Original subtitles

C'mon, you can do it, Alex. You can do it.

Eva,

we're made for each other.

This may sound weird to you, especially...

after not having talked to you all summer.

I've been watching you and watching myself...

Well,

more watching you, because I know myself, right?

But if you'll let me, I can offer you a plan

you can't refuse.

Why don't we go out together?

CASTLE COMBE, ENGLAND, 2005

Jesus! Look at James Bond!

He's got a license to do whatever he wants with me.

-Oh, Tati! -Tati...

You and your evil minds, I'm just talking about sex.

-I like Alex. -Oh, girl! No, no!

-Seriously? -He puts his name on everything.

On his books: "Property of Alejandro Fernández".

On his clothes: "Property of Alejandro Fernández".

On his balls: "Property of Alejandro Fernández".

There's no name there, 'cause no one uses them.

-And if you like, we can get married. -He's organized.

No, organized, no, he's obsessive.

He's "Mr. Plans"!

And we can have kids,

get old together,

which with medical advances

could be a long time.

C'mon, Alex, now or never. Now or never.

PROPERTY OF ALEJANDRO FERNÁNDEZ

Hi, honey!

I missed you!

What? Mission accomplished.

Is he your boyfriend?

Hello.

-Is that nice? -Yeah.

-Yeah? I'll have some, okay? -Okay.

I'd better leave it here.

-Hold on. -Sorry.

No, don't worry. It's fine.

It's fine.

Look at you, we leave tomorrow and it's all folded already.

We have to talk, even if...

I don't remember a thing in the morning.

Talk about what?

Politics, society,

whale migration... I don't know what to talk about.

Alex...

No! Seriously? Really?

You put names on everything?

It's normal.

I haven't told anyone this.

Well, my girl friends, yes, but...

You...

...are very cute.

Got it?

Okay?

Eva,

I have something to tell you too.

Really?

Look, it turns out that...

What?

I think that since... I was looking at you and...

... at myself...

-I've got a plan. -A plan?

Right then, I'd like to...

I don't know if you, maybe...

we could go out together.

Eva?

Eva.

Eva's brain.

Eva's brain, I know you can hear me,

because I've done some research into neurons.

Send this message to your owner, please.

"You're really cute too.

Signed, Alex".

Eva's brain, don't forget the message.

You never told me about the brain message.

If I had, you might not be marrying me.

I read it in a science magazine.

But now there's no going back.

Okay.

Go, guys.

Let's start again. Signs up!

What does this wedding mean to you?

THE BRIDE AND GROOM

-Go, Mom, we're filming. -Back up, Irene,

-you'll get my "bar codes". -My girl!

-Hi, Dad. -Are you filming?

My son's found a wonderful girl: Eva.

Wonderful, wonderful.

-Dad! -Yes.

Sorry.

This wedding's bloody great.

Can I say "bloody"?

You're the father of the bride. Say what you like.

-Now? Are we set? Okay. -Yes, come on!

What did I have to say?

Wait... Oh, yes. They met in Castle Combe.

We went there one summer to learn English, Eva, "Six" and I.

I didn't learn a thing, but Eva did. And... bam!

Anything, but in 20 minutes. We have to stick to the plan.

At 12.30 we have her final dress try-on

and at 1.30, the travel agency.

The Pelayo girl, the Martínez González girl...

-No, he has to marry... -Cut!

Marriage is the precursor to great disappointment.

My disappointment lasted 5 years.

Don't say that on tape, it's nasty.

Oh, the sign!

I'm Tatiana, Eva's cousin, then there's "Six",...

"Six"!

...this girl here.

My buddy's cool wedding!

Translate.

My buddy's cool wedding!

Málaga Cathedral,

-the Church of el Carmen... -Yes! Yes!

-...the basilica of St. Jerome. -No!

No, of course not...

They're marrying in a house in some horrid English village.

And why? Let me tell them.

Because they met there.

Alex, above all, lots of communication,

-talking works things out. -And a lot of patience.

And, above all, don't feel intim...

-...intimidated. -Never.

I'm the groom's sister, Irene.

-What are you doing? -The bride's cousin!

Get off!

Something's come up.

See? He makes a mountain out of a molehill,

but I love him anyway.

It's the wedding dress,

it won't arrive until Friday.

Until Friday.

NOW

OR

NEVER

Look out, this is delicate.

"Guernica" is delicate, that's a wedding dress.

Besides, those bags are tough as tanks.

Damn!

-Fermín, you dented it. -Sorry.

Look, here we are, Dad.

5 minutes before the set time.

Well done, son.

I just hope people are punctual and stick to...

...the plan.

Have a good trip.

-Thanks. -Thanks a lot.

Where are we meeting?

Terminal 1.

Look, this is Terminal 2.

We're going to have to hurry.

Come on.

-Let's go, we're going. -Let's move.

Let's go.

Lickety-split.

C'mon, hurry up.

Let's go, let's go!

Look who's here!

The fathers of the bride and groom!

-I have to film this. -Always with the camera.

Look...

I'm at the airport, and who do I have here?

-None other than the groom! -Yeah!

Stress him out! Take some photos!

Go!

The bride and groom!

