

Yes, yes, it was.
Wow.

Yes?
Over here.

Yeah, hi.
Me, again.

I was just wondering how come
you haven't asked me to play

anyone on the news.
I live right down the street.

Yeah.
That's a great question.

I don't know why they haven't
asked you to play someone on the

news.
I'm not in charge of that.

What about Steve mnuchin?
People say I look a little bit

like him.
Do you want to play

Steve mnuchin?
I don't know who he is, but

if I look like him, you know --
it would give me something to

do.
Okay, well, there's a sign-up

sheet in the hall.
Anyone else?

Yeah.
Hi.

I was here a couple of weeks ago
and I forgot my hat.

I think I left it in the host
dressing room.

I think I saw it.
I'll try to get that back to

you.
Okay, cool.

But just so you know, I have a
system in place so I'll be able

to tell if you wore it or not.
Okay.

Well, if there are no more
questions, I guess we are done.

[ Cheers and applause ]
No, we are not, Tina.

If you thought I was going to
forget to surprise you on your

birthday, you are crazy.
On behalf of everyone here and

everyone watching at home or at
a bus station, happy birthday,

Tina fey.
Oh, thank you, Tracy.

[ Cheers and applause ]
My birthday was actually

yesterday.
Well, surprise, girl.

And if your man doesn't make you
feel special today, I will.

If your man doesn't give you
what you need today, I will.

You're friends with my
husband Jeff.

You worked together for a long
time.

Nah.
When it's birthdays all bets are

off.
You're 60, baby.

That's gross, but I love you.
I love you, too, Tracy.

All right, we have a great show
tonight.

Do you know who's here?
Who?

Nicki Minaj is here.
Nicki Minaj is here?

Yeah.
I'm going to get that

pregnant.
Stick around.

We'll be right back.

[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪

♪♪♪
what's up?

It's your boy, Harry windsor,
aka Ron sleezeley.

Official wedding video 2018.
It's 2:00 A.M.

Royal reception still going
strong.

Meghan's in the hallway trying
to stop some of her white

relatives from getting in
because they're mental.

Let's see who's hanging out,
right?

Everybody's here.
What about you?

What's your name?
Deshaun.

I'm from Meghan's side of the
family.

Kind of figured that.
How are you feeling?

Outnumbered.
Sister-in-law, Kate

middleton.
You look a little tipsy.

For the last six years I have
been pregnant the whole time.

I'm going hard tonight.
I can tell.

How much have you had to drink?
One glass of champagne!

Whoo!
Lightweight.

There he is.
Prince Charles himself.

So, father, are you proud of
your youngest son?

Yes.
Anything else you'd like to

say?
No.

All right.
Look at this.

Meghan's great uncle talking to
my grandmum, the queen of

england.
Hey, Harry.

I was just telling her majesty
she's got to start watching "the

crown".
They make her look like a bitch

on that show.
Girl, they done you dirty.

I see.
This gentleman has also said I

must I visit Philadelphia.
Yes.

You've got to visit Philly, man,
and get some real food.

Some Philly food.
Little drunk.

Good luck with that.
Get a shot of my brother

William.
The party animal right here.

He looks 50 years old.
Oh, hello.

William, what are you drinking,
mate?

A virgin hot toddy.
So a tea then basically.

So sorry to hear your hair could
not make it.

Oh, ha, ha.
Brilliant.

What a brilliant boy.
Let's have a dance.

Wills, come on.
It's my reception.

Could bust a few grooves.
There you go.

Oh, yeah.
Work it.

There you go.
Look at that.

All right.
Grandmum saw that.

Bollocss.
That's all right.

It's my fault, grandmum.
My fault.

I must apologize.
Let's go see the cheap seats.

We'll say hi to the rando table.
Every wedding's got one.

People you invite show up.
Even though you think they

wouldn't.
All right.

How are you doing?
Friend of Meghan's?

I'm Amber.
I worked with Meghan on "deal or

no deal."
We were briefcase girls

together.
I brought my briefcase.

You did.
She brought the briefcase.

That's not sad at all.
Very cool.

Love it.
Let me guess, you're from the

groom's side.
Yes.

I'm the duchess of Devonshire.
Your father's uncle once removed

married my mum who is his
cousin.

I am both your aunt and your
niece.

Love it.
Last I saw you, you were a

wee boy.
Just after a Polo match in --

stop saying that.
I was kicked in the face by a

horse.
Oh, aunty creepy.

Dad used to say if we were bad
we'd have to come live with you.

Right he was.
I'm a monster and a bit of a

pedophile.
Okay.

Wish you weren't here.
Thank you for coming.

Here's your hat.
That's concerning.

