Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Hello! Ah, wait. All right.

Let me get the earplugs!

Where is that video button thing?

Oh there! I see you!

Oh, Matthew, darling? How is Berlin? Hm?

What?!

When?! Where?!

Matthew!

Oh! Oh! Wait! Wait! Wait! You heard her clearly?

You sure that she said "yes".

Oh, darling, that is wonderful!

- I love this house. - Yeah, ditto.

It's in great shape too. Here.

Oh.

Jesus Christ! Mom!

That's a leak.

Looks minor though.

Mom!

- Mom! - Agh!

Why aren't you ready yet?

The alarm didn't go off.

Oh, fuck... it did.

Cibby came over last night and we had couple pisco sours

and random daiquiri and...

John, would you stop that fucking racket!

You told me to be here, Barbara!

Carry on!

- How was your trip? - Oh, wonderful!

Yeah. I love Vietnam,

oh, I could live in a hut

and sit there and read for the rest of my life.

You're tanned.

You're white, you need get some sun.

No I don't actually. My melatonin and Vitamin D levels

are exactly where I want them to be.

Is that-is that freshly squeezed orange juice?

Oh, we have to remember to pick up my date.

Wait a sec, you're bringing a date?

Since when? Who is she?

He... a former colleague, teaches ecology and math.

Very, very well I might add.

So, you're still renting your room to Q, I guess?

- He's the bike courier. - Right.

Indeed I am.

Oh, he got hit by a car yesterday.

He got a concussion, he's okay,

just a little confused, keeps calling me Ronald.

Well, I'm, I'm very sorry to hear that but...

don't you think he could give you back your room

- while you're in town? - That sounds fair, Ronald.

He's paying for it! It's his.

That's what renting the fucking thing means, dear!

Oh!

John, stop that fucking racket!

You told me to be here, Barbara!

Oh, hey Q, how are you?

Pretty good, pretty good.

Well, I got hit by a car yesterday.

Oh yeah, I heard.

Have you seen Ronald?

No, that is... that's not anybody.

There is nobody who lives here whose name is Ronald.

Well, I gotta get to work.

- Have a good day, Q. - You too.

Ugh! I hate that painting.

It makes me want to barf.

- Uh... I'm sorry, who are you? - I live here.

For the moment anyway, cuz it's cheap as fuck.

Yeah. I'm looking for my brother,

do you know where he is?

♪ ...late night, giving a fuck ♪

- Hi bro. - Not your bro.

Why aren't you ready?

- Hm. - Oh, that's gross, dude.

Magda, Carrie. Carrie is my sister.

She's... excuse me...

charming and beautiful and she's a yoga instructor.

Oh, she uh, she did that painting too.

Yeah, I did.

I'll be right down. Yeah... turn the washing machine on,

there is lots of people in the house.

Oh, God.

Hiya!

This is a home invasion, hit the ground!

Take whatever you want.

The only valuable thing here is me.

Ugh!

I like your confidence.

Oh, my back!

Oh, honey. There is my, baby?

Oh, Barb! It's so great to see you.

- How was South East Asia? - Oh, it was marvelous!

I went to something called a "full moon party".

I don't remember much of it. Let's go.

How is your acting going, Kurt?

Good. Yeah.

I'm in the mix for a recurring on "CSI".

What? That's amazing! I'm so proud of you, man.

- Ha. - You're a great actor, man.

When have you-when have you ever seen me act?

In the play. About that thing.

Yeah.

You notice how mom says "oh" all the time?

Like, she applies it to every emotion.

Like happy: Oh!

Sad: Like Ooooh!

Surprised: OOOOOHHH!

Has she been singing?

Only in the shower?

Do you think she's a little too old to do all this traveling?

I think it's cool.

It's not like she's staying in youth hostels.

I'd fact check that.

This is how people react when they're in a crisis.

She can't be home because that would mean facing her reality.

OOOHHH Misha!

Open the back, please!

...so when Daria gets back from Russia

she'll take the solarium, I'll move to the couch.

- OH! - What the fuck was that?!

- I'm okay! Totally fine! - You okay Q?

It's part of the job!

Can we talk about the Eastern European child

- living in my bedroom? - Oh, Magda, isn't she lovely?

So you don't mind that Kurt's fucking her?

- Ohhhh, my! - He is?

Well, it's none of my business

but if you want an honest opinion,

Screwing a 21-year-old is symptomatic of Kurt

not taking himself seriously.

Then it is your business.

Oh, definitely.

Well, it's my childhood bedroom, okay?

And it's disgusting.

But it's not your room anymore.

We packed up your Judy Blume books

and your failed math exams.

Oh, you sucked in match. That's so cute.

I think Q found your vibrators.

He might be using them.

The least you could do is mail them to me.

- Oh! - Vibrators? Nice.

- Very nice! - Okay.

- There we go. - Fuck me.

- Well, that's great. - Okay.

- Oh God! - We're parked.

- Everybody good... - Yeah.

