Original subtitles

-I PRAY THEE, GENTLE MORTAL, SING AGAIN.

MINE EAR IS MUCH ENAMORED OF THY NOTE.

SO IS MINE EYE ENTHRALLED TO THY SHAPE.

AND THY FAIR VIRTUES FORCE PERFORCE

DOTH MOVE ME ON THE FIRST VIEW TO SAY, TO SWEAR, I LOVE THEE.

-WELL, METHINKS, MISTRESS,

YOU SHOULD HAVE LITTLE REASON FOR THAT.

AND YET, TO SAY THE TRUTH,

REASON AND LOVE KEEP LITTLE COMPANY TOGETHER NOWADAYS.

'TIS MORE THE PITY THAT SOME HONEST NEIGHBORS

WILL NOT MAKE THEM FRIENDS.

NAY, NAY, NAY. I CAN GLEEK UPON OCCASION.

-THOU ART AS WISE AS THOU ART BEAUTIFUL.

-OH, NOT SO NEITHER.

BUT IF I HAD WIT ENOUGH TO GET OUT OF THIS WOOD,

UH, I HAVE ENOUGH TO SERVE MINE OWN TURN.

TOODLE-OO. -OUT OF THIS WOOD

DO NOT DESIRE TO GO.

THOU SHALT REMAIN HERE WHETHER THOU WILT OR NO.

I AM THE SPIRIT OF NO COMMON RATE.

THE SUMMER STILL DOTH TEND UPON MY STATE.

AND I DO LOVE THEE. -Jane, where are you?

We needed you back five minutes ago.

-OH!

-WHO IS THAT?

HELLO?

I CAN'T SEE, BUT I KNOW YOU'RE THERE.

STAGE MANAGER, CAN YOU CALL SECURITY?

THIS IS NOT "PHANTOM OF THE OPERA."

IT'S BLOODY SHAKESPEARE!

♪♪

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ]

-[ SIGHS ]

[ SAW WHIRRING IN DISTANCE ]

[ SIGHS ]

HEY, WORKING GIRL.

I'VE BEEN WAITING IN THE LOBBY ABOUT 15 MINUTES.

WE GETTING LUNCH OR NOT?

COME ON.

-[ Singsong voice ] YOU SMELL LIKE A CIGARETTE.

-WELL, SHIT. I SPRAYED PERFUME.

-[ Normal voice ] IT DIDN'T HELP. YOU REEK.

-DON'T RUN AND GO TELL MOM.

-I DON'T RUN AND TELL. YOU SMELL LIKE SMOKE.

SHE ASKS ME IF YOU'RE STILL SMOKING.

YOU MUST BE SMOKING.

YOU DON'T SMOKE IN YOUR COSTUME, DO YOU?

-ARE YOU HUNGRY YET? I'M STARVING.

-YOU'RE STARVING? -YEAH.

-YOU ATE LIKE FIVE HOURS AGO.

-WELL, REHEARSAL TAKES A LOT OUT OF ME.

I NOTICED YOU WERE PRETTY CAUGHT UP

IN YOUR WORK TODAY, TOO, HUH?

JANE? JANE? COME ON.

NO, NO, NO. GET AWAY FROM THERE, PLEASE.

HELLO? I KNOW YOU HEARD ME.

PLEASE DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T.

-I'M NOT GONNA FALL.

-YOU'VE GOTTEN STITCHES MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT,

AND I DON'T WANT TO FISH YOU OUT OF THE RIVER TODAY.

-EIGHT TIMES. YOU CAN COUNT TO EIGHT.

-GUYS IN THE MILITARY DON'T GET THAT MANY STITCHES.

-COME ON. LET'S GET A HOT DOG.

-WHERE'D I MEET ROB?

-YEAH, WHERE'D YOU MEET ROB?

-NO, I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME, JANE.

I WAS JUST TAKING A SECOND. PEANUTS?

-YOU MEAN YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

-CUT ME SOME SLACK.

MY MEMORY'S NOT AS SHARP AS YOURS.

WE WERE AT A BAR. -WHICH BAR?

-ROMANTIC, RIGHT? [ CHUCKLES ] -WHICH BAR WAS IT?

WAS IT IN MANHATTAN? -ACTUALLY, NO.

WE WERE ON THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE BAR AND --

-WHAT STREET?

-WHICH STREET? I DON'T KNOW WHICH STREET.

IT WAS IN THE VILLAGE SOMEWHERE.

-SO YOU WERE IN MANHATTAN.

EAST OR WEST?

WAS IT NEAR THAT PARK WITH ALL THE DRUG ADDICTS?

-WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS,

NANCY DREW?

-NOTHING.

JUST CURIOUS, I GUESS.

YOU'RE COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY BREAKFAST TOMORROW, RIGHT?

-HAVE I EVER MISSED IT?

-TWICE.

[ SHIP HORN BLARES IN DISTANCE ]

-UH, IS YOUR NEW FRIEND LUCY COMING?

THE ONE FROM YOUR CLASS?

-I DON'T LIKE HANGING OUT WITH HER ANYMORE.

SHE HAS THREE CATS,

AND THERE'S ALWAYS HAIR ALL OVER HER SHIRTS.

-UGH.

HEY, I'M SORRY YOUR BIRTHDAY LUNCH WASN'T SOMETHING FANCIER.

-NO, THIS IS ALL I WANTED.

♪♪

-HI, MOM. -HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?

-BROOKLYN TO QUEENS? YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE SOME BIG JOURNEY.

-IT'S TOO BAD ROB COULDN'T MAKE IT.

-YEAH, HE'S, UH, WORKING IN THE FIELD TODAY.

HAD SOME INTERVIEWS WITH WORKERS AND STUFF.

BUT HE SENDS HIS LOVE.

-OH, WE WORKS SO HARD.

ONE DAY, THEY'RE GONNA GIVE HIM THE REAL JUICY STUFF.

-MM. -SO, HOW'S THE APARTMENT?

EVERYTHING, UH, UNPACKED? -YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME PEOPLE OVER TOMORROW NIGHT

FOR A LITTLE HOUSEWARMING THING, SO...

-YOU INVITED JANE, OF COURSE?

-YEAH, OF COURSE. -Yeah!

HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

THAT MEANS WE HAVE THE HOUSE ALL TO OURSELVES.

-MM-HMM. MWAH!

-WAIT. ISN'T MAGGIE COMING OVER? OR HANNAH?

DOES SHE STILL HANG OUT WITH HANNAH?

-YEAH, SHE JUST --

JANE DIDN'T WANT A PARTY THIS YEAR.

YOU KNOW HOW SHE DOESN'T LIKE ALL THE COMMOTION.

HONEY, ARE THOSE CHOCOLATE-CHIP PANCAKES?

-YES, THEY ARE. -OH, MY GOD.

NO.

JANE WANTED BLUEBERRY.

-JANEY ASKED FOR CHOCOLATE-CHIP PANCAKES.

-I DON'T THINK SHE DID.

-WHERE IS THAT GIRL?

-OH, MY GOD. -JANEY, HONEY? WE'RE ALL WAITING ON YOU.

PANCAKES ARE GETTING COLD. -THIS IS JUST NOT A GOOD IDEA.

-ARE YOU GUYS ALL RIGHT? YOU SEEM A LITTLE ON EDGE.

-NO, WE'RE GOOD.

WE'RE GOOD.

AND JANE'S GREAT.

SHE'S SO, YOU KNOW, HIGH-FUNCTIONING,

SO INDEPENDENT, AND...

ACTUALLY, HONEY, NOW THAT WE'RE TOGETHER,

WE REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

-THERE'S THE BIRTHDAY GIRL. -OH, THERE SHE IS.

-HAPPY BIR-- -NO, NO, NO.

-25 YEARS OLD.

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE PEANUT.

[ MATCH STRIKES ] -HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIDDO.

-I DON'T NEED CANDLES ANYMORE. I'M NOT A BABY.

-TOLD YOU NOT TO USE A CANDLE.

-HONEY, ADULTS LOVE CANDLES ON THEIR BIRTHDAY.

RIGHT, BIANCA? -YEAH, OF COURSE THEY DO.

-YES, OF COURSE THEY DO.

-THESE AREN'T BLUEBERRY.

-THEY'RE CHOCOLATE CHIP. YOUR FAVORITE, SWEETIE.

-TOLD YOU.

-I REQUESTED BLUEBERRY THIS YEAR

BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN AND NOT A CHILD.

BUT THAT'S OKAY. I'LL STILL EAT THEM.

-SO, JANEY, DO YOU FEEL ANY OLDER YET?

-NO, MOM STILL HUNG UP BALLOONS AND STREAMERS

WHILE I WAS SLEEPING.

-UH, JANE,

TELL YOUR SISTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE WORKING AT HER THEATER.

-YEAH, I LIKE IT.

I WISH THEY'D LET ME DESIGN THE COSTUMES, THOUGH,

INSTEAD OF SEWING RIPS AND HANGING STUFF.

-THAT WAS GOOD OF YOU TO HELP HER WITH, BIANCA.

-I DIDN'T PULL ANY STRINGS. I JUST TOLD HER ABOUT IT,

AND SHE DID THE REST ALL ON HER OWN.

-DID THEY TELL YOU YET? -TELL ME WHAT?

-YOU KNOW WHAT, JANEY? UH, NOW'S NOT THE TIME.

MAYBE, UH, LATER, AFTER PANCAKES.

-YES, EVERYBODY EAT THEIR PANCAKES.

-WHATEVER IT IS, JANE ALREADY KNOWS, SO --

-BIANCA, EAT YOUR PANCAKES.

-YOU KNOW WHAT?

EVERYBODY JUST CALM DOWN.

-I'M CALM.

JANE, YOU CALM?

WE'RE CALM.

WHAT IS IT?

-UH, WE'RE MOVING TO JERSEY.

-I THINK I'M GONNA PUKE.

-YOU'RE SO DRAMATIC, BIANCA.

-I'M DRAMATIC, TOO. -OF COURSE YOU ARE, HONEY.

-WHA-- I'M SORRY, JERSEY?

WHY IN GOD'S NAME WOULD YOU MOVE TO JERSEY?

-THE COUNTRYSIDE.

IT'S ONLY LIKE AN HOUR OUTSIDE PHILLY.

THERE REALLY ARE SOME LOVELY AREAS.

-PLEASE, MOM.

YOU CAN'T PUT LIPSTICK ON A PIG.

-WATCH YOUR MOUTH. -WHAT DID I SAY?

-YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO GET OUT OF THE CITY

FOR A LONG TIME, GO SOMEPLACE QUIET.

-WHY CAN'T YOU PUT LIPSTICK ON A PIG?

-I CAN WORK ON MY BOOK.

MOM CAN FIND A TEACHING JOB.

-YOGA. MM-HMM.

-BESIDES, WE CAN'T AFFORD THE AREA ANYMORE.

-PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT SELLING THE HOUSE.

WHA-- J-JANE'S OKAY WITH THIS? YOU'RE OKAY WITH THIS?

WHAT ABOUT YOUR INTERNSHIP AND YOUR CLASS AND HER ROUTINES?

YOU GUYS KNOW HOW IMPORTANT HER ROUTINES ARE TO HER.

W-WHAT ABOUT MAGGIE AND HANNAH?

AND WHAT HAPPENS TO JANE?

-THEY WANT HER TO MOVE IN WITH US.

THEY WANT HER TO LIVE WITH US.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

I MEAN, I GUESS SHE WANTS TO, AS WELL. I CAN'T REALLY BLAME HER.

It's a hell of a housewarming gift... -A BEAUTIFUL BIRD.

-...bringing home my autistic sister. -MAKE A MAN CRY IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

FLIES THROUGH THE AIR LIKE AN ANGEL.

-COULD YOU HOLD THAT THOUGHT?

-YEAH. SURE, PAL. TAKE YOUR TIME.

WE'RE JUST TALKING BIRDS, OKAY? -THANK YOU.

-ALL RIGHT. -HEY.

-BABE, DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?

-UH, YEAH, I HEARD YOU.

-AND WHAT DO YOU THINK?

-UGH! [ BIRDS SQUAWKING ]

JESUS CHRIST.

-WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

-I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, YOU KNOW?

FOCUS ON US. -YES, RIGHT. YES.

I LOVE JANEY TO DEATH. SHE IS THE BEST.

I JUST...

I DON'T KNOW THAT I WOULD BE COMFORTABLE

WITH THAT RESPONSIBILITY, YOU KNOW?

-YES. EXACTLY. THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THEM.

-YOU TOLD YOUR PARENTS I DIDN'T WANT HER MOVING IN.

THAT'S NOT GOOD. THANKS.

-NO, BABE. I JUST SAID THAT YOU MIGHT NOT

BE 100% COOL WITH IT.

THEY WERE GRILLING THE SHIT OUT OF ME,

AND I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING.

-OKAY, YEAH, RIGHT. LISTEN, NO PROBLEM.

UM, I HAVE TO FINISH THIS,

UH, INTERVIEW WITH THIS INSANE PERSON

THAT HEWITT PUT ME UP TO,

AND I GOT TO SOMEHOW SPIN THIS

AND MAKE THIS INTERESTING OR READABLE.

