Original subtitles

[street noises fade in]

[PETRA] Elena.

I had a dream about you last night.

You were soft.

Walking the streets of New York

in a silk blouse.

I try to get close...

touch you...

to feel your smell.

But when I look, you're on top of a wall,

entangled in a mesh of electric wires.

I look again

and it's me who's on top of the wall.

I touch the wires,

trying to get a shock.

and I fall off the wall

from very high

and die.

*Dedicated to the One I Love

[PETRA] Our mother always told me

that I could live anywhere in the world.

Except New York.

That I could choose any profession

except acting.

On September 4th 2003,

I started studying Theatre

at Columbia University.

They wanted me to forget you, Elena.

But I returned to New York,

hoping to find you in the streets.

I bring with me everything you left in Brazil.

Your videos, pictures, diaries...

letters on tape

because you were always embarrassed

of your handwriting

and preferred recording your impressions

of the days here to send us.

Today I walked through the city

listening to your voice

and I identify so much with your words

that I start loosing myself in you.

[WOMAN] How old are you? -20.

[WOMAN] 20? And how tall are you?

five nine and a half.

[WOMAN] You were born in Brazil?

I was born in Brazil, and I've been here

almost a year and a half now.

[WOMAN] What brought you to come

to the United States?

I was doing theatre there

since I was 14 years old and then...

the possibilities in Brazil are like,

either you continue doing theatre

which, I mean, there are very few productions,

or you do soaps.

I was invited to do one...

I mean after a while I was in theatre,

but I don't really like it.

[WOMAN] You wanted to do other things?

Films.

And in Brazil, it's like, almost none!

Especially now that the system changed there.

It's like, 1 movie a year at best.

[WOMAN] Do your parents get you involved

in this business at all?

No. My mom is a journalist and sociologist,

she writes for the newspaper there

and my father's a politician.

He lives in Brazil as well.

*soft music

[PETRA] Actually,

our father always said that we inherited

this dream of making films from our mother.

and in the middle of your videotapes,

I found this film that she never showed me.

It's a silent film where she plays the lead.

From the time she still dreamed

of being a hollywood star

and kissing Frank Sinatra.

This made her feel like a woman.

And helped her escape from a world

where she felt out of place...

misunderstood.

The daughter of a traditional family from Minas Gerais,

she could see no place for herself

except in marriage.

A society lady.

One day,

sitting in front of the mirror in her dresser room,

she makes a drawing.

The drawing of her sadness

and decides she has until her 16th birthday

to find meaning to her life.

And she finds our father.

A Brazilian who just arrived

from the country she dreams of in films and songs,

but who comes back from New York

not as a Sinatra, but as a Che Guevera

carrying in his pockets books by Marx,

and the desire to start a revolution.

And overnight, our mother leaves the Catholic school,

sells her TV, her hair,

and jumps into the street demonstrations.

Together they joined the Communist Party

ready to be sent off the gurrila warfare in Araguaia.

But when the leaders see her 6 month belly,

they don't let them go.

Almost all the young people that go

end up executed by the military.

It was you in our mother's belly

who saved our parents lives.

And in the middle of this turmoil

you were born

and raised in hiding,

never allowed to tell anyone where you lived.

I wonder how this time

stayed in your memory.

In your body.

The first images I find of you

you just turned 13

and got this camera as a present.

It was when I was born,

in the 80s, the time of the amnesty.

Our family exited clandenistity

and seemed to enter an american commercial from the 50s.

And you start to dance.

Dance...

*intense piano music

My mother said that since you were 4

you knew you wanted to be an actress.

And it seems you always found a way

of putting me in the picture.

*upbeat music

[PETRA] You showed me

all the Sherly Temple movies

and trained me to become an actress.

First, you teach me how to sing.

[PETRA] You spend the afternoons directing me

acting, creating scenes.

[doorbell]

[PETRA] I remember watching this scene

where you killed my Nanny

and I had so many nightmares of this.

*Dedicated To The One I Love

[PETRA] When you turned 15 our parents separated

and you stopped filming.

And little by little,

I feel you becoming distant.

I look for you.

You stopped playing theatre with me

to become a real actress.

And when you're 17

you join the Flying Bull Theatre Group.

[PETRA] The other actors tell me

you practiced non-stop.

Obsessively.