- ...emotionally? - Yep.

400 and 25 fucking dollars a night, for this place?

Yo Dude. Dude. Recognize this t-shirt?

No, should I?

It's Levi's.

Car-Carrie's Levi, her ex-boyfriend?

Levi's the shit, man.

His music is so fucking dope.

You must be really excited to meet him, then?

Wore my favorite shirt, didn't I?

Hey, there's the world traveler!

Oh! Come here!

- Oh! - You okay?

I just, I just love you so much.

I love you, too.

You look beautiful, mom.

So much love, big brother! So much love!

- Mwah! - Wouldn't miss it.

This must be Misha, nice to... hug you!

It's an honor.

Okay.

You feel like her brother.

This stoned little chap here, is my date, Albert.

- Hi. - And last but not least,

the man who will screw any boarder,

no matter the country of origin,

your brother... Kurt!

Oh...

"Um, siblings, they resemble us just enough

to make all their differences confusing,

and no matter what we choose to make of this,

we are cast in relation to them,

our whole lives long" Susan Scarfe Merrell.

Who writes for I don't care magazine.

- That's not funny. - You look like shit.

You too.

You skinny piece of shit.

Mwah!

Okay, let's go inside. Let's get you warm, ma.

So do you two have separate rooms, or...?

Separate beds.

Pretty much the same thing.

- Is it? - Hi.

- You look amazing! Hi. - Hi.

I'm so nervous.

Baby! Hi! How are you?

Good. Good.

- Love you. I miss you. - Okay.

Needless to say, um, I know this is...

- will you make sure mom's okay? - I knew it was coming.

Waaa, it's my wedding.

Move those stems, Albert!

I'm moving them.

All right, no tragedies yet.

Shit.

- Oh, I-I mean, hi. - Hello.

Well, I didn't expect you here. I thought you were

taking pictures in the Middle East.

There's shrapnel in my brain.

- My God, can they get it out? - No, it's permanent.

- Oh my... - Who's this man?

- This man is my date. - Albert. It's a pleasure.

Well, it was nice to see you.

Did you get my emails?

A phone is better for an old gal like me.

Have a drink with me before dinner.

I need to get ready for the rehearsal dinner.

Carrie made us late.

You know, eventually you're gonna have to let that close.

One drink. You owe me that.

Fine, then I'll probably have three.

Who was that guy?

Roy, he was Tamara's assistant for years.

Kind of an uncle to the children.

Intense fellow.

Yeah. Fuckin' weird.

It's amazing. It's really amazing

because it's like right near all the like,

nice places on Melrose, you know,

so we get lots of lattes. I love the chai lattes.

Shut up.

Don't they shut up?

It's so good, you know. I like always with like, almond milk.

It's my new favorite thing. It's so good.

Anyway how, how 'bout you, Kurt? Are you still acting?

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

I just wanted to know, I-I haven't seen anything.

- Levi! - Oh.

Wait, wait. Shouldn't we let this happen organically?

Okay.

...but I appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Mom, mom!

- Uh, yeah! Hi, honey. - Good to see you.

This is my boyfriend, Misha.

Hey. Levi. Nice to meet you, dude.

It's okay to speak now.

Uh...

I-I-I wo... see...

Heh, so...

Let's go sit down. We'll catch up with you later.

- Okay. - Okay.

All right, right there, next to this guy.

- Right here. - I'll get a chair

I'll get you a chair. Come on.

Okay.

I seriously can't believe this.

I'm trying not to freak out.

Well, it's not a crisis yet. Let's just take a deep breath.

Okay so, unfortunately yes,

the chicken was cooked in the same oven as the vegetables.

- Fantastic. - I'm sorry.

Is it... is it really that big of a deal?

No, it's not, at all.

It's just, I mean, we made a point of requesting this

six months ago and both of you said it would be fine.

- Yeah. - You know, what this reminds me of

is an Edna St. Vincent Millay poem.

She says, "Your tea is cold"-

- Right now? You're gonna recite the poem?

What-what are you writing?

Yeah, no I'm just making a note of what not to do

- at our wedding. - We have a list.

- Yes. - We agree on everything.

Right. Hey, when is that wedding again?

- This spring. - Next fall.

Okay, we gotta, we'll see you guys in a second.

I'm sorry again.

- Did... what did you say? - I said sp...

- Next fall. - Fall, yeah.

- Fall. - Okay, that's weird.

- We - would

- like - to - extend

- a - warm

- welcome - to

- all - of - you.

Thank you.

As one of the mothers of the groom,

I would like to take this moment to welcome everyone.

Oh, my goodness, these cue cards say that

we're at a wedding for a hotshot corporate lawyer

- from Bay Street... - Wrong!

Wrong! Yeah, darn. That's not how I remember it.

What I do remember is Matty coming home

and saying that he's going to move to Berlin,

and pursue a career in EDM.

And hearing that, I said... we said,

"what the hell is EDM?"

- I knew what it was. - Of course you did.