I DON'T KNOW. UM, SO TONIGHT, WHY DON'T WE DO THIS?

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU A LATE DINNER,

we're gonna crack open some wine,

and I'm going to hug you and kiss you,

and we are gonna celebrate your graduation

from working for tips, okay?

-YEAH. NO, I GET IT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

[ SIGHS ]

-SEMIPALMATED PLOVER. -THERE HE IS.

PLOVER, YES. BEAUTIFUL CREATURE.

I GUESS THE POINT I'M TRYING TO GET AT, BUDDY,

IS THE TEENAGERS COME IN HERE AT NIGHT WHEN I'M NOT HERE.

THEY WON'T LET ME STAY OVERNIGHT --

ANOTHER STORY ENTIRELY.

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

-JANE, COME ON. OPEN UP.

-WHAT?

-I'VE GOT YOUR PANCAKES HERE, AND YOU ONLY HAD LIKE ONE BITE.

-I'M NOT HUNGRY.

-I'M NOT GOING BACK TO HIM.

-THAT'S SILLY.

OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING BACK TO HIM.

WELL, IF YOU DON'T GO BACK TO HIM,

YOU'LL SPOIL EVERYTHING FOR US.

YOU CAN SEE THAT, CAN'T YOU?

-YOU SMELL LIKE SMOKE. MOM'S GONNA SAY SOMETHING.

-IF I STAY MARRIED AND KEEP YOU ON THE SIDE...

-I'M SORRY I GOT SO FRUSTRATED AT THE TABLE.

-... AND WHEN I'M LONELY...

-IT'S JUST A LOT TO TAKE IN ON THE SPOT.

YOU KNOW? -OH, BROTHER.

-M-MOM AND DAD JUST --

-Shh!

I LOVE THIS PART.

-IS THAT WHAT YOU EXPECTED OF ME?

-HELEN, LISTEN.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

-SUDDENLY I'VE GOTTEN VERY COLD FEET.

-HEY, I'M HAVING A HOUSEWARMING PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT, JANE.

I WANT YOU TO COME.

WE CAN TALK ABOUT ALL THIS SCARY MOVING STUFF LATER, OKAY?

YOU'LL COME, WON'T YOU?

WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS, JANE.

YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE OFTEN.

WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

-OKAY, FINE.

I'LL GO. JUST BE QUIET, PLEASE.

I CAN'T LISTEN TO YOU AND HAVE MY EYES WORK AT THE SAME TIME.

-OKAY.

-CHARLIE...

-I NEED THAT FUCKING SQUASH IN TWO.

-IT'S COMING. IT'S COMING.

-DON'T YOU FUCK WITH ME, JOSé.

-PICK UP! THANK YOU. [ BELL DINGS ]

-ETA ON THOSE LOBSTERS? WHO'S WORKING THOSE LOBSTERS?

SOMEBODY BETTER BE WORKING THOSE FUCKING LOBSTERS.

-HERE'S YOUR RE-COOK -- MEDIUM-RARE.

HOPE THE BASTARD CHOKES. [ BELL DINGS ]

-YEAH, VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.

-I TOLD YOU I'M GONNA MAKE THAT HAPPEN, RIGHT?

KIM THE WAITRESS?

EYEBROWS? -OHH.

-EYEBROWS. -NO.

-YEAH. -BEAUTIFUL.

-JACKIE BOY, HOW'S IT HANGING?

-HEY, GYP.

NOT BAD, MAN. WAS IN THE WEEDS.

NOW I'M NOT IN THE WEEDS.

-THAT'S GREAT.

SAY, JACK, GOT ANYTHING ON THE BACK BURNER FOR ME?

I'M FRESH OUT OF NEW RECIPES.

-SURE.

YEAH, GYP, LET ME WHIP SOMETHING UP.

[ UTENSIL SCRAPES ]

A FILET OF BROOK TROUT WITH CRUSHED PISTACHIOS AND WALNUTS

DRIZZLED WITH A LIGHT GRAY FRUIT BUTTER.

THERE'S SOME VEGETABLES AND SHIT IN THERE, TOO.

-WOW. YOU MADE THIS FOR ME?

-WITH MY OWN BLOOD, SWEAT, TEARS,

AND A LITTLE BIT OF SNOT. -AH.

AH, THAT SMELLS AMAZING. -DON'T MENTION IT.

FIGURED EVERYONE DESERVES A LAST MEAL.

I'M MEETING ONE OF THE WAITRESSES

WHEN SHE GETS OFF, SO WHY DON'T WE OPEN UP A TAB, HUH?

[ CLICKS TONGUE ] -"JACK'S TAB."

RIGHT. WHAT HAPPENED TO CHRISTY?

-OH, IT'S KIM NOW. [ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ AIR HISSES, CAP CLINKS ] -KIM'S THE WAITRESS?

-YEAH, KIM'S THE WAITRESS.

-CHRISTY SEEMED NICE. YOU TWO WERE COOL TOGETHER.

-YEAH, JUST DIFFERENT SCHEDULES.

YOU KNOW.

-SOME THINGS WERE GETTING SERIOUS, HUH?

-THINGS WERE NEVER SERIOUS.

LOOKS LIKE EVERYONE'S GOT THE SAME IDEA, HUH?

-HMM. YEAH. IT PAYS TO HAVE REGULARS.

-YOU GOT SOME NICE REGULARS. [ Laughing ] OH, SHIT.

OH, MAN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S YOUR LAST NIGHT.

AND SOME COMPANY FOR THE OCCASION.

THE ONLY OTHER GUY IN HERE LOOKS LIKE A PIRATE.

-[ LAUGHS ] -[ GROANS ]

-AND IT'S STILL EARLY. HOW ABOUT THAT?

-WELL, HERE'S TO YOU, A FULLY EMPLOYED ACTRESS

SUPPORTING HERSELF OFF THE FRUITS OF HER OWN LABOR.

MAZEL TOV.

-HERE'S TO PAYING EQUITY DUES.

[ BOTTLES CLINK ]

MM.

-YOU LOOK LIKE YOU BEEN SUCKING ON A LEMON.

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? NOT ENOUGH PRESENTS FOR YOU?

-NO, IT'S JUST...

IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.

THAT'S ALL.

-COME ON. IT'S YOUR LAST NIGHT.

JUST DON'T TAKE MY LUCKY.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

IT'S LATE. HE DOESN'T CARE.

LOOK AT THIS GUY.

[ GLASS THUDS ] ATTAGIRL.

GIVE ME ONE OF THESE.

[ LIGHTER CLICKS ]

-MM.

-HOW'S MY ROBBIE BOY?

EXCITED FOR HIS BIG COMING-OUT PARTY TOMORROW?

-HE'S INSANE. -[ RETCHES ]

-UGH. -OH, JESUS CHRIST.

[ BAR STOOL CREAKS ]

-[ MUMBLES ]

[ THUD ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ MUSIC PLAYS INDISTINCTLY IN BACKGROUND ]

-[ SIGHS ]

HEY. WELCOME TO FISH BAR, WHERE IT'S ALWAYS HAPPY HOUR.

WATCH OUT FOR THAT PUKE THERE. [ CHUCKLES ]

-OH. -WHAT YOU GOT?

COOKIES? EXCELLENT.

YOU CAN LEAVE THOSE WITH ME.

I'M JUST JOKING.

YOU CAN PUT THEM RIGHT OVER HERE

WITH ALL THE OTHER GOODIES.

CHOCOLATE CHIP?

[ PLATE THUDS ] -WHERE'S BIANCA?

-SHE'S GETTING THE MOP FOR THAT MESS OVER THERE.

-HERE.

HAVE A SEAT.

I'VE BEEN SAVING THIS SEAT FOR A PRETTY GAL

GOING ON 10 MINUTES NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?

OR STAND. STANDING'S GOOD, TOO.

-YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE SAVING IT FOR SOMEONE.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY, CLEARS THROAT ]

[ COUGHS ]

-I'M SORRY. IS IT THE SMOKE? HERE.

THERE. IT'S OUT.

-You really shouldn't do that.

It's bad for you.

AND IT'S ILLEGAL TO SMOKE INDOORS

IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK. -I'VE HEARD THAT.

I'VE ALSO HEARD THAT COOKIES MAKE YOUR BUTT BIG.

WELL, I'D RATHER HAVE A BIG COOKIE BUTT THAN BE DEAD.

-[ LAUGHS ] YEAH, 'CAUSE THEN YOU COULD EAT

YOUR OWN BIG COOKIE BUTT.

-[ LAUGHING ]

-STOP IT. I'M NOT THAT FUNNY.

YOU'LL MAKE MY HEAD BIG.

[ Chuckling ] JESUS.

YOU, UH...

YOU MUST BE IN THE BIANCA'S REGULARS CLUB.

I'M A MEMBER, TOO. I'M JACK.

IT'S OKAY. THEY'RE CLEAN.

-CAN YOU JUST TELL HER I BROUGHT HER COOKIES?

THEY'RE HER FAVORITE.

-YEAH, SURE.

-IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU!

-WHO SHOULD I SAY YOU ARE? [ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ SCOFFS ]

THAT'S A FUCKING GOOD COOKIE.

-SHE'S MY SIS AND YOU TAKE CARE OF FAMILY,

BUT WHAT THEY'RE ASKING,

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE FORCING ME TO SAY IT.

[ LIQUID POURS ] -SAY WHAT?

-WELL, THERE'S NO NICE WAY OF TELLING SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM

BUT YOU DON'T WANT THEM AROUND.

-NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ME. I GET IT.

IF MISCHA WANTED TO MOVE IN WITH ME,

I'D BE LIKE, "HELL NO, BITCH."

-RIGHT?

-THEY'RE ASKING ME TO TAKE ON A FULL-TIME JOB

WHEN I'M ABOUT TO BE UP TO MY TITS IN EIGHT SHOWS PER WEEK.

AND LOOKING AFTER HER ISN'T EXACTLY A CAKEWALK, YOU KNOW?

-I KNOW. I REMEMBER HOW SHE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

BUT SHE SEEMS MUCH BETTER NOW.

-NO, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

SHE IS BETTER.

THERE'S JUST A LOT.

SHE'S... A LOT.

-WELL, THEN WHY DID YOU INVITE HER?

-HI, ROBBIE.

-HI, UH, CYNTHIA ON MY TABLE.

-WHAT WAS THAT, HONEY?

-I JUST SAID, WHY DID YOU INVITE HER, THEN,

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH HER ALL NIGHT?

-WELL, I HAD TO CHEER HER UP SOMEHOW,

AND PANCAKES WEREN'T EXACTLY [SNAPS FINGERS] DOING THE TRICK.

-I JUST -- I DON'T -- I-I DON'T WANT YOU TO KEEP AN EYE

ON HER THE WHOLE TIME IS ALL.

-I GOT IT COVERED, BABE. -YEAH, I KNOW.

I JUST -- I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS COMING FROM WORK IS ALL.

-SO?

-SO I'M JUST STRESSED.

FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.

-IS THAT WHY YOU'RE WEARING A TIE?

-YOU DON'T LIKE THIS? -I GOT TO GO GET DRESSED.

CYNTHIA, BOWL THESE. -OKAY.

[ TRAIN RATTLING ]

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ]

-[ SIGHS ]

-STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS, PLEASE.

[ BELL DINGS ]

-It's such a -- It's a pleasure to meet you.

GOOD EVENING. MY NAME'S JANE.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. [ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]

GOOD EVENING. MY NAME'S JANE.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

YOU DO KNOW MY SISTER. [ TRAIN SCREECHES ]

UGH.

[ TRAIN CLACKING, SCREECHING ]

-OH, BIANCA, HOW'S PLAYING TITANIA?

-OH, MY GOD. WAIT. IS THAT THE "MIDSUMMER"

DIRECTED BY HARRISON WEST? -WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

HOW'D YOU GET THE PART?

-UM, THERE WAS AN OPEN CASTING CALL ON BACKSTAGE, AND --

-DIDN'T HE DIRECT "DIE HARD 6" OR SOMETHING?

-I THINK IT IS INCREDIBLE HOW HE IS MAKING

THE TRANSITION FROM SCREEN TO STAGE.

-THAT'S SO AMAZING, B. B.

I'M, LIKE, SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

-THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

JUST -- CAN YOU EXCUSE ME ONE MINUTE?

SORRY, GUYS.

-[ SCOFFS ]

-ALREADY A FUCKING DIVA.

-[ SCOFFS ] EW.

-SO -- -OOP, OOP, OOP. -SO, YEAH.

-WAIT. WHEN IS THE WEDDING?

-UH, WELL, WE HAVEN'T SET A DATE JUST YET.

-WELL, ARE YOU THINKING A SUMMER WEDDING?

-UH, NOT SURE. UH, MOST OF MY FAMILY LIVES IN BOSTON NOW.

MOST OF HERS ARE HERE.

IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF WHERE TO FUNNEL THEM.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

-I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GET MARRIED SOMEPLACE WARM

LIKE THE BAHAMAS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

-[ CHUCKLES ] NICE DIGS, ROBBIE BOY.

-UH, THANKS, MY MAN. WE ARE VERY HAPPY WITH IT.

UH, A LOT LESS NOISY THAN THE VILLAGE WAS, YOU KNOW?