That even when everything seemed perfect

for you it was never good enough.

Something was always missing.

*fast music

But you're not satisfied.

You want more.

You say you want to be a film actress.

[children singing]

And on my birthday you took me by the hand

led me up these stairs

came into this room

closed the door

and said:

[PETRA] You put the shell over my ear

and I hear the ocean.

[ocean waves fade in]

You were right.

7 was my worst age.

*fiddle music

[PETRA] You take your photos

to several film companies

and get to do some auditions.

You leave this interview excited

but the days pass

and there's no news.

No one calls you back.

You call them many times

and they tell you to wait.

You can't stand this time.

This waiting.

[subway noises]

[PETRA] I'm still 7

and you come back

thinking that here in Brazil

your roots will find more space to grow.

[PETRA] But a letter arrives

saying you were accepted to a university

in New York.

And our mom decides that this time

we'll go the 3 of us.

Together.

So we won't be so alone.

You get on the plane

showing me how everything works

how it flies.

But in an instant, you start crying.

It's your ears that hurt.

I feel strange seeing my big sister crying.

You argue with my mother,

There is anger in your crying.

Such deep, forceful crying.

*soft piano music

[PETRA] I don't like the first months in New York.

Olinda doesn't take care of me anymore

and I hate it.

I hate learning English.

The school

The teacher with her tiger skirt.

And the cold.

When I get home

I do 2 small rituals:

I scratch my wrists with a serated knife

till there really red

and I put a bandaid on my forehead.

You see me,

and pull me into the bathroom.

Serious, you say:

Petra, be a good actress.

If you want to draw attention, do it right.

Nobody's going to believe

in this bandaid in the middle of your forehead.

Hide it a bit under your bangs

and it will be much more convincing.

At that time I didn't believe in God

or in Santa Clause.

But I believed in mermaids.

They seemed as possible to me

as the seahorses I saw in the aquarium.

You take me to watch "The Little Mermaid"

in the cinema near our house

and on this day,

you start playing theatre with me again

and we come back singing

and feeling like her,

underwater.

Dreaming of changing skins.

Then, you read me the original story

where the Little Mermaid suffers

to be come a woman,

loses her voice and dies.

What do you mean, she dies?

I feel betrayed.

I ask to sleep with you.

What's left of this memory

is this dance we created together.

[PETRA] The Little Mermaid

accepts the pain of a knife

cutting into her body

bleeding her body

to get legs

and be able to dance.

[PETRA] One afternoon

I bring a friend home.

My first new friend after months.

I start showing her our house.

The living room, the bedroom,

until we come to yours.

I knock on the door

and come in with the girl.

You're all covered up

only your face is showing.

Your eyes are red.

Maybe you said something from your bed,

I don't remember.

All I remember is that when we left the room,

my friend with an anxious look

asked me what was wrong with you.

She's like that, I answered.

She's like that.

[PETRA] Our mother spends hours

looking for you in the streets,

desperate.

but after some time, you come back.

she takes you to a psychiatrist

and you start being treated with lithium.

[PETRA] You wake me up in the morning.

You're sad, I don't like it.

Your sadness.

I remember it's the day of show and tell

and it's my turn to take something

to show and tell to my class.

You go to your room,

you come back with a blue stuffed dog.

You explain that it has special powers

and that whenever I really wanted something

I just had to close my eyes,

make a wish,

shake the little dog,

and my wish will come true.

When it's time for show and tell

the children form a circle

and my turn comes to explain what the dog's about.

It shakes, and has sad eyes.

And the children ask:

but doesn't it play music?

Doesn't it do anything else?

No.

It only shakes and has sad eyes.

You stay home.

All day long at home

alone.

Doing what?

Talking to whom?

At the end of the day, a friend calls you.

You were supposed to meet.

I've been imagining this person

for 20 years.

What did you say to him?

What did he do?

[MAN] This one weekend

that we had planned on her

coming to see the show I was doing,

I called her late in the day.

She didn't sound good.

So I said 'Elena, I'll come and get you,

we'll go out for a drink,

we'll go out for a coffee

or whatever it is you like to do

I'll come get you.'

She was hysterical over the phone.

She was like 'I don't want you to see me like this'

and 'I'm not doing so well'

and I said 'No, Elena, it's OK

it's not a problem, I'll come and get you!