Then he made himself a successful career

because Matty is not afraid of failure.

He throws himself into things,

and that's exactly what he's doing with this woman,

he's jumping in. Mazel tov!

- Mazel tov! - Cheers! Mazel tov!

♪ With eyes open, I was havin' a dream ♪

♪ And as real as it seemed ♪

♪ It wasn't right ♪

♪ And I saw you, or was it somebody else ♪

♪ I remember your face ♪

♪ And your Converse shoes ♪

♪ Then I hope you know what it means to me ♪

♪ When I'm on my own and I'd wish I'd be right here ♪

♪ Right here, right here ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ And when I get my stuff and I'm ready to go ♪

♪ That's when things get rough and I lose control ♪

♪ I can't let go, let go, ♪

♪ Let go-o-o ♪

- ♪ Hmm ♪ - ♪ Oh oh oh ♪

You didn't meet me at the bar?

Oh shit. I um, I forgot, I'm sorry.

I made it clear that I needed to speak with you.

Can't it wait? I'm in the middle of my son's wedding...

I've been waiting long enough!

You're free now! Don't you understand that?

That evil woman cannot control you anymore!

- Excuse me! - Please.

I'm sorry, Matthew.

I didn't mean to disturb your meal.

The chicken looks delicious.

Uh, that concludes the dinner theatre portion of our evening.

- Thank you. - It does. Thank you! Thank you.

Oh, fuck this!

Well look, why don't we just go into our room,

have a drink, relax and then make a sort of game plan

for what might possibly be a sorta stressful weekend?

Possibly?!

Oh great. Here she comes!

Care to explain what the fuck that was about?

Hi. Nice to see you, too.

Gee, it's been a while. How are you?

I'm fantastic. My son's getting married.

Oh, me too.

The only problem is, I just found out

that my ex was fucking my assistant behind my back.

Not behind your back.

I don't cheat like you.

I think this might be the mini-bar key.

- Oh hi, by the way. - Who the fuck is that?

Oh, you've met him before, but clearly,

you weren't paying attention

because he doesn't have a pixie cut or a shaved pussy.

We met at Sharon and Stew's Oktoberfest a few years ago.

Ah, yeah.

You know where they had that phenomenal pumpkin pie?

Ooh. It was divine. Oh... join the fuckin' party.

- I'll tell him to go. - Shut up, Albert.

What's with the beard? What are you, a frickin' wizard?

Oh yeah, Roy's a wizard now.

Cast a fuckin' spell, make Tammy disappear.

You are not my boss anymore.

I won't be manipulated by you!

Got it!

Look, can I come in, because I was thinking...

It's a systemic problem.

Oh, we need the whole Board to agree,

in order to make the new platform effective.

Yes, that's exactly what I was telling them.

- What, the other teachers? - Yes, Sally and Darren.

- Who have we got? All right. - Yeah. Sally and Darren.

- We've got Albert. - Oh, and the...

Ohhhh, no, no.

Good God, no.

Mr. Fun Time.

Sue's so young and pretty, isn't she?

Yeah.

You want her, don't you?

Yeah.

Hey babe, you can if you want to.

What?

Be with Sue.

I don't wanna hear about it, but I don't mind.

Look, I want you to be happy.

I want you to be free. Hm?

So, that was the infamous Roy, huh?

He's a lot more handsome than I imagined.

Bet he's got good bone structure under that beard.

He's lost his looks.

That's harsh.

Hi! Ahh, buddy, I missed you so much!

Yeah, say goodnight to me. Speak!

Say goodnight to mama. Speak. Speak now. Speak.

Just say fucking anything.

'K, Care, I kinda have to like, go to bed.

- Okay, yeah. - All right?

- Yeah, okay. - Okay.

Bye!

Oh.

Now, come and fuck me like you used to fuck Levi

- when you were 19. - That's weird.

Let's figure out why.

Do you think Barb had a real relationship with him?

I thought you said they dated men.

Yeah, but not after they were together, come on!

Oh, I am so livid with both of them!

You know, Ragu says that I come from a family

where both parents put each other first,

you know, and that was the primary love.

And so the children are searching

for this unconditional love that they never got at home.

Did you spell Ragu, like the pasta sauce?

Ragu says my moms claim... claim, okay,

to be this ultra-liberal, open-minded people,

when their own approach to relationships

is totally antiquated, right.

That's like, grow the fuck up.

Powerful love is so much more than some meaningless screw.

But you and I had an open relationship for a while.

We set out rules like adults. We followed them.

We slept with a few people.

A few?

I thought it was just that skank, Ariane?

Yeah, it was just that skank, Ariane.

Baby boomers.

What is this world they're giving us?

They have done nothing right.

Free shipping?

Dancing to Motown while doing the dishes?

I'm gonna take a shower.

No, no, no, you don't have to do that.

Not for me, not ever.

I am not feelin' it, dude.

Hey, you know, it'd be nice if we could just show up

to a hotel once in a while,

and make love, like a normal couple.