Did you bring your passports?

I'm recording! Go!

The groom, my fave, deserves a Mexican wave!

Let's check in, look at the time.

I want to get a group photo!

I created a Facebook event called "English Wedding Shambles"

and I want a photo. Please, brother, look at me.

A quick photo! Out of the way!

A photo!

Let's go!

24 HOURS TO THE WEDDING

CASTLE COMBE, ENGLAND

Like it? Just like me and Alex.

Yes, that's how they make those dolls in China,

the spitting image of you two.

Can you act like a sister who loves and supports me,

instead of a grump?

I'll try,

but being divorced and cheated on doesn't help much.

Sure.

Eva, where do I put this?

Why don't you give it to the professionals?

-Professional slackers. -"Six", please...

I'm just trying to help. They won't let me do anything.

Okay, take this to the tables. Where's Tatiana?

What?

That wedding singer you got...

Hats off! He's got this huge...

microphone.

-Microphone, okay. -We like him.

Yes, but don't shag anyone else, or Caritina will...

-Eva, sweetie! -Hi.

Caritina, how does it look?

Bad, bad.

But, of course, a wedding in winter in soggy Britain...

Of course.

I just ordered the flowers to be changed.

Why daisies, Eva? They're so common!

Alejandro has never seen daisies in the house.

In parks and gardens, yes, but not at home.

The cake's from last year's catalogue,

and it was passé even then. A drink so soon?

And the altar can't be round,

it has to be frontal, as always.

-And why's that? -Sweetie,

changing it is essential, I needn't tell you.

6 or 7, 6 or 7. No, not that one.

She hates me, but Alex is worth it.

Yes, all grooms are worth it,

until they become husbands.

We're off to London!

I've never travelled before.

It's Eva. I'll be right back.

Hi.

-Are you worth it? -Sure I am!

I waited for the dress. I'm a real catch.

Alex is a catch, I'll have you know.

You don't regret it?

Mostly because we're already at the airport.

I want to see you. When are you coming?

When? When?

In 4 hours and 46 minutes...

In 4 hours and 45 minutes I'll be on your back.

By the way, how is it with my mother?

Fine, earning the affection of the English workers.

I promise I'll do all I can to prevent her

from coming on the honeymoon.

Alex...

Can you imagine that?

Alex?

I'll call you right back, okay?

Okay.

-Excuse me, what's happened? -All the flights are cancelled.

What?

Dad.

Go and ask, Alex.

-We're going to a wedding. -Relax.

Look what it says.

CANCELLED

Oh, please!

No, no, it can't be cancelled, we all bought our tickets.

But it's all planned. We can't cancel it.

They won't say anything here. Let's go to Information.

This kid's more lost than we are.

-He's got no idea. -Let's go.

-Really! -Come on.

I know, but I have no idea what's going on.

Excuse me, miss,

no disrespect, but what sort of shit information do you give here?

Shit...? Exactly, where the bathrooms are and such.

So you had no warning of this, nor do you have a Plan B.

You should go to the airline you're flying with.

Thanks a lot.

Dad, with an Excel, this wouldn't have happened.

Follow me, please.

How did these people get here so fast?

-Dad, this will take forever. -I'll explain it...

Relax, I'll jump the queue and find out.

Yes, jump the queue.

-Out of the way. -Say I'm getting married!

-How rude! -Tell her...

she's the woman of my life.

-Of course she is. -They're getting married, lady.

Go.

Thank you.

We're told that the cancellation of the flights

is due to a strike by air traffic controllers.

Any complaints go to

-AENA customer service. -Where's that?

-On the upper floor. -Upper is upstairs.

-Let's go. -C'mon, upstairs.

I don't fancy walking.

This is a joke: up and down... Please!

Air traffic controllers are thieves!

Air traffic controllers are thieves!

Air traffic controllers are thieves!

You'll see how this ends up, Santiago,

because what starts out wrong...

I don't get why this is happening to me now.

Come on, son, be positive.

We'll laugh about this one day.

We regret this situation.

We don't know when normality will be re-established.

All flights from Spanish airports have been cancelled.

No flights are leaving Spain.

Indefinite strike,

in-def-in-ite.

My colleagues will hand out

complaint forms to anyone who requires them.

I'm so wound up...

-What do we do? -Yes. What do we do?

We have to do something.

Set fire to the airport.

There's no choice. It's not going to get any better.

This is outrageous, they treat us like scum.

-Like trash. -Like sheep.

-Like sheep! -Listen to me.

Listen, please! I've got the solution!

Hold on, listen to her alternative.

We put the wedding back one day.

Alex: Fermín, Dad and you take Dad's car to Marseilles.

I just reserved the last three tickets left for London.

What about us? I'm not missing my nephew's wedding.

And I'm not missing my cousin's wedding.

Relax, Mr. Anti-System.

I just hired a bus. We're going by bus.

It'll take quite a few hours, but...

by midday Sunday we'll be there, and the wedding in the afternoon.

It's better to delay the wedding than cancel it, right?

Well...

What do you think?

I think...

it's a great plan.

It is a great plan, isn't it?

Yes, I can see it, the wedding is on.

I'm getting married!

