Original subtitles

DAVlD: Whenever l get gloomy with the state of the world,

l think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow airport.

General opinion started to make out

that we live in a world of hatred and greed,

but l don't see that.

Seems to me that love is everywhere.

Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy,

but it's always there.

Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters,

husbands and wives,

boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends.

When the planes hit the Twin Towers,

as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board

were messages of hate or revenge.

They were all messages of love.

If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling

you'll find that love actually is all around.

(SlNGlNG) I feel it in my fingers

I feel it in my toes

Feel it in my toes, yeah

Love is all around me And so the...

I'm afraid you did it again, Bill.

(SlGHS)

lt's just, l know the old version so well, you know.

Well, we all do.

That's why we're making the new version.

Right, okay, let's go.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG)

I feel it in my fingers

In my fingers

I feel it in my toes

Feel it in my toes, yeah

Love is all...

Fuck, wank, bugger, shitting ass head and hole.

(lNHALES DEEPLY) Start again.

I feel it in my fingers

In my fingers

I feel it in my toes

Feel it in my toes, yeah

Christmas is all around me

All around me

And so the feeling grows

So the feeling grows

lt's written in the wind

ln the wind

It's everywhere I go

Everywhere I go

So if you really love Christmas

Love Christmas

Come on and let it snow

Come on and let it...

This is shit, isn't it?

Yep, solid gold shit, maestro.

God, l'm so late.

lt's just round the corner. You'll make it.

You sure you don't mind me going without you?

No, really. l'm just feeling so rotten.

l love you.

l know.

l love you even when you're sick and look disgusting.

l know. Now, go or you will actually miss it.

Right.

Did l mention that l love you?

Yes, you did. Get out, loser.

Karen, it's me again.

(CHUCKLES) l'm sorry, l literally don't have anyone else to talk to.

Absolutely. Horrible moment right now, though. Can l call you back?

Of course.

Doesn't mean l'm not terribly concerned that your wife just died.

(CHUCKLES) Understood.

Bugger off, call me later.

So what's this big news then?

We've been given our parts in the nativity play. . .

(GASPS)

. . .and l'm the lobster.

The lobster? Yeah.

ln the nativity play?

Yeah. First lobster.

There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?

Duh.

Best sandwiches in Britain.

Try my lovely nuts?

Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady.

Morning, my future wife.

(SlGHS)

MAN: Okay, you can stop there. Thanks.

l'm gonna need a couple of orange gels, please, mate.

And by the way, he introduced me as John,

but actually everyone calls me Jack.

Fine. Nice to meet you, Jack.

He got me right, though. l'm just Judy.

Great, Just Judy!

(LAUGHS)

No surprises? No surprises.

Not like the stag night?

Unlike the stag night.

Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?

l do.

And it would've been much better if they'd not turned out to be men?

That is true.

Good luck, kiddo.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDlNG)

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

REPORTERS: (SHOUTlNG) Prime Minister!

(PEOPLE WHlSTLlNG)

Thank you.

Welcome, Prime Minister.

(EXHALES) l must work on my wave.

How are you?

How are you feeling?

Cool. Powerful.

Would you like to meet your household staff?

Yes, l would like that very much indeed.

Anything to put off actually running the country.

This is Terence. He's in charge.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

l had an uncle called Terence once.

Hated him. l think he was a pervert.

But l very much like the look of you.

This is Pat. Hello, Pat.

Good morning, sir. l'm the housekeeper.

Right. lt should be a lot easier with me than with the last lot.

No nappies, no teenagers, no scary wife.

And this is Natalie. She's new, like you.

Hello, Natalie. Hello, David.

l mean, sir.

Shit, l can't believe l've just said that.

And now l've gone and said "shit." Twice. l'm so sorry, sir.

lt's fine, it's fine. You could've said "fuck"

and then we'd have been in real trouble. Thank you, sir.

l did have an awful premonition l was gonna fuck up on my first day.

Oh, piss it!

(LAUGHS)

Right, l'll go get my things and then let's fix the country, shall we?

Yeah, l can't see why not.

lt's all right. Did you see what l did?

Yes, l did. l just went. . .

Hello, there.

l'm right over here.

Yeah, l'm in here. Okay. Good. Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, no. That is so inconvenient.

ln the presence of God, Peter and Juliet have given their consent

and made their marriage vows to each other.

They've declared their marriage by the giving and receiving of rings.

l therefore proclaim that they are husband and wife.

(ALL CHEERlNG)

(ORGAN PLAYlNG)

And you resisted the temptation for surprises.

Yeah, l'm mature now.

(SlNGlNG) CHORUS: Love, love, love

Love, love, love

Did you do this?

No.

Love, love, love, love

There's nothing you can do that can't be done

lt. . .

There's nothing you can sing that can't be sung

There's nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game

It's easy

All you need is love

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

All you need is love

All you need is love, love

Love is all you need...

Look, it's Pikey.

(LAUGHlNG)

Hello! What the hell are you doing here?

l just popped over to borrow some old CDs.

The lady of the house let you in, did she?

Yeah.

Lovely, obliging girl.

Yeah.

All right, l just thought l'd pop back

before the reception and see if she's better.

This is good. Listen, l've been thinking.

l think perhaps we ought to take

Mum out for her birthday on Friday. What do you think?

l just feel we've been bad sons this year.

Okay, sounds fine. A bit boring but fine.

GlRL: Hurry up, big boy!

l'm naked, and l want you at least twice before Jamie gets home.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(LAUGHlNG)

(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)

JULlET: l am so happy to see you !

A delicious delicacy?

No, thanks.

Taste explosion?

Food? No, thanks.

Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn't it? Looks like a dead baby's finger.

(EXCLAlMS lN DlSGUST)

(EXCLAlMS) Tastes like it, too.

l'm Colin, by the way.

l'm Nancy. Wicked.

What do you do, Nancy? l'm a cook.

Ever do weddings? Yes, l do.

They should've asked you to do this one.

They did.

God, l wish you hadn't have turned it down.

l didn't.

(GlGGLlNG) Right.

l've just worked out why l can never find true love.

Why is that?

English girls. They're stuck up, you see.

And l am primarily attractive to girls

who are, you know, cooler, game for a laugh.

Like American girls. So l should just go to America.

l would get a girlfriend there instantly.

What do you think?

l think it's crap, Colin.

That's where you're wrong.

American girls would seriously dig me with my cute British accent.

You don't have a cute British accent.

Yes, l do! l'm going to America.

Colin, you're a lonely, ugly asshole, and you must accept it.

Never. l am Colin, God of Sex.

l'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.

MAN: Bit of quiet while we finish the lighting, guys!

l thought l was never gonna make it here today.