All right.
The celebrity table.

Russell brand right here.
Hello!

All right.
That's all.

And sir Elton John.
♪ hold me closer, tiny ginger ♪

Because of your hair.
Very clever.

Are you enjoying yourself?
Look at my jacket, Harry.

I'm having a wonderful -- ♪
Saturday, Saturday ♪

He's singing the hits
already.

An American celebrity, Ms.
Leslie Jones.

Tell everyone why you're here.
Yeah.

So I started tweeting about the
wedding two days ago.

Then I got invited.
Just like the Olympics.

That's my thing.
I might be at the North Korea

meeting.
We'll see.

Where's Oprah at?
There she goes.

Oprah!
This is wild.

Look what's going on over there.
Aunt creepy!

No.
Okay.

She's a pedophile.
All right.

I need to stop Deshaun from
making the worst mistake of his

life.
Royal wedding 2018.

Prince Harry markle signing off,
right?

Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪
♪ we're living ♪

♪ in a world of insanity ♪
good morning.

Good morning.
That's an original song by who?

Who?
Moi.

Joe scarborough.
It's called "world of insanity".

Mika loves it.
Everybody already knows this,

but Joe has a band.
That's right.

We're called scarborough.
We played it Friday.

The audience was packed with
msnbc interns.

Welcome to "morning Joe."
It's like "crossfire" if it took

place in the cafe car of an
amtrak.

I'm Joe.
That's Mika.

Joining us is Norman Rockwell
painting come to life Willie

geist.
Good morning.

We have a great show for you.
Mika has added two new

exasperated groans to her
repertoire.

Don't do it.
Watch this.

Devin nunes says members of the
FBI.

Gaah.
I love that one.

Very nice, Mika.
Very nice.

I cannot do this.
All right.

Now Trump said anyone who didn't
vote for Gina haspil isn't a

feminist like he is.
[ Shrieking ]

All right.
That tea kettle is about to

blow.
The hypocrisy is

unparalleled.
There she goes.

In this and every other time.
I can't and I won't and I --

[ screeching ]
She's got a third

groan, but that's for daddy
only.

Isn't it?
Would you stop?

You're horrible.
You're worse.

Willie geist.
The white house still hasn't

apologized for the outrageous
remarks about senator John

mccain.
It's outrageous.

I can't.
Kelly sadler made a comment

about John mccain who is very
sick.

Unconscionable.
Joining us now is a woman who

has been very hurt by all of
this, Megan mccain.

Hi, Joe.
Hi there.

Megan, such a pleasure to have
you on.

Now these comments about your
dad are frankly disrespectful.

Vile.
What's your reaction here?

Well, I --
from where we're sitting your

dad is a hero.
Truly.

The man was tortured for six
years.

I have his picture on my
fireplace.

Tell us what you are feeling
right now.

I --
because I would be --

me, too.
I would be outraged.

You're holding up great.
You're amazing.

Megan mccain, thanks for
joining us.

Hang in there, okay?
She's a peach.

Beautiful woman.
Well, you know, she's no Mika

mouse, I'll tell you that.
Yeah?

That's right.
You want to play peekaboo

with your Mika mouse?
You bet I do.

Yeah?
Peek.

A.
Boob.

Mama cita.
That's okay.

Well, the senate has released
thousands of pages about the

June 2016 meeting between
members of the Trump campaign

and Russians who said they had
damaging information on Hillary

Clinton.
Wow.

President Trump said he knew
nothing about the meeting.

I'll bet.
Uh-huh.

Here to help us explain all this
is the Russian lawyer who was

there Natalia.
Greetings, Joe and Mika.

I'm so happy to clear this up.
So Don Jr. thought you had

secret information on Hillary
Clinton.

That's collusion, isn't it?
No, Joe.

They say this meeting is
illegal.

It's so ridiculous.
It makes me laugh hysterically.

Ha, ha.
Did Donald Trump know about

the meeting?
Of course not.

The meeting was top secret held
at an undisclosed location at

Trump tower three floors below
the apartment of Donald Trump.

So the meeting took place in
Trump tower with Donald Trump's

son and Donald Trump knew
nothing about it?

When you say it like that it
sounds like idiot, but yes.

Tell us exactly what happened
in that meeting.

It was harmless.
I go to Trump tower.

It's a beautiful place.
The stores, shops that sell

Cologne and fancy chocolate.
It's like a very tall duty-free

store.
We went to meet with Don Jr. who

is a mysterious man.
You don't know where his chin

ends and his neck begins.
Then the meeting begins with the

customary Russian gift -- oh, my
english isn't good.

The rectangle with money.
A bribe.