UH, LOW CRIME. SUBWAY'S JUST TWO BLOCKS AWAY.

CAME WITH THIS AWESOME SWING.

-RELAX, ROB. WE'RE NOT LOOKING TO BUY IT.

-ALL AROUND, WE'RE PRETTY JAZZED.

-REALLY? YOU'RE JAZZED?

JESUS. OH, EXCUSE ME.

BOY, SURE CAN JAM IN A CROWD.

WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE, MAN?

DO I KNOW ANY OF THESE PEOPLE?

-WELL, IF YOU DON'T, THIS IS, UH --

THIS IS TYPICALLY WHERE YOU WOULD MEET THEM.

-I GUESS YOU DON'T PAL AROUND WITH THE OLD POSSE ANYMORE, HUH?

-WELL, YOU'RE HERE.

-HMM. -YES.

YES, WE ARE. -[ CHUCKLES ]

-SO, UM... UH...

-Kim. -... KIM,

YOU MUST KNOW JACK FROM THE RESTAURANT, THEN.

-YEAH.

-NYU. -WHAT?

-SHE GOES TO FORDHAM. -FORDHAM?

I HAVE A GOOD FRIEND WHO WORKS THERE -- BILL MANNING.

HE'S ADJUNCT, TEACHES A COUPLE OF JOURNALISM CLASSES.

YOU MUST'VE HEARD OF HIM.

-NO.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M GONNA GO GET ANOTHER DRINK. -HEY, SURE.

GET ME ONE, TOO, HUH?

[ LAUGHTER ]

-WHOA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? -OH. SORRY.

DIDN'T SEE YOU.

-CAN SHE DRINK?

-YEAH, SHE CAN. DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

-I'M SORRY. I'M JUST TEASING.

YOU HAVE TO CATCH ME UP TO SPEED.

TELL ME... what happened with the Christy chick?

-WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP BRINGING CHRISTY UP?

THAT'S ANCIENT HISTORY. -OKAY. I'M SORRY, MAN.

I HAD NO IDEA YOU GUYS WEREN'T TOGETHER ANYMORE.

APOLOGIES. PLEASE.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS, UM... [ LIQUID POURING ]

...THIS FORDHAM CHICK WHO IS DRINKING ALL OF MY GOOD WINE.

[ GLASSES CLINK ]

THAT'S A $100 BOTTLE.

-OH, WELL, EXCUSE ME.

-HOW'S THAT FOOD, JANE?

ROB WAS MARINATING THOSE SUCKERS ALL NIGHT.

-IT'S ALL RIGHT.

-JUST BECAUSE IT'S NOT GRILLED CHEESE

DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT GOOD.

-WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH GRILLED CHEESE?

-NOTHING -- AS LONG AS YOU DON'T EAT IT EVERY DAY.

-[ WHIMPERS ]

[ BLENDER SHUTS OFF ] -SORRY.

NEXT TIME, IT'S A LIGHT PUREE.

-HEY, IS THAT DADDY'S SHIRT?

-YEAH, HE SAID I COULD WEAR IT. -OH.

WELL, IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN GO HIT MY CLOSET,

FIND SOMETHING DRESSIER.

-NO, I LIKE THIS SHIRT.

THIS IS DAD'S WRITING SHIRT.

REMEMBER? I SEWED THE BUTTON BACK ON.

-THERE IT IS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE TRY TO GO JOIN THE PARTY?

WE CAN'T REALLY STAY IN THE KITCHEN

ALL NIGHT EATING ALL THE GRUB.

-THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE.

-YEAH, AND THEY ARE ALL NICE.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT? -YEAH.

I MAKE A MEAN MARGARITA.

HELPS ME RELAX.

MAKES TALKING TO ALL THESE PEOPLE EASIER.

HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOU ONE? -HOW ABOUT WE DON'T?

AND SHE'LL JUST HAVE SODA. -NO, I'D LIKE ONE.

I HAD A BEER WITH DAD IN CAPE COD LAST SUMMER.

I CAN ANSWER FOR MYSELF, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

-FINE.

A LITTLE ONE.

-GOT IT.

-[ CHUCKLES ]

[ SIGHS ]

-JANE, YOU ARE LOOKING FABULOUS TONIGHT.

I AM LOVING THAT SEXY MAN SHIRT ON YOU.

-WHOA. EASY.

-WHAT? SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

ALL THE GUYS ARE GONNA WANT A PIECE OF YOU.

-CYNTHIA, ZIP IT.

-WHY DON'T YOU ZIP IT?

MAYBE I WANT TO TURN SOME HEADS.

IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

-I'M GONNA GO SEE IF ANYONE ELSE WANTS A MARGARITA.

-YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY HERE AND BABYSITTING ME ALL NIGHT,

SO HOW ABOUT YOU JUST BUTT OUT OF IT?

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

-[ SIGHS ]

-BOO! -OH, FUCK, JACK.

YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME, ROB.

-I KNOW.

-[ SIGHS ]

-COME ON. -UGH.

AY-YI-YI-YI. -JUST DON'T TAKE MY LUCKY.

-BAD INFLUENCE.

MM.

-[ SIGHS ]

QUITE THE CROWD IN THERE.

YOU SHOULD'VE CHARGED A COVER.

-HMM.

-YOU LOOK BEAT.

-I NOTICED YOU BROUGHT A PLUS-ONE.

KIM FROM THE BAR?

-SHE'S NOT "KIM FROM THE BAR."

SHE'S JUST KIMBERLY.

OR KIM. SHE LIKES KIM. -GOT IT.

-BY THE WAY, DON'T LET THIS SOUR YOU ON HER FOREVER,

BUT SHE'S CURRENTLY IN YOUR BATHROOM VOMITING.

-FOREVER?

THAT'S A BIG WORD FOR YOU, JACK.

THREE WHOLE SYLLABLES.

-I DIDN'T MEAN FOREVER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING HERE.

-YEAH, WELL, THE PARTY'S INSIDE.

EVERYBODY UP THERE -- I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO THEM.

IT'S LIKE, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT?

ALL I'M HEARING IS PEOPLE INVITING EACH OTHER

TO DINNER PARTIES AND WEDDINGS.

-YOU JEALOUS? -NO.

I MEAN, I'M NOT JEALOUS. MAYBE...

I FEEL A LITTLE LEFT OUT.

DOES THAT SOUND GAY? -MM.

-I'M TRYING TO BE SERIOUS.

IT'S LIKE...

IT'S LIKE EVERYBODY WENT AND JOINED THE GROWN-UP CLUB,

AND IT JUST DAWNED ON ME THAT I FORGOT TO.

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? JACK, YOU'RE FINE.

YOU'RE A SOUS-CHEF AT A RESTAURANT IN NEW YORK CITY.

-COME ON. WE GOT 3h STARS ON YELP.

-I'M JUST SAYING YOU'RE FINE.

YOU'RE -- YOU'VE GOT A JOB...

-YEAH... -... YOU GOT KIM.

-[ SCOFFS ] THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL I HAVE.

MY FACEBOOK FEED IS JUST LIKE FUCKING CLOGGED

WITH PARTY PHOTOS AND VACATION PHOTOS

AND WEDDING PHOTOS AND BABY PICTURES.

-YEAH. -EVERYBODY I KNOW IS FUCKING MULTIPLYING.

-MM-HMM. YOU WANT KIDS?

-NO. WITH OVERPOPULATION AND FAMINE AND ICE CAPS MELTING?

NO, IT'S -- IT'S SELFISH.

MAYBE SOMEDAY, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

-WELL, WHAT IS THE POINT?

I'M STARTING TO GET COLD.

-EVERYBODY...

IS DOING SOMETHING WITH THEIR LIVES.

THAT'S MY POINT.

YOU, ROB -- EVERYBODY.

AND THEN THERE'S ME.

ALMOST A DECADE AFTER COLLEGE, I'M STILL SINGLE,

I'M STILL A LINE COOK.

-HEY, SOUS-CHEF.

-EXACTLY.

I'M NOT THE CHEF.

-WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BEER TEARS?

THIS IS VERY UN-JACK-LIKE.

-[ SCOFFS ]

FORGET IT. I'M GONNA COLLECT MY DATE AND GO HOME.

-OH, COME ON. DON'T MOPE.

-I'M NOT MOPING. -YOU'RE MOPING.

-THANKS FOR THE LOVELY EVENING.

GIVE ROBBIE A GOODNIGHT KISS FOR ME.

-YOU'RE MOPING. -I'M NOT MOPING.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND ]

-MNH.

MNH-MNH.

-EXCUSE ME JUST FOR A SECOND.

HEY, JANEY.

HOW ARE YOU?

-GOOD EVENING, ROBERT. -[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME? YOU LOOK...VERY NICE.

-I LIKE YOUR TIE. -THANKS.

I, UH -- I GOT IT AT A, UM...

THANKS. -ARE THOSE FISH?

-I ACTUALLY THINK THEY MIGHT BE BABY SEALS --

SEALS PLAYING WITH BALLS.

-I READ YOUR ARTICLE THE OTHER DAY --

THE ONE ABOUT THE WHALE THE WASHED UP ON THE BEACH.

-YEAH, A BALEEN. BIG SUCKERS.

LOOK LIKE THEY GOT MUSTACHES.

UH, YOU WANT TO MEET SOME OF MY FRIENDS FROM WORK?

THEY, UH -- THEY ALSO WROTE INTERESTING ARTICLES, YOU KNOW?

-NO, I'M JUST GONNA STAY HERE.

-OH.

YOU WANT ME TO STAY WITH YOU?

-THAT'S OKAY. THANKS, THOUGH.

-ALL RIGHT.

HAVE FUN.

I'M RIGHT OVER HERE IF YOU NEED ME.

ALL RIGHT. AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN.

OKAY.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

-[ COUGHS ]

[ VOMITS ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

[ DOOR OPENS ] [ COUGHS ]

-YOU OKAY?

-[ VOMITS ] DON'T LOOK.

-ALL RIGHT.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ SIGHS ]

-[ LAUGHS ]

-[ LAUGHS ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE ]

-[ As Robert de Niro ] YOU LOOKING AT ME?

-[ GASPS ]

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

-[ Normal voice ] HEY.

DON'T RUN OFF!

I JUST WANT TO TALK.

-ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME? -NO.

WELL, YEAH, SORT OF.

I J-- I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU BACK THERE.

A LITTLE JUMPY, AREN'T YOU?

-HOW LONG WERE YOU SPYING ON ME?

-[ CHUCKLES ] NOT LONG.

AND I WASN'T SPYING. I WAS JUST --

I WAS JUST WATCHING YOU.

ONLY FOR A MINUTE, THOUGH. I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE CREEPY.

-I DON'T DO THAT ALL THE TIME,

STARE AT PEOPLE, JUST SO YOU KNOW.

IT'S JUST SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO PEOPLE,

SO I WATCH THEM.

-I HEAR THAT.

I FIGURED SINCE WE DIDN'T GET TO HAVE THAT DRINK LAST NIGHT...

OH, HERE. LET ME.

[ LAUGHS ]

GEEZ.

[ GRUNTS ] -[ CHUCKLES ]

[ AIR HISSES] FUCKING FINALLY. SORRY.

[ LAUGHS ]

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO LOOK COOL.

-IT WAS COOL.

-YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS COOL?

[ CHUCKLES ]

I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY COOL.

[ AIR HISSES ]

THOSE WERE SOME KILLER COOKIES YOU MADE LAST NIGHT, BY THE WAY.

AND I WOULD KNOW. I'M A CHEF.

CHIN CHIN.

CHEERS.

-CHEERS.

[ BOTTLES CLINK ]

-[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

THEY REALLY CAN SEE EVERYTHING FROM UP HERE, CAN'T THEY?

-THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING IS THE ONE THAT REALLY MATTERS.

AS LONG AS YOU CAN SEE THAT, YOU KNOW WHERE YOU REALLY ARE.

WITHOUT IT, YOU MAY AS WELL BE ANYWHERE.

IT'S ONE OF THE WONDERS OF THE WORLD, YOU KNOW?

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

I UNDERSTAND IT MAY BE INTERESTING

THAT HUMANS BUILT IT, BUT A WONDER?

AWE-INSPIRING?

I JUST DON'T GET YOU NEUROTYPICALS

AND WHAT YOU FIND AWESOME.

A STORM ON JUPITER BIGGER THAN OUR WHOLE PLANET,

BLACK HOLES...

STARS COLLAPSING IN ON THEMSELVES AND DYING?

THAT I GET.

YOU CAN SEE A STAR'S DEATH FOR WEEKS AFTER IT'S GONE.

ALL THAT MATTER FLYING THOUGH THE INTERSTELLAR MEDIUM

FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT! [ LAUGHS ]

IT'S ALMOST LIKE IT NEVER DIED.

-ARE YOU AN ASTRONOMER OR SOMETHING?

-I'M A COSTUME DESIGNER.

-HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT SPACE?

-I READ.

[ British accent ] I DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH, REALLY.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

-IS IT OKAY IF I SIT?

-[ Normal voice ] I SUPPOSE SO IF YOU WANT TO.

♪♪

-WOULD NOW BE A GOOD TIME TO CATCH YOUR NAME?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU MINE.

-JACK.

-YOUR NAME'S JACK?