Well, if you need me,

I'll be masturbating onto Levi's t-shirt.

- Phew! Ridiculous! - Oh my God!

Why did you invite French Canadian Gandolf?

Well, I thought if I could trick him back

into civilization, he might shower.

- Hmm. - No, he's not...

you know, he's always been really good to me, Roy.

- Mm-hm? - Oh, how annoying is Carrie?

Oh my God, like the world does not revolve around

your dietary restrictions.

And Misha, every time he walks in a room,

it's like a cloud of marijuana smoke comes with him.

Like he has his own atmosphere.

Maybe Tammy got a contact buzz,

and that's why her speech was so terrible?

Well, I don't know if I'd use the word terrible.

I mean, I get why you liked it.

It was all about Matt.

Her Matty. Her Matthew.

Nothing about the woman

he's about to spend the rest of his life with.

That is very fair, my dear.

That speech could have used a re-write.

I mean, I get why she's obsessed with you.

You're the only one in the family

that's not suffering from failed potential.

It's like everyone else seems

disappointed in themselves.

Did you get a chance to talk to him?

Who?

No, not yet.

I did, I think he's doing well. He...

I don't know. He seems good. He's up for a big part.

- Cool. - Yeah.

Woo!

All right, ladies! You should feel this one all the way

from your shoulders to your booty.

- Ready? - Oh yeah.

- That feels good. Woo! - Yeah!

Now, pivot!

Pivot! Need to lower your waist like,

fits chicken like Brittany over there.

I'm tryin' my best!

Oh yeah, Brittney is tryin' her best.

Now cue your little move here.

We're gonna pulse, pulse, pulse.

Hey!

Hey girl!

You ready to get bikini ready?

Uh, yeah!

All right, dive in here, girl.

Get in there, make some space.

That's it! Make some space for the cutie patootie.

There you go. Yeah!

Look at this extraordinary garden!

The water lilies have such amazing color in them.

Albert, keep it to yourself.

Yes, I suppose I am being a rather loquacious person

this morning. Have fun!

So you still planning on opening your studio?

Because I can help you with a business plan.

Yeah, that's not happening anytime soon.

Why would you say that?

I'm 50 grand in debt.

Don't you remember making me pay for rent and tuition

when I was in university?

We did it to make you stronger.

I think you just made her pissed off.

Shut up, Brittney! Woo! Let's go.

Okay. You're holding on to something,

you've got it built up deep inside of you,

just let it go. Jumping Jack!

Punch! Jumping Jack!

Punch! Jumping Jack!

Punch! Jumping Jack! Punch! Ahhh!

Lovely. Great.

Fabulous. Ha ha. Oh.

- Hi. - I'm sorry.

No, it's okay, don't be.

I'm Albert, and um,

I guess we haven't been properly introduced.

I'm Mareva, Mareva de la Torre.

It's a wonderful garden.

Don't you think?

Oh, I certainly do, particularly the uh, orchids.

Have you noticed how the Ipomoea cordatotriloba

are different shapes and colors?

How do you happen to uh...

Oh, I um, I took some biology at McGill.

I like how botany relates to math.

You do, eh?

Quantitative genetics, dendrochronology.

You know about dendrochronology?

You guys will play and then I'll do my set afterwards.

Hey, Kurt!

Um, and not more than 45 minutes?

We're cool with that? Thank you.

- Kurt! Hey! - Hey!

- How's it goin'? - Good.

- Good. - Hey, buddy.

Um, do you have a sec? Do you want to um, sit? Catch up?

Hmm...

Heh, heh!

You can take pictures of whatever beautiful things you see.

Do you understand me, Albert?

I'm not sure.

Oh! All right!

Ah yes! A little bit... Yes! Like that!

Oh, that's so great.

Yes!

Albert, move yourself! Get me another bloody Mary!

- It's a fuckin' emergency. - Oh, in that case, uh...

Um, so you're auditioning a lot or...

You know, it's uh it's either gonna happen or it's not, so.

But I did uh, yeah, you know,

it's a fuckin' boring story.

No tell me, I wanna hear. I wanna know.

No, it's fine. So uh, you and Louisa,

got a new place in Berlin, I hear?

- We do. We do. - Very nice.

You should see it. It's so very nice.

But uh, it's also uber expensive, and um,

I don't know how we can um...

Wait, how do you know? How do you know that? Did mom?

Oh no, uh, Louisa told me.

Oh, okay, you talked to Louisa.

- Yeah. - Okay, cool.

Last night.

Right, talked to Louisa at the, um, yeah, of course.

- Yeah, yeah. - It's a wedding so...

- You know... - It's what you gotta do.

- I know! - Calm down.

A lot of talkin'. Lot of talkin'.

- Calm down. - Yeah.

- Good talk. - Yeah, good talk.

- All right, buddy. - Love you, buddy.

- Love you, too. - All right, bye.

I'm just trying to keep everyone straight.