The traffic was just. . . Unbelievable.

Judy, could you take the top off this time?

Lighting and camera need to know when we're actually gonna

see the nipples and when we're not.

Yes, okay. Right. At least it's nice and warm in here.

Yeah. lt's not always the case, is it?

l was standing in for Brad Pitt once on Seven Years in Tibet...

Yes, yeah. Bloody freezing.

Sorry, guys, time's pretty tight and we have to get the actors in.

Fine. l promise l won't look.

(LAUGHlNG)

MAN: Right, let's have another look at that one, please.

And Jerry says if you can just put your hands on her breasts.

All right, okay, yeah. ls that all right?

Yes. Yeah, fine.

l'll warm them up.

And massage them, please.

Right.

(lNHALES)

lt's junction 1 3 that's just murder, isn't it?

Total gridlock this morning.

Jo and l had a lot of time to prepare for this moment.

Some of her requests, for instance,

that l should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral,

l was confident she expected me to ignore.

But others she was pretty damn clear about.

When she first mentioned what's about to happen,

l said, "Over my dead body."

And she said, "No, Daniel, over mine."

And as usual, my darling girl

and Sam's darling mom was right.

So she's going to say her final farewell to you not through me but,

inevitably, ever so coolly,

through the immortal genius of the Bay City Rollers.

(POP SONG PLAYlNG)

Do you love him?

What?

No, l just thought l'd ask the blunt question in case it was the right one

and you needed someone to talk to about it

and no one had ever asked you,

so you've never been able to talk about it though you might've wanted to.

No. No. No is the answer. No. Absolutely not.

So that's a no, then?

Yes.

This DJ, what do you reckon?

The worst in history? Probably.

l think it all hangs on the next song.

Now here's one for the lovers.

That's quite a few of you, I shouldn't be surprised and a half.

He's done it, it's official. Worst DJ in the world.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Sarah's waiting for you.

Yes, of course.

Great, good, good.

How are you doing, Mia?

Are you settling in fine? Learning who to avoid?

Absolutely.

Harry?

Sarah, switch off your phone and tell me exactly

how long it is that you've been working here.

Two years, seven months,

three days and, l suppose, what, two hours?

And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

(LAUGHS)

Two years, seven months, three days

and, l suppose, an hour and 30 minutes.

Thought as much.

Do you think everybody knows? Yes.

Do you think Karl knows? Yes.

That is. . . That is bad news.

l just thought that maybe the time had come

to do something about it.

Like what?

lnvite him out for a drink, and then after about 20 minutes,

casually drop into the conversation the fact that you'd like to marry him

and have lots of sex and babies.

You know that? Yes.

And so does Karl.

Think about it, for all our sakes.

lt's Christmas.

Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss.

Hi, Sarah. Hi, Karl.

Excuse me.

(CHRlSTMAS SONG PLAYlNG)

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Babe. Absolutely, fire away.

Mia, Mia, would you turn that down?

What is that?

And that was the Christmas effort by the once great Billy Mack.

Oh, dear me, how are the mighty fallen.

l can safely put my hand up my ass and say

that is the worst record l've heard this century. . .

And, coincidentally, l believe Billy will be a guest

on my friend Mike's show in a few minutes' time.

Welcome back, Bill.

So, Billy, welcome back to the airwaves.

New Christmas single, cover of Love Is All Around.

Except we've changed the word "love" to "Christmas."

Yes, is that an important message to you, Bill?

(SNORTS) Not really, Mike.

Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives.

And that's not you? That's not me, Michael.

When l was young and successful, l was greedy and foolish,

and now l'm left with no one, wrinkled and alone.

Wow. Thanks for that, Bill. For what?

Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question.

lt doesn't often happen here at Radio Watford, l can tell you.

Ask me anything you like, and l'll tell you the truth.

Best shag you ever had?

Britney Spears.

Wow.

No, only kidding !

(SNORTS) She was rubbish.

Okay, here's one.

How do you think the new record compares to your old, classic stuff?

Come on, Mikey, you know as well as l do the record's crap.

(BlLLY LAUGHlNG)

But wouldn't it be great if number one this Christmas

wasn't some smug teenager

but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price?

All those young popsters come Christmas day,

they'll be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls

and l'll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager, Joe,

ugliest man in the world,

fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn't pay off.

So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does,

buy my festering turd of a record.

And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness

of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.

l think you're referring to,

"lf you really love Christmas. . ."

"Come on and let it snow."

(EXCLAlMS)

So, here it is one more time,

the dark horse for this year's Christmas number one,

Christmas ls All Around. Thank you, Billy.

After this, the news.

ls the new prime minister in trouble already?

Okay. What's next?

The President's visit.

Yes, yes. l fear this is going to be a difficult one to play.

Alex.

There's a very strong feeling in the party

we mustn't allow ourselves to be bullied

from pillar to post like the last government.

ALL: Hear, hear.

This is our first really important test.

Let's take a stand.

Right. Right. l understand that, but l have decided

not to. Not this time.

We will, of course, try to be clever.

But let's not forget that America is the most powerful country in the world.

l'm not going to act like a petulant child.

Right, who do you have to screw around here

to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Right.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yeah, come in.

These have just come through from the treasury and these are for you.

Excellent. Thanks a lot.

l was hoping you'd win,

not that l wouldn't have been nice to the other bloke, too.

Just always given him the boring biscuits with no chocolate.

(LAUGHS)

Thanks very much. Thanks. . .

Natalie.

God, come on, get a grip. You're the prime minister, for God's sake.

So what do you reckon to our new prime minister then?

l like him. l can't understand why he's not married, though.

You know the type, he's married to his job.

Either that or gay as a picnic basket.

Excuse me, Judy, if you could just lower the nipples

and cheat them a bit to the left?

Okay.

l have to say, Judy, this is a real pleasure.

lt's lovely to find someone l can actually chat to.

Thank you. Well, you know. . .

And ditto. Thank you.

And the move again, please, Judy.

Sorry. God, sorry.

Are you all right? Yeah, fine.

Exciting news!

What?

l've bought a ticket to the States. l'm off in three weeks.

No. Yes!

To a fantastic place called Wisconsin.

No!

(HORN HONKlNG) Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin !

No, Col ! There are a few babes in America, l grant you,

but they're already going out with rich, attractive guys.

Tone, you're just jealous.

You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America

contains 1 0 girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me

than the whole of the United Kingdom.

That is total bollocks. You've actually gone mad now.

No, l'm wise. Stateside l am Prince William without the weird family.

No, Colin, no!

(BOTH SPEAKlNG RUSSlAN) Yes!

(SPEAKlNG GERMAN) Ja, darling !