I'm getting married!

Bravo! The wedding is on!

Don't ask me...

Daisies are for pigs.

-Hello. -Hi.

So, are you boarding?

Well, more or less.

More less than more. I haven't...

...boarded. Nor has anyone else.

There's a...

You're going to laugh.

It's an air traffic controllers strike, no one's leaving Spain.

Alex, I know you're joking.

It's no joke. It's Murphy's law,

it's caught up with us.

No... Alex, no, no...

What do we do? Cancel the wedding?

No, no, Eva,

no one's cancelling anything.

Aren't I Mr. Plans? Well, we've got one.

My dad, your dad and I are taking my dad's car

-and going to Marseilles. -Marseilles?

We'll fly to London from there.

My sister's hired a bus for everyone else.

They'll make it.

Just one thing, nothing really...

The wedding has to be postponed for one day.

Well, if...

it has to be postponed one day...

Eva, we either grab the reins of the situation

or the situation will grab us by... the reins.

-What's that mean? -It sounded better in my head.

I'm going to marry you, that's what matters.

I want to marry you and no strike is stopping that, okay?

Okay?

You just get yourself here, I'll take care of everything.

Yes! That's the spirit!

-That's my girl! -Damn!

-I love you. -Hold on...

I do love you.

-That's great. -Ciao.

Oh, Lord!

What's he done to you? I knew it, he's got cold feet.

No, it's not that.

It's an air traffic controllers strike.

He can't leave Spain, so we have to postpone for a day.

But I don't know...

how to tell these people to come back tomorrow,

because they had their hopes up about this wedding

and it'll break their hearts if something goes wrong.

It's the most important day of their lives, now it's all askew.

They don't care.

I don't think they do...

She's talking about herself, not the workers.

Eva, come here.

Come on.

Take it easy, I'll get them to go away, okay?

Okay.

Come on.

Alright...

You, listen up.

The wedding's delayed.

Tomorrow, no wedding, the next day, yes.

So right now...

And tomorrow, maybe...

...the wedding going on.

Oh, sod it!

WEDDING DELAYED

Hello, we're in the year 3054.

Humanity has been wiped out,

and only one brave bunch holds on with the one aim...

Get to the Wedding Shambles!

-The aunties are smoking! -It's not fair!

This is a riot.

I'm smoking and they can say what they like!

I'd love to see your frantic face.

-That's illegal! -Sorry, sorry.

Fermín, you know there's a brake as well as an accelerator?

I'm used to driving a taxi.

Yes, it's about the flights cancelled in Barcelona.

-A friend of mine had an Astra. -Yes, miss.

He bought a Porsche and never phoned me again.

Quiet, I'm claiming on the tickets.

We've been spouting letters and numbers for two hours.

It's like we're playing Battleship.

The locator? Again?

-P... -"P" for Palencia.

-...L... -"L" for León.

-...S... -"S" for Seville.

-...Q... -For "queer".

-...13... -Good one!

Miss, I've told you 30 times. Please!

No, 30's not the locator number!

You sank my battleship!

Miss, don't...

They put on that Tina Turner song again!

Belén, pass me a couple of those.

-Feeling better? -Yes, I just got a bit down.

No, no, "down", no! What do you mean, "down"?

Let's shake it up, girls! Are we partying tonight?

Party!

-I want to get married. -God, Eva, you're obsessed!

We've been preparing the wedding for a week. We need some fun.

-I need alcohol. -Sure.

Whatever they had to do today, they can do tomorrow.

So today is today and tomorrow...

well, is tomorrow.

Treat it as the hens night you didn't have.

I've had three hens nights, all three organized by you.

Hats off to me.

-Were you bored at any of them? -Not at all.

Come on! Are we partying English-style, or sitting here moping?

You three go if you like.

Eva, sweetie! It's an ill wind that blows no one any good.

We're giving this wedding a touch of class and glamor.

Out with the tacky, the gaudy and those dried flowers,

and welcome the imperial lamps!

-Wow, Caritina, that's nice. -Very pretty.

Look: Alex, Eva.

This is for 6... or 7.

It's actually very easy.

-This is for you, one for you... -Thanks.

-...and for you. -Eva, didn't we have to...?

-Oh, yes! -We forgot.

We're going to be late.

Where are you...?

-We haven't got time. -What do you have to do?

-Caritina... -It's all done.

But...

...the lamps won't paint themselves.

I'm crazy in love with you...

We're cousins, by blood,

not second cousins.. I said just "cousins" before.

No, cousins by blood,

through Caritina, the bride's mother.

She pretends to be someone she's not.

I tell her: "Girl, don't put on airs with me,

I saw you in Almería..."

She had black snot

from the peppers in the country that had dirt on them.

So she met this guy, my brother-in-law,

and he's a dentist.

"All your life picking peppers, girl,

and now you stick your fingers in mouths? No way!".

MARSEILLES

...passengers for London...

LONDON

It's your daughter. I'll be right back.

-Hiya, cutie. -Hi, how are you?

-Are you alright? -Well,

I got stressed out at first

with the claims form.

They put me onto a machine, and I can't talk to machines.

-Poor boy. -I'm not as fine as you.