-NO, YOUR NAME'S JACK.

-[ Laughing ] OH, MY GOD. SHE REMEMBERS ME!

SHE REMEMBERS ME.

-[ LAUGHS ]

-NOW, COME ON. WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU?

-IT'S SILLY ONCE I SAY IT. -AW, WHAT?

COME ON.

-JANE.

-JACK AND JANE. [ CHUCKLES ] I LOVE IT.

-SEE? I TOLD YOU IT WAS SILLY. -[ LAUGHS ]

FORGET THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING AND BLACK HOLES.

THAT JUST BLEW MY MIND.

[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ] -[ LAUGHS ]

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

-HEY. THERE YOU ARE.

-HEY, BIANCA.

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ME.

-I-I WASN'T. UM, JANEY,

WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK INSIDE, HON?

JOIN THE PARTY, HUH? -BUT I LIKE IT UP HERE.

-COME ON. THAT'S NOT SAFE.

-I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME. -JANE, I SAID GO BACK INSIDE

AND JOIN THE PARTY.

GO.

-WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

-WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

-LOOK, I-I KNOW I'VE HAD A BAD RUN-IN

WITH A FEW OF YOUR FRIENDS, BUT COME ON.

WE WERE REALLY HITTING IT OFF. -WHAT? WAIT, WAIT.

STOP.

THAT'S MY SISTER.

SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT?

OKAY, UM, JACK,

LOOK, DO US BOTH A FAVOR AND STAY AWAY FROM HER.

Y-YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE GETTING INTO,

SO JUST STAY AWAY FROM HER. -WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WE'RE JUST SITTING HERE -- -I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, MAN.

YOU LET A FART LOOSE, I'LL KNOW ABOUT IT.

-OKAY. THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

OKAY, SO SHE'S YOU SISTER. I GET IT.

BUT WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT -- SHE'S A FULL-GROWN WOMAN.

YOU'RE NOT HER MOTHER. WHAT ARE YOU -- -LISTEN TO ME.

GET YOUR RENT-A-FUCK OUT OF MY BATHROOM

AND TAKE HER WHEREVER IT IS

THE FUCK YOU TAKE CHICKS LIKE THAT,

BUT YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE WITH JANE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I SWEAR TO GOD.

[ BOTTLE THUDS ]

-[ SIGHS ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

HEY, JANE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

-I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

WHY WOULD YOU EMBARRASS ME LIKE THAT?

-I KNOW YOU'RE PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW,

BUT, JANE, THAT GUY --

-HE'S THE ONLY PERSON THAT TALKED TO ME ALL NIGHT,

AND YOU SCARED HIM AWAY. -YES. YES, I DID.

BECAUSE HE IS ONLY TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE HE WANTS SOMETHING.

HE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

LET'S JUST GO BACK INSIDE. -YOU SMELL LIKE SMOKE.

GET AWAY FROM ME! -PLEASE DO NOT SHOUT.

I HAVE NEIGHBORS, JANE.

-GO AWAY!

STOP HOVERING AROUND ME ALL THE TIME!

YOU DON'T EVEN WANT ME TALKING TO ANYONE.

WHY DID YOU INVITE ME IF YOU DON'T TRUST ME

TO TALK TO ANYONE? -IT'S JACK THAT I DON'T TRUST.

HE IS NOT THE KIND OF GUY WHO WOULD RESPECT

HOW YOU'RE... DIFFERENT.

-[ GASPS ] HEY, EVERYBODY! I'M DIFFERENT!

BIG WHOOP-DE-DO!

STOP TREATING ME LIKE I'M SOME BABY.

-WELL, THEN, WHY DON'T YOU START ACTING LIKE A GROWN-UP?

-YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT I WANT.

YOU'VE NEVER CARED ABOUT WHAT I WANT.

-YEAH, JANE, I DO.

CAN YOU TELL ME?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

-SHE WANTS A BOYFRIEND.

THAT IS SO GREAT!

-I'M JUST NOT SURE SHE'S READY FOR A BOYFRIEND.

I MEAN, AT LEAST SHE SAID SHE WANTED SOMEONE LIKE ROB, BUT...

-YOU THOUGHT SHE'D NEVER WANT ONE?

-SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN KIND OF A LONER.

-YOU'RE JUST BEING OVERPROTECTIVE.

-OF COURSE I AM.

THIS IS DELICATE.

I DON'T THINK SHE'S EVER EVEN BEEN KISSED.

-WELL, HAVE YOU ASKED HER? -NO.

-WELL, THEN, HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

[ LAUGHS ] -UGH!

-SHE NEEDS TO GO OUT.

WE SHOULD GO CLUBBING.

IT WOULD BE A TOTALLY NEW EXPERIENCE FOR HER.

SHE COULD LET HER HAIR DOWN, SHAKE HER TAIL FEATHER.

-A NIGHTCLUB. YEAH. SHE'D FUCKING COMBUST.

-WELL, WHAT ABOUT A MATCH.COM PROFILE?

I'M ON MATCH.COM.

-HOW'S THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU? -[ SIGHS ]

-SHE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP INVOLVES.

I MEAN, EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS

SHE GETS FROM WATCHING OLD MOVIES.

AND ANYONE WE'D SET HER UP WITH

WOULDN'T EXACTLY BE EXPECTING TO WALK HER THROUGH IT

OR BE AN ASPY'S FIRST DATE, FOR THAT MATTER.

IF WE WERE TO DO SOMETHING, WE WOULD HAVE TO TAKE IT SLOW,

FIND SOMEONE WHO'S JUST AS NEW AT ALL THIS AS SHE IS.

-OH, MY GOD.

THERE'S THIS GUY I KNOW FROM WORK.

HE'S SUPER SWEET. HIS NAME IS STEVEN.

I WOULDN'T GO SO FAR AS TO SAY HE'S MENTALLY HANDICAPPED,

BUT HE'S GOT SOMETHING.

WE ONLY GIVE HIM THE EASY STUFF.

I THINK HE COULD BE PERFECT.

COME ON.

COME ON!

-I DON'T KNOW. -COME ON.

WE'RE DOING IT. -WELL, HOW -- I --

♪♪

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

-HEY, JANEY.

CYNTHIA AND I MISSED YOU AT LUNCH.

-WELL, I HAD A LOT OF WORK TO DO,

SO I DECIDED TO EAT HERE TODAY.

I'M COMFORTABLE ADJUSTING MY ROUTINE,

FOR YOUR INFORMATION.

-WELL, UM, WHEN I'M DONE WITH REHEARSAL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

YOU WANT TO COME HAVE DINNER WITH ME?

[ KEYS CLACK ] WELL, TAKE MY KEYS,

AND WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED, HEAD TO MY PLACE.

TAKE A SHOWER. PICK OUT SOMETHING --

WHATEVER YOU LIKE.

SOUND LIKE A PLAN?

COOL. SEE YOU ABOUT 6:00.

[ JACKHAMMER RATTLING ]

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ]

-[ SIGHS ]

[ TRUCK BEEPING ]

-[ SNORING ]

-[ SIGHS ]

-METHINKS, MISTRESS,

YOU SHOULD HAVE LITTLE REASON FOR THAT.

AND YET, TO SAY THE TRUTH,

REASON AND LOVE KEEP LITTLE COMPANY TOGETHER NOWADAYS.

'TIS MORE THE PITY THAT SOME HONEST NEIGHBORS

WILL NOT MAKE THEM FRIENDS.

[ CHUCKLES ] NAY, NAY. I CAN GLEEK UPON OCCASION.

-THOU ART AS WISE AS THOU ART BEAUTIFUL.

-OH, NOT SO NEITHER.

BUT IF I HAD WIT ENOUGH TO GET OUT OF THIS WOOD,

I HAVE ENOUGH TO SERVE MINE OWN TURN.

TOODLES.

-OUT OF THIS WOOD DO NOT DESIRE TO GO.

THOU SHALT REMAIN HERE WHETHER THOU WILT OR NO.

I AM A SPIRIT OF NO COMMON RATE.

-UGH!

JESUS FUCK!

HAVE TO GET ONE OF THE TECHIES

TO PUT SOME GLOW TAPE OR SOMETHING, PERHAPS SOME FLARES,

PRETEND I'M AN AEROPLANE SO IT'S SAFE.

-TITANIA, ARE YOU -- YOU PRESENT?

YOU WITH US? -YES.

MY APOLOGIES. I --

-NEVER APOLOGIZE.

YOU SOUND LIKE AN AMATEUR BROWN-NOSING IDIOT.

NO MORE FUCK-UPS!

WE'RE TOO CLOSE TO OPENING FOR FUCK-UPS.

FROM THE TOP.

-OH, I SEE THEIR KNAVERY. [ IMITATES ANIMAL BRAYING ]

THIS IS TO MAKE AN ASS OF ME.

-I SAID FROM THE TOP, JEFFREY!

-Y-YOU MEAN THE BEGINNING OF THE PLAY?

-[ Laughing ] YES!

[ LAUGHS ]

ARE ALL ACTORS THIS FUCKING STUPID?

IT WAS A JOKE, PEOPLE.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT WORK.

GREAT.

THESEUS, HIPPOLYTA,

GET YOUR TIGHT LITTLE ASSES ON STAGE.

-[ LAUGHS ]

[ HANGERS CLACKING ]

♪♪

-♪ A SWEET LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME ♪

♪ I'M GONNA FALL IN LOVE ♪

♪ I KNOW IT'S GONNA HAPPEN ♪

♪ FLYIN' ALL AROUND ME LIKE AN ANGEL FROM HEAVEN ABOVE ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT IT'S A SIGN ♪

-♪ SHA, LA, OOH ♪

-♪ THAT BOY'S GONNA BE ALL MINE ♪

♪ A SWEET LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME ♪

♪ I'M GONNA FALL IN LOVE ♪

-♪ SWEET-TWEET, SWEET-TWEET BIRDIE ♪

♪ SWEET-TWEET, SWEET-TWEET BIRDIE ♪

-♪ WHEN HE PASSED BY, I SAW A LITTLE SPARKLE IN HIS EYE ♪

♪ I NEVER SAW BEFORE ♪

♪ NOW HE'S GOT ME DREAMIN' THAT SOMEDAY HE'S GONNA BE MY GUY ♪

♪ HE CAME OVER TO TALK TO ME ♪

-♪ SHA, LA, OOH ♪

-♪ SMILED AT ME SO TENDERLY ♪

-♪ SHA, LA, OOH ♪ -♪ SWEET LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME ♪

♪ HE'S GONNA FALL IN LOVE ♪

-♪ SWEET-TWEET, SWEET, SWEET-TWEET ♪

-♪ THAT LITTLE BIRDIE KNOWS EVERYTHING ♪

-♪ EVERYTHING ♪

-♪ AND WE FLY AROUND THE CHAPEL ♪

♪ WHEN THE WEDDING BELLS RING ♪

-I KNOW I MAY BE BUTTING INTO SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T,

BUT, DARLING, THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM.

YOU KNOW, IF I WAS SMART, I'D FIND MYSELF ANOTHER DATE

AND FORGET ALL ABOUT YOU.

[ COUGHS ] -♪ NOW I KNOW IT WAS A SIGN ♪

-Robbie. -HEY, JACK THE RIPPER,

WHAT IS UP?

-Can you meet me at Fish Bar?

-WHAT? LIKE NOW?

WHAT? WELL, CAN YOU GIVE ME AN HOUR?

-What, you can't duck out? Aren't you working?

-I'M IN THE OFFICE.

I GOT A MEETING ANY MINUTE NOW.

I'M NOT SURE HOW LONG IT'S GONNA TAKE.

-Robert, this is urgent.

-WELL, HOW URGENT ARE WE TALKING?

-You should be sitting at a barstool right now next to me.

-[ CHUCKLES ] OKAY, I GET IT. IT'S URGENT.

IT'S URGENT, MAN. OKAY, I GET IT.

ALL RIGHT, BYE. -Thank you.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

-[ WHISTLING SOFTLY ]

[ COFFEE POURS ] -PAUL.

-AH, ROB SHEA. HEY, LONG TIME NO SEE.

HOW'S, UM -- HOW'S THE MORNING EDITION TREATING YOU?

-UGH, GRUELING AS EVER, BUT, UH, EH, IT'S NOT BAD.

W-WE MISS YA.

HOW'S -- HOW'S WORKING IN THE FIELD?

-WELL, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE INTO COVERING THE MERMAID PARADE

AND CYCLING DEATHS... -[ LAUGHS ]

-...IT'S A BLAST.

-WHAT BRINGS YOU AROUND? [ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

DON'T YOU JUST E-MAIL ALL YOUR SHIT?

-I, UH -- I GOT A MEETING WITH HEWITT.

-OOH. GOOD OR BAD?

-I DO NOT KNOW YET. -YIKES.

UH, GOOD LUCK.

-THANKS.

SAY, UH, PAUL?

-YEAH?

-UM...

DIDN'T YOU ONCE MENTION YOU HAVE A -- A BROTHER

THAT'S...SLOW?

-WELL, HE'S AUTISTIC.

-RIGHT. Right.

RIGHT.

HE'S OLDER?

HE'S YOUNGER.

-HE'S 29.

WHY?

-JUST WONDERING.

-THANKS.