Right, the Christmas party, not my favorite night of the year

and your unhappy job to organize.

Tell me.

lt's basic, really.

Find a venue, over-order on the drinks, bulk buy the guacamole

and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled.

Wives and family and stuff?

Yeah. l mean, not children.

But their wives and girlfriends, et cetera.

Oh, Christ, you haven't got some horrible six-foot,

tight-T-shirt-wearing boyfriend you'll be bringing, have you?

No. l'll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.

Really?

Right.

He now spends all the time in his room.

l mean, he'll be up there now.

That's nothing unusual about that. My horrid son. . .

Bernard? Bernard.

Stays in his room all the time. Thank goodness.

Yeah, but, Karen, this is all the time.

l'm afraid that there's something really wrong, you know?

l mean, clearly it's about his mom,

but, Christ, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all l know.

KAREN: At the age of 1 1 ?

DANlEL: Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then.

Maybe just his veins.

You see, the problem is it was his mom

who always used to talk to him, you know, and. . .

l don't know, this whole stepfather thing

seems suddenly to somehow matter like it never did before.

Listen, it was always going to be a totally shit time.

Just be patient.

And maybe check the room for needles.

And then when he sometimes does come out,

it's obvious he's been crying.

(CRYlNG)

lt's just such a ridiculous waste.

And now if it's going to ruin Sam's life as well. . .

l just don't know.

Get a grip. People hate sissies.

No one's ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Helpful.

So, what's the problem, Samuel?

ls it just Mom or is it something else?

Maybe school?

Are you being bullied?

Or is it something worse?

Can you give me any clues at all?

You really want to know?

l really want to know.

Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?

Even if that's the case, yeah.

Okay. Well. . .

Truth is, actually,

l'm in love.

Sorry?

l know l should be thinking about Mom all the time and l am,

but the truth is l'm in love.

l was before she died, and there's nothing l can do about it.

(LAUGHS)

Aren't you a bit young to be in love?

No.

Well, okay, well. . .

l mean, l'm a little relieved.

Why? Because l

thought it would be something worse.

Worse than the total agony of being in love?

No, you're right. Total agony.

Night, Sarah.

Night, Karl.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Yeah, absolutely.

Free as a bird. Fire away.

Alone again.

Naturally.

l'll deal with it.

All right.

Natalie. Sir.

Thanks. Natalie.

l'm starting to feel

uncomfortable about us working in such close proximity every day

and me knowing so little about you.

lt seems. . . lt seems elitist and wrong.

Well, there's not much to know.

Well, where do you live, for instance?

Wandsworth. The dodgy end.

My sister lives in Wandsworth. Yeah.

So which exactly is the dodgy end?

Right at the end of the High Street,

Harris Street, near the Queen's Head.

Yeah, yeah, that is dodgy.

And you live with your husband? Boyfriend?

Three illegitimate but charming children?

No.

l've just split up with my boyfriend, actually,

so l'm back with my mom and dad for a while.

Sorry.

No, it's fine.

l'm well shot of him. He said l was getting fat.

l beg your pardon?

He said no one's gonna fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks.

Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.

No.

(SNlCKERS)

You know,

being prime minister, l could just have him murdered.

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you, sir. l'll think about it.

Do. The SAS are absolutely charming.

Ruthless, trained killers are just a phone call away.

Oh, God.

Did you have this kind of problem?

Yeah, course you did, you saucy minx.

So, let's go. We can definitely crack this.

Remember, l was a kid once, too.

So, come on, it's someone at school. Right?

Yeah. Good, good.

And what does she, he, feel about you?

She doesn't even know my name.

And even if she did, she'd despise me.

She's the coolest girl in school,

and everyone worships her because she's heaven.

Good. Good.

(SlGHS) Well, basically you're fucked, aren't you?

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

Hi there, and welcome back.

So, Billy, three weeks till Christmas,

looks like the real competition is gonna be Blue.

Yeah, l saw them on the show last week.

They weren't very nice about my record.

No. Little scamps.

(LAUGHlNG)

But very, very talented musicians.

Yeah. Billy, l understand you've got a prize for our competition winners.

Yes, l have, Ant or Dec. lt's a personalized felt-tip pen.

Great.

lt's brilliant. lt even writes on glass,

so if you've got a framed picture,

like, for instance, this one of Blue,

you can just write on it.

(KlDS SNlCKERlNG)

DEC: A lot of kids watching, Billy.

BlLLY: Yeah.

Hiya, kids.

Here's an important message from your Uncle Bill.

Don't buy drugs.

Become a pop star and they give you them for free.

(CROWD GASPlNG) And l do believe it's a commercial break.

Thank goodness. We'll see you soon. Bye-bye.

(CROWD CHEERlNG)

(LAUGHlNG)

Look at him !

Just a minute.

Actually, they're not funny. They're art.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Okay, let's say Thursday, my place.

Great. But for now l've got Juliet on the other line.

Can l patch you through? She wants to ask you a favor.

(SlGHS) Okay, fine.

Thanks and be nice.

l'm always nice.

You know what I mean, Marky, be friendly.

l'm always. . . JULlET: Mark?

Hi. How was the honeymoon?

lt was great. And thanks for the gorgeous sendoff.

So, what can l do for you?

It's only a tiny favor.

l've just tried the wedding video, and it's a complete disaster.

lt's come out all blue and wibbly.

l'm sorry.

l remember you filming a lot in the day

and l just wondered if l could look at your stuff.

No, look, to be honest, l didn't really. . .

Please. All l want is just one shot of me in a wedding dress

that isn't bright turquoise.

Okay, l'll have a look, but to be honest, l'm pretty sure l wiped it,

so don't get any hopes up.

Must go.

Any progress with our matchmaking plans?

No. l've done fuck-all and never will because he's too good for me.

How true.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG) SARAH: Stop.

And, of course, your mobile goes.

Hello. Hi. How you doing?

So, how's the Christmas party going?

Good.

Think l've found a venue. Friend of mine works there.

What's it like?

Good. Good.

lt's an art gallery. Full of dark corners for doing dark deeds.

(CHUCKLES)

Right.

Good. Well, l suppose l should

take a look at it or something.

You should.

(TYPEWRlTER CLACKlNG)

(BELL TlNKLES)

(BOTH SPEAKlNG FRENCH)

Welcome back. And this year you bring a lady guest?

No. There's a change of situation. Just me.

Am l sad or not sad?

l think you're not surprised.

And you stay here till Christmas?

Yeah, yeah.

Good. Well, l find you a perfect lady to clean the house.

This is Aurelia.

(SPEAKlNG FRENCH)

(MUMBLlNG lN FRENCH)

Unfortunately, she cannot speak French, just like you.