Please let me come and get you,

I'll jump in a cab and I'll come and I'll get you!'

and she said 'No no, Michael please,

I don't want to see you, I feel bad,

I feel terrible and I don't...'

I said 'I'm coming to get you.'

So I jumped in a cab with my roommate

and rang the bell, rang the bell, rang the bell...

She wasn't answering.

and then I ran to the corner

to a pay phone and I called her,

and I kept calling and calling and calling her

but the line was busy...

I was so frustrated, so angry.

I'd been out there for, like, an hour

and I didn't know what to do

when your mother showed up.

[PETRA] You take a whole bottle of aspirin

sit at a desk and write this letter.

[PETRA whispers] This time

I was not supposed to fight...

*soft piano music

[PETRA] When I got back home

I saw my mother with such a sad,

desperate look I'd never seen before.

Did Elena die? I asked.

And she told me it was you.

I found everything so cruel.

[PETRA] In the days that followed

my cousin told me that if I waned

I could keep on talking to you.

That you'd be invisible, but you'd hear me.

I do this.

I talk to you.

[PETRA] After you die,

our mother becomes longing.

Always with a sad, distant look.

I ask:

'what is it mom? Are you sad?'

She watches me in silence,

tries to smile and says

'I'm thinking of Elena.'

I come close, give her a hug,

touch her, just to try to make her smile.

And we repeats this ritual,

this talk everyday,

many times a day,

until I don't even have to ask.

I look at her and know she's thinking of you.

Almost always thinking of you.

Our father, when I ask him about you,

he can't speak.

He only looks away in silence.

Psychological report:

Petra is a 7 years, 6 month old girl

who was brought for psychological evaluation

by her mother.

The mother indicated that Petra started saying

that she wanted to die

and has been experiencing nightmares.

There is also evidence of depression,

and feelings of guilt.

Petra avoided talking about her sister.

Petra is using defences,

which suggest obsessive compulsive tendencies

in order to cope with difficult situations.

She is likely to continue using these defences

for a while,

which permit her to deny admission

of her true depression.

I turn 10

and my mother and I decide to spend our vacation

at the country home of some friends.

They have a golf cart

and I spend my days driving up and down.

One afternoon,

going around in circles with the cart,

I realize you'd died forever.

*soft music

Won't she ever come back again?

No.

She's dead.

She'll never come again.

I go back to the house

and realize my mother can die

and think that if I thought this

it means she'll really die at any moment

that it's a sign

and that I have to do everything that I can

to avoid it.

I start making promises constantly

that I won't ever eat salt again,

that i'll climb all the stairs

to the 19th floor of our appartment on my knees,

and that I'll never look at a mirror

so that she won't die.

I always went into the bathroom

with my eyes closed.

Then, like everything,

the fear disappeared

and you slowly disappeared with it.

Until it's time for university admission exams.

I study a lot,

but don't know where to go

what path to take.

At the very last moment,

I choose theatre.

But when night comes, I can't sleep.

Not even a minute.

2...

3...

5 days go by

and I don't sleep.

I start to feel that my brain's

going to explode.

Break down.

That a piece will come out of place.

Changing clothes,

I hear myself talking alone.

I look at the mirror

and can't see anything behind my eyes.

[PETRA] She convinces me

that life's not worth it.

I have to die with her.

I'm afraid.

Afraid of what time is going to do to me.

What's my role...

What's my role in this film?

I turn 17...

18...

And feel as the hours go by

I get closer to you.

Until on my 21st birthday

my mother looks at me and says:

'Now you're older than Elena.'

The fear that I'd follow in your steps

began to dissipate.

But I kept on finding that you,

Elena, were in me.

A part of me.

I stop feeling this

when I started looking for you.

You began taking shape.

A body.

Being re-born a bit, from me.

But to die again...

And I,

much more conscious to feel your death

this time.

Immense pleasure,

that comes with so much pain.

I drown in you.

In Orphellius.

*soft piano music

I perform.

I perform our death

to find air.

To be able to live.

And little by little,

the pain turns to water.

Becomes memory.

*soft piano music

Memories go with time.

They fade.

But some finale songs,

just bits of relief

in the small openings of poetry.

You are my unconsolable memory

made of shadow and stone

and it is from this that all is born

and dances.

*Dedicated To The One I Love