Then I say my name is Natalia.
I am a lawyer who can help make

Mr. Trump lots of money from
Russia.

They say we have one of those
named Michael cohn.

Then they leave.
Easy meeting.

Very fun.
No one was poisoned.

Well, I guess that settles
it.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Let's take a break.
As we go out here's a preview of

Joe's new single "circus fun".
Available on iTunes, gang.

♪♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
Nicki Minaj.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪
♪ ay yo

look like I'm
goin' for a swim

dunked on 'em ♪
♪ now I'm swingin'

off the rim
she ain't comin'

off the bench ♪
♪ while I'm comin' off

the court full drenched
here go some haterade

get your thirst quenched ♪
♪ style'd on 'em

in this burberry trench
these girls copy every word

every inch ♪
♪ but gang gang got the

hammer and the wrench
I pull up in that quarter

milli off the lot ♪
♪ oh now she tryna be

friends like I forgot
show off my diamonds like

I'm signed by the roc ♪
♪ ain't pushin' out his

babies 'til he buy the rock
ay yo I been on

chick you been con ♪
♪ Bentley tints on

fendi prints on
I mean I been storm

X-Men benz foreign ♪
♪ he keep on dialing Nicki

like the prince song
I been on

chick you been con ♪
♪ Bentley tints on

fendi prints on
ay yo I been north

Laura been croft ♪
♪ plates say Chun-Li

drop the benz off
oh I get it

they paintin' me out ♪
♪ to be the bad guy

well it's the last time
you're gonna see a bad guy

do the rap game like me ♪
♪ I went and copped

the chopsticks
put it in my bun

just to pop -- ♪
♪ I'm always in the top

box seats chick
how many of them could've ♪

♪ did it with finesse
now everybody like

she really is the best
you play checkers ♪

♪ couldn't beat me
playin' chess

now I'm about to turn
around and beat my chest ♪

♪ it's king Kong
yes it's king Kong

it's king Kong
this is king Kong ♪

♪ Chinese ink on
siamese links on

call me 2 chainz
name go ding dong ♪

♪ ay yo it's king Kong
yes I'm king Kong

dis is king Kong
yes miss king Kong ♪

♪ in my kingdom ♪
♪

How many championships
what?

Six rings on ♪
♪ they need rappers like me

they need rappers like me
so they can get on their

keyboards and make me ♪
♪ the bad guy

Chun-Li Chun-Li
New York make some noise

ay yo I been on ♪
♪ chick you been con

Bentley tints on
fendi prints on

I mean I been storm ♪
♪ X-Men benz foreign

he keep on dialing Nicki
like the prince song

I been on ♪
♪ chick you been con

Bentley tints on
fendi prints on

ay yo I been north ♪
♪ Laura been croft

plates say chung-li
drop the benz off

[ cheers and applause ]
I am alive ♪

♪ I'm always sky high
designer thigh highs

it's my lifestyle
I am alive ♪

♪ I I'm always sky high
designer thigh highs

it's my lifestyle
I need a Mai Tai ♪

If you trying to get drunk, make
some noise ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

It's "weekendupdate"

with Colin jost and
Michael che.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.

Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to "weekend update."

I'm Michael che.
And I'm Colin jost.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, Thursday marked the

one-year anniversary of the
start of Robert Mueller's

investigation which is the first
anniversary Trump actually

remembered.
Just ask his wife Melanie.

[ Laughter ]
For those of us following this

investigation it's been an
exhausting year.

It actually ages a person.
Here is a picture of me and che

now.
And here's a picture of us from

last year.
I think with the Russia

investigation ultimately what
you think depends on what you

think of Trump.
It's sort of like when you hear

this --
yan, yan

.
yanny, yanny.

Some people hear "yanny"
while idiots hear Laurel.

[ Laughter ]
And that's how it was with the

Russia investigation.
If you like Trump this is what

you hear.
It's a witch hunt.

That's all it is.
There was no collusion.

But if you don't like Trump
this is what you hear.

I'm getting away with it,
bitches.

[ Laughter ]
President Trump posted a

sarcastic message on the
anniversary of the Mueller probe

saying congratulations, America.
We are now in the second year of

the greatest witch hunt in
American history.

Do you know what?
It is pretty great.

Personally I like how unfair and
mean-spirited it is.

It's not every day a black man
can root for the feds but I'm

enjoying this.
I feel like I'm watching Rachel

dolezad get kicked out of a
Starbucks.

I'm for that.
Rudy giuliani claimed his

legal team was told off the
record of an informant in the

Trump campaign which is
hilarious because he's like a

rapper who sings about the
people he shot, gets locked up

for it and says, yo, somebody's
snitching.