What I wouldn't give for a pint right now.

I'm not really keen on this, but...

I felt kind of...

obliged.

Let me guess: my mother.

Yes. And her imperial lamps.

Look, let's do this, okay?

You go with the girls

and have some stiff drinks to our health,

and forget about my mother, my father,

and even me.

One drink and I'm going home, there's lots to do tomorrow.

Where's that wild

and crazy Eva I met 10 years ago?

-Where is she? -I don't know, maybe she's...

looking for Alex the planner and calculator

she fell in love with.

I think that kid stayed in Castle Combe.

He went there 10 years ago to study English.

Really? If I find him, I'm shagging him.

We're boarding now, okay? I'll get going.

-Big kiss. I love you. -I love you too, loads.

'Bye.

Thank you.

What's he saying?

He says that because of a mass of volcanic smoke,

all the London airports are closed,

so they're diverting it to Amsterdam.

No!

No, no, no!

-One. -Barcelona!

I can't go to Amsterdam, I need to go to London!

It's urgent, I'm getting married!

A cloud? Go through it! I need to get to London!

Two!

-Are you Spanish? -Yes!

-I speak Spanish. -Oh, yeah?

-I was there for three years. -Where?

In Gijón.

Another shot? On the house.

I'll jump! I will! I'll jump and cause a scene!

-Three! -Three!

I want to go to London, not Amsterdam!

Dad, tell them to let me go!

I'll do a Kate Moss, miss!

Four!

Eva, I'm going, I'm really tired.

No, just kidding, you idiot!

I'm jumping that singer's bones!

These are my girls!

Let go of me!

Please, leave him alone!

I'm staying with my buddy!

I'm sticking around by myself!

I missed the boat with English... and French,

all of them.

Bugger all, eh? They're crap.

Nothing. Everyone's following that flight attendant.

Get the bags, I'll get Alex.

Are you alright, son?

Why are you smiling?

I'm not smiling.

Then what?

It's the electricity.

-The what? -The electricity.

Oh, the electricity. Can you move?

-Yes. -C'mon, I'll help you.

Good.

The man says they'll pay for a hotel for us.

What?

He says they'll pay for a hotel.

-The hotel, yes. -It's paid for.

-But you're okay, son? -Well,

I've had better days, Dad.

Hello.

Hi, how are you?

Good morning.

You sound like a guy. Did you party hard last night?

You have no idea.

I don't remember how I got back

-...or when. -Or if you made it back.

So, how was the flight?

It was... the usual.

When do you get here?

Eva...

something's come up, again.

No, don't tell me you're still in Marseilles.

If only I were.

I'm in Amsterdam.

Amsterdam?

-Amsterdam?! -Eva...

-Is everything alright? -Yes.

Yes, yes. It's just that...

I dropped my mobile at the surprise of Amsterdam.

Why is your voice so low?

Why is your voice so low?

I'm hoarse, Alex,

from singing so much, I sang all night.

Right.

Listen, Eva, I'm really sorry,

but we'll have to delay the wedding another day.

Sure, but...

I don't know what's going on, it's weird.

A volcanic cloud. Can't they predict that?

I'm sorry, but there are some things I just can't...

COSTUME MUSEUM

...control.

Honey, if... if it's delayed, then that's that.

They said at the airport

that flights will be back on as of Monday.

How about...

-...we get married on Monday? -No!

No?

Yeah, yeah, we'll get married on Monday

-for a good start to the week. -Of course.

-The dress. -Naked! The dress...

No, the dress is fine.

I'd better go, I've got lots to do.

Me too. I'll call you.

-Big kiss, honey. -Okay, 'bye.

-To the bride and groom! -Hurrah!

Good morning.

At the back, the party people.

Good morning. Listen for a second, please.

My dad just called

and they've been diverted to Amsterdam.

-What's that about? -Even better.

We're gonna get wasted! It's paradise.

So the wedding's in Amsterdam?

It'll be where it has to be, but there's a slight change.

The wedding's on Monday. Who here works on Monday?

Work, no, but I've got the doctor, an MRI.

Who here would ditch work or an MRI for a wedding?

-Me! -Me!

-I fly away... -A wedding!

I come flying.

I fly away,

I come flying.

I have fun along the way.

I have fun along the way.

What is this?

-This is a suit... -It's a soldier's suit.

What were you doing at the airport, magic tricks?

I don't know what happened.

-We've got to deal with this. -Let's call Little Carmen.

-Who? -Franco's granddaughter.

She's bound to have all her granddad's wardrobe.

-I keep all my granddad's stuff. -"Ramiro Miranda de Ansúrez".

That's right! Who's that?

That's who we have to meet.

He's bound to have a dress he doesn't want

and we have a suit we don't want.

Plain as day.

He's waking up.

Forgive my friend, she's very impulsive.

We dressed you to avoid an awkward situation.

Awkward for them, I'm totally cool with nudity.

Eva, what's going on?

I don't know. I don't remember a thing.

-Listen, can you go now? -Yes.

-It's late. -Not to rush you, but...

But yes...

Can you get going?

We'll see each other again, right?

What are you looking at?

No, no. No, no, no.