She's Portuguese.

(MUMBLlNG lN lTALlAN)

(SPEAKlNG lN lTALlAN AND SPANlSH)

l think she's 1 0 years too young to remember

there was a footballer called Eusebio.

And "molto bueno" is Spanish.

Right. Right.

Anyway, it's nice to meet you and. . .

Perhaps you can drive her home at the end of her work?

Absolutely, yes.

(BLABBERlNG)

Which is what? Turkish?

(SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)

No, right. Silence is golden.

As the Tremeloes said.

Clever guys, although l think the original version

was by Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons.

Great band.

(HlGH-PlTCHED HUMMlNG)

Shut up.

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDlNG)

REPORTERS: Mr. President!

MAN: Over here, sir!

What will you be talking about?

Mr. President, welcome.

lt's a pleasure to meet you.

Come on through.

l'm sorry your wife couldn't make it, by the way.

So is she. Although she would have been kind of lonely, l'm sure.

Yes. Pathetic, isn't it? Just never been able to tie a girl down.

Not sure that politics and dating really go together.

Really? l've never found that.

Yeah, well, the difference is you're still sickeningly handsome,

whereas l look increasingly like my Aunt Mildred.

Very jealous of your plane, by the way.

Thank you. We love that thing, l'll tell you.

Natalie. Hi.

Morning, ma'am. How's your day so far?

(GlGGLES)

Excellent.

(SlGHS)

My goodness, that's a pretty little son of a bitch, right there.

Did you see those pipes?

Yeah, yeah, she's terrific at her job.

No, absolutely not. We cannot and will not consult on that, either.

That is unexpected.

Well, it shouldn't be.

The last administration made it perfectly clear.

We're just being consistent with their policies.

Well, with all respect, sir, they were bad policies.

All right, thanks, Alex.

l don't think we're making progress here. Let's move on, shall we?

Well, now, that was an interesting day.

Sorry if our line was firm,

but there's no point in tiptoeing around today,

then just disappointing you for four years.

l mean, l have plans and l plan to see them through.

Absolutely. Now, there is one final thing l think we should look at.

lt's very close to my heart. Just give me a second.

l'll give you anything you ask for.

As long as it's not something l don't wanna give.

Hi.

Pathetic.

lt's great Scotch.

l'll. . . l'll be going, then.

Natalie,

l hope to see much more of you as our two great countries

work toward a better future.

Thank you, sir.

(CAMERAS CLlCKlNG)

Yes, Peter.

Mr. President, has it been a good visit?

Very satisfactory indeed.

We got what we came for,

and our special relationship is still very special.

And, Prime Minister?

l love that word "relationship."

Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?

l fear that this has become a bad relationship,

a relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants

and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to

Britain.

We may be a small country, but we're a great one, too.

The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, The Beatles,

Sean Connery, Harry Potter.

(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG)

David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that.

And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend.

And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward,

l will be prepared to be much stronger.

And the President should be prepared for that.

(REPORTERS CLAMORlNG)

Mr. President!

Joe.

lt's your sister on line four.

All right.

Yes, l'm very busy and important. How can l help you?

Have you gone completely insane?

You can't be sensible all the time.

You can if you're prime minister.

Oh, dear, it's the Chancellor of the Exchequer on the other line.

No, it isn't! I'll call you back.

No, you won't!

(MUSlC PLAYlNG)

The trouble with being the prime minister's sister is

it does put your life into rather harsh perspective.

What did my brother do today? He stood up and fought for his country.

And what did l do? l made a papier-mâché lobster head.

What is this we're listening to?

Joni Mitchell.

l can't believe you still listen to Joni Mitchell.

l love her and true love lasts a lifetime.

Joni Mitchell is the woman who taught

your cold English wife how to feel.

Did she? Well, that's good.

l must write to her sometime and say thanks.

Now, which doll should we give Daisy's little friend Emily?

The one that looks like a transvestite

or the one that looks like a dominatrix?

(BELL TOLLlNG)

WOMAN ON RADlO: It's almost enough to make you feel patriotic,

so here's one for our ass-kicking prime minister.

I think he'll enjoy this.

A golden oldie for a golden oldie.

(POP SONG PLAYlNG ON RADlO)

Yeah. . .

Mary, l've been thinking,

can we move the Japanese ambassador to 4:00 tomorrow?

Certainly, sir.

Terrific. Thanks so much.

Would you like the last. . .

(lN PORTUGUESE)

That's all right, more for me.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

l'm very lucky l've got one of those constitutions

where l never put on weight.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello.

(RlNGlNG CONTlNUES)

Sorry.

Hello?

Thank you.

(SPEAKlNG PORTUGUESE)

No. Hold on.

God, it's half the book. No.

Just leave them, please! They're not important.

They're not worth it!

Stop! Stop.

(MOANS)

lt's all just rubbish.

Just leave it.

God, she's in.

Right. And now she'll think l'm a total spaz if l don't go in too.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Fuck, it's freezing ! Fuck!

(lN PORTUGUESE)

lt's not worth it. This isn't bloody Shakespeare.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Just stop. Stop.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

l really must do copies.

There'd better not be eels in here. l can't stand eels.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Oh, God, what the hell is that?

Thank you. Thank you so much.

l know. l'll name one of the characters after you.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Or l could give you 5% of the profits.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(lMlTATES CRYlNG)

(lMlTATES LAUGHlNG)

(SPEAKlNG PORTUGUESE)

Yes. lt's. . .

(GRUNTS)

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Crime. Crime, murder.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Scary? Yes, sometimes scary.

And sometimes not. Mainly scary how bad the writing is.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Sure.

lt's my favorite time of day,

driving you.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Sorry.

WOMAN ON TV: And coming up later this morning, it's this guy...

(BlLLY SlNGlNG ON TV)

The bad granddad of rock and roll,

here at 1 0:30. Do not switch off.

Banoffee pie?

No, thanks.

Thank God. You would've broken my heart if you'd said yes.

Right, well, lucky you.

Can l come in?

Yeah, well, l'm a bit busy. . .

Well, l was just passing, and l thought

we might check that video thing out.

l thought l might be able to swap it for some pie

or maybe Munchies?

Actually, l was being serious. l don't know where it is.

l'll have a poke around tonight then. . .

Mark, can l say something?

Yeah.

l know you're Peter's best friend,

and l know you've never particularly warmed to me.

No, don't argue.

We've never got friendly.

But l just wanted to say, l hope that can change.

l'm nice. l really am.

Apart from my terrible taste in pie and. . .

lt would be great if we could be friends.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Great.

Doesn't mean we'll be able to find the video, though.

l had a real search when you first called

and couldn't find any trace of it so. . .