It was reported president
Trump talked to Sean hannity

almost every night before bed.
I never thought I would say

this, but poor Sean hannity.
Can you imagine a worse voice to

hear before you go to sleep?
Just heavy breathing mixed with

the crinkling of cheeseburger
wrappers.

And was that a flush?
Also, Sean hannity is a

journalist.
Imagine Obama was calling

Anderson Cooper every night
before he went to bed.

Anderson can.
I just think hannity loses a lot

of integrity as a journalist if
he ends his night saying, no,

Mr. President, you hang up.
North Korea issued a

statement condemning national
security advisor John Bolton

saying they do not hide their
feelings of repugnance toward

him which I get.
Look at him.

He looks like he still calls
jazz jungle music.

Trump promised protection for
Kim jong-un if he makes a deal

during their meetings but warned
that if talks fall apart he

would decimate them.
You know, real nobel peace prize

stuff.
Reminds me of

Martin Luther King's speech,
dream or nightmare, take your

pick.
[ Laughter ]

New footage was released of
Bill Gates talking about a

meeting with President Trump in
which Trump asked him if hpv and

HIV were the same thing.
Adding, and which is the one

that shows "property brothers?"
[ Laughter ]

And for real, Trump asked this
of Bill Gates on two separate

occasions.
So you know homey got hpv.

Homey?
Jared kushner and

ivanka Trump attended the ribbon
cutting ceremony of the new U.S.

Embassy in Jerusalem, or as they
call a ribbon cutting ceremony

in Israel, a bris.
In Israel, a bris.

This week the senate
released over 2,000 pages of

testimony regarding a 2016
meeting at Trump tower with a

Russian lawyer.
Here to comment are first sons

Eric and Donald Trump, Jr.
yes.

Eric, what do you say when
you are a guest at someone's

place?
I'm sorry.

I missed the toilet.
No, bud.

That's a great start.
Don, Jr., many in the media are

speculating that calls made to a
blocked number before and after

your Trump tower meeting were
calls you made to your father.

This may sound crazy, Colin,
but the dishonest media is being

dishonest.
Eric.

That's a high five, bud.
All right.

Baby steps, buddy.
Colin, as I repeatedly said, I

never spoke with my father about
that harmless little meeting.

Okay.
So you don't remember whose

blocked number that was?
No.

I do.
You said, siri, call dad.

No, I did not, Eric.
How could you possibly remember

that?
I have a pornographic memory.

Bud, it's photographic
memory, okay?

And you don't.
All right.

Let's get back to the meeting
for a second.

Some democrats are calling on
the judiciary committee to

subpoena your phone records.
Yeah.

They need to give it up.
Because there is no collusion

here.
You know, Colin, I'm reminded of

some words of wisdom my father
gave us as boys.

He sat us down, pointed to a
framed picture of the designs

for Trump tower and said --
look at all the hidden

swastikas.
No.

Eric, you want to play with your
play-doh, buddy?

Yeah.
There you go.

Really into play-doh lately.
That's great.

The bottom line -- bud, it's
a whole thing.

You don't know how it works?
Put some play doh in here, push

the lever down.
Come on.

Push it down.
Look at that.

It makes noodles.
Get cooking, chef Eric.

Proud of you.
Great.

The bottom line, Colin, is
this is just another desperate

attempt by the liberals to
undermine all the great work my

father is doing in the white
house.

Eric?
Did you eat play-doh?

No.
Do not eat play-doh.

It's bad for you, buddy.
Spit it out.

There you go.
Well, thanks for stopping by.

Yeah.
I feel it was a success.

Yeah.
This went great.

We better get going.
We have a big day tomorrow.

I'm having lunch with some new
clients from Indonesia.

And I'm going to see "paw
patrol" on ice.

Eric and Donald Trump, Jr.,
everyone.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Earlier today "suits" actress

Meghan markle married some
unemployed dude who lives with

his grandma.
A report found 86% of people

arrested in New York for
marijuana possession are black

or latino.
Well, duh.

We're the only ones they search.
That's like saying the only

people that have stds are the
people that take tests for stds.

We are not the only ones who
carry drugs.

If cops searched white dudes in
cargo shorts prison would look

like a Dave Matthews concert.
You know, people are talking

about needing diversity in
Hollywood.

Do you know where we need
diversity?

Jail.
Forget oscars are too white.

Prisons are too black, Colin.
A new report selected the

fittest city in the country to
be Arlington, Virginia, while

the least fit city was once
again man boobs, Louisiana.

Again man boobs, Louisiana.
The unexpected star of the

royal wedding this morning is
Chicago bishop Michael curry who

delivered a sermon called
unconventional.