There's Levi, who plays the ukulele,

and then there's that Mexican lady.

Ooh, Mareva. Mareva de la Torre.

Mareva de la Torre, that's right.

She seems like such an intelligent person.

- I like her mind. - I like her tits.

Oh well, next time we run into each other,

I'll look at her chest, uh...

- Hey there! - Ah shit.

When were you gonna tell me about the boarders

living in our house?

It's on my calendar on none of-your-fuckin'-business day.

When you turn our house into a B&B full of bike couriers,

it becomes my business.

How am I supposed to pay the bills?

I need those rental cheques, to survive!

So you can vacation like an 18-year-old?

Pretty much!

She just came back from Southeast Asia.

Yeah. It was divine!

Who is this person following you around?

- He's my date! - Be careful you're at the edge!

And a fabulous one, at that!

This is it, this is the place we'd always come

when I was a kid, Fairmont Bagels.

Every time we came to Montreal.

So we could fight in public, like a family.

- Yeah, bagel shop. Huh. - Thank you.

Yeah, it's a legendary bagel shop, though.

I told you, this is where, well, first of all,

this is where Kurt and Carrie would like to fight about

whether the whole grain bagel is a real bagel.

And, whether that New Yorker article that I was reading you

about Leonard Cohen...

I'm writing a novel, based on my life.

You're in it, obviously.

Oh, send it to me. It'd be good kindling for the fire.

- Hey, I want to read it. - Oh, shut up, Albert.

- I thought you'd be flattered. - Flattered?

I don't want all these people reading about me.

And writing a novel does not absolve your behaviour.

You think I have time to buy another pair of socks?

- No! - It's all part of my process, okay?

You're not even a good writer, you're...

your emails could be written by a 5-year-old.

Yes? No? Food? Question mark?

Is it true you're not singing anymore?

Ugh. Who told you about the renters?

- Carrie. - Of course.

Well she didn't mean to, it just slipped out.

I'm surprised she even said anything to me at all.

- You want some water? - No.

Hey, this is full of bloody Mary's.

Then, yes!

Louisa, what's the problem?

I'm trying to fit into a wedding dress tomorrow,

and for some reason, I am across town

shoving a piece of dough into my mouth,

when I should be visiting with my family.

Yeah, my cousin Darrell is an asshole,

but he also came here from Europe.

This is your brain right now, okay?

Me, bagel, Tammy. Uh, Carrie.

Ooh, is Kurt mad at me? Uh, me, bagel.

Okay.

You guys are so obsessed with yourselves,

and trust me, it's really not that interesting.

- I'm sorry! - I just, I need some space.

Babe...

I don't wanna talk to you for a few hours.

Fuckin' lunatic.

Are you okay?

- Oh... - Hmmm.

It's no fun

being the most hated person at a wedding.

You know, my grandfather always used to say

there's one good day a week, one bad day,

and everything is just varying degrees in the middle.

Hmm.

You think the same could go for years?

No.

But for the sake of your situation, let's apply it.

- Hey! Brad! - Hey, Kurt!

- Did I catch you at a good time? - Yeah.

Are you at the wedding? Yeah? Goin' okay?

Uh, you know, it's uh, it's good.

You havin' a couple of drinks?

Yeah. What's up?

Listen, so spoke to casting and...

unfortunately it is not going our way.

But uh you know, casting said that they loved you,

- so onwards and upwards. - Yeah. No, it's good.

Okay, bud, you have a great time this weekend.

- Okay. - Okay.

- All right, buddy. - Okay, talk soon, bud.

Yeah, you too. Bye.

You wanna go for a walk?

No.

Sweet. Meet you outside.

We should get back!

No, no, no, we'll never make it. Come on!

Where're you going?

- You own a hair clip? - What?

- A hair clip? - Why?

Just give it to me.

I had to do this once for a shitty movie of the week.

I played a nice neighbour, who turned out to be a psycho.

Yeah, it was well-cast.

All right, come on!

Come on!

Looks like we missed the party.

Yeah.

Well, Kurt...

Mmm.

This is disgusting.

You gotta little...

Sorry.

I love you.

- And I miss you. - I miss you too.

You look so cute.

I know I do.

All right.

- Love you. - Love you, too.

Mwah.

I miss you.

I'll see ya soon.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Okay. - Bye.

- All right, you got your passport? - Check.

- Phone? - Check.

Nightlight?

That's really funny, ma, some gold material.

Travel books?

You know I do, I don't get why that's funny.

Like, what is wrong with having travel books? For real?

- They're full of... - Hey, Matty! Matty Matty!

- Come here! - Oh, I love you.

Me too. Have fun.

Thank you. And really, thank you.

For what?

For never giving two shits about anything. It inspires me.

Oh, hey, Matty... don't forget to call Louisa.

- I won't. Bye. - Bye!

Thank you, everybody!

...somebody locked it. Who the fuck locked it?

Okay. Not the most normal Saturday afternoon activity,

but you know, dancing is actually really good

for your serotonin levels. I tell it to all my patients.