Well, there's one here that says, "Peter and Juliet's Wedding."

Do you think we might be on the right track?

Yeah, well. . . Wow. That could be it.

Do you mind if l just. . .

l've probably taped over it.

Almost everything has episodes of West Wing on it and. . .

Oh, bingo.

That's lovely.

Well done, you.

That's gorgeous.

Thank you so much, Mark. This is exactly what l was hoping for.

l look quite pretty.

You've stayed rather close, haven't you?

(LAUGHS)

They're all of me.

MARK: Yeah. Yeah.

Yes.

But

you never talk to me.

You always talk to Peter.

You don't like me.

l hope it's useful.

Don't show it around too much.

Needs a bit of editing.

Look, l've got to get to a lunch.

Early lunch.

You can just show yourself out, can't you?

lt's a self-preservation thing, you see.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yeah.

Annie, my darling, my dream, my boat.

Need you to do a favor for me.

Of course. Anything for the hero of the hour.

Don't ask me why, and for heaven's sake, don't read stuff into this,

it's just a weird personality thing.

But you know Natalie who works here?

The chubby girl?

Would we call her chubby?

l think there's a pretty sizeable ass there, yes, sir.

Huge thighs.

Yeah. Well, whatever.

l'm sure she's a lovely girl, but l wonder if you could

redistribute her?

lt's done.

Hey, Sammo. Can't sleep?

l got some terrible news today.

Let's have it.

Joanna's going back to America.

Your girl's American?

Yes, she's American.

And she's not my girl.

And she's going back to America.

That's the end of my life as l know it.

That is bad news.

Well, we need Kate

and we need Leo, and we need them now.

Come on.

Hold on. Hold on.

Keep your eyes closed.

Do you trust me?

I trust you.

Do you trust me?

l trust you.

Fool !

Get off, you big bully.

All right, open your eyes.

You know, Sammy, l'm sure she's unique and extraordinary,

but general wisdom is that in the end,

there isn't just one person for each of us.

There was for Kate and Leo.

There was for you.

And there is for me.

She's the one.

Fair enough. And her name's Joanna?

Yeah, l know. Same as Mom.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yeah.

Prime Minister.

Thank you very much.

(MUMBLlNG lN PORTUGUESE)

Well, goodbye.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

lt was. . .

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(HORN HONKlNG)

(SlNGlNG) You know l love Christmas, I always will

My mind's made up, the way that I feel

There's no beginning, there'll be no end

Daniel !

l have a plan.

Thank the Lord ! Tell me.

Well, girls love musicians, don't they? Uh-huh.

Even the really weird ones get girlfriends. That's right.

Meat Loaf definitely got laid at least once.

For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl.

Whatever. There's this big concert at the end of term and Joanna's in it.

And l thought maybe if l was in the band and played absolutely superbly,

there's a chance that she might actually fall in love with me.

What do you think?

l think it's brilliant. l think it's stellar.

Apart from the one obvious tiny, little, baby, little hiccup.

l don't play a musical instrument?

Yes, sir.

A tiny, insignificant detail.

(DRUMS PLAYlNG)

(MUSlC PLAYlNG)

l suppose l'd better go and do the duty round.

You're a saint.

(LAUGHS)

Any chance of a dance with the boss?

Yeah, sure, sure.

As long as your boyfriend doesn't mind.

Not my boyfriend.

You're looking very pretty tonight.

lt's for you.

Sorry?

lt's all for you, sir.

This must be a very exciting moment for you,

fighting for the Christmas number one.

How's it looking so far?

Very bad indeed.

Blue are outselling me five-to-one,

but I'm hoping for a late surge.

(LAUGHlNG)

And, if I reach number one,

I promise to sing a song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve.

(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG)

Do you mean that?

Well, of course I mean it, Michael.

Do you want a preview? You old flirt.

(LAUGHlNG)

That'll never make number one.

(HlP HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

l suppose it's his job to dance with everyone, isn't it?

Some more than others.

Just one dance?

Before we run out of chances.

Who, me?

Unless you just. . .

No! No! Good.

Yes. Thanks.

(SLOW ROMANTlC SONG PLAYlNG)

Well, then. l'd better go.

Okay.

Good night. Good night.

Actually,

l don't have to go. Right. Good.

l mean. . . No, that's good.

Just. . . Would you excuse me for one second?

Sure. Just one second.

Okay, that's done.

Why don't you come upstairs in about 1 0 seconds?

Ten seconds. Ten seconds.

Just tug it.

Okay.

You're beautiful.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

l'd better answer that.

Hello. Hi. Hello, darling.

No, no, l'm not busy. No, fire away.

Right.

Yes, l. . . l'm not quite sure it's gonna be possible

to get the Pope on the phone tonight but. . .

Yes. Yes, l'm sure he's very good at exorcism but. . .

Well, l'm sure

Jon Bon Jovi is as well, and l'll definitely look into it.

Okay? Okay, l'll talk to you later.

All right, bye-bye.

Sorry about that.

No, it's fine.

lt's my brother. He's not well. He calls a lot.

l'm sorry. No, it's fine. lt's fine.

l mean, it's not really fine. lt is what it is,

and sort of there being no parents now, and us being over here,

it's my job to keep an eye on him. l mean, not my job.

Obviously, l'm glad to do it. . .

That's okay.

l mean, life is full of interruptions and complications.

So. . .

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Will it make him better?

No.

Then maybe

don't answer.

(RlNGlNG CONTlNUES)

Hey. How you doing?

Right, right. No, please.

Please, please, don't, little darling.

Between the two of us we'll find the answer and it won't hurt anymore.

No, no. No, l'm not busy. l. . .

Of course if you want me to come over l will.

Okay.

That was a good night.

Except l felt fat.

Don't be ridiculous.

lt's true.

Nowadays the only clothes l can get into were once owned by Pavarotti.

l always think Pavarotti dresses very well.

Mia's very pretty.

ls she?

You know she is, darling.

Be careful there.

Have you been watching stuff on TV?

Yeah.

Every night. Good.

And every day.

The nurses are trying to kill me.

Nobody's trying to kill you, babe.

Thank you.

Don't do that, my darling.

Thank you.

Don't do that.

Right. Back at 3:00. Christmas shopping,

never an easy or a pleasant task.

Are you gonna get me something?

l don't know, l hadn't thought.

And where's Sarah, by the way?

She couldn't make it in today. Family thing.

There's a word for hangover l've never heard before.

See you later.

Yes. Looking forward to it.

A lot.

So are you gonna give me something?

l thought l made it clear last night.

When it comes to me, you can have everything.

So, what do you need?

Something along the stationery line? Are you short of staplers?