-SHOULD'VE LET ME GET A COCKTAIL.

-BE HONEST. YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT ONE.

-I HAD A DRINK AT YOUR PLACE.

-DID YOU?

-YEAH. COGNAC.

-WELL, I LIKE WHAT YOU PICKED OUT.

I HAVEN'T WORN THAT IN FOREVER.

-YOU WORE IT WHEN WE WENT TO SEE GRANDMA LAST CHRISTMAS.

-TAKE IT. IT'S YOURS.

-NO, IT'S YOURS. I GOT IT FROM YOUR CLOSET.

-NO, I MEAN, I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT.

IT LOOKS REALLY LOVELY ON YOU.

-ROB LIKES ME, RIGHT? -OF COURSE HE DOES.

-I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE

WHO DIDN'T WANT ME TO MOVE IN,

OR IF HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO, EITHER.

-JANE, LOOK AT ME.

HEY. EYES ON ME.

ROB LIKES YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S JUST WE BOTH FEEL THAT,

SEEING AS HE AND I HAVE NEVER LIVED TOGETHER BEFORE,

WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON ADJUSTING TO EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW?

-IN OTHER WORDS, YOU THINK I'LL SCREW IT UP.

-THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.

CAN WE JUST FOCUS ON HAVING A NICE TIME TOGETHER TODAY?

-I KNOW YOU THINK I'LL BE A BURDEN, BUT I'LL BE GOOD.

I PROMISE.

I'LL CLEAN UP AFTER MYSELF

AND I WON'T BOTHER ROB WHEN HE'S IN HIS STUDY

AND I'LL GIVE YOU PLENTY OF ALONE TIME TO MAKE LOVE.

-JANE, I'M SURE YOU WOULD. THAT --

CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE RIGHT NOW?

-WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT?!

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

MOM AND DAD ALREADY STARTED PACKING EVERYTHING!

-JANE, I SAID NOT NOW.

PLEASE.

[ INDISTINCT MURMURS ]

HEY, I FOUND YOU A DATE.

A FRIEND OF CYNTHIA'S.

-REALLY?

-MM-HMM.

-THAT WAS FAST.

-DID I DO GOOD OR WHAT?

-WHAT'S HE LIKE? IS HE HANDSOME?

WHAT DID CYNTHIA SAY ABOUT HIM?

-UM, THAT HE'S GOT A LOT IN COMMON WITH YOU.

HE'S GOT A JOB AT THE BANK -- AT CYNTHIA'S BANK.

HE'S A BANKER.

-WHEN ARE WE GONNA GO OUT? -I DON'T KNOW.

WHEN DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE CYNTHIA TELL HIM YOU'RE FREE?

-ANY NIGHT. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

-WELL, LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES.

IT'S A FIRST DATE, SO LET'S TAKE IT SLOW.

-I GUESS I'LL KEEP THE DRESS AFTER ALL.

YOU KNOW, JUST SO I HAVE SOMETHING TO WEAR.

-OKAY.

-I BET HE'S HANDSOME.

BANKERS ARE ALWAYS HANDSOME.

-[ LAUGHS ]

-I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME

BIANCA'S LITTLE SISTER'S PHONE NUMBER.

I WANT TO CALL HER. TODAY.

-JANE?

-DOES SHE HAVE OTHER SISTERS?

-HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW JANE?

-I MET HER HERE THE OTHER NIGHT AND THEN AT THE PARTY.

-YOU TALKED TO HER? -YEAH, I TALKED TO HER.

-AND?

-SHE'S INTERESTING. [ CHUCKLES ]

-YOU NOTICE ANYTHING A BIT, UH, DIFFERENT ABOUT HER?

-YEAH. LIKE I SAID, SHE'S INTERESTING.

SHE'S -- SHE'S SHY, SHE'S AWKWARD, EVEN,

BUT IN A FUCKING CUTE WAY.

-DOES BIANCA KNOW ABOUT THIS?

-THAT WE MET? YEAH, SHE TOLD ME TO STAY AWAY.

-YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LISTEN TO HER, THEN.

YOU KNOW HOW SHE CAN GET. -FUCK THAT NOISE.

IF JANE TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM BIANCA,

WOULD YOU HAVE LISTENED?

-THAT'S NOT -- THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING, MAN.

-ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS HER NUMBER.

OBVIOUSLY, I CAN'T GO TO BIANCA.

-I CAN'T DO THAT, JACK.

I CAN'T GO BEHIND HER BACK, ESPECIALLY NOT NOW.

-WHY NOT? LIVING TOGETHER NOT, UH --

NOT WORKING OUT? -NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S, UM...

THAT'S NOT IT.

-WHAT IS IT?

[ GLASS THUDS ]

-I WAS JUST OFFERED A POSITION AS A FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT.

-YOU MEAN LIKE REAL-DEAL TYPE OF THING?

-YEAH, GOING TO OTHER COUNTRIES, FLYING IN HELICOPTERS,

INTERVIEWING DIPLOMATS, GETTING SHOT AT --

ALL THAT GOOD SHIT.

-THIS IS GOOD, RIGHT?

-YEAH, IT'S -- IT'S GREAT.

I MEAN, I KNOW. I KNOW.

I'M GONNA BE A REAL JOURNALIST -- I KNOW --

AND REPORT ON THINGS THAT ACTUALLY MATTER.

-DID YOU TELL BIANCA?

-NOW'S NOT THE BEST TIME. SHE'S GOT OPENING THIS WEEKEND.

SHE'S BEEN STRESSED OUT LATELY AS IS.

-YOU GOT TO TELL HER, MAN. -NO, I'M GONNA TELL HER.

I JUST FOUND OUT AN HOUR AGO.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

-WHICH WAY ARE YOU LEANING?

-WHICH WAY AM I LEANING? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M GONNA TAKE IT. OF COURSE I'M GONNA TAKE IT.

THEY'RE GONNA PUT ME ON THE FRONT LINES.

OF COURSE I AM GONNA TAKE IT.

SHE CAN'T EXPECT ME NOT TO TAKE IT.

[ GLASSES CLINK ] -CHEERS.

[ BOTTLE CAP CLATTERS ]

-SO, LISTEN, IF YOU GIVE ME JANE'S NUMBER,

BIANCA WILL BE NONE THE WISER.

IF SHE EVER FINDS OUT, I CAN JUST SAY JANE GAVE IT TO ME.

-WHAT? BIANCA WON'T BELIEVE THAT.

-WHY NOT? -BECAUSE JANE WOULDN'T DO THAT.

JESUS CHRIST, MAN. WHAT?

YOU'RE PUTTING ME IN A PICKLE HERE, MAN.

-DUDE, YOU'RE, LIKE SWEATING. CALM DOWN.

-CALM DOWN? YOU'RE EXPECTING ME TO TRUST YOU

WITH MY FUTURE SISTER-IN-LAW, AND I'M SORRY, JACK.

I JUST -- I CAN'T DO THAT.

-WHY NOT? -W-WHY NOT?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU SERIOUS?

LAST NIGHT, YOU WERE WITH, UM, WHAT?

FORDHAM? KIM? THE WEEK BEFORE THAT, YOU WERE WITH CHRISTY.

-HOW MANY WOMEN DID YOU FUCK OVER

BEFORE YOU MET THE RIGHT ONE, ROB? HUH?

AND DON'T BOTHER LYING, BECAUSE I KNOW.

DUDE, JANE AND I...

HAD SOMETHING, MAN.

WE DID.

SHE SAID I WAS COOL.

-YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE DEALING WITH, JACK.

SHE'S NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS.

-I KNOW. I ALREADY SAID THAT.

-NOT IN THE WAY THAT YOU THINK.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE ALL THE BATS IN THE BELFRY,

IF YOU GET ME.

-YOU MEAN SHE'S CRAZY? -NO, SHE'S NOT CRAZY.

SHE -- SHE LIVES WITH HER PARENTS.

SHE SPENDS A LOT OF TIME WATCHING MOVIES AND SEWING.

SHE HAS SOCIAL ISSUES.

-WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? PHOBIAS?

OCD? STUFF LIKE THAT?

-SHE HAS ASPERGER'S.

LIKE RAIN MAN. -I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

WHY -- [ SIGHS ]

WHY HAVE YOU NEVER TALKED TO ME ABOUT THIS, MAN?

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT BIANCA HAD A SISTER.

-WHY WOULD I TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND'S RETARDED SISTER?

-JESUS, MAN. DON'T TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT.

-OH, COME ON. JESUS CHRIST. YOU SOUND JUST LIKE BIANCA.

I AM CUTTING TO THE CHASE, MAN.

I LIKE JANE A LOT. WE PLAY CHESS.

SHE READS MY ARTICLES -- ALL OF THEM.

BUT SOMETIMES, MAN, SHE IS LIKE A ROBOT.

AND I MEAN THAT AS LOVINGLY AS POSSIBLE.

-SO...

YOU STILL WANT THAT NUMBER?

-IT'S A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE, MR. HARRIS.

I JUST DON'T LIKE ANYBODY RUNNING OUT ON ME

TWICE IN THE SAME DAY.

-I SEE. WELL, YOU SEE, AFTER I GOT THE LETTER --

-I TOLD YOU YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE UP ANY STORIES FOR ME.

-THAT'S RIGHT. YOU DID.

-LOOK, PETE.

-I KNOW I MAY BE BUTTING INTO SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T,

BUT IT'S JUST THE WAY I AM.

EVEN WHEN I WAS A KID, I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE ASKING QUESTIONS.

YOU KNOW, IF I WAS SMART, I'D FIND MYSELF ANOTHER DATE

AND FORGET ALL ABOUT YOU.

-SWEETIE, IT'S PRETTY LATE.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO TURN THE MOVIE DOWN.

-I CAN'T. I'M PRACTICING.

-I'M NO FOOL, PETE.

-WELL, JUST TRY NOT TO WAKE MRS. PETERSON.

SHE'LL NEVER LET ME HEAR THE END OF IT.

-AFTER THIS WEEK, YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

SO WHO CARES?!

[ CAT YOWLS ]

-WHAT HAVE THEY GOT ON YA?

-ONE QUESTION AT A TIME.

-HAVE FUN, JANEY.

-WELL, MY FATHER'S RETIRED CAPTAIN OF POLICE.

-OH, I SEE. THAT EXPLAINS YOUR BEING A LAWYER.

-I KNOW I MAY BE BUTTING INTO SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T,

BUT, DARLING, THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM.

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ]

-CABRóN, I NEED THAT FUCKING RIB EYE IN THREE MINUTES.

HEY, COME ON, MAN. WHERE ARE YOU?

COME ON. I NEED THE FUCKING RIB EYE. -SORRY. I'M SORRY. ALL RIGHT.

-[ SPEAKS SPANISH ]

-GOOD JOB TONIGHT, GUYS.

-YEAH, JOSé CARRIED MY ASS.

-I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS AGAIN FOR THE OTHER NIGHT.

-MY PLEASURE, MAN. GLAD I COULD HELP.

-HEY. -WHOA.

-CATCH YOU OUT FRONT.

-OKAY. GRACIAS.

SEE YOU. GOODNIGHT, MR. GYP.

-MAÑANA.

YOU WOULDN'T MIND IF I PUT IT ON SPECIAL FOR A FEW WEEKS?

LIKE LAST TIME?

-I MEAN...

I'D HAVE TO TEACH JOSé

HOW TO WHIP IT UP ON MY OFF DAYS.

-THAT'D BE GREAT.

YOU KNOW, I KNEW YOU WERE ONE OF A KIND

WHEN YOU FIRST SHUFFLED IN HERE SIX YEARS AGO.

I KNEW IT THEN, AND I KNOW IT NOW.

HANG ON TO THE GOOD ONES.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, JACKIE.

I OWE YOU ONE.

BIG IOU.

-GYP.

THAT'S THE LAST TIME, RIGHT?

-RIGHT.

-I'VE BEEN MAKING A LOT OF SOUPS LATELY.

-SOUPS?

-SOUPS.

BISQUES, CHOWDERS -- YOU NAME IT.

SOUPS ARE MY ACHILLES HEEL, MAN. I JUST DON'T GET THEM.

SO I'M SORT OF CHALLENGING MYSELF.

THEY'RE ELUSIVE. -MM-HMM.

-THEY HAVE LESS RULES TO THEM.

I MEAN, THINK SPAGHETTI, FOR EXAMPLE.

YOU DROP IT IN, YOU COME BACK 15 MINUTES --

THAT'S JUST COOKED. EASY-PEASY.

BUT SOUPS?

FUCK.

I REALLY WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO SOUP,

'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN A GOOD SOUP.

NOTHING.

-[ CHUCKLES ] COME ON. -NO.

COME ON, DUDE. HEAR ME OUT.

THEY ARE WILD CARDS. -OKAY.

-THERE ARE NO RULES. -OKAY.

-I MEAN, SURE. YOU -- YOU CAN FOLLOW

A RECIPE, EXACT MEASUREMENTS AND ALL, YOU KNOW?

BUT YOU FOLLOW THAT, AND THE FOOD'S FOR SHIT.

A GOOD SOUP.

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU JUST GOT TO BE BRAVE, JUMP IN THERE,

FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS, YOU KNOW?