You can't really feel suicidal

when you're doing the running man.

- Well, I have a new therapist. - Oh.

- Hilda. - And how is Hilda?

- She's a great kisser. - Ugh. Kurt.

Although, I do have a problem and I'm running into it.

- Maybe you can help me? - Hmm.

If we're talking for a half an hour

and then fucking for a half an hour,

should I be paying her for that whole hour?

Your problem sounds like a real conundrum.

Right?

You should do what I tell my patients to do,

which is, keep at it. You'll find a solution.

- Okay, keep at it. - Yeah.

I'm sorry I didn't call.

It was cowardly.

Yes, it was.

I realized that after the fact.

Are you sorry?

Yeah. Yes, I'm sorry.

How you doin' with uh, all this?

Good.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay. Good.

What are you still doing here?

Thought I'd clear my pores.

Plus, there is no cancellation policy on the room, so.

Well, enjoy.

Okay.

Can I have a hit?

Sorry about last night.

Perhaps my timing wasn't impeccable.

Ha.

When were you with her?

They were broken up. Don't worry.

You had moved out with Misha, 'twas just me, Barb,

and Q, the bike courier.

How is he, by the way?

Last time I saw him he had two broken wrists.

- Part of the job. - Hmm.

Your mother is a very passionate woman.

Oh no. Just stop talking, please.

- We stayed in bed for days. - No, please, stop it.

We were really there for each other.

Oh, fuck.

You know there's other people here, right?

So, where you living now?

Uh, I'm on a farm.

45 minutes north of Toronto,

but we're looking to move to Georgian Bay.

- Wow. So the middle of nowhere. - Hmm, exactly.

I'm um, I'm a farmer. I make jam, I read,

I have 5 different varieties of chard

- and I uh, have mulch. - Mulch?

I don't know what that is. Can you translate?

Oh, it's uh, paillis, I think it is.

Still don't know what that is.

Actually I've never heard that word in either language.

Yeah, well, it's a little bit different

than the last time you saw me.

But just as fascinating.

- Are you still writing? - No.

Why? You were good.

I loved reading your stuff.

Thanks.

I miss you and the boys.

I miss living vicariously through your exciting lives.

What?

It's just been a while

since I thought of my life as exciting.

It's good to see you.

All right, who's next?

Whose fucking story are we gonna do now?

And grammar, guys, not a rule.

Discipline, that's the only rule.

Look, don't judge that character, Ester,

that's something that you do. Inhabit her.

If you're characters are judging themselves that's fine,

but you judging your characters I mean, that's murder,

that's crime on your page.

- Whaddya want? - Divorce...

Wait, wait, wait.

- There's more... - Slow down.

This, this is what she does

when she goes on these fashion shoots.

Fucks the talent.

And I'm... I'm googling one right now, okay.

She's... she looks what, half... Korean, half Irish,

half... bitch? She's... she's...

she's Caligula, you know.

And then-and then, she keeps, she keeps writing to them,

I mean, come on, that's...

that's the worst part.

My friend Cibby is coming over around 9

for pisco sours. You know Cibby?

- Only for 20 years. - Billing, please.

Billing. Yeah, I need you to help me print out

- my train ticket to Detroit. - Why are you going to Detroit?

To see my friend Fran. But the printer's broken,

and the computer guy is in Kingston for the week.

I mean, who the hell goes to Kingston for a week?

What the hell do you do, in Kingston for a week?!

I said, billing!

You don't have to print your train tickets anymore.

Oh, it's Sook. Sook? Hi.

Uh, fine, well, as fine as anyone can be,

whose been living a lie for the last 25 years.

Yes, and you? You what? That, that's lovely.

Uh, I have to call you back, Sook, I'm...

I'm on the other line.

Hello? Operator.

Operator. You get me the fucking operator,

or I am gonna come right down there and slap you across...

oh, hello.

You're one of 6 students in the Master's program.

I know, I just, I really feel like I need to be here

- for my mother right now. - I get that. Uh... huh...

Look class participation and workshops are mandatory though.

I'm sorry, but you're probably gonna have to withdraw.

Printer's still not working!

EEE! YA!

Hello?

- Tamara? This is Albert. - Who?

- Barbara's date. - Oh, Alan.

- No, Albert. - I don't think we've met.

- We did meet. We did. - That's news to me.

Ah, well, there is a problem in the ceremony room,

and I think it requires your immediate attention.

Oh my God! Okay!

- What the hell happened here? - What the hell happened?

- Did you set this up? - Not me.

Let's go for a walk.

I'm not cleanin' this shit up.

So, you still drink wine in the tub?

Every night.

It's the only thing that could get you to bathe.

True.

- Oh shit. - I heard you.

Shit!

I've decided to leave.

I think it's better for everyone.

Oh, uh, well...

I hope they get the shrapnel out of your brain.

Why do you act like it didn't mean anything?

It did. Then.

Fuck.