No. l don't want something l need.

l want something l want, something pretty.

Right.

Sorry l'm late. l had to drop off Bernie at rehearsal.

Right, well, listen, you keep yourself occupied for 1 0 minutes

while l go and do the boring stuff for our mothers.

Thank you. Thank you.

Looking for anything in particular, sir?

Yes. That necklace there, how much is it?

lt's £270.

All right. l'll have it.

Lovely.

Would you like it gift-wrapped?

Yes, all right.

Lovely.

Let me just pop it in the box.

There.

Look, could we be quite quick?

Certainly, sir.

Ready in the flashiest of flashes.

There. That's great.

Not quite finished.

Look, actually, l don't need a bag.

l'll just put it in my pocket.

This isn't a bag, sir.

Really?

This is so much more than a bag.

(EXCLAlMS)

Could we be quite quick, please?

(SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)

What's that?

lt's a cinnamon stick, sir.

Actually, l really can't wait.

You won't regret it, sir.

Want to bet?

'Tis but the work of a moment.

There we go. Almost finished.

Almost finished? What else can there be?

Are you gonna dip it in yogurt?

Cover it with chocolate buttons?

No, sir, we're going to pop it in the Christmas box.

But l don't want a Christmas box.

But you said you wanted it gift-wrapped.

l did but. . .

This is the final flourish.

Can l just pay?

All we need now. . .

Oh, God.

. . .is a sprig of holly.

No, no, no, no.

No bloody holly. But, sir. . .

Leave it. Leave it. Just leave it.

Loitering around the jewelry section, l see.

No. l was just looking around.

Don't worry. My expectations are not that high

after 1 3 years of Mr. Oh- but-you-always-love-scarves.

Actually, l do love this one.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Had to rent out my flat to pay for my ticket.

You're not actually going ahead with this genuinely stupid plan?

Yeah. l bloody am.

You think this backpack is full of clothes? Like hell it is.

lt is chock-a-block full of condoms.

Excellent. Excellent. Perfect, keep that going.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Look, sorry to be a bit forward and all that,

but you don't fancy going for a Christmas drink, do you?

l mean, nothing implied at all.

Just maybe go and see something Christmassy or something.

Obviously, if you don't want to, you don't have to. l. . .

l'm rambling now, sorry.

No. That would be lovely.

Great.

(EXCLAlMS)

You know, that is really great.

Normally, l'm really shy about this sort of thing.

Takes me ages to get the courage up, so thank you.

(DRUMS PLAYlNG)

Explain to me again why you're so late.

For heaven's sake, woman, can't a man have any secrets?

We've been waiting for hours. lt's the first ever preview.

KAREN: lt was a starry night in ancient Jerusalem

and the baby Jesus was in his manger.

Sherlock Holmes is not a real detective.

(lN FORElGN LANGUAGE)

l would like half-pint of sherry.

l would like a one-day travel card.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Milton Keynes has many roundabouts.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

You'll come back a broken man.

Yeah, back broken from too much sex.

You are on the road to disaster.

No, l am on shag highway, heading west.

Farewell, failure.

America, watch out! Here comes Colin Frissell.

And he's got a big knob.

Take me to a bar.

What kind of bar?

Just any bar. Just your average American bar.

Can l help you?

Yes. l'd like a Budweiser, please.

King of beers.

One Bud coming up.

Oh, my God.

Are you from England?

Yes.

That is so cute.

Hi, l'm Stacey.

(LAUGHS)

Jeannie?

Yeah?

STACEY: This is. . .

Colin.

Frissell.

Cute name.

Jeannie.

He's from England.

Yep. Basildon.

Wait till Carol-Anne gets here.

She's crazy about English guys.

Hey, girls.

Carol-Anne, come meet Colin.

He's from England.

Well, step aside, ladies. This one's on me.

Hey, gorgeous.

(GROWLlNG)

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

That is so funny!

What do you call that?

Bottle.

GlRLS: (WlTH BRlTlSH ACCENT) Bottle.

What about this? Straw.

GlRLS: (WlTH BRlTlSH ACCENT) Straw.

What about this? Table.

Table. The same. lt's the same.

Where are you staying?

l don't actually know.

l guess l'll just check into a motel like they do in the movies.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that is so cute.

No, no, no, listen. This may be a bit pushy 'cause we just met you,

but why don't you come back and sleep at our place?

Yeah.

Well, l mean, you know, if it's not too much of an inconvenience.

Hell no!

But there's one problem.

What?

Well, we're not the richest of girls, you know.

So we just have a little bed and no couch.

So you'd have to share with all three of us.

And on this cold, cold night it's gonna be crowded and sweaty and stuff.

And we can't even afford pajamas.

No?

Which means we would be naked.

No, no, l think it'd be fine.

Great. Cool.

The thing that's gonna make it more crowded. . .

Harriet. You haven't met Harriet.

There's a fourth one? Yeah.

Don't worry, you're totally gonna like her 'cause she is the sexy one.

Really? Wow. Yeah.

Praise the Lord !

And he's a Christian.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Cheers. GlRLS: Cheers.

(COLlN LAUGHlNG)

One present only each tonight. Who's got one for Dad?

l have. Let Mommy go first.

l'll get it. l'll get it.

No, no, no. l want to choose mine. l want to choose mine.

l think l want

this one.

l have, of course, bought you the traditional scarf as well,

but this is my other, slightly special, personal one.

Thank you.

That's a real first.

Rip it!

What is it?

l'm going to. . . All right, l'll rip it.

God, that's a surprise.

DAlSY: What is it?

lt's a CD. Joni Mitchell. Wow.

To continue your emotional education.

Yes. Goodness.

That's great.

My brilliant wife.

Yes.

Actually, do you mind if l just absent myself for a second?

All that ice cream.

Darling, could you just make sure the kids are ready to go?

l'll be back in a minute.

HARRY: All right, all right, let's take it easy.

BERNlE: Mine first. Mine.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG ON TAPE)

Oh, my God.

lt's a miracle. You're all dressed.

Come on, come on, come on, we're horribly late.

Right, then. Come on. ln the car. ln the car.

Come on.

Has she noticed you yet?

No.

You know the thing about romance is

people only get together right at the very end.

Of course.

By the way, l feel bad. l never ask you how your love life is going.

Uh-huh.

No.

As you know, that was a done deal long ago.

Unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer calls,

in which case l want you out of the house straightaway,

you wee motherless mongrel.

(EXCLAlMS)

No, no. We'll want to have sex in every room, including yours.

MAN ON RADlO: lt's a rainy Christmas Eve all over the UK

and the big question is who is number one

on the Radio One chart show tonight?

ls it Blue or the unexpected Christmas sensation from Billy Mack?