Here to explain is bishop
Michael curry.

Hey, Michael.
Thank the lord above.

It is good to be around black
folks again.

So how was it?
Did you see it?

Oh it was tough, man.
Real tough.

I preached.
And I testified.

And I yelled while 500 stuffy
english people looked at me like

I was a fart in an elevator.
[ Laughter ]

And I feel for you.
What did it feel like up there?

It felt kind of like somebody
opened up a chicken and waffles

kiosk in the middle of a pottery
barn.

I was working, Michael.
I'm up there giving my all and a

sea of white faces is just
looking back at me.

And I thought, lord help me,
this must be what it's like to

be Darius rucker.
I take it you've never done a

royal wedding before.
Oh, of course I haven't

Michael.
I'm a black preacher from

Chicago.
The biggest wedding I ever did

was for Scotty pippin.
Despite the crowd your sermon

got great reviews.
Well that's because it was

all about love.
Love is great.

Love is redemptive.
Love can change the world.

And love is what makes a Subaru
a Subaru.

Subaru!
I thought you did great.

Some people thought you went on
too long.

Oh, that's nonsense.
They told me I had five minutes

but the good lord multiplied it
into a cool 16.

You did great and the world
knows your name now.

I'm excited.
When you're a black preacher who

becomes famous you either get
your phone tapped by the FBI or

audited by the IRS.
I'm looking forward to it.

Bishop curry, everybody.
Bishop curry, everybody.

American airlines revised
the guidelines to ban passengers

from bringing goats and
hedgehogs on board as emotional

support animals.
Meanwhile at spirit airlines

it's still a full-on Noah's ark.
A nonprofit group announced

plans to create a library on the
moon.

Cool, said kids in Chicago.
Police in Philadelphia say a

6-year-old girl discovered a bag
of cocaine in another student's

backpack.
The student was bringing the

cocaine in for show and tell --
tell, tell!

That's a nice one.
That's sweet.

Kids want cocaine.
Really sweet.

This is the last episode of
the season.

There were a lot of jokes we
tried and some were deemed too

offensive to do on air.
We decided since it is the

end of the year we are going to
do some anyway.

How about that?
[ Cheers and applause ]

The boy scouts of America
agreed this week to allow girls

into their organization because
somebody's got to sew those

badges on.
Now, again these jokes are

offensive.
That's why we won't tell them on

air.
These are ones we won't be

telling.
A restaurant in Texas has

created a controversy by putting
pictures of Bruce jenner on the

men's room door and
Caitlyn jenner on the women's

room door.
Worse, they called the handicap

door Rob.
You can't do that joke.

You can't.
You can't do that on TV.

Pennsylvania police
arrested a one-armed woman who

was trying to Rob a bank.
Police say the hardest part was

figuring out how to handcuff
her.

Now that's -- that's just you
can't say that.

Pornhub -- this is very
exciting.

Pornhub has released their
parody of the musical

"Hamilton."
in the porn version "Hamilton"

absolutely throws away his shot.
New York daily news published

an editorial calling for new
York to legalize marijuana

saying the current laws
primarily hurt people of color,

but since it is the daily news
the headline read, "pot cigs

catch nigs."
Nope.

Went better than when I did
it.

The plastic surgery obsessed
woman known as cat woman has

filed for bankruptcy.
Don't worry.

From the looks of her, this is
one cat who always lands on her

face.
With weekend update I'm Colin

jost.
I'm Michael che.

I'm Dana milbrook.
Every day, millions of perverts

attempt to buy sex on line.
It's a disgusting industry that

fuels human trafficking and
we're doing our part to stop it.

This is "pervert hunters."
This creep thinks he's meeting a

Romanian prostitute named
svetla.

Let's see what happens when he
meets me instead.

Hello?
Svetla?

Hi there.
Why don't you have a seat?

Uh, wait.
Who are you?

We'll get to that.
What's in the bag?

None of your business.
Looks like beer, condoms,

what's this?
Cookies?

I wonder if they serve jookies
in Kale.

Oh, crap.
Cut!

Cookies in jail.
Sorry.

It's fine.
Hi, I'm Mitch, the director.

Director?
What is this?

You're on "pervert hunters",
it's a show.

The show where they catch
online creeps?

Yeah.
You're the creep we're catching

in this episode.
We need to get that entrance

again.
Oh, god.

Because someone has a big old
logo on that shirt that we have

to blur out.
If we could just zip up that --

oh, yeah.
Thank you so much.

I made a mistake.
I won't do it again.

Please.
Oh, my gosh, I love that.

I love this energy.
Save it.