Wow. Oh...

Lovely composition.

Lovely composition, indeed!

Oh my God!

Hey, can you hold that?

Oh! Now that's magic!

- Berlin is a beautiful city. - Yes.

- World class. - Yeah, it is.

It is hard for you to do your psychology stuff,

when Matty's writing music?

- Uh, well he has headphones. - Huh.

More importantly, I-I have an office.

Oh, that's neat.

You know, Tammy, I'd really like to be friends with you.

- Hmm. - I really, really admire you.

- You do. - Yeah. Your career.

Your photography.

Do you have a problem with me?

I see myself in you.

That's the problem.

You're a bit of a mystery.

Oh, hello there.

Good agua.

Yes, I've been enjoying the cucumber flavor. Delicious!

- I think about water a lot. - Really?

- All the time actually. - You do, eh?

Yeah.

- Water is everywhere. - Yes.

Water is everything.

And, it's permanent.

- It evaporates, though. - It becomes dry sometimes.

Bet then what happens? It evaporates into something,

- is that was rain is? - Yeah.

- I think it turns into... - Rain.

...clouds and then it rains.

Oh. My... God...

My God.

Oh... you!

Mwah!

I hate to keep bugging you about this,

but I wanna get everybody straight.

- There's Levi... - Yeah.

- there's that Mexican lady. - Mareva.

She seems like a... lovely person.

I bet we can expect some stories from her this weekend.

Whaddya mean?

Well...

legend has it, that when she was at McGill,

she went through half the faculty.

The older men.

That's what she likes to sit on.

Ooh, fuck off! Hey!

Get the fuck off!

Whiskey.

Do you miss your mulch?

Get off.

I know you must think I'm like,

the most terrible person in the world right now.

Which is fair. I guess I am.

We just started hanging out and it's...

it's a fucking cliché, but it really just happened.

But you know, you chose to move back to Toronto

to pursue your acting career.

Oh, this is so messed up.

But you gotta know, Kurt, how much she cares about you.

And then so much time passed.

That's not an excuse, I know.

I'm so sorry.

Don't take too many potatoes

'cuz I want you to fit in your clothes.

Okay, don't micro-manage me.

Hey! Over here, big boy!

Hmm.

Whoa, I feel like shit!

You look like shit!

Hey, by the way, I'm over the whole

- chicken in the oven fiasco. - Oh, thank God.

Hello, everybody.

As you all may know, Barbara is an incredible singer.

- Oh, fuck me. - Yeah!

So I thought it would be fun if my multi-talented,

and powerful future daughter-in-law, Louisa,

would accompany her on the piano

while she sings something for us.

Serenade me, Ronald!

We should do something off the cuff like this

at our wedding.

Yeah, we should make a plan to do something off the cuff.

♪ Give her all your love ♪

♪ Not only just a part ♪

♪ But all the love ♪

♪ That you can find ♪

♪ Deep within your heart ♪

♪ For it's only foolish luck ♪

♪ The hand that we've been served ♪

♪ For all the love that you can give ♪

♪ Is the least that she deserves ♪

Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

What up, motherfuckers?

I said, what is up, motherfuckers?!

Ya man!

♪ I've got two moms and a motherfucking sucky bombs ♪

♪ I got loose lips, no chick and a pissed of sis ♪

♪ But let me tell you what the fuck I'm here for ♪

♪ I'm 'bout to talk about this phony baloney matrimony ♪

♪ That we all travelled here for ♪

♪ I met a girl, real nice things seemed ♪

♪ Then out the blue I get a call one day, ♪

♪ I say what up, who dis? ♪

♪ He said, it's your brother, Matty J. ♪

♪ I'm in love with your girl, Kurt ♪

♪ I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say ♪

♪ It's goddamn Deutschland who made it this way ♪

♪ So the moral of the story, the one you need to hear ♪

♪ Is that blood ain't thicker than water ♪

♪ This shit is crystal clear if you gotta good girl ♪

♪ Never let the angel go, especially to Germany ♪

♪ She'll end up with your bro ♪

- Stop it! Tupac. - No, fuck it.

Hey, I love you, okay?

I am so in love with you. I want to be with you, okay.

You and I, we should just get on a fuckin' motorcycle,

and just...

- Oh! - Help! Help!

- Whoa. - Help! Help!

I got him! I got him It's okay!

Matty! Matty, it's okay.

He's fine. He didn't mean anything.

Get him out of here.

- Hey. - We make a good team.

- I think we should be a team. - At what?

I play the uke. I'm pretty average.

- It's okay, it's okay. - You okay?

I love you, Matty!

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay...

It's okay, everything's gonna be fine. Just give me one...

- No! - Matty!

It's okay. I'm so scared. Please.

Glad that's over.

Whoa! No, no, wait! Wait!

I'm black belt in karate. Well, a brown belt,

but I got too busy with shit. But I will take you down.

- What the fuck? - Don't make me do that!

- No, no, Matty! - Thatta boy, Matty!