You might have guessed it, although you may not believe it.

It's Billy Mack.

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

You are the champion !

MAN ON PHONE: Hi, Billy.

Hello.

We're live across the nation, and you're number one.

How will you be celebrating?

l don't know.

Either l could behave like a real rock and roll loser

and get drunk with my fat manager,

or, when l hang up,

l'll be flooded by invitations to a large number of glamorous parties.

Let's hope it's the latter. And here it is. Number one, from Billy Mack,

it's Christmas ls All Around.

Jesus, not that crap again.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Bill, it's for you, babe.

Hello. Elton.

Of course. Of course.

Send an embarrassingly big car, and l'll be there.

(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG)

lt's gonna be a very good Christmas.

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

Right.

l'd better be getting inside, actually. My mom and, you know. . .

Of course, yeah. lt's getting a bit cold.

Well, good night.

Night.

Okay.

All l want for Christmas is you.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Right.

Thank you. Good.

Good night.

(LAUGHlNG EXClTEDLY)

Look, everyone, it's Uncle Jamie.

Hi, Uncle Jamie!

Yes, splendid. lt's lovely to see you all.

And. . .

l'm off, actually.

But, Jamie, darling. . .

Sorry.

Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

(ALL MURMURlNG)

l hate Uncle Jamie!

GlRL: l hate Uncle Jamie.

BOY: l hate Uncle Jamie.

Gatwick Airport, please. Fast as you can.

(ROMANTlC SONG PLAYlNG ON RADlO)

Night, Sarah.

Night, Karl.

l. . .

Merry Christmas.

Hi, babe. How's it going? Yeah.

ls it all party, party, party down there?

Sam, time for dinner.

SAM: l'm not hungry.

Sam, l've done chicken kebabs.

Look at the sign on the door.

(DRUMS PLAYlNG)

Right.

lt's a little long.

(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)

l'll get it.

Hi.

PETER: Who is it?

lt's carol singers.

Give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG ON TAPE)

(WHlSPERS) Merry Christmas.

Enough.

Enough now.

(DOORBELL BUZZlNG)

What the hell are you doing here?

You're supposed to be at Elton John's.

Well, l was there for a minute or two, and then l had an epiphany.

Really? Yeah.

Come on. Just come up.

So what was this epiphany?

lt was about Christmas.

You realized it was all around.

No. l realized that Christmas is the time

to be with the people you love.

Right.

And l realized that, as dire chance

and fateful cock-up would have it,

here l am, mid-50s,

and without knowing it, l've gone and spent most of my adult life

with a chubby employee.

(SNORTS)

And, much as it grieves me to say it,

it might be that the people l love is, in fact,

you.

Well, this is a surprise.

Yeah.

Ten minutes at Elton John's, you're as gay as a Maypole.

No, look. l'm serious here.

l left Elton's where there were

a hefty number of half-naked chicks

with their mouths open in order to hang out with you at Christmas.

Well, Bill. . .

lt's a terrible, terrible mistake, chubs,

but you turn out to be the fucking love of my life.

(CHUCKLES)

And to be honest, despite all my complaining,

we have had a wonderful life.

Well,

thank you.

l mean, come on, it's been an honor.

l feel very proud.

Look, don't be a moron.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Come on, let's get pissed and watch porn.

NATALlE: Dear sir... Dear David,

Merry Christmas and I hope you have a very happy New Year.

I'm very sorry about the thing that happened.

It was a very odd moment and I feel like a prize idiot.

Particularly because,

if you can't say it at Christmas when can you, eh,

I'm actually yours. With love, your Natalie.

Jack, yeah, l need a car.

Right now. Thank you.

Don't wait up.

l'd like to go to Wandsworth, the dodgy end.

Very good, sir.

TERRY: Harris Street. What number, sir?

DAVlD: God, it's the longest street in the world,

and l have absolutely no idea.

(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)

Hello. Does Natalie live here?

No.

Right, fine. Thank you. Sorry to disturb.

Hey, aren't. . .

Aren't you the prime minister?

Yes. ln fact, l am. Merry Christmas.

Part of the service now.

Trying to get around to everyone by New Year's Eve.

(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)

Hello. Does Natalie live here?

No, she doesn't.

Oh, dear. Okay.

Are you singing carols?

No. No, l'm not.

Please, sir, please.

Please.

Well, l suppose l could.

Please.

All right.

(GlRLS EXCLAlMlNG)

(SlNGlNG) Good King Wenceslas looked out

On the feast of Stephen

When the snow lay round about

Deep and crisp and even

Brightly shone the moon that night

Hello. Sorry to disturb. Does Natalie live here?

No. She lives next door.

Ah !

Brilliant.

You're not who l think you are, are you?

Yes, l'm afraid l am, and l'm sorry about all the cock-ups.

Not my fault. My cabinet are absolute crap.

We hope to do better next year. Merry Christmas to you.

(CHATTERlNG STOPS)

Ah !

Hello. ls Natalie in?

Where the fuck is my fucking coat?

Oh !

Hello.

This is my mom and my dad and my Uncle Tony and my Auntie Glynne.

Hello. Very nice to meet you.

And this is the prime minister.

Yes, we can see that, darling.

And, unfortunately, we're very late.

lt's the school Christmas concert, you see, David.

lt's the first time all the local schools

have joined together, even St. Basil's. . .

Too much detail, Mom.

Anyway, how can we help, sir?

Well, l just needed Natalie

on some state business.

Right, yes. Of course. Right.

Well, perhaps you should come on later, Plumpy.

Natalie.

Well, listen, l don't want to make you late for the concert.

No, it's nothing, really.

Keith will be very disappointed.

No, really, it doesn't matter.

The octopus costume's taken me months.

Eight is a lot of legs, David.

Hmm.

Well, listen, why don't l give you a lift,

and then we can talk about this state business business in the car?

Okay.

Lovely, yes. Lovely.

MAN: Thank you.

Hold tight, everybody.

How far is this place?

Just round the corner.

Right. Well. . .

l just wanted to say

thank you for the Christmas card.

You're welcome.

Look, l'm so sorry about that day.

l mean, l came into the room and he slinked towards me

and there was a fire

and he's the President of the United States

and nothing happened, l promise.

And l just felt like such a fool because

l think about you all the time, actually.

And l think you're the man l really. . .

We're here.

. . .love. Oh, wow.

That really was just round the corner.

(SlGHS)

Well, look, l. . .

l think l'd better not come in, you know?

Last thing anyone wants is some sleazy politician stealing the kids' thunder.

No, please come. lt'll be great.

No, l'd. . . l'd better not.

But l will be very sorry

to drive away from you.

Just give me one second.

John's been very mysterious. Where did you two meet?