Let's get the entrance again and
then we can talk about how

you're not guilty.
I'm going to change my

entrance line.
I didn't love it.

Dana, what am I going to
remind you?

Get out of my head!
Thank you.

Pervert, whenever you're ready,
okay?

Ready, and, action.
Hello?

Svetla?
Pervert, remember, at this

point you still think you're
having sex with a prostitute.

No crying.
I'm not like an actor.

You're doing great.
Thanks.

Okay.
No crying this time, pervert.

And action.
Svetla?

Hello?
Perfect.

Svetla will have to take a
raincheck.

Have a seat.
Wait.

Who are you?
Cut.

I'm sorry.
I just want to move you so your

face is towards camera.
I'm sorry.

Actually his face is a little
shiny.

Yeah.
Can we get some makeup?

Oh, my god, this pervert is
sweating a lot.

I'm sorry.
We'll shoot around it.

We have to move.
We're losing light.

And action.
So what's in the bag?

None of your -- I'm sorry.
Can we cut?

I thought it was great.
Well, at this point in the

show I don't know who you are.
Not yet.

I want to do it differently.
Can you give me the line into

it.
Of course.

Maybe do three in a row.
What's in the bag?

None of your business.
None of your business.

[ British k -- accent ]
None of your business.

Just want to give options.
The second one was great.

Okay.
Looks like beer, condoms and --

what's this?
I wonder if they serve cookies

in jail.
Cut!

I was remembering how I
messed it up before.

You're going to get me
started.

I'm sorry.
I have the giggles.

I love that you guys are
having fun.

We need to get this one before
the next pervert arrives, okay?

This is serious.
This is serious.

Okay.
No giggles, you two!

And action.
I wonder if they serve

cookies in jail.
I'll never do it again.

It's just that I'm a lonely man.
I was -- I was weak.

I'm sorry.
Save it for the judge, creep.

And cut.
I think we got it.

Pervert, I really felt something
there at the end.

That was amazing.
Thank you so much.

That save it for the judge line
was amazing.

That's all you.
You brought that line out of me.

Well, I think that's a wrap
on our pervert.

Stop that.
Come on, guys.

Seriously, I'll be watching.
One more time for our

pervert.
Get on the ground, creep!

Hello, it's me.
[ Cheers and applause ]

It's me, the ghost of Sarah
Palin.

Oh, I'm just kidding.
I'm still alive, but you had to

think about it, didn't you?
Here's a refresher.

I was the first female to be on
the republican presidential

ticket and now I get paid to
tweet for bass pro shops.

Take it from me, politics is a
wild ride.

One minute you're on top and
then you're gone in the blink of

a scaramucci.
I have a message for people in

the Trump white house.
Enjoy your moment.

Who knows how long it will last.
♪ kiss today good-bye ♪

♪ the sweetness and the sorrow ♪
♪ wish me luck the same to you ♪

Oh, hi, Sarah.
Hey, Sarah.

Isn't it funny our names are
both Sarah when we are both

classic Beckys?
You've lasted longer in the

white house than most.
All my friends are gone.

It's like "saved by the bell,
the new class" and I'm screech

and I'm still there for some
reason.

Sarah, what if today was the
last day you were working for

Trump.
♪ kiss white house good-bye ♪

♪ and point me to fox news ♪
♪ I did what he said to do ♪

♪ and I might regret what I did
for Trump ♪

♪ what I fibbed for Trump ♪
♪ but I am never gone ♪

♪ yes, and as we travel on ♪
♪ okay ♪

♪ we always remember ♪
♪ okay ♪

Yes, Sarah, how are you?
Oh, Michael wolf.

You were everywhere after you
wrote that book "fire and fury."

When you disappeared.
I'll be back.

I'm writing a book about Jared
and ivanka.

Did you know they're the same
person?

That's why you never see them
together.

Is that true?
Yeah, sure, whatever.

♪ I won't say I lied P.M. the
truth was mine to borrow ♪

♪ I did what I had to do ♪
♪ won't regret ♪

♪ you'll forget ♪
♪ what I did for Trump ♪

Ms. Stormy Daniels,
everybody.

♪ Gone ♪
♪ they wish I were gone ♪

♪ as time travels on ♪
♪ I will be remembered ♪

Check out my Ted talk on the
sexuality of politics or on my

star spangled boner tour.
Howdy, y'all.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, Rex tillerson.

You were fired months ago.
You look great.

Oh, yeah.
Being fired by Trump was the

best thing that ever happened to
me.

I'm the only man to ever go into
a situation scathed and come out

un-scathed.
Trump was the biggest mess I

have ever worked with and I
worked for exxon mobil.