I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.

Oh please come!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey, come on, let him in.

What does that bandana mean?

It's just to wipe.

Oh, it's not code for anything?

You want it?

You can have it.

Your sweat smells like pelonia flowers.

By the way,

you're a terrible fucking rapper.

Excuse me.

Yeah, somebody left a pile of shit in the elevator.

What?

That was nuts.

Barb's voice is so amazing.

So sweet of her.

I don't think I'm gonna be able to get

that look you gave him out of my head.

What look?

- Get out. - Matt...

Please get out, please get out.

Agh!

Oh, how you gettin' home?

Bus.

That sounds suitably depressing.

You're gonna be all right.

Albert, I need your help.

- Okay. - Can you uh, here.

- Oh my... - I have to say something,

you have been the most exquisite date.

Well, I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

Is Barbara here? I need to speak with her.

It seems to be Tammy.

Yeah, I-I can hear her, I'm 3 feet away.

- I'll see you guys. - Thank you.

If you need me, I'll be at the cucumber water jug.

Oh, you look beautiful.

Ha! Have you looked in the mirror lately?

Matthew is gone.

He and Louisa got into an argument and he left.

Where'd he go?

Fuck!

Are you enjoying the cucumbers?

Well, they add a subtle flavor.

Hmm.

Yes, they do.

- Whose are those? - Whose indeed?

Did you steal those from me?

If you want to imagine it that way.

Let me see those.

These are not mine.

Wink, wink.

Honestly. These are not mine.

- Okay. - Fuck!

Um, dozen raisin, please.

- Get the cream cheese. - And cream cheese.

So what's the plan?

Move back to Toronto. Unless of course,

there's a Swedish exchange student sleeping in my room?

She's Bulgarian.

What are you gonna do with your new apartment in Berlin?

It's Louisa's apartment. She's been carrying

the bulk of our load for a long time, now.

I thought you were making money on your music thing?

Cuz it sounded better that way.

Look, what-what are you here to tell me?

She's the love of my life? Everybody makes mistakes?

You dropped a grand on the chuppah you can't get back?

- Two, actually. - What?

- Mm-hmm. - Well spent.

Look, we're here to tell you that it's okay.

Yeah. It's better it happens now than when you're 42,

with 2 kids.

You know, with all due respect, Mom,

you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

And I would definitely not be living the life

that I'm living right now as a fucking DJ in Berlin...

if she didn't have my back.

I don't know, if I only get 'til I'm 42,

that means I get 7 more years,

and I-I want those 7 years.

This is not going the way we thought it would.

Look at us.

Can you picture you and her like this in 30 years?

With cream cheese all over my face?

Together! Trying to talk sense into our broke kid.

In a bagel shop!

Whoa, sorry, sorry.

Hold that!

I wanna say something.

What is it?

I miss you, too.

Hey.

You know, Levi's new album come out?

Maybe we should Zen out to it.

Just see how much better you are than him, than everyone.

I guess I never really thought about it.

Exactly.

Well, hey there.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm not gonna need

- your help with a business plan. - Okay.

Cuz I'm going back to school.

Need me to pay your tuition and rent?

Shut up, Mom.

But yeah, that would be great.

Mwah! I'm sorry, I don't wanna ruin your hair.

- I love you. Bye. - Okay.

Sweetie...

I have an idea. I have an idea!

- Where are we going here? - I wanna do something.

Just trust me.

- What? - I want us to do our vows now,

without all those people watching us.

- I was just gonna wing it. - Yeah, so then wing it now.

Okay, okay. Okay. Fair, I'll start.

- You'll have to excuse me. - We're not sitting together?

You're still here?

Don't you have to get the shrapnel out of your brain

or something?

- It's permanent. - Ah...

I just want you to know, I'm looking forward

to the next family function, Bon marriage.

Louisa Simon...

Ever since that first moment that I saw you,

on that bench, in Berlin,

I knew that I was lookin' at my dream girl.

And I felt like you saw the man that I wanted to be,

and I vow to try to be that man every day.

Okay, Matthew Berkman.

I vow to listen to you regurgitate

all of the New Yorker articles and podcasts

- that you listen to. - Yay!

I promise to moisturize your hands when you get old.

I promise to always send the

man from the past, to tuck you in at night.

I promise to always sleep with my feet on yours.

And I promise to never speak to your brother

ever again.

He just needs some time.

I need you to know that I did love him.

I think we both still do.

I'm so sorry about the shit I pulled today.

I... I'm an idiot.

I know exactly who the person is that I'm marrying.

That person grew up because of you.

Look, I'm dreadfully sorry

about that misunderstanding this afternoon.

Shh.

Now, you can have mine, too.

I know about you and Roy.

Uh...

I would have appreciated an invitation.

Okay.

Oh yes... a little bit... yes...

Like that! That's so great!

Albert, move yourself! Get me another bloody Mary!

- It's a fuckin' emergency. - Oh, in that case, uh...

Whoa!

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