No!

Come on in. We can watch from backstage.

Okay. Terry, l won't be long.

Look, this has to be a very secret visit, okay?

Don't worry. This was my school.

l know my way around. Come on.

Look, the sheep are ready already and you're not even. . .

David.

(EXCLAlMS)

How are you?

Hi, guys. Hey, hey, hey. You all right?

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, you know. . .

Well, l always tell your secretary's secretary's secretary

that these things are going on, but it never occurred to me

you'd actually turn up.

l thought it was about time l did.

l just didn't want anyone to see,

so l'm gonna hide myself somewhere and watch the show.

Good luck, good luck, Daisy. Good luck, Bernie.

l have to tell you, l've never been gladder to see my stupid big brother.

Thank you.

All right.

Now, we haven't been introduced.

Right. Well, this is Gavin.

Hello, Gavin.

My copper.

And this is Natalie, who's my. . .

Who's my catering manager.

Hi. Catering manager.

Watch out he keeps his hands off you.

Twenty years ago, you'd have been just his type.

l'll be very careful. Don't try something, sir, just because it's Christmas.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

No, seriously.

(BELL RlNGlNG)

Come on. Showtime. Quickly. Look, see you after, yeah?

Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Thank you, Prime Minister.

lt's all right.

Come on. Right.

ALL: (SlNGlNG) Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket

Save it for a rainy day

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket

Never let it fade away

(ALL APPLAUDlNG)

Hillier School would now like to present

their chosen Christmas number.

Lead vocals by 1 0-year-old Joanna Anderson,

backing vocals coordinated by her mother, the great Mrs. Jean Anderson.

Some of the staff have decided to help out,

and for this, we ask you to forgive us.

Thank you.

(CROWD APPLAUDlNG)

(SlNGlNG) l don't want a lot for Christmas

There's just one thing I need

l don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All l want for Christmas

Is you

l don't want a lot for Christmas

There's just one thing I need

l don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All l want for Christmas is you

You, baby

All the lights are shining

So brightly everywhere

And the sound of children's laughter fills the air

Laughter fills the air

Everyone is singing

Oh, yeah

l hear those sleigh bells ringing

Santa, won't you bring me my honey?

Won't you please bring my baby to me?

l don't want a lot for Christmas

This is all I'm asking for

All I'm asking for

I just wanna see my baby

Standing right outside my door

'Cause l just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

You will ever know

Make my wish come true

All l want for Christmas

Is you

All l want for Christmas

And you and you

All l want for Christmas

(CROWD CHEERlNG)

(CAMERAS CLlCKlNG)

Right.

So, not quite as secret as we'd hoped.

What do we do now?

Smile.

Little bow.

(ALL CHEERlNG)

And a wave.

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

Absolutely no idea. l mean, can you imagine?

l'll see you later, all right?

l'll speak to you. Bye.

Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do?

What position is that?

lmagine your husband bought a gold necklace

and, come Christmas, gave it to somebody else.

Karen. . .

Would you wait around to find out. . .

Good night.

Night, darling. Happy Christmas.

Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace

or if it's sex and a necklace

or if, worst of all, it's a necklace and love?

Would you stay?

Knowing life would always be a little bit worse?

Or would you cut and run?

Oh, God.

l am so in the wrong.

A classic fool.

Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me.

You've made the life l lead foolish, too.

Darling. Darlings!

You were wonderful.

My little lobster, you were so. . .

What is that word?

Orange.

Come on, l've got treats at home. Dad's coming.

Sammy! Fantastic show! Classic drumming, Son.

Thanks. Plan didn't work, though.

Tell her, then.

Tell her what? Tell her that you love her.

No way. Anyway, they fly tonight.

Even better. Sam, you've got nothing to lose,

and you'll always regret it if you don't.

l never told your mom enough.

l should have told her every day,

because she was perfect every day.

You've seen the films, kiddo. lt ain't over till it's over.

Okay, Dad. Let's do it.

Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

Yes.

Just give me one sec.

Yeah.

l'm sorry.

Sorry.

That's okay.

My fault.

No, no, really, it wasn't.

You're Sam's dad, aren't you?

Yeah. Stepdad, actually.

Daniel. l'm Carol.

Carol.

Okay, l'm back. Let's go.

Yeah. Well. . .

l hope we'll meet again, Karen.

Carol.

(LAUGHS)

l'll make sure we do.

Yeah? Good.

Tell her. What?

You know. . .

Don't be such an arse.

Look, there she is. Where?

Over there.

Oh, no.

lt's okay, we'll go to the airport. l know a shortcut.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(SPEAKlNG PORTUGUESE)

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Wait. Wait.

Oh, no.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Look, we're not actually flying.

You can't come through without a boarding pass.

Not even to let the boy say goodbye to the love of his life?

No.

l'm sorry, Sam. Boarding pass, sir?

Just a moment, l know l've got it here somewhere.

Sorry. Would you mind hanging on to that?

Unless. . . What?

Do you want to make a run for it?

Hold on to that, as well.

You think l should? Yeah.

Thank you. Hold those.

Okay.

Yes!

No, l must have left them where l was having a cup of coffee.

l'm sorry.

(BEEPlNG)

(lNAUDlBLE)

(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Joanna.

Sam?

l thought you didn't know my name.

Course l do.

Oh, Jesus. Here, l've gotta run.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(SPEAKlNG PORTUGUESE)

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(SHUSHlNG)

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Thank you.

That will be nice.

Yes is being my answer.

Easy question.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(ALL CHEERlNG)

Bravo!

You learned English?

Just in cases.

Hello, Daisy.

This one's Greta.

Hello, Greta.

Here she is. This is Aurelia. This is Juliet. This is Peter.

Mark, hi, didn't see you there.

Yeah, just thought l'd tag along.

Jamie's friends are so good-looking.

He never tells me this.

l think maybe now l have made the wrong choice,

picked wrong Englishman.

She can't speak English properly.

She doesn't know what she's saying.

DAlSY: Dad ! Dad !

Oh, God.

Did you get us any presents?

As a matter of fact, l did.

BERNlE: Thanks, Dad.

How are you?

l'm fine. l'm fine.

Good to have you back.

Come on. Home.

There she is.

Hi.

Hello.

He should have kissed her.

No, that's cool.

Hey. What are you two doing here?

l might get a shag at last.

Naughty.

Got to go.

Bye.

(EXCLAlMS)

Now, this is Harriet.

Hi. Really pleased to meet you.

Hello, Harriet.

l hope you don't mind, l sort of brought my sister to stay.

This is Carla. She's real friendly.

Hello, you must be Tony.

l heard you were gorgeous.

God, you weigh a lot.

Shut your face.