♪ Kiss the day good-bye ♪
♪ and point me toward tomorrow ♪

♪ point him toward tomorrow ♪
♪ you do what you have to do ♪

♪ don't forget ♪
♪ I regret what I did for Trump

♪
♪ what I did with Trump ♪

♪ I would work for Trump ♪
oh, hi, omarosa.

Look, Trump thinks he fired
me, but I fired myself.

♪ Kiss my ass good-bye ♪
♪ and point it towards a book

deal ♪
♪ we did what we had to do ♪

♪ won't forget ♪
♪ can't regret ♪

♪ what I did for Trump ♪
♪ what I did for Trump ♪

Nothing wrong with doing
"dancing with the stars."

Just don't do a quickstep on the
first week.

It's too darn hard!
♪ what I did for Trump ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Once again, Nicki Minaj.
[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪
♪ ice watch

woah woah
bad

poke it out ♪
♪ woah

poke it out
poke it out

woah ♪
♪ bad

poke it out
poke it out

poke it out ♪
poke it out

poke it out
poke it out ♪

♪ new watch
ice watch

check it out
check it out ♪

♪ new glock

poke it out
poke it out ♪

♪ air it out
air it out

showin' off
showin' off ♪

♪ bad bad
walk in that ---

and I walk it out
walk it out ♪

♪ walk in that ---
with a 30 out

she walk in that ---
♪ walk it out

all of these --- wanna
see me now

walk it out ♪
♪ --- that lil' ---

with the --- out
poke it out

I know you see me on ♪
♪ the t.V. Now

poke it out
cardi b looking

like billionaire ♪
♪ I'ma go ---

on a billionaire
poke it out

house in the hills ♪
♪ all of my ---

they gettin' it
poke it out

♪ poke it out
and I go get it

poke it out
ice watch ♪

♪ woah woah
bad ---

poke it out
poke it out ♪

♪ poke it out
bad ---

poke it out
poke it out ♪

♪ poke it out
♪ poke it out

new watch
ice watch

check it out ♪
♪ check it out

new glock

poke it out ♪
♪ poke it out

poke it out
poke it out ♪

♪ poke it out
poke it out

poke it out
poke it out ♪

♪ poke it out
playboi playboi

playboi playboi ♪
♪ playboi playboi

playboi playboi
playboi playboi

playboi playboi ♪
♪ what they on

St. Laurent
matter fact ♪

Y'all, got to turn up.
[ Cheers ]

♪ All of my buddies on ten
all of my moneys in yen

all of my work is sellin
thank you and please ♪

♪ come again yeah
all we know here

is the win
fabulous ♪

♪ gone with the wind
all of this one of a kind

but if I order it
get it again ♪

♪ I see all these
pretend Barbies

I'm beginning to end Barbies
I am Nicki the ninja ♪

♪ harajuku
'member I've been Barbie

Barbie
cover of playboy ♪

♪ in New York I really rock
rocks ask playboi carti

all of these ---
wanna do me now ♪

♪ walk in that ---
with the toolie out

walk in that ---
with the toolie out ♪

♪ killers and robbers
that's Julia

walk in that ---
with my boobies out ♪

♪ wife beater torn like
Natalie imbruglia

you know that I stay
with them great lines ♪

♪ end girls' careers
cut them brake lines

you gon' be an
episode of "dateline" ♪

♪ and end up on the
cover of L.A. times

I just heard through
the grapevine ♪

♪ these little musty thinkin'
they can take mine

you --- chances lookin'
slimmer than my waistline ♪

♪ man that --- been over
since play time

watch flooded yo
I can't even facetime ♪

♪ you gotta face time
for them hate crimes

playboi cardi
hit me on my facetime ♪

♪ with the best feature
out the big apple

since facetime
ice watch ♪

♪ woah woah
bad --- poke it out

poke it out
poke it out ♪

♪ bad --- poke it out
poke it out

poke it out
♪ poke it out

poke it out
poke it out

new watch ♪
♪ ice watch

check it out
check it out

new glock ♪
♪ my glock

poke it out
poke it out

air it out ♪
♪ air it out

showin' off
showin' off

bad bad ♪
♪ poke it out

poke it out
poke it out

poke it out ♪
♪ poke it out

poke it out
poke it out

bad bad ♪
bad bad

♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, guys.

And now, using the raw power
of my right hand I will chop

this board in half.
What if you hit my chest and

my heart stops?
Good point.

Never mind.
We withdraw from competition

because we are afraid.
Okay.

Give it up for Devon and Tyler.
[ Applause ]

Devon and Tyler, two 18-year-old
boys terrified by a piece of

wood.
Ain't that nice?