I think we will.

I think you'll get the shit kicked out of you unless you go.

No, just kidding. Downstairs, on the right,

and go, okay? Ciao.

What?

I don't want that. Absolutely not!

-Caritina! -Caritina! Caritina!

Caritina...

Pili, bring your hairspray, the stuff here is awful

and no permanent can stand this English damp.

Slower.

Thanks for seeing me out, you're all so nice.

Wow, lots of flowers.

Are you getting a party ready?

Yes, but nothing unusual.

"Nothing unusual", she says. It's a fucking wedding!

-Who's getting married? -She is.

-I am! Yes! -You?

To the man of my life. I'm so in love.

And he's a sex machine. I'm really nervous...

Okay, 'bye.

Bye-bye.

Caritina...

Thanks.

-Hello. -Hello.

What are you doing there looking like a Greek chorus

of numbskulls?

In case the bride's forgotten, there's a wedding to organize.

Alex... is in Amsterdam.

-Amsterdam? -What's he doing there?

We have to delay the wedding one more day. One more day.

What a drag.

-You two are the limit. -Right.

Alright...

The wedding... kaput.

WEDDING DELAYED AGAIN

What have I done? What have I done?

Maybe you didn't do anything. You pass out after three drinks.

Don't torture yourself about it.

I should torture myself,

I've really screwed the pooch.

I've got the world's greatest guy and...

I cheat on him.

-What are you going to do? -Tell him.

-No, you're not calling him. -Belén, please.

-Give it to me. -You're not calling him.

Please, calm down.

-"Six", please. -We'll think of something.

I'll just tell him. I want to do things right.

There are two ways to do that, and this is the easy way.

-Okay, what's the hard way? -Deal with it

and make sure Alex never finds out.

Do you break his heart now or make him happy his whole life?

Even I know the answer to that.

If you say nothing, Alex will never know,

because I won't tell him, and neither will Belén

or Tatiana.

So who's going to tell him?

I slept with the bride, eh?

Alex and Eva?

I swear I'll beat the living shit out of him!

It's me, with Eva.

Can you see alright?

This is... Eva's little butt.

These are Eva's boobies.

And... to end the show...

In a nutshell...

I want 10,000 pounds...

-What? -Excuse me?

...or I post the photos

on a page I found on Facebook.

The English Wedding Shambles.

-What do you think? -You're gonna eat that phone!

Don't move or I post the fucking photos on Facebook!

No.

I'll ruin the wedding in one second.

I'll give you till tomorrow,

at 10 am.

10,000 pounds.

In the pub, where it all began.

No need to see me out.

I don't want keep this secret more than anyone.

No, no, no...

What do we do?

Where are we meeting the suitcase guy?

We're meeting in the Ber...gah...gas...

-Or was it in the... -Bel...oh...?

That's not it. It's...

We're meeting in the Gaper.

And can you stop speaking Elf, please?

-Okay. -The suitcase, Dad.

The what?

Did we leave it in the taxi?

-Taxi! -Taxi!

Alex, think, think...

No, no, run!

Taxi!

Taxi!

-Taxi! -Taxi!

Taxi!

Taxi!

Taxi!

You're already spent, Santiago?

I haven't run like this since military service.

The suitcase!

Taxi!

Great!

The suitcase.

The suitcase?

He hit him!

The taxi driver smacked me good. I've got a ringing in...

-Where are we going? -To the hotel?

To the taxi office to see if they have the suitcase.

The suitcase, please, the suitcase, please...

Son, this is a serious country, don't worry.

I'm sure it was left in Lost & Found.

-This country works. -Can't you hear a ringing?

-No -No?

Look, "Taxi".

There's the suitcase, Dad.

Finally, a little luck. It looks so nice.

We want the "soot-kess".

That "soot-kess".

Let the kid talk. No need to invent a language.

Oh, okay.

Fine, don't worry,

I understood you. I spent two summers in Majorca.

I learnt a lot of German and a little Spanish.

-That's lucky. -Fill in this form

with your address and we'll send it to you in 3 weeks.

-In 3 weeks? -3 weeks, yes.

No, no, 3 weeks is no good.

3 weeks, no, it has to be now.

I'm getting married...

-Yes, he is. -...and we've got

things there, the wedding...

The bride, the catering, it's all set.

I'm sorry, it's protocol.

Damn.

If it's protocol, there's nothing you can do.

Look here.

We understand very well this protocol thing,

bureaucracy, paperwork, but...

the suitcase is right there.

Is there no way to speed up the process?

Here, you can go get... whatever.

It's rude to jabber in front of people.

Come on, translate, smart-aleck!

I'll translate: "You Spanish are all crooks".

No...

I shit on all the tulips,

with plenty left over for the canals! How about that?

Relax, they don't know their arses from their elbows.

We're taking the suitcase, have you two got that?

What are you laughing at?

Go on, the suitcase.

7,450 pounds.

-Yeah! -Really?

No, no, no...

We're short 7,450 pounds.

We've got 2,550.

Let's be realistic, we know what I have to do.

-No. -You're not calling him?

We can find a solution. So come on, ideas.

Hey...

What if we steal it from Caritina?