AND YOU GOT TO PAY ATTENTION TO IT.

YOU GOT TO KEEP TRYING IT AND TASTING IT ALONG THE WAY,

ADDING EVERYTHING IT NEEDS.

THAT'S A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.

TAKES MORE TIME. IT'S MORE DELICATE.

AND, FRANKLY, MAN, THAT FUCKING TERRIFIES ME.

CAN'T STAY FOCUSED ON ONE DISH THAT LONG.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE IN THERE

WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN.

YOU GOT LIKE 40 TICKETS IN YOUR FACE.

YOU JUST CHURN THE DISHES OUT.

BUT SOUP...

FUCK.

I WANT TO HAVE THAT IN MY ARSENAL, YOU KNOW?

-YOU REALLY LIKE SOUPS, HUH?

-KIM, HOLD ON.

SLOW DOWN. -[ LAUGHS ] WAIT.

WHERE DO YOU LIVE? -RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

-OH, GOD. -COME ON.

-I THINK JACK SAW US.

[ LAUGHS ]

-JOSé

-DIME.

-AM I AN ASSHOLE?

TELL ME HONESTLY.

-NAH.

YOU'RE A FUNNY MAN.

-GOOD.

BUENAS NOCHES.

-BUENAS NOCHES.

[ CHOPIN'S "NOCTURNE IN E-FLAT MINOR" PLAYS ]

-YOU, UH, SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO COME?

-I ALREADY TOLD YOU I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN.

-OKAY.

AND YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING?

-YES. I WROTE IT DOWN.

-OH, DO YOU WANT ME TO DO YOUR MAKEUP, OR --

-NO, MAKEUP IS FALSE ADVERTISING.

-WHAT ABOUT JUST A LITTLE MASCARA?

-OKAY. MAYBE JUST A TOUCH.

-[ CHUCKLES ]

AND YOU'RE SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO COME?

-BIANCA. -OKAY.

-SEE YOU LATER. HAVE A NICE NIGHT.

THANKS AGAIN. [ DOORBELL JINGLES ]

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

-WE'RE CLOSING SOON, SIR.

-I'M ALMOST FINISHED.

WHAT?

-MAYBE YOU WANT TO BUY IT.

-SEE, THIS IS WHY PEOPLE GO TO BARNES & NOBLE.

[ MUSIC RESUMES ]

-SORRY I WAS LATE.

THE TRAFFIC WAS A NIGHTMARE.

-YOU HAVE A CAR? -NO.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I JUST SAID THAT.

I WALKED. -OH, IT'S OKAY.

I ONLY WAITED ABOUT A HALF HOUR.

-YOU MUST'VE BEEN EARLY, THEN. I THOUGHT WE SAID 8:30.

I DON'T GO OUT TO DINNER MUCH.

-[ British accent ] YOU ORDERED THE WINE VERY NICELY.

-MALBEC WAS THE ONLY ONE I COULD PRONOUNCE.

-[ Normal voice ] [ CHUCKLES ] SO YOU LIKE RED?

-NO, I PREFER WHITE.

-MALBEC IS A RED, THOUGH.

MY DAD DRINKS IT A LOT.

-SHOULD WE ORDER SOMETHING ELSE?

IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

I'M SORRY I WAS LATE. IT'S KIND OF THROWN THE WHOLE THING OFF.

I WAS ONLY LATE BECAUSE I WASN'T SURE

IF I WAS GOING TO COME TONIGHT.

TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.

-I'M GLAD YOU DID. -I AM, TOO.

YOU'RE SO PRETTY. I CAN'T BELIEVE MY LUCK.

THIS TYPE OF THING ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN

TO A GUY WHO STILL LIVES WITH HIS MOM.

-WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO, STEVEN?

-A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF.

-LIKE WHAT?

-MAKING MODELS OUT OF BALSA WOOD.

-I'M A BUILDER OF SORTS, MYSELF. I MEAN, I WANT TO BE.

I USED TO MAKE ALL MY SISTER'S COSTUMES FOR THE SCHOOL PLAYS.

NOW I WORK IN THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT.

THEY DON'T LET ME DESIGN THE COSTUMES YET,

BUT I'M WORKING ON THIS REALLY FANCY DRESS.

-I'LL SHOW YOU MY MODELS. I LIKE SHOWING THEM OFF.

MY PLACE ISN'T TOO FAR AWAY.

THAT'S WHY I HAD YOU MEET ME HERE FOR DINNER.

-MAYBE NOT TONIGHT.

-I CREATE EXACT REPLICAS OF THE WONDERS OF THE WORLD.

NOT TO SCALE, OF COURSE.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

-DON'T MOVE. STAY EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE.

-OH, JUST LET IT RING. -IT COULD BE THE REALTOR.

YEAH? PHIL HERE.

-HELLO. UH, MAY I PLEASE SPEAK TO JANE?

-WHO? JANE?

-Y-YES, JANE.

-NO. NO, NO. JANE'S OUT ON A DATE.

-SHE'S ON A DATE. -Yeah.

A date.

-OKAY.

UH, WELL, WOULD YOU -- WOULD YOU MIND TAKING A MESSAGE?

-I-I-I DON'T HAVE A PEN HANDY.

-OKAY, THAT'S FINE.

-YOUR SPOT'S GETTING COLD, PHILLY STEAK!

-HUSH, MARGO. -[ LAUGHS ]

-LISTEN, KID, COULD YOU CALL BACK TOMORROW?

I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW.

-YEAH, SURE. YEAH, WOULD -- WOULD YOU JUST PLEASE, UH,

LET HER KNOW THAT JACK CALLED.

-SURE, SURE. I'LL TELL HER THAT ZACK CALLED.

BYE, NOW. -Actually, it's --

[ CELLPHONE CLOSES ]

-THERE'S REALLY NOTHING QUITE LIKE BOATING --

FEELING THE WIND IN YOUR CHEEKS, UNFURLING THE SAIL.

DO YOU BOAT?

-NO, I'VE BEEN ON A BOAT, THOUGH.

I LIKE THE WATER.

I'VE TAKEN THE FERRY TO STATEN ISLAND

SO I CAN LOOK AT THE STATUE. -IT'S FUNNY.

CYNTHIA TOLD ME NOTHING ABOUT YOU, AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NOTHING ABOUT ME?

-JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU WERE LONELY.

-I'M NOT LONELY. -IT'S OKAY.

SO AM I. [ SLURPING ]

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I HAVE FRIENDS.

-I'M GETTING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

YOU'RE -- YOU'RE UPSET.

[ LOUD GRINDING ]

-WHAT ELSE DID CYNTHIA SAY ABOUT ME?

-[ SNEEZES ] -SHE SAID YOU WERE LIKE ME.

-I'M NOTHING LIKE YOU.

YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE ME!

[ LOUD LAUGHTER ] [ GASPS ]

-I DON'T LIKE BEING ALONE, EITHER.

SOMETIMES, BUT NOT ALL THE TIME.

[ LIQUID POURING LOUDLY ] -[ GROANING ]

[ LOUD, INDISTINCT WHISPERING ]

[ OVERLAPPING NOISE ]

-JANE, EVERYBODY'S -- -NO!

I-I HAVE TO GO NOW. -GO WHERE?

THE BATHROOM? -I'M SORRY.

THIS WAS JUST SO STUPID. -WHAT DID I DO?

-NO, NO, NO, NO! DON'T COME NEAR ME!

-HEY! BE CAREFUL.

-IT'S OKAY. THIS HAPPENS TO ME T--

[ UTENSILS CLATTER ] OH! OH! OH!

-MA'AM, PLEASE CALM DOWN. -JANE.

-LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE!

-DON'T MAKE A SCENE. IT'S OKAY.

-THIS WAS SO STUPID!

I HATE YOU! THIS WAS SO STUPID!

-LISTEN TO ME, JANE. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

EVERYTHING -- BREATHE. DO YOUR BREATHING.

I GOT YOU. I'M HERE, OKAY?

WE'RE GONNA LEAVE NOW. EXCUSE ME. I'M SO SORRY.

ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU OKAY?

CYNTHIA, DO YOU GOT THAT? -GOT IT.

-JANE! JANE!

JANE! -WHOA. CAREFUL.

-JANE, DON'T DO THIS.

JANE, COME BACK HERE.

[ HORN HONKING ]

-[ PANTING ]

[ SIREN WAILS ]

[ HIGH-PITCHED WHINE ]

DAMN IT, JANE. I'M WEARING HEELS.

JANE, PLEASE STOP! COME ON.

I'M GETTING A SERIOUS CRAMP.

[ BOAT HORN BLARES IN DISTANCE ]

-WERE YOU SPYING ON ME?

-NO, I WASN'T SPYING ON YOU.

I WAS TRYING TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING WENT WELL.

-WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME.

I TOLD YOU I COULD HANDLE IT,

AND YOU SPIED ON ME.

-ALL RIGHT, I SPIED ON YOU

AND YOU ASKED ME NOT TO AND I'M SORRY,

BUT, JANE, COME ON.

THAT WASN'T EXACTLY HANDLING IT. -I JUST WANTED TO GO,

AND EVERYBODY KEPT TRYING TO PUT THEIR HANDS ON ME.

-THEY WERE TRYING TO CALM YOU DOWN!

JESUS! I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

-[ Voice breaking ] IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

[ SNIFFLES ]

HE DIDN'T ASK A SINGLE THING ABOUT ME.

HE ORDERED FOR ME, AND I DIDN'T EVEN

TELL HIM WHAT I WANTED.

AND CYNTHIA DIDN'T TELL HIM ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, JANE?

I'M SURE THAT SHE DID.

-ALL SHE SAID WAS THAT I WAS LONELY

AND THAT I WAS JUST LIKE HIM. -SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT.

SHE JUST MEANT THAT YOU GUYS WOULD HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON.

-BASED ON WHAT?

YOU ONLY SET ME UP WITH STEVEN BECAUSE HE'S LONELY

AND A LITTLE SLOW AND HE WOULD ACCEPT ANYONE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THOUGHT WE WOULD HAVE IN COMMON, ISN'T IT?

[ SNIFFLES ]

DON'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING.

IT'LL BE JUST ANOTHER STUPID APOLOGY

LIKE THE ONE YOU GAVE ME WHEN YOU SAID

YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO MOVE IN.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT ME TO COME TO YOUR STUPID PARTY, EITHER.

I COULD TELL.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE THERE!

IT'S LIKE YOU WANT TO FORGET I EXIST OR SOMETHING!

MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST FORGET I ASKED YOU FOR ANYTHING EVER!

YOU ONLY LET ME DOWN! -OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

SO WE SET YOU UP WITH STEVEN BECAUSE HE'S SLOW.

AND YOU'RE RIGHT, JANE. I'M AN ASSHOLE.

IS THAT WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR RIGHT NOW?

-NO!

-LISTEN TO ME, JANE. LISTEN TO ME.

[ Voice breaking ] I'M SO SORRY THAT HAPPENED TONIGHT.

I REALLY AM. I JUST...

LIFE ISN'T ALWAYS LIKE IT IS IN THE MOVIES THAT YOU WATCH.

-NO, IT HAS TO BE.

IT HAS TO BE OR ELSE THEY WOULDN'T

HAVE MADE THOSE MOVIES TO BEGIN WITH.

[ SOBS ] MOVE!

-JANE! JANE, WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GO?

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

-[ PANTING ]

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ]

-[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ CHATTER INTENSIFIES ]

-[ Distorted ] GET OUT OF THE WAY!

-[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]

-COME ON, MISS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

UNREAL.

[ HIGH-PITCHED WHINE ]

-[ PANTING ]

[ KEYS THUD ]

-HEY, BABE. [ DOOR CLOSES ]

HOW'D SHE DO?

[ SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE ]

OH.

THAT GOOD, HUH?

-YEAH.

I'M GONNA TAKE A SHOWER.

-HEY, I RAN INTO PAUL YESTERDAY.

DO YOU REMEMBER PAUL?

-PAUL? -YEAH, HE'S, UM --

HE'S MY BUDDY FROM WORK.

TURNS OUT HE'S GOT A BROTHER WITH AUTISM.

-WHAT?

-ROB, IT DID NOT GO WELL TONIGHT.

AT ALL.

-OKAY. WE WILL FIGURE IT OUT.

-[ SIGHS ]

IT'S A FARMHOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

-UH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE SHE'LL GET A HORSE.

-YEAH, OR MAYBE SHE'LL JUST SIT INSIDE ALL DAY

AND STAY ON THE FAST TRACK TO BECOMING SOME OLD SPINSTER AUNT.

[ SIGHS ]

BABE, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU? WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?

-UM...

YEAH.

THERE IS SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL YOU.

IT'S PROBABLY NOT THE BEST TIMING IN THE WORLD,

BUT...

-WHAT IS IT?

-MINE EAR, I THANK IT, BROUGHT ME TO THAT SOUND.

BUT WHY UNKINDLY DIDST THOU LEAVE ME SO?

-WHY SHOULD HE STAY, WHOM LOVE DOTH PRESS TO GO?

-WHAT LOVE COULD PRESS LYSANDER FROM MY SIDE?

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

-WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

TURN IT OFF.

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? -SIMPLE.

I CAME LOOKING FOR YOU. -I'M COMING.