Now next up is Susan Turner
performing with her mother,

slash, pta majority whip,
Roberta Turner.

Hello, class of 2018.
How we doing, lions?

Roar!
Fun.

Anyway, I'm Roberta.
I'm scissors.

She's Susan.
Don't run with me.

I'll poke your eye out.
Susan's going through a

phase.
I'm sure you parents can

understand that.
No.

My son is his own person.
I respect his choices.

Okay.
Wow, you really left me hanging

out to dry there.
Today we'll be performing the

very same mother-daughter
routine we did at her first

grade talent show.
Oh, my gosh, Roberta, pull it

together.
Okay.

For the record, I wanted to
sing a different song.

The song choice is final.
D.J., hit it!

♪♪♪
♪ I come home in the morning

light ♪
♪ my mother says when you gonna

live your life right ♪
♪ well, maybe I want to live my

life wrong ♪
♪ Bill Gates never went to

college, mom ♪
stop.

Can I speak to you in private,
please?

Okay, okay.
Hey, little mother-daughter

moment here, folks.
They'll be back momentarily.

Some of y'all might be wondering
why is the principal allowing

this to continue?
The answer is Roberta and I have

a sexual relationship.
Yeah.

The phrase no strings was thrown
around a lot in the beginning.

Yet here I am, obligated to
assist.

Isn't sex funny like that,
y'all?

No.
Sex isn't funny.

It's beautiful and sacred.
Okay.

You just disagree with
everybody.

Sorry for the disruption.
I think Susan might be a little

hormonal.
D.j., hit that track.

♪ I come home in the morning
light ♪

♪ my mother says I can't drive
you to the protest, Susan ♪

♪ I have book club.
Mom.

May I speak to you in the
wings, please?

It's like one day we're just
banging.

Then the next it's like, hey,
can you take Susan to school?

You're already going there,
right?

Then it's like, I'm getting
groceries now.

All right.
Now I'm up here making a fool

out of myself.
Why don't we move on to the next

act.
Give it up for Dylan and his

amazing invisible box.
Because I mean the Booty is

worth it, you know.
Like the Booty is worth it.

Okay.
All right.

Okay.
Now, Susan has generously agreed

to cooperate.
D.J., play the song.

Yeah, Brandon.
Play the song.

♪♪♪
you turn this crap off right

this instance.
♪ wake up ♪

♪ put on makeup ♪
♪ why'd you leave the pizza on

the table ♪
everyone is nodding.

I think they love it.
I think I love it.

There's a part for you coming
up, mom.

We're doing this together?
Yeah.

That's what I wanted.
♪ wake up ♪

♪ you want to ♪
♪ why'd you leave it on the

table.
You wanted to.

This is fun.
I like this.

You love "Chicago fire" about
the brave men and women in the

windy city.
You couldn't tear your eyes away

from Chicago p.D.
Now dick wolf is back with a new

drama about another group of
chicagoans struggling in the

face of an unforgiving city.
Ready?

Let's do this.
Dick wolf's Chicago improv.

An unfiltered look at the world
of Chicago's improv comedy

scene.
We need a suggestion of a

household object.
Anything you have around the

house.
Dildo.

Something other than dildo,
please.

Two dildos.
Unflinching in its depiction

of the real lives of Chicago
improvisers.

Dialogue ripped from real life
improv classes.

Hey.
Great object work out there.

Oh, yeah.
All of your sweep edits were

perfectly timed.
Stop it!

We're all on the same team.
Cut.

Do you know who's in the
audience now?

Greg amico.
What the hell was everything

they just said, asks the "new
York times."

And the Boston globe wonders who
is Greg amico?

Should I know who that is?
Watch as people wearing plaid

balance love and ambition in
America's number three comedy

market.
I heard you're doing stand-up

now.
Just open mic.

I guess you'll have what you
always wanted -- the stage all

to yourself.
Hey, how many people even

make it to main stage?
I don't know who the bad guy

is here.
Guys, I booked it.

I'm filming two commercials for
Lou molnatti's.

Congrats, Hollywood.
The only show with real

Chicago faces and bodies.
I want to see pretty people

complains the Hollywood
reporter.

While usa today says, the fire
imagery was misleading.

My name is Jackie Jackie and
I was born in a log cabin.

Did dick wolf lose a bet?
Why did he make this, asks the

"wall street journal."
Too much improv says improv

magazine.
If they didn't

thanks to Nick imagine, Alec
Baldwin, Ben stiller.

Fred armisen, Anne hathaway,
Tracy Morgan, John Goodman.

Have a beautiful summer,
everyone.

Love you, guys!
[ Cheers and applause ]

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For Subtitling Services, contatct:
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