A jewel here,

some cash there, just enough to cover it.

And something for us for putting up with her!

Great, I cheat on Alex and rob his mother?

No, of course not.

Tati!

I don't know...

we can sell some of our stuff.

"The Spanish girls are here in England

with their car boot sale!"

No, no, girls. That's not silly at all.

-No? -No.

-With the clothes, the shoes... -The shoes.

...all our mobiles... I brought my computer.

-Your tablet, Tati. -Her tablet, my weights,

my slippers...

However much it hurts, we can get some money.

Okay, alright then. Let's do it.

I'll sign up for the market.

Eva, honey, you look like a dying cat.

You're the best friends in the world.

How gorgeous.

The only good things here are the tulips, Cruyff

-and Van Gogh's Ear! -Siesta, bulls...

I haven't had a siesta since my first Communion!

-You're all nudists! -Nudists and dopers!

Because we can! You couldn't handle two tokes!

We don't take illegal drugs in Spain!

We don't take drugs!

Bet the suitcase.

-What? -What?

What? Bet the suitcase on it.

Let's see who can

-take the most drugs. -Okay.

Let's do this. If I win,

we take the suitcase.

If you win...

So? Bet the suitcase.

-What? -Look at their faces.

Go on then!

Let's play.

Yes, like I said, let's play.

-That's it. -There you go.

Where...? Where...?

There.

In the room out back.

-Okay. -Well,

there's time.

It's a good time to get stoned.

We call this one "the catapult". It makes you fly.

Whoever finishes first, wins.

Son, you don't have to do this.

Eva can buy another dress.

You've only got one brain, and this will punch holes in it.

No, Dad, it's not the first time I've taken drugs.

Remember my Erasmus year?

Yes.

There you go.

Don't worry, if you can't eat them,

my "chihuahua" will.

He liked that.

Right?

-What did he say? -What?

He'll give us 2600 for the lot.

What?

No, no, no...

No way!

Translate.

I think he understood.

What's he saying now?

He gives me the creeps.

-5,000. -What's he saying?

5,000 pounds if I sell him the ring.

What?

How can she sell her wedding ring?

I'll eat you up and crap you out, you creep.

Translate!

Especially the "crap you out" bit.

-Let's go. -No.

You're a "chikki devol"!

-I'm really picking up English. -Me too, loads.

Okay. Let's go, last one.

I swear, it's the last.

In line.

Go for it! Go!

No, not in the beer!

-In your mouth. -Mouth?

-In your mouth. -Mouth!

Mouth, mouth!

In your mouth!

In your mouth!

Good, son! Great!

We've won, son!

We've won!

Let's get to the wedding!

We've won!

Where will we get 5,000 pounds?

Christ, Tatiana...

If you hadn't been so keen to party,

we wouldn't need anything, we wouldn't be screwed.

I'm terribly sorry.

Did I put a gun to anyone's head?

No, right? I just had a plan.

-A shitty plan. -You joined in pretty fast.

-Not to let you go by yourselves. -You left Eva by herself.

You were the first to jump ship like rats!

-Like what? -Right, Belén?

Let me think. I'm keeping out of your stupid arguments.

What's up with you? Are you calling us stupid?

-I can call you what I like! -Stop it, please.

Maybe I'll smash your face.

It wouldn't surprise me, you're such a brute.

-You've done it now. -Now you deserve it!

Brute!

Damn it!

Now who's the brute? I can't hear you!

I already told you, shit!

-What? -We're saved.

We're saved!

We can win 5,000 pounds.

C'mon, girls! Huddle!

Get together and form a circle.

We're not here for a cheese.

-Then why are we here? -I don't get it, Six.

It's just a manner of speaking. I'm trying to motivate you.

Oh, okay.

We're not here for a cheese.

That's right!

Isn't it a pep talk?

Come on. As I was saying...

We're not here for a cheese.

Shit, run! Get that cheese!

The cheese!

The cheese!

The cheese!

We've got more than enough!

Eva!

Eva!

Cheese.

What?

The prize is in cheese.

Let's see if I can get it.

-C'mon, we're late. -I want a cap.

Yes, Alex. And we're not getting a taxi.

-No, taxi, no. -Or running.

-No running. -No.

Not in a taxi, because this is a plan.

And plan is to exchange the suit for the wedding dress,

-then onto the plane. -No!

No, not the plane! I'll jump! I'll jump!

Hey, look out.

No taxi.

Are we agreed?

Alex!

Alex.

We're going in a balloon!

I'm the King of the World!

Yes, fine, okay.

-He'll crack his skull. -Slow down, he'll go overboard.

-Sit down, we'll make it. -Look, Dad, a shark!

-We're going to make it. -Alex, duck.

Alex, duck! You'll bang your head!

Look at the state of you.

Have you been rolling in mud like piggies?

Eva, that's not the way.

As they say here: no way.

What's all that cheese?

Let's have a shower and think of something.

I'm up for a shower.

-We'll meet and talk it over. -I don't want any more plans.

Caritina's right, this is not the way.

It's not the way.

He needs some coffee.

Alex...

How do we know where the man is

with the dent and the suitcase?

The dent...