I'M COMING.

HELLO?

-HEY, MA, WHAT IS IT? -[ Exhales sharply ]

BIANCA, SWEETIE, THANK YOU FOR CALLING ME BACK FOR ONCE.

-WELL, YOU JUST BLEW UP MY PHONE

IN THE MIDDLE OF REHEARSAL, SO...

-OH, I-I KNEW YOU WERE PREPARING.

I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE STILL REHEARSING.

-WELL, I AM, SO MAYBE NEXT TIME SEND ME A TEXT OR --

-BUT DOESN'T THE SHOW OPEN TONIGHT?

-Yeah, just going over a few things.

-[ Muffled ] MM. YOU MUST BE SO EXCITED.

-Psyched.

-[ Normal voice ] WELL...

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT JANE.

-What do -- What do you mean?

-JUST, UM, YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT,

UM, SHE WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT HER DATE...

-... AND FORGET ALL ABOUT YOU.

ONLY I CAN'T HELP FEELING YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

-I LIKED IT BETTER THIS AFTERNOON

WHEN YOU STOPPED ASKING QUESTIONS.

-AND THEN THIS MORNING SHE WAKES UP,

AND SHE STARTS WATCHING "KANSAS CITY CONFIDENTIAL" AGAIN.

LIKE TWICE.

I MEAN, RIGHT NOW, SHE'S ON HER THIRD VIEWING.

-DID SHE SAY ANYTHING, OR...

-NO, JUST THAT IT WAS GOOD.

SO -- SO YOU THINK IT'S JUST ONE OF HER MOODS?

-YEAH, EXACTLY, MOM. IT'S JUST ONE OF HER MOODS.

-OKAY, UM, WELL,

WE'RE SO EXCITED FOR YOU ABOUT TONIGHT.

I WISH YOU'D LET US COME THOUGH.

-MOM, YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE YOU GUYS AT OPENING NIGHT.

I GET NERVOUS ENOUGH WITH STRANGERS, AND...

I GOT TO GO, MOM.

THERE'S MY CUE.

-OH, YOUR CUE. OKAY.

I'LL LET YOU GO.

-Okay, bye. -BYE, SWEETIE.

I... [ Click, dial tone ]

-FORGET IT. -... LOVE YOU.

-MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

-[ GASPS ] UH, HARRISON, I-I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS ON SILENT. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

[ CELLPHONE CLOSES ]

-I WOULD HOPE NOT.

WE OPEN IN SIX HOURS.

-YEAH.

-DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I ALMOST FIRED YOU?

TWICE.

THE PHONE RINGING WOULD'VE BEEN A THIRD,

BUT IT'S TOO LATE TO FIRE YOU NOW.

WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT?

-THESE ARE MY -- MY NOTES AND MY OBJECTIVES,

AND WE WILL -- -SCREW YOUR OBJECTIVES!

IT'S OPENING NIGHT!

THAT'S A FUCKING SECURITY BLANKET, TITANIA.

RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD

ON TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING AROUND YOU

TO MAKE SURE THIS FUCKING THING GOES PERFECTLY.

THE FACT THAT YOU STILL HAVE THIS

SHOWS ME [CHUCKLES]

YOU HAVE NO TRUST IN THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.

I NEED YOU TO GET UP THERE

AND LEAVE ALL YOUR NOTES, OBJECTIVES,

AND YOUR PERSONAL SHIT OFF STAGE.

LET GO.

YOU THINK YOU COULD DO THAT?

JUST ONCE?

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] -PHIL, WILL YOU GET IT, PLEASE?

IT MIGHT BE THE REALTOR.

-I'M ALREADY GETTING IT! CHRIST.

-MORNING. PHIL SPEAKING.

-Morning. Is Jane around? I'd love to speak to her.

-UH, YEAH, HOLD ON. HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

JANEY, ANOTHER FISH ON THE LINE FOR YA.

THIS ONE SOUNDS LIKE A REAL CATCH.

-DAD, I HAVEN'T EVEN BRUSHED MY TEETH YET.

-HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT.

SHOULD I TELL HIM TO CALL BACK?

-IS HIS NAME STEVEN?

-HEY, IS YOUR NAME STEVEN? -No.

-NEGATIVE.

-GIVE IT HERE AND GO AWAY.

HELLO?

-Hi.

Jane? -YES.

AND WHO'S THIS? -Jack.

We, uh -- we met at Bianca's housewarming party

on Monday.

-WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

-[ CHUCKLES ]

-I'M SORRY. WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS AGAIN?

♪♪

-SO, UH, YOU'RE THE FELLA THAT CALLED LAST NIGHT.

-YEAH. I-I'M SORRY IF IT --

IF IT WAS LATE.

[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

I HEARD YOU'RE A WRITER.

-JANE TOLD YOU THAT?

-NO, BIANCA.

BIANCA AND I ARE FRIENDS.

-I'M A WRITER.

-WHAT DO YOU WRITE ABOUT?

-DEVELOPMENTAL DISORDERS. [ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]

-GOOD EVENING, JANE.

THESE ARE FOR YOU.

-OH!

READY TO GO?

-YEAH, READY WHEN YOU ARE.

-DO YOU MIND FETCHING MY COAT?

-OF COURSE.

-WHAT?

YOU'RE LEAVING SO SOON?

-WE HAVE A SHOW TO BE AT, MOTHER.

THERE ARE TIME CONSTRAINTS.

-OH, BUT I-I MADE SNACKS.

I THOUGHT WE COULD EAT SOME SNACKS

AND G-GET TO KNOW JACK A LITTLE BIT.

-MARGO, LET THEM GO.

-I APPRECIATE THE OFFER, AND I WILL DEFINITELY

TAKE YOU UP ON IT, BUT JANE'S RIGHT.

WE HAVE RESERVATIONS. -OH. WHERE?

-OH, THIS LITTLE PLACE DOWNTOWN. -WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.

BYE.

[ DOOR OPENS ] -[ CHUCKLES ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

-THAT'S YOUR CUE. -RIGHT. BYE.

IT WAS -- IT WAS LOVELY MEETING YOU.

-YOU, TOO. HAVE FUN.

-MY SHOES. OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ]

-HUH.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

DO YOU THINK BIANCA SET THEM UP?

♪♪

-THE EYE OF MAN HATH NOT HEARD,

THE EAR OF MAN HATH NOT SEEN,

MAN'S HAND -- HEY, TITANIA!

YOU GONNA KNOCK THEM DEAD TONIGHT?

-OH, YEAH, BOTTOM. GONNA KILL EVERYONE.

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ]

-THE EYE OF MAN HATH NOT HEARD... -[ SIGHS ]

...THE EAR OF MAN HATH NOT SEEN,

MAN'S HAND IS NOT ABLE TO TASTE...

-BREAK A LEG.

-...NOR HIS HEART...

♪♪

-IT'S NOT WEIRD THAT I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS, IS IT?

-OF COURSE NOT. WHY WOULD IT BE?

-MOST PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s DON'T DO THAT.

-I THINK YOU'D BE SURPRISED.

-BY WHAT?

-HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE WITH THEIR PARENTS.

-YOU DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER GIRLFRIENDS, RIGHT?

-ROMANTIC OR JUST FRIENDS?

-I SAID "GIRLFRIENDS," DIDN'T IT?

-NO, I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU HAVE ANY OTHER BOYFRIENDS?

-WHY WOULD I BE ON A DATE WITH YOU IF I DID?

I'M NOT LIKE THAT.

-NO, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT.

-HERE WE ARE.

♪♪

-IT LOOKS CLOSED.

-OH.

REALLY? [ CLICKS TONGUE ]

[ METAL RATTLES ] THAT'S TOO BAD.

MAYBE WE'LL JUST HAVE TO BREAK IN.

POW! [ GRUNTS ]

[ KEYS CLACK ]

[ GATE RATTLING ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

LIKE I SAID, I'M A CHEF.

THIS IS WHERE I COOK.

-YOU DID ALL THIS FOR ME?

-I JUST WANTED A NICE, QUIET DINNER.

-THIS MUST HAVE SET YOU BACK.

-BOSS MAN OWED ME A FAVOR.

-IF YOU'D CARE TO SIT.

-HMM.

MUST'VE BEEN A BIG IOU.

-IT WAS, BUT I FIGURED IF I WAS FINALLY GONNA CASH IT IN,

I MAY AS WELL MAKE IT WORTH MY WHILE.

-WELL, I'M HONORED YOU SPENT IT ON ME.

-I CAN MAKE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT AND THEN SOME.

JUST SAY THE WORD.

-ANYTHING I WANT?

-ANYTHING.

-EVEN IF IT'S NOT ON THE MENU?

-THIS SHALL BE THE MELTIER ONE.

-YESSSSSSSS.

-WHOO-SHA!

-YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT.

-YEAH, IT'S A TRICK.

-CHIN CHIN. [ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

-LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.

-MM.

-[ LAUGHS ]

IS IT A GOOD ONE?

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ] -[ SIGHS DEEPLY ]

-CHECK IT OUT. FRONT-ROW SEATS.

PERKS OF BEING RELATED TO THE LEADING LADY.

-I BET WE'LL GET SPIT ON OUR FACES.

-WHO'D SPIT IN OUR FACES?

-OOH, GRAB A PROGRAM.

-YES, MILADY. -YOUR PROGRAM.

-THANK YOU, SIR.

-WHOA, CHECK IT OUT. CYNTHIA AND ROB ARE HERE.

-HERE ARE OUR SEATS.

-LADIES FIRST.

-YOU'VE GOT SEAT 19.

-OKAY.

EXCUSE ME. -OH.

-SORRY.

-MADAM.

-THANK YOU.

-OH, METHINKS, MISTRESS,

YOU SHOULD HAVE LITTLE REASON FOR THAT.

AND YET, TO SAY THE TRUTH,

REASON AND LOVE KEEP LITTLE COMPANY TOGETHER NOWADAYS.

'TIS MORE THE PITY THAT SOME HONEST NEIGHBORS

WILL NOT MAKE THEM FRIENDS. [ LAUGHS ]

OH, NAY, I CAN GLEEK UPON OCCASION.

[ BRAYS, CLEARS THROAT, CHUCKLES ]

-THOU ART AS WISE AS THOU ART BEAUTIFUL.

-OH. [ SPUTTERS ] NO, NOT SO NEITHER.

BUT IF I HAD WIT ENOUGH TO GET OUT OF THIS WOOD,

I HAVE ENOUGH TO SERVE MINE OWN TURN. TOODLES.

-OUT OF THIS WOOD DO NOT DESIRE TO GO.

THOU SHALT REMAIN HERE WHETHER THOU WILT OR NO.

I AM A SPIRIT OF NO COMMON RATE.

THE SUMMER STILL DOTH TEND UPON MY STATE.

AND I DO LOVE THEE.

THEREFORE GO WITH ME. [ LAUGHTER ]

I'LL GIVE THEE FAIRIES TO ATTEND ON THEE.

THEY SHALL FETCH THEE JEWELS FROM THE DEEP,

AND SING WHILE THOU ON PRESSED FLOWERS DOST SLEEP.

-[ GASPS ] OH! [ BRAYS ]

-PEASEBLOSSOM, COBWEB, MOTH, AND MUSTARDSEED.

-READY? -AND I.

-AND I. -WHERE SHALL WE GO?

-BE KIND AND COURTEOUS TO THIS GENTLEMAN.

HOP IN HIS WALKS AND GAMBOL IN HIS EYES.

AND FEED HIM WITH APRICOKS AND DEWBERRIES, PURPLE GRAPES,

GREEN FIGS, AND MULBERRIES.

-HAIL, MORTAL. -HAIL.

-DON'T WORRY. IT'S OKAY.

-I CRY YOUR WORSHIP'S MERCY.

OH, HEARTILY.

I BESEECH YOUR WORSHIP'S NAME.

-COBWEB. -Excuse me. Excuse me.

-GOOD MASTER COBWEB,

I SHALL DESIRE YOU OF MORE ACQUAINTANCE.

[ BRAYS ] FOR IF CUT MY FINGER,

I SHALL MAKE BOLD WITH YOU. [ LAUGHS ]

AND YOUR NAME, HONEST GENTLEMAN?

-JANE! JANE, COME BACK!

I'M SORRY. DON'T RUN AWAY.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

-JESUS, MANDY, WHAT ARE YOU -- I'VE GOT IT.

I'LL JUST DO IT, OKAY?

LEAVE ME ALONE.

MANDY, I'M SORRY.

MANDY?!

-THIS SEAL OF BLISS.

-O SPITE. O HELL.

I SEE YOU ALL ARE BENT TO SET AGAINST ME FOR YOUR MERRIMENT.

-Jane? -IF YOU WERE CIVIL AND KNEW COURTESY,

YOU WOULD NOT DO ME THUS MUCH INJURY.

CAN YOU NOT HATE ME...

-Jane, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

Maybe we should go back downstairs.

[ Sighs ]

-...TO VOW, AND SWEAR,

AND SUPERPRAISE MY PARTS, WHEN I AM SURE YOU HATE ME.

-I don't think we're supposed to be up here.

-Please go away.

-I'm sorry I tried to hold your hand.

They said that this might happen with physical contact and stuff,

the overstimulation.

-Who told you?

-Nobody. I --

[ THUD ]

Look, it was something that you said

on the roof the other night.

You said, "I don't get you neurotypicals."

I looked it up that night,

and I've been reading this book.

[ GULPS ]

Okay.

TO BE HONEST, ROB MENTIONED IT WHEN I ASKED FOR YOUR NUMBER,

BUT I KNEW BEFORE THAT.

I MEAN, I-I COULDN'T TELL THAT YOU WERE --

-YOU MUST THINK I'M SOME BIG WEIRDO.

-NO, I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

I LIKE YOU THE WAY THAT YOU ARE.

I REALLY, REALLY DO.

-REALLY?

-I SWEAR.

-... VOWS, THE HOURS THAT WE HAVE SPENT

WHEN WE HAVE CHIDE THE HASTY-FOOTED TIME FOR PARTING US...

-I WAS ONLY READING THAT STUFF BECAUSE I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND

HOW YOU MIGHT FEEL, HOW YOU MIGHT THINK.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO MESS THIS UP.

-I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK DOWN THERE.

-WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

-... SO WE GREW TOGETHER, LIKE A DOUBLE CHERRY --

SEEMING PARTED BUT YET AN UNION IN PARTITION --

TWO LOVELY BERRIES MOLDED ON ONE STEM.

SO, WITH TWO SEEMING BODIES BUT ONE HEART,

TWO OF THE FIRST, LIKE COATS IN HERALDRY...

-LET'S GO. COME ON. -WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

-I DON'T HAVE TO GO AFTER THEM. COME ON.

-JANE CAN HANDLE HERSELF. I'M SURE SHE'S FINE. DON'T MOVE.

-Shh!

-... AND WILL YOU RENT...

-SHE IS NOT FINE. SERIOUS.

THE PLANE HAS ABSOLUTELY CRASHED.

BIANCA'S GONNA FUCKING KILL ME. -OH, MY GOD.

-SHUT UP! -SORRY. SORRY. MY WIFE.

I'M GONNA RIP HIS DICK OFF. -ROB!

-Shh!

[ LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS ]

-WOW. LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

-PRETTY COOL, HUH? -[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WORKED HERE?

THIS IS INCREDIBLE. LOOK AT THIS STUFF.

-I'VE PATCHED MOST OF THESE UP.

[ BELL DINGS ]

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF FAMOUS ACTORS WORE THESE COSTUMES.

-WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE? DID YOU PATCH THIS UP?

-I HAD TO FIX THE ZIPPER.

-[ CHUCKLES ]

BIANCA WON'T MIND IF WE MISS THE END?

-I'VE SEEN IT LIKE 50 TIMES.

JACK! -YEAH?

-STAY HERE, AND DON'T PEEK.

-OKAY.

HA!

YOU COULD GET LOST IN HERE.

-NO, YOU COULDN'T.

HEY! DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!

-RIGHT. SORRY.

-I SAID...

DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES! -RIGHT.

MY BAD.

-ARE YOUR EYES CLOSED? -YES, THEY ARE.

-I'M TRUSTING YOU, JACK.

-[ SIGHS ]

-YOU CAN OPEN THEM NOW.

HOW DO I LOOK?

♪♪

-ABSOLUTELY STUNNING.

-I MADE IT MYSELF.

I HID IT WITH ALL THE OTHER ONES.

NOBODY ELSE HAS SEEN ME IN IT BEFORE.

-AH, MAN, THAT'S WHAT BIANCA

SHOULD BE WEARING OUT THERE TONIGHT.

-NO, I MADE THIS ONE FOR ME.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF IT, BUT I DIDN'T.

I ADDED THIS FABRIC FROM ANOTHER THROWAWAY

AND ALL THE BEADING AND THE STITCHING.

NOBODY ELSE WANTED IT, BUT LOOK AT IT NOW.

I WANTED YOU TO SEE ME IN IT

BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL BEAUTIFUL.

-YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

-REALLY?

-YEAH.

-JUST SO YOU KNOW...

I WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT MYSELF.

I DID.

I DON'T WANT TO LIE TO YOU.

I WAS GONNA TELL YOU ON THE ROOF THAT NIGHT

BEFORE BIANCA STUCK HER FAT HEAD IN.

I WAS JUST WORRIED YOU WEREN'T GONNA LIKE ME.

THERE WAS A BOY WHO WANTED TO KISS ME ONCE,

AND THEN ALL OF HIS FRIENDS TOLD HIM ABOUT ME,

AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO KISS ME AFTER THAT.

-I ALREADY TOLD YOU I LIKE YOU.

-HE SAID THE SAME THING, BUT HE WAS LYING.

-WELL, I AM NOT THAT BOY.

-ARE YOU ABOUT TO KISS ME?

-AM I ALLOWED TO?

-I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

-OH!

BIANCA, YOU WERE ON FIRE OUT THERE TONIGHT.

-LET'S SEE HOW THE NEXT ONE GOES, SHALL WE?

-HMM. WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

I'M NEVER WRONG.

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, LET'S GET FUCKED UP!

HA! HA-HA-HA! [ ACTORS CHEERING ]

OH, YOU, SIR, WERE ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.

-WHY DID SHE WANT TO MEET BACK HERE?

EVERYBODY ELSE IS OUT FRONT.

-IT'S THE PERFECT PLACE TO PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD.

-OH, WOULD YOU CALM DOWN?

-I NEED THOSE. -[ SCOFFS ]

[ LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS ] -JANE?

-DID YOU LIKE MY FATHER?

-I -- I LIKED HIM VERY MUCH, YEAH.

HE HAD A WEARY EYE FOR ME, BUT I LIKED HIM.

HE LIKED ME, I THINK.

-I THINK HE THINKS YOU'RE HANDSOME.

-[ CHUCKLES ] OKAY.

-HOW MANY SEATS DO YOU THINK THERE ARE?

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ]

-... FAIRIES FLOATING ABOUT, GRANTING WISHES.

DO YOU HAVE ANY WISHES YOU NEED THE FAIRIES TO GRANT?

-I WISH THAT WE WERE

IN A BLACK-AND-WHITE MOVIE TOGETHER.

-WOW. WELL, YOU KNOW, I-I SPEAK FAIRY FLUENTLY, ACTUALLY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MEAN, I'M NOT INCREDIBLY FLUENT, BUT I CAN DO IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU HAVE THE MOST AMAZING LAUGH.

-BIANCA, BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING,

I GAVE JACK HER NUMBER. [ DOOR CLOSES ]

I KNOW I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE,

AND I AM VERY, VERY SORRY. I OWN IT.

I SWEAR I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE HER HAPPY.

I JUST -- I WANTED TO...

...HELP.

-THANK YOU.

-YOU'RE WELCOME.

-I LOVE YOU, BABE.

-I LOVE YOU, TOO, WITH ALL OF MY HEART.

-AND I'M PROUD OF YOU --

LIKE, BIG-TIME.

-I'M PROUD OF YOU. -MM?

-LIKE INSANE-TIME. YOU WERE...

YOU WERE INCREDIBLE UP THERE.

-[ CLEARS THROAT ]

-CYNTHIA'S WANTING -- WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING.

-I'M GONNA GET HER. [ CHUCKLES ]

HEY. -[ Chuckling ] HEY.

YOU WERE SO AWESOME.

-THANK YOU. THANK -- -THESE ARE FOR YOU.

-MM. -[ CHUCKLES ]

-THE CAST IS MEETING AT THAT BAR AROUND THE CORNER.

UH, HOW ABOUT I MEET YOU GUYS THERE IN ABOUT 10?

-WHAT ABOUT JANE?

-I DON'T THINK WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT JANE.

-SO WHAT NOW?

-UH, I GUESS, UH,

I PUT YOU IN A CAR AND TAKE YOU HOME.

AND THEN I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

AND THEN WE COULD START ALL OVER.

-HEY.

-OH.

-RELAX. I -- I COME IN PEACE.

-SHOULDN'T YOU BE OUT WITH THE REST OF THE CAST?

-I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'LL STILL HAVE FUN WITHOUT ME.

-WELL, IF YOU'RE HERE TO LECTURE ME,

YOU SHOULD JUST GO HOME.

I'M FINE.

-I KNOW YOU ARE, JANE.

-HEY, JACK.

DID YOU GUYS ENJOY THE SHOW?

-YEAH.

YOU REALLY AMAZED ME, BIANCA.

I MEAN, I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE GOOD.

I JUST -- I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THAT GOOD.

YOU MADE ME LIKE SHAKESPEARE.

THAT'S HUGE. [ CHUCKLES ]

-AWESOME.

THANK YOU.

THAT REALLY MEANS A LOT.

-YEAH, I WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED IT FOR THE WORLD.

-DO YOU MIND IF I JUST HAVE A MINUTE WITH MY SIS?

I WILL GIVE HER RIGHT BACK. I PROMISE.

-IT'S OKAY. SHE'S TELLING THE TRUTH.

-YEAH, I'LL JUST WAIT OUT FRONT.

-AGAIN, YOU WERE REALLY KILLER.

-THANKS.

[ DOOR OPENS ] [ CHUCKLES ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ] WOW.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT DRESS?

-FROM THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT.

-I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SHOULD BE WEARING THAT.

-WHY NOT?

I MADE IT. HMM.

-YOU MADE THAT?

-YES, I DID.

-WOW.

YOU LOOK SO...

GROWN-UP AND SO BEAUTIFUL.

-YOU WERE REALLY GOOD TONIGHT, BIANCA.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T WATCH THE WHOLE THING,

BUT I WAS THERE FOR MOST OF YOUR DRESS REHEARSALS

AND THE REGULAR REHEARSALS, TOO.

-I KNOW. I KNOW YOU WERE.

-AND I ONLY MEANT SOME OF THE THINGS I SAID LAST NIGHT.

NOT ALL OF THEM.

ONLY SOME OF THEM.

-ME, TOO.

-ARE YOU MAD AT ME ABOUT JACK?

-NOT IF HE'S NICE TO YOU.

-PLEASE DON'T DRIVE HIM AWAY.

I REALLY LIKE HIM, BIANCA.

I DO. AND HE LIKES ME, TOO.

HE THINKS I'M BEAUTIFUL. -I KNOW HE DOES.

-AND IT'S OKAY IF YOU FEEL A LITTLE OVERPROTECTIVE,

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'M VERY MATURE FOR MY AGE.

-YES, YOU ARE.

AND SO, JANE, LISTEN, I...

I THINK I'VE GOTTEN A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL

TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING, TRYING TO KEEP YOU SAFE.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT I DO. THAT'S WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DONE.

BUT I'VE BEEN SO FOCUSED ON THE PERSON THAT YOU WERE

THAT I WASN'T SEEING THE PERSON YOU'VE BECOME.

[ Voice breaking ] I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, JANE.

AND I'M REALLY SORRY I DIDN'T SEE THAT SOONER.

-ARE YOU OKAY?

-MM. [ SNIFFLES ]

IT'S JUST A LOT OF CHANGE, YOU KNOW?

UM...

ROB'S LEAVING.

HE'S GOT TO GO AWAY FOR WORK FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

UM, HE'LL BE BACK, BUT I'M REALLY GONNA MISS HIM.

-I COULD STAY WITH YOU,

KEEP YOU COMPANY FOR A BIT WHILE ROB'S AWAY.

ONLY FOR A LITTLE WHILE, THOUGH.

-I WOULD REALLY LIKE THAT. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ SNIFFLES ]

THAT IS, OF COURSE,

IF YOU STILL WANT TO LIVE WITH YOUR BOSSY BIG SISTER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

♪♪

-YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, BIANCA.

-YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, TOO, SIS.

-OKAY. I HAVE TO GO NOW.

JACK'S OUTSIDE GETTING A CAR FOR US

TO MAKE SURE I GET HOME SAFE.

-YEAH, YOU BETTER GO, THEN.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO KEEP HIM WAITING.

[ SIGHS ]

[ SOBS ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ SNIFFLES ]

[ VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS ]

[ SIGHS ]

♪♪

THANKS, JIM.

-♪ SO DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THIS COULD BE THE START ♪

♪ OF SOMETHING SO SWEET ♪

♪ AND EXACTLY WHAT I NEED ♪

♪ IT'S SITTIN' IN MY DREAMS ♪

♪ AND IT SLO-OWS DOWN ♪

♪ THE WORDS IN ME ♪

♪ YES, IT SLO-OWS DOWN ♪

♪ THE WORDS IN ME ♪

♪ SO DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME ♪

♪ THIS COULD BE THE START ♪

♪ OF SOMETHING SO SWEET ♪

♪ AND EXACTLY WHAT I NEED ♪

-WHEN THOU WAKEST,

THOU TAKEST TRUE DELIGHT

IN THE SIGHT OF THY FORMER LADY'S EYE.

AND THE COUNTRY PROVERB KNOWN --

THAT EVERY MAN SHOULD TAKE HIS OWN --

IN YOUR WAKING SHALL BE SHOWN.

JACK SHALL HAVE JANE.

NOUGHT SHALL GO ILL.

THE MAN SHALL HAVE HIS MARE AGAIN,

AND ALL SHALL BE WELL.

-[ As Robert de Niro ] YOU LOOKING AT ME?

-[ GASPS ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