-The suitcase! -Hey...

you were the one who wanted to get to London.

The nutcase who almost brought the plane down.

Me?

The plane? No!

Me?

It's just the typical nerves

of the groom.

Not me.

The "note", please, if you'll be so kind.

-It's not called "the note". -Oh? How do you say it?

S'il vous plaît, monsieur, the "billé".

S'il vous plaît, monsieur, the "billé".

-The "billé". -S'il vous plaît, the "billé".

I'm really picking up Finnish.

COSTUME MUSEUM

Asleep at last, like an angel.

We're leaving the boy like that?

Yes, he'll sleep easier that way.

No pyjamas or anything?

-I put on the heating. -Sure, but we're abroad.

By the power vested in me by Eurotours buses,

I pronounce you man and wife!

To the bride and groom!

To the bride and groom!

To the bride and groom!

-To the groom's family! -Hurrah!

We're here for a plane, not for a stroll.

-Agreed? -Agreed.

Come on!

Your son's a bit of an "a-hole".

I like him better when he's stoned.

Three tickets to London.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

London airport is still closed, sir.

What do you mean "still"?

They told us the airport would be open today.

We said: if the volcanic cloud had gone, you could fly,

and do you know what?

-What? -What?

It hasn't gone.

Are you sure?

You need to keep up with the latest results, right?

How long does a cloud last? Why didn't they say anything?

Isn't there any way to fly

without fooling with cakes...?

-Say it, space cakes. -With drugs.

-With that cloud up there? -Yes.

-And the airspace totally controlled by the military?

Yes!

-No. -Yes.

-Yes. -No.

-Say yes, Van der, Van der... -Van der Bilt.

-Yes. -No, you can't fly.

I'm getting married, but you're not, so you don't care

if there's a cloud, a UFO or King Kong.

You don't care, but I'm getting married.

You don't give a shit about the cloud.

If we'd gone in a straight line all the way,

we'd be in England now.

Shit.

This is shit!

We've gone on a shitty trip.

We've been constantly swallowing shit.

We got diverted as if we were shit, and for what?

For the plans to go where?

Where have the plans gone?

To shit?

That's right, to shit.

And why do I want that dress if I'm not getting married?

Do I put my hair up and have the dress for lunch?

Shit!

Christ, you'll dent it again.

Fermín, if it's got two dents, it's got two dents.

So what if it's got two...

Where's the dent in the suitcase?

Please let it be the dress. Please let it be the dress.

Where is the dress?

Again.

The uniform again.

So I took those drugs

to end up with this uniform again.

Son, if you like, we can tell Ramiro

and exchange the suitcases again. Eh, son?

What's this? A uniform?

-Yes. -Isn't it?

Yes. We're not changing a thing.

-No? -No.

You two put on your suits. And do you know why?

Why?

Because I have a plan.

Dad, I have a plan.

Balls out! I've got a plan.

The Spanish girl!

You're short. You don't think I can count?

-Eva! -You're late.

Eva, where were you?

-Where's my money? -What happened?

-Where's my fucking money? -Take your money!

-We were worried. -I was sorting out my life.

What's all that money?

-The ring! -Yes. It's fine.

No, girl!

How about I keep the photos

and get some cash every month?

Bastard!

Get back, bitch,

or I'll fill the Net with your tits!

Alex.

It's Alex.

No, no, no!

Wait, wait!

Wait!

8, 9, 15... Now!

Here goes!

Come on.

Great.

-C'mon, Eva, get him! -Eva!

Wow!

How about that!

-Fuck you! -This is for being a blackmailer!

And this...

for banging the Thai masseuse on our honeymoon!

-Hello. -What do you mean, Belén?

I took it personally. Can't I do that?

Yeah, sure.

Take that!

Girls,

I'm getting married in two hours.

-Let's go. -Come on, let's go.

I didn't even shag her!

-We have to call everyone. -And get my ring back.

-And see the pawnbroker. -And the wedding...

Hey, hey, hey...

What pawnbroker, what ring, what wedding?

What's going on here?

Eva.

If you're making another scene, I want to know what's going on.

-You do? -Of course.

Before I met you, I thought

you'd be a mother to me, not an enemy.

You never treat me nice,

and I'm tired of smiling and then being tortured by you.

But if you're asking me what's going on now,

I'm marrying your son in an hour and a half.

So, if you want to help, help, otherwise, don't bother.

Oh, and another thing, "sweetie",

leave my friends alone, they're the best in the world.

Why are you standing there? We've got a wedding to prepare!

Let's go!

-Let's go. -Come on.

Gee, I look so silly.

C'mon, girls.

They're getting married now! Hurry up! Cut the crap!

Pull it, pull it!

-Where's my skirt? -Please!

Look, there it is.

Speed up or we won't make it!

They still look so cute.

As if nothing had happened to them.

That's how they make them in China,

they love each other no matter what happens to them.

Shit!

Who is it? Who's in the helicopter, the Queen of England?

General, all okay back there? How are the ambassadors?

Sir, yes, sir. All okay.

Proceed with the procedure.

Jesus Christ, what a monster!

It's Alex!

Eva!

What's with the suit? You had quite a trip, General.

It's not my favourite uniform.

I promise, on our golden wedding anniversary,

I'm going no further than Logroño.

I never want to be apart from you again. Never.

Ever.

-Eva. -What?

-I lost the dress. -We'll have to get married like this.

One thing I have to do, and I screw it up.

Never mind. I just want to forget about these days

and spend the rest of my life with you.

Me too.

Eva, forgive me, okay? Look how I jerked you around.

I lost your dress, I got here late,

you've had to put up with my mother...

Yes, I'm a total disaster.

Eva, is everything alright?

I slept with another man.

What?

Wedding, wedding!

Wedding, wedding!

Wedding, wedding!

Wedding, wedding!

-Wedding, wedding! -To the bride and groom!

To the bride and groom!

WEDDING CANCELLED

What a bummer, the wedding gets cancelled

-and all the airports open. -Fate is a bitch.

Don't let it... get you down.

What a shame, really.

Watch the leg, girl.

Come on, son.

Come on.

Get in the car, Dad, it's raining.

Eva,

what happened to you

just happened, right?

Have some breakfast, eat something.

And... well...

Eat up, eh?

Thanks, Dad.

Okay, okay.

"Eva, we're made for each other.

This may sound weird to you, especially...

after not having talked to you all summer.

But if you'll let me,

I can offer you a plan you can't refuse.

Why don't we go out together?

And if we like it, we can get married,

and have some kids.

And then grow old together,

which with medical advances, could be a long time.

Will you be a part of my plan?

Alex loves me.

And I love him.

So I'm not letting him get away.

Do I go get him?

-Of course! -Let's go!

Let's go!

-Eva, if you call Alex... -No, I'll call him.

If we kill ourselves, it's a real drama.

-Okay. -What are the dial codes?

Give it here, Dad, I can do it faster.

-You just keep moving. -Shit! Voicemail!

Voicemail? Have you got a signal?

Call again.

Brother, something here just doesn't fit.

Eva's always been in love with you.

Besides, one drink

and she passes right out, you know that.

Kids, it's getting late. Come on!

Let's go.

-Eva, damn it! -C'mon, girls!

He must be inside already, it's so late!

-You can't go in. Security... -I have an idea, it's kind of illegal.

-No! -They closed it!

Eva! Which way?

That way! Let's go!

-That's it. -Now?

Testing.

Alex? Hello. One, two... Alex?

Alex, it's Eva. Can you hear me?

-Yes or no. Alex! -I don't know...

Alex, it's Eva.

I really need you to forgive me. Alex, can you hear me?

I need you to listen, I need you to forgive me.

I'm so sorry. Don't go, please. Don't catch that plane.

-Alex... -Eva!

...I need to talk to you.

I found the letter you wrote to me that you never read to me.

-Eva! -In it you said that...

-you saw me and saw yourself. -Damn! Where are you?

You saw us together for our whole lives.

We're made for each other.

-Yes, I know it too. -Eva! I'm here! Eva!

I know it was a perfect, wonderful plan...

...that I screwed up. Forgive me, I can't recall a thing.

If I did anything... I don't know what happened.

It's alright. Damn it, Eva, I love you.

I just want to tell you one thing. You're the plan of my life.

-And you're mine. -Remember one thing...

Now or never, you know it. Now or never.

I love you, Alex. I don't know if you're listening, but...

you're everything to me! I love you!

-No! -Bastard!

-Alex! -Alejandro!

Alejandro, my son.

-Dad. -Alex.

-Go after her. -I don't know where she is.

I'd go that way... Well, I wouldn't go at all,...

-but if it's what you want... -Okay.

Eva!

Eva!

Don't go all soppy!

Eva! Eva!

Eva!

Eva!

Where are you? I love you too!

Eva!

Let go of me!

Eva!

Eva!

I haven't done anything! Let go of me!

Can't you run in an airport?

Eva!

Let go of me!

Let me out! Damn it, let me out!

I just want to see Eva! I need to get out!

I just want to be with Eva.

Eva.

You really want to be with me?

I do.

Only if you want to be with me.

I...

do.

Can I kiss the bride?

Just as well.

Get off! Oh, how funny!

I really feel so good inside...

Let's take this photo!

Oh, the photo. Come on.

Auntie, quick, the photo.

-The train, the diadem... -Come on.

-Come on, quick. -You all look gorgeous!

-Where do we go? Here? -And the bride and groom?

-The bride and groom! -Here they come!

To the bride and groom!

-This is the right one, huh? -Yes.

After the cheese!

NOW OR NEVER

The hotel biz is slavery.

It has its pluses, but it's slavery.

I'm going to leave the dogs...

..that's not a plant... I left it on automatic watering

and it feeds itself.

That's laugh now, cry later.

But since I'm so... clever...

I wouldn't speak the word of a lie, right?

There's no shame in that...

But we had fun... We had fun alright.

It may be a camping ground, but I think it's comfy.

I've stopped doing my... recovery.

A ton of your shit.

I don't want to wash anybody's undies.

Now this fellow says: "I'm heading out..."

But he's in his place and I'm in mine.

Who are you? The friend... from the kids' company, right?

If not for times like this...